The Harland Highway - PODCAST 223

Episode Date: January 28, 2011

Dangerous texting, American Idol stuff, Dr. Ascot, and the NEW Noah's Ark. Tumbling light bulb meat!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, everybody. How you doing then? You're all right? You're right. Good. We'll put on your seatbelt. Let's go. You're on the Arland Highway. No, you're not in London, England. You're right here. In the middle of the road, rolling down the Harlan Highway with me, your host, Harlan Williams. Thank you so very much for being here. So sexy. So very sexy. What are we talking about today? God, this is the story. I got a news story here for you today about somebody who was texting and wasn't watching where they were going. And wait to hear where they ended up and what happened and how they want to blame the rest of the world for it. Great story.

We're going to be talking about Noah's Ark. If it all went down again, who would be on the Ark? Hmm, would you? I don't know. We've got a kid coming in to do an American Idol song. I guess he's trying to make the cut. So the producers have him coming in here. We're going to be talking about the phenomenon known as American Idol.

It's Friday. Dr. Escott will be lurking around. You know, so that doesn't make me happy. but the rest of the show does and I hope it makes you happy too because you're right here on the Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway Hi, I'm Jackie want to play

Please go away and leave me alone You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway Man, keep it going Love the show, you're hilarious My blanche and my blue blanket Give me my blue license Fasten your seat there

You're riding down the Harlan Highway. It's the Harlan Highway. Have you checked the children? Hey, Harlan, love the podcast. I especially love the characters. I love Dr. Ascott and Cinnamon Boy. I was wondering if Cinnamon Boy could pay a visit to Dr. Ascot.

I want to get those two guys together and see what happens. If you can make that happen, it'd be great. Thanks. Excellent suggestion. Excellent. You know what? Stick around later in the show. Let's see.

I got my producers right now. We're hustling to put in a call to get Dr. Ascott down to the studio. I guess they've gone to some local high school to look for Cinnamon Boy. And if we're lucky, we will have the two together in the same room. We will mic the room. We'll keep it live. We will see if maybe Dr. Ascock can do some therapy with Cinnamon Boy, possibly cure him of his ridiculous, pathetic addiction or obsession.

with cinnamon. I mean, it's just ridiculous. Cinnamon boy. It's all the guy thinks about. It's all he tussed cinnamon, cinnamon, cinnamon. What a dip wad, idiot. So let's hope. Let's hope we can get up.

No promises, but if we're lucky, like I said, we have our producers out there now. They're hustling to get this done for the end of the show. Let's see what happens. And in the meantime, let's just keep our motoring right down the Harland highway. Yeah. Lumber, down to bleed your volcano. Is hot in a city hostage.

Are you aware of this global warming thing that's going on? It seems to make sense to me, man. And what happens if the water rises? What if it keeps rising and rising? and do they build another's NOAA's ark? Is that what they do? I mean, you've got to figure what? The water will rise and kind of start taking over the land in what?

Maybe 40 years? Maybe sooner, maybe later. Either way, we're probably looking at some massive flooding. How do you build an arc? Because you've got to figure, man, how many species of animals have we killed? How many animal species are dead and gone? And how many more will be gone in 50 years?

I mean, they're clear in the rainforest. It's the size of like 40 football fields a day in South America. They're over fishing, cutting the forests. They're over whaling. They're over. Everything's over. So how many animals are going to be left to go on the ark, man? I mean, modern day Noah's going to show up,

and he's going to have his checklist. I'll ask to be like, okay, giraffes, two giraffes, two hippopotamus, two lions, two hummingbirds, two ants. Um, is that it? Hmm? No cheetahs, no, no monkeys, no, no, no zebras, no polar bears, no sparrows, no, no koalas. Okay, well, I guess you're going to have some big brooms to yourselves, fellas. the rain bring on the rain it's a little depressing isn't it oh let's just hope i get on that arc man and that they bring me like a nice pamela lee and not a rosy o'Donnell huh wouldn't that be a kicker

you're the only guy to make it on the arc and they stiff you with a fatty hello oh just keep on float down the Harlan Highway. And speaking of extinct, here's something I would love to see become extinct real fast. Is whiny, wanton, entitlement-filled babies, people in society who, you know, can never take responsibility for their own stupidity, who have to lash out at the rest of the world. who if anything goes wrong, they call a lawyer and create a lawsuit. And it just drives me nuts. It's almost like everyone in American society these days thinks that if anything goes wrong,

someone or something should be there to catch them. Someone or something should be there to absorb the blame. Someone or something should be there to make everything right. You know, if an act of God hits someone with a tornado or a flood or an earthquake, right away, it's like, well, where's my trailer? Why isn't someone rebuilding my home? Where's my turkey dinner? Right?

Or if somebody trips or falls, and here's, let me just cut to the chase here. There's an idiot. There's a woman who was walking through a mall. texting, not paying attention where she was going. She's texting, looking down at her phone, and as she's walking through the mall, she walks right into the wall of the fountain that's in the middle of the mall.

She's got so much momentum going that when she hits the wall, she loses her balance, and she flips over the wall and lands in the fountain. The security cameras catch this event. some of the guys in the security room thought it was amusing, so they recorded it, they put it on YouTube, and now everyone's watching it on YouTube.

So here comes this lady, and now, of course, she's got a lawyer, and she wants some heads to roll, and she wants to sue, and she's like, why wasn't there someone there to help me, and why weren't their handles in the fountain, and how could this happen, and what about me and my feelings,

I could have been hurt and yeah you could have you could have been hurt you could have been all those things but at what point is it everyone else's fault that you're walking along not paying attention and you bash into crap at what point do the rest of us in society have to pay for your ignorance and stupidity can you imagine if every day half the population just put on a blindfold and couldn't see and walked out the front door and said, okay, I'm going to work. How many of those blindfolded people would walk into a wall, get hit by a bus, fall into a hole? And would it be our fault that they were idiotic enough to put a blindfold on? No. Let me play you some of the audio that they interviewed this woman on ABC News. Let's break down this story.

And you tell me what you think. I'm just sick of this crap. So here's the beginning of the story. Here's the lady talking about her ordeal. We're now joined by Kathy Cruz-Marrero and her attorney. I was actually texting a friend of mine. What was so important about this text? She was just asking me for my birthday.

Wow, so there you go. Like most texts, it was meaningless. It could have been something done at any other time. The text could have been, hey, what colors the sky? You know? So there's big important text, and she's walking along. And bam, she falls right into the fountain. And, you know, I guess they asked her, gee, how did you feel when this all went down?

I was totally embarrassed. I was like, well, I'm hoping nobody saw me. And now listen how distress she gets when she walks up to someone in the mall. She makes it sound like she just walked away from a burning plane crash. I walked up to her and all I kept saying was I fell. I fell in the fountain. I fell in the fountain. And she came, she said she wanted to hug me.

So then they asked her if mall security showed up, like as if they're supposed to do anything about her. idiotic move. Nothing at all. To my knowledge, they got there 20 minutes after I left. So now the security guys at the mall or somebody who had access to the security monitors. They get the footage. Someone films it with their cell phone or something and someone puts it on the YouTube and now it's viral. And

It looks like this lady feels like, oh, she's been so humiliated, so embarrassed, she's got to start a lawsuit. And you get an apology over the phone either. I said, I don't think that was nice what your people did. And he's like, no, it's not, that wasn't very nice at all. But, you know, we'll try to take drastic measures and just be lucky that nobody knows you. We're glad that nobody knows you. And now listen here as she starts to turn on the waterwork. and, you know, the drama starts.

She said she wanted to hug me. And she tried to get all this sympathy, like, we're supposed to feel bad for her stupidity. Nobody took my feelings into consideration. I'm sorry. Nobody. Nobody called. Are you okay?

It shows in the video. Nobody went to my aid. Not one single person went to my aid. It could have been anybody's, mother it could have been a senior citizen falling oh god now here comes the lawyer so james what kind of claims do you plan to pursue against the moral operators now well we're at the very early stages of our investigation into this matter george but certainly we intend to hold all responsible parties accountable whether that means requesting or demanding an apology or certainly requesting an

explanation for why this happened how it happened and certainly we will want to know the identity of all persons responsible with making the video public. Now, for the record, if you look at this video, it is shot by a remote video camera. You can see the semblance, the outline of a human, but you cannot tell any facial features at all. You'd have a better shot at deciphering that famous Bigfoot video. It's just so far off that you'd be. far off that you cannot make out any facial details, you would never know who this person is. Even if you zoomed in and digitally enhanced this thing at the CIA, they could not figure out who it is.

So this is just a blatant, someone was stupid, someone fell in a fountain, and someone wants to profit from it. It's disgusting. Now, here's the only good part of this story. The woman actually makes a point here that probably affects each and every one of us in this modern day of technology and this to me feels like the only honest statement she makes. Let's have a listen.

And Kathy, I know you, as embarrassed as you are from all this, you did learn a big lesson, huh? Absolutely, absolutely, George. Do not text and walk, especially to the younger generation It couldn't The fountain could have been empty I could have been in the hospital I could have walked into a bus

You know It got hit by a car It can happen anywhere Anywhere So there you go You know that's the only thing that makes sense You see people doing it all the time They're texting and walking

Texting and walking And yeah someone is going to get hit by a bus Or a snowmobile or a moose something she said she wanted to hug me but uh you know here's where i get agitated it's like here's a woman who was doing something stupid she was walking through a mall with her head down typing a meaningless text hug me she's not paying attention to her surrounding she's not aware of her environment she walks right into a wall flips over the wall lands in the fountain Hug me. Within the second, she stands up and she's back out on the floor of the mall.

So if you watch this video, and I don't know what you'd press on YouTube, it'd be like, woman texting falls in fountain or whatever. You'll probably get there. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order.

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Did you hear all the drama? Did you hear the lawyer? Did you hear? And I'll say it again. You can't tell who this person is. This is just an example of someone being an idiot and they got humiliated and they rightfully so. They probably should have.

and they should have learned a lesson from it. They should maybe have a sense of humor about it and laugh about it and move on. But you know what's going to happen? Here's how we're all going to suffer. You ready, everybody? And I don't know how much you like fountains or co-ponds or fish tanks in your public spaces, in your malls, in your fairgrounds, at your six flags, wherever,

at your golf courses because of this lady being a dumbass and she wants to sue, they're going to either fill in all the fountains with cement, they're going to put great big fences or chains around them so they become aesthetically unpleasant to look at. And, you know, it's just going to start a snowball effect to the point where one day, all your malls are going to look like white-padded cells. There's not going to be able to be any plants or anything hanging

or any furniture or any fountains. God forbid someone stumbles into it and can't take responsibility for their own legs moving and they throw a lawsuit and it just goes on and on and on. You know, what they should do is they should take these people out, They should show these YouTube videos as training videos. They should put them up in giant screens in Times Square and say,

This could be you. Look what this idiot did. Do not walk and text at the same time. Oh, okay, I'm all riled up about it, but check out the video, see what you think. and just watch where you're texting. Good Lord. Watch where you're texting. And text that message to your friends right away, no matter what you're doing.

What? Do not text and walk. Holding out on your mother? What? You never told me Massengill douche has effectol. I just bought it. Only Massengill has effectol for effective douching any time of the month.

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Uh, what's your name, kid? Dale. Dale? Yeah. Okay. I'm very likable, and I'm a really, really good singer. You want to sing for us? Yeah, I do.

That's why I came down here, dumb ass, sir. What? I said, that's why I came down here, sir. Okay, so what song do you want to sing for us? I would like to sing. I want to buy a dump truck. Uh, I want to buy a dump truck? I'm not sure. Who's that by? It doesn't matter, sir. It's a song.

Okay, well, here he goes, Dale, and singing, I want to buy a dump truck. I want to buy a dump truck, a dumb truck. I want to buy a dumb truck. I want to buy a dump truck. I want to buy a dump truck. Okay. Um, I don't know. I want to drive a dump truck. A dumb truck, a dog. Okay, kid, I think we got it. I want to drive a dumb truck all the live long day. Oh, I...

Kid, enough. I don't think you really... I want to buy a dumb truck. A dumb truck. A dog. Kid! Yeah? Enough.

You're not going to win. Why not? Because, first of all, you sound like a parrot getting a can of. Pringle shoved up at you know what I don't get that Kid you just You're not a good singer No it says you

Okay kid get out of here You're not that wasn't even a song Sure it was I want to buy a dog Get out of here Out Wow What a freak

I want to buy Get them out A dumb trap Out I want to buy a dumb trout. Wow, okay. You know, that kid actually probably sang better than a lot of the losers on that show. Have you been watching the new season?

You know, Stephen Tyler from Aerosmith? I got to be honest, I watched the first night, you know, out of curiosity. And I'm a fan of the show, I hate to admit. I guess I got a thing for seeing people have their dreams come true. Something kind of fun about that. It's so rare in life. But Stephen Tyler, I watched the opening show, and I was like, oh, you know, that guy looks pretty good for about 45,

you know, or 50 or whatever he is, right? You know, he's his skin on his face still looked relatively tight. You know, I couldn't really tell how old he was. And then I was watching the news the next day. And they're saying the guy's like over 60. Like he's 61 or 63 or something like that. I'm like, wait a minute. My dad's only, my dad's 75.

And he sure don't look like Stephen Tyler. Like, how does the guy still have the long hair and the no body fat and his skin's tighter than a Hollywood housewife? Pretty amazing, man. um but you know that's uh some people are just born to fit that mold man that with that guy's looks could he have been anything else could stephen tyler could you picture him working at home depot could you picture steve tyler driving a public bus i mean could you picture him serving you ribs at applebees with that face those giant lips those teeth I mean, some guys are just born with that look

And there's no other thing they could be in life But a rock star man And if anyone fits that It's got to be Stephen Tyler Holy God So there you go Hold on, what? Yeah

Oh, you got him here You got you got Dr. Ascot and Cinnamon Boy Oh my God, this is okay beautiful you got them in the other studio and you're all wired up okay great we're going to cut away from uh from my show uh we got everything queued up in the other room it looks like a doctor askott's going to be having a therapy session with cinnamon boy oh my god for once it's not me it's friday and guess what cinnamon boy uh doctor ascots with another patient that takes me off the hook I'm so happy. Let's flip the switch, Roger, and let's go to the audio in Studio C over there. Here we go.

She says she wanted to hug me. No, not that one. Plug it into the other studio. God. I'm sorry. Hello, Cinnamon Boy. Hi, I'm Cinnamon Boy, and I love cinnamon. Yes, I'm well aware of who you are. I'm cinnamon, boy! Yes, you've already said that, my child.

And I love cinnamon! Yes, we understand that, my child. What I want to do here today is understand why. Why you love cinnamon so much. Because I'm cinnamon, boy, and I love cinnamon! I already know that, my child. We've established that you love cinnamon. What we want to understand today, my child, is why you love cinnamon.

Can you tell me about your childhood, your family, your father, perhaps? When I was a little boy, my father used to sprinkle cinnamon on me when I was asleep and whisper in my ear. Excellent. And what would he whisper? He'd get right up against my ear Yes And he'd say Yes

You're cinnamon boy And you love cinnamon you little bastard Oh my goodness That sounds traumatic Actually I liked it Because I'm cinnamon boy And I do love cinnamon And you're a bastard

What Nothing Why don't you tell us What else happened Were there any other incidents involving cinnamon, my child. Well, when I used to take a bath instead of water, we used to use applesauce.

Why would you use applesauce, my child? Because it was cinnamon applesauce! And I'm cinnamon, boy! And I love cinnamon! Take it easy, bastard. What? I mean, child. What about as you got older?

Were there any activities outside? of the home that perhaps got you away from cinnamon. Well, when I got a little older, my father used to take me camping. Okay, excellent. In a tent? Yes, in a tent. Excellent. And all my brothers and sisters were in sleeping bags. Excellent.

Except for me. What were you in, my child? I was wrapped in a creep, a cinnamon crepe. Because as my father said, I'm cinnamon boy, and I love cinnamon! Stop it. Cinnamon! Stop it, you little bastard. Cinnamon!

Stop it, child. It must be a deep-rooted reason, my child, why you love cinnamon. Was there any trauma in your life, my child, anything that was, shall we say, negative? cinnamon activity well there might be one thing what was it my child I don't think I want to talk about that I think it's important

in order to break through the wall of cinnamon well there was when I was an altar boy in church yes well my pastor Father Crisp molested me with

paprika. What are you talking about? He rubbed paprika all over my body and told me it was in the name of the Lord. Oh my God. So cinnamon was my only sanctuary. Because I'm cinnamon boy

and I love cinnamon. I think I understand now you were traumatized by spice and somehow you found safety. In cinnamon, my child. That's right, because I'm cinnamon boy, and I love cinnamon! Shut up, bastard.

What? Nothing. Let's continue this another time, my child. Okay, but in the meantime, I'm cinnamon boy, and I love cinnamon! Get them out of here. Good God, oh my God, between Cinnamon Boy and the... the American Idol dump truck kid. This could have been the most annoying show I've ever done.

God, they're probably twins. They sounded kind of close, didn't they? Anyways. Oh, maybe it's a good thing. I don't usually say this, but maybe it's a good thing we're at the end of this one. That's just a little too much to take. So anyways, let's get into a few quick. Quick announcements before we end out the show.

I don't know if you hate the announcements or like them, but I kind of throw them in there to keep you connected to the highway, the things we're doing here, keep you connected to my stand-up schedule and all the things I'm up to so you can get plugged in. Let's start with my stand-up schedule. If you want to see me this weekend, I will be in Tampa, Florida, tonight, January 28th. through Saturday and Sunday the 29th and the 30th. You can go to Tampa Improv.com or Improv.com or Harlan Williams.com

for all, all I say, all the information you need. Don't forget to write to Save a Shark at gmail.com. We will send you a letter to help the cause to stop the finning process, which is killing millions of sharks. our oceans. You can pick up the highway at stitcher.com. If you want to get it on your cell phone, it's a free app, Stitcher. And don't forget, fudgy wudgey fudge face is available at the harlomwilums.com store.

Or if you don't want to buy it, you can rent it on Amazon.com. It's very cheap. I think it's, I don't know, $2, $3, $4, something like that. So it's a good hour and a half of a ridiculous comedy, and you can get it right there. So there we go. I got through the announcements quite quickly. And I just want to say, lastly, thank you for participating. Thank you for listening.

You can always call and leave a message at 888, 52090. That's 888, 52090. And maybe we'll see you in Florida, in Tampa, Florida this weekend at the improv. And until that time, or until the next time, we roll down the highway together, chicken chow main, baby. She says she wanted to hug me. My, George, I think he's got it.