The Harland Highway - PODCAST 197

Episode Date: November 29, 2010

Chocolate, Celebrity races, gay test, action figures, DNA, and Timmy campfire songs. Slap a starfish!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I saw you today at the reception, and I said you can't always podcast what you wanted. But if you try sometimes, you get the Harland Highway. Oh, yeah, yeah, you do. You got the Harland Highway right here and right to you now. Welcome, I'm Harlan Williams. glad you can be here. If your day's going good, it's just about to get great. Because we have a hell of a show, man.

We're going to be talking about your DNA. Yeah, you got some. We're going to be talking about chocolate. We're going to be talking about what scares gay people, if you can believe it. We're going to the celebrity racetrack today. We have some incredible celebrities lined up packed into. the shoot ready to run down the track and give it their all it's going to be incredible we have a big discussion about action figures when do you draw the line at action figures are there some characters

that are suitable and some that aren't and then sadly this idiot timmy king is here to do some campfire songs for us which i'm forced to do but you're not forced you're here by will aren't you right here at the Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hi, I'm Jackie want to play. Please go away and leave me alone. You just made a wrong turn

onto the Harland Highway. Man, keep it going. Love the show. You're hilarious. My blanket, my blue blanket, give me my blue blanket. Fasten your seat, you're riding down the Harlan Highway. It's the Harland Highway. Have you checked the children?

Hi, this is Harland Williams, with a Harland Williams update. Yes, I finally did it. I went in and got a DNA test, people. Good news. Turns out I'm me. Just a Harlan Williams update here on the Harland Highway. Ah, yes, good old-fashioned DNA. Isn't it weird that we all have something called DNA?

Isn't it even weirder that they figured it out? It's like all microscopic and stuff. And isn't it weird that it's everywhere? You ever see one of those news specials where they take a blanket off a hotel room bed, like a comforterber, whatever they're called? And they put the blue light across it, and there's, like, pee and poo and love juice and Kentucky fried chicken gravy and blood, sweat. Ugh, those blankets. It's like, it's like, it's like checking into a hotel and asking the bartender to bring his dirty bar rag up and drape it across your bed

and keep you warm at night. And that's at a nice hotel. Can you imagine the stuff that's in a blanket at like a dirty roseide motel, a motel 6, 7, 8, or 9? Can you imagine the stuff that's in there, the DNA? There's probably like caramel and soup, manatee oil. Oh, God. Trucker grease. Oil rig, worker sweat. Oh, Lord Jesus. Thank you for the D.N.A.

Good attention, shoppers. We have a special online chairs in the garden section. We have a special on lawn chairs in aisle 5 in the garden department. Looks like Walmart has decided to sell Jesus action figures. What a treat that is, huh? I don't know. I mean, all due respect to the son of God, being in the Bible and walking the earth and giving his body and soul for the sins of mankind. That's all fine and dandy.

Okay, good. Thank you, Jesus. But I don't know that I want to go to Walmart and take my kid to the toy section and have my kid shoes between G.I. Joe, my trick pony, a Spider-Man doll, or Lord Christ, the Shepherd of God. What would you like to play with, Billy? Um, can I have, um, the Incredible Hulk doll, please? No, that's too violent. Um, could I have the Smurfs? No, they're all blue, Timmy.

Oh, how about some G.I. Joe dolls? No. Well, then I don't want anything. Yes, you do. How about Lord Savior, son of God? No thanks. Billy, you're going to go to hell if you don't get this doll. Okay, I'll take it.

Ah! Ah! Ah! What are you going to do with a Jesus action figure? I mean, don't take this the wrong way if you're religious, but what are you going to do? Reenact the miracles? Tommy, go outside and make your Jesus doll walk across the swimming pool. Go out there, you're annoying your father.

I don't know. What's he going to do? Hey, hey, Steve, watch this, man. Look at my action doll. Jesus Christ here. Watch this. Okay, look, he's got, like, one loaf of bread and one thing of water, and like, whoop. I pull this out and he's got seven loaves of bread and seven fish. These are the accessories that come with my action figure.

All right, man, you're telling me loaves of bread and fish are the accessories. My G.I. Joe has a shoulder rocket launcher, 12 grenades and two machine guns. Oh, yeah? Well, what's he do on Palm Sunday? All right, you got me there. I don't know. I don't want to wake up on Sunday morning and see my kids in the sandbox, reenacting the crucifixion. How about a tonka truck and some Lego? Okay?

I just don't know how you play gently with the son of God. Jesus Christ. That's the name of the doll. I wasn't being blasphemous. That's the Jesus Christ doll. Yeah, it's no surprise that there is a Jesus Christ action figure. doll in fact isn't there an action figure doll for anything now when i was a kid growing up man you had like g i joe and the girls had raggedy ann and that was about it you know and then maybe like

maybe in like the late 70s the star wars action figures came along but now you go to like a nerdy comic book store you can probably find an action figure of yourself okay that's how many action figures there are out there. I went to a nerdy comic book shop the other day and I had an action figure of my anti-flow, my uncle Bert, and my mom and dad. And they had a little picnic table and I took them home and they had a picnic and they started eating and farting

and it was a riot. It's like playing dollhouse. No, they weren't really there. But what I'm saying is, you know, almost any movie in existence has an action figure. I mean, there's Freddy, there's Jason, there's DeGrassy High, there's, you know, Wayne's World, there's, you know, Austin Powers, there's Spider-Man,

there's Texas Chainsaw, there's Josie and the Pussy Cats, there's Beverly Hills 9-2101-5073-294, or whatever the hell it is. They've got an action figure for everything, man. I mean, I won't be surprised if somewhere out there there's like a JFK action figure, right? And a Ronald Reagan action figure on a Abraham Lincoln action figure. You know, you buy the whole assassination kit, right?

reenact the violent demise of the famous presidents. And it's funny they're called action figures because in reality, you know, most collectors, what they do is they buy them and they stand them on the shelf and they never move. How much action is there in that? Maybe they just got to change the name to like figures. And the hardcore collector,

of these things they don't even take them out of the box like oh I can't take them out of the box that that breaches the you know the whole thing the whole ambiance every you open the box

you can't penetrate the box that compromises the action figure most people want the box more I in fact I throw the action figures in the garbage the box is worth a fortune if you just hold on to it for

75 years right you ever see these losers that hang on to their toys till they're like 90 if I don't take it out of the box let's see I'm 12 now

when I turn 90 I could get $700 for this Winnie the Pooh salt and pepper shaker I'm a genius I'll get an extra $800 just in time for my stroke. So if you're going to buy an action figure, put it into action, do stuff with it. Take it with you, take it out to dinner with you, put it on the table, dump its head in your cereal bowl,

put it in the washing machine, flesh it around in the toilet. You know, let the wolverine swirl around in your toilet. give them some action man do something if not you just got a figure and there you go i rest my case i got to go get my she hulk and my uh my thor doll and i'm gonna make them have a whoopey i'm gonna put them in my bed and get the action gone with my action figures yeah Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, I'm Charles Parsley, and welcome to the Holland Highway Celebrity Racetrack. What a wonderful matching we have today.

Matthew McConaughey, movie star, in Gate 4. We have Howie Mandel, game show host in Gate 3, actor Mel Gibson on the track today, and Lindsay Lohan in Gate 7. They're jostling in the gate. They're getting ready, awaiting that belldering. They're off. And there's the bell. There's the bell.

And they're off. They're running down the track. Matthew McConaughey out in the lead. No surprise with his athletic form. He's streaming down the track and he starts ripping off his shirt. He's tearing away his shirt. And he's stopping to flex his abdomen muscles at the crowd. He's pointed to his six-pack.

Howie Mandel seems petrified. He doesn't. He doesn't want to seem to make contact with the track. He doesn't like the dirt and the mud on the track. He's a germaphom. He won't touch the track. He's jumping up and down as if he's dancing on the sun. Afraid of every contact he makes with the dirt on the track.

And Lindsay Lohan, Lindsay Lohan making progress. She races past the topless Matthew McConaughey. Wait a minute. The police have ran out. The police have ran out and grabbed Lindsay Lohan. She's being arrested on the spot. Bill Gibson takes it. advantage of this lull he runs past he's streaming past drinking a beer and drinking tequila

shot he runs fast but he's circling back he's circling back to the young stall in linds he can't miss it he punches her in the face he punches linds leon in the face because that's what he likes to do and now he keeps going lindsie lohan has posted bail she's been freed by the police she's back on the track she's back in this race ladies and gentlemen she's thundering down the track Matthew McConaughey actually laying on his belly, letting his pectoral muscles roll him down the track like an inchworm. His massive six-pack is abdomen, pulling him along like an inchworm. And here comes Mel Gibson again.

He's pulling up behind Lindsay Loan, who's just been arrested again. She's been arrested again. Lindsay Lohan and Mel Gibson's run by and punched her in the face again in the police of arrested Mel Gibson. That leaves Howie Mandel, who's afraid to... touch anything. Howie Mandel has jumped up onto the railing and it looks like it's going to be

Matthew McConaughey crossing with his abdomen muscles. Matthew McConaughey wins by a country mile as Howie Mandel is still at the starting gate trying not to touch the ground. A wonderful day of races here at the Holland Highway

Celebrity Racetrack. Hopefully we'll see you next time. I'm Charles Possible. enjoy your day. We're sorry. You have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service. Hey, Holland, what's going on?

I do agree with your I guess immigrant situation. But you don't use the word illegal. Illegal's other than but a sick bird. It's unlawful, alien. That's it. If you feel you have reached this, I'm sorry.

But the person you called has a voice mailbox. Okay, I've been told. I can't use a certain term. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority, plus 100% free shipping. on your entire order, doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged

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Have fun. Don't throw your back out. All right, I get it. Well, as you know, we get lots of your phone calls here, which I love. I respect your points of view, your opinions, your ideas, and it doesn't matter to me, you can agree or disagree with me. I will gladly put your comments up on the show. And this next call, I got to play it for you, because I love it. This is a young lady who loves the show, loves the

Harland Highway, and I loved it that she called, but she called and left a real, long message was almost five minutes long of all the different things she liked and uh i wanted you folks to hear it because i i appreciate her uh you know taking the time but what i'm going to do is i'm just going to take a lot of her points and cut the phone call down so that it doesn't take five minutes so uh here we go here's a call from a really big fan sarah Hey, Harlan. This is Sarah. I'm calling from Chicago. I just wanted to tell you, I love your podcast. I listen to it at work almost every day, and it's disgusting.

You make me laugh out loud, and I don't care. It's great. But anyways, but you're just a goofy guy, but listening to all these podcasts, you're extremely insightful, and it's very surprising, hilarious and intelligent. But, man, I love all the topics. I think they're disgusting. So there you go. I think you're talking about what we're talking about. Sorry, I'm walking home. I'm doing the little traffic.

It's a fine a good idea. Biggest bullshit in the world. Oh, and then also the handicapped thing. Like Home Depot, seriously? You're bringing such great topics to the table. Cinnamon Boy. Oh, Dr. Ask God, he's definitely my favorite. Anyways, I'm going to go.

This is a long enough message. Keep up the good work. I love everything you're doing. So there you go. I have fun. friends. It can tell me. I love it. Bye. So there you go. Sarah, her five-minute message, cut down, and thank you so much. A great message. It was full of heaps and praise, and I'm glad it brings some happiness,

some chuckles to your life. That's what we're all about right here at the Harland Highway. Keep those calls coming. You know the number. 3-2-3. 2.15, 1486. There's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar. Oh, man, my energy's a little low. I better eat a, I better eat a chocolate bar. You're feeling a little sluggish, so you go get a chocolate bar. What the hell is a chocolate bar?

about what a chocolate bar is man it's just this big lump of liquid and solid sugar it's just a giant chunk imagine going into a restaurant sitting down at the table my energy's low you grab the little sugar dispenser you know the one you're pouring your coffee you twist the lid off and just open your mouth and oh la la la you turn into like homer simpson man Gn't that what a chocolate bar is, really? I mean, God, love them. I love them. Ants love them.

We all love them. But think about what the hell you're jamming in your gobbhole when you eat one of those, man. And I love the names, Mars Bar. Like, okay, someone from outer space whipped me up some chocolate. I need a Mars bar. Kit Kat What the hell Milky Way?

I got to go through a Milky Way to get to the Mars bar, okay Kit Kat? What'd you call me? Kit Kat. Oh, mind if I go to Mars with you? Chocolate bars sound more like CB handles. Yeah, this is Kit Kat. Now we're coming down the big 55, 10-4.

Yeah, go ahead, Kit-Kat, this is Milky Way. Come back. 10-9, buddy. You're big buddy. Mars bar. Sounds like a name a celebrity would call his kid. Gwyneth Paltrow just had a new baby. Oh, really? What's its name?

Mars. Isn't that Bruce Willis' kid's name? No, that's Frank Zappas. Oh, okay. You mean moon unit? No, I mean Apple. Huh? You're riding home with Harlan Williams, the Harlan Highway.

Who killed the Witch of the East? Was it you? Oh, no, it was an accident. I didn't mean to kill anybody. Well, my little pretty, I can cause accidents too. Ooh, that scary witch from the Wizard of Oz, right? Here's something that is so gay, you're going to find out about the gays. Okay, and when I say gay, I really do mean gay.

Check this out, all right. I'm over at work. I'm doing some cartoon. voices and when you do the cartoon voices sometimes you have the whole cast in the room and i was doing a voice and uh i got to the session a little early and i was sitting out in the waiting room with one of the other voice actors a fine young gentleman and uh i did not know that he was gay or he was straight i just i didn't know so we're just sitting there talking and um we got to talking about like scary movies and I was like oh man yeah I love scary movies and then I asked him I said when

you were a kid did you get scared of the wicked witch of the west in the wizard of Oz because she terrified me and he was like oh no I loved her and I go what do you mean he goes well you know the gays I'm like excuse me and he goes well you know the gays love the wicked witch of the west I go are you serious she goes oh yeah the gay I go, what do you mean the gays love the wicked witch of the West? She goes, well, she didn't scare us because we just saw her as a strong woman figure. And I was like, what? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What do you mean? I said, does that mean all the gay guys weren't scared of the wicked witch of the West? She goes, no, not really. I mean, if you want to find out if your little boy is gay or straight, just put him in front of that movie. the Wizard of Oz, and if he's not frightened by the witch, he's gay. And I was howling. I was like, wait a minute.

I didn't realize there was like a difference between gay people and straight people when it came to being scared in the movies. Now, keep in mind, this is all coming from him, a gay guy, and he's speaking for the whole gay community. I'm saying, wait a minute, does this go on with the whole gay community? He goes, yeah, pretty much. Like, wow, I did not know that. So I guess that could be a possible test, according to him,

to see if your child is gay. If the wicked witch of the West scares the crap out of him. I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too. Okay, if your kid does that, he's straight. and if your kid goes berserk and falls in love with the Wicked Witch of the West, your kid's gay. It's all right. You can get up.

She's gone. So there you go. I don't know if that's of interest to anybody. I just thought it was fascinating. It never occurred to me that there was a division when it came to fear, when it came to monsters, when it came to scary things, that someone who's gay would be frightened by something completely different. from someone who's straight.

Huh. I don't know if this study is scientific in any way. I'm just going of what this young gay gentleman told me. And so there you go. You learn something new every gay day. You stay out of this, Glinda, or I'll fix you as well. Oh, my God, that bitch rocks. That bitch rocks my world.

Oh. It's true. I can't attend you here now as I'd like, but just try to stay up in my way. Just try. Oh, God. Come on. Do I really have to do this? What?

This is, Roger, this is ridiculous. Sorry, I can't hear you. Your headphones are... Oh, God. Okay. Let's get it over with... Uh, okay. Every now and then, my producer, Roger King,

forces me to have his kid in here. to sing campfire songs of all the stupid things like we all need to know campfire songs right so let's get them in here and let's get it over with come on in timmy timmy king everybody hey how's it going it's going good are you ready hey don't push me well i want to get this over with yeah up yours hey Well? What? Up yours. What are you going to sing?

Take it easy, lumberjack. What do you, lumberjack? Up yours. Come on, let's hurry up and sing. All right. We're going to sing a campfire song. Okay, we'll sing it, you nub. What's that mean?

Nothing. Now, whatever it meant, up yours. Look, kid, what are you going to sing? I'm going to be singing, she'll be coming round the mountain. Okay, a standard campfire classic. Good, let's get it over with. Okay, ready? One, can you count me in?

No, I'm not going to count you in. Come on, you just have to count to three. No. Well, then up yours, three times. Up yours, up yours, up. All right, I'll count you in. One, two, one, two, three. She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes.

She'll be ride six light horses when she comes. All right, enough. I'm not finished. Yeah, you are. Not finished. Let me finish. All right, hurry up and finish. And that's why you'll be giving me shattered dreams.

Shattered dreams. I wish that I could run away. What are you doing? Shattered dreams, run away. There's nothing. Stop singing Shattered Dreams, kid. Up yours. You're supposed to be singing campfire songs.

I was. Shattered Dreams is not a campfire song, kid. That's why I need to run away. Run away. Give me some bongo drops. Knock it off. Stop. Stop the bongo drums.

Unbelievable. What's the matter with you? Can I do? Do one more? No. I'm going to roll to tell my father. Oh, God. Good Lord.

Come on, kid. Do another one. What the heck is it this time? Goodbye, my Lord. Kupaya, my Lord. Kupaya. All right. That's enough.

Oh, Lord. Comeyah. Good. You're finished. No, I'm not. I've got to have one more. What is it? The bigger, the better.

Oh, lies, lies, lies, yeah. What are you doing? We're out to get you. Lies, lies, lies, yeah. Stop it. They're going to get you. Lies, lies, lies. Stop it.

Get out of here. Take it easy. It's just campfire songs. Lies, lies, lies is not a campfire song. well now look what you've done what have i done you've gone ahead and given me shattered dreams shatter dreams i wish that i could run away get out of here right away get out up yours up yours get out of here what a giant jumbo-sized jackass that kid is i won't mind if i never see him again up yours

Get out! Oh, okay, well, let's get down to business. We're at the end of the show here, so let's get down to brass tack, shall we? Let's see now. Christmas is coming. Don't forget to check into our store at harloweems.com for all kinds of presents to put under the tree and into the stocking stuffers, man. We get all kinds of great gifts at harlom-Williams.com store, DVDs, T-shirts, books.

It's all about bringing the gift of laughter. Also, don't forget to check out the website, fudgyfilm.com. Fudgefilm.com. What the hell? I don't even know my own website. Fudgefilm.com has all the information. about my new movie, my indie movie, fudgy wudgy, fudge face. And don't forget, you can get the show free at Stitcher, Stitcher Radio.

And I should mention, too, if you're up in the Seattle area, I'm going to be doing stand-up comedy December 9th through the 11th at the Dome. You can go to Harlow Williams.com. check on my comedy schedule for tickets and showtimes and all that magical stuff. It should be a blast. It's my last live show before the end of the year. Unless you're in Pittsburgh for New Year's Eve, I will be doing the Pittsburgh Improv for New Year's Eve,

but that kind of bleeds into the new year. So technically this is my full last show, the one up in Seattle at the Dome in early December. So check it out. And thank you. Thank you, thank you for being here. Hope you had fun today on the Harland Highway. Love having you here as we get ready for the holidays.

And we will be doing our annual Christmas parade down the Harland Highway with John and John. So we get closer to the big day. But until then, we're still in this day and have time here to say goodbye. And so until next time, my friends, chicken chow maine, baby. Sorry, I'm walking home. I'm doing little traffic. It's a lot of a good idea. Hi, Harlan.

Thank you for the hug. It was great. I left my bath off. And thank you for the laughs. You have a great one. I'm the biggest bullshit in the world. Thank you.