The Harland Highway - PODCAST 213

Episode Date: January 5, 2011

Queens and kings, football rules, bull riding, home security, cows in the snow, charities, wrong numbers. Big balls of bo-bo bingles. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Roxanne put on your podcast it okay no no just just wrong I don't have time for a song this today on today's party we got too much stuff okay we're covering a whole spectrum of topics today so I got to cut to the chase we're going to be talking about phoning people you ever phone the wrong number or get the wrong person phoning you and how it becomes a a match of wits we're going to be talking about cows stranded in snow that's important i'm going to be delving into charities uh you know i'm going to be talking about the authenticity and the sincerity of various charities are they real are they fake are we being manipulated um i'm going to get into home security have you ever been robbed we're going to be talking about that i'm getting into football

rules. There's one rule in football that I'm pissed at. And I got to get off my chest. We're going to be talking about bull riding, for God's sakes. Have you ever ridden a ball? And then we're going to be getting into the Queen of England. What the hell is she doing? Does anybody really need a queen in this day and age? I mean, good Lord. It seems a little outdated to me. I'll tell you one thing that's never outdated. Yeah, you're on it. It's right here. It is the legendary Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hi, I'm Chuckie.

Want to play? Please go away and leave me alone. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Man, keep it going. Love the show. You're hilarious. My blanket.

My blue blanket. Give me my blue blanket. Fasten your seat. You're riding down the Harlan Highway. It's the Harland Highway. Have you checked the children? Harlow Williams here on the Harlan Highway, and how about all this snow, man?

Isn't it sad? A bunch of livestock got stranded in the snow? Can you imagine that being a herd of cows and suddenly you turn into the Dalmer party? You're like those people that first crossed the planes and got caught in the snow and had to eat each other to stay alive? Oh, you're just sitting there and you're like,

I'm starving. Wait a minute. Ed's 100% pure beef. He'd make a great hamburger. How about Kobe over there, huh? How about little Kobe beef? I can use a nice tea bone. Imagine that grisly scene you show up

and a bunch of cows have eaten each other to stay live? Man, that's got a suck that they depend on us for their food, man. What are they doing, getting helicopters and dropping bails a haydown? Look at the magic food coming from the sky. Now you know, those Afghans fell. Remember after the war? The military was going over and dropping those yellow packets with twinkies and freeze-dried beans.

and things like that. These cows must think they're in some kind of war-torn Afghanistan. Yeah, here comes the care packages. I hope it's lamb chops. Never did like the lambs. I hope someone flies over my house and drops me down to McDonald's number one with a Coke, large fries, and a juicy Big Mac. Yeah, I'll go out on my front lawn.

and put baking powder all around me and pretend I'm stranded in snow just wave a McDonald's flag maybe the hamburgler will come and rescue me hope you're safe people eat well watch out for snow drifts here

on the Harlan Highway all right so how many of you have a home security device yeah I'm going raid from cows into home security how many of you have a cow as a home security device you know an attack cow um but here's what i'm getting at how many you pay for a monthly service like brings or

a dt or whatever okay how many of you have the alarm installed with the motion sensor and the hidden cameras and the uh little uh sensors on your doors and windows so if they get jostled, an alarm goes off and a phone automatically dials your great-grandmother because she's going to come over and kick some ass, right? Or how many you do like I do, and when you leave the house to deter thieves, you leave the bathroom light on? Huh? Or maybe you leave the light on in the den or the upper bedroom.

because you know anyone approaching the house will be oh that looks like a good place to rob i'm going to get me some lute in that joint and they're creeping up your front lawn or your back lawn and like oh yeah this'll be a cake walk like what wait what's that oh my god oh damn it god damn it the lights on in the bathroom oh okay let's go to the next house up in the bedroom forget it you know i don't know if the pros really uh you know kind of see a light on as a deterrent okay i don't know we all do it though don't we we all turn the light on thinking it'll keep the baddies away as if bad people are vampires and it's like well you know they're they're blood suckers so they can't come into the house if there's light Um, and then even worse, how many you have installed those motion sensor lights outside, right?

Outside your garage or your front door or your side door. So if someone comes a creeping and a crawling, a light goes on. And I'm like, wait a minute. If I'm a thief, right, and I'm approaching a house and I know there's no one home, there's no one around. and I sneak up to the back door to Jimmy the lock or I sneak to the front door to, you know, kick it in. And all of a sudden a light goes on. Isn't that just really assisting me in my job?

It's like, oh, man, I'm trying to pick this lock, but it's so dark out. I can't see a damn thing. Oh, wait a minute. Oh, thank you. Thank you. There's a floodlight for me. Now I can see perfectly clear,

and you're in the house in three. seconds. So I don't know. I don't know if having a light on is the best idea. The next time you have a light bulb over your head for an idea, and that idea is a light, maybe unscrew your idea and tone down the light bulb or put a dimmer switch on your brain, whatever you have to do. And let's hope you're not broken into. I got to talk to you cowboys. Y'all got to talk to you cowboys about something, boys. All right, the bull riding, man.

What is with you and the bull riding? I don't get it, man. You're a healthy young man. You jump on the back, a five-ton chunk of muscle with horns, and you tie a tight little rope around as you know what's healthy. his squirrel food and you hold on for holy hell and this thing's trying to kill you wants to stomp your head into the ground who wants to put a horn up your butt and you got to stay off for eight seconds no seatbelts no airbag nothing you know what's protecting you some goofy guy

who couldn't get a job doing anything else so we put on a pair of oversized pants and some clown paint your life insurance is a clown a rodeo clown oh hey look over here hong kong squeak weak oh god ah oh you funny bull look at me what the hell is that man you're gonna get on the back of this beast and put your life in the hands of a clown that's like what other dangerous sport is it's like a hockey player, a boxer. Imagine a boxer. Imagine if Muhammad Ali was trained by Bozo the

clown? The first you duck and weave, then you punch, punch, punch, and then you squirt them in the face with your fake plastic flower. Fong. Fong, bong, bong. I don't know, man. More power to you, you bull riders. I think it's a bunch of bull. You know what? myself, but Godspeed. Forget about wearing a helmet on your head, man. Put a lead plate over your butt because you're about to get horn here on the Harland Highway. All right, so here we are at the peak of football season, right? We're just, you know, a little ways away from the Super Bowl. And I've got a beef. I don't know how many of you listeners are into the sport of football, the NFL, but here's what I can't stand, okay?

They got this rule where in order to get a touchdown or a touchback or a safety or anything like that, you just have to break the plane of the end zone. So here's what I'm talking about. There's white lines that run all the way across the football field. And at the end zone, before you get to the uprights, there's a lot of, you're a lot of There's a white line that signals the end of the playing field, okay? And the rule is that if the ball crosses that white line, it's a touchdown or a touchback or a safety or whatever.

I can't stand that rule. That just to me is Wussieville, man. You ever seen these guys? They're down at the end of the field. Their quarterback puts up a long ball. spirals through the air These guys catch it They're breaking down the field running

There's a guy on their tail They're not going to make it So they kind of run out the side Before they cross into the end zone And they just stick their arm out Around that orange cone Right? They stick their hand in About a foot and that's a touchdown

What a bunch of crap I mean What is this a game for girls for pussies. I mean, they should have the game the other way around where your whole body has to cross the GD end zone line. Okay? To make it more of a challenge,

to make it more of a confirmation that the player had the physical prowess to get across the plane, to penetrate the defense, to muscle his way through, I mean, it just drives me nuts watching these guys. They fall over backwards. You know, they're in a cluster.

They're in a jam. And everyone's like pushing and shoving, and the guy with the ball falls over backwards. Like, oh, well, the ball was over the line. I guess we have to give him the sixth point. There's some guys falling and in the middle of falling. He just reaches out and his hand goes over. What kind of game is that

Where your hand can go over the line And it's six points I'm telling you, man Show a little macho, show a little toughness Grow up Make it make the game harder for yourself Not easier You're a 380 pound human machine

Full of muscle You're like a raging bull And you're worried about getting over the end zone line well i don't want to push too hard but if it just kind of push my little hand over the line with the ball in it i guess that'll count oh come on man i just hate seeing it you know they have that rule where if a guy catches the ball both his feet have to land in bounds if he's running down the sideline. If one foot is out or even the tip of his toe is on the sideline, it doesn't count. He's disqualified. It is not considered a catch. So why is it with the end zone? You just have to have the

little tip of the ball over the end zone. Let's change the rule. It's man up, you wussies. And have it that you have to power your ass through and get into the end zone with some conviction. and get over that white line. You ever watch the Olympics boys, huh? You ever see the guys whaling down the track? The sprinters, the hurdlers, the marathon runners. Guess what? They don't get a medal until they cross the white line.

Yeah, their whole body has to be over that line. Okay? So I'm sure you've seen marathoners where they can barely make it. You know, they run a hundred-mile marathon, and some of them are walking like crabs and pigeons, and their muscles have given out, and some of them are pooing their pants, and some of them land on the ground. And they're athletes, man. What do they do?

They drag themselves over that white line. They don't put one hand over. They don't fall over. They don't put their little toesy over. they drag their cramped, atrophied, self-defecated, crumpled bodies that have fallen on the pavement right over that whole line, and then, and only then, do they claim victory? Then and only then do they consider the job done, completed, finished, victorious. then and only then

do they accept the reward then and only then do they call themselves hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes you always want to have better sex that's what you want it to be better

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and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. An athlete. So take a clue, football players, change the rule, and let's see those big boys make their way over the finish line. Thank you. All hail the queen.

All hail the queen. Hello, I'm the queen Elizabeth, and I order you to stick your face in a ceiling fan and shove your buttocks in an air can't. addition to grill. Hello. What's going on with England? They still got a queen, man.

You know, that's queens? Bees have queens. Yeah, the queen runs around and lays eggs and makes honey. What does the Queen of England do, man? Wander's around into Rose Garden, sipping lovely teas and dipping crumpets

and waving to the people. Hello! Hello! I just made it. $7 million waving my bony fingers at you and here's the middle finger

for another $2 million I mean what does she do she doesn't have any say in government man there's no more beheadings I mean if you're gonna you gotta be the queen that's the only real fun part

that man passed gas at me off with his head off with his head, hello! Or you can just like ride into town and take the hottest... Well, I guess in that case you'd take the hottest man, but if you're the king, you can just roll into town.

I'll take you, you, you, you and you... No, not you, fatty. But you, you, you, you, all of you, come to my royal hot tub and smother we with aloeuvre. Well, hello. Hello! Oops, cancel that.

Here comes the queen, the bony-assed freak. Hello, what did you say? Nothing, smunchkin, nothing at all your royal loveliness. Oh, hello. I don't know, man. Then we got Prince Charles. Can you imagine if we had a queen in the United States? Ladies and gentlemen, Queen Christine Anguilera.

Hello, I don't even know what three. Plus three equals, because I'm a stupid pop star. I'm a bratty little bleach blonde-haired dumbass who wears a midriff and cut off jeans and sing stupid songs. Off with her hand! Yes, off with her hand. Yeah! Oh well, who needs a queen when you're the king of the road here on the Harland Highway? Hello!

Okay, I got another beef. I know today's show I'm having a lot of beefs. I'm whining about football and I'm whining about this and I'm whining about that. But hey, you know what? Let me get this stuff off my chest, will you? Here's my new beef and some of you might disagree with it strongly. That's okay.

You can if you want to, but I'm throwing it out there because I think we're being manipulated. And here's how, okay? Now, all of us are human beings. We're all, as far as I know, compassionate, caring, charitable, loving. Even if we're miserable people, I think at our core,

we look out for our fellow human beings, the other creatures that are living on the planet. And here's where I'm starting to get a little pissed off and feel like we're being manipulated. You've all watched TV, and there was a time, you know, years ago where, you know, every now and then you'd see these TV commercials where they'd show the starving kids, the Biafran kids, right? You know, that horrible imagery of the kids that are bone thin and their ribs are sticking out and their heads are bigger than their bodies and their arms are as thick as twigs and there's flies crawling around on their snobes. and crusted noses and there's flies lapping the moisture from the tear ducks in the corner of their eyes and there's stains and they got no clothes horrible right and millions and millions of charitable

open-hearted Americans and other people around the world open their pocketbooks and their wallets and their hearts and they they send money and help and donations and I know I have and I'm sure many of you have because it's awful to see it's awful imagery and it's an awful reality but now it's almost like the people behind this stuff have stepped up the game and it i hate to say it but it makes me feel suspicious about what their motives are whether their motives are money driven or their motives are that they genuinely care for the stuff they are advertising and let me give you an example because you've all seen it okay now they got these commercials where it's not about the kids with the flies on their eyes and the swollen

tummies now they've gone out and rounded up all the kids in africa and south america and everywhere else that have like a cleft lip and when i say cleft lip i'm not talking matthew perry cleft lip okay i'm talking like a cleft lip so it looks like these guys your upper lip is up over their eyebrow or it looks like their face has been split in half by an electric log cracker or something i mean i don't mean to laugh but these kids look horrific like you know if you're just flip channel flipping you think you're accidentally on that movie hellraiser or something i mean here's these poor kids with their big doughy eyes and they found the kids with the snarled lips and their teeth are hanging out and

They're just disfigured. They look horrible. And it's startling to see. It's graphic and it's heart-wrenching, and you just feel horrible for them. But, you know, I almost have a sneaky feeling that the people behind these campaigns went out looking for these kids. And they're like, let's get these grizzled individuals, these kids, and let's start a whole cleft lip campaign.

And it's just, I don't know. I don't know that I feel it's sincere. You may disagree with me, but I have a feeling they're trying to tug at our heartstrings and, you know, a cleft lip does not equal starvation. A cleft lip does not equal a life of not being able to accomplish things or a cleft lip does not lead to death by malnutrition. Yes, it's disfiguring. It probably puts the kids behind the ape ball, you know, but I don't know.

I just feel like they went out fishing for some kind of deformity to get us to cough up money. And here's where you might get pissed at me, okay? But I'm going to be honest. It's so startling, it's so graphic that when I come across these images, I don't have time to feel sympathy because I feel a little queasy. and I turn the channel. I don't want to look at a kid with a split lip, with a, you know, nostrils where his mouth should be.

Okay, like many of you, I'm sitting on the couch eating a pizza or a bowl of cereal, and all of a sudden, here's this kid with no mouth. And I just feel horrible. And I go, wait a minute, this isn't about me spending money and reaching out to the cleft lip kids, because there's hundreds of millions of cleft-lipped kids right here in North America. I think somebody's out to try and pinch some money out of me, but the imagery is so grotesque that I can't even watch it.

And let me switch channels to another thing that they do. How about the new Humane Society commercials and all those commercials with the beat-up animals? Sarah McLaughlin sitting at a piano singing while a one-eyed cat, and a three-legged dog or crying in a close-up. Or there's a pit bull with meat hanging off his cheek and a, you know, a cat that looks like it's been through a blender or a dog with, you know, rotted, matted fur that's so crunchy,

it looks like tree bark, right? And it looks like if it doesn't get chemotherapy in the next 30 minutes, it's going to die. I mean, do we need to see all this? graphic imagery to be moved to be uh to make us jump into action if nothing else i think it startles us and and i for one i won't watch it i won't watch the commercial with the the mangled cat and the uh the puppy with a brick on his head and sarah mclaughlin you know playing a grand piano as a as a pony is dragged out of a manure farm

I can't sit there and watch the kid with the cleft lip. And so where I'm going with this, folks, and I know you're probably going, what a bastard, what a grumpy old bastard. How dare it. No, that's not what it's about. I think that we're being manipulated. That's what I think. I'm looking out for you people.

And, of course, I believe in helping endangered animals, battered animals, abused animals, children with deformities, children that are sick, people that are starving. I send to charities. I give to charities. And what I'm saying is I don't think we need to be guilted, and I don't think we need to be freak-showed and grotesque, if that's even a word, grotested into making a donation. This imagery is a trick of the mind.

and I think they can tone it down. I think there's a subtler way to ask for us to be compassionate and to help. And I'm not suggesting any of you cut off your charitable donations or giving to people less fortunate than yourself. I would never suggest that. In fact, I'll go the opposite route and say, give all you can, do what you can, do what your heart and your conscience tells you to do. But to the people that make these commercials that seem to be getting more and more provocative and more and more graphic and, I dare say, more and more manipulative, just watch it, okay?

Because us people that are givers and us people that get it, we're not stupid, okay? Don't insult us by overdoing it. Give us credit that we know there's people. suffering in the world, that there's animals suffering in the world, and just know that millions of us give and share. But don't try to trick us. Don't try to overdo it. Don't try to overgross us out. Because at that point, you know, we just feel like we're being duped. And we start to wonder, gee, is the money going to these kids with the lip on the side of their face and the dog with no and a pickax sticking out of his spine? Or is this money really going to the guys running the charity?

I'd like to see what kind of car they're driving and what kind of house they're living in. So, you know, watch it and walk that fine line, okay? And you may agree or disagree with me, but that's my point of view. That's what I'm feeling as these commercials continue to get a little more outright. Two outrageous for my blood.

Maybe you like watching the movie of the week or a football game or your reality show or the news. And all of a sudden they cut away from someone winning a new kitchen on The Price is Right To a kid with no lips trying to eat a piece of bread, right? Or maybe you're watching Wheel of Fortune And everyone's jumping down because they can spell and all of a sudden you cut to a cat, you know,

trying to pull a cactus off its face. So there you go. That's my beef about that. God. I hope you understand. You may agree or disagree. You can always write me at harlanwiliams.com. Let me know your point of view.

I could be way off course here. You know, I could be 100% wrong with all these perceptions that I have, but I don't know. I just have a funny feeling that they're using the media to manipulate us a little more than we need to be. You let me know what you think. You can write me at harlandwilliams.com, and we can read your email on a future podcast. Hey, you are rolling down the Harlan Highway with me, Harlan Williams. How's your phone etiquette, people?

you ever phone anybody by mistake you dialed the wrong number you're like uh hey is jim there oh no there's no jim here no are you sure of course i'm sure come on is jim there look i'm an old lady i live all by myself what the hell do i need to tell you you son of a click you know what i mean you get through and you don't believe the person on the other line like as if They've taken Jim hostage. You've added people phone you. Hey, is David there? No, you got the wrong number, man.

What, so no, David? Oh, no, wait a minute. Wait a minute. You know what? Let me double check since you asked so kindly. Let me... David! David?

Yeah, what do you want, man? Oh, so you are here, David. Yeah, man, I'm waiting for a call. And he come in? Actually, yeah, there's a guy right here. here. Wow, lucky I checked. Uh, here you go. Hey, man, what's up? Hey, man, what are you doing over at that guy's house? I don't know. I just somehow ended up here. I guess I figured you'd call. Get your ass home, you dirty pig. You got to do the dishes.

Oh, okay. Sorry, man. Click. I mean, what do people think? When you tell them no, it's obviously not the right place, but they stay on the line. Come on, man. Get me David. He's not here. The only people here are the people here are the people. listening to the Harland Highway right now. I don't want to talk to them. Why not, man? I don't know. I just, I got a bad vibe. Oh, no, they're cool people, man.

Yeah, that's what you say, you nerd. Leave me alone, you freak, girl, call the police. Click. Hey, hello, what? You called me, buddy. Wow. Get your phone etiquette, get straight, people. Stop crossing the lines.

Just keep on driving straight, straight down, the Harlan Highway. And speaking of the Harland, minus the highway, just me, Harland, I want to announce to you, folks, my first live stand-up gig of the year. That is coming up January 14th and 15th in Denver, Colorado at the Comedy Works. Please go to Harlan Williams.com, and you can look on my stand-up schedule and get all the information tickets, showtimes, phone numbers, parking, Brussels sprouts, whatever you need. Come on out to see me do live stand-up in Denver on January 14th and 15th. That's a Friday and Saturday night. It's going to be a great time.

First show of 2011, a lot of energy, a lot of fun, and look forward to seeing you all there. Don't forget, you can download the Harland Highway. dot com so you can have the highway on your cell phone and remember to let your friends know about the harland highway share the laughter with them and once again happy new year everybody i hope you have a great one and uh until our next podcast chicken chalman baby hey man what are you doing over at that guy's house Thank you.