The Harland Highway - PODCAST 191

Episode Date: November 15, 2010

New fangled billboards, street lights, celebrity races, Harland sings a lovely love song, Timmy the campfire song kid. Peel my shrimp and call me Mongo!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

And that's why every podcast has its thorns. Every podcast has a long, no, no, there's no thorns. Nothing's going to prick you on this podcast. It's going to be smooth effing sailing, okay? What a show we have. We're going to be talking about billboards. You might think, what a boring topic. but way do you hear about the new spin on billboards and how they might affect your life.

Yeah, you better stick around for this. We're going to be talking about streetlights and the fun you can have with streetlights. And speaking of fun, we're going to be going to the Harland Highway Celebrity Racetrack today, backed by popular demand. I'm going to be doing a song for you, folks. We had a voicemail from a listener who actually liked my singing. So I'm just either warning you or, you know, bail out now if you want. But there will be a cheesy song.

And speaking of songs, oh, God. My producer, Roger, is stupid kids coming back to do some more campfire songs. What a pain in the ass. I got to figure out how to end that, man. I just got to stop it in its tracks. Because it sucks. But this podcast doesn't suck, because it's the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway.

Hi, I'm Jackie. Want to play? Please go away and leave me alone. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Man, keep it going. Love the show. You're hilarious.

My blanket. My blue blanket. Give me my blue blanket. Passing your seat. You're riding down the Harlan. Highway. It's the Harland Highway. Have you checked the children? Harlan. Just calling you about this whole emergency break versus parking break. I think technically it's a handbrake. That guy calls him wrong. The emergency break is just as common

to use break, as well as the term e-break, which I hear a lot. Anyways, man, keep up the awesome show. Oh, God. I can't believe what I a flap that that piece caused. Out of all the topics I touch on, you can't believe how many dudes are so sensitive about the emergency parking

break fiasco. I get so many calls and emails about what is the right term or terminology or title or name for that piece of apparatus. So let the debate continue.

It's intense. It's important. You know, the world needs to know. We need to resolve this thing. What the hell is it? It's stressing. The only way to alleviate the stress is to take some time off and I think head out to the Harland Highway Celebrity Racetrack and enjoy some celebrity racing. Everyone, I'm Charles Parsley here at the Holland Highway, Celebrity Racetrack, and a wonderful race line up for you today, actor tough man, Vin Diesel, and Gate 1. Dakota Fanning on the track today, the young actress. Also, Jimmy Hendrix, legendary guitarist, and Frankenberry from the serial named after him.

A very famous serial, and they're lining up in the gate. They're getting ready, calmly. And there they go. The gates are open. are thundering down the track the race is on and it looks like yes it looks like thin diesel is charging down the track no surprise with such a muscular frame and such muscular legs he's charging down the track breaking away from the pack and it looks like Dakota fanning is it looks like she's acting like she's running what an actress she's not even running but she's acting like

she's running so well it looks like she's running but it's causing her to be slow some wonderful acting running. Frankenberry seems to be making progress. He's coming up on Vin Diesel. Vin Diesel has stopped. Vin Diesel has stopped in the middle of the track and he starts eating gravel. He's trying to make sure that his voice remains gravely

and he's eating pebbles and stones right off in the track so that he doesn't lose that sexy, sultry voice. We've just learned the trick to why he talks like that. Now, Jimmy Hendricks, Jimmy Hendricks flying down the track. He has his guitar on his back. It's wrapped around his shoulder and he's chasing Frankenberry. Frankenberry looks nervous.

Frankenberry starts urinating. Frankenberry is urinating in his pants. His urine is the color pink. He's leaking pink urine all over the track. Jimmy Hendrix. Jimmy Hendricks lights his guitar on fire and he passes Dakota Fanning and Vince Diesel and he lights them on fire.

Dakota Fanning and Bin Diesel burning on the track, running around in flames. Although we can't be syrup, Dakota Fanning is just acting like she's on fire. That's how good she is. And now it's down to Frankenberry and Jimmy Hendricks. Jimmy Hendricks picking up speed.

And now Jimmy Hendricks has caught on fire. His hair a ball of flames. And it looks like Frankenberry's making his way lumbering down the track with those big pink legs. It's going to be close. It's going to be close. Here they come down to the wire. And Frankenberry's ripping off one of his arms.

He's torn the stitches. It's going to be so close. Frankenberry throws his arm across the track. He throws his arm and he beats. Jimmy Hendricks across the track. Unbelievable finish as Jimmy Hendrix comes flying across. Oh, and Jimmy Hendrix has just blown up. Jimmy Hendrix has blown up.

Frankenberry can't find his arm. And Dakota Fedding and Vin Diesel just piles of ash. Wonderful day at the Holland Highway's celebrity races. I'm Charles Parsley. We'll see you next time. wow what a sweet race good lord gets the blood gone man here's something that might get your blood gone too um check this out as technology keeps encroaching into our lives more and more every day and as technology and the people behind it look for ways to monetize us as citizens check this out

How about in Japan there is a company testing out billboards that watch you? Okay, an electronics company is testing a digital advertising billboard in Japan that uses facial recognition software to craft ads for people who walk by. A little scary, man, a little scary. Here's how the thing works. A small camera above the main screen catches the image of the face of the person passing by. The distance between the consumer and the screen is determined to gauge the potential level of interest. So, you know, depending on where you're standing, the billboard with its billboard brain is going, hmm, this guy's checking me out, man.

This guy must be interested. Too bad it's a guy. the hell i'll make some money off them okay so the computer then transforms the facial image into a digital data form or data form if you're from jersey i don't know data data you say tomato i say tomato i say data you say data um the data are then compared to the data of 10 000 real people whose faces have previously been recorded in the computer's database, along with their lifestyle profiles. Can you say stalker?

Is it possible for a billboard to be a stalker? Jim, what's that on our front lawn? Oh, that looks like a Baskin-Robbins billboard. What the hell is it doing there, just standing in the moonlight watching us? I don't know. I saw it today when I got off the subway. It followed me home. through the neighborhood. Oh, Christ.

Well, let's have an ice cream. Oh, Christ. Then the billboard does this. The individual will be categorized by gender and one of 10 age categories. So it's figuring out if you're a girl or a dude, and then it's kind of slotting you into the age you belong to.

The computer can judge the height and clothing style whether they are whether the person is accompanied by children or if it's sunny or raining or further things it it's just what a billboard's doing this i mean most people can't even don't have this much uh knowledge most people can't formulate this many thoughts at once So the computer then selects pre-programmed advertising suitable for the particular category of consumer. That is creepy. So it kind of figures out, based on all the data it is stored, what you might like or what you might be into or what might suit you. So that when you walk by the billboard, instead of like, let's say you're a dude,

and you walk by and there's a billboard for, you know, an 18-hour bra by playtex. Well, that doesn't work for a dude unless you're a little off. Hello. So the billboard in its logical mind goes, oh, here comes a, here comes a 28-year-old dude with a baseball cap and cut off sleeves. And I bet what he's thinking about is a brand-new Ford pickup truck.

Boom, there's a billboard of a pickup truck as this guy walks by. Wow. Talk about paying attention to details. Now, if only our boyfriends or girlfriends could have as much insight as to our likes and dislikes. Right? You ever notice at Christmas when your partner gets you something that totally doesn't suit your personality? Merry Christmas, Jim. I got you some knitting needles and a homemade bungee jumping cord.

What? What are you talking about? I'm into lawn darts and fishing. Oh, I didn't know that. Well, we've only been living together 14 years. Well, what am I supposed to know? What am I a billboard? How am I supposed to know these things?

What am I some kind of electronic billboard? Up yours. I mean, it's creepy, man. So there you go, and that's just the beginning. That's billboards. And you ever see that movie Minority Report with Tom Cruise? Remember it was set in the future and stationed all over the city everywhere you went were cameras. And these cameras scanned your retinas at all times so that somebody somewhere, some computer database,

always knew who you were and where you were going and what your location was. I hate to say of folks, but I think it's not too far off before we're living in that world. I mean, when you look at the way cities have cameras hanging everywhere now, when you think about things like electronic billboards that know what you're thinking, and what if you're a bit of a purve or a deviant, right? Let's say a couple of ladies walk by and the Victoria's Secret billboard comes up. And they're like, ooh, I think I'll get some lingerie, some nice ladies lingerie. And then some dude walks by a 43-year-old banker and everyone's like, oh, I wonder what that guy's into.

Let's see, maybe a truck or, you know, maybe some sports clothes or maybe a hand drill from Home Depot. but then he walks by and the Victoria's Secret lingerie thing doesn't change and the guy's outed that he likes to wear women's underpants hello thanks billboard

no thank you creepy man so watch out for your billboards man because they might be watching out for you Carland I am a long time listener And just so you know, I cannot get enough of podcast number 73 with your singing.

I feel that you need to have these songs available so I can listen to them all day long. But something about you and your voice is just so soothing and you get me through the day always. And I love you, man. And my alarm wake-up call in the morning is Chicken Chalman, baby. Wow, okay, okay. Thank you for the feedback, the input, the singing, the singing that every now and then I pop one of my songs out there. And just so you know, because you brought it up, I do have a CD. I have a very, very talented cousin.

He's, you know, I guess it runs in the family. My cousin Kevin is a member of the Bare Naked Ladies, rock and roll band. And he plays the guitar, the accordion, the keyboards. He writes a bunch of the songs. Very talented kid. And we've been singing and doing music our whole lives together. And we actually put together a fun little hobby band called The Cousins. And we actually put together a little CD with like six corny love songs on it just for fun.

And since this listener brought it up, you know, I thought, why not? Let's do it again. Much to the chagrin of some of you and maybe to the pleasure of some of you. I don't know. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes?

Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item. plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order.

Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code

Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. But here it comes a cheesy little kind of a country rock song. I don't know what it is about a girl named Christina and for those of you that dig the sounds

here it is. The cousins me and my cousin Kevin with Christina. Woo-hoo! Sometimes when I'm looking out the window Or sometimes when I'm standing on the beach I think I hear your name on the wind, babe and I wish you weren't so out of breach.

Sometimes when I hear a sad old love song or see a picture in a magazine I think of the times we had together and your name comes back to me Christina Christina Christina Christina

Christina Christina Christina Christina Sometimes when I hear a baby laughing or see a star

shoot across the sky it fills me up with gold golden memories, and I wish you never said goodbye. Oh, Christina, Christina. Broken hearts, they say don't own last forever, Do they ever been What I wouldn't do

Just to see Christina Why did it have to end Oh Christina Christina Christina Christina

Christina Cristina, Christina, Christina, Christina, Christina, Christina. Christina. Yes. Oh, there it is. The haunting Christina. I wonder if any of you out there are named Christina listening, or if there's any boys or dudes out there that had a girlfriend named Christina.

If you are that person or persons, I want to hear from you. See how this song affected you, if at all. Call me at Harlanwilliams.com. You can go there, and the phone number is right there at Harlandwiliams. Dot.com. And for those of you that want to hear more or like that song, like I said, we did make a CD called The Cousins, the Love Song Hears, and that is available at Harlanwilms.com in my store,

if it's of any interest to you. And there you go. So I'm glad that one listener appreciated it and enjoyed it. And, you know, I'll try and slip in more songs as we continue down the Oso musical, Harland Highway. Let me ask you something. Are you out there driving right now? I don't know if in your neighborhood or community you have this, but I certainly do. Have you got the streetlights that are up?

and now they've added like this countdown thing. Yeah, you got your red, yellow, your green, and then at the bottom they got this new light that displays numbers. They started about 20, and they count backwards, 20, 19, 18, 17. And what it does is it lets you know when the green light is going to switch to yellow and then ultimately to red. Now, the numbers are pretty big,

So if you're coming down the street, let's say, you know, three, 400 yards away, you can start to read the numbers. Now, for a lot of people, they start to see the 7, 6, 5, 4, and they're like, oh, better slow down. It looks like it's counting down. By the time I get up there, it'll be down to one. Better put on the old breakerunies. Okay, that's for the old ladies and the grandpas.

But what about us young leadfoots? What about us speed demons? What about us people that play a lot of video games and love a challenge? You see that thing counting down. You don't slow down, man. You speed up. You're like, I got to beat those numbers. I got to win a free game.

Five, four, three, two, one. Oh, yeah, it's like you're breaking a speed record, man. You're like, yehah, made it through the light. You're like the Dukes of Hazard, man. You're getting airborne. Three, two, one. Yeeha! Woo!

I don't know. Those things are dangerous. It's like a game. We've made it all this time, all these decades, without the light counting down. Do we really need it? I think what they did is put it in for pedestrians. So the pedestrians had a shot at getting across at a green light.

The side effect is traffic lights have now become living video games. What's next? You get through the light and there's a winner's circle there. A bunch of blondes and bikinis and popping a bottle of champagne, pouring it over again. Oh, congratulations, you made it through the light. Oh, we've never seen it done. You've got right down to the lawn, and you got right through the line. Pop, glog, glog, glog, glog, glog, glog, glog, kiss, kiss. I don't know.

Rethink that one, Department of Streets and Avenues and Highways. They'd be focused on filling some of the potholes on the Harland Highway. Where it ain't a game, it's just insane. Hello? Hello, Arland. This is Sean Kean calling. Hey, Sean. What's up, man?

I think I'm getting the bird flu. This morning, I woke up coughing and chirping. Thank you. Hey, wait a minute. Don't hang out. Who is that guy? It's the Harlan Highway. No, I don't want him in here again.

People don't like him. I don't like him. I know he's your kid. Look, I'm going to be honest with you, Raj. I don't like your son, okay? He's annoying. No, don't send him it. Don't say...

Oh, God. Hello, what's the matter with you? Nothing. I was just talking to your dad. Yeah, I heard what you said. Okay, I didn't mean that, okay? I guess I like you Yeah, whatever

All right, let's just do this, okay? You're going to sing some more Campfire songs for us And your dad thought it would be a fun idea If you came in here and taught us How to sing Campfire songs Yeah, that's right, ass Okay, watch the language

Up yours Just do your first song, let's get this over with Okay, relax, let me get my guitar out Well, get it out, let's go Up yours. Just do it, kid. All right, here's my first campfire song. Oh, I'm too great for me.

Rock and die, rock a die, rock a die, rock a duck a die. Hey! Okay, good. That was kind of like an upbeat, like camp song. Great. Are you done? No, I have another one. Oh, come on, kid.

I've never seen you looking so lovely as you are tonight. You look amazing. What the hell is this? Lady in Red! Hey, this isn't a campfire song. Shut up, up yours. Cheek to cheek.

Cheek to cheek. This is Lady and Red. Knock it off. Up yours. Move on or get out? Okay, relax. Do your last campfire song and get out. I can't fight this feeling anymore.

I'll throw away the or. Oh, no, you don't. You're not doing a Rio speed wagon on my show. Oh, I can't fight this feeling anymore. Roger, get your kid. I get out of here, Timmy. I've never seen you look at so love. Get out.

No lady in red. No Oreo speed wagon. Cheek to cheek. Get out. Unbelievable. Cheek to cheek. Get them off. Harlan Williams

Hello Hello, Harlan, this is Sean Keene calling Uh, okay, what's going on, man? It's my wife's birthday, I bought her a shoulder-length coat Okay, yeah I wanted to buy her a thong, but I don't know the size of the crack of her ass Okay, now you're getting into a sensitive area here, man Yes, do you think my ass looks big?

I said, everybody does. Thank you. What the hell are you talking about? Thank you. Oh, I love Sean Kean. Oh, you can find him on YouTube. He is a character, man. Wow, okay, well, that's our show.

We go out discussing ass crack sizes right on. You know it's a good podcast. when your final bit is about ass crack sizes. That is it for us today. Thank you, thank you, thank you for coming along for the ride, for jumping on the Harland Highway. Don't forget, Christmas is coming up, the Harlem Williams store at Harlem Williams.com,

full of unique, interesting, and fun gifts that will offer whoever gets them the recipients a lot of laughs a lot of amusement so uh might be a good place to go for your christmas shopping we uh ship stuff out to you pronto and you can wrap it and put it under the tree um don't forget uh fudgey wudge face is now available on DVD you can pick that up my uh indie movie that i directed um and all kinds of goofy stuff the cousin cd is there, t-shirts, everything you want for your Christmas needs. Check out the Fudgy Wudgy Fudgeface website, FudgeFilm.com. Check out Harlandhighway.com.

And don't forget, you can listen to the highway on Stitcher. It's an app for your phone. Go to stitcher.com and download it for free. And you can listen to me while people think you're making a phone call. It'll be like we're talking on the phone. Yeah, right. So there you go. That's all I got.

I've been blabbering on here. I hope you had a good time. Loved having you along, as I said. And until next time, my furry little friends, chicken. Chow-Mame, baby. I don't know the size of the crack of her ass. Thank you. Thank you.