The Harland Highway - PODCAST 222

Episode Date: January 26, 2011

Scary new computer, Half Baked movie clip, Life Coach Dr. Debbie Thymer, Shark fin letters, people who talk too much, strange visotor to the studio. Black and blue red purples!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I see a podcast rising. I see trouble up ahead. Don't go around tonight. Wait a minute. Trouble up ahead? No, there's no trouble up ahead. It's good times up ahead on this podcast, okay? Hello, everybody.

It's me. Harland Williams, you're rolling down the Harland Highway. God, it's good to have you here. I just sucked your skin follicles. What? Anyways, we're already off to a confusing start. But we'll make up for it. The rest of the show should be just a dandy, a jim dandy.

We're going to be talking about shark finning. I got some exciting news. People have been responding to the call. We're going to be talking about people that talk too much. I'm going to be playing a clip for you from one of my movies. So I'll use stoners, sit by your podcast and get ready. Life Coach Dr. Debbie Timer will be in today with some advice. We're going to be talking about your fear of computers, computer fear,

and then an interesting visitor to the studio towards the end of the show. It's going to be fun. It's going to be illuminating. So turn a light on. You're on. The Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hi, I'm Jackie.

Want to play? Please go away and leave me alone. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Man, keep it going. Love the show. You're hilarious. My blue blanket.

Give me my blue blanket. Passing your seat. You're riding down the Harlan Highway. It's the Harland Highway. Have you checked the children? Hello Harland, my name is Debbie Aspern. I am a sick called Land Dolphin. I speak through a blowhole.

I am very sexy besides the fact I slurps you do my blowhole. Ever since I listened to your show I now live in fear of a bird flying into my blowhole and killing me. me. Thanks a lot. Wow. Okay. Boy, that dolphin sounded like it swallowed a computer, didn't it? Great, great message. Thank you. If you want to leave a message, 888, 500, 2090. 888, 500, 2090.

That's why I love giving out this number. don't know who or what's going to call. I got a dolphin worried about a bird flying into its blowhole. Sounded like a computer. And speaking of computers, this is exciting but also scary. I think this could be the beginning of that whole Terminator thing. But I guess IBM, the company known as IBM, I believe it stands for industrial business machines.

I'm not sure, but I think that's what it is. They have created a computer now, and what they did is they matched it up against the three best top scoring geniuses on Jeopardy. Three human beings

went up against this IBM computer on Jeopardy, and the damn computer won. It beat the humans. A, amazing, pretty cool. B, I'm scared to death.

I'm now living fear of a bird flying into my blowhole and killing me. Think about it, man. That's pretty terrifying. Okay, you got to be pretty smart to win a Jeopardy, okay? And I made a mistake. It wasn't the top three Jeopardy players. It's the top two Jeopardy players of all time. That takes some brains.

That takes speed. like think how quickly these guys calculate the answers sometimes they're pressing the buzzer before the questions even finished okay so we're used to computers where we write letters and we maybe we sort through our photos and we uh you know we can dictate a letter

and we can go on the emails and we you know all that stuff but what happens when you have a laptop sitting at home that can actually think, that can actually out-think you. Isn't that getting a little scary? And as advancements in technology continue, so do advancements in the robotics industry, okay?

So it isn't going to be long until the two get married together. And can you please picture a scenario that's not too unreal, where a robot is wandering your house or the streets and is better than you at Jeopardy? I have a funny feeling if it can beat you at Jeopardy, it can pretty much beat you at anything else. So let me, let's get you a little more into this story. Here's some clips.

The computer's name is Watson. And here's a little more on this fascinating yet scary peak. into what lies ahead. In Jeopardy's 47-year history, there has never been a contestant like Watson. With 15 terabytes of random access memory, the IBM supercomputer has gobbled up encyclopedias, dictionaries, books, news, movie scripts, and more.

Okay, are you scared yet? The computer's name is Watson, and here they explain exactly how this whole thing works. So how does it work? It's a massively parallel probabilistic evidence-based architecture. That's a mouthful. But the way to think about it is it's taking that clue, it's taking that category, it's taking the surrounding clues in that category.

It's dissecting it and understanding it from many different dimensions. I'm telling you, man, it's kind of spooky. Now, here's Watson actually playing these two geniuses and listen to his creepy voice. Kathleen Kenyon's excavation of this city mentioned in Joshua showed the walls have been repaired 17 times. Watson. What is Jericho? Correct.

400's same category. This mystery author and her archaeologist hubby dug in hopes of finding the lost Syrian city of Urquash. Watson? Who is Agatha Christie? Correct. Wow, did you hear that like cold, emotionless voice? it is i don't know it's it's chilling man and apparently uh from what i've read the computer

watson actually has is able to reflect on its decisions so it's not just spurting out calculations and answers it has the technological uh capability to reflect on what it said or what it's thinking isn't that a little frightening isn't that that freak you Without that, that means that it's not just going from A to B. It's not just spitting out a conclusion. It's challenging itself the way we would to search for different answers and different ideas. And I don't know. It's like the beginning of a thinking computer.

And I'm telling you, man, as far-fetched as Terminator is, it almost feels like the beginnings of us going down that road. And you know how fast we're moving with technology now, man. I mean, look what cell phones have done, you know, from year to year. They become more and more elaborate, more and more incredible. So let's not trick ourselves into thinking that we won't have walking, talking robots before long. here's what host Alec Trebek had to say about the whole thing I think the most intriguing thing about this challenge on Jeopardy featuring Watson

and two of our best players ever is where do we go from here how do we follow this but I'm sure that within a couple of years or so we'll figure something out and what's funny to me is that right now we're all probably like oh how cute a computer oh amazing and things ha ha it beat the guys at a silly game show he but you know cut cut to 25 years down the road cut to 50 years down the road cut to a hundred years down the road aren't you a little bit creeped out when maybe there's a thinking computer that stands at the end of your driveway and make sure you go to work and follows you

and makes decisions for you and keeps its eyes on you or maybe your neighbor's robot gets programmed to come and terminate you or I don't know what man you know and what if one of these things someone programs a computer to go off and be a rogue be a loner

programs a computer to be stealthy and sneak around and kill humans. I mean, if Jeopardy's just the beginning, it's a little scary, it's a little eerie. And I'll say it again, being on Jeopardy, you can't be a dummy. Hank, what's combustion? No. I speak through a blowhole. Hey, everybody. Who wants that bad? better sex? No? Yes? The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping.

And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast.

So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Hi, I'm Dr. Debbie Timer, and I'm your life coach. I am my baby's mother's sister's daughter, and it's time to get a life, your life. Well, good afternoon, everybody. I'm Dr. Debbie Timer.

I am your life coach, and I just want to say thank you for joining us on the show today, where we take your calls. and listen to your stories and try to guide you through your life a little better. Let's take a call from Dallas, Texas today. How were you today, Dallas? Oh, I, Dr. Debbie, how are you today? Well, I'm very good, and what can we talk to you about today? Well, I have a bit of a situation.

I have this thing that I like to do. Okay, a thing. I think we all have a thing. What is your thing? Well, I like to kick old people in the ass. Excuse me? Yeah, I like that when I'm walking around in the street, I'll see an old lady bending down to pick up some change off the sidewalk,

or I'll see an old man trying to get into his car, and I'll just run right up behind them and kick him real hard in their bony old ass. Okay, sir, that is not only dangerous, but it's probably illegal. Yeah, I'll tell you what's illegal if I want to come. kick up an old bag up the ass. You know what? I'm going to do it. I got a pair of pointy cowboy boots,

and I'll tell you what, timer. I'll tell you what. Okay, please don't address me as Timer. My name's Dr. Debbie Timer. Yeah, whatever, bitch. What did you call me? I'm telling you, I wait till these old bags bend over, and I run up on them,

and I kicked them square in the ass. I kicked one guy so hard in the ass. bumpy old face went right through the front window of a Baskin-Robbins restaurant. Okay, sir, these are criminal activities. You are not allowed to do that. That's aggravated assault and... Oh, yeah, it is, and you should see the stains on the end of my cowboy boots. Pardon me?

Oh, you heard me, timer. I got some black alligator cowboy boots, and you should see the granny stains on the end of those things. I'm sorry, sir. Not as sorry as those old bags are. Oh, yeah, I see an old bag been over. I run up on her like a California Pizza Kitchen Terriacchi Wonderburger. What the hell are you talking about, sir?

I kicked them so hard, their adult diapers blow up, and I get stains all over my alligator cowboy boots. It is heaven on earth, you fuckaholic. Did you just call me a fuckaholic, sir? You're damn right, I did, licorice whip ass. Okay, sir, I'm not here to take your abuse, I'm a life coach, I'm here to help. Do you have something other than kicking old people? Yeah, I do.

All right, let's get to that then, shall we? You got it, timer. And stop calling me timer, you fucking idiot. Oh, someone just put a little spice on the pan. What is your other... I like to kick even older people, people in wheelchairs, people in walkers, people laying in a sleeping bag, I just like to run right up and kick them in their bony old ass. Okay, sir, I'm gonna have to heck.

You hang up on me timer and I'll run over there and kick the microphone right out of your bony, vainy, arthritic little hands. How dare you, sir? have wonderful hands. I go to the nail salon. I bet you pick your bony ass with those fingers, don't you, Thimer? All right. I think I've had just about... You just go digging up there like an abalone diver looking for shells at the bottom of the sea. Jam them dirty bony fingers right off your therapy ass and grind it around.

Okay. Hang up on this fucking idiot. I'll phone you right back, timer. No, you won't phone me back. Hang up. Dimer. Timer. Timer. Timer.

Are you quite finished, sir? Not really. have a bit more. Are you done, you fucking idiot. What's the matter, timer, you don't like helicopter noises? What I do like is the noise of my phone hanging up on you. I'll see you and a half an hour. My boots are just dying to kick their way up your bony, fat,

See you later, summer. Sir, what, what, wait a minute. Okay, we're going to, uh, take a break and get to another call. And who the fuck was that? Who was that fucking idiot? We'll be back. We'll be back after this. Trace that fucking idiot's call.

And I don't have a bony ass. I got a little treat for you today. You know, many of us. of you know me from my wonderful movie roles, you know, half-baked and something about Mary and dumb and dumber, and some of you don't know me from my movie roles. So what I thought I would do was play a scene from one of my movies, for those of you who know it and love it, and for those of you who are just getting to know it. So here's a scene from one of my movies, half-baked. This is the scene where I accidentally got high, went to buy munchies, and on the way out of the pizza

joint, I bump into a police horse. So I start sharing all my munchies with the police horse. The police horse's name is Buttercup, and I'm completely stoned, and I start feeding the police horse. Unbeknownst to me, the police horse is a diabetic, and I kill it. And now, technically, I'm considered a cop killer. Here you go, people, Harland Williams, as Kenny from half-baked. I need an ambulance. Now, officer down.

I repeat, officer down. What the hell did you give my buttercup? I just gave him some candy and some chips and some pink popcorn and some fonkins. This horse is a diabetic. Buttercups. Bonica, don't you leave me? Breathe, vodka!

Breathe! You're under arrest. You dumb, son of a bitch! No! I'm a peaceful man! man i'm a school teacher shut up you're a cop killer i love horses i love horses i love butterc stuff buttercup dare you butternut cup cup cup oh there you go oh there you go so sad buttercup her butternuts is dead

but you're still alive so keep on riding down the Harlan Highway with me Kenny the school teacher from half baked a.k.a. Harlan Williams here on the Harland Highway. Oh, all

the little critters dying well I have some good news about some critters dying. Well it's not good news. It's good news about some bad news and I'm very excited about this. As you know, I've been talking about the finning industry where fishermen cut

the fins off of sharks, kick them back in the water alive. They can't swim. They sink to the bottom and just slowly die. And all they take from the shark is a fin to make a ridiculous soup called shark fin soup. It's like an Asian delicacy. and they're wiping out the sharks in the oceans. If you don't believe me, check it out online. They're killing, I think it's something like a hundred million sharks a year.

A hundred million. That's just, it's incredible. But there's a movie called Shark Water, and I watched it and it got me all fired up. It's about this senseless industry. And so I thought to myself, I want to do this. something about this. You know, I want to help save the sharks. Nothing deserves to die like this for such a ridiculous cause.

So we have an email, save a shark at gmail.com. And what I did is I asked you my wonderful listeners if you wanted to get involved in this cause is what you could do is write to save a shark at gmail.com. Give us your email address and we will send you a form. letter with a restaurant that serves shark fin soup in the United States, and you can send the letter to them via mail, not email, a real letter saying, hey, we're not going to eat at your joint because you kill the sharks and you serve this soup and blah, blah, blah. You can write, and we'll send you the letter.

All you do is print it up. But here's where I'm excited. We just started this thing recently, and we've already had a bunch of people write to the site and get the letter. And I actually got an email from one young gentleman. I'm very excited about this. His name is Greg Gorski. I hope I'm pronouncing that right. Greg Gorski wrote me a letter, and I love it.

This is what he wrote. He goes, I live in Oakland, California. The restaurant is called Fountain Garden Seafood Restaurant. It's a local hole-in-the-wall restaurant with mostly Asian clientele. Well, that's probably right. It's a Asian restaurant. And he says, I'm not sure a letter campaign would do anything, but of note, I have stopped going to a neighborhood restaurant.

that have begun to serve shark fin soup. So I'm guessing he's talking about the Fountain Garden seafood restaurant in Oakland, California. So, you know, already this thing is having an impact. You know, these kind of things start with one person, and it moves along, and it moves along. And Greg Gorski, thank you so much. and thank you to everyone who's been writing in to help get this cause going. Once again, try in TiVo or rent or, you know, you can download from Amazon.com a documentary called Sharkwater.

Very compelling, very revealing, very sad. and if you want to get involved in this little cause to stop this ridiculous shark fin soup write us at Save a Shark at gmail.com and we'll send you a little letter and the name and address of a restaurant that's serving the crap and you can help us

hopefully get them to change their mind and stop serving a soup that's killing the sharks, which in turn kills the oceans, which in turn kills the planet, which in turn kills us. All right, I know I strayed away from the wackiness there for a little bit, but this is important, so please get involved,

only if you want to, only if you feel it in your heart. And now that I got that off my chest and said my thank yous, let's get back to the wacky, Harland Highway You ever have a conversation with someone? The conversation kind of ends And you know it And anyone else around you knows it

But the person you're talking to doesn't know it Like you've just spent 10 minutes And they've told you all about their vacation or something Then we climbed up the Mount Everest and we crested You're like, great, man, great And you give those little kind of verbal clues And you're kind of like, okay, well, hey, it's been great seeing you yeah and while we were up there we took a bunch of pictures i was just

standing it was like as on the top of the world i could see just forever oh yeah forever that that's great so cool great catching up with you man the clouds and i could just see we we could just see it was like we were in heaven we were we were touching the clouds it's like we were i could have kissed an angel right on the face wow i totally get that man uh you know what I better get gone. Have you ever climbed a mountain? I mean, it's just wonderful. It's an exhilarating experience.

It really tests who you are. Well, I'll tell you what, there's something else that really tests who I am. What do you mean? Well, you know, just sometimes, maybe I'm being tested right now. Well, I'll tell you what, if you really want to test yourself, do what I do, and get some mountain gear and climb up that dirty son of a bitch Everest and show it who the man is. Just punch that sucker in the face.

Yeah, I'd really like to punch something in the face right now. I have to get going. Speaking of going, did you see what Dan wore to work the other day, that blue suit? Oh, come on, dude. I've got to be in a meeting. Oh, I've been to meetings before. So, so let me tell you about my last meeting.

You know what I mean? just goes on and on and on they don't get it that you're done that the conversation is over where are you going where are you people going wait a minute this this this segment isn't over this segment isn't over let me tell you more about how people go on and on so anyways they go on and on and on and they what do you mean i'm talking about how people can go on and on and on Marvin! What's Crackin? This is Joseph. I'm calling it from the city of Chino, and not the prison, the city. On the whole toenail situation thing we got going on here,

more of once I start playing the whole tug-of-war with my socks, time to take off the socks and trim the nails. Other than that, don't do it, so you play the tug-of-war. Wow, and just quickly before we wrap up to... Can I talk about another war that can't be won? You know, it drives me nuts. You see it a lot in the summer, but if you live in a warm place,

that's all year round like me, living in Cali, California. Oh, I hate this. I like moths. Moths are cute. They're like butterfly juniors, right? And the poor little fellers, for some reason, they like the light.

I don't know why they wait till night. time to come out and then they look for a light. Instead of running around all day in the light where there's lots of light, they wave for the night and fly into a light. So what drives me nuts, and I'm sitting here right now doing my show, and there's a moth on the window right beside my face, right here in the studio. He's on the window, and he's been flapping and flapping and flapping and flapping against the glass for hours. And the poor little guy can't get in. I don't even know if he knows why he wants in.

Does he want to come in and be a guest on my podcast? Does he want... Well, you know what? I'm going to let him in and see what happens here. Let me get the door. Let him in and I'll put him on the podcast. See what he has to say. Maybe he's

He's got something important to say Let me get the door All right Here we go We got the moth I'm putting them in the guest chair Just flap right there Flap right there

Well you're in How are you? Okay And why were you trying to get in So badly Oh Really Oh my God

Oh my God oh my god yeah it's just over there yeah right there right around the corner yeah no don't worry about closing the door i know you don't have hands yeah oh oh that sounded okay y'all done okay thank you for flushing by the way uh i'm going to let you back out now anything to say before you go perfect All right. Thank you, Mr. Moth. There he goes. Off into the night. And the bat just ate him. Okay. So anyhow, there you go. Mystery solved.

Hey, it's also a mystery solved that we're at the end of the show. So sad. So sad. So sad. Me, me, me, me, me, me. But we will be back. Don't forget, you can call and leave messages for the Harland Highway at 888, 520. What an easy number to remember. I mean, listen, there's someone calling right now. I said the number.

Did you hear that? That's unbelievable. All right, let me get this call, and I'll finish up the show. Well, what do you know? A ham sandwich. Okay, very odd phone call, but hey, that's what we like. So anything goes, leave us an insult to compliment a story. And I love you and I hate you, whatever you want to leave.

If we like it, we'll put it on the air. 888, 52090. Love hearing from you. It's always fun if you try to make me laugh. I do appreciate that. And don't forget, folks, for those of you down in the Florida region, for those of you in the Sunshine State, all this weekend, yours truly,

will be at the improv in Tampa, Florida. I'll be there Thursday, the 27th through Sunday, the 30th of January. First month of the year. Great way to end it out, coming down and having some giggles with me. You can go to harloughwilliams.com, click on my stand-up schedule, and you'll get all the tickets and showtimes, or you can go to improv.com or Tampaimprov.com. I would love to see you down there at the show.

Don't forget, you can pick us up on Stitcher. It's stitcher.com. It's a free app. You can download the Harland Highway on your phone. And don't forget, if you want to pick up Fudgy-Wudgy Fudge Face, my indie movie, you can download it at Amazon.com for very cheap. You can rent it or own it, or if you want your own physical, physical, DVD you can order them from the store, the Harlan Williams.com store, all kinds of information

here. And don't forget, save a shark at gmail.com, get involved, help save a shark before it loses the chance to eat you. I know. Weird, right? That's all the time we have for today. I hope you had a good time. I really do. I just so do. I would offer you a big tall glass of lemonade right now, but all I got left is the big fat bowl of chicken chowmane, baby.