The Harland Highway - PODCAST 183

Episode Date: October 27, 2010

Bottle returns, guest comedian, helmets, Google cars, Russian roulette, butter, running of the ....???? Whacky Tabaccckkky sauce!!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, little sister, what have you done? It's a nice day for a podcast, yeah. Yeah, it is a nice day for a podcast. And holy God, do we have some important ground to cover here? Are you kidding me? We're going to be talking about all kinds of things, man. bottle returns does it get any more important than that have you ever tried to return a bottle another topic that starts with b butter we're going to be talking about butter oh my god

um this is something crazy you've heard of the running of the bulls over in spain well guess what i'm doing today i'm going to be running today with something i won't tell you what you'll find out but it's just as crazy the running of the dot dot dot dot you have to stick around to find out it looks like there's going to be someone coming in for a little Russian roulette as we get ready for Halloween here we're going to be getting calls from a mysterious comedian we're going to be talking about helmets you might need one today and Google might be doing something with I won't tell you what, but you won't have to Google this podcast because you know where you are. You're on the Harland Highway.

You just made a wrong turn. Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harlan Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harlan Highway. Hi, Harlan. I'm Teddy Rapspin, and I'm your friend. Riding down the Harlan Highway.

I'm not your daddy. Okay, you're riding down the road on your motorcycle, and you like to do it without a helmet, but now you're being told you have to wear a helmet. How's that making people feel, huh? How about you bike riders out there? I got to say, man, I drive around on my bike. I love just feeling the wind of my hair.

That's part of the whole biking experience. Now, I'm not saying it's the smartest way to ride, okay? I'm not suggesting you ride without a helmet. I'm telling you, I'm willing to risk it. Because to me, the whole bike experience is to feel those flies hit you in the head. And the wind blowing through your hair, and the sun beating down, and the bird droppings, and all that stuff. Kind of makes you feel free, man. You have nothing around you.

You get that big engine underneath you. It's like making love to a noisy woman. Yeah, baby, yeah. Yeah, yeah, baby. Right? You're doing it right in front, everyone, right down the middle of the highway. Yeah, come on, baby. People always say to me, well, what are you an idiot?

You drive without a helmet? What's the matter? You're going to get killed? And then I kind of go, you know, in my overconfident, cocky, smart-ass way. I go, well, if I'm dead, I won't know I got killed, will I? I'll fly off my bike. My head will pop like a melon. And I'm not really going to know about it.

it. I'm not going to be sitting around going, damn, I wish I wore that helmet, because I'll be riding my Harley up to the pearly gates at that point. Not that I would want to crash and I'd want to die. I'm not that stupid. Hey, stupid. Oh, we got a moron here. Is that it? But it is an fie thing. Uh, when you skydive, do you want an instructor on your back, or do you just want a free fall? When you ski, do you want to stay on the hill, or do you want to go? Do you want to go down that kind of cool-looking area through the trees. Yeah, we're thrill-seekers, man. We like to do it our own way here on the Harland Highway.

Now, speaking of driving, I saw a thing on the news the other day that's kind of cool. You know how Google had all those cars driving around all over the country, probably all over the world where they had the cameras mounted on. them and they they mapped out all the streets every friggin street in the country every piece of road so if you go on google you can actually like kind of scroll down a street well now i guess google what they're doing is now that they know where all the roads are they're creating cars that don't need any drivers so i don't know if if the reason for this is to create a car where you don't have to drive. You can just

get in your car and you know, hit the keypad and go, boop, bo, bo, boom, bo, boom, I want to go to New York. And you sit back in the passenger seat and watch the world go by and watch the daisies grow and watch the birds fly past. While nobody drives, well, Google

drives. Excuse me, have you met my chauffeur? I didn't know you out of chauffeur. A Google, could you bring the car around, please? Yes, master. Yes, Google, and while you're out and look up this idiot I'm talking to, I don't know much about him. Hey, wait a minute. Shut up, Google's looking you up. He is an imposter, kill him.

So I don't know, man. Imagine Google driving you around? That's weird, and then all the other computer guys are going to get in on it. Excuse me, if you met my butler, Microsoft. Yes, he's over there chatting with Yahoo. Oh, I say. Excuse me, Firefox. Bring the car around. Would you bring the Dodge Neon around, Firefox?

Safari, would you please fetch the Corvette Stingray? I'd like to go for a Sunday drive. Right, creepy, right? And then even creepier, let's say you're rolling down the road, right? you're going on a little drive and it's you driving you're just out in your car and all of a sudden a couple of cars pull up beside you there's nobody in them or there's nobody driving them and you're just like wait a minute what the ghost car no it's a google car relax it's getting wild man that's what i like about google having so much money right these guys have a crap ton of money and what I like about them is they're not hoarding at all it feels to me like they're a very innovative company they put a lot of money back into experimental things and technology and advancements for humanity so that's exciting you know sometimes you get certain

companies where you feel like they're just hoarding the money like big corporations and they're just giving their CEOs like giant paychecks and, you know, everyone's lining their pockets. But with Google, you kind of feel like they're investing in the future of the human race. At least that's what I think now, but who knows, someday when I get run over by a car with no one in it, I might have a different opinion. Hello!

Hey, did you see who killed that guy? I believe it was Google. Oh, okay. All right, so here we are. It's the Halloween week. Everything scary is in the air, and all these freaks from the horror movies have been coming in.

These celebrity horror guys have been coming in to challenge me to Russian roulette. Never works. Roger, how do these guys get in here? You want me to call security? Why do you let them in? I don't know how he got in here. Well, I'm not letting them in.

Anyways, this week, I guess we have this kid, Michael Myers, from the Halloween movies. Thought he was scarier than anyone, tough guy on the block. Here he is to come and challenge me to Rush and Rulet. I'm not going to lose, Myers. What the hell is wrong with you? What that? Did you not speak English? God, you need to use the bathroom, dude?

God, take the rubber mask off, dude. Let's just do this. Sounds like you got bowel problems, Myers. Oh, God, okay, here we go. Why don't you go first? Maybe we'll get this over with quickly. Up yours, too. Go, here you go, ready?

Let's load the gun. Here we go, ready? Mow! Mow! Mow! Would you just crap your pants? All right, I'm going. My turn.

See, nothing. You're not going to win. I'm going to let you walk right now. You can spend the rest of your life terrorizing. You can... You can go do a movement Go do a big movement Do you need some x-lacks, dude?

You're not going to win. Do you want to walk? All right, just Maybe I want you to lose. Here, your turn, go. Mow! Mow! Mow!

Oh! Oh, myers. Oh, and your... Oh, it looks like you pooed your pants, too. Oh, God, they say when you die, you poo your pants. Look at all... Oh, get them out of here. Roger, get them out.

It's your stupid show. Trick or treat all over my studio floor. Ugh. Trick or treat, smell Myers. Ugh. Hello. Hello, Harland. This is Sean Keene Kelly.

Uh, okay, what's going on, man? I gave myself a coffee in a bus. I'm pretty sure I won't be welcome back in that Starbucks anytime soon. Thank you. What the hell are you talking about? Thank you. Hey, everybody, you are rocking and rolling here on the Harland Highway with Wa. That's French for me.

Harland Williams. Have you ever noticed on certain cans or bottles, mostly beer bottles, like a lot of the Corona bottles and stuff? There's like this little label on the back where if you take the bottle or the can to a certain state, you get a refund. It's very random. I mean, some of them it's like, it's like Vermont and Minnesota. and like new mexico yeah it's right there on the back if you take the bottle or the can there you get a nickel what is that all about i mean obviously the people that live in those states are probably bringing them back but what does it mean to the rest of us i mean how many you guys

uh wherever you're living are going to pound back like a sixer of uh coronas and in your drunken steak, oh man, look at this, dudes. If we bring these bottles to Minnesota, we'll get some money back, man. Let's see, five times six, that's five, ten, fifteen, twenty, twenty-five, oh, my God, dudes, that's like thirty cents right there waiting to happen. And why are they picking singling out states? What, what the rest of us don't have recycling? programs anywhere and why do those states get get some money for their bottle what if i want to bring

like a bag of bottles to the place where i live no we're not giving you nothing we'll take your bottles but uh we're not giving you nothing but if i bring this same bag of bottles in minnesota to the place this equals like forty three dollars yeah we'll look around you see any pine trees or moose we ain't in minnesota jackass Up yours. And here's another mystery I'm having trouble dealing with. Do you know anyone who eats brains? No, I don't mean zombies.

I don't mean brains. Must have brains. No, I mean people who actually eat brains. I met a guy the other day who eats brains. You know what I mean? Like pigs' brains or cow brain or sheep brains? brain? Oh, God.

Could you imagine eating a brain? I mean, good Lord. I just picture them bringing it like a potato, like a baked potato. Uh, yes, waiter, I'd like a stuffed brain, please. Uh, yes, sir, would you like

sour cream, butter, and chives in that brain? Oh, yes, and could you wrap it in foil for me? Uh, yes, sir, we can. and oh god just the look of it right it's all bumpy and like the size of a football or it looks like a shriveled up soccer ball hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes you always want to have better sex that's what you you want it to be better not worse trust me and adam and eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping and more

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Uh, waitress, could I get a scalpel instead of this steak knife, please? I'm sorry, sir? Yes, I'll be eating the brain tonight, so I'll use the scalpel, please. I want to do it very delicately. Yes, can I get you a sponge, sir, and a, uh, bone scraper God you need a nurse with you

to eat a brain I don't know man just putting that in my mouth a brain just all those thoughts whatever that brain was thinking all those thoughts getting chewed up by my teeth

all those thoughts those dreams those aspirations sliding down my throat all that person's dreams churning up in our stomachs and eventually all that person's dreams and visions flushed away

down the toilet oh god eating brains can you just go get a can of pringles or something do you notice nothing is flavored brain like you don't you don't go to 7-11 and like Dude, you got to try the brain-flavored Pringles, man. They are smart chips, dude.

Oh, you know, you don't go into Baskin-Robbins, and they have, like, rocky brain. They don't have mint chocolate chip brain. So why are people eating brains? Can't you just let that go? I mean, what's next? Yes, wait, to these brains are delicious, but could I get some cow-ups?

with this, please. Oh, yes, sir. Would you like them deep fried or boiled? Just bring them raw, thank you. I want them to watch me as I eat the brains. What kind of sauce do you put on a brain? What's a good brain sauce? I can't see you putting ketchup.

Right, a brain's kind of sophisticated, right? So you can't just put A1 sauce. Waiter, could I get some A1? one sauce for my brain? Could I put some hollandays on my brain and some ketchup and relish on my brain? No way, man. You'd have to, I don't know, what the hell do you put on a brain to accent the flavor of a brain? I don't know, maybe some spinal fluid or something, or some vitriotic fluid or some, God, who knows?

Could I get some placenta for my brain, please? Some nice, a fine placenta sauce, please. God. Hannibal Lecter should start his own food line. You know, Paul Newman had Newman's own? How about Lecter's own brains, right? Have his little picture on the carton with that face mask on. Could have a little commercial, Hannibal Lecter's brain.

They go great with anything. If you want more thoughtful food, try my brains. Are you into smart food, then why don't you try my Hannibal's own brains? God, I feel sick. I think I'm going to go eat a stomach so I can throw up. What? Yeah, that was pretty stupid. But, dude, you should eat more brains and get smarter.

Hello. Hello, Harland. This is Sean Kean calling. Hey, Sean. What's up, man? My girlfriend died. What? Your girlfriend died?

It's horrible, man. When did this happen? Almost a week ago, but it's only now that I can laugh about it. Thank you. What the hell, dude? I didn't go to her funeral. I couldn't get a date. Oh, that is cold, dude.

I asked her sister, but she had to go to some family function. And my wife didn't want to go. Thank you. Hey, hey, wait a minute. Don't hang up. Who is that guy? Yes, could I get some more butter with that, please? Uh, sir, you're eating butter. Yes, could I please get some butter for my butter?

Okay, sir. butter on your bread, you put butter on your vegetables, you put butter on your potatoes, you put butter on your fish, you put butter on your meat, you put butter on anything. You cook with butter.

It's just crazy. Put butter on your bread rolls. Butter, butter, butter. How many bricks do you go through in a week, man? And isn't it weird stuff? Think about what butter is, man. I don't know where it comes from somewhere inside of a cow.

I don't know if it's churned up milk or it's like intestine lining or I don't know what it is. Comes out in a little brick, little like kind of semi-white yellowish brick. It's all soft and mushy, indiscriminately plastered all over everything we eat. It's weird. All I'm saying is butter is weird, and we eat too much of it. Maybe I'll go buy myself 4,000 bricks of butter and build myself a butter bunker and hide inside of it. And then if I get hungry, I'll eat my way out. And God, I feel so I'm going to die.

I eat so much butter. I think when I'm laying in my coffin, I'm going to have. They'll have them butter me before they close the lid. At least they'll be tasty for the bugs, right? Sure, they love butter, too. Whatever it is. You're riding down the Harlan Highway. Don't slip on butter.

Okay. Check this out. I was talking to a friend of mine the other day, right? And he says to me, go... Oh, come on. What are you doing here? God. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

God. No, no, turn off the music. Stop it. Get at, turn off the music. What are you doing here? I'm Senor Fuentes. I know who you are. You're my gardener.

Why aren't you at home in the garden? I have some bad news, signor. Oh, great. What is it this time, Fuentes? That's Senor Fuentes. I know. I have some very tragic news, signor. What is?

is it? I slammed your tool in the tool shed door. What are you talking about? Well, I was working by the tool shed, signor. Yes. With one of your tools? Okay. And I accidentally slammed your tool in the tool shed door. Very hard, and now it's stuck. What are you talking about? Your tool is stuck in the tool shed door. Would you stop saying my tool? But what would you like me to call it, senor? Just get on with that Well, your tool is slammed between the door And I pull on it and I pull on it And I pull on your tool

And then I pull on it some more And I pull on your tool And I tug on your tool And I pull and I pull it Stop! Pulling on my tool Well, I'm your gardener, senor Shouldn't I pull on your tool? Stop, don't say it like that.

Pulling on your tool, signor? I don't see what the prostitution. Just, we're on the air. I'm doing a podcast. Oh, okay, senor. I'm not sure what that is, but... Look, what do you want me to do about it? Well, senor, I found some oil.

And I lubricated your tool to try and pull it out of the toolshed door. Yes. And I lubricated it some more, and I squirted oil all over it and cut it real... Stop, just stop. Oh, senor, you sound so upset. meant that your tool is stuck in the tool shed door. It's not my tool. What did you do?

Did you get it out? No, senor. I wanted to get your permission. Permission for what? I need to cut your tool in half. You're not cutting my tool in half. Wow, you're very sensitive about your dirty old tool stuck in the tool shed door. It's not a dirty old tool, and you're not...

Go ahead, cut it in half. Thank you, signor. It's not like it's very big anyways. You never did have a very big tool. Don't stop saying that. What, your little tiny tool stuck it? Get out of here. Little tiny tool cutting out.

Get out! Don't worry, senor. I can glue your dirty old, twisted up, rusty, stinky old tool back together. Ow! Hello! Hello, Harland. This is Sean Keene calling. Hey, Sean.

What's up? I work for the sewage. department. I'm one of their suppliers. It's great. I work from home. I make my own hours. Thank you. Hey, hey, wait a minute. Don't hang out. Who is that guy? Okay, I'll tell you who it is. That is my buddy. His name's Sean Keene. He's a comedian from Montreal, Canada, Quebec. and he's just a guy that I really love always made me laugh always funny and I get him to call in and he drops his jokes his lines is funny and I hope you enjoy him oh thank you Sean Keen you can actually see more of Sean if

If you go on YouTube, his name is spelled Sean, S-E-A-N, Kean, K-E-A-N. And you can see footage of Sean. Very funny comedian. I hope you like them. Yeah, we ready? Okay, yeah, okay. We have an exciting day here, folks. As you know, last week they did the running of the Bulls over in,

Spain, I guess it was. We are doing something similar here today. We're just about to step outside. I am almost completely naked. I'm wearing an adult diaper and not much else. I've got

a red bandana on my head and an adult diaper I'm barefoot, shirtless, pantless and I am about to step out into the alleyway behind our building here where we are going to be doing our own run.

We are doing the running of the chihuahuas. We have about 65 chihuahuas and rabid, angry chihuahuas in the end of the alley here. What's going to happen is I'm going to step out into the alley. Here we go. There you go. You can hear the dogs barking. You can hear the chihuahuas back there. Wow, what a collection.

Look, I can see some. some of them from here. Oh my God, look at that little white one. There is viciousness. There is hatred in its eyes. Oh, my God. Look at those. There's a couple that are drooling. And what's going to happen is they're going to release the chihuahuas. And I am going to do a running of the chihuahuas. I'm getting ready. Okay, are they ready? Okay, here we go. Oh, my God. They've released the chihuahuas. Here they come. Here they come. Oh, my God. I'm on the run. Oh, my God. They're gaining on me. They're gaining on me. They're all around me! They're all around.

It's okay. I'm back up. I'm back up. Get off my leg. Ow! There's a couple of bite my ass cheeks. Ow! Ow!

Whoa! Get off of me! Get off of me! Leave me alone. Get away, get away, little bastard. You little bastard, you want to be mouse. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Somebody help me get away from me, you little freak out! Get away! Ah! Okay. I'm over the wall. I made it over the wall. My diaper's hanging off. I got bite marks in my ass.

They're about the size of a quarter. Ow! Oh my God, there's still one on my ankle. Get off! Get off, you little. Bastard. Ow! Get back over there.

Whose idea was It's the running of the Chihuahuas Get me back inside Yes I would like a fresh diaper Yes What size? I don't know Seniors Why do I do this stuff

Man I got Let's go in and talk to my producer Running with the Chihuahuas I could have been killed Those things are vicious Those things are carnivores ready with death on their minds. I get them and eaten alive.

What? What do you mean? There's one sticking out of my diaper. What? Get out of here. What are you doing? You get out of here, you little rat with a tail. Harlem Williams, barely alive here on the Harland Highway.

Somebody get me a mouse trap. Wow. Was that exciting or what? Oh, I hope I didn't step on any of those little fellas. It's hard. It's hard to look around when you're running through the streets and they're all around your ankles. Oh, I hope they're all okay.

I don't want any calls from NAPTA or the SBCA or Nabisco shredded weed or anybody. I'm hoping no puppies or Chihuahua. was were hurt in the making of that piece. Oh, obviously I got to go rest. Don't forget, our Halloween show is next. Make sure you're there. It's going to be full of scary, scary stuff.

Our all scary themed Halloween show is our next podcast. So please join us. All your favorite characters will be there. and we're going to try and scare the pants off you or the adult diaper, whatever you happen to be wearing. Don't forget you can get the podcast at Stitcher. Stitcher.com. You can get a free app for your phone and listen.

Don't forget to check out our websites, harlandhighway.com, and also harlandwilliams.com, where you can find the number to call the show. and it should be on both websites. Please leave us a message with your thoughts, your frustrations, your praise, your hatred, whatever. Love hearing from you.

If we like it, we play it on the podcast here. Oh, I better go Fabriz myself. I'm covered with dog saliva. That's it for now. Thanks for hanging out, folks. We'll catch you soon. next time chicken chow chihuahua maine baby have a really nice day today folks you deserve it