The Harland Highway - PODCAST 196

Episode Date: November 26, 2010

Voice mail, a twisted police report, dirty cell phones, smelly smokers, the car wash, and lastly Dr. Ascot. Bundles of burnt bongo drums!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Can't you see me standing here? You know I got my back against the record machine. Oh, go ahead and podcast. Podcast. Yeah. Oh, wow. I should jump after that horrible rendition. Um, but don't jump away too quick.

Come on, give this podcast a chance, won't you? Um, we got some good stuff to talk about, man. And we're going to be, we have a very unique, strange police report coming in on this show. We're going to be talking about how dirty your cell phone is. Do you know that there's more bacteria on your cell phone than just about anywhere else? Dr. Ascot's here today. It's my first visit back with him since I almost got fired the last time. We're going to be talking about smokers.

Are you a stinky, smelly smoker? You might be. You probably are if you smoke. We got some voicemails happening here, some wacky wild voicemails. And then we're going to be talking about kind of a mundane thing that we all do that kind of puts us into a trance.

You'll be surprised to hear what it is, but it's something we all kind of do. Kind of an everyday thing, but I hope this podcast doesn't put you into a chance because it's the Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway Hi, I'm Jackie want to play

Please go away and leave me alone You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway Man, keep it going Love the show, you're hilarious My Blanket and my blue blanket You're riding down The Harlan Highway

It's the Harland Highway Have you checked the children Hey Harlan, how's it going? It's John from Seattle. Hey, dude, I want to give big props Because you got me hooked on a movie I actually didn't know about I happen to watch a lot of Gene Wilder movies

And it's actually you that actually put this little bit Well, fit now at the beginning of her podcast Before it used to be in the end And the soundtrack used to be My Blanket, My Blanket, My Blue Blanket Well, I've been looking around the internet trying to figure out where this little sound clip of Gene Wilders came from. And it came from his second movie he'd actually ever did, called The Producers. And I never knew that he was actually in that.

So big props to you, dude, for getting me hooked on that. I've been watching the movie. It's a great movie. I think everybody else should definitely watch that movie, including all Harlan's movies, of course. So big props here, buddy. Keep it real. Keep it alive. Keep the comedy, keep going.

And until next time, chicken chalameen. Well, there you go. See, helping you learn, helping you discover. Yeah, for those of you that don't know Gene Wilder, he was like kind of a major comedy star in the, you know, late 60s, 70s, 80s, maybe even the early 90s, not so much. Probably started tailing off around then, but. you might remember him from blazing saddles and uh you know he did a whole stir crazy whole bunch

of great movies the woman in red but one of the things he was great at was getting he had this this knack for just being kind of this kind of simple looking normal guy and all of a sudden he'd start throwing fits and his blood pressure would go up and he'd be like no no no what do you You know, like one of these guys, hilarious. So, yeah, if you get a chance, check them out. Thank you for that call. And thank you for endorsing my movies, by the way. God bless you, a little angel.

But speaking of watching movies and watching things in general, are you like me? Do you like to watch your car or truck go through the car wash? Am I the only guy or girl that love that? Well, I'm not a girl, am I? Yes, you are. Oh, I am? Yes.

Okay, well, if you're like me, a guy or a girl, do you like to go to the car wash, A, and B, are you one of these people that like to stand in the observation hallway and just watch your little baby go through? It's almost like watching your kid go up and get their diploma at graduation, isn't it? you stand there and your your vehicle comes around the bend and here's these men that start spray washing it and prepping it they put some soap on it and they wipe off the grill and they get the high pressure washer and spray the tires and then all of a sudden the car truck just takes off by itself and it starts rolling slowly methodically

through the automated car wash and you're standing there like a proud parent who's bathing their child in a bathtub and you watch your little baby roll through and you're kind of mesmerized right you're kind of fascinated by the mechanics of it all all the moving parts and the spraying soap and the foam and in your head you're like

oh look at the neon foam look at the soap on over my little baby oh baby you're so dirty you're so dirty you're gonna get all clean and look pretty little baby right it's weird you have this weird thing where you just kind of stand there I mean when you go get your car from a parking lot or the valet guy drive you know oh there's my baby no you just go there's my car my big chunk of metal with rubber wheels something about that

car wash man you stand there and then you know the water starts spraying down and you're like oh I hope my baby's okay look at the water it's so my oh I hope it's not too hot you okay baby but your baby can't hear you because it's through that

bulletproof glass and the steam and the sprays all around and then it comes up to that giant hanging mop it looks like an octopus like a giant octopus hanging from the ceiling and it's like it's pulsing back and forth and these big long watery tentacles slide across your vehicle i don't know maybe it's just me maybe i'm i'm mesmerized easily i just get kind of into a trance watching it i'm just like oh oh

car car moving o octopus thing oh right it's just weird and then it goes through the octopus things and they slowly drape across your car and you're watching your car get shinier and shinier and weather and then all of a sudden it gets through all that stuff and then it comes to those hot air blowers it's like a giant hair dryer right i should be a car wash i can make all the noises um and then you watch all the water bead on your car and these giant blowers blow every little drop to the back and all of a sudden your car makes it to the end and these guys come out of and start rubbing your little baby and then it rolls out and these guys all run around it and start drying it off and pampering it and putting a diaper on it right and then you sit there and you wait and then finally it's done and you drive off in your baby and it drives through a puddle full of diarrhea and you got to do it all over again but i don't know i think it's kind of fascinating. It's kind of a weird, silly thing to talk about, but I caught myself doing

this just the other day. And like, what the hell? Why am I watching this vehicle? Why do I like this? And then I guess you have the option of actually sitting inside your vehicle. I haven't got to that stage yet. When I was a kid, I loved it. But as an adult, you can sit in your vehicle and go through maybe next time i'll do that and then i can give you another long story about that episode i don't know maybe i'm boring the hell out of you but for some reason it sticks with me and i should wash this story off my body i'm going to go walk through a car wash yeah i'm going to pay you know 3599 hey man where's your vehicle oh no It's just me.

Are you crazy? Look, shut up. Just pressure wash me. Rub my running shoes off. And let me go. Okay, man, have you paid your money? Let me see your ticket. Okay, there you go.

Imagine that, just sliding through. The octopus gets all over you. The soap's spraying in your eyes. The hot air dryer. You come out at the end and you look really good. I'd pay for that. Oh, what's wrong with me? I'm going to go wash my mouth out with soap.

Hey, Harlan, you make me chuckle. This is Jake from Las Vegas. I want to be your friend. But remember, revenge is a dish best served cold. We're sorry. Your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have

better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out.

That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Okay, so I mentioned the term, Wash My Mouth Out with soap. this is a warning coming up here okay this next story is a news story

I'm going to read you a news story that involved a group of people and this was in a police report but I've got to tell you it gets very graphic to me it's very hilarious but if you have your kids huddled around the podcast and they're listening this is one gets a little nasty so here we go you've been warned i'm going to read the story to you and uh see if you find it as hilarious as i do the headline says woman utters line never previously recorded in a police report okay so here we go melissa lee williams unfortunately she's has my same last name. Not related, okay. Melissa Lee Williams, the West Virginia woman 41, is

facing assault and weapons charges after allegedly waving a knife at two men who declined her demands to engage in sexual conduct in a West Virginia motor end. Okay, now it's going to get worse from here. Again, take the kids away from the podcast. Okay, so here we go. You've been warned. According to investigators, Williams, who lives four doors down from her estranged husband at the 77 motor end. Okay, so first of all, she lives at a motor end. She showed up at his door and asked Danny Williams and another man to, quote, eat my pussy.

Okay? At this point, Williams, and there's a mugshot of her, she's not, she's what you'd expect. Kind of an overweight, trailer trash, white woman with dumpy features, a triple chin, baggy face, hanging brunette hair that looks dirty and greasy. Okay? So, well, Danny Williams declined, said invitation. the other man, Adam Watson, told cops that he, quote, agreed to perform at her request. However, as Watson approached Williams, quote, he became overwhelmed by a horrible vaginal odor emitting from Melissa Williams. Watson understandably declined to proceed any further.

Okay? So this is when Melissa Williams allegedly produced a long back-folding knife, opened it, and pointed the weapon at her estranged husband. She then reportedly uttered a line never before memorialized in a police report. She said, quote, somebody is going to eat my pussy or I'm going to cut your fucking throat. Oh, my God. When the deputy arrived on the scene, he observed Williams, who, like the two men, appeared to be intoxicated and nude from the waist down. After pocketing the knife that was on the coffee table in front of Williams, the officer arrested her for domestic assault and brandishing a deadly weapon. Williams was released from jail after posting $3,000 bond.

and is due in court. Can you believe she's walking the streets? Can you imagine some big chubby white trash walking up to you with a knife? Somebody's going to eat my pussy or I'm going to cut your fucking throat. Wow. So there you go.

There's the latest police report. I hope you enjoyed it. and uh good lord what a what a world we live in what a crazy woman and uh what a wild thing to say and you know there's some guy out there that will do it too he's like i don't care what it smells like man i don't care but are we talking free pussy here oh my god where do i got to go the 77 motel oh my god yuck I've got to go through that car wash again and wash the filth of this story off me. I'll see you back here in a few minutes on the Harlan Highway as we pass the 77 motor hotel.

Eat my pussy! Eat my fucking pussy! Hey, Harlan, it's Justin and Justin and Anna, but she's kind of embarrassed to say hi right? now but we're going to three-way you on the phone message right now we'd like to see you come out to the 90s weekend this weekend harlot so go ahead and just just give me a call stop on by i think we think you've got all the info we also have wine cooler we have tons of wine cooler and zima and zima word word all right see you too buddy oh man don't you hate it when you miss a partay i mean don't you have it hate it

when you miss a hard-rockin, hardcore, balls to the walls, party? I mean, did you hear these partiers? I mean, I could have swore I heard them say... We have tons of wine-coolers. I mean, how often you get to party with a bike gang? Can you imagine just the drugs and the chicks? And Zima. And the Zima?

And... We also have wine coolers. Yeah, and that. And the wine coolers, and... And Zima. And Zima! I mean, oh my God, I'm so mad at myself. How did I not get to that rebel bike party, man?

I am just pissed. All I can say is word. Word. No, I really mean it. Word. You know how I feel. Word. Exactly.

Well, keep those hardcore party invitations coming. I'll get there sooner later. man. Word. Word. Yeah, word. Word. Right on. Word. We also have wine cooler. Harland Williams here. Hello. Did you hear about this that they're saying that your cell phones are dirtier than toilet seats? Okay, man. Hold the dirty phone for a second here. All right. Have any of you been to a basement? ball stadium or a rock concert at an arena or a train station bathroom or at the airport i mean you go into those bathrooms man i mean there's yellow stuff everywhere and hair and toilet paper stuck to the wall

and the seats are covered with who knows what it's like an old star trek episode you're telling me that my phone is dirtier than that. You know what? I'm going to buy myself a cell toilet then, man. Yeah, if you see me walking down the street speaking into a urinal, I got a urinal up to the side of my head, holding it like a ghetto blaster,

and I'm chatting to my buddies. You'll know why. Because apparently it's cleaner to talk into the toilet than it is into my cell phone. What does that say about me, man? What is that? If my cell phone's that dirty, what does that say about me? What have I been into?

Yeah, you want to see me trucking down the street talking into a urinal? Hey, Jim, it's Harlan. What's up, man? Hey, man, what's going on? What's with the echo? Oh, I'm talking into a urinal. What the hell? What's all that echoing, man?

I told you, I'm talking into a toilet. It's nice and clean. You should try it. What the hell? What is it? It's eye toilet. I can watch YouTube get on the internet And I can talk to my friends

And oh yeah If I need to I can relieve myself Right in my eye toilet Well I want to get one of those Where do you get them? You get them at the airport You know Right there in the bathroom

Get them at the bus depot Okay man I gotta go Okay So wait for the echo echo echo next time I'm at a public restroom and I hear someone in the stall talking on their cell phone I'll know they weren't in there talking on their phone they were talking to the toilet because it's nice and clean just like this show the harland highway Oh, God.

Arland. Oh, Holland. Hello, Dr. Ascot. Hello, Arland. Don't give me any attitude, Arland. What do you mean, don't give you any attitude? I understand you had a little visit with Mr. Featherstone, Arland. Yeah, I did.

I had to go get hauled out on the carpet and front of the boss, because you gave me a pink slip and I had to fight for my job. Oh, and yeah, thanks a lot for the extra stress, Ascot. Oh, and that's what we're going to deal with today, Arland. What? Stress. Great, because I could use it. Arland, have you ever heard the saying stress points?

Stress points. What do you mean? of the human body, Arland. Yeah, like pressure points, like... Exactly, Arlen. Yeah, you touch them or you massage them and they're supposed to release stress. You've been reading up on the topic, Arland. No, I haven't been reading up on it.

I think everybody knows about press points, stress point. I see you fumbled your words there, Arland. Yes, I did. That tells me your understanding. some stress, Alland. Well, if you'd been hauled up in front of your boss... Ohland, let's not dwell in the past. No, you got me...

Arland? You don't want another visit to Mr. Featherstone's office, do you, Holland? No, I don't. Then let's deal with your stress points, Alland. Okay, I'll put on the happy face. Alland, don't be belligerent. What do we need to do? Oh, and I'm going to take my hand,

and I'm going to touch some of your stress points. Oh, what do you mean? You've got to touch me with your clammy hands? Oh, God, look at them. They're all white and vainy. You look like a zombie. Holland. Do you drink blood at night, Ascot?

Alland. What do I need to do? Put your arm out, Arland. And I will take my thumb and my forefingers, and do you feel this? I'm pressing on your inner elbow, Arland. Okay. Do you feel that, Arland? Yeah, this little tingly sensation up my arm.

Exactly, Arland. That is all the stress flowing out of your body. Wow, okay. You know what? That actually feels okay. all it takes is a little pressure arland i put pressure on the central nerves and it releases anxiety arland well you know i could maybe use this after what i've been through let's do a little more arland now i'm going to put my fingers on your forehead okay i'm pressing a little harder now arland okay i can okay that feels Okay. Your head feel light, Arland. Yeah, I feel a little bit of a buzz. This is actually kind of soothing. Now I'll put my hand on your shoulder, Arland. Okay. Ooh. Does that feel good, Holland? Yeah, I, wow, I do feel a little more at ease. Excellent, Arland, excellent. Turn around. Okay. Ow! Ow! What the hell was that?

Holland, I just put my thumb in your eye. I know you put your thumb in my eye. What the hell was that for? Much of the stress in your life, Holland, comes from things you see. So we relieve stress by temporarily blinding you, Alan. Temporarily blinding me, you put you... Ow! The hell, you just poked my other eye!

Can you see anything, Holland? No, I can't see my eyes. are all runny and owl they sting oh wait what was that noise what was that noise nothing alland it sounded like a zipper no allan just stay there can you see anything no i can't see anything how can i see anything what are you what are you doing you're pressing something on my head? Yes, Holland, lay still. What are you pressing on my head? Holland, lay still. No, you're not lay still, Alan. I can't breathe. What is that? It's all soft. What are you going to washcloth? Oh, Alan, it's my bottom. You're what? I'm pressing my bottom against the side of your head,

you're pressing your ass onto my head exactly all of it relieves stress are you out of your mind all in the buttocks are full of spongy fleshy meat it's a nice soft

pressure point stop talking about it get that take it easy all and feel the ass meat Feel the ass meat, Arland, on the side of your head. The ass meat will get rid of all your tension, Arlen. Get out of it. Get out of the head.

Get out of my head. There you go, Arlen, breathe. Feel better, Holland. Get out of here. Put your pants on, you son of a bitch. Holland. That is disgusting. My sight's starting to come back.

Oh, put your pants on. Do you feel better, Holland? Yes, actually. No, no I don't. Get out of here. You said you felt better, Holland. Get out of here. Would you like one more ass press, Holland?

Get out! Smoke from your cigarette Clouds my eyes All right, all you smokers out there Have you ever thought about your partner And how they feel about your smoking Especially if they're a non-smoker I mean, are you aware of the fact

That you're walking around smelling like smoke Like a smoked salmon, a smoked ham that your clothes smell like smoke that smoke permeates throughout the fabric of the sweaters and the shirts

and the greasy baseball hats that you wear yeah, you stink and you want to talk about your teeth, your breath? I mean, most people have a layer of, you know, plaque on their teeth. You've got plaque,

and on top of that, You've got layers of nicotine and carcinogens and all kinds of yummy chemicals. And your fingers are yellow. It looks like you've been eating nachos. Right? Just think about it. Think about what you're putting your partner through when you're smoking. It's like you ever walk through a forest after there's been a forest fire,

that lingering smell of smoke and burntness. That's you. Yeah, that's you there, old burn factor five. You reek. So I hope you got someone with a bad sense of smell or a very high tolerance for cured meat. Because that's you. Go put on some high karate.

Take your partner out for dinner. Make sure you get the smoked salmon. Harlow Williams. And speaking of smoking, here comes a great segue. We have some smoking hot Christmas presents for you. Yes, we do at the Harlandwiliams.com web store. Just go to Harlanwiliams.com. Click on the store.

We have movies. We have Rocket Man. We have my stamens. up specials. We have CDs. We have my kids' books. We have my hand-drawn t-shirts. We have my indie movie that I did. We have my book. Anything you want for me that you can imagine pretty much is there. And at the end of the day, all of my material is geared at making people laugh. So if you want to give the gift of laughter to friends, family, loved ones, check it out harlem williams.com and don't forget you can listen to us on your cell phone whenever you want

wherever you go just go to stitcher.com and you can download a free app which will allow you to to get the harland highway wherever you may be and don't forget to keep the letters and the phone calls coming. You can leave me a phone message at 323-215-1486. If you have any good gift-giving ideas for Christmas, you want to lay on me. You can leave me a message there. And that's it. I'm just happier here. That's the best gift of all. And I'm glad we're doing this incredible journey down this demented stretch of road that we call the Harland High. I'm glad you can be here and uh that's it for now so until next time chicken chow main babe we have tons of wine cooler and zima