The Harland Highway - PODCAST 202

Episode Date: December 10, 2010

Fist pounding, celebrity Xmas carols, violent theme parks, celebrity races, catching the flu, bullies. Pardon my garden!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Here I am. Rock me like a podcast. Yeah. Here I am. Here I am. And I'm rocking your podcast. It's the Harlan Highway. Hello, my friends. I'm Harlan Williams. Thanks for riding down the highway again today. It's another beautiful day. Today is the first day of the rest of your wife. What? today we're going to be touching on some kind of serious topics we're going to be talking about the whole bullying epidemic and i have some interesting theories on why bullying maybe isn't necessarily the worst thing in the world hear me out hear what i have to say see what you think uh we're going to be talking about fist bumps um we have a celebrity christmas caroler coming into the studio today should be fun i don't know who it is just yet, but we'll find out. We're going to the Celebrity Racetrack,

the Harland Highway Celebrity Racetrack. We have a race today, some great celebrities. We're going to be talking about the flu as we get into flu season and violence at theme parks. Maybe everything isn't all right in the Magic Kingdom. Wait, you hear what one of the Disney characters did to one of the Touri. But I'm not doing anything but good stuff. right here on the Harland Highway.

Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hi, I'm Jackie want to play. Please go away and leave me alone. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Man, keep it going. Love the show. You're hilarious. My blanche! My blue blanket. Give me my blue blanket.

Passing your seat, though. You're riding down the Harlan Highway. It's the Haarland Highway. Have you checked the children? Hey, Harlan. Love everything about you. Speaking of your sex stories, in the bathroom of Barnes & Noble,

where there's only three stalls, and we ended up getting the one that was bust, or one that worked, the one next door was busted. So by the time my lady friend and I were finished, there was a line out the door, and it was awfully embarrassing walking out. And then a gentleman tried to sell a TV before we could leave.

Sorry, I'm nervous. I just think you're awesome, love everything about this podcast is great, and the raspberry eyes was terribly funny. Thank you. Goodbye. Oh, don't you hate that? You make love in a public bathroom or at a bookstore or Barnes & Noble, and on the way out, they try to sell you some CDs. God, the nerve.

Hilarious. And in case you're wondering, he made a mention to Raspberry Eyes. If you go to Harlandhighway.com to the website, you can actually see a clip. It's kind of a thing that went down when I visited Tom Green's talk show. And I won't say anymore. You just got to go see it. It's a clip of me and Tom.

And it's the only talk show interview I think I've ever done where I lost it and just kind of went into a giggle fit. It's one of those clips that you kind of start laughing just watching it because everyone else starts laughing. So check it out at harlandhighway.com. Good afternoon, everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. I'm Charles Parsley.

Welcome to the Harland Highway. Celebrity Racetrack. Today we have Share in Gate 1, Boxer champion Mike Tyson in Gate 2, Mark Wahlberg in Gate 3 and Robert Redford in Great 4. There they are. They're jostling in the gate. They're waiting for that trumpet to sound. And the Gate, they will have a fantastic race today. And here we go. And there they go. They're off. They are off. The celebrities are on the run. The celebrities are on the run. and here comes Cher, share, trotting down the track in a dainty gallop,

tearing up the mud as she goes. She's wearing a fantastic, some kind of giant feathered costume. She seems to be blocking the way for Mike Tyson who's coming in behind. Mike Tyson, boxer extraordinaire, the tattoo on his face glistening in the sunlight. Robert Redford coming up behind in a steady pace

and Mark Wahlberg, superstar actor-producer Mark Wahlberg tearing down the track and Mark Wahlberg is stopped. He's stopped in front of the fans and he's glaring at them with that expressionless smirk on his face. He's just staring them down, challenging them to come out of the stands and perhaps pick with him and there goes Robert Redford. Robert Redford is picked up the pace. He's going down the track. And Mike Tyson still trying to get around Cher and a fantastic costume that is spreading out across the track. blocking his way. Mike Tyson is getting irritated. He runs up behind there. He punches Cher in the back of the head. Sherer's turn around, a look of nothing on her

face because she can't move her face mice or muscles. Mike Tyson punches Sherr in the face. Her face does not move. He punches her again. One, two, three, a four-punch combination and an uppercut. Cher's face is immobile. It has not changed expression. Mark Wahlberg's face does not change the expression. He stands there glaring at the crowd with all this commotion. Robert Redford has made a move. His wrinkled skin starting to slip off his body. His wrinkled aged skin starting to peel off his body. His skeleton starting to emerge from his own skin. Tyson and Cher still having it out. Tyson punches away, but nothing moves on Chair. Warbock still staring. It looks like Robert Redford's skeleton has left his skin. It's still. It's

Robert Redford Skeleton headed for the finish line, and Robert Redford Skeleton. Wins by a long shot, and Cher and Mike Tyson still punching away, and Mark Wahlberg just glaring blindly into the audience. We hope you enjoyed today's celebrity races. I'm Charles Parsley. We'll see you next time at the Holland Highway Celebrity Racetrack.

Yeah. It's flu season, people. Are you getting ready? Oh, gosh, flu season. You know how it works. You shake someone's hand, and it's all sweaty and slimy, and then you rub your eyes or you pick your nose. Next thing you know, the virus is in you.

You've got the flu, man. And then you're down for, like, nine days. Just feeling like a slimy, slingering, slungering, sleeky slonky slug oh man that was a long way to go to say slug but I did it and do you go for the flu shot

huh is that thing a little weird to you people or is it just me I mean they're taking like a live flu virus and shoving it in your arm and pushing in the flu with a needle how somebody tell me how that stopped the flu um hey man i don't want to get the flu so could you give me the flu so i don't get the flu

sure ow ow isn't that weird it's like going up to a guy with a gun hey man would you mind shoot me with your gun so i don't get killed when you shoot me later okay thanks man i don't know I guess it works, right? I guess the process is they inject you with a live active flu virus and your body assimilates and creates some kind of anti-venom or I don't know. I'm not a doctor, people. That's right, I said anti-venom. I don't have a clue what I'm talking about.

But it's fun, isn't it? You're listening to Harlan Williams. Eject yourself with flu. I'm going to stick with laughter as they. the best medicine. That's what I'm going to do. And again, I'm no doctor, but let me share my experience with you, okay? Like most of you, I probably got the flu like once a year, sometimes twice a year, or what have you, and it sucks. It knocks on your ass for a week or two weeks. And I don't know,

you know, I meet a lot of people. I get a lot of random people walking up to me more than the average person because people recognize me and they want to shake my hand hey what's up hey i love your movies you know that stuff right which is a kick it's a thrill i like seeing people excited but what i realized is i'm shaking a lot of hands and i don't know where these hands have been and i don't know who these hands belong to and yada yada yada and it's flu season and it's a scientific fact that the flu virus gets transmitted from touching, from skin on skin, and I'm not one of these germophobes like Howie Mandel. I'm not like I can't touch a doorknob or anything like that, but I started doing the fist pumping thing, or not pumping the fist pounding thing,

right, where instead of shaking hands, you just kind of clench your fist and kind of pound the other person's fist, okay? and I've been doing this now for maybe two years I started to make it a practice. And I've got to tell you, I have not been getting the flu the way I used to. Now, whether this is just a random fluke or not, I don't know. But it feels like by eliminating the handshake, I've cut out a lot of the risk of acquiring the flu virus. so since it seems to be one of the most predominant ways you can get it um i don't know i don't know if it's just random luck i don't know if it's just weird timing that i haven't been getting it as

much but you know what i'm i'm saying it right here right now we should all be doing the fist pump thing or fist pound right because if we know if we know it's a scientific fact that we transmit the flu by touching and shaking hands and like I said if you shake someone's hand who has the flu the bacteria gets on your fingers you rub your eye nose or mouth boom chances are you get it at least that's what I've been told that's what I've read okay there might be some flu doctor listening right now going this guy's a mental case the hell is he talking about you can only get the flu from a toilet seat what the hell is this guy an idiot where'd they go to dry so anyways i'm thinking you know since it's such a huge epidemic

since the taxpayers have to pay for flu shots since it knocks people on their ass since it makes us feel miserable since it's dangerous to pass viruses on it knocks people out of the workplace it causes our economy to suffer as well as people suffer physically shouldn't the government like instead of spending you know money on commercials going bullying is mean when you bully people it hurts

bullying's just stop bullying it's like great we get it but you know what it's part of humanity every generation is going to get bullied yeah it's wrong it's stupid it should stop it never will and at a primal

level it's probably part of creating a pecking order in society. All right, if you break it down, you ever watch a nature show? You ever see in a bird's nest, very often the bigger bird will push the little bird right out of the nest.

Or when wild animals are suckling, it's the more dominant animal that gets to the mother's teat. When animals are wrestling, you know, lion cubs and wolf cubs and bear cubs are wrestling. It's always the bigger, pushier guy that gets the scraps of food. And in essence, it's the way it works with humans.

We are humans. We grow up. We develop. And we create a pecking order. And as savage and brutal and kind of unfair as it seems, I hate to say it, and I'm not a psychologist, but I have a feeling that bullying is part of what sorts that whole mess out. Okay? I'm going to get back to the fist pounding thing, but now I'm off on the bullying thing. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes.

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So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back. So we've all been bullied, and bullying kind of creates the hierarchy. Now, it is tragic when someone gets bullied to the point that they can't cope and they take their own lives. But to completely eliminate bullying from society, I don't know. I don't know if that would actually have a negative effect.

Because once again, it probably goes against our primal urges, you know. And there's people probably saying, this guy's a moron. he's promoting bullying I'm not promoting bullying I'm just saying it's part of it's part of the human existence it's part of growing it's part of maturing

and it sucks believe me I was bullied when I was a kid I went to an all boys boarding school for three years you want to talk about bullying you want to talk about being cornered and beat up and punched and, you know, I got my ass bullied off. Believe me.

I hated it. But I'll tell you one thing, the bullying probably strengthened me in a way. You know, it kind of gave me a thicker skin. It taught me how to stand up for myself. And if nothing else, it helped me kind of polish my sense of humor and my wit, because that became my weapon in a boarding school where it was a bunch of cranked up young men and boys on their adolescent pheromones and their hormones

and believe me, there was a lot of fist flying and posturing and egos and, you know, you got kicked around at an all-boys boarding school, man. And I was a scrawny little kid, And so guess what I did to combat the bullying? I would bully people back with my voice, with my mind. I had to sharpen my wit. I had to sharpen my ability to out-talk and out-maneuver and out-think the bullies.

And it worked. I mean, I had guys that were afraid to pick on me because they knew the ramifications would be a hell of a lot worse when, you know, I whipped up the rest of the school into calling them a nickname. Or I could make them look stupid in a crowd because, you know, they'd start trying to, you know, go head to head with me and I could kind of shoot them down

kind of the way I do when I'm at a comedy club and I get a heckler, right? So it's probably the same thing. But in a way, bullying can give you a backbone. But, of course, the downside is bullying can also knock people right down and out for good. So here's, let me surmise with the bullying thing, just so people aren't like, oh, God, he loves the bullying. I don't love the bullying. I wish there wasn't bullying.

There is bullying. And I have a sneaky reason. I have a sneaky feeling. There's a reason somewhere in there for the bullying as far as human development goes. human society. We learn young how to cope. We learn young about pecking orders and power and structure and the class system and society. And look, nothing in life is easy.

Most things in life hurt, even love, okay? And growing up and going through adolescence and childhood, it's not all for, Ferris wheels and chocolate brownies, man. In fact, I dare to say it might even be healthy for a kid to take a ding here and there. Because it grows a thick skin, it helps prepare you. And, you know, those are my thoughts on it. Now, getting back to the fist pound thing, okay? Instead of wasting money on a lot of these commercials where, you know, the bullying or, you know, David Schwimmer tells us that it's not good to eat too many vegetables or there's, you know, Charlie's Angels telling us we shouldn't run by the swimming pool and, you know, all these you need to know crap things.

shouldn't the government put some money into a campaign, an advertising campaign, an awareness campaign, where they go, look, shaking hands can spread a flu or the flu, which, by the way, claims thousands of lives every year. I don't know what the numbers are, but thousands of people die from the flu every year in America. So what I'm saying, why don't they create a campaign with it saying, you know what, handshaking isn't required anymore? You don't need to handshake anymore. What you need to do is when you see someone and you want to greet them and you feel the need to make contact,

just do that quick little fist pound. And that way you're not exchanging sweaty palm oil and microbobacterias and things of the like. It's still a greeting, it's still an acknowledgement, you're still making flesh contact, but I don't know anyone who rubs their eyes, picks their nose, or picks their teeth with their knuckles. So you've just reduced the odds of getting the flu

if that's, in fact, how it's transmitted skin to skin. Okay? Also, it looks a little cooler. And B, think of it. Shaking someone's hand is a little weird. you know what do they do with that hand i think you know just ask yourself what do you do with your hand yeah what have you touched what do you do i don't even want to get into it i think you know what you do with your hand and guess what we all do it and here you are putting it in someone

else's hand i know i'm getting creeping everyone out but you know from what i understand And the handshake came from, the origin of the handshake came from way back in the day when mankind was always at war with someone else. One tribe or one race or one class was always fighting with another. People carried swords. They carried weapons. And as a way to show that there was no weapon in their hand, enemies or people greeting each other would extend their hand.

as a way of saying, hey, look, there's nothing in my hand, we're cool, let's shake. Okay? Well, people don't walk around with swords anymore, and, you know, we're not that kind of society. So let's put the money into something useful, okay? Let's promote the fist pump. Why do I keep saying pump? Bump, the fist bump, the fist pound. It's not a pump.

Thank you. You're welcome. And maybe, just maybe we'll cut back on the whole flu virus, okay? The whole flu epidemic. Wow, that was a long one, folks. For those of you that stayed with me, thank you. I just spewed my theories about bullying and saving humanity from the deadly wrath of the flu virus. Wow I think we better get right back into something else

and lighten the load right now Ah-choo! Oh boy, trouble in Disneyland. Yeah, you're here on the Harlan Highway, and I said it. Did you hear about this kid? There was a family posing for a picture with one of the beloved Disneyland characters.

Tigger, you know Tigger. Apparently he was posing for a picture and I guess I don't know maybe one of the kids gused him or pulled his tail or whatever he turned around and clocked one of the kids right in the face Oh imagine that man snuggling up to old tigger and he does a Bruce Lee on your ass Oh, man, what's next, man? You know, you're at Disneyland and you're looking for the bathroom and you take a round turn down on an alleyway, and there's Winnie the Pooh with a gun or a switchblade?

Oh, excuse me. Could I have your wallet so I could go and buy some more, honey? Oh, God. What do we do when cartoon characters go violent? Imagine that? You're a chick at a bar and Eeyore starts hitting on you? Hey baby, what's your sign? I don't really care.

Let's just get in the back of my convertible and have salacious sex. I don't do doggy style, but I do do donkey style. Excuse me, but do you mind if I watch? I'm bouncy, trouncy, trouncy, trouncy, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun. I'll have an or G with anyone. Ah, yes, Disneyland, the happiest place on Earth. You know what else is the happiest place on Earth? All of Earth at Christmas time.

It gets very happy. Everyone gets in a good mood. Everyone feels good, right? And I guess my producers, as a way to promote the cheer as we get closer to the big day coming up very soon they thought we should have a celebrity

in to sing famous Christmas songs and I was like all for it until I found out who they got and oh God this is just going to be let me just get to it

they decided to get a dead guy okay they decided nobody sings Christmas songs better than Bing Crosby So they dug him up And here he is in studio Here to sing some Christmas songs

Hello Mr. Crosby Hello, hi, I'm How are you, I guess? Well, I'm doing pretty good Ha-b-B-B-B-B-B-B-B- Okay, are you drunk, sir? Wow, so you're dead

and you're drunk. Hello, Harlan. Okay. What are you going to sing? How about a holiday classic, Harlan? How about White Christmas? Okay, how about it? Let's...

Wow. Okay, here we go. Bing Crosby, Merry Christmas, everybody. Bing Crosby singing White Christmas. I'm dreaming. of a fine Christmas, just like the one I used to know when the bells are ringing and sound. I'm dreaming of a wide Christmas. Just like the one I used to know.

Oh, God. Great, you've puked all over my studio. Unbelievable. Oh, God. Well, happy Christmas, here we go. Bing Crosby, folks, thanks for listening. We'll catch you next time. Don't forget to check out Stitcher.com so you can hear the podcast on your cell phone.

It's a free app at Stitcher.com. Check out the websites, fudgefilm.com, Harlandhighway.com, and Harlandwiliams.com, for all your Christmas shopping needs. Check out our web store. And thanks for coming along for the ride here today. catch you next time and until then oh god chicken chalemain everybody hello

hello harland this is Sean Keane calling uh okay what's going on man I choked on my own vomit it's my fault I was eating it too fast what what the hell are you talking about

man. Thank you. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. Thank you.