The Harland Highway - PODCAST 230

Episode Date: February 14, 2011

Babies, scented things, Phone in's, let's read a poem, and the miracle of birth. Blustery balooga buns!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Mm-hmm. That's right. Mm-hmm. That's right. You own a hauling highway, baby. What the hell voice was that? What am I like, I don't know. It felt like a big, big black lady on our porch watching traffic go by. I don't know. That's right, baby. Idiot. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. Very weird stuff. but it's a very weird show so it all goes together i guess uh my apologies if you are a big black lady who happens to be standing on her porch um but what a show uh we're going to be talking about babies today anyone out there have a baby we're going to be discussing babies and not just babies but the miracle of birth it might get a little controversial some of the things i have to say

I'm not good with the whole birthing thing. So see what you think. We're going to be getting into cents. And I don't mean money. I mean, everything seems to be scented these days. Something unusual today. I'm doing something I've never done on the show before. You might think of me as a wuss or you might like it.

It's kind of weird and it's different. We're going to have people calling in today. All kinds of stuff. You know how it goes right here on the heart. Highway! Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hi, I'm Jackie want to play? Please go away and leave me alone.

You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Man, keep it going. Love the show. You're hilarious. My blank and my blue blank. You're riding down the Harlan Highway. It's the Harland Highway.

Have you checked the children? Hey, this is Harlan Williams here on the Harlan Highway, and today... Hold on. My phone's ringing. Hang on. Hang on. Hello. Hey, Harlan. How you doing? Hey, man. What's going on? What can I do for you? It sounds like a pretty cool guy on the radio, and I'd like to be your friend.

Okay. I'm hoping we might be able to hang out sometimes. I don't know, man. I got to be kind of careful. You're not one of these weird, nutty, like, whack job guys, are you? You know, my family says I'm making projects, so... Uh, yeah. Okay, dude.

I better put you through a screening process first. What do you think about standing outside someone's window all night with an axe in one hand and a weed wax. or in the other, covered with pig's blood. Man, I think it's really cool. Oh, boy. I don't know, dude. Maybe we can hang out.

Yeah, I, uh... My family says I'm making progress. Yeah, I think I'm busy, dude. I'd like to be your friend. Oh, you know what, dude? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. This is so bizarre.

I just looked at my calendar. I'm looking at it right now. Oh, my God, I can't believe it. It looks like I'm busy for the rest of my life. Feel free to call me back anytime. Yeah, okay, thanks. Wow, buddy, I'll be sure and set up a date for us real soon. Me, you, Chuck E, Cheese, and your counselor.

Highland Williams. And speaking of date, How many of you are going on a date tonight for Valentine's Day or Valentine's Night? I know we did our Valentine's show last week, late last week, but today's the official day. So, you know, I'm just, I just wanted to wish you well. If you're going out on a date tonight, have fun. Be romantic.

Maybe write a poem or something. thing you know um does anyone write poems anymore well i tell you there is one person who does write poems anymore even though that's not the way i should be saying it um i know this is a weird thing to put on a podcast you know i'm a dude you know i like sports i like you know telling you that i write poems is probably kind of not the most manly thing but i don't care i find I find it a soothing, therapeutic, relaxing way to kind of get in touch with my inner feelings and express them and put them on paper and deal with myself. And some of them can be very dark, some of them can be very light, some of them can be in the middle.

And on this occasion, you know, I wrote a poem about kind of losing love. And since we're talking about love, and it's a valiant. Valentine's Day. This is maybe the sad side of love. And then also this poem was kind of about when I was thinking of all the soldiers that go off to war all over the world, including probably some that you know,

going to Iraq or Afghanistan or wherever, and they never come home. And so, you know, these feelings of love, feeling of death, feelings of just being human, strike a chord with me and so I'm going to take a gamble I'm going to read my poem to you here and see if it maybe strikes a chord with you

so here we go forever gone look out the window far beyond what you can see see me there alone again trying to break free set your foot to greener ground

and run till breath is lost. Run for all your life is worth. Forget about the cost. And I will turn when you approach and reach out my empty hand. And maybe when we touch again, we can understand. Until then I keep on looking

for answers I can't find and stare for. from my own solitaire in a corner of your mind, forever gone. Mm-hmm. There it is. I bet you thought it was going to be jokey or silly or funny, because that's what I usually do. But I always like to throw you guys a little curveball,

keep you guessing, throw in a surprise. So that was maybe the more sensitive side of me You got to take a peek at That was a real poem There might be people going You know what, that's it That's the straw that broke the camel's back The guy reads a goofy poem

I'm out I'm not listening to that damn podcast ever again What the hell is he doing? And then some of you might be going I kind of liked it I don't know, but I threw it out there. I put my neck out there. I'm not ashamed of it.

I'm damn proud. Life is full of experiences, and that was just another one. But you let me know what you think. 888, 500, 2090. Just stop the poems. Stick with the wacky. Or would you maybe like to hear another one somewhere down the road that I wrote? I don't know.

uh it's your call um i look forward to hearing your feedback 888 500 2090 and now now that we we've got that kind of deep dark introspective piece of material out there let's get back to the wild and the wacky yes oh hang on hang on my phone's ringing hello Hey, Harlan, you're a big idol of mine. I look up to you, man. Thanks, man. I just had a favor to ask you. It means a lot to me.

I don't know how I'll get Cindy Margolis in on it, but I was just wondering if you and my wife and Cindy Margollis could do a three-way, and I could walk. That would be great. I don't know if that could be a range. Wow, I don't know, dude. That's a pretty tall order. I mean, I don't even know what your wife looks like, dude.

I mean. Okay, okay. I got a new proposition. You, the weather ladies from 9 News, my wife, and Dinger the Rockies mascot. Big old orgy. What do you say, buddy? Oh, come on, man. I haven't even met these people.

I mean, what am I supposed to say here? Okay, okay, okay. I admit my last two offers weren't very pleasing. But how about this one? What about this one? You, my wife, the jolly green giant, and ripped horn. Is that a good one? Wow, the Jolly Green Giant.

Talk about nibblets. You know what? You almost got me, man. You're willing to throw in like 70, 80 bucks just so I can have some gas money and buy some chips? And I want to be scrubbed off by Portuguese circus midgets when I'm all done, okay? Uh, come on, dude. What do you say, man? Uh, dude.

Okay, okay. Oh, and one last thing, dude, I want you to videotape it. And I'll let you sell it in most European countries and the Orient. And I'll let you keep all the profits, man. I don't care. Give it to some kind of charity. Send it to the little green sprout, okay? That would be great.

Okay, man, we got a deal. Sounds fun. Thanks for calling, man. And I got to run, folks. I got to get to an orgy. If I smell like Peas and carrots tomorrow Blame it on the Jolly Green Giant

Because if you're at an orgy With him, you know he's a Ho-ho-ho. I don't know. Do people even do orgies anymore? Just that word. It feels like it's from 1970, doesn't it? Doesn't it feel it's right up there

with like groovy and right on and out of sight and sit on it? Like, hey man, come on over to my pad dude and let's have like a groovy orgy man like we're gonna be tripping out and doing a Mongolian cluster beep right I don't know the idea of an orgy sounds really fun right like just rolling around and just going from person to person like on a certain level it sounds like wow

but then if you really dissecting it if you really break it down it's like oh I'm going to roll over to this girl that my buddy Jim was just inside of so let me roll this way to Carol because my neighbor David was just performing

oral you know what I mean and then you got to figure if you're rolling around It's been an orgy, right? You know, at some point, you're going to touch a guy, okay? The girls at some point will probably rub up against a nude girl, and the dudes at some point would probably rub up against a nude dude. I just did another poem, a nude dude.

And, you know, I don't need that. I don't need to be scarred emotionally, psychologically, physically. I don't need to be having the time of my... life with, uh, you know, some beautiful hot girl and the guy from my local grocery store, Eddie who bags my groceries is suddenly his back is against mine and our naked buns are touching. God. No. So I don't know. I don't know. Orgy, I don't know. Do people do it? Have any of you been in an orgy? I've certainly never been in an orgy orgy. Orgy? It just seems antiquated, but I guess it still happens.

I guess there's people that get off on it. There's probably people like, oh, I can have sex, but not unless there's 12 people around, man. You know, that's just the way I roll. So I don't know, being at Valentine's, and, you know, sometimes people get a little, you know, exploratory. Sometimes people get a little kinky. Sometimes people get a little adventurous.

Crookie, look at the size of that one. on valentines right so i don't know maybe this is your year february 14th orgy la da da la da la da da da slap whackety whack oh man i don't know i for one will not be there at your orgy okay because i'll be busy grooving to some platters down at uh the far out flop house So, you know, I'm just trying to do more hippie talk. But, hey, bust loose. Do what you got to do, man. And just watch out for that guy who bags your groceries

because he might just accidentally roll the wrong way and bag you. Yikes. Uh-oh. Looks like my phone's ringing. What? We got a complaint? Uh-oh.

Somebody's calling. calling in to complain about what bit, the bit I did about tipping. Waitresses. Okay, let's put her on. Hello. I did not appreciate the slam on servers. Waitresses, which are now called servers, they work very, very hard for very little money. Yeah, well, I think you're missing the point.

You see, what I was trying to say was... You would not believe how many people would tip. up like 50 cents for a $100 dinner when these people just, you know, they run their tails off. Yeah, if you just give me a second to explain. They're courteous and having what you

had on the radio in courteous people to not tip well. And these people are depending on those tips. Well, if you'll just let me speak for a second, what I was trying to say, the point I was trying to... I find it

very unprofessional to have had that bit on there about waitresses and how they're really horrible servers and don't deserve their tip. No, what I was saying is it's like one in a hundred. Most waitresses or servers are really great, but every now and then, you get a real bad one. That's like one in a hundred. That's what I've been saying, lady. Come on. I got to go.

It's the Harlan Highway. Hello? man she's upset i did a bit a while back i guess i was talking about how some waitresses are just a nightmare a disaster and i i believe i said like i pointed out to that talkative listener it's one in every hundred you get one that just doesn't pay attention to detail and screws up your meal but nonetheless i i don't mind i can take the heat um if you have something you disson agree with uh on the podcast on the harland highway you can phone and voice your opinion i won't get mad even if you're mad i won't get mad or maybe i will get mad maybe we'll get mad together it's

okay um but if you uh if you have something you want to say man 888 500 20 90 um you know people People just, uh, people get fired up about stuff, man. People just got to chill out. People got to not get too worked up about the little things, you know? Maybe just go home, pull your slippers off, put your feet up on the coffee table, put some cucumbers on your eyes, and light some relaxing, scented candles. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority.

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Okay, enough. Are we sick of everything being scented nowadays, people? Does everything have to be scented? Oh, my God. Now they got laundry detergent that smells like cinnamon and lemon meringue. I mean, come on, you're walking down the street. Hey, John, you smell like freshly cut pineapple. You've been to Hawaii?

No, just did a load of laundry this morning. How do you like my socks? They smell like pea soup. Scented candles. We got scented coffee. We got scented towels. We got scented air fresheners. Oh, I love your new puppy. What is it?

It's a hazelnutri-cream poodle. Oh, he smells delicious. Can I put some whipped cream on top of his head? I was at a funeral the other day, man. I went to say a final prayer. I leaned over the cough, and the guy had that new car scent with a hint of cranberry. What year is this casket? Does it have airbags?

Oh, man, all this scented stuff just stinks. Yeah, scented. Um, you ever frieze your lover? You ever have to do that? You ever have to frieze your partner? Hmm. It's probably not a good sign, but nothing beats the stink. Nothing beats the stink of fresh laundry.

What is it about that smell that we like? I think it might have something to do with, you know, being a baby or something. Remember whenever you smell like a baby's blanket or you sniff a baby, they've got that clean, like, baby stink? So I don't know, maybe Fabriz, like, they have a big factory where they squeeze babies and all their drippings go into a bottle.

You know, they catch baby tears, or they screep, They scrape, you know, the flakes off a baby skin or they cut baby hair and put it in a blender and make like a milkshake and pour it into a bottle and put a sticker on it and call it Fabriz. I don't know, man. We love that baby reek, man. That's what I, maybe if I ever have a kid, I'll just name them Fabriz. Fabriz, come in for dinner.

All the neighbors are gathered around. We just want to smell your kid, man. Come on, let us smell your kid. Oh, my God, there's a riot starting outside on the front lawn. We want to smell the kid. We want to smell the kid. Can I just please rub your baby all over my pillow? I love the smell of babies.

Yeah, kind of creepy. But anyways, we love the smell. Just keep your hands off the kids. Hey, it's Harlan Williams. You're on the Harlan Highway, and this creeps me out, man. Some lady gave birth in Brazil to a 17-pound baby boy. I mean, holy God. Just imagine the sounds you'd hear in the delivery room, man.

Oh, just the stretching noises. It would sound like someone stretching saran wrap over an old bowl of jello, like an old door in a haunted house. Can you imagine the doctor? Uh, Mrs. Francesco, you didn't happen to swallow a pumpkin, did you? No? Okay, then I can see its head. I can see its head.

What do you do? How do you give birth to a 17 pound? That's like a guy, give him birth to a 12-year-old. I mean, did this kid come out wearing clothes already? Sucking a lollipop and a balloon in his hand? Hi, mommy. Oh, my God. It's a huge baby.

Imagine having a breastfeed? You'll have to get some kind of like nipple protectors or something, man? Dip them in wax or melt some lead on them or something. I mean, that's a big mouth. A kid can swallow the whole thing. What do you name a kid like? that thunder jumbo shrimp

get the liposuction ready junior's just been born here on the Harland Highway Oh yeah I remember in high school man Catholic high school we used to have to take

a six education class and it was anything but educational right they didn't teach you how to do it They didn't teach you how to be a better lover. They didn't teach you how to pleasure the opposite sex. They basically put the fear I got in you. Yes, children, masturbation is a sin. Every time you masturbate, you're sinning.

You should not have sexual contact until your 76 years. was I, I should not have sexual contact to the 76 years old. Right? Sex educate. Do they still do that in high school? Sex education? I don't know. Pretty wild. But anyways, where I was going with this is

they made us watch a movie that was like shot in Holland or something, because God forbid they ever show any nudity in the United States, right? They showed us a very, very, very graphic movie of a woman giving birth, like a close-up of her Vajajay and the baby coming out. And not only did they stop there, but they made us sit through the whole afterbirth thing. And the placenta and all that stuff.

And I was just like, I got to tell you, man, all it did to me, and I'm just being honest. It made me never want to watch a baby being born. I don't care how much I would love my wife. If she said, stand down there, I want you to watch. I want you to see junior pop into the world. Please watch as he comes squirting out of my vajay. I'd be like, no.

No, no, no. That would be like watching you take a movement that cries, okay? A movement with a little bit of hair, some fingers, and it cries. Yee, he. I know that sounds really mean and really, like, debasing human life, but I'm sorry, I'm squeamish, okay? I have too much respect, too much of, too much adoration for the Vajajajas.

to get that burned into my mind the idea of a human being crawling out of the area that, you know, all men are trying to crawl into. I know, it's primitive. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, I get squeamish if I cut myself, I faint, I faint, I'm not gonna watch

a human being wiggle out of my wife think about that that's insane I don't know man I don't know if you can do it some people it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen

I mean I used to fly to Bermuda every Friday night just to watch the sunset because the most beautiful thing I've ever seen but when my wife spread her legs and popped Alan out into the world, I just about melted.

I mean, who needs another sunset or a rainbow when you can watch your own wife stretch open and a baby comes squirming out into the world covered with disgusting juices all over it? All the ladies are going, screw you, Williams, man. Give him birth is beautiful. I'm not saying it's not beautiful.

It is beautiful. The miracle of birth is fascinating. It's beautiful. It's incredible. I just don't need to see it. Okay? It's the same way when I go to a restaurant and I order a beautiful meal. The chef can be back there doing his magic.

I don't need to watch them cook. Just bring it out and put it on the table, fully dressed and ready to admire. Okay? At least I'm being honest If you ladies are upset What can I do? At least you know where I stand I have a vision of your

The JJ Guess what? I'm a man It's a sexual vision It's not Where I want to see my son or daughter Hanging around Okay

I hope you understand It's just imagery, man. The wrong imagery can be burned into your brain forever. It's like, have you ever seen something horrific? And I'm not trying to say giving birth is horrific, but have you ever seen a body laying at the side of the road after an accident or, you know, the Twin Towers coming down on 9-11? Or someone getting hit by a car or something,

it just stays with you forever. A, I don't want to see my wife open up And see my kid come out And then B, I don't want to be watching my kid as he grows And he's up on stage doing a play at kindergarten And he's like a little, you know, like a bird Or he's a scarecrow And I start picturing him covered in the JJ juice

Oh, God, I'm just digging myself a hole here, man. I'm just trying to keep it real. You know, I worship kids. I worship women. I worship the vajajay, but I'm just going to shut up. You know where I stand. I hope you know what I mean. I'm not trying to demean women or the act of giving birth.

It's just some things I have to hold sacred. You know, think of them for a specific, thing, a specific function, a specific part of that total person, that total being, and leave it there. Okay? I don't want to watch my girlfriend pick her nose. I don't want to watch my girlfriend wipe her butt. I don't want to watch my girlfriend pee.

I don't want to watch a human being come out of her womb. Oh, God. There's no winning. I've stayed in my case. You know what? Let me know what you think. If you're mad, you can let me know. Or if you agree with me, let me know. Maybe there's actually some women who agree with me. Maybe there's some men that don't agree with me. You know what? Let me hear your point of view. 888-52090. I have a feeling I'm going to get some good calls on this one. 888 500 2090 the watching the baby come out debate here on the harland highway mom i've got to ask you something real personal do you douche i sure do but only with massingville

vinegar and water why massingil vinegar and water that's what my doctor recommends for a naturally fresh feeling only massingill has two vinegar and water duches pure extra mild and extra cleansing when you need it. You'll see how clean and fresh Messinger makes you feel. Massengo, trusted by more women than any other brand. Wow, what a way to bring everyone into Valentine's Day, talking about the end result of making love. But that's what we do here.

And speaking of the end result, we are at the end of the show today. I hope you had a great time. Don't forget, you can call me 888, 52090, or write me at harlumwilliams.com. If you want to see me live, you can catch me this weekend in Arizona. I will be at the Tempe Improv. You can go to improv.com or Harlemwilliams.com for tickets and showtimes, all that information. I will be there the 18th and the 19th of February this coming weekend. It's going to be great.

It's one of my favorite clubs in the country. Just fantastic. So come on out and check the kid out the Tempe Improv all this weekend. Don't forget to get involved with Save a Shark at gmail.com. If you want to help put an end or at least put a dent in the process of shark finning in the world, just drop a line to save a shark at gmail.com give us your email address and we'll send you out a cover letter

that you can sign, drop in the mail and send to a restaurant that is serving shark fin soup which is killing all the sharks in the seas. And don't think because they're predators and they're mean-looking, they deserve to die. Uh-uh. They get their fins cut off and they get kicked into the sea and they're an important part of our ecosystem.

So show some compassion and if you want, get involved and help the cause. Save a shark at gmail.com and next weekend I will be at the Hollywood Improv here in Hollywood, California down on Melrose Boulevard. That'll be the 25th and the 26th of February. don't forget to check out the harland williams.com store for all your fun merchandise and you can pick up the harland highway at stitcher.com it's a free app at stitcher you can listen to the harland highway on your cell phone so there we go all the announcements out of the way have a great great valentine's day hope you are spending it with someone that

mean something to you. Love makes the world go around, baby. Oh, I said baby again. Oh, God. Are you having all the same visions I'm having? Let's get out of here. Until next time, a big, fat bowl of chicken chow main, baby. Thank you.