The Harland Highway - PODCAST 207

Episode Date: December 22, 2010

The doctor's office, Celebrity races, windows, toilet paper, and Life Coach Dr. Debbie Thymer. Butterscotch brumble breads!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Last Christmas, I gave you my podcast the very next day you gave it away this year. All right, all right, all right. You didn't give it away. If you did give it away, I would be really upset and you would ruin my Christmas. So let me give away this podcast to you. And then if you want to give it away to a friend, that's great. and what a podcast it is because we're going to be talking about all kinds of crazy stuff.

Have you been to the doctor lately? Yikes. Don't we all hate that? We're going to be talking about the doctor visits. We're going to be going with Charles Parsley to the celebrity racetrack. Today is our big Christmas race, Santa Claus and the Grinch and Frosty and Rudolph. We're going to be racing today. It's going to be unbelievable.

we're going to be talking about windows and not the windows you look out of it's a different kind of window stick around to find out what it is we're going to be getting into toilet paper how much do you use I don't know let's ask the question and of course Dr. Debbie Timer is here

the life coach to be taking phone calls helping people with their lives and that's what the Harlan Highway does. It helped you live Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hi, I'm Jackie want to play.

Please go away and leave me alone. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Keep it going. Love the show. You're hilarious. My blank and my blue blanket. Give me my blue blanket. Fasten your seat, you're riding down the Harlan Highway. It's the Haarland Highway.

Have you checked the children? Who has to go to the toilet? Who has to go to the toilet? Anybody have to go to the toilet? All of us every day use the toilet. Could they make it any more embarrassing at the grocery stores? You ever have to go in and have to buy new? toilet paper and you kind of want to just be low key about it because it's a little bit weird you're

putting toilet paper in with your food let's see i got pork chops i got some orange juice i got some salisbury steak i got some fresh tomatoes and oh yeah some butt wipe hello and you can't just get a roll of toilet paper oh no you can't get two you can't get three They only sell it in these giant bulk bin. You almost need a forklift. Yeah, back to forklift up. I've got to get some bum wight. And then you get up to the checkout line,

and you got to reach in, and you pull this big thing out and clonk it. And you think it's just going to jam as it slowly slides down the conveyor belt, and everyone's staring at it. Hey, man, what's with the 97 rolls of toilet paper, man, you better put your mini-weets back, man. That's the last thing you need is, uh, fiber in your diet, dude.

There's nothing else in the store. If I buy toothpaste, I don't have to buy a box of it. If I buy shampoo, I can buy one bottle. What's with the giant, giant wad of toilet paper? I'd stay here and talk about it more, but you know what? I got to go. Yeah, I got to go. We'll be right back here on the Harlan Highway.

And is it just me or do the ladies burn through the toilet paper way faster than dudes? I don't know if you guys have a girlfriend or you live with a girl or you have a wife or you have a girl that comes over now and then. but obviously, you know, a girl probably has to use toilet paper every time she goes. I would think, I don't know, do girls wipe the front area? Boy, this is an interesting question I maybe should have asked a long time ago. I would think they do. I've never really asked. Maybe one of you girls can call into the show and inform an idiot like me.

After you go pee, do you grab toilet paper and wipe? I think so I'm not joking I've never really asked this question so 323 215 1486 that's through 323 215 1486

ladies call in and let us dumb guys know if you do that because you know here I am going oh women burn through toilet paper faster but maybe that's probably why

But it is interesting. You know, if you're a single guy and you live alone, you throw a roll of toilet paper on there, you know, it's there for like a month, maybe two, I don't know. But as soon as a lady friend's around, that toilet paper rolls off. And it's like, that thing gets changed every three days just about. I almost picture girls like little gerbils or little hamsters, right? They're stealing the toilet paper. and making a little nest somewhere, right?

If you search around your house and you find a corner in the closet or behind a curtain, there'll be like little chewed-up toilet paper nest in there. You know, like a mouse does when you have a pet mouse, and they find little pieces of straw and chew up newspapers and cardboard tubing. It's like the girls aren't even wiping. They just like that soft, that soft, uh, two-ply toilet paper. And they're making little toilet paper girls' nests.

You know, when you get in a fight, well, I don't want to talk to you right now. I'm going inside. They need some alone time. And then they curl up in their little toilet paper nest and ruffle around and tuck their head into their belly and sleep like a cute little guinea pig or a hamster.

That's what that's probably it. Well, anyways, please, girls, call the show, clear up the toilet paper mystery so we can set the record straight. 323, 215, 1486. Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, on this crisp December afternoon. It's cold. Everyone can see their breaths, and we're here at the Holland Highway Celebrity Racetrack for the Christmas race in the gate, Santa Claus and Gate 1, the Grinch you stole Christmas in Gate 2, Rudolph, the Red Nose, Reindeer, and Gate 3,

and Frosty, the Snowman, and Gate 4. It promises to be a festive holiday-filled race today with a holiday celebrity celebrity, There they go, and they're off. They are off running, and it looks like Rudolph, quite naturally. It's out in the lead with his strong animal fore-legged body. He's on the run, but it looks like the Grinch that stole Christmas isn't going to let it happen. The Grinch that stole Christmas swinging a lasso of barbed wire around his head. He's wrapped it around Rudolph's head.

He's yanked Rudolph back by the neck. Rudolph's neck spurning blood, and Rudolph is down for the moment. Frosty the Snowman, building up some... Steve. He's running down the track, running down the track, but he seems to be sweating. He seems to be more than sweating. He seems to be perspirationing. He seems to be leaking almost, and here comes Santa Claus. A jolly merry old man is belly bouncing up and down as he runs. It looks like he's in behind, but it looks like he's giving it the old school try. And Rudolph the rain-nosed reindeer has stood up. He's charging, he's turning back from the grinch that stole Christmas. Oh, he's head. budded the Grinch in his green belly but the Grinch isn't done yet the Grinch pulls out some wires and stuffs them up rudolph's nose rudolph being electrocuted on the track and santa claus st nick takes advantage of this he runs past thundering down the track his fat belly bouncing up and down and frosty frosty seems to be getting lighter with each step he actually seems to be physically shrinking and this is

helping him pick up speed he's starting to move down the track and it looks like rudolph and the grinch the grinch is still going at it rudolph and the grinch the grinch has stuck his green fingernails into rudolph's eyes rudolph is stabbing the grinch with his horns and black blood is coming out sent is charging down the track it looks like his pants have fallen down and his rosy red cheeks are glivering in the sun frosty's almost down to nothing frosty and santa at the line is grinch and rudolph Punch it out, and it looks like Frosty's turned into complete liquid, and he's going to cross the finish line as a wave of water. Frosty the Snowman, Inches out Jolly St. Nick as he washes across the finish line

and is absorbed in the mud and is unable to collect his victory prize. So Santa wins by default as he splashes around. Happy holidays! This is Charles Parsley at the Hollinaway Celebrity Racing. wow wow wow wow what a race quite the race old old santa coming in at the end poor rudoff and the grinch slugging it out intense man intense and here's something else that's intense that that unfortunately is a part of life but every now and then we all get sick right we all get sick and we've got to go to the old doctor and we've got to see what's wrong with us. We have an ache or a pain or something's going on. And you don't like going to the doctor to begin with, right?

Because it's just, it kind of scares you. It's depressing. It reminds you of your mortality. It reminds you that you have a bunch of working parts and something could go wrong and yada, yada, yada. But what's worse that makes the experience even more kind of dreadful is when you get to the doctor's office and you don't walk in right away

and go, hey, Doc, I'm here, check me out. No, they're like, could you have a, to take a seat in the waiting room? The doctor will be with you shortly, sir. Oh, yeah, okay. And then you turn and you look at that waiting room, and there's like five or six or seven other people waiting there, too. And it looks like somebody, like,

through a depression party people are just like sulked into their seats their body language they're all hunched over their eyes are full of like sorrow and depression they're all sitting there and they look like they're ready to go into the slaughterhouse right oh i hate it and then you have to you know slink down into your seat suddenly you're part of the entourage you're one of the walking dead right and you just sit there and nobody really wants to look at each other but you can't help it so you look around and there's an old lady a crusty old lady with veins coming out of her hands blue veins running under her skin and you know age spots around her eyes and then there's some other guy at the other end with a beard, his nose is all red, and he's sniffling.

Then there's an old guy with a cane and a little hat. And then there's someone trembling in the corner, and then there's someone sitting beside you, like, they pull out an inhaler, and they've got slippers on, and somebody smells like Vicks NyQuil, and, oh. It's like, it's like, it's like, Walk it into a zombie festival.

It's like Night of the Living Dead in that waiting room, man. It's just nothing could be more depressing and dark than just sitting there with all the sickies. And you're one of them. You're one of them. You're sitting there and you're all like, oh, God, what's right? I just want to get out of here. Oh, what's wrong with me? Oh, why does my, what is that thing inside just under my room?

ribs hurt and why am I all congested and right and you're just sitting there and you're like I wonder what that guy's going in for I wonder how long that guy's got to live I wonder what's going on with that guy I wonder if I have what that guy has and then you go I wonder what I have

what's he going to do to me what's this going to lead to okay it might start with that little stethoscope on my chest and then it might lead to him drawing blood and then he might cut something off of me and then I might have to go to the hospital for further investigation

and then I might have to get an x-ray and then I might have to get an MRI and then I might have to die and then you just run and jump out of the window remember how the lion and Wizard of Oz turned around and ran down that hallway and just jumped out the window

that's what you feel like man Tell me when it's over. I want to go home. I am ours, the great and powerful. Oh, geez. Yeah, it's brutal, man. So stay healthy. Do some preventive work on yourself.

Get to the gym. Watch what you eat. You know, just take care of yourself If I will the king Of the forest And I griff And I griff And I grff

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Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Hey, hey, hey, it's Harlan Williams and you're rolling down the Harlan Highway with me, your humble host, you're a happy, friendly host with a smile on his little puffy face. You know what I want to talk to you about today is the window. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I don't mean the window on your car. I don't mean the window in your office or on your house. There's a much worse window.

There's a window that you can't throw rocks at and break, although I wish I could. It's that window that they give you when your phone line goes down or your air conditioner breaks. You know what I'm talking about. You call the repair guys. They go, yeah, we've got a window here. We'll give you a window. Let's see, between 6 in the morning and midnight. We're going to give you a window.

Okay, thanks. Thanks, phone company. Yeah, I'll just call work, tell them I can't come in, and I'll just sit here all day staring at the driveway, waiting for your truck to pull up. Maybe when we pay our bills, we should give them a way. window uh excuse me mr williams we haven't received a payment for your phone for over uh nine months yeah well you know i'm just i got a window see i've got a window of paying you between now

and when i die yeah i'm gonna slam the window i want to slam it right on the repair guy's face once he gets here thanks for fixing my fridge here at the rip van winkle household Hi, Lynn Williams. Hi, I'm Dr. Debbie Timber, and I'm your life coach. I am my baby's mother's sister's daughter, and it's time to get a life, your life. Hi, welcome to Life Coach. I'm Dr. Debbie Timer, and today we'll be taking your calls to see what's bothering you, see how I can help you improve your life, put your life back on track, get it into shape, get it to the place where you need to be. Sometimes when we're busy and we're running around and we have a million things to do, multitasking, it's hard to stay in control of our own life. and that's where I come in.

Dr. Debbie Timer, your life coach. Let's go to a caller. Hi, this is Dr. Debbie. How may I help you? Oh, yeah, this is Ted out of Pittsburgh. Ted Davidson, calling from Pittsburgh. Okay, how are you tonight, Ted? I'm a little, well, to be honest, doctor, I'm a little...

Spit it out. Would you please spit it out? God damn it, spit it out, you son of a whore. I'm a little perturbed, doctor. I'm having problems with my wife. Okay, very common. How long have you been married? Well, we've been married 14 years living in Pittsburgh

and just, you know, just we've been happy. been healthy. Everything's been copesthetic, as they say. Yes, they do. I love that word. I say it all the time. Copesthetic. Yeah, copesthetic, doctor. And everything was fine up until about six months ago. Okay. Did you have a fight and altercation with your wife? No, it had nothing to do with that. There were no flare-ups. It's something that she started doing. around the house that has made everyone, including my kids, very, very uncomfortable. Okay, can you elaborate? Well, it's something that takes place when we have guests over.

It happens on the holidays. It'll happen after meals. It's just... Well, why don't you open up about it? I know this is probably hard. What exactly is going on? Well, we have a cat. We have a cat named Mr. Tinkles. And after our cat uses the litter box, Dr. Karen, Debbie, I'm sorry, Dr. Debbie. That's okay.

After it uses the litter box, it does this thing where it will sit on its haunches. It will sit on its buttocks, so to speak, on the carpet. Dr. Debbie, and with its bottom legs spread and its front legs in between its lower legs, it literally will pull itself across the carpet. Okay, I've seen this many times. Yeah, and it looks like not to be a vulgar doctor, but it looks like he's kind of wiping his bottom as he scoots along the carpet, pulling his... His anus is sliding along the carpet.

Well, he pulls himself along with his front paws. Exactly, doctor. Exactly. Okay, well, maybe what you need is a pet therapist. I don't know how... Well, here's where my wife comes in, doctor. Okay. Well, ever since my wife saw the cat doing that, how do I put this delicately?

Just use words, sir. This is an open forum. where I'm your life coach, and I help you talk about these things. All right, then, every time my wife takes a dump, instead of using toilet paper, she comes out into the living room, sits down on the carpet, and pulls her ass along the carpet, and wipes it all over the place. Oh, my God.

That's what I said. She just drags her ass around in circles on the carpet and leaves these giant skid-marked donuts all over the... Okay, now maybe you'll be able to... Okay, now maybe you'll be... are getting a little too graphic. Well, I don't know what else they're called, and they look like a crop

circles or shit circles. Sir, you can't use the S word on the radio. I'm sorry, I'm just so upset. You know, these circles, and she's starting to make patterns, and she just pulls her pants down, and she's dragging her naked ass

around in circles on the carpet. Okay, calm down. I'm trying, doctor. I'm trying. Do you know how how her red, her ass has become? Well, now, I'm sure there's going to be some chafing. Are you kidding me? She looks like a baboon doctor.

She's got this red chap and baboon ass, and the kids are getting scared and they're starting to throw bananas at her. I'm sorry? That's right. When she's twirling around in circles, the kids start throwing bananas. They think her own mother's a goddamn baboon,

an ass-scraping baboon monkey. Okay, so you've got to watch her. language. Well, it's a little hard to do when you got a shit monkey making shit circles on your carpet. Sir? I'm sorry. I'm just very upset. I'm just very upset. Well, we're going to have to get this under control. I don't know what to do. I threw thumbtacks down on the carpet. I'm sorry? I threw thumbtacks and carpenter nails. You threw nails and thumbtacks onto the carpet. Oh yeah, her ass is scraping around like an alien making. and crop circles in a cornfield

except she's leaving giant circular shit streaks all over my Afghan rug. Stop it, sir. And when the guests came over at Easter, we had a nice Easter dinner, we're all sitting at table and the kids are like, where's mommy? And we all look over and there's mommy

doing chocolate donuts all over the Afghan rug. Sir, you're going to have to shut your goddamn mouth. Well, no need to get hasty and nasty with me, doctor. I'm just calling about the problem. the problems, your foul language, sir. I don't think my foul language is at issue here.

What's at issue are these orange peel skin marks swirling around? Sir, please hang up. I can't help you. I need your help, doctor. Why don't you call a carpet cleaning servant? Please, doctor. I need it to stop. Please hang up, you stupid fucking basket case. What did you call me? Fuck off.

Wow, I'm sorry about that. That was just strange and unusual. I'm going to have her come over and pull a skid mark around your face, you son of us. I'm sorry about that. I'm Dr. Karen. I'm Dr. Debbie Timer. I'm, we'll see you next time, and I'm your life coach. Who the hell was that?

Who's screening these calls? Honestly, shit crops, Circles? Idiot! Oh my God. Wow. You know, I try to keep my podcast really clean. I try to stay away from foul language, you know. I feel like every podcast out there, it's just swearing and blue. language and God bless them if that's what they want to do but I try to work without all that

but I have to say and I'm sure you've noticed that the only time the language kind of flares up is on Dr. Debbie's show and I might have to talk to her about that I might have to have a meeting with her a staff meeting I don't know because you know I'm trying to keep it clean I'm trying to keep it family friendly here at the Harland Highway. And she just goes off. She starts cussing and yelling at her guests. I mean, wow. So for anyone whose ears are ringing, I do apologize.

It's kind of the only time it really happens here on the show. But anyways, you know, there'll be more Dr. Debbie in the month's day. come. She is helpful, I guess. I mean, who couldn't use a little life coaching, by the way, by the bye. Well, we're getting close, folks. We are getting close to Christmas. Can you believe it? We are very, very, very close to Christmas. And, you know, next show, I've decided I'm going to sing a carol for you folks. Now, whether that makes you go, oh, great, well, I'm not tuning into that podcast, or you're like, oh, my goodness, I love Harlan's angelic voice.

Oh, no, it's neither angelic, it's neither good nor bad, but I thought I would kind of embarrass myself and put myself on the line for you, my faithful listeners, and sing you a Christmas carol. So if you tune in next show, which will be our last show before Christmas, yours truly, will croon you as you segue into the merriest of days. And I'm excited, man. I'm excited. I hope you're excited. I hope you've got a tree up. I hope you've got your lights up, your stockings hanging by the bed. I hope you've got plans I hope you've got family and friends around you and even if you don't

you know some people end up at Christmas without anyone around them even if you don't I think Christmas is a time to whether you're religious or not it's a really good time where everything's kind of quiet and it's a good time to kind of be introspective and if you believe in prayer,

it's a great time to just sit down alone and stare out into the sky or stare up at the ceiling or close your eyes and maybe say a prayer and wish good things on your friends and family and yourself and spread the love. So try and do that at this special time of year

and, you know, it's a time when we get a chance to maybe do that. You know, throughout the year you get busy, you're going to work, you're dealing with family and finances, and maybe you forget. And even at Thanksgiving, it's chaotic. But there seems to be a peacefulness that ensues around Christmas time. And so I encourage you to take advantage of the little lull in the storm. as they might say, and spend five, 10, 20 minutes, half an hour, 30 seconds, whatever you have, you know, getting a little inside yourself and inside your mind and your spirit and your soul.

And give praise, give thanks, give love. and I think you'll find that very fulfilling. But maybe that's just me. But give it a shot, see what happens, and hopefully we all have a great next year. And we'll look forward to our next show, which is the last show before Christmas. And as I said, I will perform a carol for you.

You might need Dr. Debbie after me singing to you. So that's it for today. Thank you for joining in on the Harland Highway. Great having you here. And until next time, chicken chow maim, baby. Is my nose bleeding?