The Harland Highway - PODCAST 188

Episode Date: November 8, 2010

My birthday, teen heart throbs, voice mails, crows, car batteries, girl farts, mammoths. Pass the onion butter kids! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to the podcast, California. Such a lovely place, such a lovely place, such a lovely place, such a lovely. All right, all right. You might not even be in California. How dare I call it the podcast, California? Hopefully you're all over the world riding down the Harland Highway with me, your host, Harlem Williams. Great to have you here. What a show today.

I'm going to be talking about somebody's birthday. I don't know who's. Could it be mine? I don't know. Why would I even bring it up if it wasn't? I'm going to talk about my experience with teen heartthrob of Justin Bieber. Yeah, I had a close encounter with him. We're going to be talking about the death of something.

Your car battery? Always sad. We're going to be talking about crows. There's something I didn't know about crows, and you might not know about crows. So we're going to get into that. Also, somebody's uncovered a mammoth in the ice, and they might, like, recreate Jurassic Park their hairy asses. We're going to get into that. And then we're going to hear from you.

There's a few voicemails ripe and ready where we get to find out what's on your mind. So let's go. It's time to get into your mind here, on the heart. Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hi, I'm Jackie want to play. Please go away and leave me alone. You just made a wrong turn.

On to the Harland Highway. Man, keep it going. Love the show. You're hilarious. My blanche and my blue blanket. Give me my blue blanket. Passing your seat, you're riding down the Harlan Highway.

It's the Haarland Highway. Have you checked the children? They say it's your birthday. Nobody's saying it's my birthday. I'm saying it's my birthday. Yeah, that's right. My birthday is coming up very soon. Very, very, very soon.

It's this Sunday, okay? November the 14th. So I thought I'd let you know, sometimes people get pissed if you don't tell them it was your birthday. They're, oh, man, why don't you tell me what's your birthday, man? Well, oh, man, I was going to buy you something. Yeah, I was going to spend my hard-earned money and buy you something because you were born. Yeah, right. Nice try, man.

Then you go tell people your birthday, and they're like, oh, it was your birthday? Oh, yeah, I was out of town. I was in Nepal climbing Everest. You know, what? You were born when? So anyways, I'm laying it out there. If any of you want to write Little Old Me, your humble host, a birthday greeting at Harlan Williams.com,

or you want to leave a message at the Harland Highway Message Center. You know the number 3-2-3-215-14-86. 3-2-3-215-14-86. If you want to leave a little birthday ditty, tell me to go get stuffed or say nice things or tell me about the present you're not going to get me, I don't know. It'd be nice to hear from you, folks.

You hear from me three days a week. When do I ever hear from you? Maybe on my birthday is a little highway treat and we'll play some of your birthday greetings later in the week. Maybe on Friday show. Maybe you'll have to talk to Dr. Ascott about getting old. I don't know. So I'm just letting you know that my birthday is coming up. So I'm putting it on you people to make it special.

Make me feel special You're special Oh God, what are you doing here? Hi, it's me, Michael Jackson And I heard you say special Yeah, I said special I'm talking about my birthday Should be a special day

Special Get out of here But a special day Get out Oh God It's all I need on my birthday Is Michael Zachary Jackson.

It's special. Get out. So here's something I wanted to tell you about, okay? I'm off shooting a movie somewhere. And I'm staying in this, you know, they got me up in a nice

hotel. I've been here for like six weeks, you know, shooting this movie. And I'm pretty much obviously live here. And I guess a lot of celebs and people stay here because it's nice and so last week Justin Bieber you know the little leave it to Bieber guy with the hairdo and the teen heartthrob kid so he's he's

staying at the hotel and all the I guess all the kids in town caught wind of it they got Bieber fever or whatever and they're flocking around out front they're like stationed out front in the rain and the cold they're standing out there a big gaggle of googly girls and they're there for days like they're not there for a couple of minutes a couple hours they're out there for days they're out there late at night they're out there in the morning

they're standing around there's paparazzi guys there's news cameras and I don't know I didn't see the kids show up the whole time I was hanging around I mean I had to go off and shoot my movie but we came me at 6 o'clock in the morning 5 a day to see them It all they do is push your father and fall away. And then they don't even let you say.

It was just crazy. Like these, you know, 14-year-old, 15-year-old girls, most of them pretty attractive. You know, I had to walk by them when I'd walk out of the hotel. And I'd fantasize in my mind that they're here for me. Oh, Mr. Williams! Oh, it's Justin William Bieber. But no, they barely knew who I was.

There was a couple that waved and figured out who I was, but just daddy's getting a little old. Thanks, birthday. It's special. Get out. So they were just hankered around the hotel, waiting and waiting. I'm thinking, what's the end game here for the girls? Like, what are they, what is their objective?

What are they hoping to achieve? They barely looked like they're in puberty. And Bieber's got to be, I think the guy's 12 or 13, so I'm guessing he hasn't gone through puberty yet, or he's just starting, he's just figuring out the magic, funny things are happening when he sleeps and when he wakes up. He's starting to figure out who he is. And what's the end game for the girls? Do they just want an autograph? Do they want a pitcher?

do they want to go up to his room and get it on and how does Bieber handle it you know he's got all these girls at his beck and call and I don't want to be gross but he's still bald if you know what I mean the kid's probably still bald down in his nether regions like what's he supposed to do

oh hi girls You want to stare out the window and watch birds fly by? Sorry, my voice just cracked. Do you want to make love, girls? I mean, what does that guy? How does that guy get it on? How does a 12-year-old Justin Bieber do a groupie? All right, you lay on the band, and I'm going to take my clothes off.

Don't mind my bald spot. I mean, what is the whole end game here? Do they just want to stand out there and scream? Do they want to, do they want something? I don't know. Where does it all go? And then what happened is, you know, Bieber was hiding in the hotel, and I guess some kid was staying at the hotel, right?

There was something like, you know, 14-year-old boy staying with his parents, and I guess he figured out what was going on. So what the kid did, I guess he had the room with his parents that, like, looked over the front of the hotel. So what happened is the kid started having fun, and this 14-year-old boy started opening the curtains and standing in the window, and all the girls were looking up. It's Bieber! You know, and all they could see was a silhouette of a kid. So they thought it was Bieber, and this kid was milking it to the point.

where I heard that the hotel had to go up and tell them to knock it off because no one could sleep at the hotel. It's like a bunch of gaggly girls out there, like a flock of crows. Or a murder of crows, I guess is what they call it. Maybe they can go in and murder Bieber. I don't know. What's that mean? Nothing.

I'm scared. No, you're not. You're special. Oh, God. so there you go it's uh there's the uh celebrity fanaticism that goes on and uh yeah i was like i said i was secretly pretending it was me but it wasn't i've never been at a hotel and had throngs of women standing outside screaming and thank god because little do they know i've never been through puberty either what you're special last season

highway harland rides it all night long hey it's lisa in washington just wanted to drop you a line and let you know that i listen to you every day at work and you improve my day mr harlan williams keep it up bye ah see thanks lisa that that kind of message makes my day so this is why we do it if i can't can do this and uh help help just bring something more to somebody's day to somebody's life somebody's moment somebody's minute i love it glad you're uh loving it having a good time keep the calls coming and i'm going to keep the show coming right here right now oh god you ever have your car battery die not the worst feeling in the world.

Just you stick that key in and you're all ready to go somewhere. Hey, we're going for dinner. We're going to a movie. We're going for a click. Nothing. It's just like an empty vacuum in space. You know, your battery's completely dead. Like the door doesn't buzz.

The little dings that happen. The little lights that are supposed to come on, don't come on. Nothing happened. It's like you're sitting on a corpse Your car with all its metal and technology And rubber wheels and glass windows It's just a big blob of nothing It has no life

It's almost like you want to put it on a big slab And crank it up into the sky During a lightning storm It's like a remake of Frankenstein And there's your Dodge Neon up there silhouetted against the dark thunderous midnight rain clouds and you're standing down there in a white lab coat

live live and the lightning's crackling and hitting your car live ego higher higher ego live and then the lightning hits your car and you're you're yelling

It's alive! Okay, maybe you just go get a jump from someone with jumper cables. How's that? Did I get a little too dramatic there? Did I go over the top? It was fun, though, wasn't it? Just for a minute there, you felt like you were Dr. Frankenstein. Like Dr. Frankenstein drove a Dodge neon.

Huh. How about those battery cables? cables, those jumpers. Those things are intimidating, huh? They look like a mix between some kind of bizarre sex toy and I don't know some kind of rigging from a lobster

fishing boat or something. The clamps on there and the oh, skinny kids. It's alive! There I did it again. I'm getting all excited. Anyways, I hope your battery doesn't die because

we want you to get to where you need to go. And we certainly don't want you stuck on the side of the Harland Highway. We always want you motoring, nice and fast. Here with me, Harlem Williams. Okay, so I'm going to go back a bit. I mentioned this little earlier. I mentioned the term or the phrase or the category.

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Have fun. Don't throw your back out. If you're here to know things, I don't know things. Okay, maybe I know a few things. I know I like fish and chips. But I talked earlier. I mentioned the phrase that a murder of crows. Isn't that cool?

Like there's all these different categories for animals, right? There's a herd of cows. There's a pod of whales. There's a flock of seagulls. Right? But there's a murder of crows. Isn't that ominous? Isn't that cool?

Ooh. Ah! I like that. man that make that that just I heard that recently and I was like wow crows are like the biker gangs of the sky man you've got some street cred when you're called a murder right what are you guys we're a flock of chickadees what are you guys we're a flock of hummingbirds well what are you guys we're a murder of

crows bitch now back off whoa just asking up yours right i like that a murder of crows you know even killer whales don't have that kind of uh you know you think you think it'd be a killer of whales or a murder of killer whales what a what do they get they get pod hi we're a pod of killer whales yeah well we're a murder of crows ah yeah well we have our own podcast because we're a pod of killer whales yeah well we eat iPods for breakfast we're a murder of crows so i don't know if it gets much cooler than that man a murder of crows watch out watch out next time you're watching walking down the street and you see a bunch of black crows circling overhead they might just have murder on their mind you best get yourself to an ocean and get some uh protection from a pot of whales Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Hey holly hilly It's Harlan Williams here with you on the Harlan highway And uh I don't know Is this an interesting story they found A baby woolly mammoth Okay encased in ice in Russia I mean this thing's in such good shape

Its eyes are still there It's tusks it's it's um beak or whatever it is what's it goes it's uh nose what's that thing called it's trunk that's what it is i'm so excited i can't even speak um so this thing's in such good shape it's it's been preserved so well in the ice they're uh bringing experts in from all over the world and they're hoping they can find some DNA that they can use to perhaps resurrect the woolly mammoth as a species. I guess they would, uh, you know, inject the egg into its closest relative, the Asian elephant or something like that. And presto, we got woolly mammoths running around.

All right, aren't we already having a problem with elephants and rhinos and lice? And lions and zebras. Aren't we just obliterating all the nature that lives on this planet? We're harpooning the whales. We're chopping up dolphins. We're cutting the fins off of sharks and dumping them back in the water. The guerrillas are almost dead. So instead of saving what we have, why don't we bring back the biggest damn elephant you've ever seen?

It's so big it's not even an elephant. It's a mammoth. Yeah, because, you know, we don't got room for what we already have, but let's bring back a herd of mammoth. And not only that, they're woolly. So now we're going to get hair all over the planet. You ever seen the backseat of your car when your dogs are done? Or your couch?

Yeah, we're going to get mammoth hair all over the planet. It's going to be a mess. I mean, I'm all for dinosaurs. Hey, bring back the T-Rex, man. I'll buy a velociraptor. I'll trade my Rottweiler in and get me a Velocirapt. That should keep people away from my house, right? Yeah.

Where are we going to put a bunch of woolly mammoths? We're going to stick them through our walls like the flintstones did and use them as our faucets? I need some cold water to fill up the sink. Honk. Just squeeze the old mammoth trunk. Here it comes. Wilma! Okay, friends.

I don't know, man I mean, do you think we can maybe bring back Marilyn Monroe and some of those people? How about Bridget Bardot and what about can we get some of their DNA? I'd like a herd of Bridget Bardot's trucking across my yard in the middle of the night. I'll put out some cigarettes and some vodka

and try and lure them in and have a party. ride in on a mammoth if you want ladies hello i don't know i'm just thinking outside of the box the big woolly box woolly mammoth box here on the harland highway okay now speaking of pretty women okay bridget bardo and maryland and the like a taboo topic that uh you know it could be a myth it could be a reality but here's what pops the myth here's what blows the myth out of the water sadly oh i hate to talk about this women farting okay most guys like to think that it never happens um most guys like to believe that they don't do it.

And I don't know why. Maybe it's a femininity, masculinity thing. But we just don't typically, as guys, think of women as blasting one. You know? We just don't picture a woman walking down the street. She looks at her girlfriend and like, hey, Karen, Watch this. And they, you know, they lift up a leg and pump their fist.

Oh, that's awesome. Do another one. You know. And I guess there is that femininity thing. You know, us guys like to think that women don't even know how to do it. It's an impossibility. When God created women, even though they ate an apple, which causes a gas, there's no way a woman could fart

right there's no chance so here's where the myth gets busted is when a woman tells you she farted it's almost shocking you know they do it they try to be cute

like I had a couple of girls recently just randomly I don't know why they opened up to me but this one girl was like, I ate a bunch of cabbage rolls for lunch and I'm gassy. I've been farting all over the place. No, you haven't because you're a girl.

You don't know how. Girls do not know how to fart. Yes, we do. No, you don't. Yes, we do. Uh, no, you don't. It's physically impossible. No, it's not, listen.

So, I don't know. And when she told me that, I was just like, ew, don't tell me that. Girls aren't supposed to fart. Like, don't walk up to us and go, it's cute. You know, think that it's cute to tell us you farted. Don't think you're ingratiating yourself to us. Don't think it's a,

Don't think that it's a bonding moment. Don't be like with your girlfriends. Don't be like, you know, Sarah, I'm trying to get closer to Jim. What do guys like? I want to relate. Well, guys love to fart. Oh, that's what I'll do. I'll go tell him I farted.

Hey, Jim. Oh, Christ, I'm fixing the car. Really? Let's have a beer. You know, It doesn't work. There's no cute factor. There's no charm to it.

There's no funny. Honestly, just don't let us know about the fart thing. We don't want to know about it. We don't want to hear it. That another girl tell me that one. She's like, yeah, I farted over by this guy and he got all upset. Yeah. I knew a girl that was an airline.

stewardess or a flight attendant excuse me who did a thing she told me it was called crop dusting I'm like what the hell is that she's yeah because we're on the plane and we walk down the aisle we'll start at the front and as we're

walking by everyone we blast one out we call it crop dusting because we have to walk by everyone good Lord Did you have to tell me that? So there you go, girls. Just, you know, keep a little dignity in this day and age

where the roles between men and women get blurred, you know, with jobs and wages and equal rights and women allowed in men's locker rooms and women playing sports and all the things that you've worked up to, you know, even going way back to the days when you couldn't vote, you know, and there's a lot of differences between men and women, okay? Times have a changed, times that they have a changed, okay?

The line is blurry, the separation between men's women, men's roles, and men, what the hell am I saying? Men's roles and women's roles in society. seem to get closer they edge closer but the one thing just please i'm asking you to to leave leave alone okay is the farting just because men do it women don't take it up just give us that leave us that one little separation between you and us okay you can do anything else you want that's masculine or manly whatever just don't start getting in to the fart that was a good rhyme i was just listening to the harland highway for mike a few days ago and you gave that kid's shit

because you didn't know the fucking difference between a parking break and a handbrake what do you sit with it up your ass let your freaking dingus push the button to try to stop your car from doing skid-skid you skeet-skete-skete-b-bastard whoa whoa whoa did he just call me a skeet-skete-skete-bastard you skeet-skete-skete-bastard oh there's only one thing I hate more than being called a skeet-skete-skete-skit bastard skib-skid skeet-bastard yeah that's it skid skid skid skid skid skid oh skis Skeet, skeet, bastard. Oh, God, he got me.

Well, he wins that round. Keep those calls coming, folks. You know the number. If you want to leave your skeet, skeet, skid-skid message, it's 323, 215, 1486. It's just a voice machine so you can leave whatever you want. not going to talk to anyone. Just don't skeet, skeet, skid, skid me, okay?

Skid, skid, skit, skit, skit, bastard. Oh, gummy again. All right, that's it. I have to shut the show down after that. We are at the end of another fabulous stretch of the highway here. I have been your host, and will remain your host until I'm skeet, skeet, skid-skid-skidded the hell out of here. But great to be here with you.

Hope you had a grand old time. And don't forget, if you want to call in and leave me a birthday greeting or a song or a message or better yet, why don't you describe to me what kind of gift you're going to give me? Or if you can take me out for birthday dinner, where would we go? What will we do? Oh, fun. the number again 323215-1486 looking forward to hearing from you and don't forget you can hear the show on your cell phone

if you download Stitcher go to stitcher.com you can get a free app and take the Harland Highway with you on your cell phone wherever you go If you're falling over a cliff, if you're at the bottom of a lake, if you're standing in a long, long line at Baskin-Robbins, you can listen to the Harland Highway. Don't forget the websites. We have Harlanwiliams.com. We have Harlandhighway.com.

And don't forget, my brand new movie is now available in our store at Harlow Williams. Fudgey-Wodgy-Fudge Face. If you want to learn more about my movie that I wrote and directed, it's pretty silly, you can check that out at fudgefilm.com. There's a whole website dedicated to my indie movie, Fudgy-Wudgy Fudge Face. There's some really cool stuff there, including you can look at footage of what I think might have been a UFO that I filmed accidentally. So a lot of stuff there.

Keep it coming, folks. Great to have you here. And if you get the chance, tell your friends about the Harland Highway. Spread the joy. Spread the skeet, skeet, skid, skid. Or I'll send a murder of crows out to get you. That's it. Hope you had a great time.

And until next time, my friends, chicken chow mean, baby. Skid, skit, skeet, bastards. I don't know.