The Harland Highway - PODCAST 214

Episode Date: January 7, 2011

Voice mail, pregnant men, comedian Sean Tweedley, airport pat down, hair and baldness, Dr. Ascot. Aluminum monkey warts!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, welcome everybody to the Harland Highway. What a show, what a show, what a show. And I'm going to throw in a bonus one here. What a show. Today's an interesting show. We're going to be talking about pregnant men. What? We're going to be going over the whole security at the airport routine.

The pros and the cons. I actually discovered there's a benefit to the whole pat-down an X-ray thing they've implemented now. We're going to be discussing hair, going bald, that type of thing. We're going to have a guest drop by today. Very funny comedian. Sean Tweedley is dropping in to shoot the breeze and bring the funny. And we're going to be getting to some voicemail.

A very poignant voicemail came through that was very touching and very moving and was kind of captured the whole reason why the Harland Highway is in existence and why I do this thing. Me and the whole staff and all the crew here, wink, wink, nudge, nudge, nod. So a hell of a show today, and oh yeah, Dr. Ascot. I didn't want to mention him, but I had to because he's part of this thing we call. The Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway

Hi, I'm Jackie want to play Please go away and leave me alone You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway Keep it going Love the show You're hilarious My black and my blue blanket

You're riding down The Harlan Highway It's the Harland Highway. Have you checked the children. Hey, hey, hey, everybody. This is Harland Williams here on the Harlan Highway, and I have a special treat today, my friends. I have a very, very, very funny stand-up comedian.

You might have seen this guy on television somewhere. You might have seen him at one of the many comedy comedy, clubs across the country. Sean Tweedley is with us here today. How you doing, buddy? Good man. Thanks for having me. Oh, what a tree. You're looking good. Thank you. Have you been like tanning? Tanning, working out, eating right. What do you eat? I just eat a lot of vegetables and bread and I drink a lot of milk. So you're like into food groups and stuff? I like dairy. I like the meat stuff. Vegetables like I was saying before. You ever just like driving home and like stop your car and run into a field and, like, suck on a cow.

That's fun, and that takes care of dairy. Then I'll slice it up and cook it, and that takes care of the meat. And then... And what about the vet? I guess there's some lettuce or cabbage nearby. On your way out, you grab a head of lettuce. Because you're, like, a farming community, obviously, right? I'm always in one.

Oh, you're like an Amish city dweller. It's so weird. I'll be, like, trying to get to Starbucks or shopping or something, and bang. And suddenly I'm in the middle of a... farm. Wow. And I don't know why. It's like your car is like a time machine or something. Like a corn magnet. Well, you look, you look great. You look young. And it was your birthday, right? Recently? It just was my birthday. I won't ask how old, but I always like to ask, did you get anything cool for your birthday from anybody? Yeah, I did. I got the new video iPod.

Oh my God. What are those called? I think just that. I think just the video I Video iPod. Yeah, maybe iPod video. So if you turn it around, yeah, okay. But, yeah, it's pretty cool. I mean, I don't, do you have one? I don't have one. No.

Yeah, you got to, everybody's going to get one. Why do I need one of these things? Dude, you just, you haven't lived, really, until you see, like, King Kong on a one and a half by one and a half inch screen. I mean, it's just, that's actually still too big for me. So I set mine on widescreen, and then it's just like a little half inch slit right across the center, you know, and then I just fry up a couple of kernels of popcorn, slip

into the broom closet, you know? It's like you're there. Wait a minute. You fry your popcorn? Is that what you said? When I'm only doing two or three kernels, I fry it. Wow. Now, is that, that sounds like the type of small screen event. Do you bring a couple of midgets into the closet with you? There's always two

midgets in my closet, whether I watch a movie or not. They're just there. Theater of the Small. Yeah. Well, happy birthday, buddy. Thanks for coming on the Harland highway. Will you come back and see us again? I will, man. I'll be on the highway, ready to jump in with you any time. Oh, I like that. Well, this is Sean Tweedley you've been listening to here on the Harland Highway. Check them out on MySpace. Sean Tweedley, T-W-E-E-D-L-E-Y. Sean Tweedley, hilarious.

Look for his stand-up comedy schedule, and we'll have them back here real soon on the Harland Highway. Thanks for coming in, buddy. Thank you. See you, guys. Okay, see you with your midgets. Hi, Lynn Williams. Oh, yes, Sean Tweedley. Look for them on the internet, Facebook, MySpace, YouTube. Check out where Sean is playing. And I promise you you'll have some very good laughs.

And I want to get to some new business here. You know, I always ask you people to find. phone in and leave me your messages and blah, blah, blah, and I've had this kind of phone answering machine that was hooked up to this internet service, and when people phone, there's kind of this preamble where the service I was using would give you a little bit of a pitch and try to get you to join their service and blah, blah, and I didn't like it. It was impersonal. It didn't really connect, and it put kind of a 45.

second buffer between you know me and you and leaving my message so we have a brand new phone number where if you call it you will go straight through to the voicemail you'll hear a little uh little greeting from yours truly and then you can just lay down your message no more sitting through any BS so here it is here's the new harland highway hotline number it's one 888 500 2090. That one's a lot easier to remember than the other one. So 888, 52090. If you can't remember that, you should probably order a pizza and grind it around on your Zit covered face. And speaking of people phoning in, I want to get to a call that somebody left. And you know what? I love this call because this call is kind of I don't know it's kind of an emotional call it's a bit of a sad call but it's a bit of a

happy call I won't tell you much more but it's kind of the whole reason I do this podcast um as I told you I don't get paid to do this podcast I don't have any sponsors there's no there's no money exchanged this is all a labor of love it's all a just kind of me reaching out to the world and saying, hey, let me do my best to try and make you laugh or have a joyful day. That's why I do it. And check out this phone call and in a way this kind of encapsulates what the Harland Highway is all about. Have a listen. Hey, Harland.

You seem like a guy who's got a pretty good. big heart for someone in Hollywood. I had a pretty rough time the last 10 years or so after becoming also a husband and a father in that I've had to hold down two full-time jobs and it's gotten pretty rough and dark time went on, but the little iPod has been in my saving grace in the evenings.

And even being a musician, you get kind of bored listening to music, and that's when I discovered podcasts. And several months ago, discovered yours after being a fan of your work over the years. And I have to say that you've really rescued me from some very dark places on nights, It's, you know, times when things weren't going well and times when it's been very frustrating to not have the time where the energy left at the end of an 18-hour day to do anything creative. Just listening to you and things you do are very inspiring and entertaining and you really made a difference in my life on a lot. daily basis in a very real and profound way and I just wanted to thank you for that. Absurdity does not get enough credit in this world, and we live in an absurd place,

and you're someone who understands that, and also someone who understands the value of spending time out in nature, which I respect a lot too. Thank you very much for all you do and keep on doing it. Tofu chicken chown man, baby. Wow. And there it is. That is why we do the Harland Highway. I hope this catches you smiling and laughing and feeling good about life. And let's just keep on rolling, baby. Hey, this is Harlan Williams, and you're riding down the Harland Highway.

There's one thing us men will never be, no matter how hard we try. The ladies will always have this over us. Guys, sit down, hold on to something. I'm about to break the news here. We can never be pregnant. Oh, man. Would we want to be pregnant? Would it be fun to pop?

out a baby? Wouldn't it be fun to carry around another human being inside? Bouncing around in embryonic fluid and kicking and screaming? Oh my God, I don't think dudes could handle it, man. Getting away of their beard drinking and their lovemaking. And it guess it would be a good place to rest the bowl of chips when you're watching football all afternoon on Sunday, right? Maybe even rest your Steiner. a beer on your belly.

Could you picture pregnant guys walking around? Hey, Jim, come here. Come here. Put your head against my belly, man. Yeah, you can feel a kicking? Yeah. Rub it. No, just rub my tummy.

Just put your hand there. Come on, Jim. What, Jim, where are you going? Jim, I got twins here, man. I want you to put your hand on my belly. It's the miracle of life, dude. What's up? Why are you running out of the strip joint?

Dude, what's wrong with you? dudes getting all pissed off because their belly stuck out they couldn't slide behind the wheel of their sports car oh man i gotta drive the truck today man i'm nine months i'm due next week man i gotta drive the truck i can't get behind the wheel of the beamer today man damn babies are rubbing up against the steering wheel guys would use it too man right guys would use it to get out of work and stuff Yeah, boss, I can't come into work today. Why not? I'm preggers, man.

You're what? I'm preggers. What are you talking about, Jones? Yeah, I got the morning sickness, so I've got to go over to Baskin-Robbins and get a bucket of a mint chocolate chip. You get your ass in here, you're fired. Okay, but I want baby leave, man. What are you talking about? You want me to pick you up some quarterback crunch at the Baskin-Robbins?

And do you mind if I breastfeed in the coffee lounge? Is that cool, man? Because if you don't let me, there's going to be some kind of motherhood and fatherhood violation thing going on. I'll tell you what, you just stay home today, Jones. In fact, stay home for the next nine months. I thought you'd see it my way, boss. By the way, thanks for the breast pump you sent over. That was really nice.

Guys having babies. Let's hope not, man. Guys, do me a favor. Just stay on the Harland Highway. Stay out of the back seat. Don't go get yourself preggers. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex?

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Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Okay, wait a minute. I might have to take back the men not getting pregnant thing here's what happened i was i was on a flight i was uh flying to a gig to do a show i'm going through the airport and i got stuck in one of those new uh you know the pat down thing and the uh full body scan thing at the airport security right oh and what sucks is they do both of them okay so uh you know i take my shoes off my belt my jacket all that stuff stuff i put it in the tray i go through the uh full body scan thing the x-ray thing thinking okay whatever guess what i get to the other side the security guy hands me a cigar and i'm like what the hell is this he goes congratulations you're gonna have twins and i'm like what and i guess uh when

i did the body scan it showed up i got twins inside me which mystified me because you know i had my tubes tied when I was 18, and I've never had sex with a man, so I don't know. But thank God for the miracle of the body scan at the airport. I'm going to name my kid's luggage and handbag, you know, just as kind of a tribute to, you know, show my respect for the airport security. So if that wasn't traumatic enough, I go through security and I get past the body scan, find out about my twins and the guy on the other

side says sir I'm going to have to pat you down if you could stand here and just to let you know my hand the back of my hands will be touching your buttocks and I'm like do you know I'm pregnant dude you're really you're going to do this

you're going to put your greasy greasy security guard hands all over a pregnant man's body is that what this has come to Oh, yes, sir, I am. Okay. And then this guy starts feeling me up.

Oh, it's humiliating. But the good news is with these body search things, where they pat you down, and they're very physical, and they touch your breasts and your crotch and your groin and your butt. I didn't know this. I just tried it, and, of course, it worked for 20 bucks. a happy ending. Can you believe it? So here's me saying thank you to the airport security. A, I found out I have twins, okay? And B, you know, before I get on a long, stressful six-hour flight

across the country, the pat-me-down security guard for an extra 20 gave me a happy ending. So you know what? It's just how you look at things in life. And maybe this whole extreme security thing isn't such a bad deal now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go get my breast pump and start making some beverages

hello this is for the guys man I found the fountain of youth yeah I know it sounds fantastical I'm not stuck in Narnia or Lord of the Ringsland I found the fountain of youth

it costs like six dollars and this isn't like a commercial but i'm telling you for you guys that are like in your 30s and up and you're noticing some gray some gray in your hair i hate to admit this but i did it go and buy yourself a box of just for men you know that hair coloring stuff i know the commercials look really sad and desperate And it's hard to admit you're getting a little gray. But I'm telling you, man, this stuff, you put it on your hair. It's like shampoo. It takes, you put it in your hair, you shampoo it in.

It sits there for five minutes. You just walk around and vacuum or knit or whatever it is you do. And then you jump in the shower and wash it out. And you look in the mirror and you're 30 years. younger. I don't know how it works. Your hair's not gray anymore. It's nice and whatever color you want. You can buy it in red or blonde or brown or light brown. It's crazy. It's the fountain of youth, man. Wow. Look at me. And then you go out and people are like, did you lose some weight, dude? Have you been working out? Have you been tanning? Have you been

people can't figure it out? Your gray's gone. And, uh, you know, you? You know, you've been, you You know, and I'm just talking about the hair on your head. Wait until they get a look at your package. Hello! There's no gray down there. Oh, man. So, guys, a little hint from media, this is not a commercial or an endorsement of this product by me.

I'm just telling you. I tried it, man. I can't believe I'm admitting it. See what I do for you, fellas? You see how I'm your sacrificial. pig or your sacrificial lamb or whatever you want to call me i've been called a pig before and a lamb and a little angel i'm your sacrificial little angel the fountain of youth is not in some far distant land it's over at your local drug store in the men's hair care product aisle just for men boys

go get it on and then go get it on how God. Oh, my God. Yeah. Why would I admit that to you, folks? Well, you know what? Who cares? I'm just human. I'm one of these guys. You know, I went in to the doctor like about a month ago, right? And, you know, I go in once a year and I kind of get my skin examined. I get this doctor who looks at my skin to make sure there's no, like, moles or growths or skin cancer or, or, you know, melanoma or botulism or whatever right and um and so i'm sitting there and i've always had on the back of my head right in the center of my head i don't have a bald patch but i've always had like my hair is a little thinner there right but i actually have quite a thick crop of hair on my head for a guy at my age i have no signs of balding or anything like that but i have this little patch that's always been thin since even when i was a teenager And the lady check in my skin.

I'm sitting on her on the chair, and she's standing up, you know, looking down at my shoulders. I have my shirt off. Hello. And all of a sudden she goes, oh, you know, we can get you some propitia. I'm like, wait, wait, what? Do I have a melanoma? Is there a, what the hell is propitia?

Yeah, we can take care of that. And I'm like, what? Take care of what? What if I, am I dying? That little bald area on the top of your. head. I'm like, what bald area? She goes, well, it's not bald, but it's thinning out. And I said, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. You're here to look at my skin. Tell me if I've got like ringworm or something.

What are you going into my hair or my scalp for? She goes, well, I have another doctor that I work with and we can get you a prescription for propitia or whatever the hell it's called. Sounds like a, like a distant island in the Philippines. come to propitia enjoy a pinacalada on propitia and I said to her straight up

I said you know what no no I don't want that I said I don't care I said I'm getting old everyone gets old I don't have the desire to cover up and hide my oldness if I'm going bald I'm going bald I'm going to go bald I don't care I'm still me

you know because I lose some hair It doesn't mean I lose my personality. It doesn't mean I lose my essence or my soul. Well, that being said, I can get it out. Some guys get insecure, and it's just about the physical stuff. And you're probably saying, well, then why don't you just let your hair go gray? Why do you got to use just for men if you're not worried about that stuff? Well, here's the answer.

Just for man, if I go a little gray, I can alter it, right? And it's not a big deal, and it's not a thing. And I'm not trying to, like, keep a flabby. piece of my body together that age is taking away from me. But going bald, it just seems like going bald is a tough fight. You know, none of this

growing back the hair stuff, as far as I'm concerned, is real. I don't think propitia or any of these other commercials are real that you can just miraculously grow hair. Are you kidding me? Have you ever seen those commercials?

Right? They show the before and after picture. Next time you you see one of those commercials freeze it pause your your digital TV and take a look at the before and after picture you'll notice that the before picture doesn't really look like a guy who's naturally going bald it looks like a guy who someone did a hack job on his head it looks like they purposefully buzzed them down and gave them this like weird bizarre and i hate to use the word but like a leukemia cut okay and i'm not I'm not trying to be funny. It looks like someone who's just come out of treatment. And they purposely went bad on this guy's head. And then they show the after picture where this guy's hair looks perfect, like he's never had a problem, like he's never been bald.

I'm not buying it. Okay? You give me a real actual bald guy that doesn't look like he's at his head tampered with. A real old bald guy from a senior. citizen home or a guy where you can watch through the succession of his life give me those pictures you know after high school at his first job on the fishing trip at his wedding at his you know give me a span of like 10 12 years where you can prove to me he was really bald and then show me the after picture don't show me a picture of a guy where it looks like the before and after

pictures were like you know three days apart and it really looks like the guy pretty much cut his real good hair off and made himself look like he's balding. But anyways, I'm getting away from that. But what I said to the girl, I said, look, I don't care. If I go bald, I go bald. I'm not one of these guys that needs to fight time. You know, I'm not going to get collagen. I'm not going to get liposuction.

I'm not going to get Botox. I'm not going to get hair plugs. You know, if I can take five minutes and put a little splash, little color on my temples to get rid of gray hair. Whoopi do. That's not a surgical procedure. That doesn't involve hundreds of thousands of dollars. That doesn't involve me trying to pull a Burt Reynolds.

Remember Burt Reynolds? The guy was like the stud of like the 70s and 80s. And then, you know, in his later years, he just looks like, he looks like a Hollywood housewife who's been spending, you know, years at the plastic surgery clinic. He was married to Lonnie Anderson once. I mean, Burr Reynolds should have aged gracefully and just turn into an old man. And instead, you know, at age 80, he looks prettier than Lonnie Anderson when she was 30.

What's wrong with that pitcher, Reynolds? So I'm never going to be one of those guys. It's like, cool, I'm going bald. Let's do the Bruce Willis. How can I become stylish and bald? I'm not going to get the hair plugs. I'm not going to fight nature. If I'm going bald, I'm going to go bald, and how can I make bald cool?

So there you go. That was what I said. That's where I stand. Okay? So if you ever see me bald, you know that I'm comfortable with it. And you know what? Maybe what I'll do is when I go bald and I have no hair, I'll just put them just for men.

dye on my head, and it will, like, dye my skin, and it will look like I have a really thin layer of flat hair. There you go. See? Oh, I'm an idiot. Um, okay, well, speaking of idiots, oh, it's Friday, and you know what that means? I got to do my on-air therapy session with Dr. Ascot. Oh, so here we go. Oh, Holland, I have to cancel today's session. What do you mean you have to cancel today's session? Good news, by the way. Holland.

Well, what do you mean you're canceling? I have to go for a colonoscopy, Holland. A colonoscopy? Yes, Holland, would you like to join me? No, I don't want to join you. What the hell's going on? My doctor says I have a polyp and assist. A polyp and assist.

Sounds like a new sitcom on NBC, doesn't it, Arland? Be talking about the poll up and the cyst this season on NBC. Stop it. Holland. Just, well, good. This is good news. I don't have to do a session. You're going to get your butt looked at.

Holland. Well, you better get going. Holland, maybe I'll cancel. No. Go and do it. Thank the Lord for your bumpy ass, Holland. Go, I've got stuff to do. Holland, we will do it next week.

Mark my words. Why don't I mark your bumpy ass, Holland? Okay, good luck, goodbye. I'll see you next week, Holland. Okay. Don't slam the door on your ass on the way out, Holland. Goodbye. there you go. It looks like I caught a break for once. Ascot's going to get a colonoscopy.

So I don't have to do my therapy this Friday. And what a relief. So maybe next week he'll be back. I just hope he doesn't bring me pictures. That's it. We are out of time for today. I hope you had a good time here on the Harlan Highway. Don't forget our brand new hotline. number. If you want to leave a message for the Harlan Highway, it's 1.888-52090. 888-520-90. We look forward to hearing from you. And until next time, everybody, chicken. Chowmaine, baby.