The Harland Highway - PODCAST 206 XMAS PARADE

Episode Date: December 20, 2010

Yes today is the day, it's the 72nd annual Harland Highway Christmas Parade. Hope you enjoy the festivities and Merry Christmas!! Sugar plumb dingle buns! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

ring jingling ring jingling it's the most happiest time of my rear what uh it is the happiest time of the year and here's why we are here uh on a very special day um we're getting so close to christmas and uh today's the day you've all been waiting for it's the harland highway and annual Christmas parade. So let's not waste any more time. Let's get ready to rock and roll right down the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hi, I'm Jackie.

Please go away and leave me alone. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Man, keep it going. Love the show. You're all right. My blanket, my blue blanket. Give me my blue blanket.

Passing your seat. You're riding down the Harlan Highway. It's the Harland Highway. Have you checked the children? Oh, my gosh. What an exciting day. What an exciting podcast. I can't believe it.

It's finally here. Oh, one of my favorite podcasts of the whole year. I hope you like it as much as I do. Yes, today is the day we put on the annual Harland Highway Christmas Day parade. I think this year it's the 97th Harlem Highway Christmas parade full of colorful floats and marching bands and children and families and, I mean, I just love it. It's the time of year. We're just days away from Christmas, and nothing puts you more in the spirit

than the 27th annual, Harland, whatever annual, the Harland Highway Christmas parade. So let me stop talking about it. Let's get to our color commentators, John Waters and John Starter. They're going to be commenting on all the floats, all the activity, all the festivities, and here we go, everybody.

Merry Christmas, happy holidays, and welcome to the annual Harland Highway Christmas Day Parade. Well, here we go, here we go. It's the Harland Highway 29th annual Christmas parade. I'm John Starners here with my partner in crime, John Waters. Thank you, John. And we are here today on a beautiful crisp December afternoon watching the holiday Christmas parade come marching down the street. Yes, John, marching down the street.

Let's hope we have a really good parade this year. The last few years have been another. short of lemon sauce. Now what do you mean lemon sauce, John? Well, if you have a lemon and you grind it up, it makes lemon sauce. And this parade over the last few years has just been full of lemons. One float after another has been a lemon. Well, if you've got lemons, let's make Christmas punch. Not really funny, John. Okay, well, let's get rid of. right to it. Here comes our first float coming right down the center of the Harlan Highway. What a wonderful float it is. Not really. Well, let's give it a chance, John. It looks like it's

the Tiny Tim. God bless us, everyone, float. Yes, and we all know Tiny Tim comes from the classic Christmas tale, a Christmas Carol. What a wonderful, wonderful traditional Christmas story. Yes, well, Tiny Tim probably put a damper on what should have been a moving inspirational story. Now, what do you mean, John? Well, here we are learning about how we can learn from our mistakes in life. Just when the movie starts to get uplifting, along comes this little kid, Tiny Tim, with his rotten club foot. And now here we have a float coming down the road, a giant clubbed leg floating up in the air

with a bunch of kids wearing crutches, wobbling and hobbling down below. It's not really working. Christmas is a time to celebrate, not feel bad for crippled whipples crumbling down the street. Wow, now correct me if I'm wrong, John, but did you just say, crippled whipples crumbling down the street?

Yes, John, that's exactly what I said. And what does that mean exactly? I'm not sure, but I think you get my point. We've got these children on crutches. Some of them have their feet twisted around backwards. They look like crabs. Some of them have amputations. They look like they've got a frosty nub hanging out in the cold.

And some of them were born with no legs at all. Nothing puts a damper on Christmas quicker than a human stump, John. Okay, well, you've made your case there, John. Let's move along to the next float. Yes, let's, because that last float was not really working, John. Okay, well, here comes our next float. It's Grammatator's Christmas cake, and here it comes. every year she puts a wonderful float into the parade,

a giant Christmas cake floating down the street, and all her helpers pulling it along dressed as raisins. Yes, John, not a good idea. A giant cake floating in the sky. It's the type of thing that can cause acne just looking at it. Well, now, it does look delicious, John. And I'm sure those raisins look delicious. to wild pit bulls roaming in the alleys as we make our way down the city street and need i say more

here comes a pit bull out of the shadows it was lurking behind a dumpster and it's taking one of the raisin people down oh my goodness oh my it's really it's tearing at the raisin person it's ripping the raisin person apart and the other raisins are jumping in trying to help and more dogs have emerged john It looks like a pack of wolves going to town of a skin moose carcass. Oh, my goodness. And it looks like the giant Christmas cake is broken away from the raisins as they get mulled by the dogs. And it looks like the Christmas cake is floating up into the sky. There it goes.

There it goes. And it's gone behind the office buildings, John. Oh, this is horrible. Look at those dogs. gorging on the raisin people, their little leotard-covered legs kicking, their curly little raisin elf shoes kicking in the air. If you ever want to hear a raisin scream, now's the time. Wow, really? Not a good thing to see here, John. Yes, and this float is not really working, John. Okay, well, we're going to take a break, John, and hopefully the float.

that come down the Harlan Highway when we come back, we'll meet with your approval. I seriously doubt it. Okay, this is John and John with the Harlan Highway Christmas parade. We'll be right back. Wow. Wow. What a lot of fun that is, isn't it?

Do you remember going to the parades when you were a kid? The Christmas Day parade? I can remember going. I can remember huddled. on the sidewalk, in the cold. Every now and then my dad would put me up on his shoulder. And the big excitement was waiting for the red man himself, Jolly St. Nick at the end of the parade.

And I guess we'll get to that here in a little while. But even though the memories are a little foggy, a little murky, I do remember doing it. I always remember there was one thing in particular that I think stuck in my. head and it was this weird costume where it looked like clowns were walking down the street on their hands but what it really was was this costume where they had the clown's head down by the sidewalk okay it was like a paper mashay head or some kind of fiberglass mask like a full

head and then the hands and then the legs were sticking up in the air but there was a guy inside the suit, and how it worked is his feet were where the clown's hands were, and they just had the clown's feet sticking up over the top of the head of the guy inside the suit. So it gave the illusion that these clowns were walking down the street for hours upon hours on their hands. And I just remember they had kind of these weird kind of sinister, kind of frozen stares on their faces, you know, the way masks do. And I always remember, even as a kid, I remember I figured out what it was going on,

but still the idea, the notion of some kind of super being that could just walk on their hands and make it look so casual as if they were strolling down the middle of the street, right? And the music's playing and the hoopla. And I don't know why. those were the main, main things that stuck out my head. I mean, sure, there were the giant floats.

It was all that stuff, but it's funny what the human mind retains, what the human mind latches onto. And maybe that was kind of my indication at an early age that I kind of like the more bizarre, kind of obscure, kind of weird stuff. You know, maybe that's why it's stuff. duck in my head. I don't know. I've always been a fan of the kind of the wackier, weird, bizarre kind of things in life. And so maybe instead of a giant huge float with flowers and blooms and people, I enjoyed that. Although I did always wonder about the people waving.

Have you ever, have you ever waved for hours on end? I actually had to ride in a parade once. It wasn't a Christmas pray, but it was like a town break. And you actually kind of get tired. Your hands like going back and forth and you got it up. Like try it right now if you want. Put your hand up, you know, in a wave, kind of your elbow out to your left and then your forearms sticking up to heaven and just start waving your hand, twisting your wrist. Try it for about, you know, a minute even. Then tell me if it doesn't get

annoying and tiring. So imagine these people like rolling down the street walking down these streets and these parades and uh they're just waving away i mean i don't know if they'd be able to use their arms for the next four months mommy are you gonna open your christmas present i can't my arms are paralyzed i mean good lord hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes you always want to have better sex that's You want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy.

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code harland have fun don't throw your back out well anyways all this talk about the parade is just making me hungry hungry for more parade let's get back there uh times of wasting uh we're missing floats let's get back to john and john for the 14th annual harland highway Day Parade. Well, here we are. We are back at the Harlan Highway 49th annual Christmas Parade. I'm John Walters here with my sidekick John starters.

How are you, John? Are you having fun at today's 29th annual Harlan Highway Christmas parade? Not really, John. It's been one lemon pie after another. Well, we have had a bit of a slow start. I appreciate some of your constructive criticism on some of the earlier floats, John. I wouldn't even go that far, John.

What do you mean, John? Well, constructive criticism, my hairy buffalo-covered ass cheeks. Oh, well, look out. It wasn't constructive at all, John. It was just right to the criticism. There's nothing constructive about it. I shot those floats down the way a drunk hunter shoots a Canadian goose out of a Minnesota swap. They had it coming because their floats aren't really working.

Okay, Java, let's put that behind us because here comes a wonderful new entry this year. Here comes the giant float from the Pick My Face Puss Clinic. And they have just a wonderful float. It looks like a giant pockmark floating down the street here, John. Yes, and what a poor choice this is. As we know, Christmas is full of treats, children getting chocolates and candy canes hung by the chimney with care, John.

And to put a float in the braid of a giant pockmark to remind us how sensitive our complexions are and remind us how easily our youth can be covered with pus-riddled acne is just not the type of message we want to convey during this quote-unquote sweet time of year, John. Well, you might have a point there, John. I'll tell you what, nothing fills the air with more magic than a sweet bowl of apple cider with a little sugar cane in it and some brownies and some Christmas cookies.

Yes, John, and what's really making this float even more unbearable, if you'll watch the people walking the streets dressed as little elves, they've got their red furry hats on with the pom-poms on the end, they're walking the streets, waving to the eager, excited crowd on the side of the road. And if you'll notice, John, all these people have what we call adult acne. Oh, okay, John, adult acne. Yes, John, that's when somebody continues with an acne smeared face beyond their adolescent years. I understand.

So, most young adults, most children in their adolescent years, acne is a phase, so to speak. Yes, but some people carry acid. acne and a pus-riddled face straight into adulthood. And what's happening here to kind of drive the message home about adult acne, as you can see the people walking the street are walking up to people in the crowd and squeezing their zits. Their acne, their pus is squirting into people's eyes. It reminds me of someone at a seafood restaurant trying to open a saltwater oyster.

John. Oh, well, that's quite the graphic imagery, John, and that is a little hard to watch. Oh, there goes. It looks like one of the braid people from the Pick My Face Puss Clinic just squished some pus into a little boy's eye. Yes, John, and that boy will be traumatized

for years to come every time he sees a pizza or anything red. All he'll be able to think about is a zip-covered, pus-boiled face from these pus-covered adult acne-riddled freaks. Oh, my, John. And this float is not really working. Well, I guess maybe I have a boy, John,

but hold on, because coming in behind the Pick-My-Face Puss Clinic, it looks like Anthony's albinos. What, in the name of Swiss cheese and a side order of carrot cake? is Anthony's albinos. Well, I guess it's an Italian restaurant here on the edge of the Harland Highway, and I guess their gimmick is, John, that all their waiters and waitresses are albinos. And might I say Al Paso? What do you mean, John? You say albino, I say El Paso. You wouldn't catch me in that freak house for a slice of pizza unless maybe all the blood drips. drained out of my system, and I was the same color as those phantoms.

Wow, John, I think albinolism is a genetic situation. Yes, you can give it all the scientific credence you want. A freak is a freak is a phantom. It looks like these people are wrapped in Kleenex. It's terrifying. They're pale. Their eyes are red. They look like rats right out of a horror movie.

Well, now, John, and look at that. The kids in the crowd are confused. Most of them have never seen an albino. They think they're snowmen, and many of the kids, look at that down there, John. They're shoving carrots in the albino's faces right into their noses thinking that they're walking, talking snowman. Oh, my goodness. And look out. What, John, what do you see now?

Here comes someone who's, I guess it's one of the guys keeping the street. for the parade he's got a snowblower he must think the albino's all clumped together like that is one big massive snow squall or some kind of snowdrift and it looks like oh my goodness he's plowing right through them severed limbs and arms and crimson red splashing all over their ivory white freak skin oh my wow the crowd is really reeling back in horror as the albinos are being sucked into that snowblower, and it really is a macabre scene. A macabre scene indeed.

A scene I wish no one had ever taken the time to film. John, Andre's albino's float, is not really working, John. What's that, John? It's not really working. Okay, well, let's take a... break will they sort through the body parts down there and john we will be back with more from the 19th annual harland highway christmas parade i mean it's really ridiculous john not even a thanksgiving turkey has that much white meat thank you john we'll be right back i mean god it makes me want to

throw up a roll of golf balls i don't know what that means John neither do I it's just a gut reaction wow okay um boy the uh the guys are I guess they're enjoying the parade John and John it sounds like they're uh I think I can never tell with them how much they're liking it but I hope you folks are liking it I'm I'm enthralled I'm I'm uh I'm captivated I'm I'm enchanted It's just a wonderful parade, some wonderful floats from the local folks here on the Harlan Highway, a great effort, a great sense of community and spirit. And, you know, you got to admire the people that put these floats together. It's no easy feat to put together a 90-foot float and who knows how tall they are and fill them up with air and plaster them with flowers and make the costumes.

It really is a spectacle, and I hope you're enjoying it. Now, for some of you around the country, around the world, who are listening, I know you live in regions where maybe there isn't snow. And, you know, I grew up in a region that had snow, the cold, the Canadian cold, the Canadian snow. And somehow that cold made the parade seem a little more. alive, a little more realistic as opposed to now I live down in California

and every year in Hollywood God bless them, they put on a big Santa Claus parade and it just, there's something missing. Okay, there's something missing when you're standing on the sidewalk and your

you know, your Adidas T-shirt and your blue shorts and your black socks and your running shoes. and, you know, you've got to wear a sun hat because it's so hot. You got your sun repelling on, your sunblock, and you're sweating, and the street still kind of smell, and you're getting a tan. And then all of a sudden, here comes a big float of some skiers or some reindeer or some candy canes

or some elves or God bless him Santa himself comes around the corner with eight reindeer trotting down the hot, sticky asphalt. If a reindeer actually put his hoof on it, it would probably melt and stick to the asphalt. It'd be like one of those prehistoric tar pits.

Remember where animals step on the melting tar and they sink into the earth and millions of years later, we'd dig them up. I wonder if sometime down the road, millions of years from now, whoever's still here on planet Earth will be excavating a eight reindeer and a Santa Claus and a sleigh

from somewhere beneath the molten tar that melts in the 100-degree Palm Springs heat down here in sunny California. I'm just saying, God love the parades. God love the people that put them on, but boy, does this warm weather kind of take the edge off it? Right?

I mean, picture the opposite. Picture doing like a summer fest or a volleyball tournament up in the Northwest territories, the middle of winter. How's that going to go over? You know, people, the ball flies through the air, and hits their frostbitt fingers and their fingers snap off? My fingers just snapped off.

They're frozen solid. But anyways, it's just an observation. All I'm saying is personally, I got to admit, as much as I hate cold, I do enjoy my parade a bit more when there's snowflakes falling down from the sky, and there's a little bit of a nip in the air. but let's not let's not let's not let that take away from what we have here today we're getting towards the end of the parade i think

santa claus will be coming down the road any second now let's not miss it let's get back to our commentators john and john and pick up the end of the fourth annual harland highway christmas day parade well here we go here we go we are down to the near the end of the end of the end of the end of the end of the day parade Well, here we go, here we go. We are down to the, near the end of our parade here, John. Yes, John, and it couldn't have come a minute too soon. Well, now, what do you mean by that, John? Well, this parade has really stunked the join-out as they used to say when I hung out in pool halls as a child. Well, John, I mean, there have been some colorful fun floats.

There's also a lot of color in a puddle of vomit if you check the sidewalks outside of Flanagan's pub on a Thursday night. I mean, come on, John. This parade's not really working. Well, you know, we still have time, John. It looks like we have one more float coming down before Santa Claus himself comes down around the corner. And this is an interesting float, John. It looks like for the first time ever in our history of the Braids, we have a float sponsored by a TV show.

Well, isn't that a surprise? Look at that. The major networks trying to cash in once again on a family event that should be, in my mind, John, a commercial-free event. Well, John, I think you might like this float, because this float represents something that does good for people. There's a show on television, John, called The Biggest Loser, where they take... I know what they do.

They take the chubbiest people in America, full-on walking manatees. They throw them into a fat camp, and they deprive them of chocolates, trinkets, and goodies until they slim down and all their blubber rots away. Well, I guess that's one way to put it, John. Well, I can put it another way. Starve the fatcical. A fatsicle, John? You heard me right.

A fatsicle. Okay, well, here comes the float. And look at that, John. We have a whole bunch of the contestants from the actual show walking down the road, and up in the air they are pulling a giant balloon. It looks like a giant cup cup. Yes, John, and what a poor choice. These four poor fatties wobbling beneath a giant balloon

from the very creature comfort that put them on the fat radar, so to speak. Well, I guess you have a point there, John. I sure do. That's like someone with cancer walking a leukemia mole down the street on a leash. It just doesn't make sense. Why? I torture yourself. Very good point, John. But you do have to admire those people down there must be over two, three hundred pounds apiece. I'm willing to bet they dip the scale at five or six hundred. You throw a shag carpet on that collection of monsters and you've got yourself a herd of woolly mammoths, John. Well, that's not be critical, John. And just the fact that they're out here walking says a lot. It also says, watch out.

There's a lot of young children in the crowd on the side of the curb, some of them not much bigger than maybe a large turkey or a couple of pound cakes stacked one on top of the other. My fear is that these warbling, wobbling fat palaces suck some of these children right off the sidewalk. The way you see a fish, suck another fish off the floor of the floor of the wall. ocean. Now what do you mean, John? Well, I'm sure you've seen the Discovery Channel, where they go down to the bottom of the ocean, and there's these fish that sit in the sand disguised as rocks and coral.

You can barely tell there's a fish there. I think I've seen that, John. And all of a sudden, here comes an unsuspecting fish, swimming by, and before you know it, zap and slurp. It sucks the other fish before the other fish know what hit it. And I'm afraid that these shobsters are going to get an appetite doing all this walking and suck a child. Oh, my God, before I could even finish my sentence, I just saw one of the fatsters suck a four-year-old child into its mouth. That child is gone, John.

Now, I'm not sure I saw what you saw. Oh, wait a minute. There goes another one, and another one, John. And another one over there. And there goes another one, John. And there goes another one. The fatcicles are going on a feeding frenzy. Oh, my God.

The parents, and they're trying to shield their children. And they've just sacked in one of the adults. I can still see their legs. Their legs dangling out of the chumsicle's mouth. Oh, my goodness. You were right when you called this one, John. I sure was, John. Once you've got the fever for sugar, icing, and flubbleicious flubsters,

you're going to come and eat and suck in food no matter what form it comes in. I hate to see this, but a bunch of families have just lost their children for Christmas. Wow, well, let's give thanks that that float went by, John. Yes, because that float was not really... working, John. Okay, well, this is one float that always works, John. Here it comes around the bend.

I can see it, John. It's Santa Claus. Here he comes Jolly St. Nick and his eight reindeer. Here they come around the corner. Yes, and may I say unfortunately, John. Now, why do you say that, John?

Well, just take a look, John. What do you mean? Take a close look at Santa. Well, now, wait a minute. He does look a little slender this year, John, and he... Don't say he. It's not a he. What are you talking about, John? It's a she. That's what I'm talking about. What in the world? That's right. Someone from the town council here decided that having a male Santa year after year was sexy. sexist, sexist. So, of course, the busy bodies got together. They threw a vote together in City Hall. And guess what?

This year, we've got Jolly St. Nicholas, the female Santa. Oh, now, wait a minute, John. I don't know if I agree with that. Neither do I. Imagine Santa getting ready to get on his sleigh and having to douche or put him. a tampon. What kind of... Now, wait a minute, John.

No, don't wait a minute, me. It's a fact of life. Women have their periods. Last thing I want is Santa Claus flying over my house in the middle of the night, has a menstrual accident, and has to change tampons, and throws a used one over the side of the sleigh,

and God forbid, it slides right down my chimney, and there it is Christmas morning. sitting in there with the fire logs. It's not really working, John. Well, I guess you have a bit of a point there, John. It is a bit upsetting to cut from tradition and take the male Santa that we all know and love and replace it with a woman.

It's just another sad sign of how politically correct this country has gotten. Now we have, instead of a fat, overweight, jolly man who probably boozes it up in the back of his wood shop. Now we've got a Santa that puts on fishnet stockings, Mabelene eye cream, wrinkle cream, a garter belt, and who knows if the boobs are real or fake in this day and age, John. Wow, well, that is an interesting observation, John.

And look as they go along. Look at that. Oh, my goodness. It looks like Santa is starting to dance. DeSanta's starting to wriggle, and she's taking off her top, John. She's taking off her red jacket. Oh, my God. She's twirling it around her head and gyrating her hips, John.

Oh, my God. She's just taking her bra off, John. Oh, my God. Those ripe melons look like the heads of two snowmen. They're so white. Oh, my God, John. And those nipples look like a flattened carrot. You got that right, John.

This is a disgrace. Having a woman as Santa Claus obviously is not really working. Oh, watch out, John. Here comes our panties. They're flying up into our booth. Ow! Ow! I just got hit in the eye with a victorious secret panty. I'm going to get an eye infection. I can feel the yeast coming into my eye as we speak. Oh, my God, John. Well, that's all the time we have for today. That is the end of our 97th Harland Highway Santa Claus Parade. And I've got enough yeast to make Christmas cookies for everyone in the neighborhood. Well, thank you for joining us, everybody.

Thank you, John. And I'm sorry that this parade was not really working this year. Maybe next year, John. Maybe next year. From me, myself, John Waters. And me, John Starders, Merry Christmas, everyone. That's right, John. Merry Christmas. Better get me to a hospital, John.

Well, maybe first you can make me some of those cookies you talked about. Just get me to the goddamn hospital, you jacked up, jungle gym jumping jackass. Wow, worst of the season to you, John. Up yours. Well, they're there. go again. John and John are our parade commentators. I hope you enjoyed the parade

ladies and gentlemen as we get closer it just puts that a little extra magic in the air. I had a riot. I hope you did too. Merry Christmas. Happy holidays as we get closer and closer

and we're out of time. The parade is over. The lights have gone down and the candy bar wrappers are rolling down the street. So until next time, everybody, chicken chameen, baby.