The Harland Highway - PODCAST 193

Episode Date: November 19, 2010

Saying hello's, bumble bee prank, counterfeit money, voice mail, clothes shopping, dangerous sex. Bless my bacteria scabs!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Nights in white satin, never reaching the end, podcasts I've written, never meaning to send, because I love you, yes, I love you, yes, I love you, I do love you. And there are a lot of podcasts I've always sent, but maybe shouldn't have sent. But that's all right, because we're here for another one. I'm Harland Williams, and you're on the Harland Highway. Thank you for joining. What a treat. We're going to be talking about dangerous sex today.

Oh, my God. I'm going to share with you a dangerous sexual moment that happened with me, and I'm hoping you'll reciprocate. We're going to be talking about clothes shopping. and how annoying it can be. We're going to be listening to some voicemail. I'm going to be telling you about a prank I did, dressed in a bee costume.

We're going to be talking about hellos and goodbyes, the simple act of saying hello and goodbye. And also, we're going to be talking about something that you may have done and not even known but past counterfeit money over the table. Right? but this isn't counterfeit. This is the real thing.

This is the Harland Highway. Yeah. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hi, I'm Jackie. Wanna play? Please go away and leave me alone. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway.

Man, keep it going. Love the show. You're hilarious. My blackie and my blue blanket. Give me my blue blanket. Fasten your seat. You're riding down the Harlan Highway. It's the Haarland Highway.

Have you checked the children? Oh, hello, everybody. Hi. How are you? I'm waving to you. Do you see me waving to you? No? That's because this is an audio experience.

Um, uh, but here's the thing. You ever get that, uh, that unpredictability factor going? When you say hi to someone or wave to someone? someone and I mean usually to a stranger right you're walking down the street or you're in your car you're strolling through the mall you're in the park and for whatever reason sometimes you inadvertently or consciously or for whatever reason you end up having a greeting with someone you don't know that you've never met you're just seeing for the first time in your life ever

and it's just random, right? It could be you're driving in your car down a street and someone kind of walks in front of you with their dog and you're like, oh, hi, you know, out the window. Or maybe you're walking your dog and you pass this train. You're like, hey, how's it going? Hi. Or for whatever reason, you're going by the land in a boat.

And for some reason, you always have the knack to wave when you're on a boat or on a train. You're passing by, and there's people on the platform, or there's people on the shore. I don't know why, but you get this urge to wave. Hey, don't know you. Don't never met you in my life, waving, hey. And when you do that, you never know what the outcome's going to be,

and sometimes we're surprised. Like, I remember driving down a road once, and uh you know i'm driving along there's no one else along and i see an older guy like an old man probably like 70 something you know look kind of nice you know you can look at people and kind of gauge how you think they are the guy look kind of nice i guess and he's just walking up the road so i slow down very respectfully so he knows that my big black pickup truck isn't a threat that he can walk on by without getting crushed. And as he's walking, he looks right up at me.

And I'm like, oh, look at the old guy. What a nice fella. So I waved to him. I'm like, hey, nothing. The guy gives me like the look of death. Like just stone cold, like no reaction. My hand's still in the air with the wave, and he just glares at me. looks down and keeps walking and my hand's just hanging in the air as if like if it had a face

and a personality my hand would be like oh uh yeah um oh okay uh yeah uh yeah and then my hand would just embarrassingly come down which it did anyways but the other thing on the other side of the spectrum because we are in a spectrum my friends the other end of the spectrum you get unexpected delight well let's say you're walking down the street and you know a beautiful girl's walking at you or some dude or an old lady and let's face it most people when they're walking just walk with a neutral expression on their face they're not smiling they're not happy they're not sad they're not grinning so you know everyone's kind of plain so you never know

what the result's going to be and yet this is fun when you're walking by someone and you smile you smile at them and maybe it turns into a bigger smile and then there's even like oh hi you know and what's really nice is when you smile at someone and somehow it ignites their smile and all of a sudden they're like oh hi and you just see them go from being very plain and neutral to their face lighting up because a smile lights up a face I'm smiling right now. And you're probably turning off this podcast. But so it's really cool when you can bring that out in someone.

By you smiling, they in turn smile. And then here's the other side of the old cranky old man that I wasted a high, a hello, and a hand wave on. The other day I was walking in the street, and there was a guy standing in front of his taxi cab. He wasn't in it. It was a nice day, so he was standing out, leaning, sitting on, like, the edge of the hood of his taxi with his arms crossed, which right away, arms crossed is kind of that body language thing. It's like, leave me alone. Get away. I'm blocking you, right? And it was an older gentleman, and he was maybe Indian or Pakistani. Danny. He was wearing a white-collared shirt, khaki pants.

But on top of his head, he had a big, like, pink or light-colored turban. And he had a big, long gray beard and very traditional, you know, Indian or Sikh or whatever, the nationality. I didn't ask them. Excuse me, sir, what's your nationality? It's up yours. I think it's international everywhere. Up yours? Okay, thank you, sir. Up yours. but this guy didn't look that friendly right and then all of a sudden in my head too i got the whole culture barrier thing i'm like i'm a pasty white boy this guy's uh this guy's uh you know east indian

or something and then i started thinking about all the crap swirling in the air about uh you know 9-11 and stereotyping muslims and people that are of indian persuasion or Middle Eastern persuasion. It's just inadvertent. I don't know if anyone nowadays can get away from that because we're inundated with it. And it's not to say your prejudice. It's just those things come into your head. And it sucks that they do, but that's the environment. That's the world that we live in. So here's this very tall Indian man, older, doesn't look happy. His face wasn't actually neutral. It was kind of a little bit of a scout. and I got the poor guy's driving a cab and I don't know how good is life when you're driving a cab and you're standing in the street and he's got this long, long gray beard which I think in, you know, in that society is a sign of being distinguished and, you know, it's a, it's a stature thing and the turban is definitely, I don't know if it's ceremonial, but it's traditional.

additional. Again, I think it's, you know, obviously part of the culture and the stature and all that stuff. And for some reason, I locked eyes with the guy. And I was like, I'm not going to let all the BS floating around in the world dissuade me from giving this guy a greeting. I'm a human being. He's a human being. We've obviously made eye contact. What am I just going to look away and ignore him? He doesn't, and regardless of his cultural background even as a human being he didn't look like he was in a particularly good mood he was just standing there kind of so here's what i'm getting at i know this is long-winded but here's here's here's the upside of of human communication and smiling and so i was like what the

hell i got nothing to lose i'm in a good mood let me share it right so i'm walking i get closer to the guy he's standing there and i go hey how's it gone And this guy, in the blink of an eye, went from what I presume to be a scowling, you know, down mood that he was in. He couldn't have pepped up a bit more friendly. He just lit up, his face lit up, his whole body language changed, his face, all the muscles in his face changed. And he's like, hello, how are you today? I was like, doing great. And he goes, that's very good.

and we smiled and that was it and i felt great you know why i felt great because like i said when i first saw him i made all these assumptions i made the assumption that he's an angry guy he's not in a good mood he might be an ass but after that little connection we had i felt really good because i maybe i helped snap him out of whatever frame of mind he was in And maybe he wasn't in a bad frame of mind. Maybe he was standing there daydreaming a slow dancing with his wife and eating caviar. I don't know. But that's what I'm saying about being human, about, you know, not being afraid to reach out each other,

even in a small way, and spread a little joy, a little happiness. Take a chance. Say hi to someone. You know, you'd be amazed. how unstartled people really are. I think it's actually nice, but we live in a society that we're so tight, tightly wound that everyone's afraid to make the first, you know, contact.

They're afraid if they say hi, they're going to get some guy, you open the door, and then the guy doesn't shut up. Hi, hi. So anyways, I'm in town, my wife and I live in Minnesota. We have three daughters, one's going to law school. You know, you're always afraid of that. But if it's just passing and it's a friendly high, a wave, give it a try.

You're always going to get the weird crankster, the guy that's not going to respond. But more often than not, you'll be amazed how much mileage and how good it can make not not only the other person, but you feel with just a cheery, happy, hi, and hello. So hi and hello, welcome to the podcast, the most long-winded way to go. greet you and now I'm getting out of this topic goodbye but hello so you don't go away angry but goodbye oh hello goodbye hello I'm gonna say I'm gonna use hello to say goodbye so you don't think I'm ending on a negative hello now I told you kids not to have sex out on the front lawn now you're gone and got a sprinkler up your butt I sound like

can't kill, don't I? Well, now, Peggy, I'm afraid we've got to get some propane out there. How many of you have had dangerous sex? Like you fell off the bad. Or you crashed through a window. Or you accidentally knocked the car into gear and rolled through a store. Oh, yeah, we've all done it, man. I won't keep it a secret.

I did it right through the middle of a table once. You know, the middle of the table where the two sides come together. Sometimes you get a dining room table and they slide together. Well, be careful if you're doing it right in the middle of the table, where the stress is the highest and the weakest point is right in the middle at the seam. I'm not kidding. I went right through the table, right at the exact moment of you know what. I tell you, man.

Talk about a lot of different things going through your head at the same time. Pleasure, fear, pain, surprise, excitement, shock, awe, terror, embarrassment, laughter. It all comes to you and you're in the middle of lovemaking and you crash right through a table and hit the floor. It's about a four-foot drop, people. I mean, lucky for me, I had someone under me. So she took the brunt, but, you know, What am I supposed to do? That's the way it's done, right?

How about you folks? Anything crazy? Anybody get their butt caught and a ceiling fan? Anyone have their dog jump on them in the middle of it? A cat run up their back? Maybe the pool guy walked by the window and you got caught. You know what? Call me.

I want to hear, if I can tell you about me going through a table, people. And no, it didn't happen at IKEA. Okay? It happened at home If I can be that open with you You can damn well share with me Okay, I want to hear from you I dare you

Don't be shy, you little weasels Tell me about your dangerous Sex stories See if you can outdo my dining room table Adventure there, Indiana Jones Dangerous sex The Harland Highway Oh, oh, whoa

Pchah! Yeah, that's right You know where the phone number is, go to harlemwilliams.com. The phone number's right there. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus,

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anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. At the bottom of the page on the website, let us hear your story. should be fun. Hopefully there's some goodies. Because that's what makes life funny. You never forget those ones, right?

Most of you have probably made love a million times. You probably don't remember most of them. But I guarantee you'll always remember the one where you smashed through a wall or got bitten the ass by a dog or a cop caught you or something. So let us know. We're waiting to hear from you.

you naughty, naughty, naughty, naughty people. Okay, so we all need to buy new clothes from time to time. That can be traumatic. I'm a guy. I'm not great at it. I don't love it. But I wander into these shops, and I'm not as confident about buying clothes as maybe most people

or a lot of women are great at clothing. They understand it. They know about the fit and the form and the color coordinating and the styles, and I'm just like, you know, where's the jeans on the t-shirt place? Right? So I kind of go in there low-key hiding under my hat. I just kind of want to be left alone to figure it out

because I'm too embarrassed to admit to anyone that works there that I don't know what I'm doing. But sure not, if you're in Banana Republic or someplace, which is, by the way, a weird place to buy clothes because I feel like I'm at a fruit market. Yeah, man, I'm here for some bananas, and what I'm here will you fit me for a nice suit, man? So I'm at Banana Republic. I'm wandering around, trying to hide, and all of a sudden, there they are. The perky little store attendant.

Hi, may I help you? No, I'm just looking. Well, let me know if I can help you find anything, okay? I'll be right here. Okay, thanks. Yeah, my name's Janet. You sure I can't help you find anything? No, Janet, I'm going to be okay. Okay, because I'm going to be right here. If you need anything, I'll be here to help you.

Okay, Janet, simmer. Okay, I'll be right here. I'm Janet. Okay, and you kind of move away. Look, I better get out of the pants section, man. That chick's a little, hello. So you move over to where the shirts are, right? You're like, okay, they're hanging up.

I can just browse. I'll just look around at the shirts. And then all of a sudden, hi, I'm Daryl. How are you? Oh, hey, Daryl, how's it going? Hey, can I help you with something? Uh, no, I'm okay. Are you sure?

I mean, we got these great new green shirts here. Why don't you try one on? I can help you. I'll go right into the locker room with you. Help you take your shirt off and help you put this one on. I bet you'd like that. Uh, no, Daryl, I'm okay. Okay, well, you let me know.

I'll be right here, okay? Standing right behind you, you can probably feel my breath on the little ciliated hairs that are sticking out of your. ears i'm darrell okay darrell thanks man i'm gonna go over to the shoe section you want me to come with you i could come too no i don't want either of you so you try to get away you're in the shoe section hi could i help you oh god yeah can you help me just find a spot where no one's gonna be could you find me help find me a nice quiet spot where i won't be bothered by anyone in this store well sure why don't you go down the street to abacrobby finch great see you later and could i

get a dozen bananas to go yam on you just made a wrong turn onto the harland highway i'll just put on my trucker hat keep on rolling can i help you get lost hey hall and this is brandon from new jersey i love the podcast man love it been listening to until for a few months. Just wanted to tell you that sometimes when you introduce a topic, I get really pissed.

And then I listen to you explain it and, you know, kind of makes sense. So, you know, just want to enjoy listening to it. Enjoy your perspective. But come back and

if I ever see you. I'm going to want to talk to. True. See you. All right, so I like to get the laughs, right? That's what this show is about. I like to put a smile on people's faces. Sometimes I go too far.

Yeah, I admit, like, the other day I rented a bumblebee costume at a costume shop, went up on a bridge over the highway, the highway overpass, waited for a big 18-wheeler to come wailing down the turnpike, and time to just write that I jumped off the bridge and splatted right on this guy's windshield. You know, there was me just my face pressed against the glass. I think the costume was buzzing.

I think that little built-in thing was buzzing. I think there was a lot of blood gushing out of my face. This guy screamed his ass off, the truck swerving all over. over the place. I think he took out a few other cars. He jackknife, flipped his truck, all his cargo spilled. I flew off, hit a tree. Just about broke my back. And yeah, that joke hurt. Okay, that one was painful.

But is what I did wrong? No. Yeah, sometimes my joke's hurt. But at the end of the day, we need to laugh. So there you go It's on you, not on me Ha ha ha There

Harlan Williams Defiantly making you laugh Here on the Harland Highway And speaking of giving you the laughs People, oh my goodness This weekend Yes indeed I will be in Columbus, Ohio

At the Funny Bone Comedy Club Friday, November 19th through the 21st, two shows Friday, two shows Saturday. And it's going to be a good time. Get your tickets now. I usually sell out at this venue, so I'm not just saying that. Oh, tickets are sold out. No, it's true.

This is one of my best venues. I always do really well. Pack it in. I don't want you to be disappointed. So you can call the Funny Bone in Columbus, Ohio. You can get all the info at harlandwilliams.com. Just click on my stand-up comedy schedule, and they have all the reservation numbers and showtimes and all that jazz.

So come on out. It's going to be a good old time, and I will be there with my new movie, Fudgy-Wudgy Fudge Face on DVD, selling it after the show. You can come and say hello. Shake hands, say hi. Buy a movie if you want to.

No pressure, but it's there if you want to. It'll be the first time I'll be selling the movie in public. So you will be the first to get your hands on fudgy wudgy fudge face. My indie movie that I wrote and directed. You can go to fudgefilm.com to learn more. And who said this show was about learning? Hell no. This show is about nutty stuff.

But here's something that's not so nutty that maybe is an insult, okay? Tell me if this insults you, okay? You're at the store and you buy something, you pick something up, and you head down to the cash register. And for those of you that still know what money is, I know most of you pull out the old credit card, but any of you who still remember what cash looks like, right? You pull your bills out of your wallet,

all the moths fly off of them and let's say you have a 20 or a 50 or God forbid 100 and you hand it to the cashier and you're thinking groovy you know here's my money you give me my product you give me my change I'm on my way but then all of a sudden you get this

kid who looks like you know they just got out of college and they're working behind the counter at the gap or urban outfitters or at a restaurant or who knows where and next thing you know they're holding your bill up to the light and you're like wait what's going on they hold your they take your 50 or your 20

or your 100 and they hold it up to the light and I'm like, am I missing something? Is there a prayer service about to begin? Oh, oh, Domitum, Ostrom, Dominooms Christi, we have a $50 bill, we have a $100 bill, amen. Why are they holding it up to the light? Well, you know why they're holding it up to the light? Because suddenly me, Joe Schmo, who's in to buy a new t-shirt, is under a criminal investigation.

They're holding it up to the light to see if it's counterfeit. I'm like, yeah, lady, I'm walking. walking around with counterfeit bills. I work hard every day, every week. I pay my taxes. I try to do the right thing. You know, I cash my measly paycheck. I pay my mortgage on my house.

I put gas in my car. And how do I do it? Well, I'm in my basement with my Xerox machine. Making fake money. Yeah, that's right. You got me. That's a fake hundred. damn i wish i hadn't run out of ink in my photocopier if only i had bought some more toner that bill would

look more real from my al capone all of a sudden i'm just trying to buy a lousy t-shirt at urban outfitters what the hell am i going to jail and then if that's not bad enough they hold your money up in front of the rest of the lines all mumbling they're looking at it like what the hell We get some kind of convicted, some kind of felon upon. What the hell is that guy? Somebody called 911. Everyone's mumbling. They think you're a criminal.

You're kind of hiding under your hat. Jesus Christ, what the hell is this? I make a hundred grand a year. What the hell? I'm holding up my money. And then you think you're out of the woods, and then that's not enough. They have a special pen.

some of a special pen like it looks like a highlighter and they they streak it across your money and then hold it up again well we couldn't tell when we held it up to the light but you might be really good at counterfeiting so we're going to do the old highlighter test oh boy more humiliation and then when that doesn't work some of them

I'm not even kidding have like a purple like a CSI DNA light It looks like one of those bug lights You hang out in your yard What are you doing checking for more counterfeit No sir we're making sure there's no mosquitoes or blackflies on your money Whoops we just got a moth It's crazy man

Now look I get it counterfeit money can sneak into the system filter into the system someone could have handed it to you. I mean, there's paper money moving around all the time. Okay, it is quite possible. In fact, I would say it's quite probable that each and every one of us is probably transferred counterfeit money at one point in our lives unknowingly. So what happens when that day comes when Vashal, working at the gap, hold your 50 up to the light and turns out, You know, somehow it filtered into your wallet from Luigi back in New Jersey. Warning, warning, counterfeiter in the store.

All these steel gates come sliding down. Alarms are flashing. Security guards pop out with their guns drawn. And you're like, what the hell is this? I just came from the ATM machine, man. I was just hoping to do a little weekend shopping. You end up over at Fulton Prison or you're out there on, what's that one out in the middle of the Alcatraz there?

Suddenly you're locked up in Alcatraz because you tried to buy a shirt at the Banana Republic. Hi, my name's Darrell. Can I get you a lawyer? Oh, not you again. I'm here too. It's me, Diane. Oh, Christ! so there you go hey be careful with your money maybe it's best just stick to a credit card who

knows next thing you know they'll be holding those up to the light oh lord what a world well speaking of holding things up to the light it looks like we might have to hold the end of the show up to the light because we are at the end of the show and then this is a real show, not a counterfeit show, okay, just so you know. So I hope you had a good time here today. Don't forget, check out HarlemWilliams.com for all your Christmas needs. We have a great store there with my book. The things you don't know you don't know.

We have Rocket Man DVDs on sale. We have my comedy special. We have comedy CDs. We have T-shirts. We have kids books. We have music CDs, we have unusual one-of-a-kind art objects that I've done. All kinds of cool stuff, man, and a lot of it comes autographed, and a lot of it's one-of-a-kind merchandise that, you know, you buy it and nobody else owns it.

That's why I like having a store, because I like to have one-of-a-kind items that are unique, that in turn make you unique. And I like offering that to people. I don't like all the brand name stuff that we all consume in the world. I like it when you're the one and only owner of a certain piece of art or an object that you like. So anyway, it's just an idea, you know, check it out. Christmas will be here before you know it. We mail it out to you pronto, and you can wrap it yourself because I ain't very good at that.

Don't forget, you can listen to the Harland Highway at Stitcher. It's a free app. You can download it on your phone. Go to stitcher.com to find out all about it or check out your app store on your iPhone or whatever phone you use. Dial up Stitcher, Stitcher Radio. And come see me at the Funny Bone this weekend in Columbus, Ohio. And that's our show. Hope you had a great time.

I know I did keep your calls and your letters coming right here to the Harland Highway. And until next time, chicken chowmaine, baby! Sometimes, when you introduce a topic, I get really pissed.