The Harland Highway - PODCAST 201

Episode Date: December 8, 2010

Credit card swipes, accents, voice mail, bacon, tractors, and a visit from a zoo keeper. Lovely lump meat!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We will, we will podcast. We will, we will podcast. Okay, how lame was that clapping. Holy God, it was like one guy clapping to that song. That was just weak. What a weak way to start the podcast. I apologize for that. Wow.

But don't let that be your bronch. Okay, it's going to get better, I promise, because we are going to be talking about bacon. Yeah, I said bacon, okay? Yeah, put that in your... And smoke it. Smoke your bacon. We're going to be talking about bacon. We have a special guest coming in from the Denver Zoo today.

He's bringing an animal into the studio for us to look at and talk about. That should be fun. We're going to be delving into accents, the different accents that people have around the world and around America. We're going to be talking about machinery and tractors. It sounds boring, but I think there's a fascination there that we're all in denial about. Big rigs and tractors. We're going to be listening to voicemails, and we're going to be dealing with a topic that is confounding and troubling to all of us, a piece of modern technology that I bet you hate as much as I do.

But then again, let's not be haters, because it's time to feel the love right here on the Harland Highway! Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hi, I'm Jackie Wanna Play. Please go away and leave me alone. You just made a wrong turn. onto the Harland Highway You're going

Love the show You're hilarious My blanche and my blue blanket You're riding down The Harlan Highway It's the Harland Highway It's the Harland Highway Have you checked the children

Harland Williams Here with you on the Harlan Highway And I don't know Is this a complaint or is it not a complaint? Why did bacon have to be one of the best tasting things on the planet? God, we love bacon, don't we?

Give me some bacon. I want some bacon, baby. Oh, man, just those big strips of fat sizzling in the pan. I even like the way it sounds when it's cooking. Listen to that. Listen to that sizzle. Oh, just hearing that sizzle makes me almost be able to smell. Probably the worst thing in the world for us humans.

But yet it's one of the tastiest. We cannot not eat bacon. Oh, I love the way it smells. I want to put strips of it under my armpits. I'm throwing away my deodorant. Every morning I'm going to put a bacon strip under each armpit. Just walk around smelling good. Hey, Harlan, you smell delicious.

Hey, thanks, man. What's that, Harlan's wearing? He smells delicious. Hmm. I want to go have breakfast with him. Yeah, that's because I smell like maple cured bacon, baby. Ooh, I'll leave my husband for you. I want to lick your armpits.

You bet your sweet bacon, you do, baby. Yeah. Oh. You just know every time you eat. Bacon, your heart's closing another valve. Oh, that was some good bacon. Why am I having trouble breathing, though? Maybe I better have another bacon sandwich

and help my respiratory system. We eat enough bacon so our respiratory system so clogged up with gunk, we start breathing. But we start to sound like a pig. I see you've been eating too much bacon there, George. Yeah, you better trim back. I ain't stopping, man. I'm going to eat the bacon.

I'm going to pour hot fat into a can and save it for a cold winter's day and eat it like a popsicle. Mm-hmm. Loves me some bacon. Let's all get together and making bacon. here on the Harland Highway. Wee.

You are not in Kansas anymore. No, you're not in Kansas anymore. You're on a city street is where you are. Now, you're asking yourself, how do these two things relate? Well, here we go. This is kind of an interesting story to me. Tell me what you think.

I'm walking along the street the other day. It's a sunny day. I'm out for a walk. And I come by kind of a construction zone, okay? So I'm allowed to walk on the sidewalk, but right there on the road, they're digging her up. And aren't they always doing that in the cities, right? So I'm about to walk by,

and I see one of these guys in one of these medium-sized, like, backhoe tractors. You know what I mean? It's like the front part of the thing. If you're driving forward, it's like a plow, it's a scoop. But what happens is these guys, they sit in the cab and they can turn around backwards, and the backside of these things are like backhose. And they have like a big scoop on the back.

You know, when I say big scoop, I mean like really big with the teeth in the front, right? And there's like a bucket and it can dig a. got big holes in the ground. And so I started watching this stuff. I don't know why. I think a lot of guys have this fixation, this fascination with machines, with tools, with the trucks. And so I started watching this thing digging.

And, you know, I look at the actual vehicle the guys in, and he's sitting in a tractor. But these arms, these protrusions come out of the side of the tractor. and they're touching the ground and they lift the back end of the tractor up off the pavement so that the back wheels are suspended in mid-air and then the guy operating the thing is sitting in kind of like an encased glass cage and he's looking out and he's kind of up in the air

and he's working the levers with his hands and he's digging and he's scooping and everything around. he's surrounded in a blanket of mechanical things and machinery and he's got these extended mechanical arms and all i can think of was that creepy guy from avatar out there beyond that fence every living thing that crawls flies or squats in the mud wants to kill you and eat your eyes for jujubis you remember at the end of the movie when he when he's running around inside that uh that robot like machine right he's in that thing and it mimics his movements his arms his legs and at the very end of the movie

he has the final like pretty much a fist fight with some of the avatars or whatever the hell they are the giant stretchy smurfs you know and I'm watching this guy in this backhoe and this bulldozer or whatever it is and I'm just thinking I'm picturing all the noises and I'm watching them dig and everything's moving and all the pieces and parts and he's lifting up giant chunks of concrete and I'm just waiting for an avatar to, you know, jump over the deli

or come charging out of Burger King and start to do battle with this guy you know, on this dangerous foreign planet called Main Street, right? And all the noises, the election, and all the noises, the election, and... The thing's making noises, and it's moving, and the guy's sliding up and down.

And I'm just standing there like there's a hypnotist dingling an amulet or a charm in front of my face. I'm just like in a trance, machines, tractors, you know. But I really kind of broke down the technology of this thing, this apparatus. as this contraption. And I'm like, what a marvel. Like, we are pretty damn smart. We are pretty ingenious. The things we create.

And not only do all these moving parts work, but the things they can accomplish. I mean, have you ever tried to lift up a big heavy rock or a chunk of pavement? And this thing just effortlessly, like, digs into, like, four feet of cement and lifts it up and moves it and moves it and... Takes it over, dumps it in the back of a dump truck.

And we just, we forget about all these moving parts all around us, but at the end of the day, the guy looked like the guy in the avatar thing. And I thought, man, we're not that far off from the planet of whatever it was, Moby or wherever they were. Smurfville, I don't know. You are on Pandora. Ladies and gentlemen, respect that fact. So anyways, it's just a little observation I thought I'd share with you.

You know, next time you're walking down the street, you see a big tractor, a backhoe, or a steamroller. Don't take it for granted. Just stop and take it in and look at it. Watch it. Look at all the moving parts. I have a feeling you'll be fascinated. But excuse me, I've got to go.

I see a piece of tinfoil blowing down. Elma Street. Hello. Hey, you're listening to Harlan Williams here on the Harlan Highway, and we have a special guest in the studio today with us. It's David Waterson from the Denver, Colorado Zoo, and you brought a little pet for us to look at today. Yes, Harlan, it's absolutely wonderful. We've bought a wonderful Portuguese.

land tortoise. A land tortoise? Portuguese land tortoise. Oh, so from Portugal. Actually, Holland is the film's Netherlands. I don't know why they call it the Portuguese land tortoise. That's what they call it. Okay, yeah, that's a little weird. So, uh, let's get it out. Yes, let's pull the, let me pull the torches out of the box. Highland, here, geez. Look at these beautiful markings, the wonderful assortment of colors on the outer shell. Well, I gotta be honest, it looks a little just brown to me. Yes, brown, but the lighting is not good in here. But it's wonderful rainbow colors.

I don't know. I don't see one color, really. I see brown. Yes, but if you turn the lights up a bit, you'll see all kinds of wonderful reflective colors, glistening in the lights and dancing. It's like a diamond on the woman's fingers. Okay, I'm turning on the lights. No, look at that. It's still brown. Well, maybe you're not good hollands, but it is a wonderful brown Portuguese tortoise, and it comes from the Netherlands, and it lives in the marshy areas near the marshes and the swamps and so on, and Vatmarth and the likings. Wait a minute, I thought he said it's a desert tortoise, so why would it be living in near water or a marshy area? because it's Portuguese.

It's Portuguese and it lives in Norway. Exactly, Holland. Oh, boy. Okay, does it do anything? I mean, it's just kind of sitting here, staring around the room like a dumbass. Harlan, please don't call the tortoise name. She does not like it.

It's a tortoise. It can't hear me. Harlin, please don't call the good tortoise's name. She does not like it. Okay, relax. Is he going to eat something? Yes, he loves to eat. What is he, grapes or little worms or something?

I know, Holland. She likes to eat pants. What? She likes to eat cordalite trousers like the ones you're wearing. Don't let him get too close. Look out, Holland. Oh, my goodness. He's ripped your pants off.

Okay, are you kidding me, man? This thing just tore my pants off. Yes, and I noticed you have a very tiny little... Hey, hey, hey, whoa. What are you doing looking there? Give me my pants, Get him from that tortoise. Harlem, once the tortoise decides to eat, you cannot take it back.

He will chew you alive. Okay, well, I'm going to get my pants back from the Portuguese land tortoise. Yes, Holland, lower your voice. He's sensitive. This is ridiculous. Quiet, Holland. No, I'm not going to be quiet. This is your dumb-ass tortoise just ate my pants. I'm going to throw to something.

Get my pants back and we'll be back more with the zoo guy. Thank you, Holland. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order, doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off,

one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Good eye, mate. How are you? Good on you, mate. Good on you, mate. Good on you. Yeah, you ever meet anyone with an accent here in America? Or you have a friend who has an accent. And you notice you find yourself slipping into it.

For some reason, you want to connect with these people. You meet an Australian guy in the first thing. Oh, gooday, mate. How are you? Throw another shrimp on the bobby. And they're just in their head. They're going, oh, God, this bloody American. They're not even shrimp.

We call them prones and Aussie. Dumbass. You meet a British person and you're like, Oh, hello, I say, loved you to meet you. Cheerio. Or even if you're in America and you meet someone from like kind of the south or the Midwest, you're like, hey, how you doing, man? Listen, y'all got gasoline?

Yeah, I got to fill up my truck here. So y'all got some unladed around I could have. You know sometimes when someone has an accent, you start talking louder? I give it to, let's say, a guy who's a guy who's a guy who's, You got broken English, a Chinese guy. Yeah, I come to fix your sprinkler. You got broken sprinkler I fix. And you're like, yes, the sprinkler is out in the yard.

Yeah, it's buried in the grass. Do you understand the sprinkler is out with the grass? Because it waters the grass. Yeah, I know a sprinkler is dumbass. I fish sprinkler every day, stupid. Terriaki. And then all you wish sometimes you want to. an accent.

I mean, we just talk kind of like the way we talk. We're just kind of straightforward. I guess to other countries, we sound like we have an accent, but wouldn't it be fun if we just had weird accents the way we talked? Instead of just talking normally,

we had all kinds of little infections and things like that. Where are you from? I'm from America. This is an American accent. Oh, uh, throw another shrimp on the Barbie doll. Maybe we just better keep talking the way it is, huh?

I'm probably barely getting through as it is, right, people? That's right, Harlan. You are really getting through to us, even when you talk normal. Okay. Well, I'll keep it simple here on the Harlan Highway. And by the way, something that isn't simple, that should be simple, okay?

Can anyone concur with me here? Do you know what that word is? Concur? Yeah, it's an Indian spice you put on chicken. Yes, I'll have some more chicken concur, please. Give me some more concur. Here's something that should be simple, but is continuously, continuously, I can't even speak now.

Maybe you should do an accent, mate. Shut up. You shut up, yours. Okay, gather my thoughts. Here we go. Something that should be completely simple that I cannot figure out for the life of me. Maybe you can. Have you ever had to, and I know you have had to, swipe your damn credit card or your ATM card or stick it in a slot?

Okay? How many times have you come up to a stupid credit card? or ATM machine and you slide your card in backwards you slide your card in sideways you slide your car in upside your card in upside down I mean good lord you're trying to get out of an electronic automated parking garage you stick the thing in wrong let's see magnetic strip black Let's see, I put it this way. No, no, not that way. How about upside down?

What if I cut it in half? No, what if I rub it on my foot and kick it? Ow! Are you kidding me? I hate those stupid machines. Can there not just be one uniform machine? So it's always done the same way, the same side. And I won't even care if my credit card said this side.

Stop, stupid. Okay, I wouldn't care if there was a big, giant diagram of an idiot, a big, big giant font. Hold your card this side, stupid. Because that's what I feel like. I feel like a dumb-ass idiot. I'm not kidding, every third or fourth time I go to swipe my card, whether it's at Home Depot, or I'm getting movie tickets from an automated movie ticket machine or I'm sliding my card at the grocery store

or I'm getting money from the ATM or I'm paying for parking. I never get it right. And then you always get this humiliation, right? You're at the cashier and this is where you really feel like you're in grade two, right? The cashier goes, Oh, you want to just swipe that?

You know what? Here, let me do it for it. Here, just... And they just grab your card, and they're standing backwards in the other way, and they're stretching over your groceries, and they might as well have a blindfold on. Oh, thank you.

That's how you do it. And they're just like, uh-huh. Oh, God. Can there be something different than swiping? Can we just press a button? Can we do something? Can we just have voice recognition? Yes, I'm paying for this.

My name is Harlan Williams. Ring me up! Because I don't want to swipe anymore. The only swipe I want to make is I want to take a swipe at the doorknob that invented the swiping card, business magnetic stripe crap. Come here! Hold still, you son of a bitch.

Come here, you inventor of the swiper. Justice is served. Oh. Now I feel swiped out after all that. Okay, we're back, and I'm sitting here without any pants on because we got our friend from the zoo here, and he brought a Portuguese land tortoise, Apparently they like to eat pants, and he ate my pants.

Yes, Harlan, you ate your pants with trousers. Yeah, I know that. I'm sitting here naked. Yes, and I know that you have a very small... Hey, easy. And stop staring down there. I'm sorry, Harlan, it's just I've never seen one. So, quiet. It's not that small.

I don't know about that, Holland. Yeah, well, just run out in the hall and get me a towel. I cannot leave you alone with the Portuguese... Land tortoise, Holland, it leads you alive, it will chew you up. It's a stupid turtle, and it would... Stop making names to the turtle. He doesn't like it, it's sensitive. Oh, this is just sad.

I'm trapped in my office with no pants and a weird... I don't know where you're from, dude. I'm from Southeast Asia, Holland. Of course you are, and you're Portuguese turtles from the Netherlands. Correct, Colin. I just, I'm trapped in here with you idiots. If anyone's listening, please send help. I'm...

Do you like me to hold you, Harlan? I can give you some body heat. Get away from me. I could bring the turtle, too. Get away. It's Harlan Williams. Oh, boy. Okay.

Turtle, turtle. Um, shifting gears here. Getting away from the... Portuguese land tortoise. How many of you are I-padding? How many of you are I patting it up? I want to let you know because I don't think a lot of people know this yet, but my book, my hilarious, or so they tell me, thank you very much,

book is now available on the iPad. My book is called The Things You Don't Know, You Don't Know, and the book is just chock full of bizarre, twisted, and silver, little slices of knowledge that you did not know. Like, did you know that people with tracheotomies are just land dolphins? Hmm. Did you know that marshmallows are just ghost turds? Things like that.

A whole book full of them. A lot of ink-de-dotes. And things to keep you chuckling as you read before you go to bed at night. And speaking of keeping you chit-cha-cha-chut. Don't forget everybody that I will be in Seattle, Washington, at the old comedy club called The Parlor, and that will be Thursday, December 9th through the 11th. December 9th through the 11th. You can go to Harland Williams.com.

Check on my comedy schedule, my stand-up schedule, and get all the information. tickets and showtimes. It's a great club, great town, great city. It's my last live stand-up gig of the year. So if you're in the neighborhood, drop by. And don't forget to drop by the harlunwilliams.com store. We've still got all kinds of hilarious CDs, books, movies, T-shirts, and quirky little things that I've made myself,

one-of-a-kind items that I think will give you a laugh. We have an almond-covered dolphin for sale. We have an American bald eagle covered with fruit loops and sugar smacks. We've got a baptism scene where the proud parents and the priest have sugar smacks and corn pops on their heads. We only have one of each item, so they're going pretty much. fast so uh you know if you want uh something fun unusual that promises to put a smile on your face for christmas check out the harland highway um or sorry the harland williams uh com web store okay and um and uh get some fun stuff i can't believe christmas is coming soon um wow we're gonna start

into some Christmas stuff here pretty soon on the podcast. We're going to have Christmas carols. We're going to have, you know, maybe Mrs. Claus is going to drop by. The new Mrs. Claus. We're going to be doing the Christmas Day parade that we do every year. John and John will be here doing the commentary. Same guys that did the commentary on the Thanksgiving Day parade. Hopefully we have a good parade this year on the Harlan High.

highway all kinds of fun stuff um so i just thought i'd drop that bug in your ear and uh get you all fired up so enough announcements let's get back to the giggles hey this is harland williams and what a cool week i'm having here on the harland highway uh i asked a few of you to uh call in to my answering machine and leave me a message and tell me what you thought of the show well i got some great messages from people who liked me and didn't like me and i want to thank all of you for calling in you're what makes this job fun here's one i i think you'd like to hear boy this one really stroked my ego i mean just when i'm thinking i'm so great uh someone just says something that makes me feel even better i mean this is oh i love this stuff listen to this i quite frankly

think you're an idiot but i like the music wow i'm sorry you you think i'm a what you're an idiot a what you're an idiot no you got me mixed up with someone else i'm a genius you're an idiot genius you're an idiot okay is there anything you like about my show i like the music okay you like the music but what about me you're an idiot hey you know what what's your name man frank who frank who Who? Frank. Okay, Frank. If you think this show is great, let me hear you say aye.

Aye. And if you're going to listen faithfully, let me hear you say aye. Aye. And if I wanted to poke you in the face with a stick, what part of your face should I poke you in? Aye. Ha, ha. Gotcha, sucker. I quite frankly think you're an idiot. Yeah, but you're listening to the show.

So what does that make you, Frank? An idiot. Ha, ha! We're all idiots. Keep it right here. Here, on the idiotic Harland Highway. Oh, I love it. I love it that the guy likes the music. It's like, okay, every now and then I play like a song, like a silly song,

or I play like some obscure artist that most of you have probably never heard of, or I do a song that maybe me and my cousin did for fun. and in some of the bits that I do, as you can hear, I lay down music, background music, things like that. So I'm glad Frank likes the music. But, you know, you'd think maybe he'd just, like, listen to his playlist, his MP3s or something. Go listen to your iPod. Why have all my talking interfere with your music? But, hey, who cares?

I love it that he called. He's entitled to do his opinion. And he may be right. I may just well be an idiot. I don't know. I'll let you be the judge. But please feel free to call and tell me what you think. I'm at 323-215-14-86.

3-23-215-14-86. And you can leave your comments, your assessments, whatever you like. I like hearing it. Good, bad, and ugly. It's a lot of fun. And look, we all know everything I say isn't going to make you smile, laugh, everything I might have an opinion on you might not agree with,

but that's what makes it interesting. I think if everything was just exactly the way you wanted it, you'd be bored, pantless. and a Portuguese land tortoise would bite you right in the hell. Well, there you go. It's time for me, like any other land tortoise, to crawl into my shell. We are done for today. Today's podcast is finito.

But I want to thank you for being here. Like I said, we're gearing up for the holidays. Christmas is coming. and we're going to have a lot of fun. So keep the highway moving. Make sure you tell your friends about the Harland Highway. We want to keep expanding. We want to start to create traffic jams.

And don't forget, folks. Until next time, chicken, chow, main, baby! I quite frankly think you're an idiot, but I like the music.