The Harland Highway - PODCAST 199

Episode Date: December 3, 2010

Strange news story, your face, work out people, horrible publicity stunt, and yes, Dr. Ascot. Tuna ass face sandwiches!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ground control to Major Tom. Commencing podcast helmet on. Check ignition. And may the Harland Highway be with you. No, no, no, no. Yes, yes, yes. Lift-off. We have Lift-off.

We have podcast is what we have. It's the Harland Highway. Welcome, everybody. I'm Harlan Williams, and you're not, but I am, and I'm very happy to have you here. We have a crazy show today. We are doing a crazy publicity stunt, a ratings getter, I'm told by my producers today. So it's going to run through the length of the show, this crazy publicity stunt to try and get ratings. I have my

suspicions, but I'm not in charge, am I? So there you go. We're also going to be talking about, I got a crazy news story for you that ends in kind of a weird little tragedy. We're going to be talking about people

that work out all the time and the fashions that they wear. We're going to be talking about your puffy face, and yes, Dr. Ascot will be here. It's Friday all day on. The Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway.

Hi, I'm Jackie want to play. Please go away and leave me alone. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Man, keep it going. Love the show. You're hilarious. My blanche!

My blue blanket. Give me my blue blanket. Fasten your seat, you're riding down the Harlan Highway. It's the Haarland Highway. Have you checked the children? Okay, so here we go. Check this out.

Time for a story from the news desk. All right, here's the headline. Smelly feet insult led to stabbing at party. Oh, God. Okay, so here we go. Prosecutors say what started out as a friendly challenge. ended in bloodshed when a man teased a woman

about having smelly feet so this girl Amber Smith is accused of stabbing a man in the back at a party she first became upset when she was unable to do a backflip okay

Smith and others were gathered at her ex-boyfriend's home watching a movie and drinking she started to boast that she was good at doing backflips and that she could do one off of anything. So this guy, 19, challenged her to do a flip off the deck. So she took off her shoes and attempted the maneuver. She couldn't do it. That's when the man laughed at her and told her that her feet smelled.

So the chick started to playfully wrestle with the guy rubbing her socks in the face. Then she started hitting them. and after several, you know, slap arounds from this chick, the guy pushes her away. Well, she got all fired up, picked up a steak knife, and headed for the door. And on the way, she stabbed the dude in the back. So all the friends gathered called 911. The sheriff pulled up. They found the guy sitting on the porch with a knife sticking out of his back.

the blade buried a few inches in. His lung had collapsed from the stabbing. Thankfully, he is expected to recover from the injury. Hello. Wow. First order of business, note to self, do not date ex-Olympic gymnasts. And ladies, wash your feet.

Don't be stabbing people just because you reek. Hey, Jim, could you come here for a minute? Sure, what's up? Ah! You stabbed me. Why? Why did you put a knife through my chest? Well, I just farted.

So? Well, if I stink, you've got to be stabbed. Don't you get it? Don't you understand how it works? Wow. So there you go. guys watch out for girls with smelly feet they're not stable and first of all where do you meet a chick with smelly feet right then that say something about their disposition right away like most women are

very clean and they take care of themselves it's hard in this day and age to have smelly feet unless maybe you're homeless so the minute you start smelling like rotten lemons or cantalope coming out of their shoes. Hightail it out of there. Do a backflip out of there. So there you go. A little crazy news story to kick off the Harlan Highway. What we've got here is failure to communicate.

I watched an old classic movie the other night. I don't know if you've ever seen this oldie but goody with Paul Newman. It's called Cool Hand Luke. It's a prison movie. Paul Newman plays a guy in a southern prison, and he has to work on a road gang and cut the grass and dig trenches, and, uh, it's a great old movie. If you get a chance, you got to watch it, but there's a scene in that movie where he has a boiled egg eating contest. Yeah, no word of a lie. The guy, uh, they pile up like a hundred eggs, and he starts sticking them in his mouth one by one.

It's like watching a turtle lay eggs but backwards. Okay? He shoves about 50 boiled eggs into his mouth. And I thought, what a fun thing. What a fun way to kind of pay tribute to a good old movie. So what we have here today is my producers brought in a just a mountain full of cabbages. We got a truckload of cabbage here in the studio. There must be 60-70 strong here.

they're piled halfway to the roof. And what I'm going to do is I'm going to eat a whole cabbage, one at a time and see how many I can get in there. And Cool Hand Luke swallowed 43 hard-boiled eggs. And he ate them whole. There's no, you just stuffed them in there. So I'm going to see if I can stuff 43, a 44. I'm going to try and beat his record and try and stuff 44 whole cabbages in my mouth

without breaking them down, just stuff them in in their entirety. Here we do. Give me the first cabbage. Here we go. Here we go. Ready? Put it up against my mouth there. Here we go.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, my God. Oh, okay, that's one. Holy God, that felt like give him birth backwards. Okay, that's one. Give me another cabbage. The whole thing, yeah, give it. Okay, that's two. How many?

44. All right. Give me one more. We're going to keep a count going to. and throughout the show, people. Yeah, give me number three. All right. All right.

So in between cabbages, oh, God. I got to keep, you know, talking about things, keep the podcast moving. But here's something that I'm pissed at, man. Okay? For those of you that work out like every friggin' day, okay? For those of you that are gymaholics, those of you that hit the gym more than four times a week,

and your skin's so tight, if you cut through like one side, you'd come out the other side because there's barely any muscle or meat left on you. You know, for those of you that don't have a wrinkle or a crease or a cellulite, you've got the ripples and the cuts and the dashboards and the six packs and the packs and the... You know what I'm talking about. It's like someone could shoot you with a gun and the bullet would bounce off.

It's like, you know, people that are in shape, they're buffed out. Well, here's where I'm pissed. Don't they love to rub it in our faces? You ever notice people that are in great physical shape that clearly go to the gym? Love to remind the rest of us how flubbery we are. And here's how they do it. When they go out in public to work out or go for a walk, they wear clothing that no one else would wear, right?

The guys wear the shirts with the cutoff. sleeves and then under the underarm instead of you know the shirt just kind of going on to the underarm about two three inches somehow their underarms are cut all the way down to their like hip bone so all the all their flesh is showing like under under their arms all the way down to their hip bone you can see their rippling rib cages and the side of their pecks somehow we need to see that somehow he needs to show us all the hard work he's done on the Nautilus machine

I mean God no one would wear that shirt outside of someone you know trying to show off their flash so they wear that or the guys that you know pump iron they wear like a wife beater out for like a steak dinner like everyone will be wearing a collared shirt

and here's the buff guy and a wife, Peter, at a fancy steak shop. Oh, sorry, I didn't realize what the dress code was. Excuse me, would you pass the salt? Oh, wait, I'll get it as I flex my muscles. You know what I mean? And then the women, right, they'll go out jogging. And instead of wearing, like, you know, track pants or baggy shorts, they wear those skin tight black neon you know training pants they literally look like the the chicks that

jump in the water at sea world they've got the tight it's almost like an underwater uh diving suit it's like tight black it hugs every curve and crack on their body they're just jogging along you know little hair and a ponytail do do do look at me look how thin I am I don't even know what fat is do to do do do do do look at you pigs look what I did look how great I am right oh yeah they really like to remind them they wear they wear stuff so tight that they might as well be out nude oh yeah here's my pectoral Here's my Maximus Gluteus. Here's my, you know, they might as well just, you know, do what the,

you ever seen that, that so-called art exhibit called bodies? Where you go in and it's a bunch of cadavers where their skin's been ripped off and you can see their anatomy. That's what the workout freak should do. Just work out to the point that you can strip your skin and just get right to the muscles you want to show all of us. Right? just walk around pink flesh your all your six packs exposed your biceps your triceps your calves yeah i went to i went to the gym today uh four hours man four yeah i can see that i can yeah i really get my uh heart rate going you know going to the yeah i can actually uh see your heart

right now through your uh you have no skin yeah i mean i work the skin right off you know there's a little bit of fat in the skin so you know i just i just hit the gym until the skin's gone and uh you know you get rid of the skin over the entirety of your whole body that's like seven pounds right there i mean you know if you get if you're gonna work out go all the way right i mean hey will you have me that carrot smoothie oh my god i'm watching it go right through your system yeah isn't that wild you want to see me take a crap later oh my god so there you go i'm all for getting healthy but can you stop rubbing it in our faces i mean i'm not an unhealthy guy i hit the gym but i'm not tight as a kettle drum and i really don't need to be

reminded by uh you tight wads how amazing you look and how bad we look just put on a regular t-shirt a collared shirt some khakis some running shoes we can still tell you're in reason reasonably good shape. If that doesn't work, just spray paint some clothes on yourself. So there's no layer of fabric between you and your fabulous flash. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No?

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Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. I'm going to go have a carrot smoothie. I guess not. Maybe I better get back to my cabbage. Oh, God. Yeah.

No, I don't know if I want to keep doing this. What? Yeah, I know it's a ratings getter. Of course it's a ratings getter. I'm stuffing, trying to stuff 44. Whole cabbages in my mouth. Oh, God. Yeah, I'm at 18.

I don't know if I want to continue. Well, maybe we will go up in the ratings a little. I don't know. Keep going. Easy for you to say. All right, I'll try a few more. 44 is a long way off. We're on.

Hey, folks, Harlem Williams here on the Harlan Highway. And in case you didn't catch it earlier, As a tribute to the movie Cool Hand Luke, the scene where Paul Newman's stuff's 43 boiled eggs into his mouth. The producers here thought it would be a funny idea if I tried to beat that record and stuff 44 whole cabbages into my mouth. I'm at 18, and yes, I see it. We're going to try him. beat the record here. Give me the cabbage.

Here we go. Here comes number 19. Ready? Whoa. Yeah. Oh, me. Yeah.

I was okay. I don't know. Number 19 again. Okay. I'm having trouble breathing here, guys. Oh, my God. My stomach's rumbling. I think we better just cut this up.

I know it's for ratings, but I'm the one eating my... I look like I'm pregnant with triplets. I've got 19 whole cabbages in my stomach. Okay, we're gonna... I gotta take a bathroom. Right, guys? Give me some petamismol.

See if we can break this record. This is the dumbest thing I've ever done. Harlan Williams, Harlan Highway. Hey, Harlan Williams here, and why do you look like ass? Okay, don't take that the wrong way. Don't take it. I'm talking about all of us. Me included, when you wake up in the morning, right?

You've had a nice long sleep. You wake up, you go look in the mirror, and you look like ass. You think you'd look your best when you wake up in the morning, right? Because you've been resting, you're nice and quiet, your eyes have been closed,

your face hasn't had to work, just laying there on a pillow doing nothing for eight hours. And you wake up and it's like, what the hell was I doing last night? Was I in a boxing match? You know what I mean? Your face is all puffy.

right your face is puffed up you look like one of those fish that swim around with the quills on them they just blow up you got these bags under your eyes like you've been up all night playing cards and smoking cigars or something your hair's like sideways i don't know your hair goes on like an angle it looks like the leaning tower of pisa what the hell happens to us when we're asleep man do the the look like ass fairy's come and jump around all over our faces we got crust coming out of our mouth we have whiskers most of us men grow like stubble some of you women too we got gunk in our eyes our eyes are all puffy what the hell's with the uh look like ass fairies all right he's asleep let's get him

yay everybody jump on his face he he let's twist hair sideways where they look like ass very easy good lord I hate to look at myself in the morning I'm like ah what the hell is that oh yeah it's me ass face holy powder puff man I think I'm just gonna stay up for the rest of my life I hope you stay up with me right here on the Harland Highway. Oh my god, I had the... Oh, I gotta take a bathroom break here, man. My stomach hurts.

Oh, God, I left the microphone on me. I left the remote mic. Pinned to my thing, great. Now you guys can hear this. I'm at the bathroom. I got the cabbage you might got. Oh, God. Okay, you got me.

I'm sitting in here. Hello, Holland. What the hell? Hello, Holland. What the hell is that? Holland, I'm in the next stall, Allent. Ascot? Yes, Holland.

What the hell? Holland. What are you doing in the Batman's bathroom? I'm in the next stall, Alland. Look down and you'll see my English loafers on the floor. Oh my God, you're... What are you doing in here? Holland, I thought this would be a great place to have today's session.

No, no, no, no, no. You're not coming in here. I'm already here, Olive. Oh, my God! You can't be here. I'm not feeling well. I'm sitting here trying to get some privacy. Holland, the human body can be full of manure. Would you stop it? But the mind can also be full of psychological. manure, Arlen. I'm not doing a session in here with you. Arland, this would be a perfect time, Arlen, for you to get rid of your psychological

manure. I don't have psychological manure, Ascott. I tend to disagree, Arlen. Well, good for you. What are you thinking about right now, Arlen? Um, flushing these 19 cabbages out of my system? Psychological manure, Olive. Oh, God. I can't believe you're sitting in the bathroom in here. Oh, but...

Holland. What? There's never a place where you can't work on yourself. Don't say work on myself, but we're in a bathroom. Holland, I want you to release the... to release the psychological fordoer. Stop saying psychological

padoer. Stop it! How do I get you out of here? Oh, but I want you to get rid the psychological mendoor, and I will leave. Okay, good. What do I do? I'll kneel down and stick your head in the toilet and flush it.

What? That's how you get rid of the psychological manure. And how does that work, Ascot? It's all symbolic, Alan. The process of sticking your head in the toilet and flushing it as if you're flushing all the negative, sorrowful, and depressing thoughts from your head, all.

Okay, you've hit an all-time, well, if you think that I would ever do that... Oh, you don't get the pig slip. Wait a minute. You're going to try and get me fired if I don't. don't stick my head in the toilet and plush it? Holland, stop flushing now. No. Holland, psychological maneuver.

No? There will be fired, Alan. Oh, my God. Excellent, Holland. Kneel down. Stop pushing me, I'm doing it. Put your head in the water. Okay, I'm moving.

Don't throw my heart of the water. Flush, Paul. You are disgusting, Arlenz. You are disgusting. No, I'm not. I'm not. I'm going to be sick. I'm going to be sick.

One more time, Arlen, do the waterboarding. What did you just say? Nothing, Arlen, I said psychological. Psychological badua. I heard you say waterboarding. All right? Get rid of your psychological badua. That's all it is.

It's the psychological baddew. You said waterboarding. Flush, all. Oh. Let's get rid. It's three. Ah. Excellent, allan.

Ninetee four times. What for each cabbage? Get out here! Do it, all. Get out! What was that? I heard something. Nothing.

Was that you? No, Arlen, that was you. Wasn't me? Get out of here, you're disgusting. Go back to the studio. Olive, wait, you're back. Oh, God. We're back to the studio. You're sick.

Holland, you want more water. I mean, you want more sec. Holland Oh my, that was a raspberry Oh my, that was a raspberry Oh, God This is Harlan Williams here On the Harlan Highway

And oh my God We decided to do Not a smart publicity stunt Where There's a tribute to the movie Cool Hand Luke I was to eat 44

raw cabbages swallow them whole I'm at 43 my stomach is approximately stretched to about four feet high and I can't do one more you guys

I can't get one more cabbage in there Oh my God What? You want to put it on You want to put it on my mouth Lay me down on my back Put it on my mouth

And stomp on the cabbage On my face Excuse me Sorry folks My stomach is Acting up I've got 44 cabbages there. You want to stomp the last cabbage right down my throat.

Okay, I've come this far. Help me lay down here. Ow! Watch my head. I just hit the edge of the table. Help me get down here. Oh my God. I feel like Jabba the Hut. All right. So what are you? You're going to put the cabbage on my lips, like a golf ball on a golf team. you just want to perch it on my mouth and then you're going to stomp up and down on it with your with your boots

okay this better get us the ratings we're looking for we're looking for because this is the dumb the dumbest publicity stunt I've ever done all right put it on my lips here we go start

get up there Okay, put her in my lip. Okay. Start stomping. Come on, start stopping. That's 45. That's 45. It's 45.

What's that rumbling? Oh, my God. What's that rumbling noise? Oh, my God, it sounds like an outboard motor. Oh, my God, what's happening to my stomach? Oh, my God, 45 cabbages. We better get some good ratings. I hope you guys like Coleslaw.

Where are you going? You guys, come back. Come back. Come back. Oh, man, okay. I'm with you, a long way to go to get ratings. A long way to go, maybe a bit too long. I don't know.

Oh, the cabbage. The good old cabbage. But if you can check out Cool Hand Luke. It's an old movie. It's really cool. and if nothing else, it inspired a good publicity stunt for me. Don't forget, folks, next week, I'm so excited. I can't believe it.

It's going to be our 200th, Harland Highway podcast. Can you believe it? We've done 200 of these? 200. Three a week. 200. I'm not making a red cent. It's a ton of work.

but I can't tell you how much I love it I well I'm going to tell you I love it I put a ton of effort into these things and I do it all for you and for me I get a kick out of it but I'm so glad that you folks come along for the ride and enjoy it and have fun and I hope I can make you laugh along the way let's hope we have 200 more and then 200 more after that. If you have any comments or suggestions, you can call 323-215-1486. So next week, our 200th Harland Highway podcast. Unbelievable.

And then also don't forget, next week I will be in Seattle, Washington, on the West Coast, at the parlor, which is an incredible comedy club. I'll be there December 9, 10, and 11. You can go to Harlan Williams.com and you can get ticket and showtime information. And then if you're still looking for Christmas gifts, make sure you stop by Harlanwilliams.com and check out our web store.

Great custom-made t-shirts, artwork, books, movies, DVDs, CDs, all kinds of stuff that's hopefully going to put a smile on your recipient's face when they get some Harland Williams merchandise. And if you don't want to pay for anything, why don't you just tell your friends that the Harland Highway is here for free three days a week at Harlowil Williams.com Or you can go to Stitcher Radio.com and download Stitcher for your cell phones so you can listen to the highway

wherever you may be and don't forget to check out fudgefilm.com and harlandhighway.com and I'm excited next week 200 episodes. Podcasts.

Unbelievable. Again, thank you for coming along. I'm Harlan Williams and until 200, as always. Cheese, chicken chow mean, baby. Who is this? My mother is dead.