The Harland Highway - PODCAST 224

Episode Date: January 31, 2011

Baby pandas, dinosaur extinctions and dragons, listener mail, hunting gone awry. Silly sandals slurping seaweed!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Kibbles and bits, kibbles and bits, got to get my kibbles and bits. No, I got to get my podcast and bits because we have a lot of bits to go over today on the Harland Highway. I'm Harland Williams, your host. Hope you're having a groovy, groovy time wherever you may be, driving your truck sitting in your cubicle, working out on the treadmill, whatever you're doing, hanging in the pet shop with the jellyfish. Today we're going to get to some listener mail, some interesting letters coming in. Always fun.

We've got an incredible story about a hunter where things went horribly wrong and nature fought back. I love this story. We're going to get into all kinds of animal stuff today, too. We're going to be talking about baby pandas. We're going to be talking about giant lizards. we're going to be talking about dinosaurs and the whole extinction thing and how that went down and could it ever happen again? I hope not or maybe I don't know.

Maybe it'd be the best thing. I don't know. What do you think? So lots of cool stuff to ponder here today. Lots of topics. Like I said, we're going to get to your mail right out of the gate here and have a little fun. I love getting your letters.

And I love having you right here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hi, I'm Jackie want to play. Please go away and leave me alone. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Man, keep it going. Love the show.

You're hilarious. My blanche. My blue blanket. Give me my blue blanket. Passing your seat. You're riding down the Harlan Highway. It's the Haarland Highway. Have you checked the children?

Letters, oh, we get letters, we get your letters every day. Mail, man, mail, today. Reach right in and pull one out. Those letters, I love those letters. That's fine how much you've got to say. Oh, boy, mailman, mail to date. Oh, yeah, let's kick off the show with some letters, some wonderful letters. Here's an interesting one right out of the gate from a fellow by the name of John Caperman.

Okay, I don't, you know, I never pronounce these names right, so get over it. So here we go. This guy, he goes, I have a suggestion for next topic. on the podcast, Vaseline. What's its main purpose and what was it supposed to be? Did it turn into a sex type thing? Anyways, just thought, looking forward to that. Give me a shout out. Ha, ha. Thanks, man. Keep on rocking on. Well, what is that damn Vaseline stuff? What's you doing, Dad? Got chapped lips out on the boat. Vaseline petroleum jelly helps.

take the sting out okay cool well let's let's get to the answer here let's uncover this uh you know i did a little research and it turns out vaseline is a brand of petroleum jelly owned by an anglo-dutch company uh you know their products include uh petroleum jelly skin creams cleansers all that stuff um and vaseline uh can be used as a body lotion uh it can be used as a body lotion uh it can be used in intensive kit what roger what is that noise i don't know i mean i'm hearing something in my headphones are we have a is is we having a tech problem in there no no okay well i heard something hey i'm just sitting here in a studio um let's see it's uh it's the uh for the first known reference to vaseline uh was by an inventor a guy named robert

cheese bro in US. I guess he got a patent for this thing in 1872. I have invented a new and useful product from petroleum, which I have named Vaseline. Roger, I'm telling you I'm hearing something in my headset here. I'm trying to, I'm doing a letter about Vaseline and I don't know if there's a wire loose. Are you having a technical problem in the booth? No. Okay, well, I keep hearing it. Let's see. The word Vaseline is believed to come from the German word Vasa, which means water, and a Greek word oleon, which means oil. What is that? Roger, what is that noise?

You don't have to snap at me. Whatever it is, can you stop it? I'm trying to do this podcast here on Vaseline here. What do you want me to do about it? Let me get through this, man. In 1859, Cheesboro went to the oil fields in Titusville, Pennsylvania, and learned of a residue called Rod Wax. There it is again. I just heard the noise.

Rod racks was something that had to be periodically removed from oil rigged pumps. The oil workers had been using the substance to heal cuts and burns. Cheeseboro took samples of the rod wax. What is that? They took samples of the rod wax back to Brooklyn. He extracted the usable petroleum jelly and began manufacturing the medical product he called Vaseline. And there you go. Vaseline can be used as a lubricant. All right, what is that noise?

What was that? Hey, I'm just sitting a student. What was the big gasp all about? I don't know. All right, I'm going to another letter. There's something... Idiot. What do you do that, Wolf?

Helping to keep my skin smooth with Vaseline petroleum jelly. Who needs fancy creams? That was just creepy and weird. Let's go to another letter here. God, Roger, you just odd. All right, here's a letter from Scott Williamson. Holy God, Scott Williamson. Here we go.

He says, have you ever ranted on one-ply toilet paper? Love your podcast. I'm hooked. I was sitting on the pot the other day after listening to your podcast, and it's funny how you get to ranting on stuff like that so-called sport soccer. And one of my rants is one-ply toilet paper. Why do they even make it? Can't remember you ever going off on it,

so I thought I would prompt you. Have fun, and I'll be listening, Scott. All right, Scott, well, let's get into it. Why do they have one-ply toilet paper? And what the hell is a ply? Does anyone know what a ply is? First of all, something called a ply should not be in your toilet paper. That sounds like it could hurt.

Yes, how can I help you today, Mr. Johnson? Well, I got a ply stuck in my ass. How many? One or two. I think it's just one ply, but it hurts like a mother. I don't know what a ply is, but I think, I guess it's the layers. The two layers, it's like a lasagna. You know how they make lasagna?

They put down like the layer of cheese and then the meat and another ply or another layer of cheese. You know, a four-ply lasagna. Right? So maybe toilet papers just ask lasagna, right? Maybe the meat between the plies is, no, I don't want to go there. That's getting kind of disgusting. But, yeah, maybe toilet papers just ask lasagna. And what you got to do is instead of a one-cheese lasagna or a one-ply toilet paper,

you've got to step it up and get the four-chease or the four-ply. ass lasagna wipe oh god well hey you wanted me to rant off on it and i guess i just did but uh you're right your your butt deserves uh your butt deserves more than just one ply i mean how much how much scientific work how much research goes into one ply if you want to just one ply grab a sheet of paper out of your photocopier here we go there's how many plies is this Well, it's just one. I guess I can use it.

Yeah! Paper cut! Paper cut on my ply hole. So, you know, get the four-ply ass lasagna and treat your ass right. Thanks for the letter, Scott. What are you doing, my? Smoving on Vaseline petroleum jelly. Helps protect Mary from diaper rash all night long.

Baby skin. Lips, hands, two. Vaseline petroleum jelly. Well, there's your answer right there, Scott. Just put some Vaseline all over your one ply and that should even things right out. Now, let's switch gears. You know, we get a lot of funny letters here. And, you know, we also get some poignant letters. We get some serious letters.

And here's one. This is from Veronica Rossi. And she writes, hi, Har. Hey, I remembered something you saw. said in a previous pod you were referring to living forever and then you said something like how many times can you watch your pet get sick and die well my little dog is dying she has cancer and tomorrow they will be putting her down i just wanted to say thanks because somehow it amelomerates oh god she used a big word i don't even know what this word means veronica

It ameliorates my feelings to know that everyone goes through the same anguish when a pet dies. And I know it a little pathetic getting so choked up about it when there are people with real problems, but that silly little dog worked her way into my heart. I know you probably didn't read this, but it just feels better to type it out. Well, you know what? I did read it, and you got me with one big word, but you know what it's fun in life to talk about all things

you know we can laugh all the time but the truth is the other half of laughter in life is tragedy in life and maybe that's why I do this podcast is to help help people lift their spirits

out of tragic moments and get back to the laughing side but I did do a topic about one of my dogs dying and I also got a very sad letter from another one of our listeners, a guy named Al Feldman, whose little

dog passed away, and we're very sorry about that. But just let it be known that one day you'll get on to the Big Harland Highway in the sky, and your dog will be running down the center line right towards you,

and you can open your arms, and hopefully he jumps right in there, and you are reunited. It is hard watching your dog go, but cherish all the good times you had with him, all the love and unconditional love and joy that that darling little mammal brought you. And you know what? You can do it all over again with a new dog.

You'll still go through the same highs and lows and happiness and sadness, but you both benefit in the end. So Veronica, we're sorry about your. dog but enjoy the memories and on to happier thoughts uh so there we go we'll close up the mail bag on a bit of a somber note but nonetheless i hope it helps bring a little closure a little peacefulness and uh you know what the best way to to ride that wave is to get back to laughing we're going to jump right back into the more of that right here on the dog loving Harland Highway. Let's close up the mailbag till next time. Keep your letters coming and you can send

them to Harlan Williams.com and hopefully we'll get to yours. Come on, close it up. Another letter from our listener's day. Hey everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast.

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and all over? Yeah, baby pandas, man. Every time a baby panda's born, everybody throws a fit. Oh, my God, another baby panda! Sweet God, it's a miracle! Everyone goes berserk! Every time a baby panda pops out of the oven, man. The other animals at the zoo got to be pissed at this action.

You know, like the albino hippos, like, you know what, man, everyone used to come see me to those bratty little baby panda showed up I mean they're cute but man I don't need to stop the world to see a little baby panda oh here it comes

I can see its furry little head oh oh it's here come on man Jesus Christ super panda and I guess the big thing is these things don't know how to have sex the adult pandas That's the real problem.

They're so bad at sex. It's a miracle every time they conceive. Show them some porno movies late at night in the zoo. Forget about putting them in their little cage with some bamboo to chew on. Sent Jenna Jameson and Ron Jeremy in there to put on a little show for them. Oh, yeah, get those pandas fire. fired up, baby. And every time a baby panda pops into the world, it's not a front-page news story. Now, the latest news headlines.

Yeah, Korea had tested another nuclear weapon, but we'll get to that later. For now, three baby pandas born. Tonight, three baby pandas born in the middle of Tecrete. I'm Tom Brocah, and I'll be back with those stories right after this. I'll see you tomorrow. It's the Harland Highway. Oh, how we love our critters. Our little animal critters. Well, here's a headline that cracked me up. I think you'll get a kick out of this.

Dig this. I love it when nature fights back, man. Here's the headline, Wounded Fox Shoot, would be killer. Okay, this happened. in Moscow over in Russia for those of you who don't know what Moscow is it's not a it's not a dairy animal covered in moss

it's a city in Russia so here it is a wounded fox shot its would-be killer in Belarus that's the town I guess by pulling the trigger on the hunter's gun as the bear scuffled after the man tried to finish the animal off with the butt of the rifle.

The unnamed hunter who had approached the fox after wounding it from a distance was in hospital with a leg wound. Well, the fox made his escape. They say the animal fiercely resisted and in the struggle accidentally pulled the trigger with its paw. This is what one of the prosecutors says. Fox hunting is a popular thing to do in this picturesque farming region of northwestern Belarus, which borders Poland. So how funny is that?

Some jackass goes stomping around in the woods. He's a fox. Hey, you there. You there. Come here. I want to kill you. Yeah. You, turn around.

I want to skin you alive and make a coat for my fat wife. stand still will I shoot you boom guy goes over fox isn't ready to give it up they get into a scuffle this genius fox sticks his paw on the trigger

boom shoots the hunter I love it there's not much more comedy to add to that one right there I wish all animals would just pick up rifles and start fighting back with these hunters. Hunters really, I don't know, man,

they think there's some kind of justification. They call it a sport. I don't know if there's any hunters listening. You're probably not going to like me for saying this, but I don't know. Using a high-powered rifle to pick off a deer or an elk standing in a field grazing. They're shooting the crap out of a,

a bear. I mean, it's just, I don't get it. It's not necessary. It's just cruel and inhumane to me. So, I hope this fox goes out and opens, you know, teaches a class at DeVry or something. Hello, everybody. Welcome to Shooting Humans 101. The first lesson is to grapple with the hunter, disarm him grab his weapon and quickly turn it on him pull the trigger four times while the rifle is pointing

squarely in the back of his head it's always best to shoot the human's execution style thank you and your homework for tonight will to be bring me two ears from a human for tomorrow thank you we'll see you tomorrow

I mean there you go so be warned all you big macho hunters that like to blast the shenundra out of animals they're coming for you next man so it's on player oh listen to me

I guess I have a sauce spot for animals for nature I don't like thinking of animals dying but you know if you think past over the billions and billions and billions of years. Hmm.

You ever think about how the dinosaurs died? Pretty hard to kill like 90-foot-tall lizards with sharp razor teeth. You figure something astronomical had to have happened. They say a giant asteroid. or a meteorite or whatever you call it. Rosie O'Donnell, I don't know, something slammed into our planet. Caused all this volcanic dust and ash to fill the air and block out the sun and all the vegetation died.

And then, of course, you know, the plant eaters died. And when the plant eaters died, the meat eaters had nowhere to go. But what's funny is, you know, you watch these science programs on TV and they say that it could happen again, man. they say that an asteroid or a meteorite could pummel the earth, plow into the earth, and do it all over again. And we don't even care. I mean, we care, but nobody's really doing anything about it, right? It's not like there's anything surrounding the earth to keep us safe.

I mean, shouldn't we put up a big giant salad bar screen or something? You know what I mean? Those things you have at the salad bar so your boogers don't fall. into the croutons. Should we have one of those up floating in space? So if a big-ass meteorite comes hurtling at us and bounces off and takes out Pluto or something? Oh, no, not Pluto. I didn't mean him.

Oh, okay. Watch what you say. Okay, easy, Mickey. I don't want to get hit by a meteorite. I don't want the dust to block out the sun. I got tanning to do, man. I got some poolside tanning to do. player i gots to go fishing and i gots to get out and do my recreational activities i ain't got no time

for no armageddon sucker what's up i'm gonna go all bobblehead on your ass asteroid asteroid yeah i like the ass part you blow up my planet you are an ass god i love dinosaurs too they pop up in the weirdest places oh you know it's funny that at one point in time they just roamed this planet freely. There was no man. There was no man-made objects. It was just all nature. Can you picture this planet just all nature?

Not one human being. The only thing that could really alter the landscape was probably a beaver, right? A beaver builds a dam. They could back up a river. They could flood a lot of acreage. But outside of a beaver, there's not, much more out there that could really

alter the landscape, right? So just imagine no roads, no nothing, everything, 100% raw nature. God, can you have, that show I shouldn't be alive on Discovery Channel should make a time machine and come back in time to like the Paleozoic era

and shoot an episode where, where a family takes a wrong turn in a 100% nature. There is no help anywhere. I mean, that's almost mind-blowing to picture the landscape. Picture, just look out your window where you are right now. Picture nothing. Picture trees. Giant trees and overgrowth and vines and jungle and birds and critters running all around.

It's amazing when you think of how much we scarred the landscape, man But getting back to dinosaurs, it's like they pop up in weird places These majestic killing machines You know, once just wandered around, did their thing And now, like, at the Pittsburgh airport, They have one nestled in between the escalators Okay, when you're going down the escalators to baggage claim there's a big like T-Rex skeleton there

okay or you drive by the car wash and there's like a big clay like roadside attraction Brontosaurus or there's a slapies pancake house come see our Stegosaurus out in the back

free syrup you know it's just almost dishonoring the way that these kings of the of the planet kings of the beasts are now nothing more than like amusement you know you go into a museum and there they are all propped up their bones all the way to the ceiling they're in their little scenes almost like a giant dollhouse like they always have like a t-rex skeleton facing off

with a triceratops skeleton and you're like wait a minute what the hell am I looking at here they're dead how can they be up you know having a smackdown and I'm like why don't they do that with humans man I mean are dinosaurs better than humans probably but you know maybe instead of burying us humans you know you can put us put our bones out in the street and do like uh you know street art or folk art or whatever it is you know have a scene of uh you know at a bus stop You know, 20 human skeletons standing in line at the bus stop. How artistic. Or a couple of human skeletons with hats on sitting on a bench.

Put a paper in their bony fingers. Or, you know, a couple of human skeletons leaning against a wall. You know, instead of statues everywhere, we could just have our own relatives. Hey, man, you see that skeleton over there? with the water coming out of its mouth and then there's a statue of like fish all around it.

Yeah. That's my uncle Dave, man. Wow, he's cool. Yeah, he was a fisherman. So they, you know, they dedicated a skeleton statue. Wow, you want to go throw some quarters at him? Up yours, man.

That's my uncle. Sorry. So I don't know. Just a thought. probably better than being buried in the ground. I'd gladly have my skeleton on display somewhere. Gee, let's see, buried in a box under the earth and forgotten for eternity. Or I could be like standing as sidewalk art out in front of a 7-Eleven pretending I'm doing hopscotch.

That's it. Put my skeleton in front of a 7-Eleven doing hopscotch. I love it. That's splendid. Oh, yeah. I'd love me. the dinosaurs. I actually think we still have one big giant lizard dinosaur

left here with us. Outside of the crocodiles and the alligators, there's one like land lizard. Yeah. Check this out. There was an item in the news where like a Komoto dragon, you know what these things are? They're these giant dragon. They're not dragons or lizards. I think they're like like the biggest lizards. These things are like nine, ten feet long.

Live on the island of Komodo, I think somewhere near Indonesia or the Philippines. Their saliva's like lethal. If they bite you, the enzymes in their saliva will start to biodegrade your flesh. That's how they help to digest their prey quicker and kill it.

They sneak up on a deer and bite it. and their saliva poisons them poisons the thing they bite and they slowly die and they find it and eat it but the creepy part is I guess they had one at a zoo and this thing was a female Komodo dragon had no exposure to a male Komoto dragon and the thing gave birth to three baby Komoto dragons All right, is that not a little odd? Does that not tell you that nature has plans, that when all the human beings are gone, that the animals will repopulate and rejuvenate,

whether there's one left or a million left? That's creepy. Ooh, immaculate conception. I wonder if maybe Jesus gave the baby Komodo dragons or God Maybe the second coming of the son of God isn't in the form of a man God created all things, right?

Maybe the second coming is in the form of a Komodo dragon. It's possible. That's not sacrilegious. God created everything. Oh, my God. You imagine? Jesus, the Komodo dragon?

Catches a fly out of the air? Oh, man. He doesn't like what you've been up to. He bites you, and his saliva eat you live? I'm sorry for sinning, dear Lord. Watch out, nobody spits on you. Saliva. the saliva.

Pretty weird stuff, man. So who knows where it'll all end up? You'll have to ponder that on your own time because unfortunately, this podcast is also now extinct. We are at a time. Oh, boy, so very sad. Christopher Walken. Let me make a few announcements as I usually do before I go.

If you will indulge me. If you want to see me live in concert in February, you can check me out February 11th through the 14th at the Irvine Improv in Orange County, California, the 11th through the 14th. So that's a Friday to a Monday. I'm going to be doing a rare Monday night show because it's Valentine's.

So that'll be a lot of fun. And then later in the month, the 18th and the 19th. I'll be at the improv in Tempe, Arizona. And then the 25th and the 26th of February, I will be at the Hollywood Improv in Los Angeles on Melrose Boulevard. So it's an improv month here for me in February. Great stuff.

Make sure you pick up the Harland Highway on Stitcher.com. You can listen to the podcast on your stuff. cell phone. There's a free app at Stitcher to help you do that. Don't forget to write in at save a shark at gmail.com and we will send you a form letter to help put a stop to the end of shark fin soup, which is killing millions of our sharks in the oceans and seas. And don't forget to visit the harlandhighway.com or you can write letters to me and maybe they'll make it into the next mailbag

or you can call and leave a message at 888-520-90. So much going on. It makes my bald head quibble. And I'm not even bald. So that's it, gang. And when I say gang, I mean chain gang. Hope you had a good time. Love bringing you the show today.

And that's it. That's all we got. So until next time, chicken, chow, man. Who needs fancy creams?