The Harland Highway - PODCAST 229 - VALENTINES SHOW

Episode Date: February 11, 2011

Yes lovers, it's the Valentines show. Today we talk all about love and have guests and read mushy letters and take your phone calls and love, love, love, baby!!! Turtle egg delights!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the look of love, that is the look of love. I'm Harlan Highway. I'm Harlan Williams, the love master. And I say that because, as you can tell, by the music, this is kind of our Valentine's Day show. Yeah, that's right. Valentine's is coming up. Are you ready? We're dedicating this whole show to Valentine's, so I hope you're all about the lovin, the mushy loving. We're going to be talking about some dating ideas.

I'm even going to get some date, Valentine date suggestions from you guys. A lot of you phoned in with some great ideas. I think a celebrity's coming by to wish me happy Valentine's Day. All kinds of weird people are dropping in to give us their spin on Valentine's Day. And then we're going to have, we have this guy that comes in from time to time and reads these wonderful, flowery, romantic letters just to put us all in the mood. It's going to be great. I can feel the love already.

I can feel your heart beating. And no wonder, you're on, the Harlan Highway! Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hi, I'm Jackie. Want to play? Please go away and leave me alone. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway.

Man, keep it going. Love the show. You're hilarious. My blan. My blue blanket. Give me my blue blanket. Passing your seat, you're writing down the Harlan

Highway. It's the Harland Highway. Have you checked the children? Hey, hey, hey, it's Harlan Williams here on the Harlan Highway. And Valentine's Day is coming up, people. And I put the call out for your suggestions for romantic Valentine's Day activities. Some of you called my answering machine and left me some pretty darn good ideas. I got to say.

Yo, Harlan, I got an idea for you. Get your girlfriend a shovel, put, like, you know, ribbon and rapids, whatnot. And then just get her to, you know, shovel my whole street. Because the snow is everywhere. Thanks, Harlan. Peace. Okay, that sounds really romantic. I'll get right on that.

My name is Cheryl. Um, go have your pictures taken for a Valentine's portrait and then takers. to a nice dinner. That would be great, I think, and you'd have something to remember that this Valentine's Day forever with the picture. Thank you very much. Bye. Uh, yeah, and maybe have another drink? That'd be great. Or two? Great.

Or three? Great. Or how about just balance a beer keg on your forehead and let it drain right down your throat? That'd be great, I think. Okay, cool. Let's see what other Valentine's suggest. we have. Hey, Harlan, my name is J.P. I think the most romantic Valentine's Day you could possibly have is going out and picking out some new drapes for the trailer. And after that, getting my girl a new shotgun and going out to shoot

some skates. Strat damn, that girl can hunt. Oh, it's nice to see that the Beverly Hillbillies are still out there being romantic. Hey, Harlan, why don't you take her to the bar and get a drunk and take her home and make hot sex with her? Oh, see? And who says that men don't know how to romance a woman anymore. I mean, come on. Oh, hey, man. Here's what you get your girl for Valentine's Day.

Okay, so, like, get one of those ball gags, like, from Pulp Fiction, you know, and you put that on her, and you get a leather writing crop, and then you singer the theme to deliverance. Dina-na-na-na-na-na-nair-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na. Is that romantic enough, man? Ha-ha, ha, ha. You know what, dude? And this day and age, it probably is.

Well, thanks for all your calls. Happy Valentine. Hold on. We got one more call coming in. Hang on. Hey, Harlan. It's Stephanie from Denver. Long time, no talk.

I think for Valentine's Day, you should just do me. I want to see if you remember me. Okay. We got to go. Great suggestions, everybody. Thanks for calling in. Just do me. I don't know who that is.

It's Stephanie from Denver. never heard you. Just do me. Uh, do what? Me. Uh, got to go. Harlem Williams here on the Harlan Highway. It's Stephanie from Denver.

Yeah, near, near, near, near, near, near, near, near, near. Just do me. Oh, wow. Aggressive. Aggressive. Oh, Valentine's Day. I guess maybe this whole show should be dedicated to love and Valentine's Day. I know it's, uh, it's coming up.

and you know it's kind of a fun a fun thing i don't think it's an official holiday but i think it's interesting that we have a day in the year kind of dedicated to love you know we've got so many other days president's day and Halloween the celebration of the dead and easter and christmas and hanaica and all these days that are so official but you know at the core of the human machine, at the core of human existence, isn't that all we really want? You know, forget about all the hullabaloo

and the money and the toys and the games and the sex and the whatever. If you just boil it right down, isn't that all you really want is just to be loved? And that's what makes the day fun. Um, for those of you out there that don't have anybody, you know, maybe think about an old flame you used to have, you know? Think about an old boyfriend or girlfriend, not in a depressing way, but just know that, oh, well, I don't have anyone with me right now, but at one point I had some love and it was fine and it was good and think of the good times. and then go sit in a corner with a knife and rock back and forth

and stab it into the hardwood floor and chant. Oh, does it hurt? Does it hurt if you're a single and it's Valentine's Day? Do you want to share your thoughts with me on that? 888, 52090? I don't know. I hope you're not sad. Take yourself out on a date, you know?

Make it a unite. If you don't have anyone in your life, if you just broke up, if you haven't had a date in years, just make it a you night. Be your own Valentine. Take yourself out for a dinner. Take yourself out to a movie. You know, just celebrate yourself. Enjoy loving yourself.

Not in a conceited way. Just in, it's good to be alive. I like who I am. I'm a good person. And damn it, I'm going to love myself. treat myself just don't do the whole making love to yourself when you get home later okay that's a little creepy but other than that you go out there and love hey hey hey it's harlan williams rolling with you on the harland highway i hope everybody's got their business together man

I'm still scrambling to figure out a gift for my little lady and uh hang on what somebody's here with gift suggestions okay I can use some uh let them in who is it oh god not this kid hi I'm cinnamon boy oh what are you doing here kid I heard you were looking for gift ideas

and I sure have one yeah I sure do Oh, gee, let me guess. What is it? Um, nutmeg? No. Uh, paprika? No. Uh, cilantro. No. Cinnamon? Yeah, that's right. Cinnamon! Because I'm cinnamon boy! Hey, kid! I'm gonna roll your cinnamon ass out of the studio if you just don't take a chill pill. I don't need to take a chill pill when I can snort seven lines of cinnamon! You are... You've got... You've got... a problem all you'd ever do is get cinnamon gone it sounds like you've been snorting the stuff maybe so you're admitting you're jacked up on cinnamon maybe are you or aren't you what do you think of course i am i'm cinnamon boy and i love cinnamon take it easy kid holy god now did you java valentine i sure do and what did you get her A candy heart.

Okay. For once, a straight answer. You got her a candy heart. That's scented like cinnamon! Because I'm cinnamon, boy, and I love cinnamon! Get him out of here. Idiot. Unbolt.

Why'd you let that guy in, Raj? He's just the dumbest kid. He makes no sense. All he ever talks about is cinnamon. Lock the door. Jeez. You can lock. Me out, but you can't lock out the fresh scent of cinnamon.

Happy Valentine's Day here on the Harlan. Cinnamon! Highway, get them out of here! And how many of you out there on the day of love are guilty of like a last-minute gift? I think every one of us has done it, right? Like, it's one of those things where you just let it sneak up on you. And you're like, oh, it's my girl. girlfriend. It's my wife. They already know I love them. I don't need to get on my gift. I don't need, what time is it?

Oh, my God. She gets home from work in an hour. We're going out to dinner. Oh, and suddenly you're panicking, right? And you don't have a gift, and you know it's not going to make you look good, and you know she'll probably be upset, even though you've been going out with her for a long time. And so you don't really know where to go and you want to get something done fast. and you don't go to a fancy flower shop because it's too much work, it's too far away. And you don't want to spend a bundle because you're already taking her for dinner. So what do you do?

You go down to like Rite Aid or Walgreens or Rexall drugs. You know how drug stores always seem to have those cheap, you know, they have the typical an aisle, Every holiday they do an aisle of Christmas stuff, of Easter stuff, of Halloween stuff, and yes, every Valentine's Day, they have that damn Valentine's aisle, and they got the most typical Valentine Gist, like a pink care bear with a Hershey Kiss heart and its paws, or the box shaped like a heart full of chocolates that were made in the middle of, like, North Korea. They taste like sawdust

And you're like, well, I don't care, man As long as it's red And it's shaped like a heart Or there's some pink in it Whatever There's some red stuff Uh, sir, those are our candy canes For the Christmas thing

That's coming up in December I don't care, there's red in it Are you telling me you're giving your sweetheart Candy Cains for Halloween? Yeah, it's red And while you're out of it, give me that sweater, jackass Hey, that's my sweater, what? you know it's like anything red anything faintly shaped like a heart and you just scramble

and in a way it's a bit of a sham because you know it really does say all you need to say when you're with that person it's obvious you know there's six billion people on planet earth you're with that person you've decided they're the one you love them so in a way it's kind of redundant to go out and do it but you know it's a holiday and it doesn't hurt to make that expression and even though you're kind of like oh you don't need to do that we're dating

we live together we're married whatever just do it anyways man it's just like it's like a little bonus treat it's like you know a little something stacked on something of something but it's the obvious and you're overstating the obvious and believe me as stupid as you think it feels or seems it definitely scores points and not just to get something from someone you love

but to give it it's always a good feeling you don't think you you need to like i said you're in that you're kind of in a habit situation you're you're used to each other you're kind of take each other for granted. You're like, ah, she knows I love her. What? I'll tell you what. There's something about giving that little gift, that little card, that little candy that does a little thing in you. It's like when you think you don't have any more love, it's like that scene in the Grinch when his heart grows and the frame of the mirror breaks. It's like, boing, your heart just expands a little bit more for the one you love. So get out there, get them something red or pink.

If you see a clown, pull his red nose off and give it to your lady, it feels just as good to give as it does to receive. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more

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discount and a hundred percent free shipping code harland have fun don't throw your back out hey hey hey you're rolling down the romantic harland highway on valentine's day with me harland williams who's valentineless bummer man i'm sure all you folks are going out for nice seafood dinners It's a red lobster or going to sit in front of the fireplace and make love on a bearskin rug. I'll be at home sitting in front of the fireplace. Warmest thing I'm going to have in my mouth is an oval teen, man. Bummer. That's, I'm just, oh, hold on.

Someone's at the door. Come on in, hello? Hi. Oh, my God. Julia Roberts? Hi. What are you doing here? I just came by.

I miss you Wow, you were here the other day We did a little interview And it was really fun And I just wanted to go To the janitor's closet and molest you Hold on, Julia Really honestly, you want to go?

Julia, I can't say that stuff on the air, man I don't care where we are I don't care about air Okay, I want to suck the air out of your lungs when I'm planting a seven-inch-deep French kiss on your mouth. Julia, this isn't really appropriate. Come on, let's go to the janitor's closet. We can't go to the janitor's closet.

How about the... is there an underground garage? We're not going to the garage. Julie, you're married. I don't care. Okay? I need you. I don't want you. I need you.

You're a piece of meat. You are a piece of... You are a piece of Harlan meat. I listen to your show every day, and you drive me bananas. I just can't stop being horny over you, Williams? Julia, settle down, okay? Look, you've got a big-time movie career. You're a mega-star.

You don't need me. Oh, don't I? Okay, why don't you tell that to my dreams? What do you mean? Okay, every night I go to sleep. I dream of you I dream of you riding up on a white horse I dream of you making love to me on a beach

I dream of you slamming me in a janitor's closet Now let's go Williams Julia Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa It's Valentine's day I need some Harlan meat Would you stop referring to me as meat Okay it's demeaning

I don't like that Oh shut up meat Whoa Julia what is there a boardroom somewhere or is a cafeteria i'll lean over the coffee machine i don't care if i get burnt by decaf take me now you hunk of meat julia what okay we'll go down to the underground garage good well let's shut you up for a while yes let's go i have to finish let's go now I have to finish my Valentine's Day show.

I said, now, meet. Folks, I got to go take care of Julia Roberts. Man. Now, meet! I got to go take care of Roberts. We'll be back. Happy Valentine's Day. Why me?

Damn it. Now, meat! I'm getting so I can understand arithmetic, but love is real tough to us. understand. Yeah, it is, man. The only great thing that can be said about love, not the only great thing, but probably the greatest thing that can be said about love, is that there's nothing else in the world that feels like it. And if you're lucky to enough, if you're lucky enough to have been in love, you know, and sadly there's people that haven't, you don't know, You don't know what I'm talking about, but there's nothing that feels better, okay?

Because it's just an overwhelming feeling. It's a vibe. It's an energy. It's a spirit. It's just, you can't even know what it is. You can't even really define it. It's just like this inner burning, like, glow that you have. And you just kind of, you know, your body and your mind and your spirit,

just it feels like you're floating. It feels like you're connected to the person you're in love with, even if they're millions of miles away. You just feel like they're linked into you. You're linked into them. Nothing can disturb that. And obviously that's the beginning stages of love. But, yeah,

there's really no other feeling like it. I don't think anything feels better than being in love. It truly is magical. And if you can get to that place or that place can get to you, because, you know, a lot of times you don't plan love, a lot of times you can't slot it in, you just have to let it come to you. You have to let it happen.

And what's amazing is when it washes over two people at the same time. I mean, it's hard enough for one person to feel love, but for both of you to be in sync, to be in harmony and feel that love together, that is magic. And not to rub it in, but I just, I always feel bad

when you meet someone later in life. Maybe they're in their late 20s, their 30s, God forbid, they're 40s or 50s, and they're like, yeah, I've never been in love. Yeah, never, no, never, never, never really happened for me. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I love my cell phone.

I love my ugs. You know, I love going for lattes at Starbucks. But is that love? Is that? No, it's not love. Love is butterflies and feeling goofy and daydreaming and smiling for no reason, just having a kick-ass grin on your face all day long.

And thinking of poetry and magic and oh it is it is grand it is grand so um i hope you're in love for this valentines um i hope you have someone because it it sucks when you're when you're not in love and sometimes you meet these people and this this this may be worse but at least they get there you know is is when you see people that are dating or they're living together they've been together for a long time and you go oh you guys must be in love and they're like no i don't i don't know what is love i mean i love i live with them he's a great guy i mean he's got i don't know i'm not really in love like what is love like is love even real like aren't you

just supposed to find someone like you can you know watch tv with and like go out for dinner like no that's even worse is when you've when you've when you're you sign off on someone and you make all these commitments and you live in what should be a loving relationship, but you don't even experience love? You just think, oh, well, I wasn't lucky enough to, you know, quote, unquote, fall in love, but we're doing all the things people do together, so who needs the love? Yeah, love makes a huge difference.

And the big kicker here is how many of you have made, love. Yeah, I'm talking the full going all the way. Intercourse. There I said it. We're adults. How many of you have made love while being in love? Not just sex. You know, you've heard that saying there's making love and then there's having sex or there's effing, right? Well, you know, you know when you're making love man when you're in love with someone and you're making love that that is a whole different level of sex if that's what you want to call it it it moves you it's emotional it's it's it's oh it's powerful every little touch every little look every little physical contact every little whisper, every breath is just like heavenly, man.

So, you know, I think that's one way you can tell if you've been in love, too, is if when you are with someone and your heart is just bursting and when you're in the throes of passion, your world is just like a volcano, you're just alive. Everything's super sensitive and, Oh, you know what, I might have to turn this thing off and go make love. But to who? They sound like Batman.

I must make love, Robin, but to who? Holy blow-up doll, Batman! Oh, God. Um, so yeah, I hope you have a great Valentine's Day. I hope you have someone to share it with. And if not, don't lose hope. Don't be sad. Your day will come along.

And, you know, maybe just for those of you who don't have someone who would maybe like to be a fly on the wall for someone else, we brought in our expert who likes to read his romantic letters on the Harland Highway. This guy's an old school romantic. romantic guy, and he's always dropping in and reading his, you know, personal, private letters of his romantic trists with his various lovers from back in the day. So let's go there now as we close out the Harland Highway and step back into a beautiful, wonderful, Valentine moment. My dearest Charlotte, I'll never forget it was the World Fair, 1942, and you and I were in attendance. There was a feeling of excitement in the air, the smells of summer drifting along the hot air.

And you and I walked hand in hand through the fairgrounds, children laughing, people, Screaming with delight as they played and froliced on the rides. I'll never forget how we passed one of the game booths, and you asked me to step up and throw a baseball at some plate so that I can win you a small trinket of my affections. I remember throwing the ball repeatedly over and over and missing my target and getting humiliated. You standing ever so patient, your love.

brown curly brunette hair flowing off your shoulders your rosy red cheeks smiling and the look of support in your eyes as I tried my best at last I grew frustrated and I turned from the plates and I'll never forget how I threw one of those hard balls right at your face and it hit you right between the eyes knocking you backwards and you fell and smashed your cranium against a steel railed. It was... Excuse me. Pardon me. Excuse me, what the hell is that? If you don't mind, I'm trying to read a romantic letter for Valentine's.

Well, that's not very romantic. You threw a baseball at your girl's face? If you don't mind, if you weren't there, I'd ask you to mind your own business. Just read it nice. What's the matter with you? I could never forget how you We gained consciousness and wobbled to the merry-go-round. We mounted some stationary horses, and we rode around and around in circles your white summer dress flowing in the wind. And then somehow I don't know why the Ferris wheel got going too fast, and you being on the outside flew off of your sturdy mount and pitched through the air,

about 60 miles an hour and slammed into a wall right now. Pardon me? Excuse me, I'm trying... I know what you're doing. This is supposed to be a romantic story. I told you we're on a ferris wheel. Yeah, and she flew off at 60 miles an hour

and splattered against a wall. It was more like a clunk, really. Would you just get on with it and be nice? I remember we stroll. through the crowds, people filling the air with excitement and anticipation as rides and games buzzed in our ears, and I walked over to the candy floss stand and I bought you a large, extra large candy floss, pink and blue, and you started to eat it with your pearly white teeth, and all of a sudden from out of nowhere, an angry swarm of honeybees,

Zoned in on your candy floss and swarmed your head, stinging your pale white skin repeatedly. You screamed and thrashed and eventually banged into the side of a tractor. Your eyes blackened and your gums bleeding profusely as the bees swarmed your eyes and nose and you couldn't breathe. Would you cut it out? Pardon me, do you mind? What are you doing? I'm reading a romantic letter, please. Look, I'm giving you one more chance.

This is sick. Do you mind if I finish? Get it over with, unbelievable. Thank you. I remember as night came, and the sun slid behind the hills, and you and I decided to stroll hand in hand into the circus tent where we watched clowns and acrobatts fly through the air, the smell of caramel corn permeating our nostrils.

And you laughed and giggled as they brought out the elephant. I believe Jumbo was his name. Jumbo stood on one leg and balanced on a ball and did all the commands that his trainer instructed. We marveled and gazed at this mighty beast until suddenly his giant trunk seemed to catch a whiff of your sweet perfume and a glazed look filled the mighty behemoth's eyes. He turned to you, and you had a shocked yet startled look on your face as if the thing was your friend.

Well, that soon ended when the giant mammal charged right at you and started trampling you, his massive hoofs coming down on your ribcage, your bones popping through your chest plate, your bones snapping like twigs, your crushed. Stop it! Do you mind? Yes, I mind. Get out of here. Just trying to read a romantic.

No, you're not. You're sick. Get the hell out. Crushed by an elephant. Do you mind if I say up yours? I don't think they said that back in the 40s. It had to start somewhere. So up yours.

Get out of here with your dumb letters. Unbelievable. That was sick. Good Lord. What a way to end the Valentine's Day show. I apologize, folks. God, startling. As they shoveled you up with the manure shovel, your bones and gut... Stop it!

Get out! Let's end it right there, folks. Happy Valentine's Day. Be kind to the one you love. show them some affection, give them some love, keep the love going throughout the world, and all the best to you and yours. Kiss, kiss, hug, from me, Harlan Williams,

here on the Harlan Highway. And until next time, chicken, chow, maine, baby. And say, Martin, maybe one day you'll find true love. You say maybe there must be a solution to the one thing, the one thing we can find. That's a look. That's to know. Sisters and brothers should help each other. That's the night.

That's a little. That's a little. That's a good. UBI, UPI, HIPO, that's new. That's good. That's good. Look for love.