The Harland Highway - PODCAST 187

Episode Date: November 5, 2010

Family, grocery store baggers, BBQ Eddy, A visit from my cousin Kevin, loser friends, and yes, Dr. Ascot. Sun dried fudge meat!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ooh, are you feeling satisfied? Come on let us take your podcast for a ride. I'm singing, ooh, you can do what you like. Yeah, you can do what you like, but we're going to take this podcast for a ride with some obscure Boston song off the top there. What the hey-who? Well, it's a good show today.

I'm not going to lie to you. we are going to be talking about all kinds of topics we're going to be talking about bags the people that bag your groceries and the bags they give you are going to be getting into that we're going to be talking about loser friends do you have loser friends I think we all have loser friends maybe we're the loser friend and we don't know it barbecue eddy's going to be here

we're going to discuss family everybody's got a family at some level we're going to be talking about that and speaking of family someone from my family is dropping by the studio for a little visit going to be chatting with some blood um someone near and dear to me a family member drops by and then lastly it's friday and i wish this guy would just drop out but i have to visit with dr ascot and discuss my issues can't stand it oh well i've got issues get your tissues but don't cry because you're right here on the harland highway welcome to the harland highway my line jockey want to play please go away and leave me alone you just made a wrong turn onto the harland highway man keep it going love the show you're all

my blanket my blue blanket give me my blue blanket that's in your seat You're riding down the Harlan Highway. It's the Harlan Highway. Have you checked the children? Hey, hey, hey, you are rolling down the Harlan Highway. With me, your host, Harlan Williams. And what a treat. Over the last week, I've had family on the show.

Yeah, for the first time, someone from my family has shown up. I guess this is his last day My cousin Kevin Hearn is here And he's going back out on the road With his rock band The Bare Naked Ladies Kevin's been great having you here all week Thanks sir

Nice to be here Hey are you a pet guy You like cats I'm a dog guy I like dogs So you don't like cats I like cats I prefer dogs

Why do you not like cats Well I grew up with dogs I just prefer them I find they have a little more personality. Have you ever had a cat? Yeah. And it had no personality. No, it had a personality.

But I don't know. I just enjoy, I like big dogs. Does your dog do any tricks? You know, the basic ones. He speaks. He speaks. Gives a paw, yeah. He likes that.

Sit and talk about news stories and stuff. Wow, smart dog. Mm-hmm. What breed is that? An Einstein? Einstein retriever. He's a mix of a lab and a rotty That's got to be tough when you throw the frisbee

Hey boy, go get the frisbee Why don't you go get it yourself, ass Yeah, that sucks You know what I saw in the park the other day? Trees? Well, there's these folks in the park That feed the pigeons, they bring old bread Yeah

And so there's all these slices of bread A pigeon had pecked through the slice of bread And it had become stuck around its neck so it had a piece of bread. It looked like it was wearing a big necklace. No way. So you saw a pigeon waddling around with a piece of toast around its head. Right, and I couldn't get it off.

Kind of the way a sea turtle sticks its head through a six-pack ring, right? Right. Man, that's got to be a real bonus for like a coyote. You know, not only does he get a pigeon, but he can butter it and have like a pigeon sandwich. It's already in the brand. man that's wild so tell me again why you hate cats though well i didn't say i hated cats seems like you don't like them though oh they're fine they're fine they're just yeah you can't really take a cat for a walk can you i mean whenever i see people with their cat on a leash it always

strikes me as a little odd yeah i don't see anyone with like a seeing-eye cat no i took the dog for a walk though a few weeks ago and he yeah he sauntered over to a picnic table full of old Portuguese men that were playing cards and he just lifted his leg and all over the all over the bench and there's nothing I could do it happened too fast so they just looked over at me and one of them went thanks man thanks then did the dog look at them and go hey what do you thanking him for I'm the one that you may have been thinking that all right kevel good luck on the road get back out there with the bare naked ladies and uh your other band You can go find Kevin Hearn on MySpace.

Fantastic stuff. Happy travels, buddy. Thanks, Harlan Williams, with family here on the Harland Highway. Oh, yes, the family. Uh-huh. That's right. We all have one. Do you get along with your family?

Do you, are you close with your family? Are you buddies with your family? It's funny seeing the dynamic of different families. You know, some families are buddy-buddy, some families can't stand each other, some families tolerate each other, some segments of the family split off into their own little cliques, like maybe a brother and a sister will be inseparable, but somehow they won't let the other brother or sister join the bunch, you know.

What a complicated little hierarchy the family is. Maybe it would be a lot simpler. It was like a wolf pack, you know? You just snapped and growled at each other. You know? What are you doing near that ice cream? Oh, it's just going to have a scoop. Okay, man, relax.

And were you in my room today? Yeah. whoa dude what's wrong with you i really like your girlfriend yeah well she's mine not anymore i don't know maybe that would be a simple much easier pecking order just violence because i tell you what dealing with the human mind the psychology the personalities the uh intimacies the intricacies of a family holy god you'll never get to the end of that treasure map dudes right it just keeps going and gone the more you try to figure it out the more you try to piece it together the more you try to control it uh-uh

families are just a flywheel man you know i mean hopefully at the top of the pecking order you got parents that can kind of run the circus to a degree where it's not complete anarchy and chaos but outside of that it's it's a free-for-all man you got a you got to deal with the good the bad and the ugly do you have a good family a bad family i don't know if you want to if you want to call and leave a message tell us about your family um be my guest you know the numbers there at harland williams dot com you can call the answering machine if you have any funny family stories you want to share and we all do We all do, man

Oh, yes, we do Feel free to share I would love to hear from you Because, you know, right here at the Harland Highway We're all just a big family, right? Wrong! This is Eddie He wants to party

But they just hang up Hello? Hey man, what's going on? Uh, not much, how about you? Not much. You want to go grab a couple of beers, or what? Um, what? Go grab a couple of beers, a couple of Budwizers or something, or?

No, it's okay. Maybe throw on the barbecue. I got, uh, corn, I got ribs. Yeah? Maybe some, uh, Miller Golden Draft, or what? Nothing. What the hell? We'll get all caught up, man.

No, thanks. I got Hynaquin. What the hell? That was Eddie. He wants to party. But they just hang up. Harland Williams. What the hell is going on with baggers at the grocery store?

Could they give us any more bags? I mean, I think I could probably start a bag company I've been given so many bags. They put all your stuff in the bag. And then you ever get weird items like you get a little bag of dog food or you buy like some toothpaste and those things get their own special bags? We better not put the dog food next to the human food. It could cause a virus. We don't want the pedigree next to the sugar pops. Or something cold.

You ever get something cold? They put it in its own separate bag, frozen meat. We don't want your other groceries to get chilly Oh goodness, no Here, we'll put this in a separate bag Can you imagine your alfogettios Going home on the drive home freezing to death? Oh my God, or imagine

Imagine your hot dogs or your jello pudding pops Getting all chilly It's not nice I don't know, man A lot of bags The biggest bag is the old bag Putting my stuff in the bag Stop giving me bags bag

There I just bagged on the old bag About giving me bags It's a lot of baggage I just got rid of right there I'm gonna put this segment in the bag Oh yeah Uh huh And then you got all those bags at home right

That they just clacked You go well I'll save this bag You know you never know when you need a bag one never knows when that one needs a bag right so so you don't want to be wasteful so you start putting them in a drawer and then you have that one drawer overflow them with plastic grocery bags it's like a bunch of jellyfish jammed into an aquarium you stick your hand it's like just crinkle around and when you pull the drawer open they all pop out it's weird and then you get the paper bags you got fold them and find a place for them and then you know you think well i'll use these someday these

'll come in handy like how are they going to come in handy are you going to rebag your own groceries it's like god i'm bored look at all those cans in my closet i think i'll do some baggin that should be fun that'll kill a couple hours till the football game comes on i'll work on my bagin pull out a paper bag plop plot plot plot plot plot plot plot plot there's the beefaroni there's the cream There's the rice rooney. There's the, oh, put the eggs in their own bag. Whoops, a day, da, da, da, plop, plop. What the hell do you do with all those bags?

And you go back like a year later and you pull the drawer or the closet open or the cupboard. Gee, there's all those bags that I was supposed to use, right? I don't know, man. I just tossed the bags. And I know that's probably bad. Are you one of those people that has like a cloth bag when you do your shopping? and you reuse it, you go into the store, and you use your own bag and fill it up.

It's just, it's weird to me. It's weird that you bring your own stuff to the grocery store. It's like, no, no, no, no, you guys, you know, I'm doing all the hard lifting. I'm going up and down the aisles. Once everything's in the basket, it's all on you, okay? I don't need to carry any extra bag. I don't know, no.

you become like a grocery market purist well sure i can bring my own bag but i mean they got all those bags i don't want to screw up the system you know um now do you do you do plastic or paper what do you people do i always get the plastic i just find it easier the paper is kind of roughly and crinkly and it's too heavy i don't really need it Then you get home and you get all this paper you don't know what to do with. Well, this is... Look at this brown bag color.

I think a wallpaper the bathroom. What a glorious rich texture. And it smells like burlap. So I don't know. I think there's still a whole dilemma going on about plastic bags and how bad they are. And you always hear these stories. Well, a plastic bag. You know, they sit in a landfill for 400 years.

Oh, really, how do you know? Well, look at me. I sat in a landfill for 399 years watching the damn thing dissolve. Bio-degrade. Like, how do they know how long it takes? You know? There's some guy sitting in a garbage dump with a stopwatch. Come on, biodegrade.

I got to get home for dinner. Up yours. Did he just flip me off? Um, so I don't know. Oh, well, like I said, let's bag it up, move on to something else. I'm a loser. All right, how many of you have a friend or a girlfriend or a boyfriend and they're constantly screwing up? You know what I mean?

They don't mean to. It's just who they are You know the type of people That how many times in your life Do you lose your car keys or your wallet Maybe two, three times in your lifetime But you have that one friend That almost every week

Every three, four days Where the hell's my car keys? Oh my God, where's my wallet? Oh, did I leave my wallet at the store? Let's go back to the store. Oh my God, I locked myself out the house again oh my god call the locksmith what do you mean you can't call them because i locked my phone in the house i don't know because i lost my phone where's my cell phone you know that person right

and it just drives you nuts because you know they mean well they just don't have it together you know the type of person that waits to the last minute to get directions or doesn't even bother to get oh yeah i know where that is sure that's down by yeah that's down by uh i know exactly where it is yeah get in the car we'll be there in 20 minutes and i know that area yeah but don't you think we should look it up on that no we don't i know exactly okay hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes you always want to have better sex that's what you you want to it to be better, not worse, trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer

discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, I will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy, or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out.

That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland. so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Then you get there and you're at the total wrong place. Everyone there's like, what the hell are you talking about?

That's not here. We've never heard of that. Oh, I guess I was mixed up. Maybe it was in another city. Right? Those are hard friends. stay friends with. They just slowly drive you nuts, don't they?

You almost become their babysitters. You're always looking out for them. You're always double. Do you have your wallet? My wallet? Do you have your cell phone? My cell phone? Where's your car keys?

I have a car? Oh, brother. It's just too much work. It's high mate. You're better off hanging out with a baby. I think babies have it together more than people like that, right? But I know you folks have it together, and the proof is in where?

The fact that you're on the Harland Highway. There you go. And there I go. Or there I should have gone. You ever do this? You ever been in a situation where, speaking of the losers, you have to attend a meeting or a social function or a business lunch. And you've never met the person before, but you expect to sit down,

and you expect them to have a certain sense of professionalism about them. You expect them, you know, you're kind of in the same industry, so you expect to relate to them, you expect them to understand the etiquette, you expect them to kind of understand the way the game's played, or you at least have an expectation that they'll be civil and possibly polite. And then you sit down with this person, and it all goes off the rail. And they're just the most obnoxious, immature, annoying, idiotic person.

And you're sitting there and you figure this out right at the beginning of the meeting. And you're like, oh, my God, I've got to sit here and paint a smile on my face and pretend that this moron who's blabbing away and laughing at his own jokes and making sexist remarks and yelling at the other people in the restaurant and trying to be funny with the waiter and he's a complete jackass. Oh, yeah, I've been through those, man.

You just want to get home and scrub yourself at the end of those. You know what I do with those ones? Here's what I do. I always try to be a gentleman. Whenever I go out for dinner or lunch or any type of meeting with someone, one in my profession and I kind of know you kind of know before the lunch or the dinner who's going to pay you know you kind of know the etiquette like if you go out with your agents or your

manager or some producers or whatever you know traditionally they'll be like no no I got this this is on the company this is on Disney this is this is on universal huh come on huh paramount's picking this one up on new line cinema's got this steak buddy okay you know those scallop potatoes you just date Warner brothers just took care of those okay right but being a gentleman I always offer you know I always try to show a little respect show a little integrity and I say hey you know can I help with that let me chip in you don't have to but they're like no come on ah Disney's buying you that apple crisp but I'm like

okay whatever but when I get with a jackass man I don't reach for the wallet I don't reach for the change purse I don't reach for my pockets I don't utter a word of offering I just sit there and in my head I'm like yeah pull your money out and pay jackass for what you just put me through to sit here and listen to you and look at you for an hour, an hour and a half. There's not enough money in China to pay for this moment. You like owe me millions of dollars for my precious time because in no way, shape, or form would I ever sit and talk with you if I didn't have to? And you're trapped, right, because you haven't met the person.

You don't know who they are. You don't know what they're about. You don't have any idea that they're inappropriate. tarted. So you sit there and you grind your teeth and you try that you try to find some common ground or you try to divert like the minute they get weird and racy and sexist and obnoxious. You try and find something mundane to bring them back. You know?

Do you get you have a dog? Hey, what do you mean to have a dog? I was just talking about grabbing that waitress's ass. But do you have a dog? Oh, yeah, I do have a dog. Oh, really? What is it? Oh, it's a little looks like a poodle, man.

Oh, I love poodles. Let's talk about poodles for half an hour. But won't that take my mind off and grab on the waitress's ass? Exactly. Oh, okay. Well, my poodle's name is stuffy. Yeah, God. Just eat.

Shove some food in your mouth. Anything to shut your clam hole. oh it's brutal and the worst part is they don't even know they're doing it that's what really hurts that's what really takes the cake you're sitting there like oh god this guy actually thinks he's funny this guy actually thinks he's cool this guy actually thinks i want to be in business with them oh they need help and speaking of help why did i say that oh god it's Friday

oh you know what maybe this guy can help maybe Dr. Ascott maybe I'll take the topic to him for once and see if he knows how to help what am I talking about him help with annoying people he is the most

he's probably the most annoying person of my life that I'm forced to sit with maybe I'll have the topic what the hell am I talking about he is half the pro this probably with this whole discussion i just had was about was this freak so let's get it over with let's go visit with dr ascot oh hello dr ascot hello alland what are we doing today please

holland don't be crabby i'm not being crabby i'm just irritated yeah i'm irritated Why, Arland? Oh, I don't know. It could be your voice. Arland, don't be a smarty pants. I'm not being a smarty pants. I'm just... Arland. Stop, see your voice.

Holland. Your voice. Stop saying my name. Holland. Ah! What are we doing? Arlund, today I want to examine your nightmares. My nightmares. How about I'm looking at my nightmare right now? What do you mean, Arland? I'm looking at you, Ascot.

Holland. Oh, God! Can we just get on with this? Arland. What about my nightmares? Arland, I want you to tell me your nightmares so we can analyze them. Oh, God. Is this really necessary? Holland nightmares.

Okay. I once dreamt out. is being chased down the street by this big hairy thing with big feet and claws and big crazy teeth and big long teeth and hairy. Arland, you're gay. Excuse me? You're gay, Arland. What are you talking about? I'm gay.

Arland, it's clear by this nightmare you have homosexual tendencies, Arland. I do not have homosexual tendencies. It was a big, hairy, tall, gorilla, monster thing. Arland, many homosexual men refer to their private parts as big hairy monsters. Would you knock it off? Arland, keep going. What? More nightmares, Arland.

Oh, God. All right, so then I have this other reoccurring nightmare where I feel like. like I'm floating up on a cloud, and then all of a sudden the cloud falls, disappears, and I fall. I just keep going down, down, down, down. You keep going down, Arland. Yeah, I keep going down and down.

Arland, you're gay. What do you... Stop saying I'm gay. Arland, you're obviously over-sexual. Stop it! Holland You just said you were going down Let me look at my notes

It said you were going Down Down Down Holland Stop looking at the notes Get rid of the notes Holland

You said you were going down Get rid of the notes I meant falling down off a cloud I'm not gay Holland Stop it I'm not gay Holland

Continue Why so I can be called Gay again Holland Okay So the other one is I'm buried in a basement Okay

Someone throws me in a basement And I'm down there And I'm banging on the door I'm banging banging banging and they start filling it in with dirt. They start filling in the hole. They just keep throwing the dirt down and I'm starting to suffocate

and they're filling in the hole. Gay. What? Gay. How does me being trapped in a... Holland filling in the hole is a cinnamon for gay. Did you just say a cinnamon? A synonym, Holland.

I thought you said cinnamon. No, Holland, but that's also... so gay. Would you knock it off? I see what you're doing here. Everything I say, you're saying it's gay. Well, Arland, you did say you were having someone

fill in the hole. Knock it off. Get out of here. I'm done. Holland, we're not finished. Yeah, I'm finished. This is finished. It's over. Finished. Get out of here. Holland.

Get out of here through the front door, the side door, the back door? Did you just say the back door, Arland? Yes, I did. Gay. Stop calling me, gay, get out! Gay.

Get out of here! You're offending gay people everywhere with this. No, I'm not, Arland. I'm just trying to get you to admit you're gay. Get out of here! I know. Out the back door, Arland. Get out!

Good Lord. What a dumb ass. Can you believe that guy? How antiquated is this guy's practice? Stupid metaphors for being gay in my nightmares. Ass. That's gay, too, Holland. Keep saying ass. Get out!

God, anyways. Thank God it's Friday. Don't forget, folks, coming up later in the month. This is exciting. Thanksgiving is coming. You make sure you're here for the Harland Highway Thanksgiving Day parade. We do it annually. We'll have John and John here doing the color commentary as all the beautiful floats.

Come streaming down the highway. You don't want to miss it. We do it every year. The Harland Highway Thanksgiving Day parade with John and John. So put that in your bonnet. Remember it. It's coming up later in the month. Don't forget Fudgy Wudgey Fudge Face. My new film is out available at Harlan Williams.com.

My own movie I wrote and directed is nuts. I think you might like it. If you like what I do, I think you'll like the movie. What can I say? Don't forget the websites, Harlandhighway.com. Fudgefilm.com If you want to learn more about fudgy wudgy Fudge face

and keep the letters and the phone messages coming. The phone numbers at harlough williams.com You can write, you can phone and leave a message. We'll get them on the podcast eventually. I don't do it every week. I usually do viewer mail and viewer phone messages

usually once or twice a month. So if you don't hear it right away, don't be sad. It will probably show up. eventually. And that's it. I hope you had a good time today, folks. Love having you here.

Love bringing you the Harland Highway every other day of the week to keep you going, to keep a smile on your face. Hope you're having a good time. I know I am. And until next time, chicken chowmame, baby. After all, it isn't every day that we entertain celebrated contest winners. Thank you.