The Harland Highway - PODCAST 185

Episode Date: November 1, 2010

Robins, earth worms, hot dogs, virgins, helicopter traffic reports, big announcement. Peel my fish scales!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Exit light. And tonight, I'm off to, off to never, never. Podcast land. Yes, we are in podcast land. Take your sleeping pills and wake up. What a show we have today. Oh, my God, I'm going to have a special announcement at the very end of the podcast. an exciting new item for the harland williams.com store,

first time ever available. You'll be able to purchase it at the end of the podcast. You will hear what it is. I'm very excited. Also, we're going to be talking about birds today. We're going to be talking about worms today. We're going to be talking about hot dogs today. We're going to be talking about virgins today.

Wait, should we be talking about worms? and hot dogs and the same breath as virgins. Isn't that kind of contradictory or I don't know? We're also having a new addition to the Harland Highway. Sandy Chopper is here. He's our new helicopter traffic reporter. Excited to have him as part of the team, I think. And he's going to be helping you get home if you get lost.

But come on. How often you get lost. You know where you are. You're on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hi, I'm Jackie. Want to play? Please go away and leave me alone.

You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Man, keep it going. Love the show. You're hilarious. My blanket. My blue blanket. Give me my blue blanket.

Passing your seat. You're riding down the Harlan Highway. It's the Holland Highway. Have you checked the children? Yeah, that's the song of the Robin Red Breast. Bouncing along on your lawn. Blackbirds with the big red breast. And I know it sounds like a stripper name,

Robin Redbreast. All right, guys, here she comes. Let's give it up for Robin Redbreast. No, no, no, no. Robin Redbreast is a bird. And they hop around on your grass. And I don't know how they do it, because I can't even see ears on their heads.

They got a beak, they got two eyes. I don't see any ears. Okay, but these things bop along, and then they stop, and they cocked their little heads. and somehow they can hear worms moving under the earth right under the grass

what the hell is that all about first of all worms aren't the noisiest creatures on the planet okay I don't think they can make any noise at all they're pretty pretty silent they're like the mutes of the animal kingdom yet somehow these robin

can walk along, peepidipidee, they stop, they cocked their earless heads, listen, start pecking at the ground, pull up a big giant worm. What the hell kind of creepy crap is that? So the question I'm asking is if these guys, with no ears, can hear silent worms under the earth, what does the rest of the world sound like to Robbins? what kind of noise do they endure when someone drops a pin God forbid you're a robin sitting on a tree branch

and a convertible Jeep goes by blasting rap music The noise Stop the noise Can you imagine The noise that must fill their heads I mean, these things were created probably before man came around, so the world was probably relatively quiet.

Outside of a babbling brook and the odd lightning storm. Someone farting? That must be like an earthquake. Oh, the noise. I just pop both my ear drops. Oh, brother. I think I'll go stand on my lawn and see if I can. hear a steak dinner moving around under there just pop right in and grab it have myself a tasty

treat hello harland williams oh poor worms god can you imagine being born a worm i mean good lord what was that a cruel joke god was playing on the worm let me see i've created all these beautiful creatures with bountiful colors and spots and stripes and beautiful eyes and eyelashes and teeth and hoofs and tails, all manner of size and shape and detail. Let me create a featureless critter. Let me create a creature with no facial features, no skin, no color, no appendages, nothing wow man did the worm get stiffed or what it's just like a piece of pink meat

there's no eyes there's no teeth there's no ears no legs there's no tail what a joke you're born with nothing talk about depressing and then here's the real kicker let's say a A worm tries to off itself, right? Because on top of having no features, the good Lord decided to condemn it to living underground, so it never gets to see the light a day. And guess what it gets to eat? Let's see, I've created a planet full of succulent plants and vegetables

and trees and nuts and fruits and berries and flesh, But no, you shall eat dirt. So imagine you're just under there depressed. You're like, I got nothing to live for. You're like, I'm going to get a knife and off myself, right? You cut yourself in half. And what the hell happens? You grow into another worm.

You can't even, not only do you not kill yourself, that you become two of yourself. And then if you cut yourself again, There's three of you. And now there's a whole group of depressed people. Or worms. What a life. Oh, God.

Poor worms. It must be a saving grave. They're probably sitting underground going, please. Please, someone dig me up and put me on a fish hook. And drop me to the bottom of the lake. Please, I want to be eaten by a bass or a trout. End this misery. Oh, God.

So if you're ever feeling down about your life, you're ever feeling like you're not pretty enough or handsome enough, have you ever, you know, lost a body part or broke a leg or tried to kill yourself and it didn't work, just remember, nothing's worse than being a worm. You could have been born that. Oh, and not to mention whenever it rains, Billions of them get hit trying to cross the Harlan Highway.

Hello! Hi, may I take your order, sir? Yeah, I'd like some hud dogs. Okay, how many? Three? Uh, 66. Excuse me? You heard me 66. What the hell?

Okay, this is the dumbest thing ever. They had that hot dog eating contest. You know, where are these people who don't know how to join a chess club or join a choir or know how to go fishing, decide that they're going to sit down at a table with a bunch of strangers and see how many hot dogs they can shove in their face? You've seen these guys? You just grab the weeners and shove them in their mouths? It's almost borderline watching a porno movie where it's a group thing.

These guys are just shoveling weeners down, right in their mouths. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Their hands whipping back and forth. It's borderline pornographic. And it's borderline disgusting. I mean, it's a pitcher Rosie O'Donnell lost in the desert for four days, starving, and all of a sudden she crawls over the hill and there's an all-you-can-eat buffet. Be like a weed whacker going through tall grass.

So anyways, these guys stuff these hot dogs down their face. I don't know where it goes. I don't know if they add an extra pouch or maybe they got Carney Wilson hiding under the table or something. But the winner ate 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes. What the hell is that all about? I wonder if they have a record for the other end. And I don't mean to be gross, but face of people,

you shovel all that inside. It's got to come out somewhere. Forget it. I'm not even going there. Only in America. I think I better go get a hamburger. All this talk is making me hungry. He-he-he-he.

Are you a hot dog eater? Do you like your hot dog? Ladies and Gents. There's something about them. They're good, right? It's such an easy food to eat, you know? It's kind of like one of those perfect foods. It's like one hot dog.

You know, it's about six inches long. It's enough meat and flavor there with the bun throwing in that it's kind of like the perfect size snack. It's just like, okay, done and done. Just enough. And maybe not enough, but I'll sit with that right now. It works, right? But how many of you really like to think about what it is you're eating?

You've heard that old saying, oh, hot dogs, lips and assholes, lips and assholes. It's just a bunch of lips and assholes. Well, isn't that what we all are? Aren't we just lips and assholes all of us? Hi, what's your name? Aaron, I'm lips and assholes. I'm David, lips and assholes. I'm Mark, lips and assholes.

I'm Paul. And I'm just an asshole. But isn't that disgusting to think about that, that if that's true, which I think it might be, it's just grinded up cow lips and grinded up cow assholes and probably all other things in between tendons and, hearts and livers and you know but that's just that just kind of you know proves what kind of tolerance we have for uh ingesting food and how psychological food is the other day i was talking

about eating brains right but the truth is the human body if you if you don't really know what it is if you can't see it and you can't necessarily smell it you know, take a cow or a horse or a raccoon or a dog or any type of existing flesh and you mulch it up and put it in a blender, it's all just flesh. I hate to say, I hate to spoil your, I mean, obviously you can take separate body parts and they each have their own flavor, but what I'm saying is you can pretty much eat just about anything on an animal. You know, if you really had to, you could probably eat the intestines, you can eat the organs, you can eat the fat, you can eat the grizzle, you can eat the tongue, you can eat the eyes, you can eat just about anything. You can crack the bones open like a hyena and suck the marrow out, like a nice vanilla milkshake.

So, I don't know, it's like even if hot dogs are lips and assholes, What'd you call me? Lips and assholes. Okay, I thought you said something else. You know, at the end of the day, we all seem to like the taste. There must be 70 billion hot dogs consumed a year. And we like the taste, so why bother? Why not eat them?

You know, who cares if it's a nice piece of steak right off the flank, or it's grinded up eyeball an asshole meat? It's all just meat, right? Oh, but it is so psychological. You know, I guess you could say the same for anything, right? If you're a man or a woman making love. And this might get a little gross, but it's like, all right, I stick it in there, right? Yes.

But you're 600 pounds. Yes. But it's all just the same thing. I mean, I'm still doing the same. Yes. okay okay so put your hot dog in my bun um you have to put it like that it's just lips and assholes um so it's all relative right you eat it you digest it you get it again yeah you eat it another day at a at a ballpark or a fairground or whatever and what the key ingredients are.

It actually, hot dogs have their own flavor, and I think we all like it. And I know a lot of you are, like, saying, well, you shut up. You're ruining my hot dog experience. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No?

Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy.

They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your. your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new

toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Well, I'm sorry. I wouldn't be surprised if hamburgers at your favorite burger joint aren't pretty close to having a lot of other active ingredients. Okay?

So why don't you just shut your lips and your asshole and go eat a hot dog? First I'll go purge and then do it. All right. This is a crazy ass story, okay? But some young lady, 18 years old in New Zealand, I'm surprised it didn't happen here in the merry old U.S. of A. It probably has. But some hot young girl in New Zealand was like,

hey, I want to go to college. But I don't know how I'm going to do that. I don't have enough money. I don't have the funds. I don't have the cashola. so here's what she did she put herself up on the internet claiming she's a virgin

said she's willing to sell her virginity for $25,000 and apparently has a couple of interested parties 25 grand sell your virginity go to college I don't know is this smart

is this stupid is this something you or I could afford? Wait a minute. No, I didn't mean that, but that is crazy. Can you imagine bartering your virginity for college? It better be a damn good college. You better get a pretty good diploma that's going to take a deflowering to get it. My goodness, how did you ever get such a Hard degree. Oh, I just spread my legs, and there it was.

Wow. Well, just to not be outdone, I'm willing to sell my virginity for, I'll take a movie. I want to see the Transformers. I want drive-through, and you got to pick me up and drop me off. And maybe a $10 tip.

That's what it costs for my, virginity because you know I'm a virgin right people sex what's that i what i don't understand what what's that funny word you're using so come and get my virginity people a cheeseburger the transformers a ride home at 10 bucks so i could go buy some toothpaste that's a good night out oh yeah your virginity how many of you out there are you out there can remember the moment they lost their virginity. Do you remember who it was with? Do you remember where it was?

Do you remember if it was good or bad? Do you remember if it was pleasant or unpleasant? I don't know, man. That's kind of an interesting time. Do you remember how old you were? um god um do you remember the person's name do you or did you go on to marry that person some people you know have their first experience and god love them that's who they spend the rest of their life with and then uh you know the rest of uh the world has to you know plow through 40 50

120, 700 different people. No, I'm kidding. I don't know how many people you've slept with. I'm sure there's a few dirty birdies out there. Yeah, I thought so. So here's the homework assignment, Harland Highway listeners. I want you, yes, you, to phone me.

The phone number is at Harlan Williams.com I'm right there at the bottom of the page. Phone yours truly. Leave me a voice message. You won't be talking to anybody. It's just an answering machine. Leave a message and tell me about where you lost your virginity and what it was like, who it was with, what they were like.

What were the repercussions? Was it fun? Was it sad? Did it hurt? Oh, God, I hope not. And would you do it again? Is that possible? So yeah, let's start hearing from you folks.

I'm sure there's some incredible stories out there. Was it under a bridge? Was it in the backseat of a car? Was it in your parents' basement? Was it in a sleeping bag? Is it in a field? Was it on a roof? Where was it?

Better not have been in my studio here on the console. I'm sure this probably happened with all the freaks that show up at my friggin studio but I want to hear from you. This will be

fun. So phone and leave a message. Let us hear about your history, your story of how you lost your virginity. This should be very entertaining. You don't have to leave your name or your number. but feel free to be as graphic as you want.

I don't mean in terms of all the, you know, activity. I just mean in terms of where it was and how it was. You don't need to describe the actual moment of, you know what. Oh, now I'm all flustered. Maybe I should go to the Virgin Islands for a refit. Okay, so you know the number. It's at harlough Williams.com. Look us up and can't wait to hear your virgin stories on our virgin ears.

Hello. Hello, Harlan. This is Sean Keene calling. Hey, Sean. What's up, man? I almost broke my neck today. I slipped in the shower. It's okay, though, my father caught me.

Thank you. Hey, hey, wait a minute, don't hang up. Who is that guy? Welcome to the Harlan Highway. What? No, no, I don't want to do it. I don't want to throw to this guy. Why?

Because he's not, he's not trained. He doesn't have the experience, man. He's not even from this area. He, yeah, the guy lives in Arizona. What, we're on? Okay. Hey, Harlan Williams here. on the Harlan Highway.

Do we really have to do this? Okay. Oh, God. This is going against all my better judgment. All my instincts are telling me not to do this. Apparently, we have a new traffic guy. What's his name? Sandy Chopper?

Oh, my God. Can we get a guy with a cornyer name? Just do. We get Sandy Chopper. I'm just going to tell you, folks. I don't like it. This is another case of nepotism. One of the managers got his nephew or his niece or his brother-in-law or somebody.

I don't know the whole story. Got him a summer job doing the traffic from our chopper. Sandy, can you hear me? Hi, Harlow, how's it going down there? This is Sandy Chopper flying up over the city. Yeah, okay, Sandy. Oh, God. Do I have to say your name?

What's that, Harlan? Nothing, nothing. Just, how's the traffic look down there today, Sandy? Well, Hyland, it looks very busy down here today. I'm flying right over the road here, and there is a bottleneck. There is traffic backed up for four or five miles right down to the... There's a couple of buildings on the corner there. Okay, Sandy, where are you exactly?

Right. We are up in the sky, Harlan. Yeah, I know you're up in the sky. What area is this traffic you're experiencing? We are way up high over the highway here. You can't miss it. There's a couple of balls here. I'm right over a ball. There's an intersection down here, Harlan. Try to avoid that particular area there. This is Sandy Chopper for your afternoon traffic report. Oh, brother, come on. Sandy Chopper. What the hell?

That guy didn't have a clue where he was. What? Yeah, I know it's the manager's brother-in-law. Fine. Well, there you go, folks. There's your afternoon traffic with Sandy Chopper. Oh, God. Good luck getting home.

Play it safe. Try walking. I know. The guy sounded like an idiot. What? We're still on the air. Hello. Hello, Arland. This is Sean Kean calling. Uh, okay. What's going on, man?

My father's all depressed. He's going bald. I said, Dad, don't sweat it. You've always got a hairy ass to fall back on. Thank you. What the hell are you talking about? Thank you. What? No, I don't want to go back to this guy. Because he's inept. He doesn't know where he is. I know he's the boss's son-in-law.

That doesn't mean he's going to help people get home in the traffic. Okay, fine. Hey, folks, Harlan Williams here on the Harlan Highway, and we are back, and we're going to check in with our brand-new helicopter traffic guy, Sandy Chopper, if you can believe that. That's his name. Sandy, are you up there? Hi, Harlan.

Sandy Chomper up here, over the city. Yeah, I know where you are. It looks like we've got a real best down here. Oh, really? Yeah, what do we got? There's all kinds of traffic over here by the road right over here. Yeah, where exactly are you? Harlow, we're right up over everything.

Yeah, no kidding. And oh boy, look down here. A tractor trailer has jackknifed. And wow, this is a real catastrophe. Traffic will be backed up in both lanes, probably for 10 or 15 miles. You want to avoid this area and go right around this emergency. Okay, they want to go right around where? The jackknifed tractor trailer. Yeah, what road is it? It's a long, long road It looks like it's black And there are yellow and white lines Going right up the middle of it, Harland

Oh, brother Okay, thank you very much, Sandy Chopper Okay, we'll check it with you later Sandy Chopper over and out Oh, brother Okay, folks, well, sounds like there's a tractor-trailer Jackknife somewhere We can't tell you where

Because somebody's son-in-law Who's from Arizona Doesn't even know where the hell he is What's next? You're going to have a guy doing my show Who's not even from here? Is that how it's going to work with? You're going to get some guy from like Los Angeles or something?

Yeah, I can see that happening. Way to go, guys. Unreal. Harlow Williams Try walking home. You'll get there faster. Wow, and speaking of fast, look how fast we ran out of time here today. Oh, it always pains me when we have to shut the studio down and say goodbye to the podcast.

Oh, it pains my old creaky veins. Yeah, that's it for today, folks. Hope you had a groove-alicious time. Now, don't forget, here's a big new announcement. Finally here, this is the first you're hearing of it, right here on the highway. My indie movie, Fudgy Wudgy Fudge Face, the one that took me six years to make,

you can go to fudgefilm.com and do your research. But at long last, the DVD is here so if you want to own your very own copy of fudgy wudgy fudge face just go to harlandwilliams.com click into our store and you know if you're a fan of my zany humor you just might like this movie man

it is a nutty one it's a passion project of mine it's silly it's goofy hopefully it makes you laugh but it is available. This is the first time it's ever been available. So go to the harlandwilliams.com store and you can pick up your very own copy of fudgy, wudgy, fudge face,

the motion picture. Might be a good Christmas present. Something to think about. And then also you can check out the website for the podcast here, harlandhighway.com. And don't forget, you can hear us on Stitcher. Stitcher.com, which is a free app you can download so you can listen to the highway on your phone. Wow. Okay, I just said a mouthful. I told you the show was over about 10 minutes ago, and I'm still rambling. So I better go put a hot dog in my mouth or 60 and shut my lips and you know what.

Um, that's it. Hope you had a great time. We'll catch you next time right here on the Harland Highway. Until then, remember, chicken chow main, baby. Have a really nice day today, folks. You deserve it. I'm like.