The Harland Highway - PODCAST 189

Episode Date: November 10, 2010

Kissing, dog surgery, ladies night, birthday news, voicemails, and Timmy King campfire songs. Peel my pork chops!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, oh, everybody was podcast fighting. No, there's no fighting on this podcast. The only thing you'll be fighting with is how to turn it off because you won't want to stop listening. We have a packed show today here on the highway. We're going to be talking about kissing. I might just ruin kissing for all of you. Oh, I almost don't want to talk about it, but I will.

You'll have to stick around to hear my theories and my observations on kissing. We're going to talk about dog surgery. Ladies' night. We got some voicemail coming at you. Um, we're going to be talking about somebody's birthday. I don't know who. Could it be mine? I'm not sure.

We're going to be talking about the wonders of the world. The seven or ten or fifteen wonders of the world. Um, and then Timmy, my producer's son is going to be dropping by. Oh, I don't want to do this to sing some campfire songs. Uh, hopefully I don't get burnt. But you won't get burnt. You're nice and safe. Right here on the Harland Highway.

Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hi, I'm Jackie. Want to play? Please go away and leave me alone. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Man, keep it going. Love the show.

You're hilarious. My blanket. My blue blanket. Give me my blue blanket. Fasten your seat, though. You're riding down the Harlan Highway. It's the Harland Highway Have you checked the children

Hey there Harland You know the other day I had me One of them What would Harlan Williams do moment So you know You just let me know And hey I'm just going to start time

Stop babbling Whoa, all right Whoa slow down All right Me and my donut You know we're just hand in hand Walking down the road just enjoying the sunshine

and then like out of nowhere you know those donuts they're really slippery falls out of my hand it's on the gravel on the ground you know the first thing I do is I just like this god why why does this happen to me

so I just you know I gave it mouth to mouth but the thing is you know while I'm eating this donut on this beautiful day the gravel is like getting stuck in my teeth you know a couple my teeth, you know, they get busted, and I'm just like, what do I do here? I mean, with my remaining good teeth, like, how am I supposed to eat this donut? And then it occurs to me, you know,

what would Harlan do? And I'm thinking, you know, I think maybe he would just, like, suck on the donut and then kind of, like, absorb it that way. And then if gravel gets in down to my throat, you know, that's okay, right? I mean, come on, you know, what's a little gravel? And then, uh, so I'm just wondering, you know, like, what would you have done? Would you have, like, rushed the door to the hospital, or would you just, like, eaten the deal out there, or maybe not? Or, like, hose it down in the grass somehow? I'm not even sure. And I wanted a question, do you think that, like, the rocks are going to be hanging out in me for indefinitely or what? All right, thanks.

Wow. Okay. Wow. Wow. Wow. Well, questions, questions. Well, first of all, kudos to you for having such a romantic outing with your donut um nothing like you know walking through the park and seeing a young couple you know some guy walking through the park hand in hand with his honey glazed donut or his french crueler that's just spring springtime romance right there um well so much ground to cover here um first of all it's hard to give a donut mouth to mouth because you go to put your mouth on it and donuts have that hole in the middle right so it's very hard to uh you know blow into anything because it's just a hole that the air goes uh in and out it goes nowhere so it's very very tough to do CPR on a donut um and uh as far as

As far as the gravel all over the donut, you know, hey, it's called texture. Donuts are soft. Sometimes you get the chocolate ones and they're dipped in crushed peanuts. Gravel peanuts, gravel peanuts, gravel peanuts. You know, you're talking apples and oranges here. Just enjoy it. So you snap a few teeth off. Whoopty-do.

But if you are having trouble, you know, eating your donut once your teeth have snapped off, like what happened to this young fella. Here's what you can do, and this is what I learned and did years ago, is I had poison glands implanted behind my teeth in my mouth. I don't know if you've ever watched the nature shows, but a spider or a toxic centipede or a praying mantis or even a snake, what happens is they inject their, their victims, their prey, with poison.

And what the poison does is it breaks down, it starts to break down the flesh inside their victim. It starts to liquefy their flesh. So in essence, the insides of a frog or a mouse or whatever they happen to bite starts to turn into like a gooey, milky, flesh milkshake. and you just have the outer shell of the creature that's been bitten, the hide or the husk or whatever you want to call it.

And you liquefy the innards, and it makes it so much easier to digest. You're not breaking through tissue and muscle and bone. So I had these poison glands installed in my, you know, at a fine Beverly Hills surgery facility. just in the event that I would drop a donut and a gravel while I'm out walking with it in the park, holding its hand, romancing it, that I could, in essence, bend down, inject my poison glands into the donut, thus liquefying it and making it so much easier to eat, separating the gravel from the yeast, from the dough. and so I never have an embarrassing situation like this little young fella did

you know when you're out walking your donut in the park so no I didn't rush my donut to the hospital my donut is fine in fact the next time my donut is at the hospital I think it's about three months from now it's to give birth my donut's pregnant we're having a a great, great, romantic time. Our relationship's going hard and steady. And to answer your second question, yes, the rocks inside you will stay there forever. There's no getting rid of the rocks.

They're like bubble gum. You know, when you swallow a piece of gum it stays there for seven years? Well, next time you're out, why don't you put a pebble in one hand, a rock and a piece of bubble gum in the other. And you'll see the density a piece of bubble gum is very pliable

and rubbery and soft. And if that takes seven years to get through your system, what do you think a rock takes? You'd have better luck hiring Barney Rubble and Fred Flintstone swallowing them and have them go into

your belly and excavate your gravel the way they do down at the gravel pit. What do you mean, weird answer? I'm talking to a guy who walks donuts through the park and sucks the gravel off them, okay? What kind of answer do you want me to give? But that's why I love my listeners

because they have these probing questions and somehow I have the answers. I don't know why. So there you go. Thanks for Colin. Keep your phone calls coming, and don't forget when you're with your donut in the bedroom, wear a condom. Hello! God, why? Why does it happen to me?

Yo, it's Harlan Williams here, the seventh wonder of the world, and the Harlan Highway, the sixth wonder of the world. Have you heard about this? They are renaming the Seven Wonders of the World. of the world. Here's some of the new ones. They got the Taj Mahal in India, Machu Picchu in Peru, which is the ancient

Inca city nestled in the mountaintops. Petra in Jordan, the lost city of Petra, the Great Wall of China, the Colosseum in Italy, and Stonehenge. I don't know. Should these be the great wonder

Seven Wonders of the World? I don't know. A bunch of rocks standing in a field. Stone hand. Oh, hey. Look at the rocks. They're... Oh, my God.

They're upright. Oh, Lord Jesus. Look at the stone hinges there. Whatever that word means. And look at this great wall in China. Oh, it's a... Look at there. It's a...

Oh, what is it? It's a wall. Oh, good Lord. Oh, Jesus, it's a wall. I don't know, man. What about McDonald's? That's got to be a wonder, isn't it? I wonder why I'm not there right now.

We all go to me. We love McDonald. The golden arches are one of the wonders of the world, aren't they? French fries. There's a wonder. The Apple iPhone, there's a wonder. How about Wonderbred? The wonderful, a wonderful loaf of Wonderbread.

That should automatically be a wonder of the world, because it's called, wonder is in its name. I wonder why Wonderbread's not a wonder. Wow, that was a tongue twister. That should be a wonder. That tongue twister I did was so difficult to say, I can't even say it again. That should be a wonder.

Pamela Anderson should be on the top of the list. She's a wonder. Let's see. Do I want to go look at those rocks standing up in the field or that giant wall or the Taj Mahal or Pamela Anderson? All right, that one was just for the guys. I mean, man I don't know Let me pick the Seven Wonders, man

Donald's Burger King Wendy's Dairy Queen There's four right there I hardly even had to think about it Oh boy Well I'm going to go get my wonder bread And make myself a Stonehenge sandwich

And I'm going to go sit on a wall and eat it Won't that be wonderful? You're on the number one wonder of the world to Harland Highway with me, Harlan Williams. And here's something I wonder about, and I don't know if you folks wonder about it, and maybe I shouldn't even bring it up. Maybe this is going to ruin something good for a lot of people. God, why am I about to do this? I guess because I have a curiosity about it, we all do it.

It brings pleasure to humans. I don't think you see it anywhere else in nature, really. Kissing. Okay? We've all done it. We all love it. It brings us pleasure. It brings us satisfaction.

It brings us intimacy. It brings us bacteria. Here's the thing. I was walking down the street the other day. And, you know, with my donut. And I see these two people out in the street doing the public affection thing. They're making out and kissing. And my initial thing was like, oh, how sweet.

And I was a little bit jealous. I was like, I wish I had a little lady right here now. I could be kissing it on the sidewalk. And as I got closer, I noticed, you know, I started seeing that their mouths were pressed together. And I started thinking about mouths. and what we do with them and kind of kissing and the idea of placing your mouth

on someone else's mouth and yeah I know if you don't want kissing ruined for you just shut this off right now shut your damn podcast off okay normally I'd say shut your pie hole but I'm going to say it shut your podcast

Shut your dirty podcast right now Because here's the thing Think about your mouth Think about all the things your mouth does Okay It's primarily for eating Okay so picture Someone's mouth

The next time you go to kiss them Picture them shoving a fish in there Shoving some raw sushi in there grinding it up chewing up and down right what was once a solid mass gets pulverized into like a gooey pulp right picture them uh you know eating a cob of corn right chewing away sucking on the cob all the kernels flying in there getting pound all the mush right all the stuff that goes on in your mouth all the spit hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes you always want to have better sex that's what you want it

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That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. All the blood when you're flossing. and then this is really going to kill it for you. I'd shut your podcast if you don't want to have your kissing ruin, man.

Shut your dirty podcast. Puking, okay? Oh, God. Why am I talking about this? But, you know, all the stuff that got turned into pulp, all the food, okay, coming back up the other way and blu-la-blah-blah-blah. streams of vomit dripping so that's what I mean that's kind of weird it's it's amazing how we block out all that stuff when we go in for the kiss right but then when you think of all

that junk and crap that's been churning around in that mouth and the tongue all this stuff the tongue is done and all this stuff the teeth have done and the gums and the dental procedures and the eating and oh shut your dirty podcast so i don't know i hope i didn't ruin your kissing i probably did don't be mad at me maybe we can kiss and make up come on hang on let me eat this lasagna first let me floss my teeth teeth. You know, let me throw up. Come on, let's kiss and make up. Oh, God. I don't know. I just think of these things and I share them with you. You know, I've probably ruined kissing for a lot of you. Look, phone me. Leave me a message on my answering machine. Give me grief if you need to. I do a

apologize or maybe you can add to the conversation but for now i'm going to kiss off oh yeah everybody harland williams with you on the harland highway hope you're having a groove e day oh god uh we had to go through this last week my one of my producers has a kid who likes to go camping And last week I had to have them on the show because it's the producer's kid Little Timmy King

came in and taught us how to sing campfire songs It was pathetic Hey Hi Timmy I'm going to teach you how to sing Campfire songs Is there a problem

Don't get snippety with me Well it's an American institution People sit around a campfire And they sing songs It's a bonding thing for families and friends And all right, cut the lecture, kid Well, you don't seem to know ass Hey, watch your tone

Just sing your songs What do you got? Kumbaya, my lord, Kumbaya! Kumbaya, my lord, kumbaya. Boy, that was great, thanks. Now get out. I'm not done yet.

How many campfire songs are you going to sing? I got a few. more like a virgin touched for the very first time oh no you're not doing madonna again like a virgin this is not a campfire song kid come on and touch me kid

i'm just trying to sing a campfire song like a virgin is not a campfire song up yours get out of here i got one more hurry up Hey, Ricky, you're so fine, you're so fine, you blow my mind. Hey, Ricky! Hey, Rich, all right enough.

Hey, Ricky, you're so... Get out of here. Hope you fall in the campfire, you little brat. I'll tell my father. Good, go tell him. I will, ass. Go put some liquid barbecue starter on yourself and go smoke a cigarette. How dare you, you ask?

Get out of here. Come on and touch me out. You ever see something that's... funny but sad at the same time so check this out i'm sure you've uh you've encountered this you're walking down the road or you're walking by your neighbor's house or something like that and uh they've got a dog right and it's a normal dog except for one thing it's got a cone around its head you ever seen that where i guess dogs get surgery around the facial area or on their ears and to prevent the dog from scratching with its with its back feet or its front paws

they put a big plastic cone around its head so you see this dog wandering down the street it looks like some kind of space satellite dish Martian dog peep beep beep beep beep beep and it's just got this ridiculous cone this big plastic cone around its head and it looks ridiculous I just want to like it looks like a walking furry snow cone okay i just want to like pick it up hold it around the waist and start licking its head right down to the stump of its neck as if its head was a snow cone flavor what kind of snow cone you got man oh that's a basset hound blueberry man you're disgusting your last name isn't dalmer is Is it?

I don't know. You put a cone around your neck and let me find out. You know, or you just want to put French fries around the dog's head, right? You ever seen when they put French fries in those little cones? Or you just want to put like some whipped cream and a cherry on the dog's forehead, right? Like, as if he's topping off an ice cream cone. Maybe some fish and chips, stuff it in there. your poor dog he looks like he's

i've obviously been through some traumatic surgery yes he's recovering well i must say he not only looks healthier he looks delicious can i put some ketchup and malt vinegar on his head i mean can you imagine if they did that with humans you know some some hollywood bimbo gets plastic surgery? Right? She gets her lips done and her face pinned back and her collagen put in and her Botox and the doctors wrap like a plastic satellite dish around her head. She's walking down

the street. Oh my God, this is horrible. Why? Because of the surgery? No, I can't see any of the stores. Is there anything on sale? This plastic cone is blinding me. I can't see past it. I don't want to miss out on any shoe bargains. Someone help me. Christ. Okay, here's some fishing chips. Oh, Christ. Don't put it against my skin. I just paid $7,000 to have it peeled.

All right, well, how about some snow cone? Okay, that should cool off the burning. I don't know, man. Weird stuff. Weird stuff. So next time you're wandering down the sun. street, and you see a snow cone dog, have a lick, because God knows the dogs are always licking us. Time for a little snow cone payback.

Hey, everybody, you're on the Harland Highway with your host Harlan Williams, and I've got some exciting news. Next Monday night here on the Harlan Highway is Ladies' Night. Yeah, Ladies get in to my show for free. Guys, half price, or if you bring a lady, you get in for free as well. Oh, it is going to be hot. Wall to wall ladies. The ratio is going to be 10 ladies to every guy. So, guys, make sure you're listening next week.

You heard me, Ladies Night, here on the Harland Highway, ladies all over the place. Okay, what am I talking about? You ever fall for that old thing? Ladies' night at the bar? Every bar does it, right? Oh, ladies' night, yeah, free chicken wings, and ladies. What's hotter, the chicken wings are the ladies on ladies' night? Yeah, come on in.

How many of you guys have fallen for that? The ladies' night, you show up and it's a sausage fest. Sausage Fest. Come on in. It's going to be ladies everywhere. You show up. There's no ladies. What's the worst thing you can do? Tell a bunch of guys.

There's a bunch of ladies. Gee, do you think maybe the guys are going to outnumber the ladies at that point? You're like wandering around the bar with binoculars. You've got to hire a tracker. Everybody be quiet. I think I look over there There's a lady Over in the corner

What did he say? What did he say? He said, we're going to go over and get the lady And you chuck over, you make your way through all the dudes You get over there Chick turns around Some guy who's been following the Grateful Dead for 30 years With long hair Hey baby, what's up?

I don't know, what's up with you? want to grab a beer or what? But don't forget, all next Monday, it's ladies' night here on the Harland Highway. Yeah, that's right, the ladies' night. I heard somewhere that there was a lawsuit that finally came down, you know, because this is America, and everybody eventually sues everybody for everything, because that's how ridiculous it is. I guess some men got together and cried foul and said that it was discrimination to have ladies night and give ladies all these benefits and give ladies free drinks and half price and no cover charge. And the men were having to pay full price for everything.

It was discrimination. so who knows the ladies night deal might be a thing of the past before you know it and uh you know maybe for us men who sometimes have to deal with the ladies shouting we want equality we want to be just like men we want penises uh maybe in a way it's a little bit of a fun victory for us you know it uh that's uh that's a That's what it feels like. That's what it feels like sometimes when you're a dude and, you know, you're doing kind of guy things, dude things, and the ladies want in.

Well, guess what? We want into your stuff, too, ladies. You want into our sports locker rooms? We want into your sports locker rooms. You want to come in and interview the Dallas Cowboys after a game? Well, we want to go in and interview the beach volleyball. chicks after a game okay you scrub our backs and we'll most definitely scrub yours hello so there you go interesting interesting uh the ladies night thing might be a dinosaur how about we just don't have any night

and it's just like hey folks let's get together let's meet go have some drinks have some fun how about it's just folks night okay um and speaking of folks it's my birthday coming up yeah i'm gonna be 18 in a few days 18 years old mm-hmm what what you heard me i'm 18 whatever you think what you want i'm only eight listen to my voices i'm only 18 um so anyways i invite you to uh if If you're so inclined, if you want to call the answering machine and leave a birthday greeting, the number's 323-215-1486. 2-3-2-3-215-14-86, maybe say happy birthday, maybe tell me to go get stuffed,

maybe tell me what you'd do with me on my birthday, if you were to take me out for my birthday, What would that date be like? What would that evening be like? Would there be a present involved? Or again, would you just tell me to go get stuffed? I don't know. But, hey, if you feel like sending me an email at harlornwilliams.com

or calling the answering machine, I like to hear from you, folks. It's my birthday. I like to feel important. I like to feel that I exist for a reason, and we all know that reason is to do the Harlan Highway to service you. I am your slaves.

I was born to be your slaves. Would you like a pyramid on its way? I can't work Thursday nights. I'm at ladies' night. But outside of that, I will build you a pyramid. And then don't forget, fudgy, wudgey, fudge face. My indie film is now available for purchase, for your viewing pleasure.

You can pick it up at Harlem, Williams.com in our store. It's my own crazy comedy that I wrote, directed, and produced, and star in. It's nutty. Each copy comes personally autographed by me. And then don't forget, there is the website for the podcast, harlandhighway.com. And also, don't forget, Stitcher Radio. You can get a free application at Stitcher.com and listen to the Harland Highway on your cellular telephone device.

So there you go. That's it. I got to go walk my donut. And maybe I'll do some kissing with it, too. Who knows? It is a food product, so maybe I'm killing two birds with one stone. hope you had a good time today folks great to have you on board rolling down the harlan highway with me harlan williams and until next time chicken chow maim baby suck on the donut god why why why why does it happen to me