The Harland Highway - PODCAST 208

Episode Date: December 24, 2010

VHS tapes, Christmas carols, news stories and how they're told, Celebrity races. Sweet chicken cheese fries!! Merry Christmas everybody!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Woo! Sing it. It's Christmas, everybody. Are you ready? This is our last podcast before the Christmas holiday of Christmas. So today is going to be a super fun show, a lot of Christmas-y stuff.

There will be some stuff that's not Christmas. Christmassy throwing in there just to keep the conversation moving, you know. But, you know, we're going to be talking about maybe some outdated technology, which is very Christmassy, right? We're going to be going to the Celebrity Racetrack, the Harlan Highway Celebrity Racetrack. And then we're going to be sprinkling in some Christmas carols for you, a couple from my childhood that I grew up on, that some of you, may recognize and love.

And we're also going to be talking about news and news stories and how they deliver the news and how irritating it can be. And then as promised on the last podcast, I promised you, yours truly would sing you a Christmas carol. I know it's against my better judgment. I'm going to give it a shot. It's from me to you. It's Christmas.

It's time to give. And I'm giving it right here, the Harlan. Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway Hi, I'm Jackie want to play Please go away

And leave me alone You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway Man, keep it going Love the show You're hilarious My blanche! My blue blanket Give me my blue blanket

You're riding down The Harlan Highway It's the Holland Highway. Have you checked the children? Oh yeah, oh yeah, boys and girls, it's Christmas. It's Christmas, boys and girls. God, it's exciting time of year, isn't it? Was that George Michael whispering Merry Christmas to me?

Oh, God. Okay, Michael. Merry Christmas. Ooh, stop it. Stop it, please. Producers, whoever's doing that. God. Anyways, folks, Merry Christmas.

Happy holidays. Whatever you're celebrating. I'm a Catholic boy, so obviously I'm talking about Christmas here. That's what I grew up on. That's what I know. Don't feel left out if I'm excluding. Happy Kwanza or happy Hanukkah or happy... I don't even know all the different celebrations, okay?

But whatever it is, joy, happiness, love, peace to you and you and you and urine. Doesn't it always sound like they're saying urine when they say that? Blessed joy and peace to you and urine. I think they're saying urine, but it always sounds like urine to me. And I'm like, why are they blessing my urine? I mean, what if I have kidney stones? What if I have a bladder infection? Are you still going to bless my urine?

Oh, yes. Blessed peace, holy holidays, and to you and urine. But sincerely, yes, have a great holiday. And we've got all kinds of fun Christmas-themed, holiday-themed things going on in here today. guest coming in and this is a biggie i guess we should kick this off right now i'm excited about this uh i guess we have a celebrity coming in to read to us towards the night before christmas and let me just uh let me just look at our our guest sheet here i'm very excited maybe it's tom sellic or uh george cluny wouldn't that be fun if cluny sang uh uh red towards the night before

christmas okay let's see uh Hannibal Lecter You're kidding, right? Come on. Hannibal Lecter's... Okay, okay. I didn't book him. He is...

I guess he is a well-known celebrity, yes. Okay, here we go. Without further ado, I didn't book this guy. Twas the night before Christmas as read by the jolly Christmas guy himself, Hannibal Lecter. Take it away, Hannibal.

It was the night before Christmas, Clarice. When all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care in hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there. The children were nestled all snug in their beds, well, visions of kidneys. and spleen's danced in the heads, Clarice. And mother in a shawl, and I in my human skin suit had just settled in for a long winter's nap, Claris.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the band to see what was the matter. Away to the window, I flew like a flash. Tore open my flesh and threw up my ass. The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow gave the luster of midday to the objects below, Clarees. Do you dream of the reindeer at night, Clare? Can you hear Rudolph and blitzin and dancer and vixing screaming, Clarees?

Okay, enough. God, stop it! I want to eat your eyes like sugarplum candies, Clarees. Get them out of here! I want to wrap my presents in your skin, Clarees. Out! I can smell your... Christmas plum-cake pussy, Clarice. Get them out!

Out! Roger, what the hell was that? That was downright creepy. That wasn't Christmassy. Merry Christmas. And knock it off with the George Michael whispering Merry Christmas. That's even creepier. Sorry.

Merry Christmas. Roger! God, come on. All right, let's get out of here. You know what? We're going to step away. Let's go out. We got a great, great, crisp, clear blue day.

Let's go out to the Harland Highway Celebrity Racetrack. Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Holland Highway Celebrity Racetrack. I'm Charles Paisley announcing the race today. And what a race we have lined up for you today, ladies and gentlemen, we have rock superstar Bono in Gate 1, newscaster Katie Couric in Gate 3, comedian commentator Bill Maher in Gate 4 and Lady Gaga, rock star phenomenon in Gate 5. Everyone's in position, and there they go, the gate is open and the celebrities are off. The celebrities are charging down the track. Bono's in the lead, Votto's in the lead, followed close behind by Katie Couric,

who's giving it all Bill Maher running down the track even though he's not very athletic he seems to be making a go of it and Lady Gaga Lady Gaga actually something's happening with Lady Gaga Lady Gaga is actually starting to morph

we never know what she's going to do what she's going to look like it's looked like she's actually starting to morph into an actual horse Lady Gaga growing fur and getting down on all fours galloping down the track but let's get back to Bono

Bono's running down the track at full charge. He might have an advantage because of the sunglasses, blocking the mud, flying in the air. But wait, Bono spot some African-Americans in the crowd. Bono has run up to the stands. He's asking the African-Americans if they need AIDS pills. He seems to think that anyone who's African-American needs assistance with AIDS, thinks that they're underdeveloped, and the African-Americans are waving him off.

They say they live in Boston and they're doing well, but Bono won't let them go. And now Katie Couric is having an accident. Katie Couric is having an accident down in the middle of the track. She must have eaten something greasy before the race. She's actually squatting down in the middle of the track. She's lifted her skirt up over her knees. Katie Couric doing diarrhea.

Katie Couric spraying diarrhea in the middle of the track. And Bill Maher, Bill Maher stopping to talk to people in the crowd. He actually stops to talk to one of the referees at the sidelines. He's telling the referee that he knows every. Everything. He knows everything better than anyone else. And the referees getting ready to disqualify him, but Bill Ma's giving him a thousand reasons why he can't, because he knows more than anyone else. Lady Gaga has transformed into a full-blown horse. Who knows what she's ever going to look like? There she goes, charging down the track.

She's run through Katie Couric's diarrhea. And Bono's having the crap beat out of him by the African Americans. He won't let it go. And there goes, Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga crosses the finish line as a full-blown horse. Her whole body metamorphosized, her muscles rippling, her horse fur glisting in the sunlight. A fantastic race. Hope you enjoyed it.

I'm Charles Parsley. We'll see you next time at the Holland Highway Celebrity Races. God, what the hell was that deal with Bono and the AIDS thing? You know, I guess he does all that work in Africa where he's created all these charities in this movement where he gets AIDS pills to the millions of people suffering from AIDS. But I guess during this race, he's just got the fever. He's like anyone he sees that's black, he assumes that they're under the siege of AIDS. And it sounded like he was trying to help them and they were mystified. Well, God blesses charitable work, and maybe sometimes you can get too deep into your work.

Who knows? Let it go. And speaking, did you, Katie Couric? Okay? I don't have any love for the news people, but wow, she ate some White Castle or something. But speaking of news, you know what? I've got to get into this, because this pisses me off, okay? I don't want to be grumpy on Christmas, but, but. Have you noticed when you watch the news that they really don't think out the order of the importance of stories, okay?

For example, tonight, earlier tonight, I was watching the NBC World News with Brian Williams, okay? So you'd think they'd probably put like the most amazing, astounding, important stories up front, but they don't, okay? guess what story they put at the end of the news. It was a story about NASA had discovered, like, some new form of life, okay? Some new form of life, some new kind of genetic code that dispelled everything we knew about the genetic code, about DNA. They found a DNA that was able to exist on iodine or, no, arsenic instead of a protein or something like that, right?

Which, you know, to the layman's like, what the? But what it really means is that now scientists realize that maybe life and DNA is not all made up of the same thing. Up until now, we thought it was all the same blueprint. But then here comes this amazing find, and they go, wait a minute. Maybe we should change the places we're looking. change the places we're going to. It looks like we were in the dark about some of the ways that life can live

and function and survive. Okay, so that's a pretty astounding story. Like, to put it in perspective, NASA held a world news conference. Okay, they had press from all over planet Earth. They all came to NASA to hear this amazing, announcement. Okay. But guess where NBC News put the story? They buried it. It was the last story. You know what? Proceeded it. No word of a lie. They did a story about those stupid rings you

put around fat people's intestines. Okay? They did a 10-minute piece on that. Then before that, They did a 10-minute piece on snowstorms in Buffalo. Traffic was blocked for 10 miles. People slept in their cars for eight hours. Are you kidding me, man? Like fat people and people stranded in traffic are more important than we've just discovered a new form of life pretty much? Good Lord.

What the hell is wrong with us? I don't give a crap about a fatty, getting a ring around your intestine. How about this? Lay off the donuts, chubby. How's that? Maybe that'll save the taxpayers millions of dollars in surgery. How about put down the chicken wing and the donut and the pizza slice? Maybe jump on the treadmill for free.

How about that? Thunderella. Anyways, I shouldn't take it out on fat people, but I'm pissed at the news organizations because they, you know, they do this stuff. I mean, haven't we moved along technologically and as a society to the point where we get what's important? Right? Am I right? Technology? What am I talking about? I still own a VHS machine. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex?

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how many of you losers, yeah, and I put myself in that group, by the way, how many of you losers still have your VHS machines, and worse yet, your VHS tape? Oh, man. Remember those nerdy guys back all through the 90s? It was just like stockpiling VHSs, taping everything that came on TV, buying them. Oh, were they 20 bucks a pop back then?

Maybe 30 bucks a pop? Those big, clunky black VHS tapes that rattle around and make noise. And sometimes if the VHS machine is hungry, it eats them up. And they're a little bit grainy, and they hiss a little bit. You know what I'm talking about. How many are you holding on to those?

Huh? Where's my diehards at? Can't get rid of the old VHS. Oh, man, I bet you feel like a schmuck for... What do you got? Bookshelves full of VHSes? Clean them out. Nobody even on eBay wants that crap. Send them to the North Pole.

Let them build igloos out of little bricks. H.S. Inglues. Go out and buy everything you had on VHS, on DVD. So in about five years, when they come out with the new format, you can get screwed all over again. It's a technological sex life that goes forever. You just keep getting screwed. Oh, do it again. Oh, yeah.

Give me another one. Oh, thank you, sir. May I have another? Harlan Williams. Go rewind yourself, you VHS freaks. All right, enough of my ranting about the news and my dislike. This is a festive time of year. We should be upy.

We should be happy. Shouldn't be griping about silly little things. So let's get back to the Christmas stuff. As you folks know, I'm a Canadian boy. You know, I live in the U.S. I'm an American citizen now, but I still have my Canadian citizenship. and you always kind of remember the things you grew up on when you were a little kid, right? And I grew up in Canada, and a couple of our national heroes were the McKenzie brothers.

I don't know if you're familiar with them, but they were these two kind of hoser-type local yokels that kind of reflected kind of the hickish side of Canadian culture. Like if in the states you go, you know, you picture some kind of guy living down in the south or Tennessee, you know, like a hick. Well, the Canadian version of that was called a hoser. And, you know, they kind of have their own language and they're kind of simple and they're all about cigarettes and back bacon and beer. And so here we go. I'm going to play the McKenzie Brothers version of the 12 Days of Christmas. Hope you like it.

Oh, beauty. Okay, good day. This is our Christmas part of the album, and you can play this at your Christmas parties or to yourself on Christmas Eve if there's nothing else to do. Good day, eh? In case you thought, like, I wasn't on this part.

Oh, I guarantee you you'd be on. Okay, now. This is our Christmas song in case you don't know what to get somebody for Christmas. There's lots of ideas in here, so listen and don't get stuck. Duck. Okay.

By the way, that's me on the organ. Oh, jeez. You start. Okay. On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me a beer. On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me two turtlenecks and a beer. Okay, good. On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me three French toasts, two turtlenecks, and a beer.

Turtlenex and a beer. Okay, that should be more there, right? Where? Five days of Christmas, my true love gave to me. Four pounds of back bake. Three French toast. Two turtlenecks. And a beer in a tree.

See? Yeah. A fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me. Five golden tukes. Four pounds of back bacon. Three French toast. Two turtlenecks. And a beer in a tree.

Okay. Six. Two gold. Christmas, my true love gave to me. Six packs of two, four, five golden toks, beauty, four pounds a bag, three French toast, two turtle neck, and a beer in a tree. Okay.

On the seventh day Christmas, my true love gave for me, seven packs of smoking, six back to two gold, five golden toks, four pounds a bag, make, three French toes, two, turtle legs, and a beer in a day, In a tree This should just be the two days of Christmas It's too hard for us

Uh-huh Go-holder Oh, eight day for the truth To give to me Eight comic books Seven packs of smokes Six packs of two Four and five

Four and two Four months And a beer Yeah, that beer is empty Okay, date Uh-12 Good day, and welcome to Day 12. Yeah.

Gold and Two. Four pound of back meeting, three. French coast two turtlenecks and a beer in a tree. Good. We're doing to do that album. Of course. So, like, that's our song. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. And good day, good day. Oh, the memories. The Sweet Memories, that was Rick Moranis and Dave Thomas, two of the guys from the old show Second City. I might remember Rick Moranis, he was in all the Ghostbuster movies and Honey I Shrunk the Kids. And Dave Thomas, you know, you've seen them around in sitcoms. You've seen them, you know, little movie parts here and there. but one of the main prominent stars of the Second City television show.

So there you go. I hope you enjoyed that as much as I do. That's kind of like a Canadian tradition. And a lot of fun. A lot of fun. Now, speaking of Christmas carols, do you folks sing them? Are you those people that wander around the neighborhood and sing Christmas songs.

Roger! God, cut it out! Oh, God. Well, you know what? Christmas carols, I think you sing them. They may seem a little cheesy. They may seem a little like, no, I'm not doing that.

But you know what? They actually feel good. They're always kind of catchy. You know, they always kind of feel nice. There's an innocence about them. There's kind of a purest. about him, and can you say that about anything in society these days? Roger!

Good Lord, man! Well, I promise you guys the last podcast that, you know, I was going to sing you out, sing you out just before Christmas. Our final podcast before Christmas, I, yours truly, Harlan Williams, love it or hate it. I'm sorry, but I'm a festive Christmas guy. You know what? I'm not sorry. I'm happy I'm a festive Christmas guy. I love it.

It feels good. It warms the heart. And so, at great humility to myself, I decided I should at least give you guys a Christmas carol, put my neck on the line with my cheesy-ass singing. for those of you that can't handle it, turn it off right now. But it is a special rendition of this Christmas carol. Okay, it's to you.

It's to the Harlan Highway podcast listeners. Let's do it. Let's go to it. From me to you, Merry Christmas. Petwood Canyon is snowing outside. And you know what that means. I'm breathing of a podcast Just like the one I used to know

Where the tree tops listen And hipsters listen To the Harland Highway in the snow. That you, if I'm dreaming of a podcast Christmas With every podcast that I do Should be a podcast to marry your podcast to Mary and cry and treat you laughing through the night Yeah, this snows for a day night

I'm dreaming of a podcast Christmas just can't like the once I used to know you remember may your days may your days may your days

be merry and bright and may I a podcast Why. Merry Christmas. Oh, yeah. I don't know. Embarrassing, I don't know.

But I thought, you know what, I'm just going to do it for the hipsters listening out there. It may follow to me to my grave. Who knows? I don't care. I mean, it's Christmas. Shame on you for not singing Carol.

Shame on you. At least the Lord, Savior, Lamb of God, is looking down on me going, At least that boy is singing my praises. So there. That's it. I got to go wrap presents. I got to go put stuff under the tree. I got to go throw some tinsel on my grandmother, who's rocking coma toast in her rocking chair.

I got to go out and make some snow angels in the snow. I got to get a big cup of hot chocolate with some marshmallows swirling around in it. I got to hang the holly and the mistletoe. Oh, I'm getting into it. So I hope you have a great one, folks. I hope you get everything you hope for. And Merry, Merry Christmas. Happy holidays.

And also a big red and green bowl of chicken chow mane, baby. You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch. You really are a heel. You're as cuddly as. a cactus you're as charming as an eel mr. Grinch you're a bad banana with a greasy black heel you're a monster mr Grinch your heart's an empty hole your brain's an empty hole your brain is full of spiders, you've got garlic in your soul, Mr. Grinch. I wouldn't touch you with a 39 and a half foot pole.

You're a vile one, Mr. Grinch. You have termites in your smile. You have all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile, Mr. Grinch. Given the choice between the two of you, I'd take the seasick crocodile. You're a foul one, Mr. Grinch. You're a nasty, wasty skunk. Your heart is full of unwashed socks, your soul is full of gunk,

Mr. Grinch. The three words that best describe you are as follows and I quote stink stank stunk you're a rotter Mr. Grinch you're the king of a sinful sots your hearts are dead tomato splotched with moldy purple spots mr Grinch your soul is an appalling dump heap overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment of deplorable rubbish imaginable, mangled up, entangled up knots. You nauseate me, Mr. Grinch, with a nauseous supernoss. You're a crooked, jerky, jocky, and you drive a crooked horse, Mr. Grinch.

You're a three-decker, sourcrow and toadstool sand. sandwich with arsenic sauce.