The Harland Highway - PODCAST 205

Episode Date: December 17, 2010

Listener voice mails, dirty cars, movie snacks, Senior Feuntes, sneezing, and yes, Dr. Ascot. Bundles of biggles!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, you crazy beat nicks, there's going to be a podcast tonight, yeah. Well, it doesn't have to be at night. I mean, it could be day. I don't know what time you listen to your Harlan Highway, but here we are nonetheless. I'm Harlan Williams, your host. Thank you for joining. Thank you for coming along for the ride down the Harlan Highway during this festive time of the year, this Christmas season, this Hanukkah season, whatever you may be celebrating.

It's all festive. It's all fun. And we are going to be taking some voicemails today, some good ones, some bad ones, some crazy ones, all kinds. People giving me a lot of feedback on the show here. We're going to be talking about car washes, people that want you to get your car washed anonymously. Um, we're getting to get into the world of movie snacks, which can be delicious, but also a living hell. Um, I think Senor Fuentes is dropping by. I told him to go pick me up a Christmas tree, so let's hope he gets that right.

Um, we're going to be talking about sneezing. Are you a sneezer? I don't know. I think we all are. And then Leslie, Dr. Ascot's here. It's Friday. Who knows what will have me do this time. All I know is that we're on the Harland Highway.

Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hi, I'm Jackie want to play. Please go away and leave me alone. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Man, keep it going. Love the show. You're hilarious.

My blanket. My blue blanket. Give me my blue blanket. Passing your seat. You're riding down the Harlan Highway. It's the Harland Highway. Have you checked the children? Hey, Harland, it's John and Abe in Central Florida.

We heard your podcast about cooking a turkey with a little garbage bag. We did that, and it was the best damn turkey we've ever had. Just found your podcast, and kind of like it. It's strange. like listening to a train wreck, a funny train wreck. All right, well, keep up the mediocre work. See you soon. Bye.

Ha, ha, see, I did it. I did it, I did it, I did it. I'm so happy that you guys called. Okay, at Thanksgiving, I put out a challenge. I put out a challenge to the dudes, right, about making a turkey. and I said to everyone listening, even if you're a girl or a mother or a husband, whatever, I said this year, take your Thanksgiving turkey

and buy these things. They're called turkey bags. And yes, the collars are right. It looks like a little garbage bag. It's improbable. It's ridiculous. But you stick your turkey in this bag that somehow doesn't flame up. You put in the oven and your turkey,

is going to be your best turkey ever. These guys tried it. They took my advice. And lo and behold... It was the best damn turkey we've ever had. So there you go, huh? A delicious turkey. Best damn turkey they've ever had.

Although I don't think it compares to my next caller's turkey. Hey, Harlan. Hope you had a great Thanksgiving. This is John from Seattle. We had a big mold of a turkey added jello. and injected it with fruit cocktail using the turkey baser kind of in order to make it look like, you know, turkey guts or the turkey meat, I guess you could say.

Works great, you know, a little bit of whipped cream on the side. Good to go, buddy. So hopefully your Thanksgiving was a lot better. Hopefully a little bit more tastier than mine than just green jello and a fruit cocktail. But, hey, can't go wrong when you have a dessert for dinner. You can jow me in there, buddy. Wow, jello turkey with whipped cream and fruit cocktail. Now, that sounds like a train wreck.

A funny train wreck. Oh, yeah, right, thanks. Well, listen, for those of you dudes and anyone else who missed making a turkey at Thanksgiving using the turkey bag, you have your second chance with Christmas coming up right around the corner, get your turkey bag. And I'll be busy getting my turkey bag. This just sounds dirty. Telling guys to get their turkey bags. Oh, God.

I'll just keep on working away here on the Harlan Highway. All right. Well, keep up the mediocre work. This is Harlan Williams here. I have something I want to figure out this year. I want all of you to help. me solve a mystery. Everybody hold up their finger.

I want you to hold up your index finger. Hold it up. Get it out. I want your pointing finger. I want to see if it's dirty. And why do I want to see if it's dirty? Because I want to find the jackass who writes

Wash Me on the back of every single dirty car that I see parked in an underground garage or at the Walmart, some kind of wash-me fairy is running around the neighborhood right and wash me.

All over the cars. They're tagging the cars, people. Hello. I mean, do we need to be told to wash our cars? Wash me, fairy, whoever you are? Hmm? We know they're dirty. Did it ever occur to you that we aren't

in a great financial position? to be able to wash our cars? Do you know car washes are like 12 bucks nowadays, man? I mean, that's 17 meals at McDonald's. Maybe we want our cars dirty. Do you ever think of that, Wash Me Fairy? Huh?

Maybe we like being grungy. It's cool, man. And aren't there more important things to write Wash Me on, huh? You ever get on the subway and some fat guy standing over you with his armpits, hang? out? I want you shove your finger up into that hairy jungle and, right, wash me in his own

perspiration. It looked like a dripping bathroom mirror after you've had a shower. You're listening to Harland Williams. If you're the Wash Me Fairy, we need to talk. I want to wash your mouth out with my soapy finger. Yeah, I know it's the little things in life that piss people off, annoy us, you know, like people right and wash me on your collar. and isn't it isn't it the worst when the wash me ferry gets your car it's not just other people's cars but like you know you're like going somewhere and you get out of your car your truck and you're walking into a store you're walking somewhere and you look back to hit the alarm on

your car and you go wait wait a minute what's that on my tailgate what's that on my side fender Wash me? The Wash me fairy rode on my car? Son of them. Oh, well, life is full of annoying things. Here's something annoying. How about this?

You ever get to the movie theater, right? You go to the movie theater and you're all excited. You're going to see your movie and you load up on the snacks. Because that's part of the whole ritual of going to the movies, isn't it? Right? so you get the popcorn and maybe you get a hot dog and maybe you get a box of goobers and you get a drink so you're all set with a bunch of garbage

but you're going to love it because you're going to be sitting there watching your action movie or your horror flick or your romance whatever your genre may be and you're sitting there and you're putting the popcorn in your mouth and you're chewing your hot dog and you're slurping on your coke right it's like comfort food will you watch your movie except here's the problem okay here's where i get pissed and i think this has happened to everyone listening how many of you end up eating all your snacks during the stupid commercials before the movie starts and if it's not

the commercials if you don't get there that early then it's all the upcoming trailers so here i am eating popcorn watching a uh you know a sprint commercial or uh you know some celebrity asking us to donate to some cancer i'm already chew through my hot dog that's gone now here comes in a kea commercial for a new car and i'm halfway through my popcorn and my drinks getting low And now I'm sitting through a trailer for some crappy Harrison Ford movie or something. And suddenly my popcorn's gone. And my goobers are gone. And my movie finally starts.

Oh, that's the end of my Coke. You see where I'm getting at? All my goodies are gone by the time I get to my damn movie, man. I mean, they literally run us through like 10, 20 minutes of these damn commercials and trailers. I got to be honest, I like the trailers. I hate the commercials. But what pisses me off is, you know, your hot dog, it's heat sensitive. Your popcorn is heat sensitive.

Your soft drink has ice in it. Right? So you want to start eating everything. You want your popcorn warm. You want your hot dog hot. your Coke to be nice and icy cold. So the second your butt hits the seas, you start chowing down.

And so here you are enjoying all your goodies to these crappy commercials. Oh, you know, I don't sit at home in front of the TV and go, geez, I think I'm going to whip up some popcorn and an omelet and sit down and just watch commercials and pig out, how fun will that be? So I don't know what the answer is. You know, if you're better than me and you can hold out or you try to time it that you get your goodies just as the movie starts, which is impossible,

because there's always some dildo standing in front of you at the snack line who acts like they've never been to one before. They act like they've just landed on the moon. They're like, ooh, what's this? plays funny signs with numbers beside popcorn 399 what mean funny numbers just yet so me stand and stare and attendin like dumbass do you get the feeling i'm getting a little cheesed off at the old movie theater so anyways there you go Hopefully you have better luck with your snacks than I do.

If you excuse me, I'm going to go get something to eat. Hey, everybody, it's Harlan Williams, and you're on the mighty Harlan Highway. And man, am I excited? You know what we did? I asked you people to give me a call and leave me a quick little message and tell me what you thought about the show and about me on the Harlan Highway. and I've got to tell you, folks, you filled up the machine. Our answering machine was filled in record time.

And, man, oh, man, I am laughing because we got some great calls from people. We got some people that just loved the show, couldn't get enough of it. Ireland, you're awesome. You're like a super wrestler on crack. We had some people that think I'm on drugs. I just wonder if you're hammered, because you sure sounds like yourself. learning words. Maybe it's just me. Bye. We have some people that think I do really good stuff.

I listen to you since you started. I can't get enough, dude. And we have, of course, the people that can't stand me. I can't handle you. Just too far out there, bro. I'm sure you're a nice guy, but Gank, I don't get you. I think you're a moron. And somehow, oh, their messages made me laugh. Some of them are brutal. And I'm going to air them all. I'm not afraid. I think you people should be entitled to hear the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I can take it. You know, all it does is it encourages me to get better and better. And even the people that don't like me, well, they must be listening, or how would they know that they don't like me? So that tells me that somewhere deep in their grinch that stole Christmas hearts, there's something about me they like. Maybe they just take a long time to warm up to me. Keep the calls coming.

Your radio show is cool. Some of your little jokes, you're going too long with them. But keep it up, buddy. You're doing a great job. Thanks, man. I love you, people. You're the reason I do this. And whether you like me or not,

I just love hearing from you. I love at least getting a reaction out of you, one way or the other. I hope eventually y'all grow to love. love Papa because daddy loves you no matter what keep on listening man we're having a good time here on the harland highway and don't forget the number if you do want to call three two three two one five fourteen eighty six three two one five fourteen eighty six i'll try not to slur my words and i'll try not to be hammered No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. I will be packaged and sent discreet.

for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy, or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.

This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and a 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Well, now here's something stupid I did the other day. I was back in my car out of the driveway and I wasn't looking into it. What? No. No.

Oh, come on. What? What are you doing here? Oh, come on. I told you not to come in the studio here. What the hell are you doing here? My name is Senor Fuentes. I know who you are.

You're my gardener. I've told you umpteenth times. What does umpteenth mean, senor? It's a number. It is. I've never heard that number before. Umteenth? Yes, signor, where does it fit into the number scale?

I don't know, it's one, two, three, umpteenth, four, I don't... Stop it, just stop deciphering everything I say. Okay, senor. What are you doing here in my studio? Well, senor, you know, you told me to get you a Christmas tree? Yes? Well, I got you a Christmas tree, but the neighbors are not too happy. What do you mean the neighbors?

Well, you said just go find a Christmas tree. Yeah, they're all over the place. Yeah, I know, senor. Your neighbor had a wonderful pine tree on the front lawn. What do you mean, my neighbor had a pine tree. I mean, they're all over the place at Christmas tree lots. You can go pick one up in your truck. Oh, Christmas tree lots.

What do you mean? You telling me you don't know what a Christmas tree lot is? Well, you said go anywhere, signor, and anywhere in my mind is everywhere. Oh, no, what did you do, Fuentes? Senor Fuentes. I know your name. What'd you do? I cut down your neighbor's pine tree, signor.

Wait a minute, my neighbor across the street, the Daniels? See, senor. Wait a minute. They only have one pine tree. Not anymore, signor. And it was on their front lawn. See, signor. And that thing's about 60 feet tall. It's a fully mature pine tree.

Not anymore, signor. Wait a minute. You went over to their house and cut their 60-foot pine tree down? See, signor, they're not very happy. You idiot! Why did you do that? Well, you told me to go get... I know I told you to go get a Christmas tree.

She realized they're going to probably sue me now because you cut down their tree? I mean, you're going to ruin it. their Christmas. Well, that's okay, signor, because I already ruined their house. What do you mean? Well, when I cut down the 60-foot tree? Yeah.

It fell right through their house. What? I cut it. It fell through their house. You idiot! Get out of here. You're going to get me thrown in jail for Christmas. I also cut down their maple tree and their birch tree because I was...

Get out of here! I also accidentally cut their car in half. I'm not very... good with the chainsaw, signor. Get out! I cut their house in half, too. Get out! Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Uh-choo! Oh, bless you. Uh-huh. Bless you. Yeah, thanks a lot. Thanks for the God bless you. Uh, why do we say God you after somebody sprays us with mucus if you get in a car accident you jump out of the car and run up to the guy you hit and go oh god bless you oh you're alive god bless you now you go you idiot what are you doing in front of it you bastard ah so why is it that when a complete stranger sprays sars all over us splats mucus and spray and vomit and

the flu and who knows what else, we get all religious suddenly. God bless you, my child. Thank you for spraying me with bird flu. Sweet Lord Jesus above, bless us this day for allowing this child

this complete stranger with the runny, snotty nose, for covering us with their wonderful God-given mucus and giving us the bird flu and SARS and instant death. Thank you, Lord Jesus. Amen. God bless you, my child. Oh, my God. What's the matter with us? Shouldn't we at that moment turn into like football punters? Some greasy old lady sneezes all over us.

Just wind up that leg like Pete Townsett on a guitar solo. Kick her. Kick her head off. Right through some uprights. Anyways, next time you sneeze, just go, oh, sorry, man. Sorry for sliming you. You want to God bless you out of me? Walk up and put a couple of thousand bucks in my hand. Tell me to go on a shopping spree. Oh, God bless you. And God bless you for being here on the Harland Highway.

And speaking of the God bless you, God bless this announcement. You do not want to miss our next podcast. And here's why. Guess what? It's the annual Harland Highway Christmas parade, okay? That's right. We have all the floats coming right down the Harland Highway.

Our color commentators, John and John, will be here. They're going to be taking us through the parade, looking at all the wonderful floats, all the effort, the flowers, the clowns, the, you name it. It's going to be an extravaganza. So be here, tell your friends, gather around the podcast. The next episode of the Harlan Highway will be our annual Harlan Highway Christmas Parade. Hello, all of them.

Oh, God. What are you doing here? I was having a great podcast, and now you're here. Oh, God. What are you... I forgot. Are we doing our thing? Yes, Holland, you know we are. It's Friday. All right, what are we doing today? Holland, I think today we should do something Christmas themed, don't you, Holland? Well, that makes sense. It is the season. Holland, today I want to decorate you. What do you mean?

Like, psychologically decorate me, like, you know, tell me something positive, tell me something good about myself. Give me some positive reinforcement, that type of decorating. Don't get ahead of yourself, Holland. Well, what else could it be? Holland, I want to physically decorate you. Excuse me? Like a Christmas tree, Arland. Why on earth would I ever let you decorate me as a Christmas tree?

Because sometimes during the holidays one can feel depressed and have anxiety, Arland. Okay, well, I'm not feeling that way. Are you sure? Yeah, well, now that I look at you, yeah, I am. Arland. I'm not getting decorated. Holland, I think it'll lift your spirits and show that you have a part. positive upbeat attitude.

I already have a positive... Holland, interrupting and yelling is not positive or upbeat. Are you manipulating me here? Holland, I think you need to be decorated. No. Holland, I know that the office doesn't have a Christmas tree. So, that's Featherstone's fault. If he's going to be cheap, he's running this place, he should buy one.

Holland, I think it might put you at Mr. Featherstone's good books if you were the Christmas tree, Holland. Wait a minute. You want to decorate me like a Christmas tree? Yes, Arlen, and put you out in the lobby. You want to put me out in the lobby where everyone can see me? Not just everyone, Holland, Mr. Featherstone. He's very big on Christmas, Holland.

Wait a minute. This sounds like a little ass-kissing here. Call it what you will, Alland. You have been in trouble lately with Mr. Featherstone. Well, you're right. I missed a few sessions, and I guess I got this close to being fired. Holland, I'm sure if you stood in the lobby decorated as a Christmas tree, Mr. Featherstone would be quite pleased.

Do you have to slow down? and talk like that? You sound like Boris Karloff. Alland. All right, let's do this. What the hell, it's Christmas? That's the spirit, Arland. All right, what are we doing?

I brought a box of Christmas decorations, Alland. Okay, what do you got? I've got tinsel. I've got Christmas balls, Holland. I've got candy canes, and I've got Christmas lights. What do you mean Christmas lights? I'm going to wrap you in Christmas lights.

Wait a minute, isn't that dangerous? You can't just wrap me in Christmas lights. Holland, you will look nice and shiny out in the lobby as Mr. Featherstone walks past. This goes against all my better judgment. Arland, tis the season to be jolly, Alland. Easy for you to say. All right, put the stupid stuff on me. Holland, try and stay upbeat.

Just put it on. Okay, ow, watch it. Watch the balls hanging on my... Ow, not my hair. Holland, hold still. What are you doing? I'm wrapping the Christmas lights around your body, Arlen. Okay, not so tight.

Gotta walk out to the lobby, you know. I understand, allan. Hold still as I wrap, wrap, wrap, wrap the little Christmas lights. What are you doing? I'm singing a carol, Arlen. That's not a carol. Wrap, wrap, wrap the little Christmas lights. Stop it, you're making it up.

Just get this over with. All right, all, and let me hang a candy cane on your nostril. What? Make a candy cane up your nostril. No, you're not... Oh, wow! Oh, it hurts. Take it out.

I can't take it out because you've wrapped my arms with Christmas lights. move the Christmas lights Come on Holland get on the dolly Out to the lobby Wait a minute I don't want a candy cane up my nose Out to the lobby Here we go all and now

We'll plug in the Christmas light No no no don't plug in the light Don't plug in the light Quiet little Christmas tree Don't call me Christmas tree Oh Christmas tree Oh Christmas tree How lost

Stop singing to me Don't plug in those light don't plug it those are oh Christmas tree oh Christmas tree how lovely wow idiot I'm really hoping next year

I don't need to do these therapy sessions anymore I'm going to write a letter to Featherstone requesting a leave of absence or taking a break. These damn therapy sessions are doing me more harm than good. I'm convinced. God. Got scorch burns on me.

Idiot. Anyways, wow. We are winding down. We are getting close. As I said, don't forget the next podcast will be the Harland High Christmas Parade with our host, John and John. You don't want to miss that festive Christmas event. Beautiful Christmas parade winding down the Harland Highway.

Don't forget to go to Stitcher.com. You can download a free app at Stitcher that will let you listen to the Harland Highway on your cell phone, whatever style mode or make it may be. and don't forget to check out harland williams.com see what's going on over there check out the web store you can buy some merch if you're so inclined and don't forget that this new year's eve i will be playing in pittsburg at the pittsburgh improv that's right um i'm going to be playing uh there for new year's eve i'm actually going to start the shows on the 30th, December 30th, that's Thursday, then Friday, and then of course New Year's Eve, which is Friday night, and then I'll be doing shows Saturday and Sunday, I believe so uh make sure you check it out if you don't have new year's plans and you're in the pittsburgh area come and spend new year's eve with me the kid harlem williams and i'm going to go

get some ice on my scorch marks and that's our show for today oh we're getting close merry christmas everybody and until next time chicken chowmame baby it's like listening to a train of funny train wrecks.