The Harland Highway - PODCAST 194

Episode Date: November 22, 2010

A lecture from a comedian, listener voice mail where sex injury's are revealed, and then, there's trouble brewing on the Harland Highway, the future of the show hangs in the balance. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's a beautiful day for a podcast, a beautiful day for a podcast. Won't you be mine? Won't you be mine? Please, won't you be my podcast neighbor? Oh, how about that? It's Mr. Harland Highway's neighborhood. Welcome everybody to the Harland Highway. I am your host, your chauffeur, your moderator, whatever you want.

me to be here on the podcast and couldn't be happier to have you here today. We're going to be getting into all kinds of stuff today. We're getting a whole bunch of voicemails. Remember a few episodes back, I asked you to call in with some of your sex injuries. You know, some of the places where you were having sex and it all went wrong and you got caught or you smashed through a table or an elephant stood on your back? I don't know. Well, we have a whole bunch of your voicemails today.

And you won't believe some of the things people have done or where they got caught or where they got hurt having sex. And it's just all, I'm not even to get into the rest of the show. I'm just in a good mood. We're going to have fun. Glad you're here. You know where you are, right? You're on the Harland Highway.

Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hi, I'm Jackie want to play. Please go away and leave me alone. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Man, keep it going. Love the show. You're all over there.

My blanche and my blue blanket. Give me my blue blanket. Fasten your seat. You're riding down the Harlan Highway. It's the Holland Highway. Have you checked the children? What a show, what a show, what a crazy, crazy podcast of the show. God, I'm in a good mood.

I don't know why. I'm just feeling light on my feet. I've got an airiness about me. I'm feeling, I don't know, I'm just feeling chipper. And you ever get that feeling where you just, it feels like somehow you've got a load off your back or a monkey off your back or a piano off your back and you just, you've got a little bounce in your step and you just feel good. You can't really put your finger on it, but life is just vibrant and alive and every moment captures your essence. And we are going to have a great show today because of it. I can tell you, I am really fit...

Arland. Excuse me? Holland. Oh, God. Holland. What are you doing here? Holland. Ascot, what are you doing here, Dr. Ascot?

Holland, I think you know why I'm here, Holland. No, I don't know why you're here. Why are you here? Holland. You're supposed to be here on Fridays, not today, not Monday. Arland, Friday's come and gone, Arland. Yeah, good, so? So where were you on Friday, Arland? What do you mean, where was I on Friday?

Holland. You skipped our therapy session, Arland. I didn't. No, I didn't. I was there. Holland. What? Are you lying to me, Arland? Look.

I got a flat tire Arland I I was at the doctor Holland I'm a trained professional I can tell by your body language Holland that you're lying

Okay You know what ass got fine You got me Ohland No you got me okay I've had enough Of your stupid therapy. Okay, last week

the week before was the one that dropped the needle on the record. What does that mean, Arland? I don't know. I'm just all fired up. Did you think you were a DJ for a minute, Arland? No. No. Then why did you say drop the needle

on the record, Arland? I don't look. You just drive me crazy and a few weeks ago it was my birthday and you had me jumping around in here in an adult diaper talking to me about crapping my nappy. And did you crap your nappy, Allent? Stop it, see?

So I've had enough. Holland. No, no, no, no more Allend or whatever you call me. Allend. See, you're always saying my name. Where were you, Holland? I skipped out, okay? Alland, that's against the rules, Alland.

Yeah, I know it's against the rules. What are you going to do? Fire me? What's that? Holland, I think you know what it is. The hell is that? Holland, what color is this slip in my hand? Um, it's pink?

Correct, Holland. And do you know what a pink slip means, Yes, and can you stop crinkling it, please? I said, stop crinkling it. Stop crinkling it! Arland, you know that you are required by the people who run your podcast. You are required. It is a mandate. that you have therapy sessions every Friday with me, Arland.

I know, I've been doing them. And you also knew, contractually, Allend, that if you missed one, you would get a pink slip, and you would be let go. Are you telling me you're firing me from my own podcast? Stop crinkling the pink slip. Stop it! Are you telling me I'm being fired?

Arland, I can't fire you, but I am handing you a pink slip. And you are going to have to talk to Mr. Featherstone. What do you mean I got to talk to Featherstone? Holland, he pays the bills, he runs the podcast. So you're saying I got to go up and talk to Mr. Featherstone and fight for my own job? Correct, Arlen. Oh, great.

You turned me in, Ascot. Yes, Arland, I did. Why would you do that? Because I'm a professional, Arland. You can't run away from your problems. I'm not running away from my problems. Running away from you, you freak. Holland, that's all I can do for you, Holland.

Here's your pink slip. Good luck with Mr. Feather's. Stone, Alland. Wait, where are you going? Good luck, Alland. It's been nice knowing you. Don't say that. Where are you going?

Come back here. Goodbye, Alland. Come back. Wait. Ascot? Professor Ascott? I don't want to go see Mr. Okay, folks.

Well, I'm going to... I guess I'll play some... bits that I recorded earlier and then I got to go see the boss and Ascot probably getting me fired so these may be the last bits and I guess I'll check back with you in a bit stupid pink slip son of a bitch Ascot hey oh hey oh it's Harlan Williams here and let me tell you about an interesting experience that happened to me last night and I hope I don't come off sounding too preachy, but I got to relate it to you because you're my peeps.

I was doing a stand-up show last night, right down in Hollywood, right on the sunset strip. I'm doing some stand-up comedy, and you know I like to talk to the crowd when I do my show. And I asked some young, good-looking kid in the front row. I said, dude, what do you do for a living? And he goes, I'm in billing. And I go, what are you mean? He goes, you know, I take care of billing. And I'm like, all right, I don't really know what you mean.

but I said, do you like it? And he goes, no. And I'm like, oh, well, why are you doing it? He's like, I don't know. And I said, well, what do you like doing? And he's like, I don't know. And I don't know why. I went out of comedy mode, and I felt for this kid.

And I just, like, cut from the comedy. And I started talking to this kid from the stage. And this is where I wonder. if I got too preachy or not, you'd be the judge. I just started kind of talking to him about life. I was like, dude, if you don't like what you're doing, why are you doing it? He's like, I don't know. I'm like, you know, you only live once, right?

You know what goes by really quick? Like, you're young right now and it seems like everything's okay. And life will last forever. But it doesn't. The older you get, the faster time seems to go. which is something that surprised me. But anyways, I got really impassioned with this kid, and I was very serious, and I said, kid, don't waste your time.

Find something you're passionate about and do it. Do that with your life. Don't just put in time. Don't just fill in. Be happy, man. And I couldn't tell if the kid thought if I was kind of just being a comedian. median and joking or whether he got anything from that and the crowd kind of realized i was being real because they all went quiet on me which you never want at a packed comedy club but i didn't

care i was feeling for this kid and uh i think the crowd sensed that i was being sincere and they kind of just quieted down while i kind of talked to this kid for a little bit probably the last thing he expected at a packed comedy club in Hollywood. So, I don't know. Part of me thinks I was being lecturers and part of me was like, maybe I planted a seed in that kid and maybe he'll do something, something that he wants to do. And I guess the underlying message is to all of you listening, I hope you're doing something that you're passionate about. I hope you're not just putting in time spinning the wheels waiting to retire

what you're going to have all your fun when you're 70 ooh how many bones you're going to break doing that we're here and we're now people grab on to life and take it for all it's worth

man take it for a ride my motto is live life don't let life live you and that's the end of my lecture I hope you got something out of it I know I did. Right here on the Harland Highway. What a fun topic I have for you here.

You know, last week I told, I got all personal on your asses, and I told a dangerous sex story. Yeah, I conveyed the story of the time I had sex on a dining room table, and right at the moment, that magical moment, We smashed right through the middle of it, right to the floor, right during the magical moment. So I put out the call, and I asked you people to call my message machine with some of your stories about reckless and dangerous sex moments

and listen to some of the calls we got. Yeah, you said dangerous sex. How about 115 feet underwater, limited air supply? Had a total downtime with five minutes, but we had to be compressed. All right. Was it just me, or did it sound like that guy was in a decompression chamber still while he was talking to me? A 115 feet underwater, five minutes worth of air, and they were down there having sex, 20,000 leagues beneath the sea. And it took them 10. Dude, that is life-threatening sex, there, Jacques Cousteau.

I hope she was good. Maybe next time, just spring for a waterbed or something, all right? Who else we got here? Hey, Harlan. I have a funny sex story. Me and my ex-husband were going at it. One day we thought our 18-month-old son was sleeping, and all of a sudden I look up, and he's on the back of his dad,

riding him like he's a horse. It's kind of ruined the whole moment. Bye. Hey, oh, Silver Way! What do you mean? Ruin the moment for you? What about your kid, man? Your son's going to be demented for the rest of his life.

What's going to happen to your kid when he watches a western movie? Or, you know, he goes to the fair and sees the horses. Or the Santa Claus parade and the horses come down. Or a police horse. You've given this kid Barnyard, sex. dementia for the rest of his life. Either that or go buy him a little cowboy outfit, so next time he climbs on board, he can, you know, do some cowboy yells. Yeh!

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Go, mommy! Go daddy! All right, who else we got here? This is getting good. Okay. I had this woman, and she was, you know, using her hand, and it was going really good. really nice. And when that time of erupting came, I gave myself a warship. I was like, okay, interesting. It's all over my glasses. That's the most embarrassing story I have, and my name is Bain. Okay, three things come to mind here, buddy. First of all, cut down on the protein bars, okay?

something's a little too strong. B, that must have been one of the most interesting trips to lens crafters I've ever seen. I wouldn't want to be the guy working there. And C, I love it how you tell us it's the most embarrassing story of your life, and then at the end, you give us your name. That's the most embarrassing story I have, and my name is Bain. Okay, Bain. make sure we don't tell anyone

who you are because we wouldn't want your embarrassing story to get out and everyone know it was you. Oh, well, you're a good sport. Keep on looking at life through rose-colored glasses, or whatever color you're looking at life

through your glasses. Uh, hello? Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. All will be packaged and sent discreetly. for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and

free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Hello, Mr. Featherstone.

Come on in, kid. Oh, hi, sir. I didn't see you sitting over there on the corner. Come on in, kid. Come on in, sit out, sit down. Thank you. Thank you, sir. Come on, just sit down right there.

Okay, thank you. Hello, Mr. Featherstone, sir. Hello, kid. Holland, is it? Harland? Holland? Like the country, Holland? No.

Harland. Land. What land? Harland. Harland. Harland. Harland. Harland.

Yeah, yeah. That's good enough. All right, so I hear we got a bit of trouble with you downstairs. Well, I wouldn't call it trouble. Well, what would you call it when I've got a psychiatrist on payroll here, okay? And he's supposed to see you every Friday to make sure that you don't say anything stupid, okay? Are you listening to me? Yes, yes, I am.

Okay. So he's making sure you don't say anything. anything stupid that you're not cuckoo you're not cuckoo are you kid no i'm not i'm not cuckoo okay well you look you look a bit i look a bit what i don't know anyhow where you're from kid well now yeah where were you born kid where you're from but you look like you're from uh you're from chicago or something no i'm Canadian Canadian oh canada Canada Canada Yeah, that's what I said Um

Look sir, I'm sorry about You ever fought on an Eskimo Excuse me You ever fought on an Eskimo You're Canadian, right? No, sir, I've never You ever fought on a dragonfly Don't you have a lot of dragonflies

Up there in Canada? Well, I get, I don't know, I guess there's... What do you mean, you don't know? Yeah, they've got a lot of dragonflies flying around Oh, you don't? Well, okay, I guess we do, sir. Oh, that's what I'm asking. You have a fart on a dragonfly.

How did... Well, how does one fart on a dragonfly, sir? Well, I don't know. They fly by, you sit on a lily pad and fart on it. I don't know. You tell me, you're the one that's supposed to... You're from... You're in Canada.

Canada, sir. Look, you look like a good kid. Well, I thank you. Look, I got this guy. I got this, uh, Professor Ascot. Dr. Ascott. I got this guy. Look, I don't know how much I like him, okay?

Do you like them? Can I be honest here, sir? Well, I wish you would. Okay, I hate his guts. Okay, that's honest. That's honest. I like that. But here's my dilemma, okay?

I'm running the show here. I'm signing the checkbooks. Okay? Oh, this is a podcast, sir. I don't get paid. You're going to get snoddy with me now? You're going to get snappy? Is that what's going on here?

No, sir, no. No, sir. Okay, I didn't think so. So I got a whole bunch of people relying on me to pay their bills, okay? And you, from what I've heard, I didn't personally hire you, But the people that said you got some talent. Okay. Said that you're a bit of a loose cannon.

Your little, like, you fly by the seat of your pants. Are you gay? No, I'm not gay. Well, it sounds like me. Everyone's saying you're a little loose. Do you like the boys? No, I don't like the boys. I have a little bit of a quirky sensibility.

Quirky. Is that what they're calling it now? You and the guys go out? night, you're quirky together? No. Sir, what, can we just... Am I fired or what? Well, you're going to be if you keep getting snoppy with me.

Jesus Christ, kid, you know, you come up here from Canadian. Canada. And you get... Don't get snappy with me. Okay, I'm paying the bills. Sir, it's a free... Oh, okay. Listen, let me lay it on the line here for you.

Holland. Okay? As far as I'm concerned, you're not that funny, okay? Well, have you listened to the show? I don't have time to listen to the show. I'm running a studio here, okay? Okay, relax, sir. Don't tell me what to do.

Now, from what I know, you're not that funny, okay? I don't get it. Why don't you say, when you think you're funny, tell me something funny. What do you mean? Well, you're the funny guy. We're paying you to be funny. Let me hear you say something funny. I'm not going to say something funny right on the spot here.

Well, that's not very funny. Was that supposed to be funny? Huh? No, that wasn't supposed to be. Sir, you're putting me in an awkward position. So you've been in a lot of awkward position with your guys. What does that even mean? You know what I mean, the guys you were talking about earlier?

I'm not gay, sir. Well, listen, I got to cover my ass here, okay? I'm not making any money. You're a liability. Look, are you firing me or what? Tell me one good reason why I shouldn't fire you, okay? Look, I missed a therapy session, okay? I missed a therapy session that Dr. Ascot's very annoying.

He makes me do things that are very questionable. Like what? What did he make you do? I hear he's a consummate person. professional he's got a couple of degrees what did he make you do i'd rather not say you tell me what he's made you do or you're gonna be fine you're walking out that door he made me wear an adult diaper and got me to crap my nappies ha ha ha oh jesus christ now that's funny okay you do some he made you do what he made me crap

Crap you what? My nappy. Sir, are you all right? Even if you grab your nappy, that's hilarious. I'm only like to get you to fought on a dragonfly. Sir, shut up, I'm laughing. So what are we going to do here? I don't know, sir. I'm just having trouble.

I think I've been here long enough that I don't have to prove myself anymore. I'm not going to be trouble. I'm not a liability. Oh, that's good for you. Hold on. I got a call coming in. I got to... Go wait in the hall.

What do you mean, wait in the hall? Can you hear my phone ringing? What is this? High school? Get out in the hall. Go fought on a bumblebee or something, okay? What's with the farting thing? Get out in the hug, go fart on the cleaning lady.

I'll have you back in here in a few minutes. What the heck? Get out of here! Hey, hey, hey, you're rolling down the Harland Highway with me, Harlan Williams. I talked about how I crashed right through a dining room table once and hit the floor hard. And I've asked some of you to call in and tell me your dangerous sex stories. Hey, I don't think I could top the falling through the table, but I did get caught. I was out fishing and having sex on a picnic table and state patrol locked up on me and caught me.

Just thought I'd let you know. Later. Hey, well, thanks for letting us know, man. I'll make sure to disinfect the next time I go for a picnic. I mean, you're lucky Yogi Bear didn't walk up on you with boo-boo. Hey, Yogi Bear here. Gosh, Yogi, what position is that? I don't know, but it looks like old faithful to me. Hey, gosh, yogi.

Who else we got here? It wasn't me, but a friend of mine happened to be in the act, and her head got caught in the ceiling fan above her boyfriend's bed. Needless to say, she bounced off the ceiling fan a few times with her head. I thought that was pretty funny, yeah. Wow, man. Sealing fan injuries while having sex. I mean, they were either up in a bunk bed or they were doing a Cirque de Soleil style, man.

How do you hate your head in the ceiling fan? Unless this chick's like nine feet tall. But the main thing is, it's good to know that it wasn't this girl. It was her friend, right? It wasn't me, but a friend of mine. Okay, well, I'm glad your friend, wink, wink, is okay. Maybe you could send us a picture of your forehead, just so, we can inspect it for ceiling fan blade scars.

Next message. Hey, my name is Jerry Seymour. I work at Target. I had a girl come in with me for an interview. We ended up in the closet, and, well, she didn't get the job. The boss walked in. Now, I'm not talking to them more, bye. I work at Target, he says.

Yeah. Wow, in the closet, doing an interview, and the boss walks in. I like the way he kind of revealed the whole story and then decided at the end he ain't going to talk no more. No, I'm not talking no more, but. It's too late, dude. You gave us the story. You gave us your name. I mean, what else happened?

Did the boss join in? You're making it sound like there's more to this. Next message. Hey, Harlan, I was caught in between the seats and had to have the fire department pulling me out. doing it in the back seat setting with my body in between the front seats of a Volkswagen bag.

All windows fogged and everything and I'd have the fire department getting me out. Tell me if you can top that one. I was 17 years old and the woman I was doing with 35. You tell me what's wrong with that program. Okay, I will.

You're doing a 35. year old woman in a Volkswagen Beetle, I don't know how much class that woman has, dude. Might have been nice if you're doing it in a Lincoln Town car, but any mature woman that would do it in a Volkswagen Beetle, I got to wonder where the hell you picked her up. That's what's wrong with your program there, buddy, but you keep on playing your harmonica. Keep the stories coming. your darkest sex secrets here on the Harland Highway You tell me what's wrong with that program

All right, so this is where we stand, kid. That was my lawyer on the phone, okay? Remember what I sent you out of the room? Yeah, you sent me out to the hallway? Yeah, that's right. You wouldn't listen at the door, were you? No, I wasn't listening at the door. Okay, well, let me cut to the chase here, okay?

That was my lawyers. That was the legal department. The Holland Highway Legal Department. Okay, you hear me? Yes, I hear you. They say, you're a loose cannon, and all it takes is one screw up from you, one slip of the tongue.

Okay, you know what slip of the tongue is? Yes, I do. I bet you do with all your funny boys on Thursday nights. What does that even mean, sir? You know what I mean. Well, now listen. Here's how it's going to play out. I can't afford any mistakes, okay?

If I lose money, you lose money. Well, I'm not getting paid, sir. It's a podcast. Oh, so now you're going to start getting snappy? Who do you think you are, William Shakespeare? I don't know what that means. Oh, I'll fancy with the words. Suddenly you think you're William Shakespeare, huh?

What do you mean? I'm just, I didn't say anything. Oh, where are, oh, Romeo, how do you think I can't play in game? Huh? Sir, I'm not playing games here. I bet you save your games for Thursday nights. What does Thursday nights mean, sir? Yeah.

Well, yeah, what's that mean? Yeah. Look, sir, what are you getting at? Here's the deal. You're going to continue to see Dr. Ascot, okay? every Friday just the way we ever planned or you're getting a pink slip

now you're lucky I don't send you walking right now look sir don't look sir me okay I've been pacing with you I've nothing with bad things I don't even think you're funny okay you're sitting here looking at me

you look like a lost calf a lost you heard me lost calf, a baby cow. Okay, sir, don't serve me, okay? So you're going to go see Ascot until we say it's okay.

When the legal department says you're in the clear, then you're in the clear. Not a moment before you got me, Holland. Harland. Yeah, whatever. So I got to keep seeing the guy, Dr.

Ascott. Yes, you do. You miss one more. and it's over. No more paycheck, no more podcast. Sir, I don't get paid. It's a... Hey! Hey, William Shakespeare. Hello? I got Othello on line four for you, okay? What does that even mean? Look. Look, kid.

I'm about this close to making you go fart on an Eskimo. You got me? Don't start with the fart thing again. So I want you to get back down. to your cubicle or wherever the hell you do this thing. I have a studio, sir. Get back to your studio. Get back to your podcast. And every Friday, you're sitting down with Dr. Ascot

and doing your damn therapy. Because you're a loose cannon and I don't want any lawsuits. Can't afford them. Don't want them. Is that understood, Holland? Yes, it's understood. Good. Now I got one more question for you, and then you're out of here, okay?

Well, it better not be a farting question. It's not a... Look, a few weeks ago, my security team cuts up on the hidden camera. What do you mean the hidden camera? I have a hidden camera here in the office for security. Okay, what's that got to do with me? Well, it looks like somebody broke in here a couple of weeks back, a month or so ago. Okay.

And they broke in here after hours with the cleaning lady. Okay, does the name Rosa Louisa ring a bell with you? Uh, uh... Rosa, Louisa, the cleaning lady? Uh, I'm not sure I... I know who that is, sir. Oh, you don't know who she is. She's only the cleaning lady here.

I don't know that I've met her, sir. Well, whatever. Somebody broke in here and had passions. with Rosa Louisa right on my desk here. Uh, passion, sir? You know what I mean? Well, maybe you don't know what I mean, huh? You're probably always with the funny boys.

Uh, uh, and on top of that, they took a wife of my picture, Zelda. Do you see that picture of my wife Zelda over there hanging on the wall? Yes, sir. Wonderful lady. And you see my kids? Yes, sir, wonderful kids. Well, somebody took a,

picture of my wife sell them my kids and put it beside the table well they had pleasures with Rosa Louisa are you telling me somebody had sex on your big wooden desk with the cleaning lady Rosa Louise that's what I'm saying turn around what do you mean I want to see the back of your head what sir what I want to see the back you turn it that's it turn around I don't know. Your head looks a lot like the one on the video. It was kind of dark. We had trouble seeing who it was, but...

Okay, sir, great. Well, listen, a message you received crystal clear. Every Friday, Dr. Ascott. I got it. I won't miss another session, sir. Okay, so we're good. Yes, sir. We are good.

Can I go? I want to show you this tape of Rose Louisa and this guy. Someone was in the bit... No, I'm good, sir. to get back to work. I'm telling you this guy on sexual pleasures all my desk all over my desk. Sir, I don't need to see it. I have nothing to do with it. I'm going to get back to my podcast. All right. Well, I'm glad we had this talk, huh? Yes, yes, sir. Absolutely.

All right, now get out there and go fart on the water fountain or something. Sir, are you okay? Get out of here. Go on, get out of you. Stop looking at the picture of my wife, Zelda. Get out of here. Wow. Okay. I got out of that.

Can't believe he sprung the Rosa Louisa. There's a tape of that? Good Lord. Well, listen, I'm sorry you folks had to sit through that. That was humiliating. I get reamed out by my boss in front of all of you. And worst of all, I got to keep seeing Dr. Ascot, or this podcast is done. So I guess I apologize on many levels.

A, you had to sit through that. B, you have to endure more Mr. Ascot. I mean, maybe if I got some voicemails from you people, you know, you could maybe tell me if you want to hear more of them or less of them, or you can see why I should be going to them? I don't know. I need some backup here. Call me.

3-2-3-215-14-86. 3-2-3-215-14-86. Help me out. Oh. And you know what? This was heavy. I'm glad it's the end of the podcast. I mean, normally I'm never glad.

It seems like we never have enough time, but I am burn. That was, that was, that was taxing. So hopefully everything's back to normal. There's no more ripples. There's no more weird energy. It's just the Harland Highway, okay? Everything's good.

All right. So there you go. That's today's show. Until next time. As always, for as long as I can get away with it. Chicken chow main, baby. You tell me what's wrong with that program.