The Harland Highway - PODCAST 228

Episode Date: February 9, 2011

Internet shut down, gay rainbows, a phone call to my son, boiled eggs, Valentine Day suggestions, special teams, sexual positions. Backwoods bungie candy!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Giddy up, gitty up, gitty up, gety up, let's go, let's do a podcast show. Yeah, that's what we're going to do. Gitty up, little donkeys. Yeah, that's right, I just called you donkeys. How does that make, how many of you just shut this podcast off? Hey, man, nobody called me a donkey, man. I'm just trying to listen to my podcast. Call me no donkey sucker.

Um, well, whatever you are, a donkey, a horse, a sheep, a golden eagle, whatever. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Great to have you here. What a packed show. We have a lot to cover today, man. We're going to be talking about the gayness of rainbows. Yeah, stick around for that. There's a whole gay rainbow connection thing that I'm trying to clear up.

We're going to be talking about special teams. As you know, the Super Bowl is swirling all around us. It just went down And the whole special teams thing We're going to be talking about eggs Yeah, that's right, eggs Uh, Valentine's Day is coming up We're going to touch on that

And what about the internet? I got some scary info about the internet That I'm going to touch on We're going to call my son That you probably didn't know about Um, and we're going to talk about Sexual positions. Oh, it's going to get good

But it's always good right here on the Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway Hi, I'm Jackie Want to play Please go away And leave me alone

You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway Man, keep it going Love the show You're hilarious My Blankton, give me my blue blanket You're riding down The Harlan Highway

It's the Harland Highway Have you checked the children Hey, Harlan Williams here on the Harlan Highway And I was talking about Valentine's Day And I think what I'd like to do is get suggestions from you people On what to do on Valentine's Day This is a dilemma in my life. I never know what to do.

Take someone to the zoo. Take them log rolling. Take them axe throwing. I don't have a clue. Hey, uh, baby, you want to go, uh, scrub a monkey with shampoo for Valentine's Day? So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to throw open my answering machine. And I want you people to call me and give me some suggestions for Valentine's Day.

you can call if you're a guy or a girl or an old person or a young person black or white Jewish or Christian i don't care just give me something to work with people keep it short don't make it too long if it's funny if it's short enough i'll play it on the air so give me a call harland williams here on the harland highway and give me some darn ideas for their most romantic day of the year vd day Hello. Valentine's suggestions here on the Harland Highway. Yep, and you know the number. It's 888, 52090. And, you know, you can drop suggestions of, you know, a date, a type of candy, what kind of romance to try, you know, whatever.

You can be dirty, it can be sweet, it can be nasty, it can be lovely, you know. You could mention places where I could go, you could mention things to do, you can mention weird things, whatever. Let me know, and we'll put them all together and play them later on as we get closer to Valentine's Day. And now let's get on to something that piqued my interest, and I think this will probably peak your interest because we all live in a tech-savvy world, right? Obviously, you know about all the disruptions going on in the Middle East in Egypt and Cairo.

You know, people were riding in the streets. There was an upheaval. People were trying to overthrow their president. um they were burning cars they were throwing rocks uh you know there's just civil unrest and uh the military kind of came to a stand still for a while and so here's what freaks me out okay and and if you if you're watching the news you would have seen this um you know during all the fighting and the chaos all of a sudden they turned the internet off yeah that's what all the newscaster is saying I'm going to say, well, it turns out information's not coming out of Cairo,

and people are not being able to communicate because the Internet's been switched off. Is that a little creepy to you? Like it's a light switch somewhere on a wall? Yes, this is the Department of Internet. Yes. The President sees people running in the streets. Yes, please turn off Internet. Excuse me?

You heard me. Turn off Internet. You mean right now? Yes, turn it off, just flick the switch. I think it's on a dimmer switch. Well, then turn the dimmer down. Turn the flick off the internet, quickly. Okay, you don't have to yell at me.

Turn off the internet, click, click, click, click, click. Turn it off, please, quickly. I mean, God, isn't that easy to do? That scares me, man. That's a little frightening. You know, as we become more of more, more reliant on the internet as it becomes a part of our daily lives here in America and around the world, don't you find it disturbing that some guy sitting in a room somewhere up in Washington

if they so decide, if they deem fit to shut it off, they just shut it off? Like all that information, all that data going back and forth between human beings? It's almost like a human brain, you know, if you look at a diagram of a human brain and you see all the little impulses, the electrical impulses and neurons firing and all the transmissions between all the parts of the brain, it'd be as if someone put a bullet through it and killed it, and the brain died, and death was at the door. That's like what the Internet's like.

You get all these impulses, all these things, firing, right? And it's like, boop, shut it off. Sorry. But I was writing like a dirty email to my girlfriend. Sorry, shut it off. But I have to let my daughter know

that I'm driving into the country this weekend and if I get lost, she'll need to find me. Sorry, shut it off. Yeah, but I gotta get those documents into work. Sorry, shut it off. I don't know. That is weird. I feel like the people should have more control.

We the people, huh? We the people who use the Internet? Don't you think we should have control over whether it gets shut on or off? That's a pretty powerful tool for the government. I mean, you know, America's not going to stay this way forever. If history teaches us anything, it's that someday there will be another revolution. there will be an uprisal, it'll be an upheaval. Things will change.

God knows things are kind of crazy enough right now in the United States. But there will come a day probably where there'll be another revolution, just like there was in the past in the United States. And there'll be riots in the streets, and there'll be civil unrest and looting and shooting. And if the government decides to kind of, you know, throw a wrench in the works, and who uses the internet more than Americans.

I mean, we do everything. It's like an intervenous tube into our arm. If they just shut it off, that'll just fry everything. So I don't know, just food for thought. I'm throwing it out there. I think there should be, you know, maybe communities should be in charge of the button or maybe every city hall or maybe you elect an internet switch guy in your neighborhood or something.

I think it's just creepy that in Egypt, they just shut off the internet. Boom. That's just like cutting a major artery, man. That's like slashing someone's throat. Except the death is more instantaneous. It's just boom. In a blink of an eye, all that communication, gone, cut off.

You're stranded. I don't know, just, you know, thinking out loud here, man. It's a little creepy when you think that it's just a switch at the end of the Internet rainbow. I got a question for you, people. This might be a question that can only be answered by the gay people. I was curious about the rainbow thing. You know what? I've never asked anyone what the whole rainbow symbol is. The homosexual community is somehow, I guess, latched on to the rainbow as some kind of symbol.

Somewhere over the rainbow. Way up high. And there's a guy named Bruce in a speedo. Uh-oh. What is at the end of the rainbow now? Imagine you're a leprechaun, man. Aren't they always running over the rainbow to get the pot of gold? Always after me, lucky times.

I'll just get over the rainbow here. Hi. Oh, sweet Jesus. Look at that. Bunch of fellas in their undies. Look at your wonderful green leotards. Oh, catch lucky. I'd rather you didn't.

Call into my message machine, man. If you're gay, if you're straight, if you're by, I don't know, man. The rainbow thing. Call if you're, even if you're a leprechaun. Fill me in, man. I don't mean that way. And then next week we'll figure out why the heterosexual community men like to crush beer cans on their faces. Yeah, I'm serious.

I mean, I don't want to sound like a jackwad here, but I just don't know what the symbolism is behind the rainbow and the gay community. I don't know why they adopted it. I don't know what it means. I don't know what the correlation is. And it's just one of those things that you see it all the time. You know, you see the rainbow associated with the gay community. I just didn't know what it meant.

if you want to call 888, 500, 2090, and educate us. I have no clue. I really don't. So, you know, I guess I could call up a gay friend or someone I know who's gay and ask them. But you know what? I want to be surprised. I bet I get a nice myriad of answers from my listeners here. I bet I get a whole rainbow.

of answers. So feel free, call in. If you know, even if you don't know, 888, 500, 2090, can't wait to hear your interpretation of the rainbow. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex?

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So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount. count and a 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. There me no man in the moon marshmallows. Yours for a limited time. Now in Lucky Charms. And speaking of kids who loves cereal, my God, I've got my little, my little five-year-old son, Kevin, who I better call. It's getting time to go to school. I better make sure he's already for another day at school. My communication with him over the last

week or two here hasn't been great. I don't know. He's been a little standoffish, a little moody, but you know, little kids get like that. You know, they're growing, they're learning. They get in their little states of mind. So let me give

my kid, my little buddy a call, my six-year-old Kevin. and let's get him all ready for school. Here we go. Let's dial the number is ringing, and okay, here we go. Hello. Hi, Kev. Hey, Har.

Well, I've got your pencils and notebooks and your pencil case and erasers. Everything's ready. Hey, Har, I can't, I'm just out the door. I'm sorry, can I call you back? Your first day of school. Har, can I call you back, man? I'm just out the door. Billy Tomlinson's going to be there. Billy who?

Your friend Billy Tomlinson from down the street, the one you play ball with. I don't know who you're talking about or what you're talking about, Har. I graduated from school about 14 years ago. I don't know if you're a member. Do you have your new shoes on, nice and shiny? I'm 37 years old I have a job I don't go to school

I appreciate you calling me but I'll talk to you later okay don't forget a nice shiny apple on your first day for Mr. Blathenworth Mr. Blathenworth what are you I'll be there in just a few minutes to pick you up okay I won't be here

Maybe we'll take Billy too Screw Billy Talk to you later I want you to come home now Uh-uh Come home Hey whoa He just hung up again

That little spoiled Brad hung up on me That's the fifth sixth seventh time in two weeks What am I supposed to do? What's a father supposed to do here? What are the rules of discipline With a grown father and his six-year-old kid.

I mean, that kid, you heard him, he's not playing by the rules, I'll tell you that, I'm upset here. I'm upset like the way a father should be when his kid doesn't respond. Little brat. Hey, hey, hey, you are listening to Harland Williams here on the Harland Highway. If you've been watching sports in the last few years,

they've been kind of sneaking this term into the lingo, special teams. Like as if there's a special team within the team you're already watching. Like it's some kind of mighty micromutant that lives inside when they need that extra. Call in the mighty mutants. Get the special team in there. What a crock. Just the same guys, really? It's not like they have rocket packs under their shoulder pads,

night vision goggles and their football helmets. Yeah, send on a special team. Yeah, this is Rig Down. We got a big, yeah, go ahead, bring down. We got a red dog. Yeah, go ahead, man. They drop them down by a Navy SEALs helicopter. Stand-in's under the special teams.

One, two, three, four, go, go, go, go, go, go. Anyways, I wanted to find out more about so. apparently my producer Roger got someone who knows about the special teams to come in. I send them in, Rodge. Who'd you get? Who the... Oh, gee, what that? What are you doing with this guy here?

Hi. What? Why'd you send me Michael Jackson? Because I know all about the special teams. What would you know about special teams? I know that they're special. Oh, boy. Here we go.

Yeah, the only... anything you know about special teams? That they're special? Yeah. They're special. They're just special. Oh, boy. I thought you were sending me in an expert.

Special teams means they're special. Get out of here. You're special. Going on the special bus. We're going to get out of here. I need some special time by myself to recover from Jacko. What's some special? Get out of here!

Hi, Harlem, this is Elizabeth from Cincinnati. I just wanted to let you know that I love your podcast and listen to it every day at work. I really think Dr. Debbie Tyner is hilarious, and I would like to get more apart. Literally, like, makes me laugh out loud while I'm listening to my headphones, and I'm sure people think I'm crazy at work, but I love it. Hey, Elizabeth, nothing wrong with a good laugh at work. And people think you're insane. Good.

I hope that's happening everywhere. I love it. Thanks for the call. Keep your voice messages coming. I love to hear from you. 888, 520, a 90. I love getting your messages, but here's something I absolutely hate. Okay, and tell me if this bothers you, because it drives me nuts.

I do not get the whole taking a boiled egg and eating it. Okay, and I especially hate the idea of taking a boiled egg and eating it in front of other people. And let me tell you what happened. Today I was in a meeting. I had to go to this meeting, and I'm sitting in the meeting with, like, let's see there was like five or six people and one individual came in a little bit late and plopped down in the middle of the meeting

and had two boiled eggs still in the shell and we're like okay and the moment she sat down the room just filled up with like an egg reek okay like a rotten egg reek and everyone you could tell was a little bit uncomfortable everyone just kind of started shifting in their seats are like okay kind of weird we're in this closed little boardroom and everyone's kind of sitting close to each other around a big table

and all of a sudden the room stinks and there's a couple of boiled eggs in the shell sitting in front of everyone and this person just kind of you know without really knowing what everyone else was thinking, started like cracking the eggs. She started rolling them on the glass table and all you kid is all the eggshells cracking and you're just

sitting there going, okay, as if the stink isn't bad enough, now I'm listening to crackling eggshells. Kind of like nails down a chalkboard and then they go to work peeling it. All right, they're peeling

all the little shells off and all I can think of in my head is God that's like a petrified baby bird in there like it's not an egg it's a whole egg and it's like a it's like when a mosquito gets encased in amber or sap and you know they put it in a prehistoric museum

remember Jurassic Park when the mosquito was encased in in amber or sap and they extracted the DNA. It just freezes in time. That's what like a boiled egg is like to me. It's like everything's solidified inside the egg shell, and you've got like a trapped chicken fetus. Ugh.

So the egg starts peeling, and it's peeling away, and it's kind of gross, and as you know, once you peel the shell away, then you've got this whole egg. but it's all shiny and it looks wet and it's glistening in the light and you're just like oh god and then all you can do is just eat it so she takes a bite out of the top and it opens it up and now you can see they solidified yoke in the middle and it just reminded me you ever see the nature shows when there's crocodiles and alligators

and they're sitting on their nest of eggs and they're just drying out in the sun and they've got to go into the water so they go in the water for 10 minutes and the second they leave all these Komodo lizards and iguanas come and raccoons and they dig up the alligator nest and they just start eating the eggs

they just start sucking down the eggs one after the other it's like oh they're eating the eggs oh that's what it looked like i felt like i was in a meeting with some kind of crazy lizard gobbling down an invaded nest and the stink and the texture and the cracking eggshells and oh god i mean that stink that egg stink i mean to think about it if you could like solidify a fart

okay if you could like grab the gas of a fart and freeze it and solidify it that's probably what it would be or probably be like an egg shape it would just be like an egg

that's what eggs are they're like petrified farts that were buried under the earth and someone dug them up and now we eat them oh god eggs and I know at the end of the day it's just

food and everyone eats it and whatever, but I don't know. That's just one of those foods that it's like being in a meeting and someone comes in and pulls out a bushel of celery and just starts chewing the celery. Right? Crunch, chew. Crunch, chew. Crunch to stop it!

Oh, well, I thought this meeting was about celery. No, this meeting. is about finances. Oh, I'm in the wrong room. I'm sorry. I'm supposed to be in the celery meeting. Well, get the hell out of here. Ooh, touchy.

How about a crunch before I go? Get out! So there you go. I don't know. It freaks me out. I've never eaten a boiled egg. I refuse to do it. I'll eat scrambled eggs, fried eggs.

I just can't do the big whole egg in my hand and feel like a commode. Moto dragon. So just be aware of your eggs. It's not like any other food. They're noisy. They're smelly. They're kind of gross.

I'm just putting it out there. Be egg conscious. Okay? Excellent. Thank you. And I appreciate your time. What kind of position do you like it in? And are you in a relationship where you like one position, but your partner doesn't?

And it's like every now and again they let you do your favorite position, but you can tell they're not really into it. They're just doing it for you, so now it's kind of not as much fun. Yeah, you know, take a look at each other. Yeah. And he always freaked out to try new positions. Mm-hmm. are you those timid type of people where you know you want to be dirty but you kind of don't want to expose yourself so you keep it kind of clean and nerdy why you got to be nerdy when all you want to be is dirty nerdy and dirty man they ain't too far apart you got to try some of the wild positions right like the chinese roasting cannonball oh what a treat the pinwheel on the donkey oh look out

Ritz crackers in the tomato soup? Hello! That's a late Saturday night one. How about the upside-down helicopter pancake? Oh, look out. That one can hurt. Yee-he-he. Oh, there's all kinds.

You ever do the Seven Dorffs with a monkey? Slow and fun. Yeah, I'm just making them up. You know, I am, but you get the gist. There's some weird ones out there, man. You ever do a position you regret, you know? You go for it. You're feeling spontaneous and funky, and you're like, oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

And then everything finishes, and you just kind of stand there, and you're looking at each other. Like, I'm going to go have a shower. Yeah, yeah, I'm going to go. get a towel. Yeah, yeah. And let's not ever talk about this again, okay? Talk about what? What are you talking about?

Exactly. By the way, there's some raccoon hair on your belly button. Yeah. Okay, I'm going to hit the shower. Yeah, I'm going to go get the towel. Okay. Positions. Well, you know where your position is right here on the Harland Highway.

I know. I know. You're like, how does he go from talking about rotten eggs to sex positions? I don't know. I just don't know. It's like I had to get my head out of the whole egg thing and think is something more erotic that didn't disturb me. So there you go. And don't give me that look. You've all done the wacky sex positions. In fact, if you have one in particular that you might want to share with all the rest of us,

that has a funky name, maybe a position you invented, maybe you're into yoga, maybe, I don't know. I think we would love to hear from you and see what kind of nonsense you've been up to. So if you have the Cajonies to call, it can be anonymous. You don't have to leave your name. 888, 52090, and tell us about your adventurous,

sexual positions and please give us the names of them we'll do a whole run on that that could be hilarious so I look forward to your calls 888 500 2090 and also don't forget to write please write to save a shark

at gmail.com this is the campaign we're doing to try and stop the process of finning I mean the reality is We won't stop it, but we can put a dent in it. And we can feel good about doing something to help save a species that's being decimated in the oceans where they cut the fins off and throw the live sharks back in the water to die so they can make shark fin soup. Ridiculous.

I'd rather see people eat eggs. So if you want to get involved, write to us at Save a Shark at gmail.com. and we will send you a cover letter that you can sign and mail to a restaurant that serves shark fin soup and kind of threaten them saying, you know, we're not going to come and eat there until you take that off the menu. And that's where it starts. And I want to thank people who have been writing in. Since we started this recently, we've been getting a lot of you listeners shooting an email to save a shark at gmail.com. and we've been sending out a lot of these letters,

and I'll tell you what, man, if enough people do it, we can make a change. And I'm not Mr. Politics. I'm not Mr. Soapbox, but you know what? It's one thing when humans hurt each other because we have free will, we can think. But when I see humans decimating and torturing and killing innocent animals,

it just doesn't, you know, it's just unfair. it's not right and I appreciate all of you that are jumping on board and trying to make an impact with this so bless you thank you save a shark at gmail dot com and in a funnier note uh don't forget you can see me valentine's day weekend at the irvine improv comedy club in orange county california i will be there uh Friday the 29th right through till Monday night, the 14th of February, which will be Valentine's Day, special Valentine's Day show. Go to improv.com or Harlanwilliams.com for all the details. Don't forget, you can download us on your phone at Stitcher.com.

They have a free app for you to use so you can listen to the highway on your cell phone. And please check out the Harlandwiliams.com store for merchandise. My new book is there. The things you don't know, you don't know. And I guess I should mention I'm going to be in Hollywood at the Improv on February 25th and 26. That's down in Hollywood, California, just two nights only. Again, you can go to improv.com to reserve your tickets. It's going to be awesome.

And that's all the announcements I have right now. Once again, everybody, thank you for being here. great to have you tell your friends about the highway and we will be back very, very soon. And until that time, all I can say is chicken chau-main, baby.

AAH, ha ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.