The Harland Highway - PODCAST 203

Episode Date: December 13, 2010

Positive people, Cameras, Dr. Ascot, putting up Xmas lights, and listener voice mail request. Blubbery balls of blongo meat!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In the jungle, the quiet jungle, the podcast sleeps tonight. In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the podcast sleeps tonight. Ooh, ooh, yeah, um, my way. All right, all right, God. The hell's wrong with me. Oh, God. Dillweed. Well, maybe I'm just excited.

I don't want you to be sleeping in the jungle or anywhere else. This podcast is going to keep you awake. Believe me, there is some exciting stuff in this podcast. We're going to be talking about putting up your Christmas lights. We're going to be talking about positive people. People who are positive all the time. We're going to be talking about technology, your cameras, your cell phone cameras. your digital cameras.

Do you dillweeds even know how to use them? Most of you don't. Unfortunately, I slipped up on Friday and didn't do something I was supposed to do. You'll find out about it during the course of the show. I'm not happy about it. And then this is exciting, man. For the first time ever,

we are going to the Harland Highway fight night. You won't believe what's going to happen with this. Super exciting. But then it always is, because you're right here on the Harlan Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hi, I'm Jackie want to play. Please go away and leave me alone. You just made a wrong turn.

On to the Harland Highway. Man, keep it going. Love the show. You're hilarious. My blanche! My blue blanket! Give me my blue blanket! Fasten your seat, you're riding down the Harlan Highway. It's the Haarland Highway. Have you checked the children?

Well, I did it. I put my Christmas lights up yesterday. How about that, huh? Christmas lights. They're fun, man. I don't care what anyone says. I like the Christmas lights. It's a colorful, bright display.

It fills up the season with atmosphere. But it is kind of a unique and odd choice for the son of our Lord's Savior, right? Because Christmas is all about, you know, Christ and the birth of Christ. Christ. And here we are celebrating the birth of Christ with something that didn't even exist when good old Christ was wandering around, electricity, light bulbs, flashing colored lights. So it's kind of weird. You'd think we'd use something a little more of the Lord's Savior's time to celebrate, you know,

to make it more authentic, like maybe, you know, put rocks at the end of our driveway or fill our eaves troughs full of sand. Or hang sandals from a tree. Or, you know, put seven loaves of bread and seven fishes. You know, hang them from our gate. Have them running down the side of our driveway. Put them in the window like a deli, right? Hang fish and loafs of bread in your window like a deli.

God, your house looks delicious. Well, I'm celebrating the... Birth of our Lord Savior, would you care for some halibet? Do you mind if I say grace first? Well, hurry up, I want to eat. God, don't you mean Christ? Yes. So I put out a modest amount of lights.

You know, I hang a stringer of colored blinking lights on the end of the gate. And I don't know. There's those people that go all out, right? Like it's going to be their last Christmas ever. Oh, it's my last Christmas. I better put up 7 million light bulbs. Right? And they do their house up, and it looks like a Vegas casino.

Right? They got the icicle lights. They got the flashing lights. They got the lights that are in the shape of snowflakes. They got an inflatable snowman on their lawn in the middle of Arizona. Because, you know, we all know snowmen exist in Arizona. and their house is like a spectacle. You go by and you almost feel like you should pay admission just to drive by.

It's like Disneyland or something. And at that point, I wonder if people have lost sight of what Christmas really is, and it's just about, like, I don't know, being creative or something. You know, I never did like it at night when it got dark. So, you know, I think I'll put as many light bulbs on my house as I can and see if I can do away with this whole dark thing. Who needs the dark thing? And how the heck is Santa and Lord Jesus going to find my house in the dark?

I better light her up real nice, eh? I don't know, man. It's pretty funny. The lengths that some people go to to decorate their house. But, hey, you know what? If it makes you feel happy, if it makes you feel festive, go for it, man. What the heck, the more, the merrier. Let's celebrate Christmas.

Ah! Hey, this is Harlem Williams. You are rocking and rolling down the Harland Highway, and I want to talk to you about energy. Not the oil in the ground. I want to talk to you about your energy. Are you one of these people that's full of positive energy? Huh?

Do you have too much of it? Hmm? I mean, how do you ever have enough of too much positive energy? But do you ever mean people that... Oh my God, you just go and have the best day ever. You go and you... Oh, go get them. You just go get them.

I'm going to my father's funeral. Yeah, but you, oh, it's going to be amazing. It's going to be the best funeral ever. You just go and do it and just be in the moment and just capture that moment. It's a really sad event. My father was hit by a tractor and decapitated, and I'm not really... Oh, you know what? Embrace it.

Embrace the decapitation. Just, you know what? He lost his head. and you haven't. Uh, okay. Great. Good for you. Have a great day.

Have an amazing day. Yeah, I'm sure I will. Excellent. Okay. Oh, come on, man. I mean, I'm all for positive energy, but there's a time and a place, isn't there? You know, when you're in the elevator? Oh, morning.

Oh, morning. Morning. Morning. Morning. Good morning. And then there's that one end. Hey, everybody, good morning. What a great day, isn't it?

Oh, my God. Hi, everybody. I just got new teeth put in. And, oh, my God, I'm filing a report today on the 12th floor. I'm so peppered up about it. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

Shut up. Shut up. Oh, I'll shut up, all right. In the most positive way. Oh, my. Well, spread the love. Spread your sunshine, but just remember there's a time and a place for it, people. Okay, I'll remember that.

Shut up. Oh, I'll shut up, all right. I'll shut up real good. Okay, just stop it. I'll stop it. So excellent. You have a great shut up and stop it, too. Harlan Williams here on the Harland Highway.

Shut up. Okay. Hello, Walland. Hello. Ascot? Orland. What? Are you feeling a little guilty,

Arland? No. I think you are, Arland. Oh, okay. You didn't come to your session on Friday, Holland, and now it's Monday. I know. Look, it's...

I got freaked out, you know? I had to go up and see Mr. Featherstone, and I just felt a lot of anxiety, and I forgot. You forgot, or you blacked it out, Holland. I don't know, maybe both. Holland. Look, you're not going to send me up to see the boss again, all right?

I don't want to get fired. Holland, we have to work on this, Arland. Please, don't send me up to Featherstone. Holland, I will let it slide this time, but we must take a precaution so that it never happens again, Holland. Okay, I'll do anything. What do you want me to do? We need you to work on remembering Holland.

Okay, what do I need to do to remember? You want me to tie a finger, a string around my finger? Something like that, Holland. Okay, what do you mean, something like that? I want you to wrap your whole body in toilet paper, Holland. Excuse me? You heard me, Arland. I have here some two-ply bounty stay-fresh toilet paper, or ass wipe, as we call it.

What are you talking about ass-wipe? You heard me, Arland. If you wrap this toilet paper around your whole body, you will never forget your therapy session again. You want me to wrap my whole body in toilet paper? Exactly, Arland. So I don't forget my therapy sessions. Correct, Alan. Now start wrapping the ass wipe.

Stop calling it ass wipe. Holland, what do you do with it? With what? The toilet paper. Well, you wipe. What do you wipe, Holland? Your ass? Start wrapping the ass wipe, Holland.

Oh, God. Wrap it. Okay, I'm wrapping it around. There. I put a little bit around my chest, fine. Oh, Arland. What do you mean? No. Have you ever seen the movie, Revenge of the Mummy?

Revenge of the Mummy? Yes. Arland, I want you to look like a mummy. An ass-wipe mummy. What the hell? Arland, wrap your body so you never forget or you will go see Mr. Featherstone and get a pink slip.

Oh, my God. Wrap the asswad. Oh, now it's asswad. Arland, asswad, asswip. What are you? Are you insane? Some say tomato. I say tomato.

You say ass wipe. I say ass wand. Would you stop saying ass stuff? Start wrapping, Arland. Okay, I'm wrapping. This is ridiculous. Right around your head, Arland. Are you...

Around your head, Arland. All I want to see is your eyes. Oh my God, this is crazy. Right there, around your feet, Holland. Yes, up your legs around. I want you to look like a mummy from the ancient pyramids of Egypt. Ah, Holland. Stop it!

Holland. Oh, God, there. I've got the damn toilet paper on. and I'll never forget another stupid therapy session. Excellent, Arland. Now I want you to put a burqa on top of it. A what? A burqa.

You want me to put a burqa on? Exactly, Holland. This way you'll never forget. I'm not putting a burqa on. That's the traditional customary full-body wardrobe that a woman in the streets of Afghan would wear. Exactly, Holland. There's like a little slit from my eyes.

I'm not wearing a burqa. Holland, you will be fired. You want me to put a full burqa over the asswad. Stop saying asswad. Ass wipe. Stop saying ass wipe. Shit wipe. Stop.

Give me the burqa, you dildo. What did you call me, Alan? Nothing. Put the burqa on the asswad. Okay! I'm putting it on. God! This is humiliating!

You know what else is humiliating, Arland? What? When I wait for you at a therapy session for two hours and you don't show up, that's humiliating all. Okay, I apologize. Well, I'm sure you'll never forget again, Arland. No, I won't forget again.

This thing's stuffy in here. Olin, when's our next therapy session? This Friday, Dr. Ascot. And what will you be wearing, Holland? My burqa. And? And that's it. Oh, something else, Holland.

It ends in Wad. It ends in Wad. Yes, Alland. Aswad? Correct, Holland, excellent. I'll see you Friday, Holland. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me.

And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority, plus 100% free shipping. shipping on your entire order, doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adameneve.com and select any one item.

It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. just enter the offer code Harland to check out that's Harland H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast so be sure to use this code

Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Yeah, thank you. Be sure to wear your S-Wod-Berca sandwich Holland.

Stop calling it at that. out of here. Aswad burke sandwich. Would you like some mustard on your asswad burke? Get out! Okay, I got a beef. Here's today's beef. Harlan Williams here with you on the Harland Highway,

and we do not know how to use cameras anymore. There was a time when you just press the button and press dough. You're done. A flash goes off, everybody goes home. Nowadays, with all... all the different cell phones and the iPods and the, who knows what else, digital cameras. I mean, people don't know where the buttons are, people don't know what to press, people don't know how to store them, people don't know when their batteries are dead.

It's a nightmare. And the reason I know firsthand about this is because with my job, there comes a lot of picture-taking. Okay. When I do my stand-up comedy shows or I greet people on the street or whatever, people very often, in fact, more than very often, want to take a picture with me. Now, there was a time in the old days before cell phones and digital cameras where pretty much no one had a camera. Okay? I would do a show and after the show maybe shake a few hands, hey, how you doing? But what cameras do is they force us to be physical. Okay, now when I meet people after the show, it's like, I've got to touch them. I've got to stand there and put my arms around them, and they put their arms around me,

and they grab me, and some girls kiss my cheek, and some girls pinch my butt, and some guys squeeze me too tight and haven't used deodorant, and they smell like soup. So, cell phones and digital cameras have changed the whole landscape. So imagine me standing there with a big, fat, sweaty guy, who's smells like soup and his girlfriend's got his cell phone here baby take the picture uh okay what do i do just press the button which button there's like 700 button you know the one that says with the little picture on it what little picture i don't know what am i an archaeologist and i'm looking for hieroglyphics just press the picture okay i pressed it oh wait it didn't come out

oh my god do it again and so on and so on and so on and so on and you stand there for hours and you'd be amazed at how many people don't change their batteries. Mr. Williams, we waited all week just to see you and take a picture with you and everybody say cheap. Oh, what the? Oh, my battery's dead. Hey, glad you got all ready for the big event. Anyways, that's just my little beef for the day. if you want to give me your beef call me if you got something you want to get off your chest

let me know put it on my answering machine maybe I'll put it on the air say cheese harlew Williams here on the harland highway now all that being said I don't want my fans or people who come to see me at a show

or someone who's not even a fan and just like oh there's the guy from dumb and dumber I don't really like the guy we got to have a picture to show our friends. You know, I'm not assuming everyone that takes a picture with me, loves me. But for those of you that do take pictures with me, I don't want you to think from that bit that I don't like taking pictures with you. I enjoy it.

I enjoy the fact that we get to share that moment that we're together, that we're appreciating each other, et cetera, et cetera. But what that bit was all about is the incapacity for people to understand their own technology. And you've got to step into my shoes for a minute. Check it out. Some nights I do three shows in a row. Some nights I do two shows in a row. We're talking hundreds and hundreds of people lining up after the show to take a picture with me.

And like I said, I'm fine doing it or I wouldn't do it. I just wouldn't go out there, right? but it's nice to share that moment with the comedy fans. But just imagine, I'm telling you probably 50 to 80% of the people who have a camera don't know how to use it. They have the cell phone. They don't know how to press the flash. They don't know.

I just did the whole rant. So that's what I'm getting at. So, you know, if you are someone who wants to do a picture, Just try and be ready. Try and know what you're doing. It's one thing to stand there with two or three people, but when you're going through three or four hundred in a night, it's like, oh, please just get your act together.

Okay, there you go. That's my beef, and now I'm going to go put some gravy on it. Hello? Um, yes, Harlan is that Harley. He's got that highway. I was wandering since your. Canong, cano, um, how do you feel about this situation, Mr. Williams? It would be, uh, the bird of the United States, the eagle versus the bird of your homeland.

Uh, the Canuck land there, that would be the beaver. Who do you think would win in such a battle of the eagle who, uh, the eagle who's, soars among the skies with that, you know, those beaks. Oh, I guess so we got one. And then those claws, and then you got the beaver with those big teeth and the fur. Uh, yeah. So how do you envision it? And more importantly, what do you think it would sound like?

And, um, yeah, details, detail. Bye, bye, bye. Good evening, ladies and down. Gentlemen, welcome to the Holland Highway Fight Night. I'm Charles Parsley, and what a fight we have on hand for you tonight. In the blue corner, in the blue corner we have the American Bald Eagle. The American Bald Eagle set to take on in the red corner, the Canadian Beaver. The Canadian Beaver, they will be going at it, a three-round fight,

and what a fight it promises to be. A rivalry has been brewing between these two competitors, these fierce competitors, as these two national symbols have shared the world's longest unguarded border between Canada and the United States of America. And here they go. They're getting ready to fight. Here we go. Let's go.

I'm Charles Pudley. Welcome to the Highland Highway Fight Night. The fighters have stepped out in their corners. They enter the middle of the ring. they touch gloves and here we go here we go the fighters are circling each other in the ring looks like they're sizing each other up who's going to throw the first punch and here it comes we didn't have to wait long it's the Canadian beaver

has taken a jab at the American Bald Eagle the American Bald Eagle offensively ducks out of the way and bounces back bounces back right at the at the beaver he takes a swing at the beaver and a body shot to the beaver's belly the body and an uppercut And upper cut the beaver takes one right in the teeth. Beaver staggers back against the ropes. The beaver dancing, weaving.

The American Eagle coming in, coming on strong. He's pounding the beaver, punishing him with blow after blow. How much longer can the Canadian beaver hold out? He's flailing with a relentless mirage of punches and attacks the American Eagles on fire. But it looks like the Canadian beaver is pushing back. The Canadian beaver has found a second wind. He's pushing back against him.

American Eagle and now they're back out in the center of the ring. Somehow miraculously, the Canadian beaver survived the punishing onslaught on by the American Eagle. And now it looks like the Canadian beaver's fighting back. Oh, a beautiful left hook to the left eye of the American Eagle. And it looks like the American Eagle's been cut. He's been cut right over the feathers, red blood trickling down his beautiful white crown. And the Canadian Beaver gives him another left cut he's punishing that cut he's trying to close the american eagle's eye it looks like oh oh and he's saved by the bell and the crowd not entirely pleased with the pause and the action it looks like the american eagles having that cut tendon to in his corner the cut man is putting some paste over his feathers

feeling in his feathers with some some kind of vaseline ointment over in the other corner the Canadian beaver is not only taking a drink of water, he's jumped in his water bucket and he's splashing around. He's swimming around in his water bucket. The coaches are having talks with each of our prospective fighters. Who knows what being said? It's a very close match. Both contenders getting in some vicious blows, some solid punches hurting and damaging their opponent. And now we get ready for round two here. And there's the bell. Here we go.

They're up on their feet. Cautiously, they circle each other once again at the beginning of round two. It looks like they're a little more hesitant to get in close. They just keep circling. Circling around. Nobody throwing a punch. Circling, eyeing each other. It looks like the American Eagle's eye is swollen shut.

His left eye is a bit swollen shot. and it looks like the Canadian beaver's buck teeth are a little bit swollen as he did take a direct upper cut into those teeth and they keep circling nobody's throwing the first punch dancing around dancing around and then it looks like the eagle the eagle has flown up in the air the eagle is flying up by the rafters he's up in the light and here comes the eagle he's in a dive bomb he's diving down he's diving oh and he slammed the Canadian beaver the Canadian beaver bounced back into the ropes he's on the floor he's on the mat

he's struggling to get up he's struggling to get up but he does get up the Canadian beaver a strong heart and a strong will he's back on his feet he looks more angry than ever his flat tail flapping on the mat slapping and banging he rushes the American Eagle

he rushes the American Eagle and delivers three shots to the ribs right in the American ribs right on the feathers and it staggers the american eagle the american eagle flies back into the corner and it looks like he's slow to come back out the american eagle slow to come back out the canadian beaver beckoning him taunting him with his gloves saying come and get me come and get me and now the american eagle's shaking his head he's caught his senses he's coming back at the canadian beaver he charges with his talons out he's got his talons out it look oh and he's dug his claws

right into the Canadian beaver's chubby little belly and the Canadian beaver is writhing in agony and it looks like the Canadian beaver's down on the mat he's not getting up here comes the count 10 9

8 7 6 5 4 3 oh and the Canadian beaver is saved by the bell after a vicious beating by the American Eagle and that brings us

Up to our third and final round. It promises to be incredible. Oh, my goodness. Unbelievable fight here as we get ready for the third and final round between the American Eagle and the Canadian Beaver. Okay. Wow, you guys are going to hate me for this.

Have you ever heard the term cliffhanger? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You are going to kill me. Okay, we're coming up to the end of the show here. And I know we still have a round to go for the big boxing match between the Canadian Beaver and the American Eagle.

But guess what? For the first time ever on the Harlan Highway, I'm throwing in a cliffhanger, okay? You're going to have to tune into the next episode to hear the third and final round of this incredible fight to see who the champion is between these two national symbols. I know, you're probably hating on me right now.

But what can I do? We're coming up to the end of the show. I don't want it to run over because if it runs over, then what I have to do is in the middle of the third round. This is what always happens, right? There's like 12 seconds left in the fight and we fade to black because we're out of time. And then you're really pissed at me, right?

I hate to do it, believe me. I want to know who wins this thing just as bad as you do. Between the American Eagle and the Canadian beaver, North America's two prominent bird symbols. Yeah, that's right. Our caller seems to think that a beaver is a bird. The bird of the United States, the eagle versus the bird of your homeland.

The Kinnuckland there, that would be the beaver. See, I almost want the beaver to win just because this guy thinks that the beaver is a bird. Can you imagine if beavers were birds flocking around up above us, chewing through clouds with their teeth, chewing through airplanes, you're halfway to Hawaii, and a wild beaver flies onto the side of your plane. Beem, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, it starts chewing through your air. airplane. So I've set the record straight.

A beaver is a small furry animal that spends half its life swimming around in the water, making dams and lodges. And the eagle is a predatory raptor that circles the skies, looking for fish and rabbits and things that can prey upon and feed to its young. so anyways there you go folks hang in there next podcast we will definitely have the third and final round between these two fierce rivals charles parsely will be back to call the fight the final and third round i hope you can join us um make sure you uh check out stitcher dot com you can download the harland highway with a free app and stitcher And don't forget, you can call and leave your messages or request, just like this caller did.

You know, he asked for the fight. I'm giving them the fight. So you can call and leave any kind of message you want at 323-215-1486. That's 3-2-3-215-14-86. The number is also at Harlanwiliams.com. And I also want to mention for all you iPad users, I'm excited about the this. My book, the things you don't know you don't know, is available on the iPad in the iBookstore. People have started downloading it, and it's a great read. It's a lot of fun,

full of crazy knowledge that you probably didn't know, but you soon will. And if you don't have the iPad, you can always order the book at our store at harlomwilums.com. And that's it. That's all I got, man. I'm a little exhausted after that beautiful fight. So join us on the next Harlan Highway podcast for the third and final round. And until them

my friends, chicken chameen, baby. Have a really nice day today, folks. You deserve it. Thank you.