The Harland Highway - PODCAST 216

Episode Date: January 12, 2011

Decorating, sleep overs, finances, comedian Sean Tweedley, sleeping in, Harland goes to a basketball game. Tweet my turnip!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Everybody's working for the podcast. Everybody wants a second chance. Yeah, right. We don't need second chances here because we get it right the first time around right here on the Harland Highway. Welcome aboard. I'm Harland Williams, your host. And what a show we have today? All kinds of intriguing.

In-depth topics. We're going to be talking about your finances, your end-of-the-year finances or your start-of-the-year finances, however you want to look at it. We're going to be discussing sleeping in, the art of sleeping in and your body clock. We're going to be talking about, speaking of sleeping, people staying over. Does it become weird when you want your boyfriend or girlfriend to stay over or maybe not have them stay over? I'm going to tell you a story about my encounter at a basketball game and Jack Nicholson, that's right. I was sitting right there near Jack Nicholson, the movie actor. We'll get into that.

We're going to talk about decorating your homes and a very funny comedian who's been coming in over the last little bit. Sean Tweedley will be here to share his humorous thoughts with us because it's always funny. Right here on the Harle. Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway Hi, I'm Jackie Wanna play

Please go away And leave me alone You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway Man, keep it going Love the show You're hilarious My Blancet! My blue blanket

Give me my blue blanket Fasten your seat now You're riding down The Harlan Highway It's the Holland Highway. Have you checked the children? Oh man, I'm so glad you guys are still open. Can I have one large Sicilian, make it well done, please,

and then a white pie with mushrooms and onions. I need that delivered to... Oh, where are we? We're in between 149 and 155. 51, 32nd Street. I really appreciate it, a big tip to the driver. Thanks. Okay, where's my dudes at, huh?

Where's the man, shall we say, have kind of stepped out of adolescence and boyhood and now are like full-fledged man? You know, like yuppies, urban professionals. You're kind of at that 30-year-old mark. You finally left the college stuff behind, and you're kind of maturing a little bit. And you finally got your own place. Your own nice place. No college roommates, no lazy-ass girlfriend, no relatives, no cousins.

Hey, Eric Stratt and Rush Chairman. Damn glad to meet you. You just finally did it. You went out and got your own nice place. Right? For the first time in your life, you're kind of like, you know what? Man, I don't want the ratty old couch and the beer kegs and the beer bottle collection and the kiss poster. I think I finally want to buy some nice stuff.

I want this place to look cool, but you're on your own, right? And you go out and you start looking for furniture and you start to realize that, hey, man, maybe I can do this. Not all guys are useless at decorating their own home and picking out nice stuff. man well first of all those curtains have got to go sometimes when we're just left to our own devices and we're kind of got our backs against the wall and we're kind of stranded we can do it sometimes I've picked out nice stuff before I thought it should be all very smooth and very slick and kind of elegant guys don't let anyone give you any grief take a deep breath be confident look around your house

and decide what fits and go out and do it. Little words of encouragement from me because there's some things us men just do not feel great about doing. But you can do it, gentlemen. Decorate your place and make it nice. And do it soon because I want to come over and have dinner and sit on your couch and watch TV. And I ain't going to do it if your place is a dump.

And yeah, I'm going to bring my friends, too. So if you're not going to do it for yourself, do it for me, and everyone else here on the Harlan Highway. Okay, so I did it. For the first time in many, many years, I went to a professional basketball game. Um, uh, yeah, a buddy of mine got tickets. He got really good tickets, and, uh, he's like, let's go to the last. Lakers, and I'm like, you know what, let's do it, man. So I went to the Lakers, and, you know, I'm not a big basketball fan.

I don't know why. I grew up watching hockey, so when I watch basketball, it just, you know, I'm not denying the athleticism, but it just moves slow to me. It looks like everything's in slow motion, and it, I don't know. It just basketball live doesn't compute in my head very well. I have respect for the game, respect for the athletes, but I just don't get a thrill out of it. But it was fun to be there.

It's fun to absorb the energy of the crowd. There was Kobe right in front of me. I mean, my seats were literally court side. You know, I was like three rows back from being on the court. And there's Kobe right in front of me, sweating and shooting. And what really cracks me up is when these guys do the long three-pointers, you know, especially Kobe, right? He did a few right in front of me, his back to me.

And I'm like, you know, right there, I could have thrown the weener from my hot dog and hit him in the back of the head. That's how close I was, right? But they do these big three-point shots, and they're like these Swiss shots, and they extend the arm, and at the end of the throw, when they release, you've seen it, they kind of flap their wrist down. Okay, the wrist is a, the ball sits on the palm of their hand on their fingertips. They release the ball and the momentum, the follow-through, makes their wrist kind of flap down.

You know, kind of in the old days in the 70s, whenever you were, when you were a kid and you wanted to kind of, you know, give an insulting kind of visual tip off that someone was a feminine or gay or a prissy or whatever not too manly you would kind of swish your wrist down you know just kind of your hand would be up and next thing your wrist would be bent and your fingers are pointing at the ground you know what i mean and i always find it funny that these big six seven foot guys all muscle all toned all ripped and there they go they throw the ball and their muscles are rippling, and then right at the end of it, whoops, Daisy. Watch me, I'm going to throw a three-point shot from the three-point line. Eap!

There it is. There's my little shot. Did it make it? Oh. I don't know, man. It's just like if a hockey player after he took a slap shot did a pirouet, right? or a hockey player took a slap shot and picked up one of the other players

and twirled him around over his head like you see in figure skating. It's just not that manly of an ending to the whole setup. Okay, I'm just throwing that out there. But here was the real thrill, okay? I sat down in my chair and I looked directly across the court.

Like if you were to run a live, laser beam or a wire or anything, like straight across the court. Okay? If you were to take the two chairs on opposing sides of the courts, pull them directly across together and face each other, it would be me and Jack Nicholson. Yes, that's right. The famous actor, Jack Nicholson, was sitting directly across from me. that was probably more exciting than seeing the basketball game and I you know every few minutes

I had to take a look at the guy you know he was sitting there in his black uh sweater his black blazer he had those uh horn rim glasses with kind of the rose colored rims and he's sitting there with his arms crossed and he wasn't very animated I don't think this game had much uh much on it you know it's not like it was a playoff game so He was pretty cool sitting there. He was watching the game. And I was just like, wow, are you serious? There's the guy from The Shining.

There's the famous actor from Easy Rider. There's Jack Nicholson, who we all know and love, man. And I was just waiting for him to be crazy and jump out on the court and rip his shirt off and go, here's Johnny. Are you out of your mind? Give me the goddamn ball and let me throw a three-pointer. Do you mind if I just step in here and do a slam dunk shot? Would that be all right with everybody?

Here's Johnny, right? Wouldn't that be, wouldn't you love to see crazy Nicholson getting there? And I kept watching him to see if he'd be crazy, and he really wasn't. And then right near the end of the game, there was one point where he wasn't really watching the game. He was just staring. He was just staring off into nowhere.

And then the middle of the stair, he just started laughing. You know, that kind of creepy joker from Batman laugh he has and his lips curled up and those teeth came out. He was just like, hey, he. And then as quickly as it started, it stopped. and he focused on the game and started watching again. I was like, wait, he's going crazy. Nicholson's, oh my God, he's going crazy right now.

So there you go. That's my story. Harley Williams at the old basketball game, sitting right across from the main man himself, Jack Nicholson. And I asked my buddy, too, I go, how old is Nicholson now? And he goes, I think he's like 71 or 75. And it made me sad because I realized, You know, even if he lives to be really old, you can only do your acting to a certain age.

You know, you're only mobile for so long. You only have your faculties for so long. And it made me sad that we probably only have like another five to eight years left of this guy as an actor. As a primo force to tour, tour to force in the acting community. I mean, of course he'll get the obligatory cameo or the. hey Jack Nicholson does a scene in this movie he's in a wheelchair you know kind of like uh james cagney when he died or when he got old he did a movie called ragtime i think it was his last movie and he was old and decrepit but he was in a wheelchair and he was you know so god bless him

uh great to see an iconic movie star like uh jack nicholson and let's just hope for god's sakes that uh He's not sitting somewhere doing a podcast, you know, the Jack Nicholson Turnpike, and he's sitting there going, you know, I was at a basketball game last night, and I looked directly across from where I was sitting, and I saw that freak Harlan Williams. And it made me sad because I thought he's only going to be around for another couple of years because he's a dumbass. and then I saw him laughing and I thought he's a freak and I said here's Johnny okay I'm drifting I'm getting off topic

but there you go that's my L.A. Lakers basketball story when hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes you always want to have better sex that's what you want it to be better not worse trust me and Adam and he is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping and more than that Adam and

Eve wants to make your life easy they offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority plus 100% free shipping on your entire order doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy I will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast don't wait better sex is just a click away that's 50% off one item and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use

this code Harland so you get your discount and a hundred percent free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. See, give me the bat. I just want to bash Harlan Williams' brains in. Does it matter to you at all

that the owners have placed their complete confidence and trust in me and that I have signed a letter of agreement, a contract in which I have accepted that responsibility? You have the slightest idea what a moral and ethical principle is. Do you?

Has it ever occurred to you What would happen to my future If I were to fail to live up to my responsibilities Has I never occurred to you? All right, boys and girls Are you having your boyfriend or your girlfriend over tonight You know, for a little scrabble Watch a little TV

Snuggle on the couch And then you get to the end of the night And it's one of those you kind of wanted to stay over but you're not sure and you kind of want the bed to yourself and you've been sleeping together for the last four or five nights and you're a little bit tired of each other and you both kind of know it but nobody wants to say it

so you kind of around 1130 you're like oh well let's get late isn't it baby yeah it is yeah oh well um do you do you want me to stay over oh hey you know do you i don't know do you want to stay over well you know i guess i could i don't know if i yeah you know if you really you know i don't know you got something to do well you got it and you both know you don't want to stay over but you can't be the first one to say yeah i don't want you to stay over why don't you to stay over why don't go home because then all of a sudden like what do you mean you don't want me to stay over what that

mean you sick of me you don't like me anymore no baby i mean it sounded like you didn't want to no don't put what are you seeing someone else so you got to do this little dance for about five minutes right back and forth you know if you want to go i mean i really want you to stay but yeah i know i really want to stay but maybe i should you know i've got the cat at home and I haven't spent time with the cat. Yeah, right the cat for sure. Yeah, you know, that darn cat

what does that cat get the love that I want? You know, you got to fake it a little bit, right? Yeah, it's a dance and then if you both get through it, it's like they take off. Like, second they're gone, you're like, oh, okay.

We got through that and then you hear them run out into the driveway and you hear their car start and then in your heart you're like oh my god where's she going oh my god I got to sleep alone tonight

I miss her already why did I let her go and then you're like kicking yourself could have been snuggling up to a sweet little sweetheart and now you're going to be all alone with your Donald Duck doll so think

before you stink Whatever that means. Here, it's on the Harlan Highway. Yeah, stink. Here's something that stinks that you have to do every year. Usually at the beginning of the year, of a new year, like right in January, you usually have to do it. You have to go in and see your accountant or your banker

or sit down with your significant other. And you have to go, okay, let's go through all the receipts. Let's go through all the money's earned. How did we do this year? Right? And you're dreading it. You're adding everything up and you're moving stuff around. And you're like, oh, I got some money from that.

And then someone gave me $100 for a present. And then we got that refund from the credit card company. And then my boss gave me a little bonus. And then your mom and dad sent us a little something. and then blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and you're just, you know, adding everything up. And doesn't it always seem, no matter how well you think you did, your accountant always goes, well, you didn't do as good as last year. You know, in order to just break even next year,

you're going to have to make another $7 or $8,000 just to be above that line. You know, like right now you're working backwards again. yourself but uh you know if you step it up a little next year uh you know eight or 10 wait a minute i thought you said six that well just 12 000 more and you'll be above that line what 12 i thought you said 10 look i'm gonna just let's tap it out at 35000 dollars you get above that nut and you're gonna be real good for the new year you're just like good god and then your mind replays, all the hours you worked and all the flying you did and all the maneuvering and all the politics and all the meetings and all the dinner parties and all the and all the man hours put in

sitting at the computer and sitting at your desk and only $35 more thousand dollars and you're going to be just fine. And then every year you have a good year, right, where it's like, hey, man, your investments, your thing, you made an extra $12,000. You're up $12,000, man. I mean, good for you. Take me out for steak and lobster, man. Wait a minute. You're my accountant. Yeah, I love lobster, man. And why are you talking like a dude?

I don't know. With all this new money you've got, I've just, it's like a weight off my back, man. I'm like feeling hip and free and I'm all about spending your newly found cash, man. Yeah, right. Believe me, any cash you save or any cash that you are above your nut, your line, okay? Trust me, the new year will eat it up like, remember in Star Wars? I think it was Star Wars 3 where they're walking through the desert

and the desert floor opened up and it was like this giant sucking jellyfish mouth and all the sand started going down and anyone standing near the edge of this giant like 300 foot mouth got sucked into the belly of the desert that's what you that's what your money's doing I thought I had an extra 12 grand you wish you did I just sucked it down Oh, man, there goes that new fish tank. Oh, you didn't say anything about a fish tank. Here, let me puke it back up for you. So anyways, I hope you're able to save.

That's the good part about this show. It's absolutely free. And although there are times when it sucks, you're not getting any money sucked out of you. So there you go. At least some things in life for free, right? so enjoy I hope you do well

happiness and prosperity to you and just be careful when you're walking through the desert you don't get sucked did you know that they say that sleeping in on Saturday and Sunday

can actually disturb your body clock leaving you feeling fatigued at the start of the week I'm sorry man. I unplugged my body clock Friday at 5 p.m. I take my body clock off and I throw it over a cliff, man. I don't just sleep on Saturday. I hibernate, man. You can put a grizzly bear beside me and I'd just snuggle. I'd hibernate. Man, what kind of study is that, huh? So what are they suggesting we get up at the same time on the weekend? Well, I better get up at 6 a.m.

You know, it's a Saturday. I don't want to throw the old body clock off. And Sunday, yeah, I better get up at 6 and shower and shave and just go sit at my kitchen table. You know, maybe I'll put my suit on and go down and get in the car and drive to work and just stare at my building. And then once 9 o'clock, 9.30 rolls around, I'll realize everything's closed.

and my body clock will be okay. Okay. The weekend's mine. Screw the body clock. Fill it up with booze. Fill it up with pizza. Fill it up with... Harlan Williams.

Man, I'm excited. Comedian Sean Tweedley has been spending some time with us here on the highway. Funny guy. And he's back again for more. man we're happy to have them how you doing buddy i'm good buddy wow you're all spiced up you're all fired up i'm excited do you wear cologne and stuff i do and i have it on now what is it because you look all like old spicy today it's called excited boy wow that's not uh michael jackson's new fragrance no okay i'm bringing the excited back all right what's up boy you're good happy to be alive

everything cool? Yeah, everything's really good. What a guy like you? You're on the road a lot. What bothers a guy like you about life, about this crazy world we're in? I don't even know what's going on to tell you the truth. What do you mean? Like you don't want to follow the news?

I try to follow, bro. It confuses you, right? It confuses me, like, it confuses everybody. Why? I don't know. I don't know how to follow it. I don't know. You know, there's all these terrorists.

There's wars going on. They're in, they're out. I don't know. Yeah. All I can make of it, I swear to you, all I can make of it, is that all these terrorist groups' names, don't they all sound like something you do on the toilet? Oh my gosh. What?

It's like, I don't know what I had to eat last night, man, but this morning I just dumped this huge Hezbollah, you know? This is a giant Shiite full of Kurds. And Sunnis, there were Sunnis in there, too. Yeah, they're hard to digest. They're like corn, bro. Those darn Sunnis, huh? Yeah.

You never Tiny little things They're tough It's stuck in your teeth Well you must You this stuff must drive you nuts All this terrorist Because you fly a lot

You're doing comedy clubs All over the country I mean Yeah You got to deal with security And airlines I mean you must have Some horror stories

I do Every flight for me is a horror story I hate flying Why? I just I'm scared of everything Turbulance the most Yeah I don't like bouncing around the sky

It doesn't feel good to me. Yeah, that's rough. Yeah, I don't know how people just sit there through it. A flight that I recently took, the thing was smashing all over the, but couldn't get above clouds. Like it was staying under the weather, it was bouncing around at one point, like drop like 20, 30 feet. And, you know, and here is the kicker. At one point, the pilot came on to calm everybody down. That's how bad it was. Oh, yeah, yeah. And the pilot came on and it was a woman, you know. I mean, nearly everybody on the playing crap their pants. I mean, honestly.

Everybody had a shesbola. Everybody had a giant she. Oh, no. It was a woman? Have you ever had a female pilot? No. Dude, it's, it startles you when the voice comes on. It's like, I mean, I'm not chauvinist, honestly.

No, no, you're not. But, you know, steering a plane is a lot harder than steering a shopping car at a grocery store. You know what I'm saying? I mean, even with the wobbly wheel, those things are tough to control. I'm in trouble now I've lost all female viewers No no it's a radio show so they can't see you Listeners

Yeah listeners Listeners listen boy you are shaking up Sorry So a woman comes on and what's she doing She's trying to calm you down Yeah She's calming everybody down And and

Can you hear like a hair dryer going off in the background Well I think she might have gone into labor I think Oh man Those ladies are always up to something, huh? They can just bump into something, and suddenly they start ovulating, and they're flying my plane.

Oh, my God. I don't know. PMS Airlines. Totally. That's scary. Too much to think about. Wow. You're going to walk everywhere from now on? From now on, it's just my kicks. I'll be walking all over the place. Oh, watch out for shopping cards, dude.

Thanks. All right. Sean Tweedley, the trials and tribulations of comedian Sean Tweedley here on the Harland Highway. All right, Sean Tweedley. My thanks to Sean for coming in over the last week or so and drop him by and yucking it up with us. You can check Sean out on Facebook

or you can check him out on MySpace and find out where he's playing. I know he has a CD out there that he has for sale. I'll try and track that down. Very funny lad. And speaking of the funny, the stand-up, can I give myself a little plug-gear? Holy God. If you're around this weekend, okay, January 14th and 15th, yours truly, is going to be in Denver.

Denver, Colorado at the Comedy Works, go to my website, harlomwilliams.com. You can see the schedule, click on the stand-up icon, and you will find. And the showtimes, the ticket prices, the location. I guess there's two Comedy Works comedy clubs in Denver now. So don't get the mixed up. And I'm really looking forward to that. I have not been out to Denver for a little while to do stand-up. So it's going to be great to get back there.

I know I have a lot of fans there. Always love the crowds there. So that's January 14th and 15th, Friday and 7th. Saturday night out in Denver at the Comedy Works. And don't forget if you want to pick up the podcast on your cell phone, go to Stitcher. Stitcher.com. There's a free app. You can download and you can have the Harland Highway on any of your smartphones.

And if you have any questions, comments, insults, or praise, feel free to call the Harland Highway Mailbox answering machine Leave your message 888-500-2090 888-52090 We'd love to hear from you If we like your messages, we put them on the air And there you go

So I hope you had fun today folks I know I had a great time as usual And that's all we have time. for today. So until next time, let me be very, very clear with this. Chicken, chow, main,

baby. You've had your whole fucking life to think things over. What good's a few minutes more going to do you now. Stay with me. Please. Don't hurt me. I'm not going to hurt you.

Stay away from me. Wendy? Stay away. Darling. light of my life I'm not gonna hurt you you didn't let me finish my sentence I said I'm not gonna hurt you I'm just gonna bash your brains

I'm gonna bash him right the fuck in stop swinging the bat put the bat down Wendy Wendez Wendor give me the bag give me the bat

Oh godd Thank you.