The Harland Highway - PODCAST 204

Episode Date: December 15, 2010

Dr. Debbie Thimer (Life Coach), new coffins, book readers, Christmas guests, Fight Night final round. Scottish Olive oil faces!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Holy Hiddley, holly he. It's me, Harlem Williams, with you on the Harland Highway. Welcome, one and all. Oh, my gosh. What a show we have today. What a podcast we have today. A lot going on. We're going to be talking about coffins.

There's a new coffin on the coffin market. I think you'll be startled by. We're going to be talking about book reading. Are you a reader? Do you have a big library of books? It's Christmas time, the season to be jolly. So we have some celebrities coming by to do some Christmas stuff with us. I'm not sure who it is just yet, but should be good, right?

What else do we have going on? Oh, my God. Dr. Debbie Timer is here, the life coach. She'll be taking a call. You know, she's here to help people with their lives. Just help them get through them. She's a life coach. And then lastly, I promised you our last podcast, we had a big fight night.

It was the Canadian beaver and the American Eagle in a boxing match. We only had time for two rounds. Well, the third and final round will be on today's podcast. You can't miss it. It's going to be great. But it's always great because you're here. On the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway.

Hi, I'm Jackie. Want to play? Please go away and leave me alone. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Man, keep it going. Love the show. You're hilarious.

My blanche! My blue blanket. Give me my blue blanket. Fasten your seat, though. You're riding down the Harlan Highway. It's the Haarland Highway. Have you checked the children? Well, let's file this one under it was just a matter of time and bound to happen.

Okay? Here's the headline. Undertakers offer coffins for gays. And here's the story. You know, someone trying to capitalize on a niche. And I guess it's no surprise, but it is. is kind of amusing. Two undertakers in Germany

are trying to tap into the gay market by selling coffins adorned with images of male nudes. The prize piece in their display window is a coffin decorated with images of mostly naked, muscular young men in athletic poses inspired by Italian Renaissance paintings.

The Germans say, We believe you should be able to have a coffin and it lets you embark on your last journey in a ways that reflects how you lived your life. The unconventional coffins will cost about two and a half grand. They say people are interested in them because they're unique and reactions have been very positive thus far. The two guys doing it say they've branched out into the gay market

in order to satisfy the increasing number of special requests they received. I guess they also sell coffins and urns in rainbow colors, the international symbol of the gay and lesbian movement. And they offer burials around a tree reserved exclusively for homosexuals. Okay. Now, this is all fine. Good until, you know, some dark night where the moon's high and a couple of German grave robbers show up at the graveyard to start rubbing the graves. Can you imagine Hans and Dingldorf show up at two in the morning with some shovels?

They're going to dig up some coffins and steal some jewelry. and they accidentally wander up to the homosexual tree and they start digging under the homosexual tree and all of a sudden they hear a thud they hit peater and they're like yeah we did it we found the coffins let's open the coffins and they clear the dirt away and there's like imagery of like 17 half-naked men and boys What in the hell?

And what's with the rainbow colors? I don't know, but I'm feeling moist. Not me, I'm getting out of here. What kind of tree is this? I think it's a homosexual tree. Ah! That would be startling, man. You go digging for coffins, you know?

Normally you just get the old pine or the oak or the maple. All of a sudden, you clear away the mud, and there's, you know, some guy standing there on the nude, doing whatever he's doing. Oh, I'd like to see the look on their faces. I'd like to be an owl perched in the homosexual tree looking down on them. I wonder if the owl in the homosexual tree would be gay, too. Be like, who, who, who? You-hoo!

Oh, well, I think I'll go bury my head in the sand. See if I can find a rainbow. Hello! Hi, I'm Dr. Debbie Timber, and I'm your life coach. I am my baby's mother's sister's daughter, and it's time to get a life. Your life. Hi, welcome to life coach. I'm Dr. Debbie Timer, and today we'll be taking your calls to see what's bothering you,

see how I can help you improve your life, put your life back on track, get it into shape, get it to the place where you need to be. Sometimes when we're busy and we're running around and we're running around and we're of million things to do, multitasking. It's hard to stay in control of our own life. And that's where I come in. Dr. Debbie Timer, your life coach. Okay, let's go to our first caller on line four.

I think we have Tammy. Hello, Tammy. Hi, Dr. Timer, how are you? I'm good, and how are you, dear? I'm scared. Okay, why are you scared? Well, I'm only 14 years old. Okay, wonderful age.

Just a wonderful age. Dr. Debbie, timer was 14 once. Isn't that fun? We were all 14 once. Okay, stop laughing. I said stop laughing. Stop the goddamn laughing. Oh, um...

Now, what can I do for you? Tammy. Well, I'm scared and I'm confused. Um, okay. Why? Um, well, I'm a little embarrassed to say, Dr. Tyler. Well, we are here to help, so why don't you just blurt it out? I'm really up with heads of it, there. Well, I do have a live show to do, so just, uh, you know, throw it out there. I'd really rather not. Throw it out, God damn it. Just tell me. Um, I'm bleeding, Dr. Tiber. Okay, now I think I understand.

Okay, you're going through, um, some bleeding that happens, uh, to all girls coming into adolescence. 14 is a prime time for that. Oh, okay, I guess, um, so I shouldn't be scared? Um, not really, darling. Um, you might be a big young as, um, your mother. have some, some, uh, tampons or some, some pads around the house. Um, what do you mean? Well, when you hit a certain age and you start bleeding, um, what you do is you put a feminine pad

over the area. The area? Well, you know, you're, your area that's bleeding. Okay, I guess I understand. Okay, very simple. And it absorbs the blood and you leave that there for, you know, however long it takes, maybe a couple of days to a week for the bleeding to stop. Well, that's a long time. I'm really scared, Dr. Timer. Okay, stop moaning.

I said stop moaning. Stop it, you dick, want. Now, have you found it, a pad? Yes, I'm up in the bathroom. that I found, it looks like there's a pad in a box under the thing called Tampax. Excellent, excellent. Now, take one of those out. Okay, I'm picking it out of the box, Dr. Timer.

Okay, settle down. Don't let your nerves get you. But, please, it's tripping everywhere, Dr. Timer. It's okay, child. Let it drip. Soon the pad will be on there and it will absorb it. That's what the pads are designed. for.

Stop the goddamn moaning. Okay, have you got the pad peeled open. Yes, Dr. Tiber. Why are you giggling, child? I'm nervous.

I'm giggling because I'm nervous, Dr. Tiber. Okay, that's natural. Settle down. I've got the bleeding giggles, Dr. Tiber. Okay. Dr. Time, are you giggling, too? No, I'm not.

Now, get focused. Put the pad, the Tampex pad, over the bleeding area. Dr. Time, are you choking? Just do it. Okay. Are you choking, child? Yes, I think I was. Okay, just...

Stop giggling, you moron. Okay, sorry, Dr. Tiber. I'm bleeding. I know you've stated that. Dr. Tiber? Stop it, focus. Now, put the pad over the bleeding area, okay, child? This is Dr. Timer.

I'm sticking the pad to the bleeding patch. Okay, excellent. Now, how does that feel? I guess it feels good. It seems like the big pad is absorbing all the blood. Excellent. That's what they're designed to do, child. Well, I guess it's okay.

What do you mean you guess? It is or it isn't? Well, child, stop choking. I guess it's because I'm looting, losing blood. I'm joking. Okay, how is the pad? Well, it's not very comfortable, Dr. Timer. Why is that, child? Well, I'm having trouble seeing. What do you mean seeing?

Well, I can't see because of the pad. What do you mean, child? Well, I guess the pad's right over my left eye. What are you talking about? Well, you said to put the pad where the blood is? Yes, that's right. It should be on your little vagina. Oh, my vagina, no.

I cut my eye when I was running through the house, playing hide-and-seek with my brother. I hit my forehead on the wall. Are you fucking kidding me? Dr. Tymer! Are you telling me you're bleeding over your head? Yes, right over my eye, there's blood dripping down. Hang up the goddamn phone, you idiot.

Dr. Taver, but what about the tampon? Put it over your mouth for all I care. God damn, idiot. Hang up the phone. Dr. Timber, I'm bleeding. Hang it up. Okay. I'm Dr. Debbie Timer.

I'm glad we can help. I'm your life coach. Please. Who is that idiot? Please call us back and let me see how I can help you Coach you through your life We'll be right back after this next time Who is that idiot? God damn it

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about finances or you read a novel about a guy climbing mount Everest or you read a daniel steel novel, or you read some Ray Bradbury, or you read some Stephen King. Um, what do you do with the book afterwards, man? I mean, unless you're like some rich guy

with a Mount Mansion like Mr. Burns. Oh, yes. Get me the Ray Bradbury Smithers. Uh, yes, Mr. Burns. Hurry up, you freak. Uh, I'm going as fast as I can, Mr. Burns. Faster, or I'll release the hound. I mean, what do you do with the book unless you have a big leather-clad library with a ladder and shelf upon shelf and brass rails and a big oak desk and, you know,

what do us mere mortals do with our books when we're done with them? You put them on a shelf, they clutter up your house, they stack up on your floor, you're using them as a coffee table, the leg on your kitchen tables broken so you stack books up. Use that as a table leg. Use them as coasters. I hate to say it, but they kind of get in the way when they're all done when you finish reading them. And don't give me that old.

Oh, my God, this was such a good book. Oh, my God. I'm going to put it on my shelf and I'm going to read it again. Ha, ha, nice try. whoever goes back and reads a book again. Not too many people, man. Some of you do, yeah, but come on, how many times can you read a book?

It's the same with your DVD collection. How many times do you ever watch the movies that you've bought? It's all about ownership, really, isn't it? Yeah, I own Blade Runner, and I own Apocalypse Now, and I own Big, and I own Saving Private Ryan. So there! Yeah?

Well, I never watch them, but I own them. Well, good for you. I mean, these movies cost millions of dollars, and I got them sitting on a shelf. Hooray for you. Yeah, you better believe it. I don't know. It's kind of a shame.

What to do with your books? You know what? Drop them off at a Goodwill Center. Give them to a book depository. You know, I'm sure Lee Harvey Oswald has a lot of reading he wants to catch up on it. there in heaven. Hello. Harlow Williams. Reading you your rights here on the Harland Highway.

Well, Christmas is just around the band, and in keeping with the Christmas spirit, my producers, with another genius idea, thought we should have some celebrities in here to read a Christmas poem for you. Oh, brother. So here we go against... Against my better judgment, here they are, Yogi Bear and Boo-Boo. How are you guys? Hey, Yogi to Bear here. Hi, High Island. Hi, Boo-Boo.

Hi. Hey, let's read a poem for the Holland Highway listeners. Okay, take it easy. Hey, hey, all right, what are you going to read? It was the night before Christmas. Okay, let's get it all. over with. It was the night before Christmas, went all through the house. Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. Ah, ha, ha, hey. The stockings were all hung by the chimney with care, yogi,

in hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there, yogi. Hey, hey, hey. Okay, do you guys have to do the hey, hey, hey, hey, and the yogi thing at the end of everything? The children would nestled all snug in the beds well visions of sugar plumbed danced in their heads away to the window i flew like a flash yogi tore open the shutters and threw up the sash yogi hey i don't boy boo boo okay enough i can't take it anymore what's up your ass stop no out out boy this guy sure is on the rag yogi get out of here both of you out you're not reading Twas the night before Christmas Anymore enough. Boy, someone sure Scrooge his ball sack.

Get stop it, get out. Hey, up yours. Get out! All right, ladies and gentlemen, this is it. Here we go. If you remember from the last podcast, I presented you for the first time

with a Harland Highway cliffhanger. We had an incredible boxing match between the Canadian beaver and the American eagle, two creatures that one of my collars thought were both birds, and he wanted to see what would happen if the two of them met in a battle. Here's his call to refresh your memory. The bird of the United States, the eagle versus the bird of your homeland, the Kinnockland there, that would be the beaver.

who do you think would win? So how do you envision it? And more importantly, what do you think it would sound like? And, yeah, detail, detail, bye, bye. So we had Charles Parsley calling the first two rounds of the fight. It's a three-round fight, and the first two rounds could have been more exciting. There was back and forth, you know,

just when it looked like the eagle was winning. Suddenly the beaver came back. It looked like the beaver was winning, and it just kept going back and forth. And now here we go, finally, the cliffhanger to the third and final round of the American Eagle versus the Canadian Beaver on the Harland Highway fight night, as called by Charles Parsley. Yes, thank you very much, Harlan Williams. Thank you very much. I'm Charles Parsley.

the Harland Haraway fight night and what an incredible night we've had two fabulous rounds each of our contenders each of our athletes going head to head exchanging blows punishing each other with rights and lefts uppercuts and body shots all around and now as they prepare our fighters in their respective corners we have the american eagle with a cut over its left eye it's eye It's eye-swollen shot and the Canadian beaver getting some work done around his inflamed teeth that have been punched as we await the bell. The boxes are standing in their corners. They're ready to go. And there's the bell.

There's the bell there. They are back out in the ring. Circling each other, circling each other, eyeing each other up and down. Both of them being very careful this time. They know that the fight hangs in the balance. and the referees urging them to get the action started you heard the referee let's fight here they go still both of them circling hesitant to throw the first punch

and there it goes there it goes the beaver the beaver gives a left to right a quick jam jam jam jam and the american eagle reeling back his head snapping back but he gets his arms up and he's defending the jabs and now it's the american eagle punching back the american eagle to the ribs, a body shot. Another one to the ribs and an upper cut. The beaver takes another one in the teeth.

And there's the eagle. He's going to the lower body. He's, oh, and he's hit the beaver in the testicles. Oh, my goodness. The referee has jumped in. He's paused this fight. The Canadian beaver has buckled over. He's been punched right in the beaver balls.

A low blow by the American Eagle. And the referee is sending the American Eagle. to a neutral corner with a Canadian beaver. He's kneeling on the mat, trying to catch his breath and the crowd in an uproar over this development. And it looks like the Canadian beaver's slowly getting up. He's back on his feet. He signals to the referee that he's okay.

He tightens his pants, pulls up his boxing shorts, and there they go. They're at it again, circling, circling. Except this time the Canadian beaver has a stealing. determined look at his eye. He is not taking that low blow kindly. And it looks like the Canadian beaver has brought a tree into the ring. The Canadian beaver has brought a large pine tree into the center of the ring. It's something you'd expect out of a beaver and here it is. The experts predicted it could happen and now it has. It's here. The Canadian beaver

bobbing and weaving. He's pummeling. He's pummeling the eagle left and right. He goes to the tree he goes to the tree but wait the eagle has got a move of his own the eagle has flown up into the branches of the tree it looks like the eagle is making a nest the eagle has made a nest in the beaver's tree the beaver is furious he's punching his own tree and it looks like he's not going to stand for it the beaver starts chewing down the tree the beavers chewing through the pine tree and the pine tree falls to the ground thundering to the ground but the eagle is out of his nest. He's landed beside the tree safely. He bends over and shows his sweet American ass to the Canadian beaver. He starts firing eggs. The American eagle is firing eagle eggs at the

beaver covering the beaver. The eggs exploding all over the beaver's buck teeth. And it looks like the beaver's building a dam. The beaver's building a dam to block the eggs. The fight's coming down to the wire. Just a couple of seconds left. The beaver is infuriated, covered with eggs. He flies over his own dam. He meets the American Eagle in the center of the ring. They're punching it out, left, right, left, right. Jab, Bob, weave, and a shot to the side of their head, a shot to the rims.

They're both wobbling on their feet. They can barely stand up. They're holding under each other. Now they're breaking away, pounding relentlessly. One, two. They're about to both fall to the mat. Who's going to win this? Neil Biter!

Oh, and there's the bell. There's the bell. Both of these fighters, saved by the bell. They can barely stand. Who's going to be the winner? Here comes the referee. He grabs the American Eagles' batted wing in one hand, and he holds the Canadian beavers.

stubby little hand in his other hand who's going to win this match everyone in the audience waiting with baited breath after the hammering after the pounding after the back and oh and it looks like both their arms in the air we have a draw we have a draw ladies and gentlemen we have a draw there is no definitive winner both fighters putting up a glory battle and very, very deservingly so, this fight has been called the unanimous draw and we'll have to wait and see these two fighters meet on another day to declare a victory. A wonderful fight here between the American Eagle and the Canadian Beamer. I'm Charles Parsley for the Holland Highway Fight Night.

Thanks for joining us, and we'll catch you next time. Wow. Well, there you go, ladies and gentlemen. Exciting fight. Wow, right down to the wire, came to a tie, a draw. We have no definitive winner. And who knows, maybe they'll have to get back in the ring at some point in time. Maybe we'll revisit the Harland Highway Fight Night.

Our thanks to Charles Parsley with his excellent ringside coverage of the fight. And I hope you had a good time. I hope you had a good time on today's podcast. Looks like we are done for today. What a way to go out. My heart's still pounding. Don't forget you can download the Harland Highway on Stitcher. Go to Stitcher.com and you can get a free app for your phone device

and listen to the Harland Highway on your phone. Be sure and tell your friends about the highway. Don't be selfish. Let's get everyone on this ride. Don't forget to check Harlandwilms.com. Check out our store. My new book, The Things You Don't Know You Don't Know, is available. in the iBook iPad bookstore.

So lots of cool things. Fudgy Wudgey Fudge Face on sale in the store at Harlan Williams.com. That's my indie movie. Pretty crazy. It took me seven years to shoot. Check that out if you get the chance. And that's it.

That's all we got for today, ladies and gentlemen. So until next time, watch out for flying eagles and flying beavers. sure they don't drop some duty in your big bowl of chicken chowmaine baby the uh bird of the united states the eagle versus the bird of your homeland uh the kinnuck land there that would be the beaver have a really nice day today folks you deserve it