The Harland Highway - PODCAST 200

Episode Date: December 6, 2010

Hallelujah, it's Podcast number 200. Today we celebrate this milestone and also talk about man kissing, airline security, and cell phones. Eat a bag of party poppers kids!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

My, oh, my, oh my, what a day it is today. You can hear the celebration in the air. Folks, fellow travelers on the Harland Highway, guess what? This is our 200th, can you believe it? 200th episode, 200th podcast. of the Harland Highway, hard to believe. We've been on the road together for just about one year now, about a year of crazy characters and stories

and sharing thoughts and ideas and having a laugh together, 200 Harland Highway episodes. Can you believe it? Wow. Let me start by saying, what a fun ride it's been. What a fun, what a fun road to travel. And I want to thank each and every one of you for taking this journey with me, sharing in the antics, your phone calls, your letters, your stories, your praise, your critiques, all of it. and it is a big celebration here today. We're going to have the marching band here in the studio. Thank you, fellas.

Thank you. We get some of the staff here. Thank you so much, guys. That is just awesome, just awesome. Aren't they great? There they go out in the hall. And maybe they'll stop by again later. Just an exciting, exciting podcast.

And here's what we got lined up. up for you today. We are going to be talking about men kissing. What? Yeah, stick around and find out exactly what I mean about men kissing. We're going to be celebrating the 200th episode all through the show, of course. We're going to be talking about planes and airlines and airline security and all that new pat-down and X-ray machine madness that Everyone's going berserk about. Is it too much? Have we gone too far?

Is it too invasive? Is the technology too much? And then speaking of technology, we will be talking about the new latest iPhone. Is that too much technology? Do we really need it? And the guys are going to be coming in with their marching band to do some celebration music for us.

It's going to be a great podcast. And, you know, it's always great because you are right here, my friends. By the way, thank you for being here for 200. You are right here on the ever-growing, ever-expanding Harlan Highway. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. Hi, I'm Jackie. I want to play. Please go away and leave me alone.

You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Keep it going. Love the show. You're hilarious. My blanche! My blue blanket. Give me my blue blanket.

Fasten your seat. You're riding down the Harlan Highway. It's the Harlan Highway. Have you checked the children? Hey, Harlan Williams here on the Harlan Highway. And I have a pet peeve. get off my chest, man. I don't know how many of you people fly,

but do you ever fly into one of those airports at the end of the runway or somewhere on the runway as you're flying in or you're taking off? You look out the window. They've got a burnt-out fuselage of a test plane that I guess they light on fire for the fire crews to train on, the airport fire crews that have to deal with emergencies

should the plane crash. Now, I'm all for them training, but couldn't they do it in a field somewhere, a few miles away? I mean, I don't want to be taken off, smiling, thinking about my vacation. I look out the window, and there's a burnt fuselage training plane

sitting off to the side of the runway as I'm gaining altitude. All right, not a comforting feeling, okay? that's like driving your car with the airbag already popped off you're expecting doom and gloom you're expecting an altercation so just a little tip for the people running the airports in this country we want you to train your fire crews we want them to be ready for an emergency but could you put their test training facilities

hide them behind a wall or something. I mean, isn't it already bad enough that we've got to eat the food you serve us on those airplanes? So this is Captain Harlan Williams requesting you lose the mock-up of the burnt-out plane crash. Return to your seats. Fasten your seat belts. Hold on. We're taking off right down the Harland Highway. And as I continue in the pet pee vein of airports, how are we all feeling about this new screening process they have? Now they've got a thing where you've got two options.

You can step into the machine that looks through your clothes and basically sees your naked body, okay, this new X-ray machine they have. Or you can get the pat down from the pimply-faced guy with the rubber gloves, which, by the way, includes the inside of your thigh and groin area now. Legally, they are allowed to touch you there. Is this not creepy or what, man? Either way, you're a loser. That's like saying, oh, would you like me to punch you in the face?

or punch you in the nuts. Either way, it's going to be uncomfortable and you're not going to feel good about it. I think I'm just going to walk, and that's what people are doing. People are opting out of flying. They're so incensed by this violation of their space. And I've been through both of the man.

I've been through the scanner thing, and I've been through the pat-down. And I'll tell you what, I'm not ashamed of my body, So I'll take the scanner thing any day. I'll walk through the damn scanner, naked. I don't care. I'm not ashamed of my body.

But the idea that some random stranger can just start touching my body, I'm not kidding. That has a resonating effect on me. I had a guy do it, and I can still feel it. And it wasn't like it was in private or it was hidden. It was right out in front of his peers, his coworkers, but it was also in front of the people walking by that didn't get selected for a pat down.

Okay? And so it's just weird. You just feel violated on so many levels. You feel violated that they're touching you. You feel violated that other members of the public are watching you. And it's kind of creepy and gross. And here's what really bothers me about the selection of who they want to pat down the selection process.

I've been probably selected for the pat down. Maybe like, I don't know, I fly a lot, but over the years I would say I've been selected, maybe seven to ten times, okay? And I'm going to tell you that every time they do it, while they're touching me, while they're going through my bag, they're like, so, man, you're going to do a sequel to half-baked, Hey, loved you in Rocket Man.

Hey, employee of the month was hilarious. Hey, can you do the noise from Dumb and Dumber? Hey, something about Barry was awesome. Hey, caught young Conan last night. Hey, you and Letterman really had a good time last night. Okay, they all know who I am. It never fails. And yet I'm the guy they're picking off.

They're patting me down for weapons and bombs. Harland Williams, the stand-up comedian. Yeah, like, I'm the guy that's going to take a flight down. Because my life is so crappy, you know. I have this horrible life where I fly all over the world and stand on stage and make people laugh and make them feel good. And I just hate it so much. I'm going to take a plane down and all the miserable people that laugh at me with me.

I mean, can you believe? it. They know who I am. And I'm sure that happens to a lot of well-known sports figures and politicians. I remember, I think it happened to Al Gore once. I read an article. Is Al Gore a terrorist? Is Brett Farr planning to fly a DC-12 into a high-rise? Is Richard Simmons getting ready to dive-bomb the Pentagon? Right? And then it spills a not just to people that, you know, are recognizable, but then it spills over into everyone. Is that 85-year-old lady in the wheelchair going to roll up to the cockpit,

kick it open, and spray it with an oozy? Is the 9-year-old Chinese kid going to smash someone over the head with her laptop and takeover flight 739 to Miami? Come on. And look, you know you've heard this whining and complaining from other people, right? I'm not the first one to do it, but boy, is it a lousy system. And at the end, it's hard to argue it because it's all about saving lives. It's all about saving your life and my life and the next guy's life.

But, you know, and I'm like a broken record here. Do we have to be so damn politically correct? can we maybe narrow the search down or maybe the people you want wandering by while you're patting down granny and finding some cinnamon squares in her sweater pocket did the guy carrying the Koran and chanting and wearing the turban

and his sandals were on fire that just walked past do you think maybe he's a consideration Do you think granny and her cinnamon buns can go by, please? Wow. So, yeah, your choices are of being humiliated and violated and violated and probed and prodded are really shrinking. I mean, you've only got two choices now. Hey, everybody.

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Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. They should at least throw in some kind of service for our trouble, right? Like if you go through the thing and, you know, this thing's looking at your naked body right through your

clothes. It's like, look, you've got the technology. Do I have a tumor or not? Do I have melanoma? Have I got testicle cancer? Is my colon clogged? Is my artery in my heart doing okay? Tell me something. If you're going to x-ray my entire body, help me here. Give me something back. I'm giving you a free show of my gorgeous body parts, my sacred body parts. Just tell me, do I have a kidney stone? Homeland Security, do I have a kidney stone or a gallbladder infection? Homeland Security is my urinary tract clean. Help me.

And by the way, three guys just walked by and their heads are on fire and they're chanting, but that's okay. Oh, God. thank god we have the harland highway and we don't have to fly we can just go right down that sweet and the other thing i want to say about it oh hold on hey hey guys hey hey yeah i'm in the middle of i'm recording here guys yeah maybe wait in the hall i yeah i know it's our 200 show guys guys Yeah, you got to wait outside, guys. Thank you.

Just stand here quietly. Okay, there we go. Thanks, guys. You know what? I know you're excited about the 200th show. I'll cue you, okay? When I point to you, you know, you get the music. Guys, that was just an example pointing.

That wasn't a real point. Guys! Guys! Yeah, just. Roger, I need some help in here. Guys, just, I'll cue you when to do the celebration music and stuff, okay? I'm going to be talking about topics. And so you, guys, no, no, no, guys!

Guys! Just wait till you're told. Wow, you don't have to snap at us. I'm not snapping at you. Who built a bird's nest up your ass? God. Crap, why? Hi-oh, Harland Williams here on the Harland Highway with you.

Hello. How many you men out there like to kiss each other? Okay, hold on, hold on, don't switch the channel. Don't get homophobic on me. This isn't a gay question. This is an ethnic question. Have you noticed that a lot of men in other countries, Russia, the Middle East, Turkey, all kinds of places.

The general greeting is kissing. Okay, here in good old North America, we put out the hand and give me a handshake bill. But over there, you know over there, the men like to kiss each other on the cheek, on the mouth, on the hand. I don't know, man. And some of them do it multiple times Like you ever see these guys They go in for the kiss, right? And it's like, okay, hey, there he goes

He just kissed one side of that guy's cheek Oh, wait a minute, there he's going to the other side Why, he just went back to the other side Now he's back to the other side. They just go back and forth It's like some kind of weird, I don't know Like a mating ritual or something It's like when you see

You know, birds Doing their mating dances On the Discovery Channel You know, I agree girls and I kiss them, and I don't kiss them as much as these guys kiss each other over there. And I don't know. Do you want to be kissing another guy and your lips getting in his big greasy beard where he's been out in the field's working?

I don't know. It's not a gay thing, I'm telling you. It's just weird. I don't want to be kissing another guy's weather-beaten, sandblasted, soil of the earth, corn seeds. face you just don't know and if i have to all right one kiss is enough that's that will suffice thank you i don't need to be kissing on your face like a like a dog cleaning himself like licking his skin enough there i've said what i've had to said now give me a kiss

what give me give me oh you big babies all right well here's me sending a big kiss out to you right on your beard harlan williams full of love here on the harland highway and by the way speaking of kissing i think i i have to set the record straight a few podcasts back i did a whole spiel about kissing and and how weird it was and that we press our mouths against each other and that's where we eat we vomit and we bleed and all this stuff and i certainly didn't want to ruin kissing for anyone i didn't want people to think that uh kissing was not a good thing okay so i was just kind of observing how kind of odd it is that we put our mouths on each other but the other side is and here's the good side of it kissing is like nothing else kissing is magical kissing is beautiful. It's amazing. And as weird as it is, if you break down the logic of two human beings sticking their mouths together, their port holes together, they're eating holes together,

who cares, right? Throw all that to the wind when you are with a girlfriend or a boyfriend, whoever you happen to have in your life and you have that first kiss or you have that passionate kiss or you have that loving kiss or however you do it I don't know if anything fills your body and mind up with more splendor

it makes you feel more alive and happy and excited and when the chemistry's all there when it's all right when the person you're with and the energy that's being generated between you and that person is there and even the sense between you and that person

and the texture of their skin and the texture of their mouth and even the taste that they have. Right? And it all comes together and it's beautiful and it's divine and you almost can't stop kissing. Remember what?

when you were younger and you'd have those dates where you just you couldn't even stop you think okay we've been kissing for like three hours straight that's enough i'm gonna go no no you're right back on each other you just can't knock it off and your tongue's in there and your tongue's probably touched every tooth she has your your tongue has explored her gullible It's almost like an octopus reaching into a cave feeling around for a fish to eat, right? And your lips are chapped, and it's like you've got a ring of, you know, a ring of hot sauce around your lips. Because there's like a circle of chapped skin around your lips. And there's drool on your chin and it's dripped down onto your shirt.

And you just can't get enough. You just can't stop. You don't want it to end. And especially that first kiss, man, when you know it's coming, when you're out with your girl or a girl or a date and you're, you've been flirting, right? You've been flirting and yet you feel the energy kind of build and you're still a little uncertain. Does she want to kiss me? Because I want to kiss her. And there's that kind of uncertainty.

but you're pretty sure that she wants to do what you want to do, and you're sitting there giggling, and you start to move closer, and as you get closer, it's like a magnetic pull, and suddenly you're inches away. Maybe the tips of your noses are touching, and you're staring in each other's eyes, and your lips are right there, and you're still holding back. You're like, wait, don't do it.

You even say it out loud. You just say, not yet. Hold it right here Right here Closer Okay And then you just collide together And it's like volcanoes going off in your minds

Right Oh So there it is I didn't want to step all over Everybody's kissing party I actually talked to someone who had listened to that podcast I'm like wow man What was the deal with the kissing thing dude

yuck and i was like oh no no i can't be responsible for destroying something as beautiful as kissing i was i was kind of you know scientifically breaking down kissing and maybe maybe there's some things that you should never scientifically dissect they just are okay and i'm going to leave it there kissing is kissing and it is beautiful i'm glad you said so my name is yorky here and kiss my big greasy beard. Oh, no, you don't. Come here, kiss my face. I'm like a big grizzly bear. No, Yorgie.

Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me. Get out of here. Creepy. So, listen, this is our two hundred No, no, no, no, guys, guys, no. No, stop. Stop it. Wow, who put a drive-thru up your ass?

Nobody put anybody. Nobody put anywhere stop saying that gee don't you want to celebrate turd war yes I want to celebrate but you guys need to work with me here okay so can guys guys this is oh this is just falling apart how many of you have the new iPhone Wow. Have you seen this thing? Holy God. Welcome to the future, everybody. This thing is beautiful. What a treat this thing is. It's only one thing, though. It's got that whole TV screen going on it. You know, you turn it sideways and you can watch movies and TV and YouTube.

Remember the old days, man? You'd be at home watching TV, sitting there watching Lost or Desperate Housewives or wheel of fortune you're grooving on your favorite TV show and all of a sudden the phone rings you're right at that moment where you're about to learn the big new plot twist or somebody's going to say I love you or you're going to find out who's guilty of murder and you're watching it on your TV and all of a sudden there goes the phone there goes again there it's like oh man And you're stepping all over my TV. Be like, oh, come on, phone, what's the matter with you?

Phone, I'm watching my TV. Leave me alone. But now, what are you going to do? Who do you blame? Right? Now you'll be watching your TV on your phone, and your phone rings. And now all you can do is go, oh, come on, phone. I'm watching my phone.

Don't interrupt me. phone while I'm watching my phone don't how can you phone me when I'm watching my phone oh phone I got to talk into my TV to talk on my phone because I'm watching TV but I'm talking on my oh forget it I think I'm going to go out in the yard and bang a couple of rocks together get me back to the caveman days I'm all mixed up Yes, all mixed up indeed. Well, holy smokes, what a day, 200 episodes. I can hardly believe it.

Let's try and get the word out. Tell your friends about the Harlan Highway. We have another year ahead of us. Here's your homework, okay? That's right, I'm giving you homework. I spend a ton of time in here doing these podcasts, which I love, by the way. But let's face it, my overall objective for the podcast is not, gee, I think I'll do three podcasts a week for free and spend all this time and effort. And I hope I can make 12 people laugh.

No, no, no, no, no. What we want to do, I want this podcast to reach as many people as possible. And that's the beauty of doing it for free. Because this one's just like, it's just like hanging out with me. It's like hearing my thoughts. It's like having fun. And there's no hook to this thing. It's just free enjoyment.

Hopefully I make you laugh. That's my mission. So for that reason alone, where we live in a world where not that much stuff is free, I want people to hear it, enjoy it, have fun with it. So my homework mission to you is I want each and every one of you listening to tell at least one to five friends about the podcast. Is that too much to ask? Is that too much of a demand?

I want your friends and your family and people you know to enjoy the laughs, enjoy the good time, to get on the Harland Highway and roll along with us. And then hopefully they'll tell two friends and you get what I'm doing here. You see where I'm going. Want to share.

I want to share the fun with everybody. So there you go. 200 episodes after 200 rides down the Harlan Highway, I've finally given you a task. It's all up to you now. I'm going to be watching the numbers to see if they multiply. In reality, you don't have to do a damn thing. That's the beauty of this being free.

But if you find it in your heart and you do want to share the laughter with some friends or family, it would be fantastic if you could, you know, let them know about the Harlan Highway. So like I said, here's the 200 more. And now this time I am going to bring the guys. in and have them play us out that traditional wonderful Scottish bagpipe music and let's get them in here guys come on in come on guys guys where the hell of the guy what they left me a note let me see the hell does this say dear Harlan nice podcast ass. Up yours.

We're down at O'Hulahans getting hammered and having chicken wings. You're not invited. Wow. Oh, my God. Well, see, you can never make everybody happy. What, there's another letter? Why'd they leave another letter? Okay, what is it? P.S. Up yours, really hard and really deep. Now, come on, that's just getting mean.

I thought the other one was a bit of a gag, a bit of a goof. Come on, Roger. Sorry. Not really. What do you mean there's another one? Give me the next one. What the hell does this say? This is...

When we say up yours, we mean go buy a fence post at Home Depot and shove it way up. Come on! Enough of this. Doing this for free, for God's see. sakes i don't need this abuse at least i got my faithful listeners who appreciate me i hope oh god it's not getting any easier so here we go 200 more and until next time a great big celebratory bowl of chicken chow main baby and up your bowl of chowmaine come on God!

Have a really nice day today, folks. You deserve it.