The Harland Highway - PODCAST 186

Episode Date: November 3, 2010

Strange kissing, Are you a track star? Sports screamers, smokers dying, news teasers, campfire songs, baseball caps. Windy water wipeouts!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You used to say, live and let live, you know you did, you know you did, you know you did, but in this ever-changing world in which we podcast, you've got to give it a try. The Harland Highway or Die. Yeah, that's right. the Harland Highway or die. Was that a threat? Or was that just some friendly advice? I don't know. You take it at what you will.

But here's what's going on today, man. We're going to be talking about kissing. We're going to be talking about weird kissing. There's a type of kissing that's a little hard to do, but I'm sure you've all tried it. We're going to talk about you being a track star, regardless of your age. We're going to be talking about sports.

You know the people that yell during sports games. Uh-huh. Smoking's coming up today. There's a startling statistic about how many people die. And I'm hoping that some of these newscasters die the way that they tease us with the news. We'll get into that. And then some kids coming in here to sing some campfire songs, which I really do not feel good about.

Maybe he'll fall in the campfire and burn to death. But you're not getting burned, because you're here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hi, I'm Jackie. Want to play? Please go away and leave me alone. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway.

Man, keep it going. Love the show. You're all over. My blanche and my blue blanket. Give me my blue blanket. Passing your seat. You're riding down the Harlan Highway. It's the Harland Highway.

Have you checked the children? Oh, come here, my darling. Come closer. Let me kiss you. Let me, oh, let me come closer. Just a little... Ow! Oh, right in the eye. Yeah, how many of you have tried to kiss with your partner? Well, she's got a baseball hat. on and you've got a baseball hat on you ever try that it's like you got these two giant bills sticking out of the front of your forehead and your faces come closer and then you kind of go into one of those mating rituals that you see birds do out in nature or pigeons or you start like moving your head

all around from side to side and back and forth it's it's like some kind of weird mating dance Oh, kiss me, kiss me. And the bill of the hats just keep getting in the way. And you don't want to take your hat off because your hair looks like ass or something. So you're like maneuvering your head, you're trying to position, and it's like you just can't find the right spot, and then you finally move in and it's like the bill of your hat

poke someone in the eye. Ow! Her hit you in the forehead. Ow! Or scrapes your cheek. Ow! Why does kissing have to hurt so much? Ow!

Shut up and kiss me, my darling. Bunk. Ow! It's my other eye. Shut up and kiss me. Bunk, bong, bong, bong, bong, pong. Ow, ow. Your kisses hurt, but I love them, so.

Pong, punk, punk. And the good side is, we have no sun in our eyes, We're not kissing because we have the sun visors on our foreheads. It's like when you try to stick two magnets together, you know, and they kind of push against each other with that magnet. You just can't push them right together like solidly. They always slide or there's that you can't do it.

Good luck. Wear some protective eyewear if you're going to start kissing with baseball hats on. It's a comedy of errors Just like this show The Harland Highway with me Harland Williams Honk Just me

Shut up Don't you love Your old ball cap We all have one or two or three I think I have about 20 But don't you love the old ball cap On the days that you You know

You don't really want to do the hair or the hair's not looking good or it's a day where you just kind of want to be incognito you don't want anyone to recognize you whether you're famous or not famous you just kind of hide under the bill of your hat oh the old ball cap and you grow attached to it man you know it feels good when you put it on it gives you kind of that it's like comfort food for your head you know If you can put a hot steaming gravy-soaked meatloaf on your head, that's what it feels like when you plop the old ball cap on, right? And this is probably mostly for the dudes,

but you know, the dudes usually have like, you know, there's bacon grease on the bill of the hat, and there's like a big salty sweat stain around the rim of the hat. And that back band, the inner band, is black from all the oil in your hair. right and if you ever put the hat over your face in any way it's got kind of that dank musty basement stink but yet somehow your old hat feels just like home feels like uh your little bird nest that you sit in right we love our hats man and you wear them you know everywhere you know you wear them you wear them out fishing you wear them out picnicking you wear them while you're driving you're

wearing them in a restaurant you wear them at baseball games they just uh they go with you and you you don't really care what you're wearing you don't worry about matching it up with the rest of your wardrobe you just plop it on or maybe some of you have uh you know different hats that you uh you put on for different occasions. And then we've always got the little crest up on the middle of the hat. That's how we represent. You know, we've got like a superhero thing, or we've got a, you know, a sports team logo.

We've just got something stupid and ambiguous. But those hats are definitely an extension of who we are. They're an expression of who we are. And I remember when I was a kid, baseball hats were not a common thing. Baseball hats were basically worn by baseball players and maybe truckers. And when I was a kid, someone gave me a baseball hat. It was like a farmer's hat from a seed company,

and I put it on when I was like 13 or, you know, 14 or something like that. and I wore that damn thing non-stop. I would sleep in it. And this was in a time when people never wore hats outside of traditional hat-wearing folk. Like I said, farmers, truck drivers, baseball players. It was very rare when I was a kid to just see a kid wearing a hat around a baseball cap as an accessory. And I feel like I might have been one of the first guys, at least in my community, up in Toronto. I don't know if they did it down in the States,

but I knew it was a rarity because back in those days, it was so odd. People were like, why are you wearing a hat? And people would always grab it. Girls and boys, they'd always grab the hat and snatch it off my head. I got your hat. And the reason they did is because it stuck out so much. It was so weird to see a kid wearing a hat,

and he wasn't riding a tractor or playing baseball. So maybe I was a little ahead. out of my time with the whole hat thing. But that being said, I've always loved a good hat, and I'm a hat guy, man. So let me go pull a rabbit out of mine right now, skin it, cook it up, and have a nice lunch. Hello.

Hey, everybody, you're on the Harland Highway with me, your host, Harlan Williams, and this can't be a good idea. I don't want to do this next bit, but I am being forced. My producer's like, you know, we should be talking about camping and sing songs and campfires. And I'm like, yeah, I guess, you know, we could. And he goes, I've got an idea. Let's bring my son Timmy in and he can sing some campfire songs and kind of, you know, tell your listeners, you know, how to do campfire songs.

And I'm like, no, no way. And he's like, oh, yeah, yeah, way. So here we are. I got Timmy King is here. Hi, Timmy. Hi. So what, you're going to sing? You got a guitar or anything?

Yeah, I have a guitar. I can't play very well, but I'll try. Listen. Okay, stop. No, listen. Stop it. Stop? Stop it! What's the matter with you, ass?

Okay, look, Timmy, just sing us a campfire song, and let's get out of here, okay? There ain't no flies on us. There ain't no flies on us. There might be flies on some of you guys, but there ain't no flies on us. What the hell was that? That's a campfire song. What does that mean there ain't no flies? on us. Well, you know, there's flies all over the forest, like mosquitoes and stuff, so, you know,

can I do one more? All right, do one more campfire song and then out. Okay, take it easy, ass. Stop calling me that. Oh, Papa don't preach. I'm in trouble, though. Papa don't preach. What are you doing? Shut up, I'm singing. Papa, because I made up my mom. I'm keeping the baby Oh, Papa don't Get out I'm sorry about that, people He's gone

Singing Madonna and flies And all this idiot I'm keeping the baby Get out Idiot How annoying was that God Hey everybody

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You know what else is annoying? I'm sure you've been through this, okay? You're watching the news, right? And you're watching CNN. And, you know, they come on, and they're like, coming up the special guest or a news story about this or we're going to be talking to Pamela Anderson or Jesse Ventura's here or former President Bill Clinton coming up and you're like oh okay great right you're all fired up you're like cool I want to see that interview

and then you sit through like you know 15 minutes of news stories a bus rolled over a hill and somebody's place got flooded and somebody's crying racism and somebody's worried about gay rights and somebody's adopting 12 kids and somebody's shot someone and somebody did a drive-by you know all the regular fodder

and you're like, oh, where's that Bill Clinton interview? What happened to the Jesse Ventura? Where's my Pamela Anderson? And then all of a sudden, coming up, Pamela Anderson, spills the beans on her divorce. Jesse Ventura, conspiracy theories. Bill Clinton talks about a threesome in the White House.

You know, when you're like, oh, good, it's right after this commercial, right? And then you sit through a bunch of yeast commercials and a bunch of stroke pill commercials and a bunch of plavix commercials and a bunch of hair plug commercials and a bunch of heart attack commercials and a bunch of diabetes commercials,

and a bunch of auditing commercials and a bunch of lawsuit commercials and a bunch of asbestos commercials and then you come back and they're like okay here we go jessie ventura pamela anderson right after this story about someone who's a hoarder and we found 12 dogs locked in a basement here we go you're like good god so now you've been sitting there for almost two 20, 25 minutes. They still haven't got to the story they teased you with. And you see where I'm going with this? This process just keeps going on and on and on. And they lure you in. They keep you baited. They bait you with their teaser. And you're like, you know, I don't know that I really care a crap about what Jesse Ventura says or Pamela Anderson or Bill Clinton.

And I really, it wasn't that important to me, but, you know, it looked kind of interesting. So I'll stick around for three minutes to hear what they have to say. And that three minutes turns into 45, 50 minutes. They put the crap right near the end of the news hour. And you're like, you pricks. You pricks. What the hell do you think you're doing? It's a blatant tease.

It's a blatant bait. And it makes me go, first of all, don't be. BS me, okay? You're just turning me off your news. Okay, I don't want to watch you anymore because you're full of crap. You know, you just wasted 50 minutes of my time. I was supposed to go meet someone, and I sat around and waited for your Pamela Anderson story. And then secondly, it's like, what does it say about the rest of your programming? Like, doesn't that indicate that maybe the rest of your programming, your news stories, your coverage is so lame and

boring and substandard that you have to trick us into watching it you have to lure us into sitting through all that crap until we get to what we want i mean come on guys we're not that stupid cnn you know what it does it makes you look stupid it makes you look desperate it makes you look insincere it makes you look treacherous you're it's just trickery and we don't need it We live fast-paced lives. We have things to do, places to go. That's why news channels were created, man, because people couldn't wait until the 6 o'clock news came on every night.

They wanted to be informed. They're like, come on, let's go. What's going on in the world? So if anyone knows the game about, you know, getting information to us quickly, it should be cable news. So don't set us up for the kill and trick us and lure us into waiting for a layman.

story and popping it in through the whole hour because the rest of your stuff doesn't stand up just doesn't look good and i got cookies to bake man i got oil to change i have love making to do i've got i've got very important things to do i can't sit around and wait on your dumb story so there you go wow there's me like daddy daddy tv reaming out his his cable children you're very bad bad bad news channels go to your room go to your room with jessie ventura sit in the dark and see what he does to you i'm buried in there deeper than an alabama tit so there you go uh you've been warned cnn and any other news channel outlet that would attempt to waste our time the way i'm wasting your time now

not stopping with this topic. I just keep going on and on, and I'm not letting up, and there's no solution. You can't stop me from blabbering on. Hey, man, you got a cigarette? Uh, yeah, I also got a coffin. Why don't you lay in it?

Yeah, smoking and death seem to go hand in hand. I don't know how many you listening right now are smoking. I recommend you stop. Here's a frightening statistic that I just read. This century, a billion people will die from smoking. A billion! Think about it. There's six billion people on the planet right now.

A billion will die. Imagine the country of India. Everyone just dropping dead. I think they have a billion people in India. What would you say if everyone in that country? country just all of a sudden fell dropped dead we've got 300 million

people in the United States there's like 33 million in Canada I don't know how many there are in Mexico imagine if all three of those countries Canada the U.S.

and Mexico everyone just dropped dead and then some because that's still one equal a billion That's a lot of human bodies, man, piling up. All because of a stupid little white stick. You put in your mouth and you smoke. This is crazy.

What do you smoke him for? Why don't you just take up Russian roulette? Why don't you take up high wire walking? Why don't you take up threesomes with fat people? I don't know. All I'm saying is You're walking on the edge I know it seems relaxing

And sociable But how sociable is dying A horrible black-lunged death I don't know I don't get serious that often on this show But come on people Put the cigarettes away Stop smoking

Don't be part of the billion That drops dead the next century. You can be cool without the smokes. All you got to do is listen to the Harland Highway with me, Harlan Williams. Yeah, that's right. I don't think my podcast is going to kill you. I'd be very surprised if too much listening of this podcast

gave you lung cancer or heart disease or black lung. It might dement your brain a little bit, but that might be the only thing. And like I said, that might be. I'm not saying it will dementia brain. I hope it does. I really hope my podcast twist your brain into a canerdle, which is a German potato dumpling.

Why I want that, I don't know. Maybe I have an evil plan. I don't know. So here's something that is probably just as irritating as smoking. okay how many of you have been out to the uh you know a sports bar a restaurant and you're out with your friends or your family and you think oh this place has always been good let's go and get some ribs some chicken let's have a nice meal right and it's one of these places that uh they thought it would be cool maybe get them a few more customers if they slapped up a flat screen TV

right and they'd throw sporting events on and they'd sell beer for like a a buck, a mug. How about a Budweiser for a dollar? What's the alcohol content? Well, there's about a quarter of a mug of beer and then the rest is water. We water

it right down. And so you're sitting there and you're enjoying your meal and all of a sudden there's some like fat slob guy who couldn't play sports himself. So he has to live vicariously through these finely tuned athletes and it's cool that people are sitting there watching the game right but then

there's that one guy who forgets that he's in a public restaurant with other people eating and he's just sitting there and he starts yelling at the top of his lungs like someone's making a play they're he's like oh oh go go go oh go go yeah you know the guys right just start screaming at the top of their It's like, no! You know that crap? Oh my god, you just want to pull out a rifle and start hosting a hunting show. The fat slobs sits unexpected as he watches the football game and shoves chicken wings in his fat face. Ooh, he's down, we've got him. We've banged ourselves an annoying, obnoxious fatty.

Oh, what the fuck? Good Lord. You know? And I guess it's one thing if you're at an actual sports bar, okay? Then maybe, okay, I get it. You're allowed. But when you're at a place where it's not really a sports bar, but they've done the courtesy of putting up the screen

so people can kind of check it out in their peripheral vision or kind of half pay attention, you know, just remember. you sports enthusiasts, that there are other people around. And I almost feel like they're doing it for the sake of the other people. Like, I can't imagine if that person was sitting at home alone with a bucket of Orville Redenbocker popcorn on his crotch. And the same play was unwinding me like, oh, oh, my God, you know, like, who's he doing it for?

You wouldn't just do it when you buy yourself. if you're doing it because you want the people around you to know who your team is and who you're rooting for, and you kind of want to share in the excitement and the progress of the team, which is fun. But just remember where you are and who you're with and who's around you. And that's my etiquette lesson for today, okay? Listen to me going off on the sports guys.

All right, here's why I was at a place and that happened to me, okay? Here's why I'm pissed. I went out to a nice dinner with a friend and her mother and it was like, you know, we were just enjoying ourselves and this guy just kept exploding and yelling and eating chicken wings and we're like, God! It's like when someone jumps out from behind a wall and goes, boo! You know, you're just sitting there eating your seat. salad and all such.

You're just about jump out of your skin. Some guys just cheering for the Minnesota Vikings. Oh. So there you go. Don't rub me the wrong way over zealous sports guys. Are you going to feel a chicken wing in the back of your head? All right. How many of you people are trackstock?

and you didn't even know it. All of you. And you know how I know this? Because it happened to me. You know, how many of you, when was the last time you ran a sprint? Or you had to do some track and field? Probably, what, when you were in high school? Wrong.

Think again. Okay, you're at the checkout line at the supermarket. You got all the ingredients for your big dinner you're going to make. Let's see, you got the Worcestershire sauce. You got the meat. you got the spices you got the white wine you got the salad you got oh my god she she's running everything over the scanner and oh my god i don't have the mushrooms i need the mushrooms oh my god what aisle are the mushrooms in uh they're in aisle 12 way down at the end okay i'll be right back

da tan tan tan tan tan and they're at the gate go look out for that shopping card Whirl over the shopping cart, I jump over that kid. Look out, swerve to the side. Grab the mushrooms and turn. Look out, jump swerve, crunch, bang. Okay, I got the mushrooms. Not only that, you win the first prize trophy.

You just want a sprint, sir. Oh, just give me the damn mushrooms. Yeah. We'll see at the Summer Olympics over in Frozen Vegetables, Isle 12. It's such a sick feeling, too, right? You feel like you were so proud of yourself as a shopper. You thought you had everything. You're like, oh, this is great.

And, you know, you finally made it to the front of the shopping line, and you get all your stuff out. on that little belt and you're just kind of recalculating okay i got everything i need to make it just perfect oh wait a minute i forgot that thing and then off you go man oh and what you've got to do is well they're ringing in your stuff you've got to make it back and then bolted back to the cashier before she's finished ringing all you're ringing in all your stuff so yeah you are a track star and you didn't know it. You thought your track and field days were behind you,

but no-uh. When it comes to the munchies, when it comes to getting all your food, you are an Olympic track star. And speaking of finish lines, yes, sadly, we are at the finish line here for another edition of the Harland Highway. Let me tell you about some exciting news. I did a movie that I shot and directed, and it's really silly.

It's really fun, but it's kind of a passion project I did. It's called Fudgy Wudgey Fudge Face. It's a full-length feature movie, kind of shot homemade style. It's not perfect, but it is entertaining and stupid and fun, and it's finally available. You can order it at harloweems.com. Might make a good Christmas present, or you might just enjoy it. it yourself or you might watch it never watch another show for the rest of your life but either

way I'm excited it's a fun movie that I put together I wrote the script I act in it I shot it I produced it I did everything it's it's one of those rare pieces of film that's just kind of a a project in purity okay most films go through so many hands, so many people, so many creative processes, and sometimes they're good, a lot of the times they're crap.

This movie, you know, just for what it's worth, didn't go through all those filters. You might watch it go, well, maybe it should have. I don't know. You might love it, you might hate it. Either way, blame me. But it's something I'm very proud of,

something had a lot of fun. A lot of my common. friends showed up to participate, Andy Dick and Tom Papa, Alonzo Bowden, Michael Rosenbaum, Jessica Lundy, Bobby Lee. A lot of great funny people in the movie with me. It's ridiculous. It's silly. Check it out if you want. It's at our store at harloweems.com. The movie is called Fudgy Wudge Face. Now on DVD. Put it in your collection or put it in your collection or put it your trash compact or whatever you decide. I think it'll give you some laughs.

Don't forget you can listen to the Harland Highway on Stitcher. That is a free app you can get on your phone. Stitcher.com and it'll help you allow you to listen to the Harland Highway on your mobile phones. And don't forget there's a website for the Fudgy Wudgey Fudge Face movie. It's called FudgeFilm.com. And, of course, we have a website now for the Harland Highway. Harlandhighway.com.

And as always, keep phoning me, keep sending me emails. I love to read them and play your phone messages on the air here at the Harland Highway Studio. Yes. Well, thanks for joining. Keep your voices down at the restaurants. And if you are at a restaurant, always remember to order a big bowl of chicken chalmane, baby. Who is this? My mother is dead.

Have a really nice day today, folks. You deserve it.