The Harland Highway - PODCAST 192

Episode Date: November 17, 2010

Dangerous nature story, airport terminals, celebrity races, hiccup girl, UFO phone call, Strange fire rescue. Sizzle my walnut oil!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Four, three, two, one podcast below us, twisting, falling. No, no, no, no, we're not falling. We're rising, we're rising to the occasion for another wonderful podcast here at the Harland Highway. I'm Harland Williams. Welcome, Earthlings, and aliens alike. Oh, what a show today. We're going to be talking about a very bizarre rescue. that happened. A fire was involved and an overturned car.

Very crazy. We're going to be talking about a girl who hiccups and how her life took a very bizarre turn. We're going to the celebrity racetrack today. We've got some incredible celebrities running down the track.

We're going to be getting into plane, airport plane terminals and the nightmare of waiting for your plane. We've got an incredible nature story about a guy who befriended the oddest of creatures and I don't know that he's going to be alive for long. You'd be the judge. And then we're going to be talking about UFOs. We had a voicemail from a caller who watched a clip from Fudgy Wudgy Fudge Face my film and has some analysis on the UFO that I filmed and it's getting strange. Well, it's always strange,

isn't it? Because you're right here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hi, I'm Jackie Wanna Play. Please go away and leave me alone. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harlan Highway. Man, keep it going. Love the show. You're hilarious.

My blanket. My blue blanket. Give me my blue blanket. Fasten your seat, you're riding down the Harlan Highway. It's the Harland Highway. Have you checked the children? Harlan Williams here on the Harlan Highway, and this next story is not pleasant, I assure you. Oh, my God, this is definitely a lady-or-the-tagger type of story. Here's the scenario, okay?

Guys driving down the road with a couple of buddies, car hits a deer or hits an antelope or something flips cars on fire all right people inside burning to death cars laying on its side the people inside are kind of trapped the fire's getting hotter and hotter people are starting to cook the fire department's 10 minutes away minimum they're not going to make it okay you don't need to be a genius or a fire marshal to figure that out. So, along comes a guy chugging down the road. It is septic tank sucking mobile.

You know, you've seen those big trucks with the big tanks on the back. And they service people who don't run off city water lines. They service people who still have septic tanks. And every few years, people need to get their septic tanks. sucked out, and we know what they suck out. Okay, let's be honest. It's a bunch of raw sewage.

Caca, poo, all that stuff that we don't like to think about. So this guy spent the day sucking septic tanks clean. He's got a load. And as he's puttering down the street, heading home after a long day of work,

he sees a car on fire with people trapped inside. There's no water around. There's nothing to put out the flames. No one can get close to the car to pull out the burning passengers. So our guy, Andy Gump, or Andy Dump, whatever you want to call him, pulls up. This is hard to say. Pulls up, gets the hose from his cackawmobile that starts spraying the burning car. I'm putting out those flames. Oh my God. Here's me inside the burning car.

If I see this guy coming, I'm like, hey, no, I'm okay. It's good. I'm good. You know what? I've lived a nice long life. I'm 25. You know, that's a quarter of a century. I'm good.

You know, I'm in here listening to some radio. It's like flock of seagulls, retro stuff. I'm all right. Let me burn. What? You want to put me out with the raw sewage? No, that's okay. no, I'm good. Honestly, I'm looking forward to, I'm used to it.

I go to a tanning salon all the time. I'm okay with heat. I'll see you on the other side. Yeah, I would just rather burn alive than be sprayed with human manure. Yuck! And not only that, but hot cacab, because you know it's going to cook, it's going to fry, it's going to heat up. it probably smells horrific to begin with imagine it heated up over some nice flames

I'll never barbecue again oh boy what do you do the lady or the tagger one decision's clear take the Harland Highway where it's always nice and clean 103 5 the fox yeah

nothing like having your life and then you're humiliated for the rest of your life. People are like, hey, are you the guy that survived the car fire? Why are you laughing, man? Oh, nothing. What are you laughing at? Nothing stinky. But what's worse than a disaster is a disaster waiting to happen.

And this next story, look, I love nature. I love animals. I love it when human beings are compassionate with animals. They're kind of animals. You know, it's always interesting and fascinating to see a human being interacting with a wild animal, especially a big wild animal that at any moment could kill that person. Well, guess what, folks? A lot of times the big animals do kill people.

I remember the whole born-free thing? Back in the 70s, there was a famous movie about a woman. who took in, adopted some orphaned lion cubs, and she raised them and set one of them free, Elsa the lion, got that thing rehabilitated, you know, got it going back in nature again, and cut to, you know, five years later, this lady gets mauled to death by a lion,

eaten alive by a lion. There's a guy in a holly, Wood Animal Trainer, who wrestled around with a 600-pound grizzly bear named Rocky. You might have seen him in, there was a Will Ferrell movie where Will's in a wrestling ring with a giant grizzly bear. Well, this guy who trained the bear got his head and neck bitten off by his little buddy Rocky. Or how about Zigfried and Roy? Remember those guys, the freaky magicians in Vegas with the giant.

giant white tigers that they love and adored and poured affection on and petted and stuck their heads in their mouths. And then one day one of the tigers just went, okay, kind of offed Roy or Ziegfried or one of them. Aren't they the same guy? I don't know. So anyways, what I'm getting to, this is an interesting story, okay? I'm going to read some of this story to you because it's fascinating, it's interesting,

but it's also, you just know, it's not going to end very well. There's a guy in Costa Rica, some guy named Cheeto, which sounds like a snack you'd eat while watching a football game. Hey, man, where's the Cheetos? They're down in Costa Rica, man. So anyways, this guy, this guy befriended a giant, like, 18-foot crocodile, a wild crocodile, okay? Now, the story goes, he found the crocodile with a gunshot wound on the banks of the Central America's Parisma River like 20 years ago.

The crock had been shot in the left eye by a cattle farmer, was left there to. to die um but chito just that name i mean did you want to be wrestling with a crocodile when you're named after a snack food isn't cheetos like a cheese stick i mean why don't you do what could his parents have named him anything worse say i'll call him bacon sandwich hey bacon sandwich what are you doing oh i'm just playing with my 18-foot crocodile man okay bacon sandwich nice knowing you man. Yeah, okay. So Cheeto got his buddies to help him load this wounded reptile into the boat. And he says, you know, the thing was dying, so he brought him to his house.

He was big, he was skinny, but he was only around 150 pounds. So Cheated started feeding him chicken, fish, and medicine for like half a year, helped him to recover. Chido says he stayed by Pancho, that's the name of, he gave the thing a name. Okay, folks, we're talking about a dinosaur, a lizard, one of the top predators in the food chain that's been around since the days of the dinosaur, okay? These things are survivors. They're killing machines. They're opportunists, right?

So Pancho says he stayed by his side while he was all sleeping next to him at night. I just wanted him to feel that somebody loved him and that not all humans are bad it meant a lot of sacrifice I had to be there every day I love all animals especially ones that have suffered

okay I love that I love it that Cheeto had compassion for this this animal that most people would fear and run away from and probably kill so Cheeto says it took years before Cheeto had bonded with Poncho.

You know, it took five years for him to get close enough to the animal. And he said after a decade, I started to work with him. At first it was slow. I played with him a bit and slowly started doing more. Then I found out that when I called his name, he would come over to me. Here, Poncho, come here, Poncho. It's me, Cheeto. Cheeto, the TV time cheese snack.

I mean, did you get the feeling Poncho's just lining this up? Did you see where I'm going with this story? So at one point during the recovery, Cheeto left the crock in a lake near his house, but as he turned to walk away to his amazement, Poncho got out of the water and began to follow Cheeto home. Cheeto recalls, That convinced me the crocodile could be tame.

Doesn't in that sentence just wrong? That convinced me the crocodile could be tame. That's like saying, I was convinced I could shoot the gun at my own face and the bullet would miss. So finally, you know, Cheeto waddles into the water with the giant crocodile, right? And his family was so horrified

that couldn't bear to watch. and so Chito decided he'd wait until everyone was asleep and he'd go and splash around with the crock in the dark because, you know, it's always safer to splash around in a swamp with an 18-foot alligator, crocodile, when it's dark. Nothing works better than when you can't see it come and cheat. So four years ago, Chito showed some of his tricks to friends, including getting the animal to close his eyes on command.

Gee, there's a big one. That's worth hanging around. Yeah, I've been working 12 years with a man-eating dinosaur, and now after 12 years, I can get him to close his eyes or eye. Apparently one would shot out. Get the feeling maybe the thing's just blinking there, Cheeto? Now he swims and plays. Poncho feeds the guy

I mean it's crazy now they've become a huge tourist attraction and tour operators like cruise their ships by to watch these two play and it's become this big thing they're making money off it and this guy's splashing around

in the water he's kissing this thing he's hugging this thing he's feeding this thing Oh, it's a regular golden retriever. It's a regular lap dog. So what I'm saying is, mark my words, okay? I'm telling you this story today. I'm going to predict it, and I don't want to.

I don't want to be a pessimist. I don't want to be Mr. Negative. But, folks, come on. You know, you're wrestling around, swimming and dancing and playing, tripping the light, fantastic with a key predator, a dinosaur. Isn't it just a matter of time? I'm predicting that this poor guy is gone pretty soon, okay? It's like if they did dancing with the stars in a minefield.

Sure, they'd dance around them for a while, but sooner or later, you know, some half-ass celebrity and their dance partner. blown to smithereens. So Cheeto, God bless you. I hope you and Poncho or whatever the hell his name is live to be a ripe old age. I hope you grow old together and there's no incident. But I'm going to go out on a limb and make a prediction that Cheeto is consumed like a bad snack during Monday night football. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex?

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I mean, I swear I could watch the evolution of man occur during the waiting period in that horrible lobby where there's more people and there are chairs, hello. But what really sucks is when you're waiting to get information about your flight. You want to know when you're boarding and what zone you're in and when to line up and where the kids got to go and people in wheelchairs and blah, blah, blah, blah. So you're all sitting around waiting with bated breath,

and finally the lady comes on and it's your flight. And she's like, attention to passengers of Delta Flight 573. We will be good boarding, Rose. And then all of a sudden, in the middle of her announcement, some guy at the next gate starts doing his announcement. Uh, touch your passengers, this is, uh, the boarding, first boarding call of Continental Flight 793 to Tampa, Florida. This is the flight for Delta. We were on the air first. We're trying, now this is the flight for Florida. Continental, now this is Delta. We were, no, God, now.

It just goes on and they overlap each other. This is like seven announcements going on at once. Oh, at 3.45. Huh? What? Huh? We have now shut the gates. What?

Was that my flight? What? You're all going to die. You're all going to die. What? What was that announcement? We're all going to die? What?

It's chaos, man. I don't know. They need a new system. You don't like what you're hearing? Go sit in the terminal at Air Canada and listen to some French guy announce your flight. How's that? Meanwhile, I'll be right here on the Harlan Highway. Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm Charles Parsley, and welcome to another fabulous afternoon of celebrity racing here at the Hall of, Holland Highway Celebrity Racetrack. Today we have director, actor Clint Eastwood in Gate 1. We have Janine Garofalo, comedian activist in Gate 3. We have Moe from the Three Stooges and also Sean John Puffy P. Diddy in Gate 5. They're getting ready. There they go. There they go.

The gates are open. The gates are up there running down the track. They are charging down the track. Puffy P. Diddy out in the lead. Puffy P. Ditty tearing up. track as he goes down and here comes Janine Garofalo. Janine Garoflo stopping, slowing down. She pulls out a book. She pulls out a book

called Activism for Dummies. She pulls out a book and it seems like she's having trouble understanding topics and really knowing what she's saying. Clint Eastwood has pulled out a camera. He's shooting a film. Clint Eastwood is shooting another film as he flies down the track. He's filming Janine Garoflo looking confused as she reads activism for dummies.

And here comes Mo, Mo, from the Three Stooges, running around in circles, but he's got his bearings. He's coming past Janine Garavlo. He slaps her in the face, Cocoa Bonser, and slides a saw across the top of her head. P. Diddy is slowing down now. P. Diddy stops in front of the audience. It looks like he's posing. He's trying on different sets of sunglasses. He's got a pair of white pants on.

He's got a white shirt. He's turning around. He's modeling. No one really knows what this man really does. He's just standing there and posing. And here comes Clint Eastwood. He's set up a dolly track. He's sliding down the track on his dolly camera.

He's rolling down the track. Janine Garofalo looking confused and befuddled. She's starting to yell topics at the crowd. She's starting to yell political topics, an activist activity. She doesn't know what she's talking about. The crowd is booing her. They're booing her from the Three Stooges. It's kicking her in the buttocks.

He's kicking her and slops. her about the face. Oh, he's just put two fingers up Janine Garoflo's nose and pulled her by the hair into the railing. Oh, Janine Garoflo is down. And P. Diddy is just lost in some kind of modeling trance as he twirls around in his white clothes. It looks like Clint he's put him moe running down the track. It looks like here comes mo. He's running. He's skipping. And it looks like Clint Eastwood slides across the finish line on his dolly track. And Janine Garofalo befuddled and laying in the mud, and P. Diddy actually standing on her back so he doesn't get his white wardrobe dirty in the mud. I'm Charles Parsley. Thank you for joining us at the Holland Highway Celebrity Races.

Hey, Harlan. It's 321 a.m. I couldn't sleep. I went to your website to buy a copy of Fudgy-Wudgy Fudge Pace. and while I was buying it I got interested in the I remember the UFO you talked about so I went over to fudgefilm.com and checked out the UFO footage baffling absolutely baffling I mean it's not like the regular

frisbee or pizza pan hovering that you see in pictures of UFO sightings I mean this looks really interesting really like it could be something I can't the way it comes in from the right side of the screen makes that a 45-degree angle and you get a better look at it as it comes off the left side of the screen

it really looks like it could be something. You should have it to analyze. Analyze further. Anyway, I'm going to, as soon as I get the copy of your movie,

I'm going to watch it. I'll call back for the brief review. And that's it for now. Chicken Chal Main. Yeah, there you go. Thanks for the call on, Fudgy Wudgy Fudge Face.

You know, I talked about it, you know, when I first announced the movie, if you go to the website Fudgefilm.com, you can watch the footage. And it's interesting that this listener is befuddled by the footage because almost everyone who's seen it can't really explain what it is. It's a legitimate piece of footage that I shot. In case you don't remember the story, I was shooting my independent film Fudgy Wudgy Fudge face. I was doing a worm's eye view up into my face, filming up into my face, and over my shoulder, you see this bizarre thing fly across the sky behind me and enter the frame and exit the frame.

and it's just very weird it's kind of hard to explain what it is i have my theories if you go to fudgefilm.com you can view the actual UFO or whatever it is and you can come to your own conclusions but i'm excited to hear that this gentleman thinks it's an oddity it definitely is go check it out fudgefilm dot com and also you can order the film the whole movie Fudgy Wudgy Fudge Face. It's a silly romp through Freakness is how I

would review it. I'm excited that this gentleman's going to review it. I'd love to hear what you folks think of the movie. It's a very unique movie. It's I don't

know. It's just something that took me seven years to film it to put it all together. I did everything by myself so don't be expecting apocalypse now and a polished super 100% polished finished movie it's a little rough around the edges but I kind of wanted it that way and um again I'll let you be the judge but uh even if you don't buy the movie go to fudgefilm dot com and click on the heading that says the UFO and you can uh watch and I'd love to hear your feedback you can call me uh you know the phone number it's uh it's at harlo williams dot com right down at

the bottom there you can uh give me a call and um it it's uh very exciting and speaking of exciting don't forget friends oh i will be in columbus ohio this weekend at the funny bone comedy club I'm going to be there Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night, two shows Friday, two shows Saturday, one show Sunday. I'll actually be selling Fudgy-Wudgy Fudge Face at the show if you want to pick up your copy there. The tickets usually sell out. This is a club I do very well at, so make sure you get your seats. You can go to Harlem Williams.com for all the ticket information. Just click on my comedy schedule.

and don't forget Christmas is coming. Make sure you check out the harlomwilms.com store while you're there. Lots of fun presents and Christmas ideas to make your friends and loved ones laugh. We always want to laugh. And hiccup. Speaking of hicking up, Ng, did you catch this story? There was a story about some kid, okay, who had perpetually, hiccups. This was about three, four years ago, and there was a kid that couldn't stop hiccuping,

just constantly, like literally about every five seconds out of hiccup. And, you know, people thought it was cute, so they put her on all the shows, CNN and the morning shows and the talk shows. She made the rounds. And, you know, it's kind of cute unless you're that kid. Or you have to sit around that kid or be with that kid. Can you imagine out on a date with that chick? So, uh, how is work today, Cindy? Oh, it was good. I did lots of stuff and I really enjoy my job.

Oh, really? What do you do? I'm a speech therapist. What is she a velociraptor? wow so cut to the you know the darling of the day hiccup mcinty i'll call her because i don't know her real name or annoying mcinty and um now cut to today recently um she was involved in a murder what the hell yeah she uh she had two so-called buddies these two big black guys I know this because I saw it on the news

These two big black guys who looked questionable They didn't look like respectable Gentlemen, they looked like thugs You know, they're wearing the hoodies And they had the long hair and the tattoos And you know, they just looked like trouble You know you can spot trouble And I get to thinking

How did Hickup girl? She's this chubby little white girl Who has a baby face How did Hickups McGinty hook up with two kind of tough-looking great big black guys that looked like they might be in a gang? Now, that being said, I don't know what the black guys did or who they are.

They just look rough and tough, okay? And when you hear the rest of the story, they probably are rough and tough. So she somehow, hiccups must have been out at a bar Having some drinks I'll have a Sex on the beach please And give me a buttery nipple

God I'm annoyed just doing this bit Let alone being around hiccups McGinty I'm just annoyed I want to stop this bit because I can't stand Doing any more hiccups But I've got to keep going I got to finish

So was hiccups McGinty out at ladies night or something and, you know, two badass dudes from a gang or something or sitting nearby and they're just shooting the breeze and all of something they hear like, yo, man, you hear that chick over there? What, you mean that white bitch over there? Yeah, man. You hear them, that noise? Yeah, she'd be popping, man.

I'm going to get me some of that. I've always wanted some hiccup and white bitch. I don't know. How do those people come together? Okay, so here's the next beat to the story. Somehow, hiccups McGinty and her two cronies. Okay. End up at a house.

They showed the house on the news. A pretty nice-looking house. So I'm wondering what two kind of guys who look like trouble and a chubby, fat, hiccuping white girl okay, or doing it a nice house in the suburbs. And here's where it gets weirder. The three of them lure a guy, a friend, to the house. They lure the guy to the house.

How do you lure a guy to the house? Hey, I just bought some victorious secrets. You want to come over and check me out? I mean, how do you get sexy when your hiccup? every three seconds. I don't know. So they lure this guy to the house somehow. And once he gets there, she lures him in.

The two big trouble-looking black dudes come out from behind a wall and try to rob the guy. Well, I guess the guy's like a 23-year-old dude. I don't know if he was white or black or Asian. I don't know this part, but he's just a dude. and I guess he's like, screw this, and he puts up a fight, and they shoot him and kill him. So hiccups McGinty is now up for murder. How do you plead, Miss McGinty?

Ah, innocent, uh, your honor. I mean, you know what? It's pretty easy to place someone at the scene of a murder when they've got something as unique as hiccuping. every three seconds could you identify the suspect please let's see not that

one standing there not that one folding her arms nice and quiet not that girl no she looks there she is your honor how can you tell oh just a hunch good lord

Would the Velociraptor please step forward? So I don't know. What a fall from grace. How do you go from Morning Darling where you're on the Today Show with Matt Lauer and yucking it up with Jay Leno and Deborah Norville in the group? You know, you're the darling of the day because you've got the hiccups

and suddenly you're luring human beings to a house in the suburbs and murdering people. Maybe that was how she cured her hiccups. I don't know. Apparently, they're gone now. She's like, look, guys, I've tried everything. I've tried drinking cold water. I've trying being scared. I've tried pills.

I've tried sleeping on my head. I have a hunch that the only thing that's going to cure these damn hiccups is if we lure a young gentleman to this house and murder him. Well, sit, we can help you with that, bitch. Yeah, we can, let's do that. Excellent, thanks, friends. I mean, was this a, was this her defense?

This is the United States of America. I can probably see her using it. Well, Your Honor, I didn't really murder anyone. I was just looking for a cure for my hiccups. So I'm suing you for her. harassment all right i can't stand this bit anymore i got to stop i don't know if i've ever been more annoyed by a bit i mean it's funny i like talking about it's ridiculous but uh if i have to do one more hiccup i'm gonna i'm gonna go to that house and pray that they murder me

all right so that's it let's get out of this good lord hiccups mcinty all right so i i gave you all the info uh don't forget columbus november 1920 21 Columbus funny bone go to harlowe williams dot com for all the info and while you're there leave me a message the phone numbers are at harlewiliams dot com leave a message on my answering machine um check out fudgy wudgey fudge face go check out that UFO go to the store buy some christmas gifts all that stuff And then don't forget, if you want to hear the highway on your cell phone, go to stitcher.com, and you can download a free app, Stitcher, and that will allow you to listen to the Harland Highway wherever you may be, wherever you may go.

So that's it. Thank you so much for being here. Had a blast. Stay away from alligators and crocodiles and hiccuppers. and all that fun stuff. And it was great to have you here. So until next time, as always, my fellow travelers, chicken chalmane, baby. Baffling, absolutely baffling.

I mean, it's not like the regular frisbee or pizza pan hovering that you see in pictures of UFO sightings. I mean, this looks really interesting, really like it could be something. Thank you.