The Harland Highway - PODCAST 184 HALLOWEEN SPECIAL

Episode Date: October 29, 2010

Full of horrifying special guests. You wont sleep well after this one! AROOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, welcome to the Holland Highway Halloween show. Yeah, real scary. Why is old guys laughing supposed to be scary? I don't know. Wouldn't we all be afraid of our grandfathers if that was the case? Look, granddad, I learned a trick at school. Oh, ha! Hey, guess what? It is our Halloween show.

Halloween is just a few days away. Oh, my God. And, well, we are going to get into it. We are going to get into all kinds of scary business today, talking about Halloween and having fun. So here we go. You just made a wrong turn. Would you kindly shut your mouth?

On to the Harland Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harlan Highway. Hi, Harlan. I'm Teddy Rapspin, and I'm your friend. Writing down the Harlan Highway. I'm not your daddy. Hey, hey, hey, everybody, happy Halloween. Welcome to the Harland Highway Halloween show where we have a very special show today.

We are visiting all of our favorite guests who frequent the Harland Highway. I think we're going to start off early and drop by, this is exciting, Charlie Lee from the Munglow restaurant off Exit 61, gave me a call and said he's doing a Halloween-themed buffet tonight. So let's drop by the Moonglow restaurant and visit the owner, Charlie Lee. Hey Charlie, happy Halloween. Oh, happy Halloween to you too. Yeah, we got a big, big surprise tonight. Oh, this is going to be fun, Charlie. What's, uh, tell us all about it.

Well, what Charlie Lee do, he take regular menu item and he put horarene stuff inside the food. Oh, that's fun. Give me an example. Well, first of all, we got the wanton soup. Here, try it out. You're going to like the Halloween special in Charlie Lee's wanton. Okay, this is good. So what's the special Halloween treat?

Well, Charlie Lee put a ghost in a wanton soup. He scared you so good. Wait a minute. You put a ghost in the soup? Yeah, look, there he is there. Pick it out with your fork. Look at that ghost in there. Um, oh my God.

This is a Kleenex. No, it's not Kleeney. It's a ghost. It's Halloween. Charlie, this is a Kleenex floating around in the one-ton soup. It's not Kleeney, it's a ghost. Boo! Boo! I scare you, funny guy! Charlie, this is a Kleenex. Okay, so it's Kleenex of ghosts of Guy who invent Kleenex. So what, funny guy?

All right, I'm not going to finish this. What else have you got? Charlie Lee, Halloween, Orange Peel. chicken. Ooh, orange peel chicken. Okay, uh, okay. This is good. Wait a minute. Something stuck in my tooth here. Oh my God, what is this? Charlie Lee's put werewolf in chicken. What do you mean werewolf in the chicken? Yeah, hairy werewolf hiding in orange peel chicken. Oh my god, this is like a hair clog. I'm getting it out of my mouth. You got a werewolf in your mouth.

Charlie Lee, orange peel werewolf. Oh my God. That's disgusting, Charlie. Why don't you try my mummy chal mane? Your mummy chow main. I don't know. I'm scared. What?

You never hear the mummy hiding in a pyramid on Egypt. Mummy come out. He's scary part of Charlie Lee's moon glow Halloween surprise. All right, I'll take one bite of your chowman. Chicken Wait a minute What the hell is this? Oh, that's part of the mummy

This isn't a mummy This is a used band-aid Yeah, mummies, they all covered in bandages So Charlie Lee Putting the Chalmain for the mummy-style chal-maid Oh my God, I'm gonna be sick There's blood on this Oh, Charlie Lee spared no expense

I'm calling the health inspector Don't you dare do that to Charlie? I'm out of here I'm gonna throw up. Oh, big baby, you come back for Charlie Lee's Christmas special. That's disgusting. Happy Halloween, everybody.

Stay away from the moon glow. Drive safe. This is Harlem Williams here. No, you stay away from the moon glow, big baby. Why don't you come back and have some of Charlie Lee's vampire shrimp on the Harland Halloween Highway. Hooh-hoo-hoo. God, that was creepy.

bar of Irish spring to suck on clean my mouth out dirty bandages and bones and Kleenex what the hell's wrong with that freak okay roger i hope this show gets scarier this is our Halloween harland highway special and uh my producer roger promised a whole bunch of scary guests in here today is it going to get better here i hope i hope it uh you got some scary people coming in, Raj. Yes, sir. Okay, well, I'm counting on you. Let's keep going here and see how much we can scare you here on the Harland Highway.

This is Halloween. Welcome to the Halloween version of Harland's Highway. Well, my producers promised me a scary, scary guest for the show today. So it's a surprise. They promised me something really scary, someone with, I don't know, a ghost story or something. let's see who it is uh let them in who we who do we got hi oh oh my god hi michael jackson hi oh you're this is a halloween show yeah i wrote a song called thriller and i'm gonna read the lyrics you're gonna read the lyrics to thriller that's supposed to scare us yeah uh who booked this

what's the matter no I just I this is a Halloween show yeah I'm gonna read Thriller alright here we go here's happy Halloween here's

Michael Jackson reading the horrifying lyrics from Thriller Thank you thank you very much You're special Please don't say that to me You're special Don't

Just don't But I think you're special Could you just read the Thriller thing? Okay It's close to midnight And something evil's lurking in the dark Under the moonlight

You see a sight It almost stops your heart Okay, just stop This is not scary, Jackson That's Michael Yeah, Michael Reading lyrics from Thriller is not scaring anybody. Let me continue, please.

Special. This part's scary. Because this is Thriller. Thriller Night. And no one's going to save her from the beast about to strike. You know, it's Thriller. Thriller night. You're fighting for life inside a killer.

Thriller tonight. Okay. Can we just... That's it. What? It's not scary. You hear a door slam and realize there's nowhere left to run. You feel the cold hand and wonder if you'll ever see the sun.

Just stop it. You close your eyes and hope that it's just imagination. Stop it, please. But all the while, you hear the creature. See, I said the word creature. That's scary. It's special. Don't say special.

But the creature's special. Just finish You're ruining my Halloween show Jackson And now it's time for you and I To cuddle close together All through the night I'll save you from the terrors of the screen Thriller here tonight

Okay good enough out But I'm not finished I don't care You're not scaring anyone You're creeping everyone out Christmas is coming soon So this is Halloween So maybe you can sit on my

pardon me you can sit on my lap and tell me what you are for Christmas okay you know what out I could give you something special get him out of here Jackson get out of here this is the scariest Halloween I've ever had we'll be right back hopefully with someone scarier on the Harlan highway special highway stop it get him out Roger, what the hell? Are you responsible for this? Hello? Roger. Sorry, I can't hear you. Your headphones are something wrong with your mic. Hey, don't play that game with me. Did you let this guy in here?

I don't know how he got in here. Well, he didn't walk through the walls, Roger. I mean, he had to get by you to get in here. You're the only one out there in the studio. I did not let him in. Well, just be on the ball, will you? I'm trying to do a Halloween special show here. Thank you. Like my taint. What? Excuse me? I didn't say anything.

Can we just get on with it, please? Oh man, Halloween's coming, boys and girls. Trick or treat, smell my face. Man, I live down here in Cali, California, man. What's the Beverly Hills Halloween like? Beverly Hills Halloween? Imagine those kids. There's so many houses there that are,

so huge. I mean, the normal kid in a normal neighborhood probably hit like 80 houses in a night. When you live in Beverly Hills, man, you're lucky to get two, maybe three. Unless, of course, you got your limo driver hauling

your sweet, rich butt around. Probably need a limo too. I mean, most of us, you know, we get snacks, we get chocolate bars, peppermin patties, little bags of peanuts. You go to Beverly Hills, man. Hey, what'd you get, Billy?

I got a flat screen TV. Oh, yeah? I got a microwave oven, man. Yeah? Well, I got a new garage. So I got a Hummer, man. Well, I got a family room. Oh, yeah? Well, I got a swimming pool, dude. Yeah? Well, I got a Spanish maid. And...

An upside-down pound cake. Tell you what, man, if you need to redecorate your home, don't go to IKEA. Head over to Beverly Hills and trick-or-treat. They'll give you something sweet. I guess everybody's getting ready for Halloween. You know, the little paper skeletons are going up and the pumpkins and it's a fun time. a year and uh looks like my producers have asked me to get i don't know why they want me to interview this guy i just don't get it i i hate this kid here he is cinnamon boy is back how you doing cinnamon boy

i'm doing good i smell cinnamon oh yeah where do you smell it on me because i roll myself in cinnamon i love cinnamon I'm cinnamon boy Okay So Halloween You're going out for Halloween I don't know what to ask you Well why don't you ask me questions about cinnamon

Look are you going out for Halloween or not Yep Mm-hmm sure I'm trick or treat Smell my cinnamon I'm cinnamon boy Oh brother What are you going out as for Halloween Well

It smells nice And it's powdery Oh let me guess No cinnamon I guessed it for you. I'm cinnamon boy. You know what? You're this close to getting rolled out of here.

I don't care. Wherever I get rolled, I land safely on cinnamon. Because I'm cinnamon, boy. Look, what do you... Where do you go for Halloween? What do you like to get? What do you like to... I like sweet things.

And you carry a pillow case? I carry a bag, and they fill it with cinnamon. Trick or treat? Smell my cinnamon feet. I'm cinnamon boy, and I've got cinnamon feet. All right, get him out of here. Get him out. Idiot.

Kind of idiot. All he thinks about is cinnamon. Me, because I'm cinnamon boy. I love cinnamon. Goodbye. I'm sorry we had to put you through this again. I don't know what, I don't want him back ever. Cinnamon boy.

Cinnamon boy. Shut up. Oh, God. I don't know if I can get through this show. I just, all of my. morons that are dropping by for the Halloween show? I don't. Hey everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping.

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Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. I don't know if this is worth it. This is trick or treat it's like a trick for me and a treat for whoever programmed this show all right let's get on with it god i got a real special guest for you it's halloween and i went out of my way to track this guy down i found a real live vampire we got him right here and i'm going to just kind of pick his brain and see what it's like to be a vampire I hope this scares you I know some of the other stuff we've been trying to do here hasn't really hit the mark

but here we go Count welcome to the Harland Highway Yes thank you very much So tell us what it's like to be a vampire Well mostly I sleep all day And I come out at night and I fly around Ooh and what do you find pretty girls And suck their blood

No I look for chocolate Excuse me? I like to find chocolate bars and suck the chocolate. What are you talking about? Snickers, Mars, all kinds, Kit Kat. I want to suck your chocolate. Wait a minute. Where are you, where's your castle?

I'm over there at the grocery store. What aisle? I'm in the cereal aisle. Oh my guy count chocula? Yes, that's correct. Oh my god, I got count chocula here. Do you have any milk? Maybe some 2% or low fat milk.

Oh, just get out of here. Here, I'm opening the window. Fly away. You're about as scary as Frankenberry. Count Chocula! I am sorry, people. This is, I've been trying to make it scary here today. I don't know what's going on.

Darkness falls across the land. The midnight hours close at hand. Creatures crawl in search of blood to terrorize y'all's neighborhood. And whosoever shall be found without the soul for getting down. I stand in face the hounds of hell And rod inside a corpse's shell See, I say corpse is that scary It's special

He's special and it's scary Okay, who let him back in here Who let Michael Jackson back in? I thought I told you to get out of here No one's scared by the lyrics to Thriller Yes, but I read them special Don't say that in here What?

Special? Don't say special. But it is special. It's a special Halloween. Get them out. This is Harlem Williams apologizing for my producers letting Michael Jackson back in here. Hang on. We'll be back with some scarier stuff here on the Harlan Highway.

But it's special. Stop it. It's so... Out! Oh, everybody. Tomorrow's the big day. Halloween. All the kids come into your doors, the pumpkins in the window,

little tape recorder hidden behind the rock, making ghostly noises. I'm missing. It's mostly for kids, right? I wish adults can. go out still dress up and go out but we're kind of tired of candy aren't we huh as adults you get a little sick of the candy it'd be fun to go out for more adult things huh ding dong trick or treat oh look honey it's a guy dressed as a lawyer they drop like a bundle of 20s in your pillowcase trick or treat smell my bank account hello yeah they should have an adult Halloween ding dong trick or treat smell my BMW hello hey drop that beamer right into my pillowcase daddy

oh yeah there's your treat right there and I'll be picking up a trick later my brain new treat. Except, of course, you know, if you came to my house on adult Halloween, the lights would be out, and I'd be hiding behind the couch, because I can't afford your lifestyles, people. Oh, brother, hopefully this is the last one of these. Halloween week and all these movie monster guys have been coming by thinking they're the scariest kids on the block. so they've all been lining up challenging me yours truly to some Russian roulette

never works I never lose I don't know why they keep coming idiots Roger why do they keep coming Are you letting them in here? I don't know how he got in here oh okay Well why don't you knock it off Hey you don't have to yell at me to your stupid show Oh Mr. Sensitive anyhow

Today we have, who is it, Freddy Kruger from the Nightmare on Elm Streets here to challenge me? Let's get this over with. All right, you ready to go, Kruger? Yes. All right, nice breath, dude. What do you've been dead for 30 years? Watch it. Oh, shut up.

What is with your skin, man? Do you need some wrinkle cream on your face or something? I said, watch it. God, you look like you got balsack meat on your face. Watch it. All right, let's just do this. You're creeping me out. You got bad teeth.

Your skin blows. Ready? Let's go. You go first, okay? Get the gun ready here. There we go. Miao! Ow!

Well, you made it through that round. All right, my turn. Give me the gun. Here we go. Oh, wow, wow, Oh, don't, ugh, me. I never lose, Kruger. Maybe you could do with a bullet through your face.

Look at you. What is that ball meat on your face? It's fresh meat. Yeah, I'll bet it's fresh meat, would you skin a bunch of schoolboys? Hey, watch it. Yeah, I'll watch it. What about those knives on your hand? You think you can make me a salad or something, huh?

me up some cucumbers watch okay just go mow how ow mow mow oh oh oh kruger oh oh oh oh god you actually look the same alive as you do dead god we're gonna put that hat over your ball face oh well there he goes freddie kruger another one bites the here on the Russian roulette Harland Highway Is that a pubic hair on his chin or facial hair? Ew.

You got to be kidding me. No way. So I got to bring this kid back in? Oh, great. Unbelievable. Okay, so the producers weren't happy with my interview with that stupid kid,

the cinnamon boy, freak. So I got to bring them back in. Fantastic. I already talked to him about Halloween. Oh, God. Okay, let's get it over with. Get on, get them back in here. Cinnamon boy. Idiot. Send them in. Yeah. I know. Send them in. Hello. Hi, cinnamon boy. Hi, I'm cinnamon boy. And I'm a little brat because I love cinnamon. Oh, here we go. Do you have to start in with that right away with what with your favorite spice what what do you mean what spice oh yeah i'm not gonna say it i don't know what you're talking about oh okay good you don't know what i'm talking about good let's leave it at that oh you mean cinnamon oh geez because i'm cinnamon

boy and i love cinnamon oh god so are you going out for Halloween yeah you bet i am Mm-hmm. Sure thing. Uh-huh. What are you going out as? Something big and brown and tall. What are you talking about? I'm going out as a cinnamon stick, because I'm cinnamon boy, and I love cinnamon. All right, take it easy, kid. Don't tell me to take it easy. I'm getting exciting because I'm going to be dressed up as cinnamon.

Stop. Would you settle down? I'm cinnamon boy Where do you trick or treat I go to a very special street I go to a street that none of the other kids know What are you talking about It's not on Google It's not on Yahoo Maps

It's not anywhere What are you talking about kid It's a special street That's right What street are you talking about? Cinnamon Street, because I'm Cinnamon Boy, and I trick-or-treat on Cinnamon Street and hope to get cinnamon. Oh man, kid, you need some help. I don't need help.

I need cinnamon, because I'm cinnamon boy. Oh my God, get him out of here. I'm not going anywhere. I trick-or-treat for cinnamon dressed up as cinnamon on Cinnamon Street, because I'm not going out of here. Street because I'm cinnamon boy get him out of here get him keep him out I don't want that you know what it stinks in here now too cinnamon boy trick or treat smell my cinnamon get him out of here happy Halloween everybody happy cinnamon Halloween here on the harland highway What an abysmal failure.

Did I scare anyone? Oh, I don't think so. I must apologize. I tried. I tried to scare you. I tried to make it Halloween. Ugh. Just these guests are morons.

Oh, well, there's always next year, right, everybody? Boy. So that's it. That's our annual holiday. Halloween show for this year. We will try harder next time to scare the living bejes at you. Be safe out there and get lots of treats. Keep your eyes on your kids.

Let's see Cinnamon Boy. Let them wander out into the middle of the road. We will be back next week. and until then make sure you check us out on Stitcher where you can go to stitcher.com and download the free app to listen to the highway on your phone. You can check out Harlandhighway.com and Harlandwiliams.com And save a Hershey bar for me.

And until next time, my friends, chicken chow maim. I see dead people. I met this six-year-old child with this blank, pale, emotionless face, and the blackest eyes, the devil's eyes. Have you checked the children? Hi, I'm Chuckie. Want to play? When there is no... more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth.