The Harland Highway - PODCAST 210

Episode Date: December 29, 2010

The ozone layer, planning for the new year, Celebrity Races, cheese, sports rules. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

If you like peanut a lot, Dun, and getting high in the rain. If you like listening to the Harlem Highway podcast, Okay, enough. Probably the worst song ever written. Why would I do that to you during the second last show of the year? Can you believe it?

This is our second last show of this year. and then time runs out, and we start a new year. And that's one of the things I'm going to be talking to you folks today about. I'm going to try to encourage you to have an exciting, excellent, fun new year. Yeah, I'm going to give you a bit of a pep talk, a bit of a lecture, trying to stimulate you to encourage you to get out there and do something cool for yourself. Also, we're going to be talking about cheese. I mean, why wouldn't we on the second last podcast of the year?

We're going to be discussing the state of our ozone layer. Hopefully it's good, so we have another year. We're going to be going to the celebrity racetrack, everybody. And we're also going to be discussing sports in general and the different rules of sports. But there's only one rule right here and right now. And that's to have a good time right here on. The Harland Highway! Welcome to the Harland Highway.

Hi, I'm Jackie want to play. Please go away and leave me alone. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Keep it going. Love the show. You're hilarious. My blanche and my blue blanket.

Give me my blue blanket. Passing your seat. You're riding down the Harlan Highway. It's the Haarland Highway. Have you checked the children? He shoots his goals. God, you ever play sports with a buddy? And he's one of these guys who just makes up the rules as he goes along.

You know he knows the rules and you know the rules, but they bend them. They create them just to make sure that they have the win or they have the edge. Yeah, I have one buddy, my buddy, my buddy Sean. I call him he's a member of Team Oval Team. I call him Team Oval Team because you know Ovalteens like that instant chocolate

milk, you stir it, so I always bug him and say, oh, you make instant rules. Yeah, Team Oval Tine, up with an instant rule like you ever play pool or snooker with your buddy? And

suddenly you like hook the guy or you do a shot off the rail or something out of the unusual out of the ordinary happens and then he and i'm like hey man you're not allowed to uh you're not allowed to kiss the ball off the other ball and then knock it in and they're like oh yeah sure you are man we've always played like that and i'm like no we haven't we've never played like that oh yeah yeah come on man we always do yeah that's the way we play uh you can always kiss the ball up thing and then touch the thing oh okay great so then you do it a few shots later and they're like, what are you doing, man?

Hey, you can't kiss the ball off the thing and touch the bank and then drop it in. Well, wait a minute. You just kissed the ball off the thing and off the bank and dropped it in. No, no, no. What I did is I kissed the bank off the ball and then in. So you can't do that because it's not in the rules. Huh? Okay, Team Ovalteen.

Weasels. That's what I call weasels, man. And it makes it all the more fun when you kick their ass and beat them. and even their stupid cheating rules didn't help them out, right, people? Oh, yeah, he shoots, he scores. Harlan Williams scoring big here on the Harlan Highway. And speaking of sports, wouldn't today be a great, great day to go to the Harland Highway Celebrity Race Track?

Oh, yeah, I think it is. And that's all I'm going to say. Come on! Let's go. Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, I'm Charles Parsley, and welcome to the Holland Highway Celebrity Races. Today we have a very special race with some very special celebrities. We have Helen Keller in Gate 1.

We have Forrest Gump in Gate 2. We have Rain Man in Gate 5 and Corky from the facts of life. in gate seven a very special race for some very special people today we're looking and there they go there they go the special races are running down the track and no surprise forest gum who likes to run is out in the lead but helen keller flapping her arms erratically seems to be picking up speed her flapping so fast and so constant that it's actually giving us some extra speed she flaps down down the track and rain man waddles behind walking almost methodically like a speedwalker he's playing with some cheese balls as he goes and corky from facts of life seems to be spinning around in circles

he smashes over the guardrail and then he runs out into the middle of the field and he starts smashing his head on a lamppost corky from facts of life smashing his own head on a lamppost and now he picks up a piece of wood and starts eating it. Meanwhile, Forrest Gump's still running down the track. Forrest Gump stops. Forrest Gump stops and pulls his testicles out and starts slapping them for no reason. Forrest Gump is slapping his own testicles. We don't know why.

Ellen Keller now flapping down the track. Her arms in a convulsed stay twisted and gnarled. They look like cactus bushes. Her face contorting. She's grunting and wheezing. She's just smashing. into the stands she's knocked three old ladies out of their wheelchairs who are sitting in the handicapped section and now she's trampling all over them the old lady's screaming as helen keller

makes wine out of them and rain man still waddles down the track in a fast speed walk he's playing with cheese balls and he starts counting he starts counting all the grains of sand and dirt on the track rain man counting each and every grain will he ever finished in korky Corky from the facts of life has now smashed back through the guardrail. It looks like he's found some onions somewhere and he's grinding onions on his face. We don't know why. But Forrest Gump has finished slapping his testicles and he's back in the race. Forrest Gump has pushed Rain Man over here comes Forest Gump by a testicle.

And Forrest Gump with his ruby red testicles standing and Corky down on the ground eating the dirt. and Helen Keller's flapped up into a tree. Rain Man, nowhere to be found. Thank you for joining us. I'm Charles Parsley. Wow. Okay. What an event.

What a special race. Got kind of weird and violent and outlandish there. But, hey, you know, we don't discriminate. We let all celebrities run in the races here. Doesn't matter how smart, how dumb, what color you are. what religion, if you've got celebrity status, you're running, okay? And speaking of running, I don't think any of us will be running anytime soon. I mean, you know, are we in that kind of dead zone?

You know, the old dead zone in between Christmas and New Year's, right? you know, where you stuffed your belly full of treats that were hanging in your stocking and you had the Christmas dinner and then you had the leftovers and then the neighbors invited you over for Christmas dessert and then you went to all those parties

and you just feel like you're carrying an anchor around don't you ever see someone throw an anchor off the bow of a boat just this big heavy chunk and it drops to the bottom of the sea and drags along. isn't that what your gut's doing right now it's like we all have an anchor on the bow of our boat right everybody's gut is just stretching and hanging and kind of dragging us along yeah it's that weird

they should have a name for this time of year like what is it i don't know chris year or something or uh what is it new years and christmas should be like Chris Neer. I don't know. I don't know that if you can think of a name, you tell me. Maybe it should just be called the Dead Zone. Stephen King presents the Dead Zone. The ice is going to break.

So you're probably feeling lethargic. You're probably feeling a little spent. You may be feeling a little lazy. But underneath it all, doesn't it feel kind of good? You still kind of got that. glow gone because you're between, you're in that New Year's Eve and Christmas sandwich, right? You don't really have to go back to work. If you are at work, it's just kind of, yeah, whatever, you know, I'm going to sit at my desk and twiddle my pencil.

You know, we don't really work during the dead zone. And there's still decorations up, and you know New Year's is coming still, which is another big holiday. And, you know, nothing really starts until the new year. So it's still kind of a fun festive time right now, even though it's a dead zone. So try and lift your anchor, get up, do things, enjoy yourselves. The year's almost over. It's time to start anew. And, you know, get your predictions go on and your resolutions go on and all that stuff for the new year.

One of the things that we will have here at the Harlan Highway in the new year is a new phone number. The number we've had up there for you folks to call in on has been kind of annoying. It was kind of this weird setup where when you called, you didn't get right through to my message. You got through to some kind of weird promotional commercial that lasted about 40 seconds. And then you got through to my voicemail. And it just, it made it too busy. It made it distracting. And I thought, you know what?

If I called this number, I wouldn't leave a message. So in an effort to be more interactive with you, the listeners, the riders on the Harlan Highway, in the new year, we're getting a new phone number. It goes right through to the voicemail. No screwing around. You get right through to my voice. And you can leave messages and you don't have to feel intimidated or sit through a stupid commercial. It's just bing, bang, boom.

So I'm encouraging all of you to, you know, call, leave messages more and more in the new year. And, you know, part of this whole project here is to get your voice heard out here just as much as anyone else. And so there you go. It's a new year coming on the Harlan Highway. Yeah. So you ever watch a watch. the news or reading the newspaper or listening to the radio

a news story comes along and you just kind of go, okay, why do we need to know that? Who did the research on that and why did they waste their time? Well, here's a little news story that I have no idea

why somebody made the effort but I'm going to read it to you just plain and then I'm going to try and make it exciting as if it was a real news story. So here's the bumper cheese consumption in the United States is

expected to grow by 50% between now and 2013 yeah can you hear the crickets chirping? I mean what the heck? Who cares? And how do they know how much cheese people are going to eat?

Somebody got a cheese thermometer? Huh? In their big cheese hole? And they took the country's temperature? Well, I've been looking at the cheesometer and it looks like there's going to be a 50% cheese consumption increase in the next 15 to 20 years. It's inevitable. We better prepare more cheese. Quickly, send in the reserves and the U.S. Air Force and gather the cheese. There's going to be a giant consumption. We don't want there to be a dilemma if we don't have enough cheese. But I am going to try and make this headline accent.

Good exciting. Roger, give me some nightly news, some of that serious nightly news music. And I'll do the big headline and see if I can sell it. Here we go. Ready? Go. This just in, cheese consumption in the United States of America is expected to grow by 50% between now and the year 2013. No, you can still hear the crickets. Well, one thing I can say is this was a cheesy story. I'm going to go make myself a mouse sandwich. Happy frommage, my friends.

Happy frommage here on the Harlan Highway. And since we're on the topic of framage, which is French for cheese, for all you Spanish people, can I just say something to all the snobs, the cheese snobes? the cheese snobs that live in the world out there. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes.

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I will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you do. desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this

code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. You know, the people that are kind of like the, you know, the people that think they know everything about wine, the texture and the ambiance and the flavor of wine, the effervescence of wine, there's people out there that do the same thing with cheese. They think they're like cheese aficionados, and they have all these fancy names and cheese parties.

The brie is just delicious, although it doesn't touch the camomile or the brolionkius, and I must say I've never had such a fine German blue in all my years of eating cheese. And may I say that, ooh, pardon me, so for all you cheese freaks that think you know cheese, let me tell you about cheese, okay, I'm just a good old-fashioned. half Canadian, half American boy. And I'm telling you, the best cheese is just one of those crappy craft singles. Okay? You just unwrap one of those singles.

It's like cheese and a condom. I don't know why those singles are all protected. But they are. They're all wrapped up in plastic and rubber. And I tell you, man, you don't want to. want to put anything else on a cheeseburger but those lousy craft cheese slices you can put on a cheddar or a swiss or whatever you want i'm telling you it changes the whole experience of a cheeseburger it just doesn't taste right sure you can taste the difference in the cheese but to me it affects

the whole burger it throws it out a whack somehow and i don't feel i'm like at a barbecue anymore I don't even feel like I'm eating a burger. I don't want that spicy little kick from a harder cheese. I don't want that foreign European flair on my American cheeseburger. I just want a good old-fashioned cheeseburger with a crappy old processed cheese slice. Okay? There's nothing tastes better than that. Okay?

And grilled cheese, forget it. When I go to restaurants, no word of a lie, when I go to restaurants, I ask, okay, I flat out ask the waitresses if they can use craft slices. Because you go to a restaurant, I think would you like your grilled cheese? And you're like, oh, yeah. Like, great, no problem. And then your grilled cheese comes back and it's just like big, gooey globs of cheddar, which on its own is a fine cheese and tastes good, but that's not a real gruel. grilled cheese? You want that kind of semi-neon, I don't know, processy tasting, grilled cheese slice?

I don't know if it's the fakeness of the chemicals or the processed part. I don't know if it's good for you, but it just tastes right. Something about it just fits. Okay? And so maybe you're saying, well, maybe he thinks he's a cheese aficionado. Who's he to tell us how great the sliced cheese is? Well, it is. Just it is. I'm the god of cheese, and I have spoken. And let me tell you a story.

This is actually kind of funny about some cheese, okay? To give you an example of how far people go for cheese, I was in Italy, okay? went to Italy to cover the Olympics for the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. They sent me over there with a crew, and we were running around in all the Italian villages. We were up in the mountains. We went to wine country. We went to private homes.

It was a blast. And one of the things we did is we went to this guy's, it was like an old church or an old town hall or something. And he's like, yes, come in, come in, please, follow me. please follow me yeah that's my Italian and he leads us down these stairs and then the stairs keep going and we're kind of going into a basement

and they're like oh he's taking us to the basement and then we go further and further and this basement just keeps going and we're going down these stairs and then suddenly the basement ends like the physical floor ends and the walls but yet the stairs still keep going into the crest of the earth

and so now we're in like a cave and we start walking down the cave and it starts spiraling and spiraling and we're going down and down like what the hell where does this lead and then we get to a little room at the bottom when i say room there was no walls there was no there was no there was no wood there was no boards it was just a room cut out of the raw rock okay and this room was probably i don't know the size of a bus shelter you'd see at the side of the road road. Okay? And sitting in the middle of this musty kind of dingy room with a one light bulb hanging from the roof was a little tray sitting on a rock in the middle of the room and these little clumps that looked like fungus or moss or something. And we're all like looking at each other.

We're like, okay, and what's going on here? Are we about to get murdered? And the guy goes, Hey, look at my cheese. You look at my cheese? And we're like, what? That's the cheese. So there's these little blobs sitting on the rock in the middle of this room, eight layers beneath the earth's crust, were cheese. They look like black, giant, like melanoma scabs or cancer tumors.

And they're just sitting out. They weren't protected. They weren't, you know, they weren't encased in glass. or plastic they're just sitting out in the open and I guess maybe this is how they process the cheese how they age the cheese it's something to do with the musty layer of the earth close to Satan I don't know and I'm like wow this is kind of bizarre man he goes yes so this the cheese this is a 80 years old yeah this cheese is chunked had been sitting there for like 80 years or something, he told us.

I was like, whoa, well, that's a long way to go for a chunk of cheese. When a cheese is older than you, isn't that a little weird? He goes, come, we take it up upstairs. We eat the 80 year old cheese. All right, is that not the worst Italian accent? I mean, I'm probably going to get the mafia on me for doing this. They're just going to put a hit out on it. Hey, Guido.

Do you hear the Holland Highway podcast? Yes, boss. You hear the way he's talking like an Italian. You go whack him. Go get him. I wouldn't blame the man. So anyways, we all go upstairs. Our host, our Italian host,

is carrying the tumor up the stairs. It's like a scene out of a Nancy Drew novel. The Mystery of the Cancer Cheese. So we get to the top. We all gather around the table. And this chunk of cheese is probably, you know, maybe, I don't know, half the size of a hard ball, maybe double the size of a golf ball. This chunk of cheese is black looking thing.

And he's like, okay, now we eat at the 85 year old, the cheese. So sure enough, he cuts into it. And he passes us all the little slice. And I'll be damned if that cheese wasn't damn delicious. See, I just shot my own theory in the foot. It was friggin' delicious. I still remember that amazing piece of cheese that was sitting in that cave, the cheese cave,

for 85 years, just waiting for me to be born so I can come along and eat its moldy ass. But I'll tell you what, I'm not waiting 85 years to get a good old American cheese burger. I'm not going to cook up a burger on my barbecue and tunnel under the earth and let it sit there for 85 years and then go eat it. Okay, so cheeses are good, but processed cheese slices are the best for certain things. There. I've said my peace, and now I can go to my grave knowing I stood. by my cheese convictions.

Yeah, well, that's good. You're ready to go to your grave because we're happy to send you there. Okay, so dig this every... Does this make any sense to any of you? Remember back in the 70s and the 80s where we were putting a hole in the ozone? We were ripping the planet Earth a new ozone hole.

Yo, what's up, planet Earth, man. I'm going to rip you a new ozone hole player. Well, somehow we managed to get rid of all the fluorocarbons or whatever they're called. The styrofoam McDonald's boxes. And now the ozone hole is closing up. Somehow we were able to put some preparation H on the ozone hole, and it's closing up. But at the same time, we're creating like a layer of... scum around the earth so we heat up but doesn't it make sense that if we had left the ozone hole open

all the greenhouse gases would have gone out of the ozone hole now is it just me or is there a symbolic metaphor happening here the gases build up they get pushed out of the hole you get what I'm saying here maybe the earth in order to be healthy again just needs to fart man You know, all these gases are building up, and the ozone hole is closing. I mean, that's called Earth's got constipation, man. Let's get chloro-fluorbocarbacarbons going again and open up that ozone hole, and let's let the gas out, because we're starting to heat up down here, and it's starting to stink, too.

So there you go. Yeah, I'm a doctor. Call me Dr. Harlan Williams. here on the Harlan Hospital. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe that's the answer. All this global warming stuff and everything. Maybe, like I said, we just need to let the earth fart.

So anyways, you know, we're moving into another year on this planet, on this earth, and And it's a new beginning, it's a new start, and I guess the question I'm putting to you folks is, what are your plans? What do you got laid out? What are you going to do that's different? What are you going to accomplish? What are your goals? What are your aspirations?

What are your dreams? Is this the year you go for it? Is this the year you make a change? Is this the year you get out of a crappy relationship? is this the year you get that job you wanted is this the year you ask that girl or boy out that you've been dying to ask out is this the year where you just throw away all your worldly possessions and go to India and climb a mountain is this the year you do something you've never done before this year you uh you know take a chance try something different

change course, change direction, try something new. If it's not, I'm going to challenge you. Yours truly, Harland Williams, the ringleader, the ringmaster here on the Harland Highway, in the pursuit of personal growth for all of us, including you, listening, I want you to try something new this year. That's your homework from me to you. I want you to step outside of your comfort zone. Step outside of your box.

And I'm not talking about anything life-threatening. Like, oh, well, I guess I better jump off this cliff with a 7-Eleven bag. Harlan said I should. Now, I'm just suggesting you try something fresh, something stimulating. make sure your life isn't getting too complacent. Make sure you're not stepping into a rut. Make sure you're still flavoring and tasting and experiencing life. You know, sometimes we get so comfortable in our lives,

you know, with the cheesecake factories and the malls and our remote controls and our domino's pizzas. You forget that there's a whole world spinning out there. Right now there's sharks swimming in the ocean and there's people climbing mountains and there's people riding bikes. There's people running through jungles. And, you know, I don't have to give you the laundry list.

But, you know, I'm going to urge you to try something fresh and new and exciting this year. Treat yourself, even if you're scared. Push yourself to do it. And the reason I'm doing it is because I think you'll find it rewarding. I think you'll find it fulfilling. And I think those feelings will put a little bounce in your step. I think those feelings will resonate through the rest of what you do on a normal day.

And it will just give you a little taste of excitement and remind you that, like, life is what you want it to be, and that you can step out of what you normally do and enjoy and experience. Okay? So I've got something planned that I'm going to do this year. I've already got it planned. It's something I've always wanted to do. It's a big event. It's something you see on the news yearly.

I'm not going to tell you what it is because I want to surprise you. but I'm not just giving you lip service I try to do the same thing every year no matter how busy I get no matter how much money I make or how little money I make you gotta stop to remember that life is life

and it goes by quickly and you need to taste it you need to experience it I remember a couple of years ago I'd always wanted to see the pyramids man and I went to friggin' Egypt And I saw the pyramids. In fact, I climbed inside one of the pyramids.

I took a tunnel underground right into the tomb of the biggest pyramid. And I sat there by myself in this echoy hollow ancient tomb. And I just felt alive, man. I just felt I'm in the pyramids. You know? I'm not in the cheesecake factory. I'm not at the movie theater. at the multiplex.

I'm not at Aunt Annie's twisted cinnamon pretzels. I'm not at Cinnabon. I'm not at the airport. I'm not watching football on a Sunday night. I'm sitting inside the ancient pyramids of Egypt. And that memory sticks with me. That event resonates with me. That was exciting and stimulating.

It made me feel alive. It reminded me that there's a whole world out there. And I'm not saying this to suggest that you haven't done these things Or you haven't experienced these things I know you have What I'm saying is don't forget and try and do something this year It's a fresh new year Because believe me, there's a lot of you listening Who don't make the effort

Okay, congrats to those of you who do But to those of you who don't please that's that's my little homework assignment to you and i want you to call me at the new number we have later this year and tell me about your adventure okay and i hope it uh it has meaning and impacts your life and uh like i said i already have mine planned out as i get closer to it i will unveil it and i will share it with you and i will even try to record it and have it so I can play it back to you, and I will tell you how it made me feel

and what kind of experience it was. So if I'm going to do it, you guys need to do it. Okay? And even if it's a $400 flight to Montana, let's say you've never fly fished before. Go do it. spend five, six hundred bucks or three hundred bucks, whatever. Go to a lodge in Montana and fly fish.

I don't care if you don't know how to do it. There'll be a guy there that'll show you. You'll be standing in a river, commuting with nature, catching trout. You'll love it. Even if you've never even had the thought, just go do it. Experience something new. Or go to Egypt. or go to Florida and go on a swamp boat and look for alligators

or go to Switzerland and climb a mountain go to the Amazon and take a boat trip on a boat up the Amazon and look for howler monkeys whoo! Woo! Go jump in the ocean. Throw a crab at your wife. Do something. I want you to do that because I think that's part of the key to happiness so if you can do it i know i'm really rattling on about it now and

i'm getting preachy and annoying but i'm doing it from the right place from my heart it's uh it's it's it's it's a thing of love and i'm just reminding you to keep tasting all the flavors that life has to offer so that's all i'm going to say um don't forget folks i'm going to be in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania for New Year's Eve. I will be working at the Improv Comedy Club starting on Thursday, December 20th, December 30th, and working right through till the second.

So I will be bringing in the new year with people, the good folks of Pittsburgh. It's going to be a blast. You can go to my website, harlemwilms.com, to get all the ticket and show. Showtime Info. And it's going to be a riot. And then don't forget, well, this is the first time I'm announcing it.

So let me tell you our next podcast will be our New Year's Eve show and a bunch of our guests, our celebrity characters, all the personalities you know from the Harland Highway will be dropping by to the Harland Highway New Year's party. I hope you can join us. I think you'll recognize a lot of the personalities. And there will be liquor, and I have a feeling it could get interesting. So do join us. Once again, I hope your holiday's going great. I hope you had a Merry, Merry Christmas or Hanukkah or whatever you celebrated. I hope you're having a relaxing, wonderful time with your friends and family.

I'm excited about the new year. I hope you decide to ride with me down the Harlan Highway in the new year as we try to build it bigger and better and funnier and you tell your friends and have them join us and like I said, we'll have a new phone number so our lines of communication can work a lot better between me and you and there you go. So thanks for joining today.

I hope you had a great time. know I did, and we will catch you on the next podcast when we are at the Harland Highway New Year's party. So until them, my friends, for the second last time, this year, chicken, chow, Maine, baby!