The Harland Highway - PODCAST 221

Episode Date: January 24, 2011

Listener mail, cruise ships, award shows, zebra hunting, celebrity karaoke. Swollen blueberry buns!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Greetings and salutations, everybody. Welcome, welcome, welcome to the Harland Highway. Great to have you bored for another startling podcast. Why is it startling? I don't know. I just thought it was a catchy word, and it would hook you in. It's the award show season, folks, so we're going to be getting into that. We're going to be talking about all the endless award shows that go on.

And then more important than that, we're going to get to your mailbag, right? You know how I get you guys to write me letters at harlomwilliams.com? Well, today we're going to read some of your mail, go over it, talk about it, discuss. It's going to be fun. Thank you in advance for those letters. We're going to be discussing cruise ships. Have you ever been on a cruise out on the ocean? Not my favorite thing.

I'll be talking about that. And then something else that isn't my favorite thing. hunting. Some guy shot some zebra in California. Huh? There's zebra in California? We'll get to that story. Pretty ridiculous. And then a celebrity is going to drop by and sing some karaoke music for us today. I won't give it away. It's going to be fun. It's going to be hip. It's going to be cool. I can't wait. But then isn't it always that way right here on the Harland Highway? Welcome to the Harland Highway Hi, I'm Jackie want to play

Please go away and leave me alone You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway Man, keep it going Love the show, you're hilarious My blanche! My blue blanket! Give me my little blanket! Passing your seat there You're riding down the Harlan Highway

It's the Holland Highway Have you checked the children Guess what time of year it is, folks? It's like that crazy time of year they call award season You know where all the actors and actresses And theater people get on TV and stroke themselves I mean, remember the old days when it was just the Oscars And the real movie stars came out, the legitimate stars, the Gregory Pecks and the Orson Wells and the Henry Fonda's and the Cagney's and the Maryland Monroe's and you know what I'm talking about.

That was it. And now they got all these award shows. First they got the Oscars where, you know, I'd say a quarter of the stars in the Oscars are still. big stars. I mean, you got your Tom Hanks, your Sean Penns, your Nicholson's still around, you know, but there's a lot of them that are kind of, I don't know, they came off of a TV show, or they're from Saturday Night Live, or, I mean, come on. But then we got the Golden Globe Awards, we got the SB Awards, we got the MTV Awards, we got the People's Choice Awards, we got I mean, what is there a good?

Should we have an award for the janitor? He works in my building? It was just too many awards shows. There should just be one big award show. Best actor, best actress, best movie, best video star, best football catch of the year, best Golden Globes, if you're so endowed. Here's your awards.

Now leave us alone for the rest. of the year. Don't you know we're busy? We're busy listening to the award-winning Harlan Highway. Hello! It's Harlan Williams. Heaven's to Mergatroyd. Let's see what the mail bringer. Give them. Letters. Oh, we get letters. We get your letters every day. Mail, mail. Mailman, mail today, reach right in and pull one out. Those letters, I love those letters, let's find out what you've got to say. Oh, boy.

Mailman, mail today. Oh, yes, yes, it's that time again, boys and girls, to get to some of your mail that you've been sending in, your listener mail. I haven't forgotten it. You can write to me at harlomwilliams.com, and let's get right into it. This first email to the Harland Highway, quite interesting, it's from Herschel, and it says,

Hello, Harland, my name is Herschel. I live in Cincinnati. Also, I am a robot. Bleep, Blorp, Bip, Bop. I have processed your comedy in my computer after downloading your podcast in my hard drive, and I have calculated that you are funny man. I eat

motor oil and nuts and bolts because I am a robot. Beep Blorp. Well, all I can say to that is Yeah, you know what I'm talking about her. You know, no one else knows, but you know.

All right, let's move along here. Let's grab another letter. Here's one from Jordan. Okay, Jordan says, Harland, love the highway, makes a boring day at work go by so much faster. I always look forward to getting into work and throwing on the headphones.

P.S. Cinnamon Boy makes my nutsack tingle with joy. I need to hear more from that young man. Okay. I'll make sure we get more cinnamon boy up here in the future. Got to keep Jordan's nut sack tingling. Let's move along to your letters. Let's see. Here's a letter from Lucy Neville.

Lucy Neville writes, You made my night, Mr. Williams. All alone and high, I was feeling pretty down in the dumps. Half-Bake came on, B-E-T, and it put a huge, smile on my face. You should come to Wakuggean, Illinois. I know I didn't say that right. Wakagi gone, I don't know, some funny little town in Illinois, and hang out for my birthday. You are really just plain awesome, right up there with Peewee Herman and Jurassic Park. Wow. I'm somewhere in between a guy that never got over being a dementia.

school boy and a flesh-eating monster-sized predator. Love it. I always knew I was right up there with Jurassic Park. All right, enough of this self-doting. Let's move on. Here is a letter from Leah M. No last name, just Leah M. Subjects swearing, cussing, and stuff.

Dear Harland, although I have been a fan for years, I'm fairly new to your podcast. I am not a prude or religious or have a problem with profanity, but I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate your podcast being swear-free, at least the ones I have listened to so far. I recently drove across the state of North Carolina and was able to have your podcast playing in the minivan with the kids, no problem. Except for the part about Charles Manson, we had to speed through that one.

But like I said, I don't usually have a problem with swearing, but it seems to me that for those truly funny or talented, they don't need to use it. And that's not just me blowing smoke up your fucking ass. She forced me to swear. She had to write that rate at the end. And then it says, thanks, Leah M. Well, you got me.

You got me there. And thank you for that letter, Leah, because I do go out of my way to keep it clean. I know that might not be the trendy thing to do or the hip thing to do, but, you know, I agree with you. I think too much profanity, too much swearing, I don't know. It just, I don't know that you need it. And not to say I don't use it,

because if you ever listen to when Dr. Debbie Timer comes on the show, you know, the life coach character that comes in for, a visit now and then she swears her ass off okay she's she's a got truck driver mouth but i'd say 99.9% of the harland highway we try to keep it clean um just have fun and uh i'm glad you enjoy it i'm glad your kids can listen to it i'm glad your parents can hear it and uh again thank you for tricking me into swearing right at the end of your email and on that note let's Move along. All right, here's a letter from Veronica Rossi.

Dear, dear Harland. Hi, Harland. I still love your show, but you mix two words together. You said, ambiguous, a cross between ambiguous and ubiquitous. Get it right. You need a smart, hot girlfriend like me. Well, hell, man, if all I got to do to get a hot... hot, smart girlfriend is not talk with words right and stuff like, then I'm like talking

not good for purpose on for real like. But yes, on a serious note you got me. I do tend to do that sometimes. Everything here is non-scripted. I literally make it up as I go. It's very, very rare that I write anything down, even when I'm doing the skits and the characters, and it's usually just a one take. And so sometimes in the heat of me motoring away at a million miles an hour, I mix my words up or I stumble on a word, but I like the purity. I like the purity of just going for broke and not going back and fixing things. And so if you do hear a little faux now and then

Veronica Rossi it's because I'm just going a million miles an hour down the highway. Okay let's to the next letter get we All right what do we got here? This is from

Jacob M. Jacob M. Okay, the subject is music. Big fan just wanted to say that a while back on your podcast you had Mr. McGu singing, you shook me all night long by ACDC, and I have to say that was the funniest thing I've ever heard. I think there should be a Mr. Magoo karaoke session on the podcast.

Thanks. Keep on, keep on, sir. Well, Jacob, that is a very, very funny idea. And I think you're right. And maybe later, in today's podcast, we can get Mr. Magoo to come out and sing some karaoke. thank you for that letter let's take one more and then we'll fold up the

the old airbag see I just did it I just did it Veronica Massey or whatever your name is I just screwed up instead of mailbag I said airbag am I going to go back and change it will I edit it out no

I'm keeping it real in the deal let's get to one more letter and then we'll fold it all up until the next time Here we go. This letter is from John, and John's subject is murder. Hmm, okay, comment.

Nice job with murder of crows. My favorite group name is Parliament of Owls. Ah, nice get, John. I don't know if you folks remember a while back. I did a whole segment on when you get a flock of crows. It's not called a flock. It's called a murder of crows. just like a herd of deer

or a pot of whales. It's a murder of crows. And I guess John dug that segment and he topped me I guess when a bunch of owls get together, it's called a parliament of owls. And I guess that's how they govern

the country over in the UK in merry old England. A bunch of owls sit around the House of Parliament and who at each other. I say a madam speaker, who! Well, I say to you, good sir. And I retort with a large, healthy,

whew-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo. Excellent. Let's break for lunch and go and swoop with some mice. All right. Well, thank you, John. Thank you, everybody. It's time to close up the mailbag here on the Harland Highway. Keep your letters coming.

Harlemwiliams.com. Look forward to hearing your thoughts. we'll get to some more as time goes on on the Harland Highway. Another letter from our listener's day. Hey everybody. Who wants to have better sex?

No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to

Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. thing. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Hey, it's Harlem Williams cruising down the Harland Highway with you. And speaking of cruising, I went on one man, and it is a weird sensation. You know what I'm talking about? The Carnival cruise lines or the Norwegian cruise lines or one of those giant boats, you know, one of those

boats that's the size of like the Empire State Building laying down the middle of the ocean tossing around in the ocean imagine you were at a mall and somehow the mall got transported onto the top of the ocean and you were floating across from uh California to Hawaii in a mall minus the parking lot you're just in there with all these mall people spandex and shorts and flip-flops and Hawaiian shirts and sunburns. I mean, that's what these big cruise boats are, man. They're like floating malls. They got casinos in them, and they got restaurants, and they got stores,

and they got bars, and they got lounges, and they got card rooms, and they got buffets, and they got swimming pools. It's bizarre, man. It's a floating mall. The only difference is in a mall. you pass people that's the last time you ever have to see them you get on a cruise man oh hi again don't have anything to say it's the day five and i've already talked to you and i've talked to you and you and you i got nothing to say to you and oh god here comes that other person you know you're just trapped

it's a bizarre sensation man i guess if you get go too crazy you can just jump over the side Can't do that at a mall Oh my god There's not enough sails in here Oh my god The pottery barns all out of plate Oh I'm jumping I'm gonna jump

I guess when you're in a mall There's no no fear of hitting an iceberg Or getting rammed by a whale Oh Girl hold on everybody Macy's his been hit hold on they're attacking jacie pennies hey everybody starboard bound oh man don't get mallsick do you you'd see sick i don't know i've never never gotten queasy and throwing up over the side of a mall

although i'd like to some of the people you see wandering around there at the food court Oh my God He just had another Arby's and a dozen donuts Look at that disgusting slob Land ho Highway Ho Well here's something If you don't want to go on a cruise

You can just do from wherever you are I want to mention another podcast I want to give a little endorsement To another podcast that's out there In the podcast world and this is for those of you that are dog lovers. There's a podcast out there called, and this thing's all about dogs.

It's called Deb Nab, The Mutt Matcher. Deb is the host of the show, and you can download the podcast at Deb's website. It's The Muttmatcher.com. You can also find it on iTunes. And it's a show all about dogs and people being interviewed about their dogs, and dog advice and dog do's and don'ts and dog do-does and dog don'ts.

One of them you don't want in your house, the other one you probably don't want in your house either. And if you live in the Denver area, you can actually listen on Sundays at 4 p.m. on Denver's talk station, 630, K-H-O-W. and you can check out the Muttmatcher. And there's training tips and there's all kinds of stuff. You can even go on YouTube and watch the Mutt Matcher Minute and you can catch some of Deb's training tips on there. So just a little food for thought. I know a lot of you folks listening, love your animals, love your dogs.

And this is a great little podcast that I know you'll enjoy. and get some good old-fashioned learnings and entertainment from the muttmatcher at the muttmatcher.com. And speaking of animals, you know, some people are just dip craps when it comes to animals. There was a story in the paper. I don't know if you caught this or not. but the William Randolph Hearst Mansion is north of Los Angeles. It's, I don't know, it's a good hour, hour and a half drive. You get out of Los Angeles, you get up past Santa Barbara,

and the coastline just kind of opens up. I think most people think that the coast of California is like Florida. It's all condos and townhouses and high rises. Well, it's not. Once you get kind of past Santa Barbara, it really opens up. and it's almost pretty much farmland and rugged coastline and it's almost pretty damn empty all the way up there, all the way to San Francisco. It's quite a beautiful drive.

But anyways, William Randolph Hearst was a huge newspaper mogul back in the day. The movie Citizen Kane was kind of based on his life loosely or not so loosely as Orson Wells found out. When the movie came out, Hurst tried to block the relationship. of the movie because he thought it was insulting because it was, you know, secretly about him. But anyways, this guy was one of the first huge power money guys in the United States. He made a killing in the publishing industry, newspapers, and just sick, mad money. So what he did is he bought this giant plot of land. I think it's something like, you know, 2,000, 3,000 acres or something of coastline.

okay up up where I was describing in uh in California here and he built this incredible gigantic mansion um and this thing is filled with gold and antiques and artwork and it's huge and it's very remote and to add to the uh kind of the ambiance to this exotic uh dwelling um hurst imported a whole bunch of wild animals from Africa. He brought in herds of draught and zebra and antelope and monkeys and parrots

and a whole menagerie of incredible wild animals. And I think he had camels and you name it. He had it out there. And as the years went on, you know, Randolph Hearst gave up the mansion. He signed it over to the state

and now it's a huge tourist attraction. I think it attracts something like three or four million visitors a year, some huge number. And you can tour this place, this magnificent place, and it's quite amazing. But what happened is they really

couldn't keep all the animals together. So over the years, they dwindled down, and there's a few animals left, but most of those being zebra. There's a bunch of zebra that still roam around in the fields around the Hearst Castle there.

And they're contained. I mean, they're fenced in, but every now and then the zebras wander off and get on to neighboring ranchland. And this happened just recently. Here's where the story kicks in. And it turns out three zebras kind of went beyond their boundaries, and they strayed quite innocently onto the neighbor's ranchland.

And the neighbor, being the dead, Dip-Wod that he is, pulled out his rifle, and shot two of them. Okay? And then it turns out another neighbor who he'd been talking to had a zebra go on his land, and he shot that one. So three beautiful zebra shot, and when they asked this guy why he did it, he said, oh, they were predators on his land. They're dangerous.

They're wild animals. I mean, hello. Do you know anyone who's recently been? mauled to death by a zebra. I wasn't aware zebras were predators. I've never seen a zebra stalking through the underbrush and

pulling down a deer and eating its flesh. They're grazers, you dumbass. They're not that much different from your stupid cows and your horses. So here's the real kicker. This guy, it turns out,

not only did he shoot them, but both these ranchers, guys. It turns out each of them took a carcass to a taxidermy place and got a rug made out of the zebras.

Now doesn't that call into question the whole I had a predator on my land? I mean it's just ridiculous and you know what the real underlying thing is, right? That's like a trophy zebra. If that was a zebra that wandered off from the

zoo or what? whatever, or it was a rogue zebra that somehow was flukily on his land. He won't have shot it. He wants to be one of those guys that goes, you see that there, that striped rug on my floor, right there in my cabin? Yeah, that's one of William Randolph Hersch's zebras. Shot that myself. Yeah, it's a top predator.

It was, it was charging at me with its fangs out and its claws, and I probably had about five seconds to live. before it was on my throat. But I had my wits about me that day, and I wasn't drinking my moonshine, and I put some lead right between its eyes. That's one zebra that'll never take the life of another innocent citizen. And now I have that carpet right there in front of my fireplace,

so I can eat my catfish, drink my whiskey, make love to my toothless woman. I mean, good Lord. You know the guy just wanted bragging right? I mean, how incredible is that that a beautiful species of animal, not even native to North America? And you have to admit,

zebras are stunning. I mean, just the incredible patterns that nature has provided on their coats. They're mesmerizing. They're just beautiful animals. Right to their mains. If you study a zebra's mane, you'll see even the hair in its mane

is segregated. It goes black white, black white, black white. It stands up straight. I mean, just the patterns that form around their eyes and down their snout and just spectacular specimens. You know, some of nature's finest. And this dumbass instead of going, my God, I have a zebra on my property. What a royal treat. Just how many other ranchers can say they have, zebra on their property. I certainly can. I certainly have bragging rights. Isn't that

enough? But this dip wad had to go out and shoot this poor innocent animal for eating some of its grass on his 7,000-acre ranch? Well, that's about 40 blades of grass, that little bastard eight. That'll be the last 40 you ever each, too. Oh, people, can't you be better to your critters? The only thing that can kind of take the edge off of this sad story is maybe some music, maybe some karaoke music, maybe some Mr. Magoo, karaoke music, Mr. Magoo, would you be willing to sing some karaoke for us, sir? Oh, yes, sir. absolutely what would you like me to sing sir well since we're talking about ranchers and horses and

zebras how about uh that song by america a horse with no name oh yes bring it on oh a horse with no name sure la la la sir la sir la la sir la sir la la la sir la la la sir la oh la la la la la la Oh, oh, my goo. La la, la, la, la, la. After two days in all the desert sun, my skin began to turn red. After three days in the desert fun, I was looking at a riverbed. Oh, my goo. Oh, you see, I've been through the desert on a horse with no name, sir.

It felt good to be out of the rain. In the desert, you can't remember your name, because there ain't no one, sir, to give you no pain, sir. La, la, la, la, la. La, la, oh, me, goo. You've la la la laud it again, sir. Oh, God. All right, there you go.

Oh, Mr. Magoo, karaokeing, an American rock classic. Horse with no name, zebra with no skin. Hope you had a good time here today. I loved having you here. Wow, whether you're on a horse or you're on foot or you're in your spaceship, whatever it is, keep on whaling down the Harland Highway with me. tell your friends about us. Don't forget, you can send letters to me at harlandwilliams.com, or if you want to leave a voicemail, you can call us at 888-500-2090. 8-88-500-2090.

I hope you had fun here today. I know I did, and until next time, as I dismount from my horse with no name, chicken, chow, Maine. You can't remember your name because there ain't no one thought to give you no faith. La-la-na-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-na-la. Thank you.