The Harland Highway - PODCAST 198

Episode Date: December 1, 2010

Osama in hiding, voicemails, drying off, interview with IHOP waiter, armed soldiers, and Timmy the campfire kid. Curl my frenchfries!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey little girl, can I'm a man of the world. Some say I've been around. Hey little girl, can I show you the world, lay down beside me now? Oh, yeah, you know it's going to be a good show when it starts. with air drums. Oh, yeah, and we have a myriad of topics to get to on today's podcast. Welcome, everybody. I'm Harland Williams.

I don't know why I'm enunciating it like that, but screw you. Live with it. We're going to be talking about Osama bin Laden hiding in Pakistan and what an outrage it is. We're going to be taking some of your voicemails, some very interesting. voice mails we're going to be talking about getting dressed there's a certain area of getting dressed that's always a pain in the ass we have a special guest coming by uh to sing some campfire songs we're going to be talking about the president's safety today and we also have another interview with a guy from iHop the pancake place so let's get the syrup and let's get our waffle on

It's the Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway Hi, I'm Jackie want to play Please go away and leave me alone You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway Man, keep it going Love the show, you're hilarious

My Blanket! My blue blanket, give me my blue blanket You're riding down the Harlan Highway It's the Holland Highway. Have you checked the children? Oh, sweet God, it's December. Can you believe it's the last month of the year? God, where did it all go? How does a year go by?

So fast. It always seems fast until you look back. at all the things you've done and uh if you if you look back and look at all the little things and big things you've done a year seems a lot longer but if you're looking forward it just seems like it's zipped by and uh here we are the last month of the year so uh let's make the most of it and uh i'll be glad if i don't have to do this anymore uh Oh, come on. Roger, do we really have to do this again?

What? You know what I'm talking about. Sorry, I can't hear you. Your headphones are... Roger. Oh, God. Stop laughing. You want to come in here and do it?

Stop laughing. Okay, let's get it over with. My producer, Roger King, you can hear him in the booth. Who's friends with the boss upstairs. Once again, his stupid kid, Timmy, is coming in here to teach us all how to do campfire songs. Gee, what kind of podcast is this, huh? I try to be hip, edgy on the cutting edge.

And I got a producer. Yeah, that's right. I'm looking at you, Roger. Right through the glass. As wipe. Same to you. What a fuck, darn. I got a guy who wants his kid on here to teach his campfire songs.

What the hell is that all about? All right, let's get it over with. How you doing, Timmy? I'm pretty good. How are you? I'm good, Timmy. You don't have to be a smart ass. How would you know if I'm being a smart ass?

You're like, what, nine years old? I'm 13, up yours. And stop saying up yours to me. up yours i stop it look i'm here to sing some campfire songs i'll tell my dad yeah i can see your dad and by the way your voice is cracking up yours all right what song are you gonna do i'm gonna do a campfire song well get it over with and get it started okay here we go can you count me in no i'm not counting you in I'll give you an up yours.

One, two, one, two, three, four. Oh, I live in the forest. I live in the forest. I'm a little bear. I'm a little bear. Oh, I live in the forest, and I'm a little bear. Great, I wish you would go out in the forest. Up yours.

All right, are you done? I got one more. All right, get it over with. Hurry up. Stop pushing me. Or I'll do a bonus song. A bonus song, huh? Yeah, that's right, a bonus song.

All right, do it. Hurry up. Count me in. Oh, God. One, two, one, two, three, four. Five. Milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. Boys to the yard.

Boys to the yard. What are you doing? Five, milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. boys to the yard, boys to the yard. Stop singing, milkshake. To the yard, brings all the boys to the yard. Stop it. What's your problem?

That is not a campfire song. It sure is. My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. Is that what? That's right. On any starry clear night, if you're out in the woods, you can hear a bunch of wolf cubs. A bunch of boy scouts huddled around a king. Amfire.

Oh, really? Yep, they're singing. My milkshake breaks all the boys to the yard. Boyston. Stop it. Wow, who put a can of Pringles up your ass? Watch your mouth. Up yours.

Can a Pringle. Up yours. Stop saying that. Get out of here. No, I'm doing one more. What do you mean you're doing one more? I said I'd do a bonus one. No, you didn't.

You said if I'm doing the. bonus one. Oh, God, kid. You really know how to grind it. Now count me in. One, two, one, two, three. Everybody loves a marshmallow over the campfire fire. Everyone loves a campfire marshmallow

because we all love camping did you just make that up no i've never heard that one kid have you heard this one which one up yours get get out of here i got one more i thought you just did your last one the bonus one well sometimes bonuses have a bonus oh my god that roger oh oh last one last one kid you're really pushing my buttons okay here it is count me in uh one two no no no i want you to start at a different number what i want you to start at a different number why you'll see what do you mean a different number well don't count me in in one two three i want you to start at seven why you'll see oh anything to get this over with.

All right. Here's your last campfire song. Seven, eight, nine. Work at nine to five. What a way to make a living. Work at nine to five. All the coffee and the pudding. Get out of here.

Work at nine to five. Get out. That's not a campfire song. Get out. What a way to make a living. Get out. Nine to five. What a moron.

Two, three My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard Boys to the yard Boys to the yard, boys to the yard My get out Up yours Okay Here's one for you

Here's one that I'm hoping you can answer for me You ever see when The President of the United States Goes overseas Like he'll go to you know, Saudi Arabia, he'll go to India, he'll go to China, he'll go wherever, okay? And you know what? It can even be here domestically, all right? But he goes to a whole boatload of ceremonies, okay?

And have you noticed that a lot of those ceremonies, there's people lined up down a red carpet, or there's people lined up, you know, on each side and the president walks down the middle? or even getting off the plane, right, off of Air Force One. He walks off the plane, he gets on to the tarmac, and there's a big welcome party there. And have you ever noticed that there's always soldiers? There's always soldiers standing there with rifles or guns or swords, depending on which country you're in?

and the president, the commander-in-chief, either walks right by this row of potential murderers or he stops and stands and salutes to them. You know, whether it's like some Sikh guy in a turban with a couple of swords, or he's in South Korea, and there's some Korean soldiers standing there with their rifles, or he's walking past our own troops,

troops at Fort Langley or, you know, one of the army bases. And here's these guys with their weapons. Now, I just don't think it's a good idea. I watched that footage. I watched the president do his thing. And in this day and age, I'm just going, oh, God. Oh, God, which one of these guys is going to snap? Which one of these guys wants to pull a John Lennon

and shoot a president just to get in the history books. Which one of these guys has secretly been training his whole life with Al-Qaeda, and they knew the day would come that the president had to walk by their guy, that they planted in the ceremonial welcome lineup, and the president stops to salute, and our little soldier greeting the president, lifts his rifle and just goes, at last, the time has come. And goodbye, president.

Am I the only paranoid one? Does this not make you uneasy when the president walks through these armed servicemen? I mean, God knows we've seen enough unstable. servicemen, you know, shoot their own kind, go berserk on enemy kind, go to berserk on prisoners. I mean, good Lord. And so someone's probably standing there and going, hey, well, none of the weapons are loaded. You know what? Maybe they're not.

I don't know that. I don't know if they're just ceremonial weapons. Maybe they have corks stuck in the nozzle or the nozzle. Maybe there's no bullets. Maybe they're not loaded. But let me ask you, how easy is it to sneak a bullet onto a runway? It's one thing to sneak a rifle or a firearm, but if they're handing you the firearm,

all you really need is to sneak one bullet. You could hide that under your tongue. or up up in your gum line or in your crevasse if you know what I mean your crevasse so I don't know shouldn't they just have guys standing there

with balloons and flowers and maybe a clown right maybe some kids with paper airplanes maybe a fat guy greets the president with a cake But to have lines of guys with weapons, weapons of death, greeting our president, I don't know, man.

This day and age, it just does not make sense. And I don't know that the president's wearing any bulletproof garments under his suit. It doesn't look like it. I mean, President Obama is, you know, he only weighs four pounds. Certainly doesn't look like he's wearing any bulletproof. material. So that's my question. Is it a goofy idea or is it a smart idea or what?

I just watch TV hold of my breath, waiting. Which of these guys is going to snap? Are their guns loaded or are they not? And then I guess the bigger question here in all this is, as you listen to the Harlan Highway, you have to determine, am I loaded? Or am I not? Probably loaded. So sit back and enjoy.

And three cheers for the president. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me.

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Code Harlan. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Colin Williams here on the Harlan Highway, and we've got to talk about Pakistan here. Okay, my patience is running out for our allies in Pakistan. All right, isn't it a pretty much a fact, Osama bin Laden, the terrorist that took down the towers,

that this guy's hiding in northern Pakistan and the hills, or somewhere along the border with Afghanistan and the hills and the terrain that's inaccessible. But yet our guys could get there if we were allowed in. But we're not allowed in because we're sending $30 billion in aid to Pakistan so that their forces can take care of the problem. Well, after $40 billion, Osama bin Laden is still on an excessive. extended camping trip in the beautiful, uh, foothills of the Pakistani mountains. Okay.

Enough is enough, man. I mean, send in Yogi Bear, sending somebody. I can't take it anymore, knowing that guy's up there in the hills, eating goat and singing campfire songs with all his buddies, planning the next attacks, roasting weanies and marshmallows. kumbaya my lord kumbaya kumbaya my lord let's blow up America let's stop playing

the old well we'll give money to Pakistan and they'll do what's right don't you think maybe they're not trying too hard don't you think it's time to just say you know what Pakistan we gave you a chance screw you this guy attacked us we're going in to get them

We've got people running across our borders at will Coming in here and working Canadians, Mexicans, Chinese, Japanese, probably Pakistani, there's all kinds of illegal immigrants here. Why can't we send a crew into the mountains of Pakistan and get the terrorists? Oh, it boils my shrimp.

Wait a minute, I don't have a shrimp. No, you know what I mean. I'm all riled up. You should be, too. It's your tax dollars that are paying for this guy's camping trip. Send Yogi in. Hey, Yogi Bear here. It's Osama bin Laden.

Gosh, Yogi, what should we do? Let's blow him up, boo-boo! Sounds good, yogi. The Harlan Highway. Hey, Harland, it's Justin. We're having a killer 90s party coming up the weekend of the 23rd. There's going to be some mad gas station hot dogs and some roller rinks and some video games. And we're going to beat the Simpsons arcade game.

You won't have to pay for any of the Doritos or luncheables, Caprice, Sons, or Gushers, or anything like that. She's giving me a call back and, you know, come to the party and it'll be a blast, okay? Chalmain. Wait, what did you say was going to be there? It's a mad gas station hot dog. Wow, nothing like... a hot dog that smells like gasoline. I don't know, dude. I don't know if I can afford this stuff. Is this going to cost me anything? You won't have to pay for any of the Doritos or luncheables,

Capri Sons, or Gusters, or anything like that. Wow, this sounds almost too good to be true. I mean, maybe I got to go to this thing. It'll be a blast. Okay, well, I'm going to think about it. You know, Caprice Sons and and splashers and gas station nachos and hot dogs. I'm really going to think about it, okay? So don't give up on me just yet, and I'll get back to you. Ciao, Maine. Hey, oh, Harland Williams here.

Holy smokes. You ever try to put your pants and your undies and your socks on after you get out of the shower? It's crazy. I mean, I get out of the shower, and, you know, normally you dry the top of your body, right? You do your chest and your hair and your face. And you kind of forget about the lower extremities, you know, the pelvis, the legs, the calves, the feet, the butt. And you kind of get ready to go out. You got a big date.

You're going out to a restaurant, blah, blah, blah. You go to put the undies on, and it's a little damp, okay, you get them on. But then you go to put the socks on, those wet feet, right? And it's like, it's like trying to stretch saran wrap over a bowl of half-eaten jello. It's just like, that's just one foot, and then the other foot. Come on, come on, come on. your stupid sock yeah and that's only halfway up your foot you're like covering the arch and your toes oh you just can't get them in there man and you never remember to dry your feet

then you got to pull your pants on and your calves are all wet they get all stuck in there it's like trying to put on a wet wet suit right like you're one of these guys at sea world ready to jump in with the dolphins pull those pants on Ah, listen to them squeaking. Ah, stretch. Rip. Great, I just ripped my pants. My socks are halfway on.

My undies are wet. Looked like I peed myself. You know what? I'm just going out in the naked. I'm bringing the naked back. I'm streaking to my date. Hi, baby. How are you?

Ah! You got any hand towels? Hey, come back. Hello, Harlan. I'm a little late to the game here. I've just got to I'm listening to the episode with your cousin. We're talking about cereal. I'm calling in to let you know that my favorite cereals are cinnamon, life, and cuckold pebbles. I like the sugar cereals, and you're right, you cannot eat just one bowl.

Thanks for keeping the Harlan Highway open. I'm always on it. See ya. have a special guest for a little interview, an in-studio interview, if you will. I got a guy named Daryl Sandwater here. That's right. Yeah, hi, Daryl. How are you? I'm excellent.

Daryl is, I guess you've been working over at IHOP for maybe what looks like on your resume here, 22 years? 23 coming up this October. I'm very excited. I'm in my 23rd pancake year. Wow. So just so our listeners know, IHOP means the International House Pancakes. Yeah, and I think we've all been there. What's your fascination with pancakes? I just love them. They're circular. They're fluffy.

They're nice and warm. You can put butter on them and it melts. And I love the sensation of pouring syrup all over those stacked up pancakes. Wow, you are passionate about pancakes. You bet your hairy ass. Oh, okay. So are there different kinds of pancakes? Oh, yes, there are. We have chocolate chip pancakes, delicious buttermilk pancakes sprinkled with chocolate chips.

Wow, that sounds yummy. Imagine, if you will, eating a stack of 12.5 inch across chocolate chip cookies stacked seven high. Oh, I don't know if I could put that in me. You bet your hairy ass you could. Okay, the hairy ass thing is... I said hairy ass. Okay, what else you got?

Well, we have blueberry pancakes. We take the most wonderful, delicious ripe blueberries right out of the fields. They are fresh and plump and just explode in your mouth. Oh, okay. I want to

ask you a question. What are buckwheat pancakes. What the hell is buckwheat? Well, buckwheat is a form of wheat that is all bucked up. Excuse me? It's buckwheat. People have been bucking in the wheat and we cut it fresh right after they finished bucking and we make pancakes. What? What? I'm talking about getting into that weed and bucking all over it. Um, Daryl. You bet your hairy ass. Look at that. We got to go.

Thanks for dropping by, Daryl. You're welcome. Please drop by the International House of Pancakes. Feel free to buck wheat. We got to go. Harlow Williams here. Get me some syrup. Let me ask you folks something and be honest.

Please be honest. Are you car scrape people? You know what I mean? Have you ever? scraped a car or nudged a car. I'm not talking about a collision. I'm just talking about that little scrape. You're parked beside someone and you pull back.

And you just kind of, you scrape the side of their door or you nudge their bumper, but you visibly leave a mark. You know, it's just not like a brush. It's a full-on scrape. And you leave like a mark, you scrape the paint. It might only be an inch. It might be three inches. It's nothing drastic, but all the same.

If it happened to your car, you'd freak. You'd be like, what the? Some prick scraped my car. It didn't even leave a note or anything? So that's what I'm asking you. Are you car scraper people? Have you scraped a car? and done a kind of like a hit and run.

And you kind of pretend it. You're like, oh, what was that? Oh, I must have, maybe I backed over a pop can or something. But you know damn well what you did. But you try to fool yourself. Huh, what? Well, was that a noise I heard? I better get going.

I got to, you know, be over at the, at the, where am I going? Nowhere, really. But I got to be there, and I can't stop and write a note and see if I scrape someone's paint job. So I want you to fess up. I want those of you that have scraped and ran. Not a hit and run, a scrape and run.

Sounds like a bad pap smear clinic. Hello, welcome to the scrape and run. We do your pap smear very quickly so you can get your d'all. daily appointment. Welcome to scrape and run. But tell me, call me, 323-215-14-8-6. Leave a message.

Let me hear your scrape-and-run story. And you know what? Even if one of you have actually been to a pap smear called the scrape-and-run, leave me that story because that's going to trump any paint job story. But I want to know. I want to know how many of you out there are honest enough to leave a note, leave a business card, try and track the person down whose vehicle you scrape. Because even though it looks like a little scrape, to us lay people, it's like, oh, it's a little scrape.

What's that going to cost? $20 to fix. Cut to, you know, Luigi's auto body shop. Hey, man, we fixed that, you know, that one-inch, uh, scraping your door, man. Oh, great. Here's your 30 bucks. Hey, 30 bucks.

What am I a chump? Come on, that's $700 for that, man. Excuse me? You heard me, $700 or we'd break your legs. You know what I mean? Nothing's cheap anymore. You do anything to your car. I mean, just to get a spare tire is like $200 now.

so I want to hear from you people that have done a scrape and run you don't have to leave your name you don't have to leave whatever like you're going to get in trouble anyhow like anyone would track you down for a scrape and run but I want to hear the logic I want to hear why you left why you didn't stay what was the thought process and if you're wondering why I'm bringing this up because it happened to me a couple of days ago. Okay, I go to this little mini-mart. I stop in to get a Euros and get some lunch. And I see a car park beside me. It was like a nice little silver like Porsche or some kind of convertible sports car, an Audi or something. And I come outy the restaurant and I see a damn scrape on my beautiful shiny black truck door it looks like a birthmark it looks like a remember john boy walton on the walton's had that giant greasy hairy catfish mole on his cheek that's what it looked like it looks it looks like my car now has a a dirty birthmark and to think it was some guy in a fancy car okay could figure if it's some chump and a banged-up clunker who probably can't even afford a shirt

but the notion that some guy in a hot little sports car with bucks or so he wants us to think scrape my car and did a scrape and run oh i'd like to pap smear that guy so call me three two three two one five one four eight six i want to hear your scrape and run stories on to see if you had got my message. Curious, if you're free the weekend of the 23rd for the 90s party or not. Word is just not a bunch of rollerblades.

I know Eric is going to go ahead and he's going to get those gushes like we talked about. So just give me a call back. Let me know. You can just stop by. I feel free to bring a friend 334, Klein Creek Court in Carroll Stream, Illinois. And, man, we're really looking forward

to seeing you, okay? Yeah. Okay, buddy, you know, you almost had me. You almost had me with the gas station hot dogs and the thunderstruck nachos and the gushers. I don't even know what that is. It sounds almost perverted. And it just sounded too good to be true. And everything was so friendly and great.

And then right at the end, you know how everybody has a dark side? right I'm going to play it again right at the end right at the end as it tails off he goes we're really looking forward to having you

and then there's a little silent spot and then you just hear yeah yeah yeah and the yeah thing gets a little dark

like that that's that yeah even though it's short yeah it says so much it's one of those like Yeah, you're never coming home alive. Right? Listen to the friendly greeting and then wait for the little pause and listen to the,

yeah, this is your last day on earth. Hang on, here it is. Man, we're really looking forward to seeing you, okay? Yeah. Am I right? Is that not trouble that, yeah? Is that not I end up in the back of a trunk with duct tape over my mouth and a garbage bag over my head and uh chains around my ankles yeah oh yeah man you gotta you gotta learn to read

into those little signals don't don't flower me with gas station hot dogs and gushers and nachos and you're planning my murder yeah sorry guys that little yeah yeah was a dead giveaway so you keep trying and maybe next time you'll get to the kid yeah Ha, ha. Harlan Williams. Now, if you really want to see me party, if you really want to come to a Harlan Williams party, here's what you do.

If you're in Seattle, Washington, on the West Coast, I am going to be at an incredible comedy club. The parlor in Seattle, Washington, I will be there December 9th, 10th, and 11th. Great club, great facility. very upscale, very modern. There's pool tables afterwards. It's just a great, it's in a great location,

and we are going to have a blast. So if in the Seattle area, or even if you're up in Vancouver, Canada, a shout out to my Canadian peeps. Come on down. I think it's about a two-hour drive. Come on down and see your brethren in action. It's my last live show for 2010.

Check it out. And then don't forget, folks, Christmas is in just a few weeks. There's still time to hit the harlandwilions.com web store. And we have all kinds of incredible comedy-related gifts for you to put under the tree or in the stocking. We have DVDs. we have my stand-up specials, we have CDs, we have t-shirts, we have my book, we have my movies, all kinds of great stuff.

So if you're still searching for a great present to give to a friend or a loved one, hit harloughwilliams.com, click on our store, and don't worry about not getting it as long as you order before, you know, the, I would say, the 17th. You will get your stuff on time, and sure to bring some joy into your home. Be sure to tell your friends about the Harland Highway so we can spread the joy to them, too. And like I said, we'll see you December 9th, 10th, and 11 at the parlor in Seattle, Washington. I had a great time with you here today. And don't forget, we will be doing. doing our annual Harland Highway Christmas Day parade as we get closer to Christmas with our commentators, John and John.

So I will keep you posted on that. And I'm just about out of breath. So I had a great time. Hope you had a good time. If you can't find me, just check out the roller rink. Follow the smell of garage gas station hot dogs. and I should be in a trunk somewhere. So until next time, my friends,

Chicken Chalmaine, baby. We're sorry. Your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again. This is a recording. Yeah. Thank you.