The Harland Highway - PODCAST 212

Episode Date: January 3, 2011

Cheaters, corn dogs, body clocks, working out in the new year, sexy beds, pop up ads. Twiddly diddly dee!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Don't call me, babe, don't call me, babe, don't call me, babe. Oliando, Oli, Oli, Oli, Oli, Oliando. It's my podcast, the Harland Highway, yes. You might want to gag on my singing. Welcome, everybody. It is the first podcast of the new year. Happy to have you here. We're going to be talking about the new year.

We're going to be discussing our plans, your plans, my plans for the new year to make it fun and exciting and worthwhile. I would be remiss if I didn't kick off the first show of the year with a little conversation about corn dogs, right? What am I an idiot? We're going to be talking about corn dogs. We're going to be talking about you. Are you a cheater? Do cheat on your partner, on your spouse, on your wife? We're going to be getting into that.

We're going to be talking about beding. Always important to talk about your bed. We're going to be discussing pop-up ads on your computers. Is there anything more annoying? We're going to be talking about you working out in the new year and how hard it is to keep your body in shape and sleeping habits and body clocks and all that good stuff, man. It's just the show's chock full of interesting topics.

but isn't it always, because you're here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hi, I'm Jackie want to play. Please go away and leave me alone. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Man, keep it going. Love the show.

You're all over there. My blanket. My blue blanket. Give me my blue blanket. Fasten your seat. You're riding down the Harlan Highway. It's the Holland Highway. Have you checked the children?

Hi, you want to buy a cell phone? Hi, you want to buy some Viagra? Hi, you want to buy an airline ticket? Hi, you want to buy some Swamp Land in Florida? See what I'm doing here, people? I'm doing pop-up ads. Yeah, I'm doing pop-up ads on the radio. I could just pop up at any second and do an ad.

Hi, you want to buy some chocolate? See, I just did one right there. Right in the middle of this segment, I did a pop-up ad. Hi, you want to buy a new car? See, are you annoyed yet? Yeah, I know. I'm annoyed just listening to myself. Doing pop-up ads.

Oh, my God. You ever get on the internet, on your computer? These little pop-up ads keep showing up. You're looking at a web page and someone has advertising on the side and there's a guy dancing or there's a little game pin the tail on the donkey or shoot a hockey puck

at the fat guy or something or there's something flashing like a neon strobe light and it's like singeing your irises and all you want to do is just look at the website or look at your emails and you got all these distractions going off it's like there's a little midget off to the side

going look over here look over here Hey, pay attention to me. Hey, don't read your email. Read me. You want some Viagra? You want some chocolate. Yeah, annoying, right? Oh, man, you know what I'd like to do?

I'd like to pop up at the guy's house who makes pop-up ads. Yeah, that's right. He's sleeping, going to bed on his nice $3,000 mattress from the money he's made from doing annoying pop-up ads. He thinks everything's safe and secure. And I pop up from under his bed. Just as he's about to go to sleep, I pop up and go, you want to buy some Viagra? You want to buy some chocolate? You want to buy a new car? Am I annoying you yet? Ah! Oh yeah, let's all get his address and we'll all pop up. Payback time, baby. Here, on the Harland Highway.

buy some chocolate and here's something that's kind of the opposite of popping up this is more like popping out like puking out okay stay with me here how many of you have eaten a corn dog we all love corn dogs who doesn't love a deep fried stick of lips and assholes a meat stick of lips and assholes from a cow dipped in batter and deep fried. Well worth the triple bypass. Believe me.

If you got to go, that's the way to go. Corn dog. But here's what I'm getting at. You ever notice corn dogs are on these wooden sticks? They look like tongue depressors or suppressors, right? And you start eating the corn dog, and you get down, and you get down to like the last two bites. and the batter is stuck to kind of the lower end of the stick.

And so when you go to eat that last little bite at the bottom, you're shoving the tongue suppressor way down into your throat. Right? It's like you're at the doctor's office and he's shoving that popsicle stick down your throat. Right? Or it almost hits your gag reflex. The little wooden stick almost hits your epiglottis, which is that dingling thing in the back of your throat.

Hate to say, but it looks like an oversized clitoris, okay? There, I'm a little crude, but that's what it looks like. And you're like, I've got to get that last piece of corn dog down on the end of this. I mean, is it really worth it? I mean, that skinny bamboo shaft goes way down your throat Oh, there's a little bit of batter Way down towards the bottom of that corn dog stick

I can't let that go Oh, um, corn dog Oh! Right? God I'm just saying, be careful, man Last thing you want to do is eat a, corn dog and then when you go for the bottom of it you puke the whole corn dog right back up

imagine that if you can puke the corn dog right back up and it actually stuck to the stick and when you pulled the corn dog out of your mouth it was all there again what it's as if you oh god what am i talking about anyways watch yourself be careful and be careful not to stimulate your epiglottis. Are you a cheater? Hmm? I don't mean cheating on your taxes. Uh-huh.

I don't mean cheating at a card game. I don't care if you have an ace up your sleeve. Are you cheating on your significant other? Look in the mirror. Look in the mirror. Are you a cheater? Are you fooling around behind your girlfriend or your wife or your husband or your husband or your boyfriend? Are you fooling around behind their back? Do you feel any remorse, any

guilt? Do you feel justified? Do you have a reason and explanation? I'm sure you do. Do you think it's right? Ask yourself. Say it out loud. I am cheating on my partner. Is it right? Hmm. Would you like it done to you. Imagine the pain. Imagine you are madly in love with someone or you're in a relationship. And they came home right now tonight or they

called you on your cell phone right now, right after this segment finished. And they said, John? They said, John, I'm cheating on you. I'm sleeping with your friend Larry.

How would you feel, man. Remember that old saying, do one to others, as thou would have done unto thine self? I mean, come on, man. I know, there's a lot of temptation out there, man, but you know you're not supposed to rob a bank, and I don't see you robbing a bank. Hmm? There's a lot of things you're not supposed to do.

Cheating's just as immoral as some of the other things. It's just as not a law. There's no law against cheating. It's only a law of the heart, really. But what does it say about you if you're cheating? What kind of person are you? Don't you feel you owe the other person a way out or an explanation? How's your integrity?

I know, I'm throwing a guilt trip at you, man, but I don't know. I just, I've bumped into, I've heard from a lot of people lately are just cheating and having affairs, and it doesn't seem to matter anymore. And by golly, if I got to be the voice of reason on this comedy extravaganza, and I have to get serious for a minute, I'm doing it. Don't cheat, people. Just a minute.

Wait, who's here? My secretary? Yeah, tell her I'll be, I'll meet her in the boardroom in just a, give me about 10 minutes. I got my girlfriend's on line three, and I got to finish up a phone call, and then I will meet with my secretary. Okay, so there's my little soapbox for today. Keep it real in the deal here on the Harland Highway. I don't know.

Maybe you're just over your relationship, and that's why people cheat, right? They just don't have the problem. passion anymore they don't have the energy they don't have the lust and so you know they just kind of give up and they're like well this person's still kicking around so i'm gonna cheat maybe that'll get rid of them or maybe that'll make me want to get rid of them and you know but i guess it's part of the human condition cheating what a tragedy um and if you want to get rid of someone guys here's here's a sure fire way Okay, guys, if you are kind of a player, if you're a playboy, if you're a sleaze bag,

and you're just looking to have fun with girls, but, you know, you don't want that whole sleeping over thing. You know, it's like you want to get a little goofy, get a little frisky with a girl. And when she goes, where are we sleeping? What's your bed look like? Do you have an extra toothbrush? I can't wait to cuddle with you all night. and in your head you're like wait a minute no no no no we were just supposed to make out for a while and then you're out of here who said anything about sleeping over what so here's here's a surefire way

to uh to make sure that doesn't happen guys if you don't want it to go buy a bunk bed okay go to ikea wherever you got to go go to baby gap go to wherever kids or us toys whatever you got to do buy yourself a damn bunk bed okay sleep on the top or the bottom whichever one it's kind of more fun if you're on top but you get into the bunk bed and you fool around and soon as the girl says so um which pillow is mine you say pillow you're not sleeping over she's like what do you mean about sleeping over and go well my my roommate Ed's going to be home in about an hour. He sleeps up above in the bunk pad.

What? Yeah, but didn't I tell you how to roommate, Ed, big Greek guy, lots of hair, snores like crazy, farts like a fish. Ew. Yeah, he's just, he's going to be up there, and he talks in his sleep a lot, and he's really protective of me, so he always likes to kind of bend down and look in on me and make sure I'm sleeping okay. You know that kind of guy. I got to go.

What? wait a minute no i really gotta go yeah get yourself a bunk bed and you'll you'll never have to worry about the unwanted friend spending the night hey man i'm home

oh uh i was just kidding you're you're just imaginary no i'm not man i'm sleeping over top of you well i don't really have a bunk bad well then i'll just sleep on top of you Oh, my God. Yeah, that's what she said. The wind. What about the wind, man? Just starts blowing you around.

All the stuff you have. Just sucked out of your hands, blowing down the street. Ah! There goes my divorce papers. Are you ever catch a hottie walking down the street? She's wearing a dress, and all of a sudden, whee! Hello!

Free show. See more. Yeah, and then there's the haughties that know it's going to happen and just let it. Hello! How about these giant windmills? People are charging their homes with wind power. Have you seen it? They're erecting these 30-foot poles in their yards with windmills.

We're like the modern Dutch. Oh, we need are the wooden clogs and those funny little hats and lilies growing in our yards. We are getting the wind power, yeah. We will get the wind and make a home a happy home with the wind power. How many birds have met their end, thanks to wind power? You imagine you're like a Blue Jay flying south for the winter? You're flying down to Florida, coming out of Canada or Minnesota. Suddenly there's a giant ceiling fan in front of you.

I'd like to see how many feathers are sitting at the bottom of one of those giant windmills I should start a windmill and down comforter and pillow company I'll just stand under the windmill with a bag and wait for all the nice soft feathers to fall in alternative energy sources people some people call me an old windbag but I don't care I'm just going to keep on blowing, baby. Blowing right down the Harlan Highway. Look out, Blue Jay!

Ah! Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse.

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Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. well here we go it's the beginning of a new year and i know i talk to you folks about this um you know before the new year before the holidays and uh just you know just to put it out there throw it out there into the universe as they say um just to remind you um to this year uh do something cool different new fresh and exciting for yourself don't be afraid to step outside of your comfort zone outside of your box and try something a little different that might stimulate

your life or pull you in a little different direction or you know i'm just saying don't forget to live to enjoy the different flavors the life has to offer it's a new year so let's get it on write that book write that movie go visit that friend go to that country you've always wanted to see go scuba diving whatever um try to make sure you don't get on a treadmill and just kind of go through the motions so that the years don't blend into each other um remember that life is short and it's what you make of it and uh just take take the time for your You know, you're working for the man, you're working for other people to make money somewhere, some CEO for whoever you're working for is making a fortune and he's doing it. He's out there on a yacht.

He's out there flying into space. He's out there scuba diving, right? You think the big guy at the top of your company just goes into the office. every day and sits behind the desk and puts in the eight hours the way you and I do. No. So don't let him ride your back all the way to a life of leisure, man. Even if you don't make a million dollars, find that special, find that trip, find that opening, and do some things for yourself that add some color, add some excitement,

excitement, add some life to your life. There you go. I'm keeping it short. Not trying to lecture you, but, you know, part of being on the highway here is to bring us to a level of consciousness where we're enjoying life. And that's what this goofy podcast is about to bring a little joy into your life. I don't know how many of you have just shut it out. This ain't joy. This is retarded.

I want joy of my life, not retarded. But no matter how you take it, enjoy it, enjoy your new year. And I just wanted to slip that in there as we do open the door to a brand new year. So let's have fun. Let's get it gone. And thanks again, folks, for being here on the Harland Highway. Let's have another groovy year of silliness. Oh, man, I did it.

It's the first week of the new year, and I went back to the gym. And I'll be honest, I was a lazy ass for the last six months. I haven't been to the gym. You know how it works. You go in spurts, like you go for three days in a row, and then don't go for nine months. You know those kind of spurts? It's never the other way.

You go to the gym for nine months, and then take three years. days off. No, no, no. You go for three days and feel like you're really healthy and you're ripped and you're cut. And it's like, you know what? I did three days at the gym. I better take nine months off, man, and chill. I don't want to overdo it type of thing, you know? Owl. Yeah, so I went back for the first time and, oh, it's just brutal. Because they got those mirrors everywhere so you can kind of see yourself and you got that. I haven't been to the gym for nine months look going on.

But at the same time you look in the mirror and you envision how you want to look and you realize you've got nine months times 10 to get there. You're just like, oh man, I got to come and do this every day for nine months

and then I'll have the right to take my shirt off and walk around this summer. That's a lot of work, man. I don't know if I have time done. And then you get kind of in that middle zone where you're like, I want to be healthy, but there's a drive-through across the street. Yeah, no word of a lie.

There is a pizza joint right outside the window of my gym. Okay? It's a big neon pizza with neon pepperonies and neon peppers and neon mushrooms. I mean, I've never wanted to eat. neon but I'm willing to be a glass eater for that oh it's so painful but you got to do it people you got to tear those muscles rip it up and look good man it feels good when that opportunity finally comes once a year where you got to somehow take your top off in front of a crowd you're at a hockey game you're playing hockey and you got to take your shirt off and

getting your outfit or you're invited to someone's house for a swim. You're like, you know what? I actually look good. That's the payoff, man. Ah, screw it. I'm going to the drive-thru. What the hell am I talking about? Happy cheeseburgers, everybody.

Happy New Year. Happy drive-thru in the United States of America here on the Harlem Highway. Yeah, man, it is hard getting going in the new year. especially when for Christmas or for the holidays, your friends and family gave you chocolates as presents, right? They know your favorite chocolate, they know your favorite treat, they know your favorite, they bake you cookies, they make you Christmas bark, whatever that is.

You know, they made you a cake. They gave you a gift certificate for your certificate for Applebee's. all this food you know and it makes it tough man it makes it tough you go into the new year already with a whole bunch of boxes

of junk like all right it's the new year I'm going to the gym I gotta get into shape but there's that box a dairy milk chocolate it would be disrespectful not to eat them

it would be a blasphemy of my sister who gave them to me for the holidays, not to eat them. So out of respect for the birth of our Lord's Savior and my family, I have to eat the box of chocolates and then go to the gym. Oh, God. It is brutal. And I got this one type of chocolate, and my family knows I love it.

And it's a weird chocolate. There's a candy store up in. Canada called Laura Seacord and I think she was some kind of like nurse in the in the World War one or something there's some kind of history to Laura Seacord okay you might want to look it up on the on the on the Google if you're interested I don't know how interesting it is but it's this candy shop that exists in Canada and it's been around forever and they have this one particular chocolate called frosted mint, okay? And what it is is it's chocolate on the inside,

and the outside is chocolate, but they've dyed it green. So it looks minty, and it tastes minty. And I don't know what it is. It's a very light shade of green. It's very soothing, and it's very appealing. And so somehow this became my favorite chocolate, and it's a unique chocolate,

Everyone knows Harlan likes the green chocolate. Yeah, what is he? Shrek, don't care. Bring me the green chocolates, don't care. Hey, what's you talking about, man? Just shut your big-ass face and bring me the green chocolates, donkey. Worst impression ever. But anyways, so for Christmas, you know, my sisters, my family, they all think, oh, Harlan's the guy, what do we get them?

You know, it's one of those things. And so inevitably, I always end up getting these green chocolates, which I love, and it brings me to that wall where I'm like, God, do I just leave them on the plane? Do I hand them out to homeless people? Do I build a green spaceship? Yes, do that, Tonka. Or do I eat them all? And I end up eating them all, and it's just, it's a delightful way to die, okay? I know it's not healthy.

I know it's not right. But I just pop them in one after the other, and there they go. And I don't know if they're affecting my blood. My pee is not green, which I'm amazed. My skin color is not kind of turning green. You know, they say if you eat too many carrots, you start to turn orange. Well, I'm not turning green yet. Hey, I don't know about that, man.

Shut up, don't care. Um, so there you go. It's never easy, but nonetheless, uh, try, try and get there, try and get in shape. And, uh, I hope you have better luck than I do. Hey, everybody, welcome back to the Harland Highway. Yes, indeed. Did you know that they say that sleeping in on Saturday and Sunday can actually disturb your body, leaving you feeling fatigued at the start of the week. I'm sorry, man. I unplug my body clock Friday at 5 p.m.

I take my body clock off and I throw it over a cliff, man. I don't just sleep on Saturday. I hibernate, man. You can put a grizzly bear beside me and I'd just snuggle. I'd hibernate. Man, what kind of stuff? study is that, huh? So what are they suggesting we get up at the same time on the weekend? Well, I better get up at 6 a.m., you know, it's a Saturday. I don't want to throw the old body

clock off. And Sunday, yeah, I better get up at 6 and shower and shave and just go sit at my kitchen table. You know, maybe I'll put my suit on and go down and get in my car and drive to work and just stare at my building. And then once 9 o'clock, 9.30 rolls around. I'll realize everything's closed and my body clock will be okay. Okay. The weekend's

mine. Screw the body clock. Fill it up with booze. Fill it up with pizza. Fill it up with Halalind Williams. The only

catches, man, as you get older and you know I'm only 18 I mean we all know that right I'm not not an old guy I'm not getting older um as you get older at least I've found that uh it's harder to sleep in I always thought as you got older you'd your body would get older your mind would get older and you'd want to sleep more I thought oh man when you get old you must you know if someone doesn't wake you up you probably just sleep like rumple still getting you just hey anybody seen dad uh i think he went to bed about a week ago well someone want to wake him up no it's kind of nice with them not around um but what's happened to me is you know when i was uh in my

in my 20s my early 30s it's like i could sleep till 2 in the afternoon man i'm not even kidding i could sleep 14 15 hours it was crazy i'd sleep so much that when i was woke up it took about an hour for my head to clear i'd be like kind of like almost like coming out of uh anesthetics or something it's just like it's kind of in a fog and i felt a little brain numb and i'm kind of wobbling around walking out into traffic hitting walls trying to eat ice cream and putting the spoon to my forehead by mistake like i couldn't even find my mouth uh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh right and so i thought when i got older was just going to you know escalate i was going to sleep in more and more and now i find the older i get as each year goes by i wake up earlier and earlier

it almost sucks like i could have a day off or have nothing to do and i'm like oh man i'm going to stay up till uh you know two in the morning on friday night and then i'm sleeping until noon on Saturday. So I'll stay up till two. Seven o'clock in the morning rolls around. Boing. I'm up, man. Shut up, birds. It's just like, I can't figure it out. And it's not like it's a body clock thing, because, you know, I'm an entertainer. I'm a comedian. I could sleep in most mornings if I don't have a meeting, right? So it's not like I'm used to getting up for the nine o'clock grind and getting on the subway so it's just the aging process man and i don't know if this happens for other people that are you know getting older you know and i don't mean old like old age it just mean

older like as you get into your 30s your 40s you know even your late 20s does it change for you people i hope i'm not the only one getting burned here by the uh morning glory hallelujah clock time time time and speaking of time look at the time oh lordy we are out of time we are out of time for today's podcast it's like we all got burned right there um well there it is it's the first one of the year um once again folks happy new year looking forward to another fun hilarious crazy misguided disturbing year with you all my faithful listeners all the fans all the friends all the drivers down the harland highway welcome aboard we're going to have fun have a great one and for the first time this year chicken chau main baby have a really nice day today folks you deserve it