The Harland Highway - PODCAST 209

Episode Date: December 27, 2010

A casual chit chat with an old friend. Sizzle my hot Tonka truck! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to the Harland Highway. Come on in and see what's happening. Pay your price. Get the ticket to the podcast. No, you don't have to pay for a ticket to this podcast because it's absolutely free. And you know what else is free? Friends. Yeah, that's right.

Usually your friends are free. That's one of the great things in life that's free, isn't it? Your friends, you just hang out with them, you call them up. They don't charge you to hang out with them. They don't charge you to be around them. They don't charge you to have fun. And during this special time of year when we are hanging out with our friends and family a lot, you know, a lot of us end up going out for holiday drinks

or having some quality time on New Year's, getting together with friends, or family around Christmas, so I'm sure right now at this point in time, you're close to or have spent time with people you know, gone out and socialized, gone to a nightclub. And so today's show is kind of special. I thought I would just have one of my close buddies over, my buddy Matt, hang out at the studio. We're going to have a little cocktail and just talk about our experiences and some of the fun things we've encountered when we've been hanging out.

The Harland Highway! Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hi, I'm Jackie. Want to play? Please go away and leave me alone. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Ben, keep it going.

Love the show. You're all over. My blanche and my blue blanket. Give me my blue blanket. Passing your seat, now. You're riding down the Harlan Highway. It's the Harland Highway. Have you checked the children?

Yeah, all right, yeah, welcome to the Harlan Highway, everybody. You can hear the groovy music playing, and that's because on today's show, it's just me and my buddy, my buddy who lives in town here with me, and we're just hanging out. It's nighttime, we're having a beer, we're getting ready to go out and hit the town and we're just going to share some stories with you as we get ready to go out and play on the harland highway what's that noise what is that it's a beer man hold on nice i got one too man so it's uh it's late friday night we're hanging out i'm here with my buddy matt mzant hey how you doing and we're a little pissed aren't we we just went to see a move

and we are both pissed. Oh, it was one of the worst things I have ever witnessed next to watching you eat a cheeseburger. Wait a minute. What, what do I do when I eat a cheeseburger? Most of the food doesn't go into you. It goes on you. Come on. Yeah.

It's like, no. Oh, yeah. You and a hot dog, too, man. Dude, I'm an eloquent eater. Okay. Elegant? Elocent. I eat eloquently, and I also eat elephant meat.

Ew. Wait, no, I'm not really that bad of an eater, am I? I tell you, I've watched people without teeth try to eat at old people's homes. Yeah. If it's like a potluck supper. And I would actually, I would make out with them while they eat because it's so much better than you. That's creepy. You're hanging out at old folks' homes during the buffet?

Yeah, this is the best food. Well, anyways, let's get back to the movie. I'm sorry, I don't know how to eat right. If you like checkers, that's a great place to go. Checkers? Yeah, checkers, chess, shuffleboard. There's a burger joint called checkers. Nice.

See, that's what I hear, what do you eat? Well, that's the way I do it, man. It's like pot roast. Eat it or lose it? I can't believe you actually brought a pot roast to the theater. To the movie theater. Yeah. Yeah, I don't like the.

movie snacks what what is wrong with that i brings a pot roast dude i spent all day in the kitchen i had scallop potatoes the pot roast i don't like popcorn i don't like goobers if i'm going to sit and watch a movie and give up two hours of my life i want to feed i want a nice feed you you had roast beef ajou and you dumped it on the guy in front of you so he shouldn't have been you know moving around He was so pissed. Look, just because you had like a stale bag of popcorn over there. I want to remember that time, we have this buddy. I've got to tell people this story.

We have this buddy, this buddy of ours, Fred Beasley, right? God bless him. So there's this theater down in Hollywood, the man's Chinese theater. It's the famous theater with all the footprints in the cement, right? Mm-hmm. And we went to a movie once with Fred Beasley, and he's one of the, of these guys that's always doing practical jokes and everything. He's

a funny guy, but what happened is at the man's Chinese theater, they have a giant bowl of jalapeno peppers floating in like jalapeno oil, right? People put it on their nachos and stuff. So we went to the movie with this

guy, Fred Beasley, and I stole the big, this thing's probably about nine inches high and about maybe six inches across. pounds of halapeno peppers. It's a lot. A lot.

And what I did is I stole it. And when we went into the movie, I kind of distracted him, and I stuck it under his seat. And so through the whole movie, like this waft of jalapeno was coming up all over him. Oh, that was funny. I loved it, man. Didn't he say something, too? Wasn't he like? I think halfway through, he figured it out.

He was like all fired up about it. What's the worst practical joke you've ever played? By the way, this is my buddy, Matt Mazant. I don't. We've been hanging here in Hollywood for like 15 years or buddies. He's from Pittsburgh. Don't hold it against them. But what's the craziest practice?

And by the way, you can't. Matt, Matt actually was a writer on the show, Punked. But you can't include Punked. What is the wildest practical joke you've ever played on someone? Well, to tell you the truth, they're actually when I was, When I was a senior in high school, we were in our biology class. We were dissecting cats. Come on.

Kid you not. What kind of school did you go to the Satan High? It was the Hannibal High. Hannibal High. Hannibal High. Fafa beans. How do you like your cat, Clary? Well, the funniest thing was there was these football players that were sitting in front of my, we were partnered up in twos, right?

So each cat, kid you not. came in its own box, okay? A cat in a box. A cat in a box. Welcome to high school. Right. So, I have a cat.

Great. Every time we would start the day, we would take the lid off and pull the cat out and we'd start working on it, right? So one day, I just got the idea that, that I, the cat that these football players were working on actually looked like my neighbor's cat. So I pulled the teacher aside after class ended and I said, would you like, would you like to play a practical joke on these guys and she's like, I'm down. So

the day of the practical joke, right? I bring this live cat in and I pull out the dead cat and I toss it aside. I like where this is gone. Okay. Right? So I put the live cat in the box and it starts freaking

out. I don't know if it was a smell of formaldehyde. I'm not sure, but the cat goes crazy. And I didn't know what to do so I just slammed the lid down on top of it, right? Oh. When I slammed the lid down on top of it, I guess the darkness, it stopped. Like, it didn't move. Do you think maybe it was the poisonous, noxious fumes from the formaldehyde that probably killed it?

I know. I poked a couple holes on the side just for air, I think. Yeah. Okay. Keep going. It doesn't matter. Look, if it dies, we can just dissect it next year. Yeah, there you go.

Okay. So. Mm. So. Thank you. So here it comes. Everybody in the class is pulling out. out their cats. Here come

the football players. They grab their box with cat. They set it down the table and I have a camera. I have a video camera actually hidden on the teacher's desk. First hidden camera. I actually was in high school of course. Wow. And I shot. I actually have to show this to you someday. They

opened up the lid and when they opened up the lid, the cat popped its head up and went right? The first guy turned white. Turned white and froze, like that home alone scene, like his mouth wide open. Did he slap

after shave on each side of his face? No. Okay, sorry. And the second guy who had the lid in his hand screamed so high, and lid was flying. And this cat literally popped up, and it just stared right at him.

It was perfect. It was one of the best practical jokes I've ever done. So these were like the quintessential like high school, tough guy football jock pricks? No, they weren't pricks. They're actually really nice guys. They were like, you know. It would have been better if they were knobs.

They were, they were jerks. No, no. I mean, they were what they were, but it's, you know, because every high school has that kind of jerky, like, I'm the quarterback, man. You know. Didn't you play football? Yeah.

I actually used a human foot. Oh, Claries. Hannibal High. You know, speaking of Beasley, you know, it was funny. It was that when, when you were, you were taking out like Thornebush Oh, my God. You want to tell a story? You should tell a story.

All right. So back to Fred Beasley. And this guy, you got to picture this guy. He's one of these guys that looks like an average Joe. He's a really great guy, but he's got kind of a little, he's a really white kind of pasty Scottish guy. And he's got pink cheeks and blue eyes. And, you know, he just looks like an innocent little harmless guy. And so one day is doing some gardening.

And down here in L.A. we have these things called Bougainvillea, which they have a beautiful purple bloom. But the stem on these things, you got to picture thorns probably about two and a half to three inches long. You can nail somebody to a cross with them. Yeah, they are really long and really hard and real. They're like needle pointy. Very sharp. Painful. So here comes Fred Beasley.

He's always trying to do like practical jokes. and I'd been out cutting all day and I filled the back of my pickup truck with these thorns. Like it looked like a big pile of hay, like a haystack, right? So that night, me and a Beasley and you and a bunch of other guys, we went out and had some fun, had a few drinks. And we come home, we pull into my driveway, and Beasley was always looking to have the laugh.

In the dark sees all this foilyage, or however you pronounce it, The back of my truck. How do you say? Follage? Foliage. Foliage. That's a good word. I don't know.

Wait, let me have another sip of beer. Fioleage. Foliage. And so in the dark, he sees this frothy pile of plant life in the back of my truck. And he has no idea that it's like a bed of nails. And so Beasley, looking for the laugh, goes running, does a hot. I jump, jump. You know the guys that jump in the air in the Olympics

and they arch their back over the bar and land on the nice soft mat? Beasley arches his back over the back of my truck lands on the thorns. And you just, it's so funny because you just hear a guy going from pleasure. He's like, yeah, ha, plop. Ah!

Just screaming. And we're just standing there, howling. Oh, that was clasking. And getting back to your dissecting thing, I guess the only weird thing I did was when I was in high school, for some reason we had to dissect the eye of a cow. Okay, they have big, giant eyes. And below my science class, we were on the second floor

was the smoking pit, they called it. If kids wanted to smoke, they had to go stand outside in a special area. It was the only place they were allowed to smoke. In Canada, you could smoke at high school? Yeah, but you had to go to the smoking. pit and it was Catholic school. Was there like joint rolling classes? Probably.

In this class we'll show you how to shoot heroin. Yeah, pretty much. You know, but... The heroin pit. Where was that? So anyways, so anyways, what I did is I opened the window and all the kids were down there smoking and I fired

a cow eye into the middle of the crowd. And of course, they're like, hey, what the hell someone picked it up? And there's this big eye looking used to, ah, they drop it and stuff. But let me ask you, what was the real point of us dissecting animals in high school? Man, you know, I don't know, because there was a progression. We'd start with frogs. Yeah.

And then the next year, it was sharks. Sharks? Yeah. You dissected a shark? Oh, yeah. I was actually really good. What a little baby shark? I did something that the teacher said nobody's ever done, which is take the entire brain.

and spinal cord out of one of those sharks in hole. Dude, you should work at a seafood restaurant. Yeah. You could like filet-o fish. You could filet-o-o-my-fish. In my school, we had the black tar heroin pit. That's where students wanted to shoot. Wait a minute.

You didn't have a designating smoking area at your high school? Yeah, it was called the bathroom. Oh, really? Well, that's where you hid. We didn't have an area. Well, see, in Canada, we're a little more advanced. They had an area where the kids could go smoke. Yeah.

Or the teacher's lounge. They all chain smoked in there. Did they? Yeah. Oh, well, how would I know? I don't go into the teacher's lounge. Now, can we get back to what we are... You've been ducking this question.

We're pissed off about the movies. That's where we started. The next thing, you're filial fishing a lemon shark. Apparently, you don't need to have a plot in a movie anymore. Thank you. Thank you. If you just have some really cool effects, people go, wow, that's great. That's a beautiful little fake butterfly.

What's this movie about? Yeah. We went to see two movies recently. We went to see Skyline, which was a monster movie. Yeah, yeah. And then we went to see this kung fu movie. What was it called? The Warriors Way.

Yeah, Way. And it's like the same old retread stuff we've seen before. Tons of special effects. No plot. no story, barely any acting. And it's just like, this is what they do nowadays. They lure us in with the trailers. Yeah.

They cut a trailer together. Okay, here's the deal. We go see Warriors Way. Me and Maddie are at Skyline. Yeah. Okay? We see the trailer for this Kung Fu movie. And in the trailer, it shows all this fighting, and it shows.

And you just think it's like out in the wilderness or in a city. Well, the whole thing was about ninjas coming to the Wild Wild West. And we were both like, great idea. But wait a minute. In the trailer, I had no idea that the Wild Wild West was part of the story. I thought it was all in Japan. And they cleverly omit that in the trailer. And then you go see the movie.

And the whole ninja thing takes place. It's like a Clint Eastwood movie with ninjas. Which should be cool. That sounds cool, but a blue ass. Oh, it was awful. You know, it's funny, like, the opening scene was great. And then the three minutes at the end of the movie were great. Everything else, you could just cut it out.

You didn't need it. It was brutal. Brutal. Why can't we just do a bunch of Rocket Man's? Oh, God, I wish. Those were the days, buddy. All right, let's move on. I've been blabbering right.

You get to pick a topic. Come on. I've got to hear hogging all the topics. Wow. Well, you know, I'm a little shocked to find about Leslie Nielsen. I found out late. Thanks for a real uplifting topic. Let's talk about a comedian treasure that died.

Thanks. Wow. I love that guy. That's the last topic. He was great, man. That guy, you know, he started off as, by the way, Canadian boy. Just saying. Did you meet him in the smoking area at high school?

You know, why don't you go to Home Depot, buy some knee pads, and get on the floor and eat some garlic toast? Hey, Leslie, let's go. you got a butt on you? You got a cigarette, eh? Anyways. Meet me in the heroin pit. I'll be there and a few. Here's the thing.

I bet you didn't even know this. Leslie Nielsen started as a serious, dramatic actor, a leading man guy. Wow. He was actually like a good looking leading man guy and he did a bunch of black and white movies. And then all of a sudden airplane comes along in the 70s and he played the striked. and he played the straight man and it just blew up and he was a comedy legend

ever since. Yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah. Do you remember any of the... I don't remember the names of any of the movies but if you probably went on YouTube or whatever and looked up Leslie Nielsen's early work, the guy was like a pretty dashing-looking,

like leading man guy, but he still played it with that straight, deadpan look. And what's funny is he never really changed that when he stepped into comedy. Just the lines changed. Yeah, the lines changed, and his sense of timing was so impeccable. It was great. I mean, I love that guy, man.

I can't even imagine what he would look like with, like, dark hair. And I've always seen it with gray hair. With ninja, slick hair. Yeah, no, that's a sad loss. Speaking of which, your hair right now is you're rocking it. I don't know what's going on, but you... What do you mean? You got a good style going on right now.

You know what it is? You know what it is? For years, I've been putting gel in my hair. and for the first time I went out and bought some of that styling mud or whatever it is? Yeah, styling mud. Is that what it's called?

Sure. That's how new it is to me. So this is like the second time I've ever done it. Well, it's working. Really? Wow, okay. Usually it drips, but there's... What drips?

Your hair. My hair. But it's very quaffing. You wake up in Leslie Nielsen's maggot-infested arms. C-O-I-F. Is there two EFs and quaffed? No, but there's one F and you know what, and I, uh, whatever. Well, what are we doing tonight?

We're going to head out into Hollywood, right? Yeah, but you go see a buddy. We're going to go see a buddy who's like a club promoter. He is tonight. Yeah, first time. And, uh, and we're going to go hang out. We're going to hit the Hollywood scene. We're going to, uh, to tell the folks listening about the Hollywood scene,

because there's people all over the country. They probably think that, you know, they've never been to Hollywood. They've never gone out on the town on a weekend in Hollywood. They probably, I think people have this notion that there's orgies going on and people, you know, River Phoenix, people dying on sidewalks and gunshots. But what's it really like? Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No?

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well-built girls are gorgeous so girls are i think most of the beautiful women in the world have come here hoping to be discovered. So you go out to a club in every town. It's a mind-blower. I have to say it's a mind-blower. Like just when you see one gorgeous girl like a 10 out of 10, you look four feet over and there's a 20

out of 10. Which is why relationships are really hard because you're like, oh, I found the one. But who's that over there? Yeah. But here's the thing. Yes, everyone's beautiful. Yeah. But... Including me and you, right? Yeah, well, I'm gorgeous. You're... What am I? Well, you're just with me. So I kind of rub off...

Hold on, I need a step. Hair plugs. So, but here's the thing. Everybody's gorgeous, but the thing is everybody's looking around for somebody to do something fun. Yeah. It feel like people are there just like their mannequins in a storefront window. Nobody wants to have a good time. You try to talk to somebody.

They don't want to talk to you unless you go, oh, I can put you in a TV show or a movie. So what you're saying is, and I know. this to be true. A lot of people when you go out in Hollywood are angling the entertainment industry thing. So if you don't have a little cloud, if you can't really do anything for them, they kind of like, what do

you do? Okay, I got to move on. Is it that that type of thing? Absolutely. Think about this. If you're in Wisconsin, it's 10 below. Hey, it's Friday night. What are you going to do? You're going to go to a bar and what are you going to do? Hang out with your buddies. Throw darts. Exactly. And have a good time and drink.

Talk to people. Here, it's I got to get seen because of this. I got to, there's some reason they're there other than, let's have a good time. And that's the problem. And it sucks, because I got to say a guy like me, I don't go out on the club scene very often. No. And I love to go out. 43, was it?

Or 44, the first time you started hitting the Hollywood club. Yeah, thanks. You know, Gene Kelly hanging out. Yeah, thanks for revealing my old age. But I like to go out. What are those shoes, by the way, that he was dancing in the rain with? Those were yours. Those were mine, yeah.

And the rain was actually me up on the roof, crying because I'm so old. I thought it was the dripping from your hair. Yeah, it's the grease, it's the gel from my hair. Oh, my God. Never going to be invited again to do this. Yeah, this could be your last podcast ever. But, see, now I'm all off track. Clubs, sorry.

The club. No, no, you made some good points. But here's something that people should know about, too. When you go to these clubs, a lot of times you see, like, celebs and stuff like that. And I got to tell you, the most pathetic one I've ever seen. And this is true. You've seen this, too. We've been out together when we saw this.

Hugh Hefner, the Playboy guy, what he does is he'll find out about the hottest club in town. He'll roll in, and he's got, like, you know, 12 of his bunnies with him. And they put him off in a roped off area. And he, like, gets up there and dances. And he looks like a Tim Burton character, like a moving corpse, right? And then his girls, they're allowed to kind of filter around in the club. But if you meet any, they go, oh, we're not allowed to talk to you. You know, Huff has a rule that, you know, we're not allowed to fraternize with anybody, any of the other man in the club.

Yeah. Isn't it weird? That's true, right? Yeah, absolutely. They're forbidden to flirt or talk or give out their numbers. It's like, wow. that's creepy man it's so creepy but guess what everyone and the club stares at them the whole night oh my god it's Hugh Hefner oh my god look those girls yeah they're getting noticed you know and

hefner's doing his thing and the club's getting what they want have you ever had it because people listening love celebrity stories i've got a few cheesy ones that i can probably tell you but funny quirky things that happened in the clubs like i'll start with one i remember i was out at a club one night And Jamie Fox, the actor Jamie Fox, you know, we've worked stand up here and there and Jamie see me do stand up and I've seen him. We kind of know each other to say hello and Jamie's always been very complimentary to me and vice versa. I really love me.

Oh, please. Eat your corn flakes without milk. So anyways, I bump into Jamie at one of these clubs one night and he's there, you know, grooving it up and he's having a good time and I'm having fun. And we, like, bumped into each other in the crowd. And he was like, hey, man, how's it going? I'm like, hey, Jamie, how you doing? And he was all excited.

And he goes, he goes, hey, man, let me get your number. Let's hang out. And I just looked at him in, like, that Leslie Nielsen deadpan look. And I was totally joking. And I just stared at him and go, you know, I'm straight, right? Jamie, Jamie Fox got so uncomfortable. He, he just, it's like, it's like the Matrix. It's like everything.

And in slow money, he was just looking around. I was like, uh, uh, yeah, okay, man, we're cool. Like, and he just, it's just like, he took my number and I've never seen a guy so uncomfortable. And I didn't get a chance to really go, I'm screwing with you, dude. He just, that's funny, because I feel that uncomfortable around you a lot. You do? Yeah, and so does your father. Oh, yeah, my dad.

He does. My dad does. Is my dad straight? No, but he definitely taught you well. All right, that's one of my stories. What are you got? Any funny, quirky cele encounters? More sad than I think quirky or funny.

Let's hear one. The folks want to hear. Look, folks, what we're doing here is Maddie and I, we're sitting here. It's a Friday night jam. We're having a beer. Have a sip, Maddie. All right. And what we're trying to do is give you a taste of the Hollywood life, the Hollywood scene.

We're about to go out and embark on a night of fun at the Hollywood clubs. So what was one of the kind of sad things you saw at a club with a celeb? Well, there's one in particular that stood out. And, you know, I've gotten to hang out with Harland with you, and it's fun. And, you know, girls always kind of flock to you because, you know, you're a good-looking guy. And I remember one time I was with... Two minutes ago, you're telling people I'm gay, and I'm having an affair with my father. Well, most gay guys are good-looking, by the way.

You're a son of a You're staying That's why your hair's all quaffed So Hey, you're the guy going out with me tonight What does that say about you? Okay, anyway, stay on track I'm not gay

You're the one off track Okay, so Now I'm as uncomfortable as Jamie Fox was Now, okay, go What was your story? I'm at the club And I happen to be with A buddy of mine who's an actor as well

And look, we got to use names I threw out the Jamie Fox People don't want big blank marks they want to know who all right i was with uh wilmer volterama i don't know him he's on that 70 show great what happened great guy uh we we went there as a bunch of us and we went to this club and instantly i saw one of the hottest girls i've ever seen in my life i mean this girl was at 12 gorgeous dark hair straight beautiful blue eyes body was amazing she looks in me and she smiles and i'm thinking okay we got a connection it's on

so I go over and I start talking hey how you doing blah blah blah she's like oh my gosh from I think we got the club at quarter to 11 it was 1.45 right and this girl and I did not step two feet away

from each other okay it was on you know what I mean nice I hear you bro numbers about to get exchanged you know what are we doing after hours who knows nice buddy then I go I have have to go to the bathroom i'll be right back right so i run in the bathroom oh i'm gone two and a half minutes max that's all it takes in hollywood i think i know where this is going

i come back and she's sitting on wilmer's lap ah that 70's show and i walked over to her and i was like hey and she's like hi and i i said uh yeah yeah Do you want to, do you want to go? I think before we set up, we're going to go get something to eat or something. Yeah. So I said, do you still want to go get something to eat? She's like, you know, I made plans. So I'm going to go and hang on.

I was like, oh, okay. So that was one of the game. Oh, you got Wilmer. See, when you said a sad story, I thought it was going to be a sad story about a big celeb. I didn't know it was your sad story. My sad story, yeah. Oh, bro, that sucks.

Most big celebs don't have sad stories because they're big celebs. That's right. They get the chicky sitting on their lap. Well, here's one that's kind of funny. This is at a smaller club. What's that one over, what's the one off of sunset that goes down the hill a little and it's a little bar? It's like a small little bar.

You go down. Down which hill? Laszianago. You go past Lassian, and then there's down the hill towards Holloway. There's like a weird little hotel. Oh, yeah, the Loma Vista hotel place. I don't know what it's called. Anyways, it's a smaller type bar.

And one night I'm out, you know, my cousin, Kevin Hearn is a member of the Bare Naked Ladies. Yeah. And one night, he's a great guy. He's my cousin. And we're out one night, having some fun. And Dave Foley, the guy from kids in the ball. I was with you this night. You were with me that night?

I was with you. Oh, great. Let me tell me. With George? George. Yes. Okay. So we're all a little fired up, right?

We go into this little clock. It's kind of dark, but it's cool. I forgot about this. James Kahn hangs out there, man, right? And we get in there and we all walk in and sitting in the corner with the candles on the leather couches, freaking George Clooney with haughties on each side. And I like George. He's swaugh, man.

He's a cool dude, man. He's swath. And I'd never met George, right? And so just as we come in, Steve Pays. the lead singer from the ladies and Dave Foley, these guys light up like they've never seen a celebrity in their life, right? And there's

the king of celebrities at the time. Clooney. Well, just as fate would have it, the two hotties got up to go to the bar and George was sitting alone on the couch, right? Right. And so Dave Foley and Steve Page who were hammered, both

with drinks in their hands. They're like little kids are like, holy crap, it's Clooney, we got to go, We're celebs. Jesus, celab. We got to go. So they go running over, lose their footing. There's one on each side.

They both kind of stumble and spill. They both spill their drinks into Clooney's crotch. Do you remember that? And Clooney just was like, what? And they're like, hey, man. And Clooney sees me, do you remember? And he gets up. He comes running over to me, like, I'm going to save him.

And he goes, man, those guys are trouble, man. And I go, hey, George, how's it going? He's going, well, it could be better. And I go, you want to go hit Arby's? And he just looked at me like, what? And I go, you want to go to Arby's? And he goes, there's an Arby's around here. And I go, yeah, there's one just down the road on sunset.

And he goes, yeah, okay, maybe later. Like, he was just, I have a tendency to mystify the celebs. He do. But it was funny. That was a funny night. That was funny, man. Oh, they were ripped and they spilled. their drinks.

Oh, it couldn't have been, you know, talk about a debacle. It's funny. Maybe that's why George Clinton, because I don't see him out that often. I remember that story, and then that story about Fabio and him. Do you remember that? No. What's the Fabio story? Apparently Fabio, and this is something I could be completely wrong when I say this,

but this is how I was told. Fabio was at dinner with a bunch of breast cancer patients or like survivors, right? I can't believe it's not a tumor. Okay, that's wrong. Schwarzenegger, isn't it? Yeah, that was Schwarzenegger. If I think same country I can't believe it's not

Barter I'll be back butter You're back butter So he's sitting there with a bunch of breast cancer Survivors There's a bunch of girls Another cheery topic by the way Should we throw in dead Leslie Nielsen

Was at this event too Right Could you be any cheerier Right Okay so we're at a breast thing with Fabio So I can't believe it's not butter George was at the same restaurant And he was having dinner with some whatever girl.

Yeah. And so one of the girls goes that Fabio was with, oh, my gosh, George Clooney. So Fabio goes, I'll go see if, you know, he'll get an autograph or a picture or something. Yeah. So Fabio walks over to George. He's like, sorry to interrupt you, but I'm with some girls. And I guess before he even finished, George goes, why don't you go back over with your, like, horrors that you're with? Or something like that, right?

And Fabio was like, my what? I can't believe it's not bother. And it snapped, right? So. Wait, George. called Fabio's Girl's Hors? Something to that extent. I don't know if that was the right word, but he used something like that.

So Fabio walks back over. Now, this is how I was told. So if I'm wrong, don't call me on it. Okay, so I wish you were there because I, you know, I don't want to tell a story. Yeah, I was waiting the tables. Yeah. I wasn't there. All right.

So, all right, tell us the story. So I think what push comes to shove is at the end. I can't believe it's not bother. I'm wrap it up. The story was Fabio and George, or, face to face, and they're pulling the two apart. Now, who's going to win that, Matt? Come on. I can't believe it's not bottom.

You know who's going to win that? I do a thing here. I do a new thing on the Harlan Highway, where I do Harlan Highway Celebrity Fighting. Oh, really? Where I put celebrities into the boxing ring. Charles Parsley, who does the Celebrity Racetrack, announces. I can't do it now because we're here. We're pumped up. We're getting ready to go out and have some fun.

but I'm going to do that as a future episode. Oh, you should. We'll have George Clooney punch it out in the Harland Highway boxing ring with Fabio. And have Dave Foley as his ring guy. His quarterback. He'll be hammered and go to cut his eye and give him a tracheotomy. All right, so let's move on. We've had some fun celebrity stories.

Now I want to get down to an every guy. I and girl can relate to this. Okay, I want to know and be 100% honest, whether the line worked or not, what was one of your most memorable pickup lines out there on the Hollywood club scene? Well, if you need a room. There's one that I've used,

and then there's one that actually worked. And you said one. Right. Just once it worked. All right, let me hear the one that you use. The one that I use now? Yeah, and then let's hear the one that worked. The one I use now is...

And it doesn't work? No, the one I use now, I don't know. I think it's me saying it, probably why it doesn't work. Okay. But I'm usually, you know, my line is, hi, my name is Matt, what's your name? That's it? That's it. That's the line.

That's my line. Hi, my name is Matt. What's yours? I guess, you know, sometimes simple is better. Does it work? I follow it up with, you have a great ass, but I usually... Okay, okay. okay and what's what's the other one you said that worked that no it didn't work but it was fun to say

what was it i just walked over to a girl and i had a hundred dollar bill in my hand and i dropped it and i said would you bend over for me and pick this up no you did yeah i didn't i just made that up you weas no no i didn't uh the one that didn't work actually i i did use a line on it but she ended up getting me back i used this line it was like one of those cheesy like here here's a quarter i gotta go call can i have a quarter so I can call my mom. I told her I fall in love or something. It was some stupid. Something you read in a bathroom stall. I hope

you got a roundhouse for that. No, better yet. She goes, aw. She's like, look, I'm leaving with my friends right now. Here's my number. Can you call me? I was like, yeah. Because I think I just struck it. She's really hot. She gives me his number. Of course, I have to call it right before

I leave the club, so I call it. And it's like, you've been given the number because you're a douchebag. It's one of those, like, did you ever hear those things? So she punged you. She punged me. Oh, no, I haven't heard that. It's apparently it's some, like,

that's cool. Phone number you give to somebody. And then as soon as they call it, it's like, you're a douchebag. The reason you got this number is because you're a complete douchebag. That is a burn. It's a burn. And it's after the fact.

Yeah, and they're gone. They're gone, and you can't. And they're just laughing at you all the way home. That's, that's, like, suicide right there. Yeah. And it's like, there's options. Like, press one if you hate yourself now. Oh.

Press two. if you're a grease ball. Yeah. Wow. So, I mean, I got it back. All right. Well, you were witness to one of my favorite lines that I did. Okay.

We were out one night. And actually, once again, we were out with Wilmer. Wilmer Valdarado from the 70 show. Valdorama. Yeah. And we were out at some club. Uh-huh. And we were out, and I was just kicking it, having a beer, having a good time.

And we were all sitting in this little area. Yeah. And this gorgeous blonde, like, actress model, this was years ago. This is this gorgeous blonde actress model type walks by, short mini skirt, big brass, long, slender legs. She walks by, she could kind of walk and by me a few times. She walked by, she stopped, and she goes, she used your line. She goes, hi, my name's Holly. And I said, yeah, my name's Jolly.

Let's spend Christmas together. And four seconds later, we were making out. Do you remember that? I remember that. We all pulled, we were all like, what is going on? I know. You guys are all stunned. Dude, you, you, I've never seen anybody make out with a girl as long as you did.

I mean, you, it was wild. Your lips had to be bleeding. They were, they were. I forgot all about that. Wasn't that funny? And all you guys, I could see laughing. Jolly. Let's spend Christmas together.

It was ridiculous. Well, you spent that night together. Oh, please. Oh, please. Were you just breathing off of each other? What do you mean? You never separated for error. Oh, please.

We made out for like three minutes and never really sorry. I never knew that you could actually French kiss somebody's nose. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. As long as it goes up the nose and comes back down the back of her throat and you're still getting tongue. It's still considered a French. As long as there's tongue on tongue, it's a Frenchie. I can't believe it's not bother.

Well, this has been fun, man. I mean, I hate to wrap this up, but we got to go out. We got to hit the club, man. We got more stories for next time. We got to get some more stories together. Do we know the name of the club we're going to tonight? I don't know it. I don't know it.

I wonder if people are jealous that we're heading out, like, to a Hollywood club right now, or whether they're just like, who cares? I don't know. After hearing some of the stories, they might not want to. Yeah. I don't know. We've probably made some good ones, good run. We had a good run.

You know what? If we have anything fun happened tonight, Well, we'll check back in with you, folks. And folks, if you guys, you should go on Harlan's Facebook page and send him like on his home page some good one-liners that we can use. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Or you can even call the number for the Harland Highway. It's 323-215, 1486.

Or you can go to Harlan Williams.com. If you have some great one-liners, we'll feature them on the Harlan highway in an upcoming episode. Holly Jolly is a good one, man. Holly Jolly, folks. Yeah, ring jingling. Wherever you are, be safe, have fun. Adventure, have a great time.

Don't pour any booze in George Clooney's lap. No. Matt, great having you here. Let's go out and have some fun. Yes. Great having you folks on the Harland Highway. Matt, cheers, buddy. Cheers, buddy.

And until next time, everybody, this is Harlan Williams on the Harlan Highway. Chicken Chowmaine, baby. Cheers, dude. I can't believe it's no bother. Have a holly, jolly, get a big, go, yeah. I don't know if there'll be snow, but have a cup of cheer. Have a holly, jolly Christmas. And when you walk down the street, say hello to friends you know, and everyone you meet.

Oh, ho, the mistletoe hung where you can see. Somebody waits for you Kisser once for me Have a holy jolly Christmas And in case you didn't hear Oh by golly have a holly jolly jolly Christmas this year