The Harland Highway - PODCAST 220

Episode Date: January 21, 2011

Gum chewing, strange habits, comedian Gene Pompa drops by, and the ever annoying Dr. Ascot. Friday Night fun bags!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to the podcast, California. Such a lovely place, such a lovely place, such a lovely face. Such a lovely face. What? No, there's no face on a podcast. I guess if this podcast were to have a face, it would be me because it's called the Harlan Highway, and I'm Harlan Williams, your host. Welcome to the Harlan Highway.

Why am I so hyper? I guess I'm excited because we have a fun, great show for you today. I don't know if you listen in your car while you're walking your dog, while you're making love. I hope that's when you listen to the highway. But wherever you are, we're going to have some fun today. My friend comedian, Gene Pompa, is back. I love this guy.

Very funny stand-up comedian. We're here chit-chatting about his life and just his take on the world. I love it. We're going to be talking about your habits. Do you have weird habits, little quirky habits and rituals that you do around the house during the day, during the night in your life? Here's a habit I don't like. We'll be talking about gum chewing.

We're going to get into the whole gum chewing phenomenon. And then something I hate even more, Dr. Ascot. It's Friday. I got to talk to him, but right now I'm talking to you here on the Harlan. Highway! Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hi, I'm Jackie want to play? Please go away and leave me alone.

You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Keep it going. Love the show. You're hilarious. My blanche! My blue blanket. Give me my little blanket.

Passing your seat. You're riding down the Harlan Highway. It's the Harlan Highway. Haarland Highway. Have you checked the children? Hi. Welcome to the Harlem Highway. And you ever talk to someone who chews gum a lot?

Like they never stop chewing right in your face. And you just want to kill them? Kind of like the way you want to kill me right now. You wouldn't hit a guy with gum in his mouth, would you? Go ahead, punch your radio. Come on. I'm chewing gumming your radio. Punch it.

Oh, I could just chew all day. But I won't torture you. I lied. Okay, I'm stopping now. No, I really am. I've stopped. Believe me, it's annoying. It's just as annoying for you to hear that as it is for me to even do it.

And I guess I was just, you know, stressing a point there that people who chew gum, and don't really do it in a subtle way can drive you insane man what the hell is gum anyways who came up with gum isn't I don't even know where gum comes from

isn't it from a tree is it from a gum tree like was some guy wishing in life that he was a beaver and he's like man I'm going to go chew down that pine tree I'm going to go chew down that spruce tree I'm going to go chew down

boy wait a minute what's this tree I can't seem to bite through it I just keep chewing it I can't cut it down I don't know how to gum get it get started. Some guy break a branch off a tree's hiking through the woods. I'm hungry. Think I'll eat a tree. Snap. Why can't I digest this branch? Can't seem to put a toothmark in it. I don't know. Does anyone know? Call me. Tell me. Help me. 888-52090. Where the hell does

gum come from and what do you do with your gum are you one of these people that when you're finished your gum you find a little piece of paper and put it in the gum and then some people actually fold it like they're doing origami or it's like they're sticking a letter and then okay i put the gum in the paper fold over the right side fold over the left side fold over the top there's a little gum bomb you know put it in the trash or you're you you one of these gum guys like i don't want to chew this anymore you just spit it on the sidewalk that's where you see all those little black spots all over the sidewalk looks like a the back of a leopard it's like the sidewalk is like a leopard skin rug there's so many black pieces of gum on

it are you one of these people that stick it under your chair or wedge it up underneath the edge of a table or you reach under the table and you find the trim under there and you jam it in the corner underneath it's funny the weird places the gum shows up or do you go in the public bathroom and stick it on the wall i don't know it's weird because it just stays there forever i think gum is probably holding up half of the structures in the world just people accidentally stick their gum on things and it prolongs their life because suddenly they've got that extra seal that extra support that flexibility it's like how come that skyscraper didn't fall down when all the other ones did in the earthquake well that's because they chew a bunch of gum in that

place and i guess people stick the gum all over the building oh okay i see made it real flexible like yeah that's right dumbass what'd you call me dumbass how'd you know my last name and then there's bubble gum right right you blow these big bubble bubble what's the point of blowing bubbles human beings walking around blowing bubbles out of their face hey bubble face my name's dumbass sorry

um I don't know it's kind of fun blowing bubbles it's relaxing although it can be annoying when people snap them right they pop the bubbles you ever do one of those huge bubbles it and then it pops all over your face and suddenly you look like a zombie or you look like you've been in a fire you've got like this wrinkled pink layer of skin all over your face oh my god it's freddie kruger no it's just bumbleicious man what the hell

Oh, well, I think I'm going to go get some gum and think about all this. See if I can get my thoughts to stick together. Actually, better yet, why don't we do this? I've had this guy in, you know, over the last days and weeks. I love this guy. He makes me laugh. Let's get him in here. Mr. Jean Pampa, one of the funniest guys in the U.S.

You've seen him on the Conan O'Brien show. You've seen his special on Comedy Central. We got him right here, right now. How you doing, Gene? I'm actually not doing good. I'm not doing that good right now. My friend got mad at me. I was house-sitting for him.

Yeah. And I guess he's a big Star Trek fan, whatever. And I didn't know that. And I took one of his Star Trek coffee mugs, right? And I put it in a microwave. And 30 seconds later, it disenfranchised. appeared. You transported it.

I didn't know you're not, I didn't know that, I didn't know that. Oh, no. Yeah, and I was house sitting. Then he got mad because his girlfriend came over. Yeah. So then I started a girlfriend sitting. Wait, what's that mean girlfriend's set? Well, I thought he, like, he said, take care of the house, you know.

Yeah. And, uh, clean it up real nice. I did. And then this girlfriend came over and she looked a little dirty. Oh. So I cleaned her. Oh my. God, I think...

But I didn't have any cleaner. You might have gone over the line, Gene. Oh, I shouldn't elect her? See, that's over the line. You can't... You can't house sit. You can't girl sit. I didn't...

They didn't even say anything. And then I started pet sitting, and I think that's what freaked them out. What'd you do to the pet? Cleaned it. Oh, God, Gene. His cat won't go anywhere near me. Oh, sad. Do you have your own pets?

I have a crocodile. Wow. Where do you... keep that. I gave it in my bathroom. And what's its name? Skunky? Wait a minute. You got a crocodile in your bathtub. Where do you keep clean? Actually, I have two crocodiles in the bathtub. Two. Who's the other one? Skunky and Mario? Mario. What, I don't get it. What are you doing with giant reptiles, man-eating reptiles in your bathtub? I'm mating. They're mating. Oh, they're mating. I'm mating them, yeah.

So you're starting like a reptile farm or something? Yeah, and I have these two crocodiles, and sometimes when they're mating, I'll poke them with a stick. You know, how come am I poking with a stick? Why? I'm a crock blocker. I'm a crock blocker. I'm a big old crockbocker. Gene Pompah on the Harland Highway.

Oh, I love Gene. He's a crock blocker, people. You get it? You get it? So, you know, if you're a crocodile and you're listening to the highway, which I know you are, just be aware that Gene Pomp is out there and he will mess up your intimate moments. He's a big old crock blocker, man. That should be a reality show on the Discovery Channel.

Gene Pompter is the crock blocker. Crikey! I was sneaking through the bush and I saw these two crocs. having sexual intercourse on the bank. I snuck up on him, and just as the male crock was about to explode, I jumped out from behind a eucalyptus tree, and I was like, boo! Crikey, I'm a cock. I'm a crock blocker.

Oh, man. Well, we'll have to get Gene in here some more. I hope you enjoyed them. Check out his, uh, his, you know, the whole litany of internet things. You know what they are, MySpace, Facebook, all that stuff. And speaking of crock blocking, how about sock blocking?

And here's what I'm getting at. You ever wake up in the morning and you're getting ready and you look down at the floor and you go, oh, there's my socks. because I don't know if you're like me. I'll wear a pair of socks for two days before I throw them in the laundry, right? I'll put them on on a Monday morning.

I'll take them off, throw them on the floor, put them on again Tuesday, and then that's it. After that, they're in the laundry, right? But what I notice is when they're laying on the floor, for some reason your socks, they kind of take on the shape of your feet. so if you throw them in a pile on the floor you pick them up and it's like they still bend right your socks still bend left and right you can actually see which foot was in which sock

so you hold your socks up and you try to go wait a minute was this one but because it's fabric by the time you lift them up they change a bit and not that it should matter but maybe it's just me Maybe it's obsessive, compulsive, or whatever it is. I'm like, wait, was this sock on my right foot or my left foot? Which way is this one bending? Are the toes going in or out on this sock? Wait, wait, I don't want to put the wrong sock on the wrong foot. That would be madness.

And then I'm like, what the hell do I care? It's a sock. It's a piece of cloth that'll go any way I want it to go. The socks aren't going to boss me around. I'm a sock blocker. I'll do what I want. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy.

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It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you deserve. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Isn't that weird? Does anyone else go through that stupid ritual? Maybe it's just me. I don't know. It's one of those

weird little things in life. Well, let's see. My socks are the right one's bending to the right and the left. Let's put the socks on right.

I don't know. Let me know. Do you have any weird little quirky little things that you do like that that maybe most people wouldn't? If you want to reveal any of your quirky little rituals

that are just, innocent and meaningless but you know they're probably just things that you do that nobody else does like you maybe have to pick a pot up with a certain pair of oven mitts or you know you when you do your laundry you have to do it a certain way or you put your toothbrush in a certain spot every night because you don't want the tooth fairy to come i don't know but i always find stuff like that amusing. If you want to share any of your quirky little habits or rituals, give us a call 888, 52090. Let's get a whole bunch of them and we'll put them on the podcast for you. I think it could be fun to hear what silly absurd things people do. And speaking of silly and absurd,

oh, God, it's Friday. I don't even think this is silly. absurd i just think it's annoying i hate it i have to see my on-air therapist it's mandated it comes from the top down my boss dug featherstone insisted i do it because they think i'm a liability blah blah blah so let's get it over with here we go it's friday and it's time for me to meet with dr ascot hello allant hello dr Ascot. How are you today, Arland? I'm doing good, I guess. What are we doing today? Today, Arland, I want to revert back to your water birth. What are you talking about? I looked at your birth records, Arland, and it turns out you're a water baby. A water baby? Your mother gave birth to you in water. You splashed out into the world under water like a fish. oh yeah i you know what now that you say that i remember my mother telling me about that yeah it was one of those things where they uh i was in the bathtub and there was a uh a a wet nurse or whatever they're called

a i don't know a home nurse thing yes alland i know what you're referring to and uh yeah i was born in the bathtub in the water and that's what i'd like to touch on today alland Well, what do you mean? I'd like to revert back to when you were a child. I'd like you to take some large steps backwards and talk to me about your feelings of when life was simpler, when you saw life through the eyes of a child, Arland. Oh, well, okay, that actually sounds like it could be kind of pleasant and refreshing.

Exactly, Arland. So why don't we start at the beginning? Okay. Do you remember the first time that your mother ever told you, she loved you, Arland? Uh, God. Probably not, but maybe not the first time, but maybe, the first time maybe I remembered it was maybe when I was five. Okay, and what did she say? She said, uh, I love you, Harland. And then what did you say? Uh, then I said, I, I love you too, Mommy. You're the best mommy ever. Okay, that's wrong, Arland.

What do you mean it's wrong? That's not how an underwater baby would sound. Excuse me? I want you to say it again, but now say it as if you are still underwater. A little bald baby bubbling around underwater. What are you talking about? I want you to say you love your mother, but as a water baby, I don't know how to do that, Dr. Ascot.

Just pretend you're under water, Arland. What? Try it. Okay. I love you, Mommy. You're the best mummy ever. Excellent, Alan, excellent, see. Wow, that's, that was kind of interesting.

Exactly, Arland. You remember the first. time your father congratulated you and called you a good boy. Yes, I do. Let's hear it, but underwater is a water baby. Okay, my dad said, congratulations. I had just thrown a pitch in at a baseball game, and we got an out, and my dad ran out on to the field.

He goes, congratulations. Pardon me. Arlen, you're a good little boy. You, daddy loves you. Excellent, Arland. Water baby. Yeah, this is good. Wow. I kind of like this.

It's making me feel relaxed and... Excuse me? You heard me, Arlen. What was that noise? What was that? I farted, Arland. What do you mean you farted? I passed gas, Arland.

Why would you do that? Just when I'm feeling good. Because a part of being a water baby means that when your mother gave birth underwater, she probably blew some noxious gases out of her fallopian tubes, causing underwater fart babies, we call them. Oh, my God. Yes, that's right, Arlen, you see.

You won't the only baby in the... water that day. There was some underwater fart bubble babies. Oh, God. Are you out of your mind? I want you to talk to your brothers and sisters, the fart bubble babies.

The fart bubble babies are my brothers and sisters. They all came out at the same time, Arland. Are you crackers? Alon, talk to your brothers and sisters. I don't know how to talk. What was that? That's how you talk to your

brothers and sisters, the underwater fart babies. Would you quit making those noises? Cut it out. Let me hear you talk to your brothers and sisters. Oh, God, what, like... No, do it like your underwater,

Arland. Oh. Hello, brother, then. Excellent, Arland, that was your sister. Now say hello to your underwater fart bubble brother. You got... Do it, Arland.

Hello, little brother. How are you? Excellent, Arland. Now I want you and your fart bubble friends to play double duchy. What are you talking about? I want you to skip with your fart bubble brothers and sisters. What do you mean, skip? That's what children knew.

They skip. I don't have a skipping rope. Pretend you are jumping around on your mother's smashed up for low. too. Get out of here. Stop making those noises. It's your brother and sister calling. They want to play double dutchy. Get out of here! Good Lord! What the hell is wrong with a fart bubble brothers? You and your fart bubble friends. The hell is wrong with that idiot. Maybe I should just start uh you know enjoying the sessions and laughing at this guy it's hard because he's so damn

intense he's like takes everything so damn serious he sucks me into his stupid little world god it just gets worse it gets worse and worse and worse um well anyway if there's anything you want to get off your chest don't forget you can call at uh 888 5 5 2090 and leave your thoughts and opinions and stories and jokes and ideas, whatever you want. You can leave me a silly, kooky message if you want. If we like them, we put them on the show. And don't forget, if you want to get in on the cause to help stop shark finning, you can write to us at Save a Shark at Gmail.com.

and we will in return send you a cover letter that targets a restaurant somewhere in the states that serves shark fin soup and we're doing all this in an effort to try and stop this horrible, horrible process. If you want to learn more about finning, you can look online or I recommend you watch a movie called Shark Water. and don't forget fudgy wudgy fudge face my indie movie is now available at amazon.com you can rent or buy it it's just a download so there's no physical transaction it's just it's all digital

but if you do want a physical copy of the movie you can you can certainly buy one at the web store harlormilliams.com and enjoy that. Now, if you want to come see the kid, if you want to come see the kid in action, I will be doing stand-up comedy all next weekend,

the 27th through the 30th of January in Tampa, Florida, the improv. It is a great club. I got to say it's one of my favorite clubs in the country to do stand-up. It's a really cool venue. and I think you'll love it. I have a riot there, so don't forget that's the 27th through the 30th of January at the Tampa Improv. Go to my website, click on the Harland stand-up schedule there, and you can get all the information you need.

But enough of that, chit-chat. Let's get back to my hilarious. Larry is friend and comedian Gene Pompah. Uh, Gene, what's going on, man? How are you, buddy? I'm doing very well. Thank you for asking. God, you look well.

Oh, thank you. Yeah, I just, uh, I just got back from the mall. I went shopping. I got a new wardrobe. So you were shopping? I picture you just kind of standing by a fountain and looking at people. No, man. You know what made me matter?

I have to get some new boots, right? Yeah. Because my boots are getting really thrashed. I'm telling you something. I can't believe how difficult to. is the final pair of men's classic black boots with just a little bit of a high heel and an open toe. I can't find those anywhere. I went everywhere and no one had those. Oh. I think the Prada or...

Now, you're one of these guys that always dress as well. Absolutely. Absolutely. You know where I went, I'll tell you something. You know what I was good clothes now is J.C. Pennies? And I, because I went to J.C. P. P.S. to get my boots? Yeah. Oh, so they had them? Well, no, they didn't have them. But you know, if they do have in sight, J.C. Pennies is a Starbucks coffee shops inside.

Yeah, seriously. I went, and then I went to a Walmart. Yeah. Inside, they had a McDonald's. Inside that McDonald's, they opened up a Burger King. In the McDonald's. Yeah, and inside that Burger King, there was a photo mat. Inside that photo mat, there's a JC Pennings with a Starbucks inside.

Wow. That was ridiculous. Well, it probably saved you time. It did save a little time, but I still haven't found my boots. Oh, what are they called? Maybe I can put a shout out and help you locate the boots. Is there a name for them? Italian, are they?

They're actually half Mexican and half German. Interesting. They're called Biedersnitzels. Nothing keeps your feet warmer than branded footwear. Then Biener's Nitzels. Speaking of fashion, it's no secret. You're one of the few comics that splits his time between touring and working the catwalk and things like that.

I do Milan. I've done Bucharest. Yeah. Budapest. Uh-huh. And Burbank. Burbank. And do you have your own line?

I mean, most designers have their own line. What's the Jean-Pompa line look like? We have Pompilicious. That's our ready-to-wear. Shirts, scarves, and Q-tips. Also, we have like a line of a lot of it. accessories. Designer stuff. Oh, designer Q-tips? Yeah. Well, that's cool. That's legal. Gene Pompah and his heritage and his fashion line and his new shoes here on the Harland Highway. Oh, God. I love it.

I think the joke is there. Once you physically see what Gene looks like, the very notion of picturing him strutting down a catwalk will make you. do two things. It'll make you laugh really hard and also feel like throwing up. Oh, I love that guy. We got to get Gene on the highway more often. I'm going to call

them next week and, you know, get his bumpy butt back up here. Wow. And speaking of stand-up, let me tell you one more time just quickly. Yours truly, Harlan Williams, will be live at the Tampa Improv. Don't forget these dates. January 27th through the 30th. Go to Harlow Williams.com or Improv.com for all the

information. Hope to see you there. And thank you for being here today. Hope you enjoyed yourself. Hope you're doing great. Keep on smiling. Keep on laughing. And until next time, my friends, Chicken. Chow-Mame, baby. A ham sandwich.