The Harland Highway - PODCAST 217

Episode Date: January 14, 2011

Micro mites, Life Coach Dr. Debbie Thymer, bugs, football and tennis, and Dr. Ascot. BBQ my toadstools!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

She said, pass the podcast on the left-hand side. She said, pass the podcast on the left-hand side. She got the bunk in me the podcast, make you jump and shout. Wamb-de-l-l-lum-dom-dom. Yeah, it's me rapping Jamaican style here. Welcome, everybody. Harlan Williams here. Thank you for riding along on the Harlan Highway today.

What a show we have. We're going to be talking about microscopic creatures that live on your body. Is that not an exciting way to kick off the show? And then we're going to talk about bugs in general. Have you ever been accosted by a bug? You ever have a bug invade your private space? And then after that, Dr. Debbie Timer, the life coach, is going to be here. helping regular folks like you and me with their problems in life.

We're going to be discussing some sports. I'm going to get into, there's another thing about football that's bothering me. And there's also a few things about tennis that are bothering me. So I'm going to rally together my insults and get going on that. And then something else that bothers me. Dr. Ascott, I have to see. him today. At least I can laugh along the way here on the Harland Highway.

Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hi, I'm Jackie want to play. Please go away and leave me alone. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Man, keep it going. Love the show. You're hilarious. My blanket. My blue blanket. Give me my blue blanket. Fasten your seat.

You're riding down the Harlan Highway. It's the Harland Highway. Have you checked the children? Harlan Williams here on the Harlan Highway. And you want to be freaked out? Yeah. You had a microscope. And you could take a microscopic image of your eyelashes and your eyebrows and your eyelids.

You know what you'd see? You'd see this weird little thing that lives in there. this worm-like creature with claws that looks like a scorpion. Isn't that weird? You ever see one of those documentaries on microscopic animals that live on our bodies like dust mites and the thing I just described? It actually has a name. Demodex. Ugh, I got Demodex.

You got Demodex. Everyone's got them. You can't even see them, but when you see them under a microscope, they look like creatures from the Matrix. and they're up there eating and you've got to figure if they're that ugly what are they eating that must be twice as ugly they look like Star Wars characters running around and they're like they're in my eyes right now

are you thinking about it can you picture them crawling around in your eyelashes oh god I don't mean to freak you out but don't pluck your eyelashes and start licking them because they're covered with creepy crawlies And I'm getting the creeps. I've got to go jump into the shower.

All the microscopic fungus is growing so more of it can crawl on me and exist. Oh, it sucks. I'm a microscopic creature host here on the Harlan Highway. I know, it's weird. It is weird. You ever have this happen to you?

You're laying in bed at night and you're just about asleep and you're kind of in that, kind of foggy, you know, half sleep, half awake, and all of a sudden you are convinced you feel something running across your forehead or on your hand or your arm or across your face. Oh. And sometimes it's just your imagination, but every now and then it's real because everybody

has bugs in their house. I don't care if you live inside of a vacuum cleaner. Somewhere there's going to be a bug. and every now and then a spider lowers itself down from the ceiling or an earwig climbs up the leg of your bed or a bunch of dustmates crawl out of your mattress or a fly lands on your nostril while you're asleep and lays eggs you know what I'd rather just sleep through it

that's how creepy it is because here's what happens If you are laying in bed, awake, and you feel that one night, that one moment when that one rogue bug lowers itself onto you or crawls across you, you cannot go back to sleep, right? You're just, you turn on the light and you're like, what was that? Oh, my God, where the hell is that? And you start flipping your sheets around and you flip your pillow over and you're rubbing your arms, even though there's nothing there. You're kind of, it's as if you're pitching yourself washing with a bar of soap, but there's no bar of soap. You're just kind of rubbing your skin and brushing everything off in case whatever it was that was crawling on you is still there, or somehow it's so small, you can't see it. But here's what happens, right?

You cannot go back to sleep because now you're laying there and your mind starts playing tricks on you. Your body starts pretending that it's feeling things. crawling on you right and you're just laying there and you're in the dark and you're like oh wait i just felt something and you turn the light on you're okay there's nothing there and then you try to go back to sleep and it's like oh i felt that did you feel that uh right and you just get freaked so it's always bizarre when you got little critters on your body i don't mind it when it's daytime if i'm out in nature if i'm camping you know you're you're expecting it but when you're in in your own comfy little bed on your 12th floor apartment or in your

house in your nice clean bedroom and you just did the laundry and your sheets are nice and a centipede crawls across your mouth that's just unfair a cockroach oh i remember i stayed at a hotel once wasn't the most reputable hotel looking back on it i think it was called the Love Hotel and the bed was shaped like a heart. Ye. And I got up after watching some TV. I was with my girlfriend at the time and I went into the bathroom to go brush my teeth for bedtime and I'd left my toothbrush sitting out on the counter.

I go in, I go to grab my toothbrush and no word of a lie. Standing on the bristles of my toothbrush was a constant. cockroach. Probably the exact same length as the bristles of my, of my, of my toothbrush. I'm getting all discombobulated thinking about it. I'm short-circuiting. Oh. So to all you critters listening, stay the hell out of my bedroom. Back off. And just so you know, I sleep with a can of raid under my pillow. Hi, I'm Dr. Debbie Timer, and I'm your life coach. I am my baby's mother's sister's daughter, and it's time to get a life, your life.

Well, welcome everybody to the show. I'm Dr. Debbie Timer, and I'm very excited. everyone could be here today and listen in and share life experiences and maybe some of the advice or comments that I drop along the wayside will help some of you with your life. And as you know, we like to have our listeners participate on my show. And so let's take a call from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania today and see if we can help someone with their life. Go ahead.

You're on the air. on Dr. Debbie Time or Life Coach. Oh, hi, Dr. Debbie, thank you so very much for taking my call. Well, you're very welcome, and how may I assist you today? Well, I'm very upset. I'm very embarrassed even to talk about it, doctor. Well, why don't you just jump right into it? That's what I'm here for. Oh, doctor, I'm just, I don't know if this is something I can talk about openly. Well, you did call, so why don't you give it a chance, put your foot in the water, and let's discuss.

Oh, thank you, doctor. Well, I had a very embarrassing situation happen with my wife, and just I'm very humiliated and embarrassed, and I just don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Okay, stop the drawn-out words. I'm sorry, doctor, but I just don't know if I, what I did is I'm just a... Why don't you tell me what happens, sir? Okay, that's a great idea.

I was making love to my wife. Okay, you were making, having sexual intercourse? Yes, I was having sexual intercourse. Pardon me? Sexual intercourse? Did you just say intercourse? That's how we pronounce it down here in Pittsburgh, Dr. Debbie. Intercourse.

Yes, that's how you say it. No, it's not. Say intercourse. Sexual intercourse. Can you just get to your problem, please, sir? Well, Dr. Debbie, I was making passionate love to my wife, and, well, I'm just going to blurt this out. I accidentally slipped out of my wife, and I went into the wrong hole. I beg your pardon?

My penis, Dr. Debbie? Yes, your penis. It slipped out of my wife, and it accidentally went into the wrong hole, and I just, well now don't get down on yourself this happens quite frequently more than you'd suspect it's a common occurrence during aggressive sexual activity or passionate love-making or sexual intercourse stop saying that sorry doctor what do i do about this i mean i feel so awful that my penis went into my wife's wrong hole well you shouldn't uh you really shouldn't it has happens. It was a mistake. I don't understand why you have all this guilt and remorse.

Well, I guess my darling wife is a cancer survivor doctor and it just makes it all the worse. It compounds the situation. Okay, I understand. But, you know, you set the key word here. She's a cancer survivor. And it's fantastic that she made it through and you celebrate by making sweet love. and having sexual interquorce. Stop saying fucking interquorce. I'm sorry, doctor, but I can't get through the guilt. Well, just get through it, okay? What you did is not taboo anymore, okay? It just isn't.

Well, I do have to admit the hole was a lot tighter and a lot more pleasurable, and I just couldn't stop. It's like I went out of one hole and right into another hole that was five times as tight. and the pleasures that rippled through my body, doctor. Okay, we don't need to get that graphic, but as I said, everybody and their mother is trying anal sex these days, and it's not... What do you mean, anal sex? Well, you said you slipped out and went into her other hole.

Yes, the forbidden hole, doctor. Well, you don't have to call it the forbid... Are you getting tongue-tied, doctor? I am a little bit. Now, shut the fuck. up, you don't have to call it the forbidden hole. Oh, yes, you do. She's a cancer survivor.

It doesn't matter that she's a cancer survivor, sir. Even cancer survivors like anal sex. What are you talking about anal? Well, you did say you slipped into her other hole? Yes, she's a cancer survivor, doctor. She had a tracheotomy. Excuse me? She's got a hole in her throat.

Oh, my Christ. I know. I was pounding away. we were having sexual intercourse and I accidentally slipped out and went right into her neck Oh my God And it was just so tight I couldn't stop

And it sounded like She felt like I was inside of a dolphin I couldn't start like I found myself A blowhole doctor Oh for Christ's sake Shut the fuck up And I just It was like I started yelling

Free Willy Free Willie as I were making love And I was making sexual intercourse to her neck, and I thought she was getting into the whole free willy thing. She started making dolphin noises, like, yeah, you know, this type of thing. I don't think we need to hear that, sir. Well, I was just getting so into it, and it turned out she wasn't making dolphin noises, but I was choking her to death doctor.

My big throbbing member was in her throat, and she was like, And I'm yelling, free willy, free willy as I'm pounding away on her neck. Oh my God, shut the fuck up. We can't hear this kind of talk on the air. Well, I don't know what to do, doctor. I just liked it, and she was a cancer survivor, and I have so much guilt and shame. Sir, making love to a woman's tracheotomy hole is unacceptable. I know, but it slipped out. It was a total accident. Well, it's not acceptable, and I'm afraid this call is a little too twisted for us to... Do you have any openings, doctor, that I should know about, any alternate openings that one won't expect

and could accidentally slip into during sexual interquorce? Stop saying fucking intercourse, okay? For starters, and no, I don't have any holes, sir. We're going to have to end this call. Thank you for calling. But wait, I still haven't finished freeing, Willie. Sirs, hang the fuck up. Free willy, free willy, my wife's throat is a blowhole. Hang the fuck, hang up on him. Hey, doctor, I need a blowhole.

Okay, wow, that Dr. Debbie's show seems to get more and more vile as we go along. I mean, I try to run a clean podcast here. The only time it really ever gets, hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offered to destroy. discreet shipping as your privacy is a priority, plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, I will be packaged and sent discreetly

for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy, or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Really, X-rated or dirty is whenever I have Dr. Devi Timer on. I mean, I don't get it, but there's a lot of things I don't get.

And here's something I don't get, okay? I don't know if you watch football or not, but this is a new development, a new thing that I'm going to gripe about because I think it's pathetic. But if you're watching football, take a look at the sidelines now and these big, full-grown, you know, 300-pound athletic men, you know, they come waddling off the field and they'll be sitting on the sidelines

or they won't come waddling off the field. They're already sitting on the sidelines. And now they've got, like, little water boys. Have you seen this? And when I say water boys, I don't mean they're bringing them glasses of Gatorade or glasses of water or bottles of water. What they have now is they have these little kids with hats on

and they walk up to the football players and stick a squirt bottle through the grill of their helmet, you know, the safety guard that goes in front of their mouth. And these young boys or men or whatever they are, they actually hold the bottle and squeeze it into the player's mouth because somehow the players are incapable of knowing when they want water and are incapable of lifting up the water bottle and squirting it in their own mouth.

Ugh, it just bothers me, man. It just looks so fruity and pansy, and it's like, come on, guys. You're like monsters out there. You're like monster trucks ramming into each other. You know, you're plowing into each other. It's all muscle and bone and equipment and helmets, and you're like, ah! and there's frost coming out of your mouths

and you're foaming like you have rabies and you're screaming and yelling and then you get to the sideline. It's like some little guy runs up and squirts the water in your mouth because you can't do it yourself. You just get somebody squirts some water in my mouth before I go back out on the field

and get really mean and angry. Ugh Yeah, it bugs the hell out of me, man Just pick up the damn Gatorade bottle When you get thirsty and squirt it in your mouth I mean, what the hell is next? Do they have a guy in the locker room

That wipes your butt for you? Jeez, can you get someone over on the sideline To floss your teeth in between plays? Can someone get the fungus out from under your toenails? Would you like a manicure? Will you wait for second down? Should we throw up the massage table and put some eucalyptus oil on your back and give you a full deep tissue massage there, Mr. football player?

Come on. Man up. Playing in a tough sport, man. Can you not pick up your own water? bottle and take a drink you need another human being to stand there and squirt it in your mouth for you what are your arms paralyzed hey man i don't want to use my fingers you know i these are the fingers i use to catch the football man so like i don't want to waste any of my grip you know i'll have so much grip under my 25 million dollar contract right okay for 25 million dollars you get x amount

of minutes of grip out of my All-Star hands, right? So I'm not about wasting my grip on squeezing a Gatorade water bottle. See? So you better bring some bitch over to squeeze that water bottle in my mouth

because that's a clear violation of my contract. I can't be wasting no water bottle on my grippy fingers. I use my grippy fingers to grip the football, man. with you bit give him a water bottle bit oh brother give you a water bottle how about an enema you little baby stick your gatorade bottle up your grrhr if you're going to play a manly sport be a man

drink your own water there i said it thank you tennis anybody tennis hello carlton anybody for a round. Oh, what a sport. That's a good way to get mad at your best friend. It was in, man. That ball was in. No, it was out, dude. No, it was in, you bastard.

No, it was out. How funny, you get so worked up over a little fuzzy ball. A little yellow ball going back and forth over a net. How many hours of your life have you given up to that pursuit? Donk, don't, don't, don't. And how about the women playing tennis, man? Holy God. The girls get to wear these sexy little miniskirts?

I mean, they're shorter than cheerleader dresses. These little tiny mini skirts and the white seethru tops. They look hot, man. Hello. Close your eyes and you're in a porno movie, man. Have you heard the women serve and return? Service, Machika Floba. Return, micakakakaka.

I haven't heard that much grunting and moaning since I hung out at the Playboy Mansion as a peeping Tom. Can you imagine if the men grown like that? Service, Federer. Oh, oh, oh, oh, ooh, creepy, man. Then you get the dudes with that sweaty sweatband through their greasy hair and Wonder Woman wristbands and they're wiping their snotty noses and then rubbing it on their foreheads and big stains under their armpits.

I guess I'll just stick to watching the girls' matches and close my eyes and keep on dreaming. Harland Love Martina Narvatova Love Ew What did I just say On the Harland Highway And speaking of

It's Friday And guess what that means I have to do my On the Air Therapy with Dr. Ascot I just wish this would end sometime soon so let's get it over with here we go hello holland hello doctor askott what are we doing today my energy is a little low today alland yeah why is that well as you know i went in for a callanoscopy last week

Arland. Okay. And why is your energy low? Because it felt so good I had seven more done the next day, Arland. Oh, God! Holland, you can never be too safe when one is checking one's anus for polyps and tumors. Okay, I don't need to hear the graphic details about your colonoscopy. Alland, I am tumor and polyp free. Okay, good. Do I need to hear the word polyp one more time? If you wish, Arlen. No. Paulup.

Stop it. Paulup. Stop it. Paulup. Stop saying polyp. Pull up. Cut it out. What are we doing today? Well, Arland, having a colonoscopy made me think of you.

wait a minute what are you talking about i was laying on the examination table with a large tube up my bottom and all i could think of was you alland okay that's just inappropriate the fact that you were sitting there with a tube in your buns and you're thinking of me exactly allan why were you thinking of me dr ascot well i was thinking of how when you have a colonoscopy alland it it just checks you. It searches for pollops. Don't start polyps again. Paulops. Stop it! And so what I thought is maybe with you I could do a

psychological a psychological colonoscopy, Arland. What in the world is a psychological colonoscopy? That's where I probe your thoughts to see if there's any abrasions, any polyps, any

tumors. Psychologically speaking, of course, in Holland. Oh, God. What do I have to do for that? Just let me put my hands on your temples, Arland. What do you mean hands on my temples? Kind of like a Vulcan mind probe. Have you ever seen Star Trek, Holland? Yes, I've seen Star Trek. You mean when Spock puts his hands on people's heads and reads their thoughts? Exactly, Holland.

And you're going to do that to me and give me a mental colonoscopy? Exactly, Holland. Oh, God. Where do you need to put your hands? I will put one on your forehead and one on your face. How long is this going to take? It shouldn't take long, Holland. All right, let's get it over with. Give me the mental colonization.

So I can check for mental polyps. Stop saying polyps. Polops. Stop it! All right, let's do this. All right, Arland, I'm placing my hand on your forehead. Okay, your fingers are a little cold. And another hand on your face, Holland.

I have two fingers by the sides of your nostrils, one on your chin, and the other one. pressing into your cheeks. Yes, I can feel it, I can see it, and, uh, wait a minute, what's that smell? What smell, Arland? I don't know, your, your fingers smell like barbecue sauce or something. No, wait a minute, it's not even smells. God, they smell awful.

What the hell? I don't smell anything, Arland. What the hell is that reek on your fingers? I don't know, Arland. Oh, what? It smells like crap, Ascot. God! Ohland.

What the hell have you been doing? Nothing, Alland. The only thing I can think of is that when I was getting my colonoscopy, a couple of times I pulled the tube out of my ass so I could answer some cell phone calls. What the hell? They were important calls from patients, Arland. You pulled the tube out of your... Out of your...

Ass. Out of your ass? To answer cell phone calls? What the hell's wrong with you? I guess I forgot to wash my hands, and that's why they stink like ass. Oh, my God. You're giving me a mind probe, but get your fingers off my face. I'm not finished yet, Arland.

Did you wash your hands? I don't think so. It's hard to wash your hands when you have a cell phone in your hands, Holland. Get them off! Get them off! Get him up! Oh, God! I'm going to go sterilize my face. You're out of here.

Get out of here! Holland, you don't happen to have a garden hose around, do you? Why would I have a garden hose? Oh, I'm not sure maybe to do a recreational colonoscopy, perhaps. God, get out of here! Have you ever been checked for polyps, Holland? Stop saying pollups, get out. Paul ups.

Get out! Good Lord. What a Dementoid, man. Unbelievable. Anyways, let's get on to something more enlightening, more fun. How about this? If you're around the Denver, Colorado area tonight, and tomorrow night,

that being January 14th and 15th, Friday and Saturday, yours truly polyp free harland will be at one of the comedy works comedy clubs in denver i think it's the new one uh that they've they've built it'll be my first time at the new comedy works comedy club um and you can go to my website harland williams dot com and just click on my stand-up comedy link and you can find out about tickets showtime directions, all that stuff. And I hope to see you out there. It's my first live gig of the year.

And we are going to have a blast. So try and get out there before it sells out. Friday and Saturday, January 14th and 15th, Denver, Colorado Comedy Works. And don't forget, I'll be there after the shows doing a meet and greet saying hello, signing DVDs and books and whatever. And if you want to pick up the Harland Highway on your cell phone, you can get a free app from Stitcher. Stitcher.com. And that will allow you to have the Harland Highway on your mobile device.

And also another cool announcement. My new movie, Fudgy-Wudgy Fudge Face, is now available at Amazon. you can go to amazon dot com and you can rent the movie or you can purchase the movie it's all downloads there's no physical item that you get shipped to your house

it's all in download mode digital download so now you can like I said rent or own fudgy wudgey fudge face by going to amazon dot com and searching around for

fudgy fudge face don't forget you can leave us a here at the highway at our voice machine the number is 888 52090 888 52090 gets you right through to the answering machine and you can leave a message and if we like it we will put it on the air okay that's it we are we are out of polyps we are out of time I hope you had a great time thanks for riding along on the Harland Highway. And until next time, my friends, chicken. Chowmaine, baby. Who is this? My mother is dead.