The Harland Highway - PODCAST 226

Episode Date: February 4, 2011

Parental attachment, jobs we refuse to do, a call to my son, comedian Sean Tweedley, Superbowl commercials, crazy phone calls, and yes, Dr. Ascot. Prune my pickled plumb sauce!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Holy fricoles, what a podcast we have for you today, Seniors and Senoritas. Yeah, we really do. Yeah, we got a lot of cool stuff today. This is going to be fun. I'm going to be calling my son. I don't think many of you realized I had a kid. Great, just a wonderful little boy. I rarely get to see him.

So I'm going to be calling him a few times during the show to get caught up to my son. We're going to be talking about parental attachments. Are you one of these people that always have to kind of be plugged in and communicating with your parents, even though you're older? Ooh, interesting. We're going to be taking some crazy phone calls from listeners. We're going to have a guest in today, a really funny comedian. My friend Sean Tweedley will be here to shoot the breeze.

We're going to be talking about the Super Bowl. bowl commercials. And we're going to be talking about something that's kind of a sticky thing. Jobs that people won't do in the United States. There's people out there that won't do certain jobs. I don't know. Is there or isn't there? We're going to discuss.

And here's a job I wish never happened. Dr. Ascot's coming by so he can do his job and make me sit through his stupid therapy. But at least he'll have fun do we get there. Right here on the Harland. Highway! Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hi, I'm Chuckie, want to play? Please go away and leave me alone.

You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Man, keep it going. Love the show. You're hilarious. My blue blanket. Give me my blue blanket. Passing your seat, then.

You're riding down the Harlan Highway. It's the Harland Highway. Have you checked the children? Okay, America, you're on the Harlan Highway, and it is my job to get on the Harlan Highway every day and make you happy, make you smile, entertain you, and I love it. I love my job, but, you know, have you ever heard this saying there's jobs Americans won't do? Oh, that's, I'm American. I can't do that job.

No, I'm sorry. I don't shovel horse manure. I just, no, I'm American. You want to see my passport? Look at my passport. Does it look like my passport says I shovel horse manure? What, oh no, I don't wash dishes. Excuse me, I'm American, okay?

Uh-uh, biotch. I mean, are you kidding me, man? Americans are great people. They'll do whatever they. have to do, man. I mean, there are jobs that Americans don't like to do. But people go, oh, all the illegal immigrants take those jobs, man. I can't work at McDonald's or I can't, you know, do landscaping or, you know, work as a mechanic.

Well, so what, man? If illegal aliens have got those jobs, they've got them. You think if there's no illegal aliens, those jobs won't be done by some Americans, some legalized, God-fearing Americans. you know there are states where there's hardly any illegal aliens and guess what people somebody washes the dishes somebody rakes the leaves somebody shovels the horse poop yeah and it's probably god-loving americans so don't tell me that there's jobs americans won't do oh i'm sorry no i i can't be a CEO i'm an american no what i do i just lay on the beach My job is to eat pizza and pringles and drink beer.

That's my job. I won't do much else. So I made my paycheck. The sun's going down. Hurry. This country was built on the blood, sweat, and tears of people doing jobs that nobody else wanted to do. I won't do those jobs, man. I just won't.

I'm an American. Actually, I'm a Canadian, so... I don't have to do them anyways. I have to go to Canada. and do some log rolling. Harland Williams. Okay, not true. I'm both.

I'm Canadian and American. Yes, I was born in Canada. I was raised in Canada. Moved here when I was about 28, 29 years old, and have lived here the rest of the time and went through the whole process, got my green card, then I got my citizenship,

and my passport, so now I'm officially Canadian and American, which is kind of cool because my father's father, my grandfather, was American. He lived up around the Pennsylvania, Ohio area, and he moved up to Canada, had my dad up there, my dad had me, and now I'm bringing it back home. You see the big circle of life, man? So my job as a Canadian-American is to bring it back home. What if I didn't want that job?

Oh, I can't do that job. I can't bring it back home. That is so weird. I'm a Canadian-American. Isn't that funny? You know, kind of like, you know, the old African-American pride. I'm African-American, man. Don't forget it.

No, no, I wouldn't forget that. Hey, man, I'm Asian-American. okay gotcha uh i'm canadian american what the hell is that forget it i'll be over here um sucking on a wet sponge i don't know i don't think if you put if you put Canadians and Americans beside each other in a police lineup i don't think you can pick us out until maybe we talked and then you'd uh you'd have us busted You know, just a crazy Canadian, American, bringing it home. My dad's dad, I'm his son, and son-dad, dad, son-dad, dad, son-dad, dad, son-dad.

And if I sound happy today, it's because I'm about to call my son, Kevin. And for those of you that didn't know, I had a son, yeah, I got a son, little guy, little fun guy. I tried to call him earlier this week, and I guess he was kind of busy with his little playmate. but today I'm going to take the little guy to the zoo and I'm very excited in fact let's call them up right now and my little guy Kevin my little son my pride and joy let's call him up and I'm going to surprise him and take him to the zoo

for a day at the zoo with daddy here we go dialing the phone and oh here we go hello hi kev hi hey oh hey man how you doing Good. You ready to go to the zoo? To the zoo. Were we going to go to the zoo? It's a surprise.

Oh, well, no wonder I didn't know. What's happening at the zoo? It's Father Sunday at the zoo. Oh, I'm sorry, but I can't go today. I've got to work at four. Your favorite monkeys are there. My favorite monkeys I got to work at

I can't go They'll be giraffes Maybe we can go another time Tigers The tigers had cubs Again That's nice I like the tigers

Maybe next week You know maybe next year I can pick you up Um Yeah I can't go I can't go today There's caramel corn and purple bloons That's great

if you're nine years old. There's snakes and bears and things. Well, why don't you go? Go, go have a good time. I want you to come home now. Okay, uh, I'll see you later. Just come home. Whoa, what the hell?

Son? Son? Son? Hello? Hey, Harlan, how you doing? Hey, man. What's going on? What can I do for you? It sounds like a pretty cool guy on the radio, and I'd like to be your friend.

Okay. I'm hoping we might be able to hang out sometimes. I don't know, man. I've got to be kind of careful. You're not one of these, like, weird, nutty, like, whack job guys, are you? You know, my family says I'm making projects, so... Uh, yeah. Okay, dude. I better put you through a screening process first. What do you think about standing outside someone's window all night with an axe in one hand and a weed whacker in the other covered with pig's blood?

Man, I think it's really cool. Oh, boy. I don't know, dude. Maybe we can hang out. Yeah, I, uh... My family says I'm making progress. Yeah, I think I'm busy, dude. I'd like to be your friend.

Oh, you know what, dude? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. This is so bizarre. I just looked at my calendar. I'm looking at it right now. Oh, my God. I can't believe it.

It looks like I'm busy for the rest of my life. Feel free to call me back anytime. Yeah, okay. Thanks. They're, wow. Buddy, I'll be sure and set up a date for us real soon. Me, you, Chuck E, Cheese. and your counselor.

Highland Williams. So it begs the question, how often do you talk to your parents or how often do your parents call you? I don't know. Are you one of these families? I know people that talk to their mothers or their fathers.

There's people that talk to them every day. I don't know how you do that. even if you're on great terms with them what do you what do you got to talk about every day with your parents with anyone for that matter um and then uh are you are you possibly one of these people that kind of are in the middle of the road like you know you talk every week every couple of weeks or are you uh are you the type of person that talks to your parents like a few times a year Or are you the type of person that just calls your parents at Christmas? Or vice versa.

How often do your parents call you? Hmm. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex.

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I'll be honest with my folks. We've never done a lot of phone calling, you know. Sometimes it can be probably as little as like 10 times a year maybe. Maybe less. Sometimes it might be a little more, but it's never too much. But whenever we call it just feels like you kind of picked up. from where you were it's not like uh why haven't you been calling me well why haven't you been calling me well you should have called first well maybe you should have called first it's not like a

phone war um but i know some people that are into their adult years and they still call their parents a lot and and uh i i have a feeling girls do it more than guys i could be wrong but my experiences girls do it more and I get a little nervous um you know if you're if you're dating a girl or you're thinking of dating a girl and she phones her mother a lot and she seeks her mother's counsel a lot and she asks for her mother's advice a lot and she has to report on everything she does to her mother a lot it makes me a little bit suspicious um which i don't know if that's a good thing on my part maybe i should be like a celebratory and be like oh isn't that cute what a bond what a relationship blah blah blah blah blah which you know i guess

that element exists from my side but then the suspicious side is i wonder if maybe there's some psychological issues that that girl maybe hasn't fully grown up And maybe I'm just being a dick for saying this, but I worry that maybe there's a maturity thing there, that that girl or that guy, there's guys that call their mothers a lot too, if there's a neediness, a clinginess, or there's a lack of psychological independence.

And there's this cling factor, and there's this reassurance factor, and there's this maturity factor, where this person hasn't developed enough or grown up enough to the point where they don't really trust or value their own judgment. And so they call the parental figure for, you know, reaffirmment or, you know, approval or whatever, you know.

What does it mean when you talk to your parents or feel the need to talk to your parents too much? I don't know. Are you one of those people? If you want to talk about it, you can call and leave me a message, 888, 500, 20, 90. I'd like to understand it better. Maybe I'm way off base, but maybe I'm hitting the nail right on the head. I don't know.

Maybe I'll call my mom and see. Hello. Hello, Harland. This is Sean Key. calling. Uh, okay. What's going on, man? Here's something funny you can do.

Call up your friend and say hi. I just got over the shower. Can I call you back? What? What the hell are you talking about, man? Thank you. I've got someone very, very funny with me here today on the Harland Highway. Stand-up comedian, actor, entrepreneur,

Mr. Sean Tweedley is here. How you doing, Sean? I'm great. Thank you for having me back. So did you have any trouble parking when you came in here today? Yeah, because your company doesn't, you know, flip the bill for parking. We don't want to mention that, really. Oh, yeah.

Huh. Well. We do that with everyone, not just you. Oh, cool. Well, then I'm all, then I'm one of the ones that didn't get parking as well. Oh. Did you have... Did you find a...

spot. Yeah, right in front. Oh, good. Okay. I parked under a sign that says no parking. Oh. I love this too, right under that. Yeah. In littler letters, it says anytime, you know? No parking any time. I know. Does it make any sense? Not really, right? I would swear no parking is enough. I think that says everything. Yeah. I can't imagine who any time is for, you know? I mean, who pulls up under a sign that only says no parking? He's like, God, damn. Damn, no parking. Well, what else happens out there? Do you have trouble when you're driving around?

Yeah, I do. I'm not very good driver, so, you know, a lot of things distract me. Warning signs distract me. Yeah, they're everywhere. You ever see the little kid in the residential neighborhood? There's a little kid all stretched out with a ball in front of them on a sign. Oh, yeah, on the blue sign. Yeah, it's a warning about the kid might be running across your car with a ball in front of them.

Yeah, yeah. I don't know. I'm staring at that. sign, you know, I'm whipping down the road, I'm trying to decipher what, bang, I hit the kid, you know? Oh my God. Because I was looking at the sign and not the kid. And I should have been looking ahead of me with the kid, but I was looking at his picture. Oh, well, how'd that work out for you? I took his ball. Oh, you got a new ball? Yeah, because, you know, the kid, he didn't need it no more. So what's coming up for you? Where can we expect to see you later this year? And what are you doing?

Check me out in my space. Last name, T-W-E-E-D-L-E-Y. That's Tweedley with a T. Sean Tweedley here on the Harland Highway. Will you come back and see us when you get in and off the road in a couple of months? Yeah, I would love to. This is it. Comedy, coming at you here on the Harland Highway.

And speaking of comedy, you know where there's always some cool comedy, it's the commercials, the Super Bowl commercials. You know, Super Bowls all around. us and um you know some people actually tune in to uh watch the commercials let's get into that how many will actually like the super bowl or you're like one of these dips that likes to watch the super bowl commercials i mean what the hell is that all about man you go from uh watching a feat of a natural athleticism to watching some dumbass

open a beer bottle with his teeth. When did we become a nation that paid respect to commercials? I don't know. I just think it's all part of the Super Bowl stuff, man. There's other big shows. You don't sit around. Oh, I got to see the commercials

for Desperate Housewives. Oh, my God. The only reason I watch Letterman is for the commercials. Oh, my God. Did you see Lost last night? Well, not the actual show, but that Pringles commercial right in the metal? Oh my God, it blew my mind. I don't know. I guess maybe if you got Janet Jackson doing a got milk commercial, that might work.

A wardrobe malfunction. Got milk? You know what I'm saying. Well, I could throw it to a commercial right now, but instead, I think I'll just say, You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Oh, I like the sound of that car driving away. I wish I could drive away.

And here's why. It's Friday. And every Friday I have to do my required therapy session with Dr. Ascot, the doctor that the powers that be that run the studio here, forced me to sit with. I have to comply with this procedure. Or I'm going to get a pink slip. They think I'm a liability.

I'm going to say something crazy. So to protect themselves, they have me do therapy every Friday with this idiot Dr. Ascot who annoys the hell out of me. You know what? I was going to ask him a question about, you know, mothers and parental dependence as you get older and all that stuff I talked about earlier.

I can't be bothered. I don't want this guy to think that I actually. care i'm just going to go in sit down and let him do his stupid thing and get it over as quickly as possible so here we go

uh hello ohlin hello doctor ask god how are you today allan will you tell me why do you have me in these little skimpy gym shorts Allan, today I want to try a different type of therapy with you.

Well, what does wearing these little baby sky blue gym shorts with the white stripe on the side have to do with it? Arlen, please be patient. Today we are doing something called yoga therapy. Yoga therapy. Exactly, Arland. What we do is we show the body how to be flexible. I'm going to have you twist. your body into different shapes and contortions.

And in making your body flexible, Arland, we also make your mind flexible. You know that actually sounds like it could make some sense for once? Are you being condescending, Arland? No, it actually sounds... All right, Arland, enough chit-chat. Well, I'm just... Let's get started.

Okay, what do I need to do? Please sit on the floor on this... Matt, Arland. Okay. And I want you to start by pulling your right arm around the back of your neck and pulling. Okay, let me try it. That, ow, it's kind of stiff. Just give it an effort, Arland.

Ah, okay. Okay, there it is. Now just pull on it a little bit, Arland, loosen it up. Okay, okay. Oh, that actually feels good. Are you feeling yourself get flexible, Alan? Yeah, yeah, that feels good. All right, release the left arm, Alan, and now try it with the right arm.

Okay, it's a little looser, actually. This arm, here we go. Ah, ah. There you go, Alan. You see, you're starting to get flexible. Yeah, this is good, and then once my body's relaxed, I guess the theory is my mind relaxes. Don't tell me my work. Arland.

No, I'm just saying... Arland. I'm just saying... Arland. All right, what next? Arland, I want you to bring your left leg. Grab your ankle and pull it up and put your leg behind the back of your head, Arland. Well, I don't know.

Just focus, Arland. This is all about mind control and flexibility. All right, here we go. Almost. Almost, almost. Keep going, Arland. I'm trying. Keep going.

Ah! Okay, my left leg is now behind my head. It feels kind of snug. Excellent, Arland. Now bring your right leg up and do the exact same thing. You can position your back against my desk, and it'll support you. Okay, let me get my other... Ah!

Ah! Holland. Okay, these shorts are a little tight that almost... Ah, okay. Oh! What was that noise? Ohland. I just... What was it? Did I just pop a joint? Something popped, Alan. What do you mean something popped? I think you better put your legs down, Arland. Something popped out of your little blue shorts. What do you mean? I can't... My legs are stuck. I can't... What popped out of my shorts, As Scott?

Arland, it looks like one of your testicles popped out. Oh, my God! My goodness, Holland, it's a plumber. Don't call it a plumber. Well, it is rather plump, Holland. It looks like a Christmas ham. Stop. Don't look at my testicle popping out. I can't get my legs off my neck. Holland, that thing really puffs out. Stop talking about it.

Are you sure you don't have a puff ball in your pants, Holland? No, I don't have a puff ball in my pants. Stop looking at my... Nutbag. Don't call it my nutbag. Help me get my legs off. It looks like this stuck, Arland. Well, then...

What am I gonna do? Let me stuff your testy back in your little blue shorts, Arland. Oh, God, don't... What are you doing? Don't... Oh, don't touch my ball. Oh! Oh, no!

No! Just a minute, Arland, it's almost in. There. There, I've tucked. your little plumber back into your pants. Stop calling it a plumber. Holland, it really is a plumpy. A plumpy little numpy.

Don't say plumpy little numpy. Come on. Get my legs. Oh! What was that? It looks like your plump pudding cake popped out again, Holland. Don't call it a plump pudding cake.

It's really got a lot of grisly old hair all at allant. Let me stuff it back. Don't touch it. Oh, don't touch it again. Your hands are clammy. Let me stuff it in there, Holland, right into your little tiny blue tight shorts. Oh, God.

There you go, Arland. Okay, get my legs off of here. What was that? It looks like Plumpy the Numpy popped out again, Arlans. Don't call it Plumpy the Numpy. Stop it. Let me see if I can pull the other one from the other side. side and it'll pull this one back what are you doing stop digging around in my

shirt ah ow oh there you go all and get my leg got my legs off get out of here stop touching my plumpy numpy stop it get out lumpy numpy get out god god was that creepy that creepy that guy's just getting creepier man puts me in little tight blue shorts and ugh i think i'll try call him my son once more before we wrap up today's show maybe that'll calm my nerves let me let me give my boy a call maybe i should uh just check in with my son and do my little good nights like a good daddy does so let's call my son uh live on the air here uh my little little guy little six year old kevin and here and here we're go. I'm just dialing his number and it's ringing and oh, here we go. Hello. Hi, Kev.

Harr, is that you? Yeah. Hey, how you doing, man? I'm just, uh, I'm just about to hit the sack, man. It's 10.30. Okay, I've got green eggs and ham by Dr. Seuss. You do. That's great. Yep. Let's get all tucked in. Thanks, Har, but I'm going to hit the hay, so maybe I'll call you tomorrow, okay? And tonight I'll check under the bed before you go to sleep, so there's no more Mr. Scratchy Eyes. That's very nice of you, Harlan. Thank you. I appreciate that. I'm sure my kids would appreciate that. I'll talk to you later.

Maybe I'll read The Cat in the Hat tonight, son Well, I hope you enjoy it I'm not your son Nice talking to you, cousin I'll leave the closet door closed Yeah, okay, make sure you Close the door after you leave

And hang up the phone, bye Wait What? I want you to come home now see ya come home oh well okay maybe he probably has a broken phone or he needs a new phone maybe there's a storm or the lines went dead but whatever i'll i'll catch up with my kid uh sooner or later uh he's a great kid um anyhow uh that is probably the end of our show here uh we just just kind of got to the end and uh what a great time um a lot going on a lot we discussed

and uh wow okay um let me go through a few little announcements here for you folks um don't forget i will be uh at the irvine uh improv comedy club in orange county California, the weekend of February 11, 12, 13th, and then 14th, a rare Monday night show because it's Valentine's night. So that'll be a lot of fun. I'll be in Tempe, Arizona at the improv, February 18th and 19th. And then the 25th and the 26th, I'll be at the Hollywood Improv in Los Angeles. California A good times man Don't forget you can get us on Stitcher

Stitcher.com It's a free download, a free app so you can listen to the highway on your cell phone if you want to. Don't forget to write to us at save a shark at gmail.com and we will send you out a form letter

to harass the people that are killing sharks for shark fin soup, decimating the shark populations of our oceans. Please get involved in that if you feel so inclined. And don't forget, you can get some fun merch at harlomwilliams.com. Lots of fun stuff in the store there. And also click on my stand-up comedy schedule at harlewilums.com. and you can track down all those comedy dates,

the showtimes, prices, venues, all that fun stuff. Great to have you here. What a treat. And I guess we'll catch you next time. And until then, all I can say is chicken chow main. Hello? Hello, Harland. This is Sean Kean calling.

Okay. What's going on, man? I dropped in on a friend. He said, sit down and make yourself at home. So I sat down and told him to get out of my house. What the hell's the matter with you, man? Thank you.