The Harland Highway - PODCAST 215

Episode Date: January 10, 2011

Pulp, American Idol freaks, book stores, driving distractions, Comedian Sean Tweedley, bad at math, timing. Eat my front lawn!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Take me home tonight. I just want to be your podcast to the morning light. Take me home tonight. No, take me home every night. Yeah, every night that we're on the air, which is Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, take me home. Listen to me and then kick me out with a cigarette in my mouth.

Welcome everybody to the Harland Highway. I am Harland Williams, purveyor of the highway. And what a show we have for you today? We're going to be talking about pulp. What? That's not a good topic? Pulp. That's not how I should start the show enticing you with pulp.

Hmm. A lot of silence after I say pulp. But we got other stuff. We're going to be talking about the opening of another season of American Idol. We're going to be talking about the fate of bookstores. Are they becoming a thing of the past? We're going to be talking about driving distractions.

How easily do you get distracted when you're driving? We've got a great comedian, Sean Tweedley, coming in to give us some merriment. We're going to be talking about timing in life. And are you good at math? All I know is that laughter plus laughter equals The Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway Hi, I'm Jackie want to play

Please go away and leave me alone You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway Man, keep it going Love the show, you're hilarious My Blanket! My blue blanket Give me my blue blanket Passin your seat, though

You're riding down the Harlan Highway It's the Harland Highway Have you checked the children Hey, you are on the Harlan Highway With me, Harlan Williams And how many of you out there are bad with the old math? I can't add, I can't subtract, I can't multiply, I can't divide, Don't even talk to me about fractions

Yeah, give me one-eighth of an inch on that two-by-four Uh-huh The old mathematics I mean, man I don't even know why they just don't call 7-Eleven stores 18 You know I don't know man you go look at real estate Yeah this is a 97,000 square foot apartment

With a 79 foot recessed ceiling And it's a 4,000 square foot bathroom I'm just like Okay Whatever I can see I guess is what you just said. And what I don't get about math is when it starts turning into letters. Okay, A times X equals Y. Huh? What? How did my alphabet suddenly turn into this? I mean, I don't spell my name with numbers. Johnny, please spell Apple. 875-9972. Very good, Johnny. I just, I just, I, you

I'm just horrible at it, man. It's embarrassing. Oh, well, divide your time wisely and multiply your laughter. Tuned in here to the Harlan Highway. All right. I want to talk about timing, okay? There's a lot of things in life. In fact, most things in life require timing.

You know, there's always that little variable. They say, like, oh, if I had left my house, just 30 seconds earlier, I wouldn't have gotten that car accident. Or if I hadn't blown through that yellow light, I never would have ran over that family, right? Well, here's a little one that bugs my ass. And yeah, this is me being crotchety and grumpy again. But I'm sure it's happened to you.

I don't know how many of you go to a gym. But, you know, you go to the gym and you do like a half hour, an hour on the treadmill or the bike, and you're just like, oh, God, I need water. You know, you've pretty much, you know, evaporated most of your bodily fluids. You walk off the treadmill. You look like a raisin, a dusty raisin. And you look down on the lower level, and you're like, oh, my God, there's the water fountain.

And you've been watching the water fountain, like half the time you've been on the treadmill and hardly anybody uses it. You know, most of the kids walk around with their own customized bottled waters and, you know, their reusable water containers, the green or the pink, or they've got their smoothies. And you're just, the whole time you're on the treadmill, you can see that water fountain. You're like two people have utilized it.

And you're like, nobody ever drinks the water fountain water anymore, right? and so you finally finish your treadmill and you're like oh i'm heading for that water and you head over to the water fountain and as you're walking towards it you notice someone else kind of walking towards you and in your head you're like they better not be walking to the water fountain and sure enough they're like a step ahead of you maybe a step and a half and just as you're walking up to the water fountain they step right in front of you and you're like, are you kidding me? No one's been at this water fountain all day.

I finally decide to come and get a drink. If I don't have water in my system within about 20 seconds, I'm going to collapse and explode into a pile of dust because I have no fluids left. And here comes, you know, some big hairy guy or some sweaty chick or who knows what, and they bend down and their sweaty palms are all over the water fountain. mountain button and they're just bent over their ass sticking out at you very suggestively they got

their tight spandex pants on and you're just like oh god and then you're kind of standing off at an angle and you can see their greasy lips slurping water like a camel out of an oasis in a desert and suddenly you're like oh god i don't even know if i want water anymore They're only there for about 40 seconds, but it feels like it's forever. You ever do that? You ever see a dog drink out of a bowl? And you think, oh, look at the cute dog. He's going to have a few laps.

And you think it'll be over, but the dog just keeps going and going and going and going until the water bowl is empty. And you're like, what that? What kind of dog is this? And that's what the person at the fountain does. They just keep drinking and you're like, hello, I'm dying. here i can't believe you're doing this right when i wanted to do it you beat me by a step nobody's been drinking all day i'm about to die there's some vultures sitting up on the bench press just watching me waiting me to crawl along the gym floor and expire oh and then what's worse is if you walk in and

you beat them by a step suddenly you're the one bent over drinking and all of a sudden you got someone standing behind you and you can just feel it they're doing the same thing you were doing you're feeling their vibe their energy they're giving you the evil eyes like oh god are you kidding me dude i was just about to grab a drink and now you beat me and hurry up hurry up and drink with your greasy sweaty lips ass oh so there you go the whole timing thing i guess it's you know it's not a life and death thing but it's the water fountain at the gym thing oh i better go out and buy my own customized pink pink gym water bottle it can't be any worse

with me, Harland Williams, here on the Harland Highway. Man, this is an exciting week. We have a very, very funny comedian with us. Mr. Sean Tweedley is gracing our highway. Welcome back, Sean. Hey, thank you. Hi, I again, everybody. So you've been working all over the U.S. for the last little while.

You've got some tours lined up for this year? Yeah, I've got a bunch of dates this year, all through the Midwest. Well, if people want to check, they can go to your MySpace site, right? Right? Yeah. MySpace. It's Sean Tweedley. That's T-W-E-E-D-L-E-Y. Find out where you're busting a move, dog. Yeah. Speaking of busting a move, I happen to know that you have a bit of a gambling bug you like to gamble. I love to gamble. How's that been going? You've been making any bucks? No. No. I find that I simply can't win at anything. Well, what have you been playing? Blackjack? I gave up on that kind of stuff. I've turned into just.

the bottom feeder degenerate. I go to the racetrack. Oh my God. What dog races or the horse races? How are you doing there? It's bad. I don't think of ever won a cent. I don't even know how people do win at the horse races. I'll tell you the truth. You know? Why? What's the trick? That's the thing. I thought you'd just bet on the horse, you know, pick a horse number and it wins. I'm convinced now the horses don't even care. They're in a race. You don't seem like, you know, and then experts, I'll ask people down there, you know, how are you winning? And guys will even tell me, you know, pick the best jockey. The jockey? Yeah, apparently the jockey. I didn't even know this till now. Did you know the jockeys considered to be the athlete in that duo? I didn't know that. Jockeys...

It sounds ridiculous. I know. Jockeys are athletes. You know, the horse whips around the track as fast as he can, right? And then right at the end of the race, these freaky little garden gnomes are jumping up and down, grabbing the trophy, thanking everybody, you know? It's insane. Yeah, they are little stubby guys. To me, they're just these little sod-off guys and neon tights along for the ride, you know? It's like, once you head back to the chocolate factory, you little oompa-loompa, you know. I love it. I went to a track, and there's a door, I swear to God, it says athlete's entrance only, restricted.

This is for the jockeys? Yeah, I saw a jockey come out with a towel around his neck, drinking like a bottle of blue gatorade, you know? Oh, God. Oh, like, who are you trying to kid with this crap? right? I mean, if it weren't for people's need to gamble, these guys would be climbing into a cannon at the circus. And you'd like to light the fuse.

Yes, I would. Man, you're angry about these guys. I'm not. But they're probably the reason I'm never winning. So, I mean, you know, they seem to, maybe they're just weighing the horse down. If he wasn't on, maybe my guy would be a little quicker. God!

You know? Little tiny midgets and drinking Gatorade. I know. I mean, you should see these guys in the the winner circle when they're being interviewed after the race. Yeah. It's funny, man. They're just standing there. The guy lowers the mic down, drops to a knee, you know?

And he's like, you know, the guy's like, tell us about that run. How did you, how did you come in first there? That was fantastic. The jockeys all. Yeah, thanks very much. We had a really good ride, you know. And right in the end, I just dug my tiny little itty-bitty baby feet into the horse's side. And he gave me that extra inch that I needed, you know.

And I want to thank God and my mother for smoking three packs of cigarettes a day. during pregnancy to give me the opportunity to do what I do? You know what they ought to do? I swear they ought to, like, just to balance it out. Yeah. They should do like a victory lap where the horse gets to ride the jockey around one time, you know?

I'd hate to see where that jockey ended up. In the hole of the cannon. Oh, man, well, good luck with your gambling, man. I hope it picks up for you. Thank you. Maybe you should start betting on something else. I should. Like to get the end of the world or something.

Yeah, that's got to be coming. When's that happening? I don't know. I'll bet you $10, it's $0.12. Right, $012. Yeah? You're going to take my bet? I'll take it.

But if the world ends, how are you going to collect? Well, if it ends before then, we'll call it like $5. $5.5. Okay. And then if it ends after the 12th, double, like $20. I'm getting screwed here, aren't I? A little bit. All right, folks.

Well, as you're trucking down the highway, stop off at your local comedy club. Look for a funny man, Sean Tweedley. Thanks for coming in, buddy. Thank you. Check them out on MySpace. You can find his schedule. Sean Tweedley here on the Harland Highway.

Will you shut that thing off? Who's an orange juice drinker here? Raise your hands. Okay, you, you, you, you, you, you've got a glass in your hand right now, except there's vodka in it. Hello. how about that pulp man who's into the pulp you ever go to the store they got orange juice where it's pulp free partially pulped and full-blown pulp who goes for that stuff the pulp doesn't feel like you're drinking sludge from a lumber yard or something chunks of something and they all get stuck in your teeth and it feels weird feels like you're eating fish eggs or something

Maybe if I was like a Baleen whale and I had those like filters in my mouth. You know the big whales, they gulped down the buckets of shrimp and they filter it all through those little fibers in their mouth. If I had one of those, I'd go for the pulp. I'd breach the surface and drink my bin at me. Oh, you got rid of the pulp and then just blow the pulp out your blowhole. Ouch. Hey, that should be a new saying. Ah, blow your pulp out your blowhole.

Get away. What do you want, buddy? Go blow your pulp out your blow hole. Oh, pulp. I mean, it's true, though, right? It's like drinking sawdust. It's like a big glass. of orange sawdust. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes? Yes. The answer is yes.

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so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And you ever go to one of those organic restaurants and they try to get all fancy and you've been up all night and you're parched and you've got that you're dehydrated because of all the alcohol

in your system and you've been dancing and you're really dried out and you and your buddies let's go to breakfast man and a little group get together and you hit the local hip diner but it's a little too trendy and they're like can we get you 17 to

drink and you're like oh bring me a large apple juice excellent and then they're a little too organic a little too hip and they bring the apple juice and it's not like a tall golden glass clear glass of apple juice it's one of those earthy places where some guy in the back which with a sledgehammer actually starts smashing the crap out of apples and they just like liquefy them and suddenly you get this glass it looks like dirty mud

and it's all pulpy and it's just like thick and gooey it's like gravy and you realize it's like organic apple juice it hasn't been filtered or anything and you're just like and it just

it tastes like you're drinking a smashed apple and it's like oh god and then you know what Bring me a Coke. Trying to be healthy, but you're trying to make me too healthy. You know, bring me a Coke. This glass of apple juice, it's like someone bit into an apple, chewed it up, didn't swallow it and spit it back into a cup, and you gave it to me.

And no, a thank you. Bring me a Coke and a chocolate bar and some fries. I'm over the organic health kick. Thank you. Oh, hey, that sounded good, actually. I'm going to go get some of that right now. Okay, so the new season of American Idol has begun. Are you excited?

Oh, please, don't tell me you don't watch it, people. You know you've peaked at it if you're not a regular watcher. You peaked at it. I mean, what is it with all these kids that want to sing? I don't know. Do you know anyone that grew up and was like, I've got to sing When I get older

I was born to sing I've got to sing I must sing I have to sing I mean did most people grow up and want to be a firefighter a lawyer a teacher a doctor what's with all the singers coming out of the woodwork man

Tell you what Why don't the whole lot of you Go form a choir Right get all those horrible singers Make an army And just walk them through Baghdad, man. That'll weed out all the terrorist cells and the insurgents. All those freaks singing off key and yelling and dressed like monkeys and

holy God. Start a whole new unit in the military. I believe in miracles. Where are you from? You sexy thing. Oh, yeah, they'll just run for the hells, the Shias, the Sunnis, the Kurds. And is it just me or the American Idol contestants becoming more demented, man? I mean, there's just like three shows in, and I've seen guys that look like space monkeys and giant potatoes with lips and chunks of cheese. I mean, there are some creepy people on that show. And you know they got to be letting them in, right?

You know you get bigger ratings with freaks than you do with talent. You notice at the end of the show, it's like, and here's the 15 people that made it through, and they show them running out the door. But they never show them singing. Instead, they just show the space monkeys and the potato people. It just goes to show you. We love freaks, man.

That's probably why you're listening to the Harland Highway, because I'm the biggest freak of all. Highland Williams. Okay, so here's a question for you. How much longer do you think that bookstores will be around? Okay, remember when downloads, music downloads happen, MP3s and all that? Oh, when digital and the iPods came in and all that, and all of a sudden the CD stores vanished?

like literally within about six months to a year they were just gone all those remember you used to walk around in cd stores and browse through the aisles and they had all the categories and they had the little headset stations you could put the ear the headsets on and listen to samples of the music right they had the huge virgin megastores and everything was centered around music and they're actually kind of hip and cool and now they're gone they're like extinct dinosaurs so my question is what's going to be next and my theory is and check back with me if you're still alive in two years i'm i'm thinking that bookstores have a a limited amount of time left here on planet earth and here's why because these uh these new uh kindles and the uh the uh the uh the

iPad and all these like little flat electronic reading devices where you can download books and you can download magazines and you can download newspapers I mean maybe newspapers are next I don't know but wouldn't that be something if bookstores fell by the wayside I mean bookstores are huge there's plenty of them they provide a lot of jobs Um, but just imagine if books kind of went away, physical books that you hold. Imagine the, uh, the factories, the manufacturing plants that would shut down. The printers, the, uh, the people that provide dyes and inks and, I mean, it'd just be incredible. But it feels like that's the way that it's going.

It feels like, uh, you know, technology is now. taking aim at the medium of reading and people are discovering that instead of having an office full of books that they rarely pull out um everything's just stored in their little uh their little flat tiny uh iPad or their Kindle I mean let's face it when you buy a book and you read it how often do you pull it off the shelf and read it again right? If you buy like a Stephen King novel or some Hemingway or some Ray Bradbury, you know, whoever you're into and you read the book. I mean, do you ever in your life go back in and go, oh, there's that the stand. Stephen King's the stand.

I've got to read that again. No, it's just too much work. You want to get to a new book. So putting books on your bookshelf is just. kind of almost redundant. It's almost like they're decorations at that point. And in some cases, I think it's people trying to be a little braggadocious. They're like, look how many books I've read.

These are all my books. I've read all of these. What have you read? But I don't know. Is that worrisome that the bookstores may fall by the wayside? You know, once the CD shops were gone, did people really care? Do you notice it? Do you feel it?

I think I do a little bit. You know, it just seems weird that all music is like kind of digital now and downloadable. But to know that that's where books are going to end up and that you can't kind of go to a bookshop and wander around and look at the pictures and read the back cover and it's interesting. And then you wonder, okay, is this a domino effect? What's next? what's the next trend now that the CDs are gone then the books are gone

what's the next thing to be destroyed or eliminated by our computers and our our iPads and things of the like I don't know I have to ask myself our movie theaters next are people just going to stop going to the theater because they can pull their phone out of their pocket and watch a movie while they're sitting on the bus right I mean think about that no more movie theaters holy jumping

what about TV maybe no more TV people just don't tune into the TV they watch everything on the phone on the computer on the laptop it's going to be interesting to see but there's my prediction

the next thing to become extinct is the good old borders or the good old Barnes & Noble or wherever it is you go for your books. Call me, let me know what you think. We have a new number now, a new hotline. It's 888-52090.

888-52090. Share with me your thoughts on where you think. The Mighty Bookstore is headed. Hey, hey, hey, you are on the Harlan Highway with me, your host, Harlan Williams, driving down the Harlan Highway today? Are you just kicking it at home? Maybe it's safer to be at home, man. The way people drive these days, I mean, if we're not texting someone, if we're not dialing a phone number, if we're not looking at our eyebrows in the mirror and plucking them, I mean, have you seen? people do weird things in their cars while they're driving? Reading a book? Looking at paper.

Some of them watching these flat screen TVs? I mean, I think I saw a guy driving down the street the other day. She's shaving a llama. Okay? I saw one guy sitting backwards. I think I saw a guy making love to his wife while he was driving. Not that I'd ever do anything ridiculous. like that you know get naughty well i'm driving i won't do it but people do i mean man we're lucky than more people don't roll their cars every day man wipe out all over the place people have got to focus put down the blackberry and the cell phone stop drying your hair and putting on your makeup and clipping your nails and giving yourself a Brazilian hello focus people If you don't kill yourself, you're going to kill someone else.

Do your grooming in the bathroom, not in your BMW. Just trying to get you all home safely and looking good, people. Here on the beautiful Harland Highway. I've got your picture. I've got your picture. I'd like a million of you all around myself. I want the doctor to do. take a picture so I can look at you from inside as well you get me turning up and turning down

I'm turning in and turning round turning Japanese turning Japanese I really think so turning Japanese turning Japanese I really think so turning Japanese Turning Japanese, I really think so. Turning Japanese, turning Japanese, turning Japanese, completely Japonies. Oh, there you go. Closing out the show with the melodic tones of Rick Moranus singing I'm Turning Japanese from. Second City television, hilarious.

Check it out on YouTube. Rick Moranis singing Turning Japanese, guaranteed to make you laugh. Hope we made you laugh today here on the Harlan Highway, whether you're white, Caucasian, black, African-American, or Japanese. Feel free to drop me a line at our new answering service 888-500. 2090. Hope to hear from you, get your feedback on the Harlan Highway. And until then, I'm turning Japanese and chicken chalem, baby.