The Harland Highway - PODCAST 218

Episode Date: January 17, 2011

Toenails and finger nails, Comedian Gene Pompa, voice mail, Life Coach Dr. Debbie Thymer, cash bonuses, cat allergies, wedding fat, and romantic night sounds. Tremble my tangerines!!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Time can never man, the careless whispers of a podcast to the hot. Wait a minute, what? Careless whispers of a podcast? Now, there's no whispers here. This is all, it's all out on the floor at the Harland Highway. Welcome aboard. Welcome down the nuttiest road in the world. It's the Harland Highway.

I'm your host, Harland Williams, and a packed show tonight. We have comedian. Comedian Gene Pompa is going to be dropping by. In fact, he's going to be here all week visiting the Harland Highway. We kick it off today with Gene. Very funny guy. We're going to be taking some voicemail. We're going to be talking about your fingernails and your toenails,

especially with the men, how do you treat them? We're going to be talking about distant sounds in the night, those romantic distant sounds in the night. Dr. Debbie Timer, the life coach, will be here with all her advice. We're going to be talking about cat allergies. We're going to be talking about Google. We're going to be talking about wedding fat. I mean, it doesn't get any better.

Just keeps getting fatter and fatter right here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hi, I'm Jackie want to play. Please go away and leave me alone. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Man, keep it going. Love the show.

You're hilarious. My blanket. Give me my blue blanket. Passing your seat. You're riding down the Harlan Highway. It's the Harland Highway. Have you checked the children? Hey, hey, hey, it's Harlan Williams on the Harlan Highway.

Yeah, oh yeah. Winding down for the evening. Getting ready to hit your bed tonight. Just drop into it. Film clips of people standing on the edge of a pool. They're back to the water. They put their arms out. They just drop backwards.

in slow motion and splash right into their mattress. Is that what you're going to do? Everything's quiet. Everyone's gone to sleep. Especially in the summer. Laying in bed with the windows open and always in the distance. You can hear like a train go by. Can you hear it, huh?

Just that distant train horn. Or maybe you hear a distant siren somewhere. or a plane go by. Maybe even the odd dog barking out in the horizon somewhere and you're going, what is he barking at on this quiet magical night? But you ever get something weird that doesn't fit? You're laying there, your eyes are slowly closing. And all of a sudden, on the night breeze you hear a dolphin?

What's that? Oh my God. Was that a dolphin? You sit up in bed, sweating. Listen. What's that? A sea mammal. I live in Arkansas.

How, what, there's, we're surrounded by dolphins. Huh? Never happened? No? It hasn't? You mean, I'm the only guy? Oh, no. Oh, I better call Freddy Kruger, man.

I got sleep issues. To believe in the buggy man. Stay awake. Get home safe here on the Harlan Highway. All right. How many of you men out there take care of your nails? How many of you men out there go for pedicures or manicure cures or even trim your own toenails or your own fingernails? Do you bite them off?

Do you chew them off? How do you do it? Do you let your toenails grow out of control before you trim them? or are you like conscious of them and kind of cut them before they get too long, before you look like a creature from where the wild things are? Okay, I'm mixed. Sometimes I take care of my nails, I trim them, I bite them, I chew them. I don't go for pedicures, I don't go for manicures.

But I find that my fingernails get way better treatment than my toenails. And, you know, as you get a little older, your toenails just get worse and worse. They get kind of more bent and they get more cragly and they get more gross. I don't know. But I tend to let the old toenails grow a lot longer than the fingernails. And I guess it's obvious because I don't look at the toenails a lot. And sometimes the way it can tell is when you go to put a sock on and some of the fabric gets caught in your toenails. toenail and you're having a tug of war in your sock and the fabric of your socks under your

toenail and it's starting to pull your toenail up and you're like ah and then you're going to pull your foot out of your sock but the real telltale sign with with your toenails is when you're crawling into bed with your lover and you know you're rubbing together and you're nestling together and your toenail or toenails, just scrape, scrape down the side of their soft, hairless, moisturized leg. Oh, God. It's like a rusty nail dragging across a balloon, an inflated balloon. It's just like, e'-e-h-h-h-h-h-pthr.

And you're just like, oh my God, did I cut her? Is she bleeding? Did she feel that? And of course she felt that. It's like wrestling with a circus bear. It's just these horrible claws. So I don't know. I'm just asking if you want to call and tell me what you do, gentlemen.

Do you cut your toenails, your fingernails? I don't know why I want to know. this, but I guess I do. I've never asked this before. 888-520-90. 8-88-5-20-90. Guys, how often or when do you cut your nails, and are there any freaks out there that save their nails? I've heard stories. I've heard rumors of this where some guys will keep a jar. I know it's disgusting and save the clippings. And I don't know if they're using them in recipes. I don't know if they're making sculptures. I really don't want to know at all what they're doing with them. But let me know, guys. I want to get in on your grooming tips here. 888, 500, 2090.

Let me know what you're doing with your big greasy nails. Hey, hey, hey, everybody. This is Harland Williams, and you're rolling down the Harland Highway. And I was picking up some CB radio signals just a minute. here ago let me see if i can pick them up uh breaker nine breaker nine come in breaker breaker one nine breaker one nine this is purple pumper nickel go here 1020 uh breaker now you sound a hell of a lot like uh world famous comedian jean pompa that's a big 106 there breaker 2 6 it's you it's me jean pompa jean pompa's here everybody ladies and gentlemen comedian extraordinaire you can

call me Kitty Licious. Oh, I like that. Is that your handle? Oh, that's my hand. Oh, that's my handle, yeah. Oh, yeah. Sounds like you have like a Texas accent. Actually, it's from East L.A.

Oh, wow. More than raising East L.A. up there in the hills there. Oh, in the hills of L.A.? Yeah, right there, they got a little bar real there with all the Chicanos hang out, and that's where I picked up my accent. Oh, it's so sexy. I bet the girls go bazonkers over you, you wildcat.

Oh, wow. I wouldn't say that, but it does have a little Antonio Banderas flared to it, I guess. Do that little growl again you just did? You sounded more like Pepe Lapeue than you did. Well, right now I just got over a cold suit. Okay. Gene's here with us. He's going to be here with us all week.

How was your weekend, buddy? What did you do on the weekend? Oh, my weekend was amazing. This is what I do. I start out Friday afternoon. I go down to the beach and I purchase properties. What do you mean? Real estate?

Yeah, real estate. Okay, why? Well, I buy high. I sell low. Yeah, are you making money? Yeah, I'm doing all right. And then around 6 o'clock, I drive into traffic, and I pretend I'm coming home from work.

And then around 4 o'clock in the morning, I call everyone in my family to borrow some money, and then 12 noon I try to patch things up with my family members. Oh, no. And then 4 o'clock I'll hook up with a male prostitute. What? Oh, who? Oh, don't worry about who.

Just one operation away from being a woman. So it's not like a weird. Oh, okay. So that's okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'm heterosexual. Okay, and then what do you do? And at 7 o'clock exactly, I accuse my girlfriend of cheating on me, and I storm out of the house. So you storm out, and where do you go?

Well, then at 702, I go back and tell her, I'm sorry, and ask her if I can borrow $40. To buy drinks? With my sancho. is that the half woman guy his name's Sancho he's got it's like a nickname it's like a CB handle oh okay and you're what kitty fingers is it kitty licious

kittylicious yeah okay so you just go out with Sancho and then what happens and then at 10 o'clock I go crash out at Robert Downey Jr.'s Oh my god the actor uh huh yeah we're good friends you are yep and then you's around 3 o'clock in the morning Sunday I get ralsted out of bed by the heat Why, are you in trouble? They think it's trouble.

I was just sleeping. That is a long day with Gene Pompah's adventures here on the Harland Highway. Oh, God, I love Gene, man. He cracks me up. If you get a chance, check out Gene Pompah at, you know, check out his Facebook page, check out his MySpace page. Track him down at a comedy club if you can. You might have seen Gene on Conan.

You might have picked up his DVD. you might have bought his CD. Just a hilarious guy. Gene's going to be dropping in all week with us here at the highway. So I'm looking forward to that. I hope you enjoy hanging out with Gene Pompah. Okay, let's talk about corporate money. Okay.

Are we a little pissed off at the gas companies who made, what was their profit margin this year, last year? it was something like $23 billion in profit. And I'm not even exaggerating. It was astronomical. And then all these CEOs on Wall Street got these, you know, these Christmas bonuses of like, some of them got $100 million Christmas bonus.

What did you get for a Christmas bonus, huh? How was your fruit cake? Oh, man, are you kidding me? All these big dollars flying around. and one of the biggest companies out there right now is Google. And I'm not going to slam Google. Just guess what they did, man. Google took some of their billions.

Instead of just handing it out to their employees, instead of just patting their pockets, the CEOs and the owners and the co-founders, and instead of buying Rolls Royces and Bling and Diamond watches and condos in Paris, these guys said you know what we got a lot of money here man why don't we put some of it back into the human race into society and make a contribution

these guys put all this money together and they bought a gigantic telescope I think this thing outweighs the Hubble Google footed the bill for this thing and they've got some investors coming on board now that they're on board because they're Google. People know they're a legit company with money. And this telescope is to search the universe.

That's what they did. And they're going to collect data and research. And that all comes back towards furthering the cause of the human race. Because let's face it, if we don't start moving out into space soon, we could be in trouble. You ever seen a bunch of rats in a cage at a pet shop, how dirty it gets? Earth's getting there. We're using up the fish and the air and the trees. Anyways, I'm straying off my point,

but what I'm saying is, why don't all these big money-making entities throw a little back towards the common good of mankind? Good for you, Google. Set the example. Let's hope some of these other places follow suit. And don't forget to ask yourself, what are you doing to make a better tomorrow?

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Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping.

Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Stop. Do you know how fast you were going? I'm going to have to write you a ticket to my new movie, The Naked Gun. Liam Nissan. Buy your tickets now. I get a free Tilly dog.

Chili dog, not included. The Naked God. Tickets on sale now, August 1st. Hey, Harlan, this is Greg up north from you on Oakland. I want to let you know that your podcast has actually become part of my Thanksgiving Day tradition. Every Thanksgiving morning, two years now, and probably every year going forward. I take my dog for a walk. While I'm doing that, I like to listen to the Thanksgiving Day, Harlan Highway podcast. listen to the Harlan Parade.

It's a great way to start today. It makes me feel really happy as I get ready for my turkey dinner. I'd like to know that. You're a part of my life now every year going forward. Keep it up. Well, there you go, huh? How about that? I'm glad you enjoy the parade.

We love bringing it to you. There's the Thanksgiving Day parade, and don't forget the Christmas parade. And who knows? We just love parades here at the Harland Highway. We may have a Super Bowl parade. We may have a President's Day parade. We may have a gay pride parade.

We don't know. Every year is a new year. But I'm so happy that you made that part of your yearly activity. I got to tell you, I don't miss it either. It's always a calamity of chaos. our host John Water and John Starter host the damn prades and nothing ever seems to go right

so if you haven't heard them make sure that you check our archives or you just sit around sit around by your podcast device until the holidays just sit there in a corner collecting spider webs until a Harland Highway

Prade comes your way. Hi, I'm Dr. Debbie Timer and I'm your life coach. I am my baby's mother's sister's daughter and it's time to get a life, your life.

Well, hi, I'd like to welcome everybody. to our show on Dr. Debbie Dimer and we will be taking your calls today helping you guide your life through all the pitfalls and parking stops and valleys that you happen to go through the highs and the lows and let's get to the phone line, shall we?

This will be fun. Let's take a call from West Virginia. Go ahead, West Virginia. You're on the line. with Dr. Debbie Timer, your life coach. Oh, hi, Dr. Debbie. Hello, how are you today, child? Oh, I'm excellent.

Thank you so much for taking my call. Well, you're very welcome. You sound very chipper today. It's very excited, but I'm a little confused. Okay, well, how can we help you? Well, I'm at a bit of a crossroad, Dr. Debbie. Okay, what do you mean by that? Well, I've been living with my boyfriend for three months.

Okay, so it's something relatively new? Yes. And are you getting along, okay? Are you managing? Sometimes moving in with a boyfriend or a girlfriend can be taxing and cause stress. No, everything's good. There's just one thing that my boyfriend wants, and I don't know that I'm willing to do it. Well, okay, what's that? Um, my boyfriend, Greg.

Yes. He wants to be ashamed. my pussy. Oh, child. Yeah, I don't know if I'm ready to shave my pussy. Well, okay, you don't have to call it that. Well, that's what he calls Dr. Timer. Okay, well, let's work with that. If that's what you guys are used to, then let's just keep it there. I hope our listeners aren't offended. I hope not either. It's a wonderful pussy. Okay, okay. Um, Wyatt is your boyfriend. Greg, was it? Yes, Greg. Samuel Parkerson.

Okay, I don't know that he needed his whole name said on the line. Well, it's out there now, isn't it? It sure is. Now, why do you, does he want you to shave your... My pussy? Yes, your pussy.

Well, doctor, he's been having allergic reaction to it. Wait a minute. Your boyfriend's been having an allergic reaction to your pussy? Yes, every time he touches it, he breaks out in hives. and his ankles swell up, and his lips get puffy.

One time he even kissed my little pussy, and his lips got so puffed up, he couldn't eat the escargo shells that I prepared for romantic dinner on our fourth anniversary. Wait a minute, you made escargo? Yes, their little snails show. I know what they are. The little snails that you may eat the meat.

You eat the snail meat, doctor. Stop it, I know what a fucking escargo is. Now let's get back to your pussy. Okay, let's. Your boyfriend has a... Are you getting all mixed up? No. Sounded like you were?

No, I'm not. Now, your boyfriend gets puffed up and swollen if he interacts with your pussy. Yes, and that's why he wants me to shave it. Okay, well, do you have any objections to shaving your pussy? I guess not. I mean, I'm just worried that my pussy. would get cold. Well, I don't think your pussy would get cold, child, if you're wearing undergarments and the like. Why would I be wearing undergarments when I shave my pussy? Well, not well you're shaving

your pussy, but after you shave your pussy, you'll put your underpants around it and pull your jeans up. Wouldn't that suffocate my pussy? Well, no. Cloth will help your pussy breathe and... How will I feed my pussy if I've got underpants on its head? me? Well, if I put underpants around my pussy's face and then pull jeans over his head, how can my pussy eat? What do you mean your pussy eat? Well, it has to eat. Mr. Fudgels has to eat. Who the hell is Mr. Fudgels? That's the name of my cat? Excuse me? My pussy cat. Are we talking about your vagina or your pussy?

Ew, I would never talk about my vagina. Ew, that's disgusting. Okay, I thought we were talking about you shaving your vagina because your boyfriend doesn't like it, and he's allergic to it. No, he's allergic to my pussycat that I bought at the Humane Society for $4.99 because they were going to kill it and gas it. So now Mr. Fudgel says, I don't need to hear about a Humane Society fucking pet adoption. Are we talking about your vagina or not? No, why don't you talk about your own vagina, you pig? Okay, hang up on this big. Excuse me?

Why don't... Why don't I come over and show you my pussy and you... I'm not here to talk about pets, okay? My boyfriend has a weiner dog that's spoiled. Hang up on this fucking idiot. What did you call me? I'll come down there with my pussy and... Hang up on this fucking idiot.

Okay, please don't call with pet problems. I'm a life coach. And this is a... about helping you with your let's just we'll see you next time I'm Dr. Debbie Timer your life coach

hang up on that fucking idiot wow she's just kind of rude she gets some interesting calls but any of you out there get the old pet

allergies are you allergic to cats or dog or ferrets or parrots. It's kind of a bummer. I have a cat allergy. I can't be around cats. It's an amazing thing what happens. And I guess they say the source of it is the dander from a cat.

And God bless me if I know what dander is. I think it's some kind of microscopic thing that comes off of the cat's skin or through the fur, a combination of both. But whatever it is, it gets in your eyes, it gets in your throat, it gets in your nose. And what happens is if you're allergic to cats the way I am, just being in a room where there's a cat, or what really sets it off is touching the cat and then touching your face.

If you stroke a cat and then rub your eye or touch your nose, nose or your mouth, forget it. Or even if you're sitting on a couch or a piece of furniture that the cat frequents, all that dander and just whatever it is, a cat emits that causes the discomfort of a cat allergy, it's there. And I got to tell you, man, there's nothing worse. I remember there's a few instances back in the day when, you know, it was on the dating scene and you know I'd go over to a girl's house and I'm like oh man this is going to be good you

know she's beautiful we're young we're vibrant we're godlike our bodies are thin and tone and who knows what's going to happen tonight meow and then meow is right you're sitting on her couch and you kind of start snuggling and all of a sudden you're you're you're your throat starts to get itchy and and then all of a sudden your nose is running a bit and she's like, are you okay? You know, no, I'm fine. Everything's cool.

Okay, do you have the flu or something? No, I'm great. Well, yeah, you seemed great about 20 minutes ago. Yeah, I'm great. Why are you crying? Oh, no, my eyes are just watery. Why are they watery? Oh, I saw an onion.

What? Why are you, what is in, did you swallow an onion? What is in your throat? Nothing, nothing is all. What, nothing's wrong with my throat. Okay, why is your nose all stuffy all of a sudden? I don't know what you're talking about. Come on, let's make out and let's get frisky.

I'm sorry, I'm not going to make out with Droopy the dog. Well, I don't know why. And then you see the damn cat walk out, and it just stares at you on the couch, and you almost swear it winked at you, almost as if to say, I screwed your night up, Lovell. You won't be fundling my master tonight.

Your greasy hands won't be getting to third or fourth base with my master tonight. She has some cans of cat food to open. I must be fed. I flake my dander on you. I guess I gotta go. But we just got here. Yeah, you're right.

I do have the flu. I'm not feeling so well. And then you're out of there, man. It's like your nose is running, your eyes are running, your ears are stuffed, your lips are puffed up, Your throat is scratchy. It's just a nightmare. So whatever you cats are doing, or if any of you girls out there are worried about guys that are too aggressive, too frisky on the first day,

just make sure you bring them back to their house and make sure you rub that cat all over them. Won't be long till they're gone. Trust me, I know I'm a victim of pussy dander. Oh, mercy. Do you, Margaret Smith, take this man to be your lawful wedded husband? Yes, I do. And do you, Daryl Smith, take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife? Yes, I do.

Wait a minute. Okay, what's that scenario? You know what I'm talking about? Marriage fat? Uh-huh You know what happens You've seen it People are really hot when they get married

Right They walk down the aisle In that tight white dress That wedding dress You're just undressing them with your eyes Pitching them on the honeymoon Legs in the air Hello

And the dudes are usually Slim and trim and looking hot And then about Three months after the man Oh, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Look at me, I'm a big fat slob. I've got bigger titties than you did. Yeah, you've seen it before.

You know, the hot girl suddenly starts to have, like, pungy little cheeks and her sweet little smooth legs. Suddenly there's these little dents in them and a little cellulite. She's just starting to look a little chubbier. And you're not doing too good yourself there, senor. You got a little roll coming over your belt buckle. I've not seen my Willie in two years, which is long enough to declare legally thieves. You stop going to the gym because I'm married, man.

I got to spend time with the wife, right? I got to take her out to dinner. We've got to eat. Get in my belly. I've got to feed my family. I'm the provider. I provide the food. The sustenance that keeps us alive.

Basket robins. Chunky cheese. Burger King McDonald's. Yeah, you're keeping them alive, all right. You just want to go to that drive-thru, chubby. I'm dead sexy. You're a clap. Oh, yeah.

It's a dilemma, man. It can be a heartbreaker. When your new wife or husband turns into son-of-flubber, oh, man. Come on, people. Keep it slim. Eat a few power bars. the gym, show a little love, you sweet, sweet, sexy newlyweds, here on the Harlan Highway.

Oh, yeah, it happens, it happens. It's kind of a crime, too. It's almost like, you know, if it happens soon after the wedding, I can see if it happens like years after the wedding, after maybe you've had some kids and blah, blah, but if it happens within that first year or two years man uh it's almost like getting a lemon car right it's like you get it home and it runs good for the first little bit but then all these things start breaking down and bursting and popping and that's exactly what your new uh bride or groom is doing and you're just kind of like um Man, till death do us part, really? With this guy, with this girl, oh, God.

Well, there you go. Try and keep it in check. If not for yourself, do it for your partner, you know. And speaking of keep it in check, I just checked the time, and we are out of time, people. My goodness, it goes fast. but I feel like we covered a lot today. We had a great show, a lot of topics. Thank you for your phone calls.

Keep them coming at 888, 500, 2090. Love hearing from you, all the travelers down the highway. And don't forget, if you want to see yours truly in concert, I am going to be in Tampa, Florida, Thursday, January 27th, through the 30th. So that's coming up real soon. Make sure you get your tickets in advance. Tampa, Florida, the improv, January 27th through the 30th.

And you can go to Harlandwilliams.com. Click on my comedy stand-up schedule, and you will find the showtimes, tickets, dates, all that stuff. Don't forget you can hear the highway on Stitcher. If you have a cell phone, just go to Stitcher.com. You can get a free app, and you'll be able to download the Harland Highway on your mobile device. Don't forget, fudgy-wudgey-Fudgeface is now available on Amazon.com. You can rent it or buy it.

It's all digital. It's all a download. You don't have to worry about anything being mailed to you. It's all done through your computer. You can finally have Fudgy Wudgy Fudge Face, my indie movie that I wrote and directed. It's pretty crazy. Just go to Amazon.com and look around for it. And we'll be looking for you next time right here on the Harlan Highway.

Thanks again, folks. And as always, chicken chau-main, baby. Look at me, I'm a big fat slob. I've got bigger titties than you did. Thank you.