The Harland Highway - PODCAST 211 - NEW YEAR

Episode Date: December 31, 2010

This is the new years eve show - listen in as I mingle at the new years party with all the cast and crew from the Harland Highway. And Happy New Year too!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

All is quiet on New Year's Day, I will podcast again. I will, yes, I will, I will. That's a threat, a promise, a warning, and an invitation, and a pleasure rap, whatever that means. Wow, it's kind of sad, but it's kind of happy. We're at the end of something, but we're at the beginning of something, too. Can you believe another year has seeped through the cracks on all of us? We're all a little wiser, a little older, a little sadder, a little happier, a little richer, a little poorer. It's just life, man. It's just life.

And, you know, no matter how rough or how good it is, it's got its ups and downs. It's a fight, it's a struggle, it's a journey, it's a pleasure cruise, it's all those things wrapped into one. And tonight, we've got the whole cast and crew here at the Harland Highway to help bring in the new year, start a new beginning. I want to thank all of you for being here, being on the highway for the first year, and hopefully we have another great year this year. Tell your friends, have fun. Let everyone know, it's the first year.

Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hi, I'm Jackie want to play. Please go away and leave me alone. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Keep it going. Love the show.

You're hilarious. My blanche! My blue blanket. Give me my blue blanket. Passing your seat. You're riding down the Harlan Highway. It's the Harland Highway. Have you checked the children?

Wow. Okay, hey, here we go. Oh, my goodness. Oh, boy. This is Harlem Williams. Welcome to the Harland Highway New Year's Eve party. Wow, what a crowd. I'm looking around the room.

What a crowd we have in here tonight. We're counting down New Year's. this is unbelievable this is unbelievable i can't even believe that the uh the upper management here the people running the podcast through a party together for us this is uh wow i mean i'm i'm looking around the room everybody's here uh there's charlie lee over there i see charlie lee over by the buffet table there's uh who else there's oh god there's cinnamon boy trying to avoid that creep all night and oh there's charles parsley the announcer for uh for the harland highway uh sporting events um who else we got oh look over there there's i see uh dr debby debby timer the life coach

uh looks like she's talking to rosa louisa the cleaning lady and oh god oh god i got a duck behind this plant there's dr ascot i will not be talking to dr ascot tonight Oh, oh boy. There's Mr. Featherstone, my boss, who runs the whole thing. There's my producer, Roger, over there, having some drinks, standing at the bar. Holy smoke. I mean, everybody's here. So here's what we're going to do.

Happy New Year, everybody. Wow, this is the Harland Highway New Year's party. And we're going to be bringing it in. We're going to be counting it down. We're going to be dropping the ball, I guess, or whatever they do. We're going to be popping a cork. We're going to be singing Old Langxine. I don't know what's going to happen here.

The whole cast and crew and all the staff members, everyone who's affiliated with, oh, wait a minute. There's Sandy Chopper, the traffic helicopter guy. Sandy, hello. Hey. You just flipped me off. Great. So we're going to be counting down the new year. I'm going to be walking around, you know, talking everyone.

I'm going to keep mic that we've got a live mic on me tonight. So I'm just going to be wandering around, you know, infiltrating the party, just socializing. And we're going to have fun. We're going to have drinks. It's a festive night. We're bringing in the new year with you, all our fans, all our listeners. of the Harland Highway. Welcome. Happy New Year. And we'll be checking in with this party all night. I'm going to go over and there's Mr. Featherstone waving me over. Okay. I'm going to go over. Talk to my

boss. Listen to this and we'll be back. We're going to be here all night. Counting down the new year here on the Harland Highway. Yeah, I'm coming, sir. Yeah, I'm coming. Yeah. Oh, you're talking to the secretary behind me, sorry. Okay, this is Harlem Williams on the Harlan Highway with you. Are you ready to talk about one of the most annoying things that happens to us? Getting in lines. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. Go to a movie and you're waiting in the line to buy your ticket and there's like five or six cashiers.

And there's five or six lines and it's a big night. It's opening night. It's Saturday night. The lines are long. And you walk up and you go, oh my gosh, which line? Okay, that line looks a little bit shorter. But that line has a family in it. And that line's got like a weird-looking guy with a hair lip and a freaky eye.

And that guy, that line, I don't know, that line looks like it smells. And you've got to pick a line and you're gambling. You're going, okay, which line is going to get me to the front of the line where I can buy my ticket in time? to get down to the snack bar to get in that line and then get into my seat in time. And don't you know it, you always pick the wrong line. You always get in the line where there's some freak who doesn't know what movie they wanted.

They decided right there to look at the menu of 35. I think I want to go to theater two. No, wait, what's Theater 5 all about? Oh, is that a horror movie? Oh, I don't like it. Oh, you got any comedies? Oh, really? Well, what about this one?

And you're just back. They're going, come on, ass. And meanwhile, you have to stand there and watch all the other lines go through. And you see people that came in behind you, and their lines going faster than you. And in your head, you're like, what are you doing? Man, I got through the doors before you did. I saw you, well, you were still driving in the parking lot looking for a spot.

And then you go down, and you finally get to the front. You're in the slowest line, then you go down to the snack bar, and you've got to do it all over again. And there's that same idiot. How big are the popcorns? Do you have Diet Coke? Well, what size are they? Do you sell ice cream?

What's in the hot dog meat? Ah, is there a line for rifles? This is Highland Williams. I should create an invention, a linometer. Somehow it predicts how long you'll be in a line. I think I'll just go get in line. and pick my face with a cheese stick. Wow, this is quite a spread you put out here, Mr. Featherstone, sir.

Yeah, it's quite a party we put out. We do this every year. Yeah, I'm blown away by, you know, the snacks and the decorations, and this is stunning. By the way, who are you? Harland Williams. Who? Harland Williams. Howland?

Harland. Howland? What? Harland Williams, sir, from the Harland Highway. Oh, yeah, that's the show we do here. Yeah, that's what this party is, the Harland Highway New Year's party. Yeah, and you are. Harland.

Harland. Harland Williams. I'm the host of the Harland Highway, sir. Oh, oh, you're that guy. Okay, I've heard about you. Well, yes, sir, I'm kind of the reason this is all happening. Oh, so now you're gone all of a sudden. No, I'm just saying that I host the show and this is all the cast and the crew here.

Yeah, I'll tell you who's who here, okay? Don't you be telling me? I'm Doug Featherstone and I run this operation. Yes, sir, I'm aware of that. You cut the paychecks and all that. I understand. Yeah, have you tried the tuna melts? Tuna melt, sir?

Yeah, what they do is we got this cook Charlie Lee. Yeah, Charlie Lee, from Charlie Lee's Moonglow restaurant. Yeah, he showed me how he does it. When he does, he gets a tuna. Okay. And he shoves it in the oven. Okay. And he turns it on high.

All right, you mean a full fish? Yeah, a full fish. A tuna fish. What the hell do you think I'm talking about? Well, okay. So he shoves the whole thing. tuna in the oven and turns it on high until it melts.

I'm not sure that's how you make a tuna melt, sir. Oh, what are you all of a sudden? Georgio Christie? I'm not sure who that is, sir. Well, it's probably a chef from Europe, whether you ever heard a name like Georgio Cruste before? Well, no.

Well, it sounds like a chef from Europe, doesn't it? I guess it does. Well, then who do you think you are, Georgio Cristo? Sir, I just came over to say thank you for having all these people here. Yeah, there's a lot of guys here, too. I bet you're happy about that. Excuse me, sir? A lot of guys.

What are you talking about? Uh-huh. Excuse me? Yeah, you heard me. Uh-huh. Sir, happy New Year, sir, I just wanted to say. Yeah, well, hey, you ever fought on a Christmas caroler? No, sir. I haven't farted on a Christmas carol, or you ought to try it sometime. Maybe you'll sleep in heavenly peace. Get out of here. I got to go talk to Rosa Louisa over there. Okay, sir, thanks. Thanks again.

Wow, okay. I just don't think that guy knows who I am. Boy, oh boy. Hey, how you doing, funny guy? Oh, hey, Charlie Lee. How are you? We were just talking about you. Oh, Charlie Lee. Everybody talk about Charlie Lee. Yeah, well, I found out how you made your tuna melts. Yeah, well, don't be giving away my shiny restaurant secrets or nobody coming to the Moonglow restaurant, William Shakespeare. Why is everyone calling me names tonight?

Oh, funny guy. I have a lot to drink tonight. Yeah, well, you look a little cheery. Yeah, Charlie Lee won't make a toast. Oh, you want to make a toast? Okay, yeah. Okay, let's quiet everyone down, and everybody, quiet down. Charlie Lee wants to make a toast.

There we go. Thank you. Thank you. Okay, Charlie, go ahead and make your toast. No funny guy. What do you mean? No. Charlie Lee, while going kitchen and make toast.

Shrimp Papa toast. Wait a minute. actually want to make real toast? Yeah, you dumb ass, Charlie Lee want to make a shrimp toast. Oh, never mind, everybody. Sorry. Sorry. Wow, you really slow down party, funny guy. Ruin the vine.

Well, Charlie, enjoy the night. Go have a drink. Yeah, Charlie's going to have booze it up. Well, you booze it up and, uh, well, Charlie's boozing it up, folks. We're going to get back to some more programming here, and as I said, we'll be checking back in with the cast of the crew and the party. We're going to be counting down New Year's, so stay with us. Up yours, funny guy. Charlie, up your lungs, so Charlie leave your set.

Oh, man, you got to love pizza, right, people? How many of you order a pizza at least once a week, if not every day? you can never finish them I mean it's hard to finish a whole pizza on your own unless you're like you know Baluga the killer whale or somebody the thing I love about pizza is you can eat like four slices or five

sits there in that little cardboard box and you can literally just leave it where you're sitting you just let it sit there overnight and the next day and that next night you stood down to watch TV again and you go hell yeah the pizza you flip open the box you just eat it it's cold it's kind of a little bit harder but for some

reason pizza just last and last and last are you throw it in the fridge four days later oh yeah pizza slice yeah i'll finish that you know what i want to see i think the ultimate test will be when the national geographic guys are out around in uh egypt poking around in one of tootun common secret chambers or they unearth the sarcophagus of king rutton tutton flutton button callitucky wakitunkin and they pry open that old sarcophagus and my goodness dr kildare what is it i'm telling you man it's a triangle you mean a golden triangle an amulet of some sort no my good man it looks like pepperoni mushrooms and bacon it's a pizza slice It's been sitting here since 47 AD. Oh, 47 BC, I'm not sure. Either way, it's bloody delicious.

You start eating in, all of a sudden the king tutton-cutting button fucking glunkin' tuckin' clunkin' clunkin' stits up. Hey, ma'am, give me my pizza slice back. I was saving that for another 75 years. Okay, I exaggerate, right? This is Harland Williams. If you don't want to buy groceries and you want a meal that will last you a week, get a pizza. Happy dining here on the Harlan Highway. Wow, it is really heating up here at the Harland Highway New Year's Eve party.

This is, I'm kind of happy to see everyone together. Hello, Arland. Oh, my God. Hello, Arland. Happy New Year, Arland. Oh, God. Hello, Dr. Ascot. I'd kind of been avoiding you, if you want me to be honest.

I always appreciate your honesty, Arland. Oh, are you okay? Excuse me, Arland. I've had a little bit to drink. Well, yeah, wow, I can smell a little bit of booze on your breath there. Sorry, Holland. I'm a little intoxicated. All right, take it easy.

Wow, you got to watch the hiccups. They smell a little. like garbage. Oh, well, I'm just saying what have you been drinking? Oh, a little bit of this, a little bit of that,

Holland. Dr. Ascott, God, you have to blast that right in my face? Sorry, Allent. Oh, God. I'm very excited about New Year's, Alan. Yeah, I think we're all excited about New Year's.

You know, we're going to do the countdown and the ball drop and the what and the ball drop allan oh no what there's no ball drop we're just doing a countdown oh there'll be a ball drop all right allan what do you mean there'll be a ball drop every new year's eve all and i get drinking and i get very excited and my left testicle drops down in my trousers right down to the inside of my thigh Oh, my God, what? You heard me, Arland, with the stroke of midnight, my ball drops. Oh, God, that's disgusting, Dr. Ascot.

Oh, God, what the hell have you been drinking? Eggnog, Arlen, Arlen, would you like this slow dance? Oh, I'm getting out of here. Oh, God! I hope you're around for my ball drop, Alan. That's disgusting. I'm getting out of here. Let me move along. Hi, I'm cinnamon boy.

Oh, God. From one idiot to another. Don't call me an idiot. I'm cinnamon boy. And I suppose you're drinking too, aren't you, kid? You bet I am. And what are you drinking? You cranked up on vodka or something?

Nope, I'm drinking eggnog. Well, okay, I guess you're normal. And you know why I'm drinking eggnog? Gee, why? Because it's got cinnamon in it, and I'm cinnamon boy, and I love cinnamon. Get out of here, kid. Don't tell me to get out of here. It's New Year's.

And I'm going to bring in New Year's with all kinds of cinnamon. Get out of here. Oh, I'll wish you don't want to see my ball drop early. Oh, God. All right, we're cutting away from this party. We'll be back in a few more minutes as we get closer to the big countdown. And the ball drop, Arland. And the cinnamon.

Get up. We'll be back. in a minute, folks. Paul and... Cinnamon! Idiots. God. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what... You want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about

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So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Go hide behind a table. Oh, yeah. Yeah, well, New Year's is interesting. How many of you have been in a situation at a New Year's party and it gets down to midnight and everyone starts kissing? Have you ever had that happen where, you know, there's two scenarios that play out.

You can either have your eye on someone you've wanted to kiss for a long time and it's a great excuse and you're like, oh, my God, there's Karen. and I've got to get over there and finally I get to kiss her even though she's married and she has kids or, you know, she's single or whatever but you've just been dying to kiss this person. So now you have a chance

or the flip side of that is there's someone at the party you've been avoiding and they've got their laser beam set on you and the girl with the hair lip or the fangled teeth or the gingivitis has been scoping. you out she's like hi harland happy new year and after you know her mouth leaves yours there's like green gas coming out you've got like suction scars on your cheeks and your lips are bleeding and

some of your teeth are crooked oh god it's scary man it is scary i remember probably i think my very first French kiss was at a New Year's Eve party when I was in high school and there's this one girl in our class that me and all the guys were just nuts about man we were we all she was that girl she was the girl that every guy in the school every guy in our year every guy on our class was just like oh my god if only right and um she had a boyfriend she had a boyfriend in one of the upper grades which pissed us all off because the guy you know the guy was a bit of a doofus and we were all like oh god and they were into it intensely and they've been going out for a number of years and blah blah blah and somehow we all ended up at a new year's

party once and um we'd all been dreaming about this girl and sure enough midnight came around and uh you know she'd been doing a little drinking and she wasn't hammered she's just been drinking and everyone was, the midnight came and the kissing started, and I didn't expect her to kiss me or I to kiss her. I had no preconceived notion of doing that. We just happened to be in the same proximity. And I turned around, and there she was, and there I was, and she kissed me.

And I was like, okay, and I thought it would be a brief little kiss. and in the middle of the kiss, lo and behold, she slides her tongue into my mouth. And I think, I don't know if a 17 or 18-year-old can have a heart attack, but I think I almost did. And it was just one of those moments in life, that first experience, that first time, and to have it happen with kind of the girl you'd been dreaming about day and night.

It was just like a mind-blowing. and I was just kind of like paralyzed and instantly in love, you know, no question, just, well, I guess we're in love. She put her tongue in my mouth, we must be in love. The difference being she was a well-versed, experienced girl who had had a boyfriend and probably, you know, had sex at that point in her life and knew about the world of relationships. and here I was a virgin and a young inexperienced kid who came out of an all-boys boarding school into a co-ed Catholic school so I still wasn't acclimated to being around girls and to all of a sudden have this happen I was just like wow it sent me into a tailspin for about two months man I was like I was confused elated and love

I just, you know, when you're a kid and you don't know anything about all that stuff, all these emotions hit you, and, uh, oh, it was fun, man, it was fun. One of those, those life experiences you never forget. How about you? Do you remember your first French kiss? Not your first kiss, but probably the first time you had a Frenchie. Hey, bonjour, how about a Frenchie? Can I interest you in some fresh time? tongue um so there you go and uh the other thing about new year's is sometimes do you feel that

it's forced you ever get in that situation well it's new years i guess i gotta get drunk right maybe you're not even in the mood and sometimes new year's can be a bummer because you kind of feel like you have to have a great time you have to be drunk you have to be living it up and celebrating and maybe you're just not in that frame of mind you know what i mean you know sometimes the best parties are the ones where you don't plan anything you just go out or you hit a party like i'll roll in there and then all of a sudden next thing you know you have the best night of your life i always i always find when you plan something like that it uh you kind of ruins it steps on the uh the good time a bit so um sometimes new years can do that to you and then one of the things i used to do um

and still do a little bit, as I always used to try and spend New Year's in a different part of the world, in a different country. And I've spent New Year's Eve in Australia. I've spent New Year's Eve in the Dominican Republic. I've spent New Year's Eve in Paris, France. I've spent New Year's Eve in Germany, you know, all over the world up in Canada, down in the United States. I've spent it on a frozen. and Lake in Quebec, all over the place, man.

And that's kind of fun. But let's face it, that's an expensive way to spend New Year's. Happy New Year. We're buying a plane ticket to China. Can we just, like, sit in the living room and eat Pringles and stuff? Okay. But some good times, man. I remember standing on a balcony in Germany, in Cologne, Germany.

Or maybe I was in Berlin, I can't remember. It might have been Berlin and firecrackers or fireworks are going off in the sky. And I'm standing on the balcony with my German girlfriend, very romantic. And then another time I was in Paris. And me and my buddy were there. We were riding around in bumper cars that they had set up in the middle of the street for some reason. We went to some crazy cabaret. where girls were dancing, and we were wandering down the cobblestone streets with a bottle of wine.

And we were in the shadow of the Eiffel Tower. And I remember for some reason I brought these stuffed monkeys. And I don't know, you know me. I've always got weird stuff, and I had these stuffed like toy monkeys. And there was a lineup to get in this, this. major nightclub this major paris nightclub and the lineup was all the way down the street and it was a bunch of money and uh and i thought man we can't wait in this line so i walked up to the guys at the door and i was like i was like hey we're here for the the monkey show the owner hired us to do the monkey

show at midnight and the guy was like hey come so i said i pointed to the monkeys we had them wrapped around our our waist and we're like i pointed out the monkey show at midnight the owner hired us to come in because i indicated he wanted a little money so i slipped him like 90 bucks or something and uh off we went into this crazy nightclub and we're up dancing and swinging our monkeys around and oh it was crazy then in australia one time i ended up in a small little town um on the coast on the east coast the gold coast of australia of australia this little town called Malulubah and I was in some nightclub

and some girl that was a dead look-alike a dead ringer for that 70s 80s actress Molly Ringwald. I mean almost identical, probably a little better looking and somehow we ended up making

out all night on the dance floor. Two complete strangers, a Canadian Harland Williams and the Australian Molly ringwalled um and then i remember we were in the dominican republic once me and my cousin and a bunch of guys and we didn't have a hotel and we stayed up all night and getting drunk at a disco and we woke up on the beach and i'll never forget it man we all woke up and i just woke up and

oh just when i woke up i blasted the biggest fart you've ever heard and just as i did it this lady walked over the sand dune in her bikini just froze kind of hit her right in the face and we're all like howling it's like welcome to the first few hours of the new year vile and vile and disgusting but some shared memories of the new year but enough of that we have a party to get to let's get back to the Harland Highway. New Year's Eve party because I do believe the countdown will begin very, very soon. Hi, could I get some cheese pops please? Could I get some cheese pops? Is that too much to ask to get some goddamn cheese pops? Where the fuck were you hired from? A delinquent home? Seriously. We'll bring me some goddamn cheese pops. Oh, hey, Doc.

Dr. Karen? Oh, oh, hello. Oh, hi, Harlan. Hi. Are you upset about something? Oh, I just trying to get some goddamn cheese cups. It's the health in here. A bunch of dildos. Oh, well, yeah, I'm sure they'll come around with something. Are you having a good time at the New Year's party? I guess so. I mean, it's hard to walk around this room and just fill the energy in here and see that everybody's a little, you know, using alcohol. to buffer their pain. Well, I guess you mean, like, in an analytical sense. I think you know what I mean, okay?

At all these staff functions, people use the booze to shed their shell and come out and talk about things. Well, have you been drinking Dr. Debbie? Of course not. Excuse me. I have diarrhea. Oh, okay. So have you been, Harlan?

Are you happy with the program and the... show and well i'm i'm really happy with your segment you know the listeners really seem to enjoy the help you give them of course i'm a life coach well exactly and who doesn't need a little help these days well i i guess i do but i have dr ascot oh god that's son of a bitch did you tell you about the ball drop he does at midnight what you know about that's the word porcupine tea bag ring a bell oh god Yeah. I was napping on the couch at last year's party. I opened my eyes and Dr. Ascot's prickly nutbag was lowering right down onto my face. Okay. I don't need to hear the rest. Well, if you've got homoerotic issue. No, I don't have homoerotic issue. Why does everything have to be an issue? I just don't want to hear about Dr. Ascot's ball drop on your face. Well, it wasn't fun for me either. Believe me. Well, okay. Hi. Hi. Oh, excuse me, Dr. Debbie, that's Michael Jackson's here. Oh, Christ, that's freak. Can I get my goddamn cheese puff? Excuse me, can you come back here? I need my cheese puff.

Hi, you're here today. Hi, Michael. I didn't know you were going to be here. Yeah, it's special. Well, don't use that word. You know, I don't like that. Yeah, but it's New Year's, and it's special. Okay, you know what, I'm going to give it to you. It's New Year's. New Year's special. It's New Year's. Eve, maybe it is special. That's right, special. How are you feeling? How's everything doing?

I heard you died. Yes, I died. I'm bad. Well, is it... Are you okay? I'm still bad. You're still bad, even though you're dead. Yeah, I'm special.

Okay, see, it's getting annoying. You say it won too many... What, special? You say it one too many times, and it gets annoying. Can you make a New Year's resolution? The special one? No, just a normal New Year's resolution. Why can't I make it special?

Okay, make it special. What is it? Why don't you make a New Year's resolution to never say special again? That's special. Okay, I'm out of here. I've got to go. Okay, I'll see you later. It'll be special.

Oh, God. We get over here. Oh, there's, hey, there is Sandy Chopper. How are you? Well, hi, Harlow. How are you? Well, I guess I'm doing good. How are you?

Well, I had trouble finding the place, but I finally made it. I went down to Kentucky. Well, what did you? Kentucky? Well, I thought the party was in Kentucky, Ireland. You do get lost a lot, don't you? Yes, I do. Oh, excuse me, Sandy.

There's John Waters over there. Okay, nice to see you. I'm really working, John. Hi, guys. Oh, look, it's Harley. Williams. How are you, Arlen? Hi, how are you, Harlan? I'm doing good, guys. Good to see you here. I guess there's no one New Year's Eve prayed to speak of. No, and thank goodness, Harlan, because you know that wouldn't really be working. Yeah, well, you can say that again. It wouldn't really be working.

Yeah, that's what I meant. Well, guys, we're getting ready to do the countdown. Let's get together. And here we go. Let's turn on the monitors. Everybody, everybody, it looks like it's that time. Everybody, get ready. Here we go. Let's do the countdown. Oh, I'm ready, all of it.

Believe me, I'm ready. Oh, God, get away from me. Okay, here we go. It's New Year's. Here's the countdown. Here we go. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 3, 3, two

one happy new year happy new year everybody happy new year from the harland highway happy new year

should all the quakeets be forgot your mind should all acquaintance be forgot Well, I just want to say, well, I just want to say happy new year to everybody.

Thanks for listening to the Harlan Highway. We've had a great year, and here's me wishing all of you the best in the new year. I hope it's a great one. and all your dreams come true and uh until that time until our first podcast of the new year chicken chau maim baby holland i think my ball dropped oh god allan would you lift it up for me what a way to end the party Oh!