The Harland Highway - PODCAST 231

Episode Date: February 16, 2011

Blind people and seeing eye critters, Julia Childs cooking lesson, guys try to cook, a visit from Hawaiian law enforcement, strange discoveries, and the human race. Wobbly bobbly socks!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In a white room with my iPod, listening to the Harland Highway. Yeah, that's what you should be doing right now. You should be in a white room with your iPod listening to the Harlan Highway because to listen to the show, you do have to be clinically insane. But that's why we love it, right? And what a packed show we have today. We're going to be talking about the human race. Yeah, it gets a little deep.

it gets a little grim here today, but we're going to have an in-depth discussion about who we are and how we affect this planet. So I hope you're ready for that discussion. Julia Child is dropping by to do some cooking. We're going to be talking about blind people and seeing eye critters. We have a special guest from law enforcement dropping by

to discuss some recent crimes and murder cases and what not. We're going to be talking about some strange discoveries. I guess they found a strange new type of creature roaming in the seas. And we're going to be talking about guys. Yeah, all you guys. And do you cook? Do you know how to cook?

Is cooking a nightmare for you, gentlemen? I know it is for me. But I'll tell you what's not. Cooking up this show, you're right here. Turn up the heat. It's the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hi, I'm Jackie.

You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Man, keep it going. Love the show. You're all right. My blanche. My blue blanket. Give me my blue blanket.

Passing your seat, you're riding down the Harlan Highway. It's the Haarland Highway. Have you checked the children? Well, hello, everybody, and welcome to the show. Good to have you here. We're going to be talking about this thing today. Hold on. Hold on.

What is that music? Chin Ho is here? All right, send them in. It looks like Chin Ho from Hawaii. Hawaii 5-0 is here to, every now and then he drops by and to, you know, kind of enlighten us, fill us in on some of his spectacular cases that go down on the big island of Hawaii. And here he comes, hey, hey, Chin, how are you? Hello, how are you? I'm good. Thanks for dropping by unexpectedly.

Yeah, it's okay. Okay, well, yeah, I guess it is okay. We don't have much choice, did we? No, I'm a Wai 5-0. Okay. Are you here to talk about a case? Yes, I am, yes. Okay, what's going on?

We have a millionaire heiress who was found dead in her bedroom. Oh, found dead in her bedroom? In Honolulu. In Honolulu? Any suspects? Yes. Okay, has it been solved? Yes.

All right, what was the verdict? What happened? I don't know what the terms are. She was stabbed to death. She was stabbed to death? With a pineapple. Okay. Okay, come on.

Stop the music. Stop the mute. Stop the music. What do you mean? She was stabbed to death. With a pie. Stop that music. Cut it out.

It was a very Christmas side. Where did this lady get her money? Why was she this billionaire heiress type of thing? She owned a farm. She owned a farm. A pineapple farm. Stop it. Stop the music.

Stop it. Is this going to happen every time you see? say pineapple oh come on you just said it not me yeah but stop that music all right are you done i have one more case all right one more case what is it child molestation okay you know what do we really need to hear a child molestation case yes oh okay apparently we do what happened child was molested. Well, yeah, that's kind of in the title. By a pineapple.

Okay. Turn, no, turn it off. Get out of here, Chinho. Up yours. What did you say? Up yours with a pineapple. Hey, turn it off. Don't let that guy back in here.

Up yours. I believe I, every time he, let's just move on. to the show it's the harland highway oh wait a second i just got a text hang on what's just say up yours what come on up you is he still in the building oh hang on i just got another one what's this one say pineapple oh come on oh come on turn it off And just when you think you've heard it all in the news, a story comes out that just kind of makes you go, huh?

Hello? What? A blind woman, maybe she just couldn't see properly. But instead of getting a seeing-eye dog, she bought one of these, like, miniature horses. And in some cases, these things are smaller than a dog. So she's got a seeing-eye mini-horse. Hello? Is that just a little strange?

I mean, horses are grazers, man. Hey, anybody's seen mom? Yeah, she's standing out in the field again, dude. How long has she been out there? Oh, since sunrise. Oh, okay. I mean, what the hell? A horde.

They're not the smartest creatures in the world either, right? Every time you want to go to the mall, Hi-ho Silver away! Ha! ha! Ha! Can a seeing-eye horse warn you if there's a fire, like seeing-eye dogs do? They start barking. Candle starts burning the couch here.

What? I guess the only benefit is you get to ride your seeing-eye animal around, right? Here she comes. She's leaving the house. She's going down to the front gate. She's at the front gate. She's out on the sidewalk. She's on the sidewalk. She's heading to the mall.

She's at the mall, and she gets to the mall by a nose. You're riding down the Harlan Highway. I better get down to the blacksmith. I got to reshoe my elephant. You know, it just occurred to me doing that bit. I've never asked this question before, but do I have any blind listeners on the Harland Highway? Are there some blind people riding down the highway with us?

I really just thought of that now after doing that bit and I thought, you know, my show is so full of kind of imagery for the mind, theater of the mind. I thought, you know, I bet blind people would really get off on this show because, you know, this show is, I like to paint pictures. As you can hear, I like to have police officers from Hawaii 5O come in and talk about pineapple. You know, so it's interesting.

You know what? I'd like to hear from you if you're out there. And I don't want this to sound insensitive, but if you can see a phone anywhere, I want you to pick it up and call me 888, 52090. I'm guessing they have braille phones, obviously. and if you feel so inclined, leave me a message. Because I think that would be really cool

to know that I have some blind listeners out there. So leave me a message, let me know, and I'm always curious how people get blind. I don't mean to sound insensitive or nosy or, you know, and nothing bad. I'm just, it's such an amazing kind of tragic thing that happens to people that they would lose their sight. Imagine not being able to see.

Everything's black all the time. And there's different degrees of being blind. There's people that are born blind and have never seen anything. And you have to go, is that better or worse than if, like some people, you are born with sight, but along the way, you lose that sight and everything goes black. You almost wonder, is it better to be born without sight

so that you're not teased for the rest of your life if you become blind? And, you know, who knows what's right. But I'm always fascinated to hear the stories about how blindness set in for certain individuals. And I'm not afraid of the blind. A lot of people get very, you know, uptight around the blind. and like, ooh, don't talk to them. Ooh, oh, a blind person.

You know, people get very sensitive. And all you ever hear from handicapped people is, we just want to be treated like everyone else, man. You know, we just don't think of us as blind. And I took a cue from that, and that's the way I am. That's why I'm not afraid to ask this question and sound so cavalier and kind of normal about it. Because, yeah, they're just people like you and me.

They lost their vision. or they were born without any vision and they are just normal folks and they've learned to cope and it's a bummer for sure but uh you know i've learned to just let it lie and not be afraid to ask questions about it and talk about it in case and point you know i do a lot of stand-up i've been doing stand-up for 20 years and i'll never forget the first time i did stand-up and there was a blind person in the very front row and they had their seeing-eye dog with them who sat there very quietly,

unfortunately too quietly. It didn't laugh once, which kind of made me feel insecure and offended me, but, you know, I really wasn't doing any canine humor or cat-related humor that day. So, you know, it's all about know-your-market, right? But nonetheless, this blind gentleman was sitting in the front row,

and I didn't really notice him until about halfway through the show. But what I did notice, is that he had been laughing vigorously throughout, and it wasn't until I looked down and I saw the dog. I caught the dog out of the corner of my eye, and I kind of tensed up. I was like, oh, my God, a blind guy.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, no. And if you've seen my act, you know, I like to talk to the crowd. I like to spritz, as they call it. Could I get a spritz over here, please? and I found myself purposely like shying away from the blind guy and a few minutes later in the back of my head while I was doing my routine I'm like what the hell am I doing this is just a guy he obviously made the effort to come out to the show

he's sitting here with his dog he's not hiding the fact that he's blind he's laughing just like every other normal person in the room why am I why am I getting tense about this blind blind guy here. Why am I, you know, trepidacious about talking to him? And I just went, screw it. I'm not going to be like that. And that old voice in the back of my head, we just want to be treated like everyone else. And I was like, you know what? That's what I'm going to do. That's what they want. That's what they're going to get. And so I went back to the blind guy and I just started chatting with them from stage. And I didn't know how it was going to go. I didn't know if he was going to be

if he was going to be upset, if he was going to feel intimidated or threatened or victimized. And you know what? It was just like talking to anyone else. In fact, it was almost even a little better because this guy's face lit up with joy. You know, like I said, I think people tend to keep their distance from the handicapped and from the blind. It makes them nervous. They don't know how to react. And this guy was overwhelmed that I just made him part of the show.

show him pulled him in and started talking to him and he was beaming his face lit up and his teeth were showing and he was smiling and it was a great experience for me and and for him and you know what I just thought I'm not going to avoid the obvious because once you kind of open that door you kind of got to walk right through it and it was fine for me and him you know all my fears and nervousness, like, dissipated almost immediately, but what happened is I felt the rest of the room clench up, like the whole rest of the room, like a communal, like,

he's talking to a blind guy. Oh, my God, what's he going to do? Oh, no, the poor blind guy. He can't talk to a blind guy. And I just went, you know what? I'm going to go for the obvious. I'm going to ask the question. And I just went, hey, dude, what's going on?

Blah, blah, blah. So how did you become blonde? How long have you been blind? When did it happen? What happened? And the guy who just chimed in, he said this, he said that, he, you know, he couldn't have been more accommodating. He was fine with the questioning. You know, that's who he is. That's what he is. At least that's part of who he is. He's blind. And so he wasn't afraid to talk about it. It was the rest of us that got all, like, you know, had to pickle up our buns. So it was a really cool experience, and this happened early on in my comedy career, and I learned from that never to stray away from anyone. Now I talk to anybody. I've talked to blind people.

I've talked to the hearing impaired. I've talked to people that are mentally challenged. I've talked to people who are in a wheelchair. I've talked to people who are crippled. I've talked to gang members. I've talked to, you know, I try to talk to anybody and everyone. We're all human beings, but everybody has their different thing that they carry around. And it was very gratifying and great exchange, and it opened the door to me for the rest of my career to continue this practice.

And it's never gone wrong. It's always been great. So long point I'm making here. I just thought of it. You know, we're over a year into the Harlan Highway, and I've never addressed this. So if there's any blind listeners out there, give me a call. 888-500-209. If you want to share your story about how you became blind,

how long you've been blind, it might be of interest to people listening. And it might help be an icebreaker because people do get tense about it. And more than that, you know, I'd love to hear what your experience is listening to this show. If it is kind of like theater of the mind for you, if it's pleasurable for your senses,

because I do try to paint these crazy worlds, these comedic moments, these comedic scenarios. And, you know, I'd like to hear if you like it, if you don't like it, just be interesting to me. I hope you listeners find it interesting, and it's a cool arena to talk about. So on that note, let's get back to more theater of the mine. Here's a guest we haven't had in for a little while.

She's a chef. She's a connoisseur. She is a master of the cuisine. She's been dead for quite a number of years. But back from the grave to share a dish with us, everybody, please welcome. Julia Childs. Hi, Julia. Oh, hello, it's so good to be out of that steamy little box.

Yeah, I guess you've been six feet under for a while. Let's call it eight and go for coffee. So, Julia, what are you going to concoct for us today? Well, what you do is you clean out your fridge. Oh, okay, yeah, I got a lot of junk in my fridge. Exactly. Everybody's got old food, sour milk, rotten eggs, What have you?

Okay, so what am I doing? I'm just throwing it in the garbage? Absolutely not. What you do is crack four rotten eggs into a fry pan. Use some stale butter to lubricate the pan, pour in a dabble of sour milk, and then some rotten cheese with some old fish and chunks of rotten moldy ham.

Okay, Julie, I'm not sure where you're going with this. Oh, it's a delicious. recipe this is a recipe what's it called i call it giant steaming pile of crap okay julia sounds delicious oh do you smell it too it smells like okay julia uh thank you i guess you better get back to the grave yes it kind of smells like that too i'm julia childs keep on cooking everybody okay there she goes Julia Childs back to the grave what a great way to get rid of your leftovers cook up a new dish called a steaming giant pile of crap oh bon appetit everybody yeah we've all made a big steaming pile of crap before right have you done that especially for guys like me who don't

really know how to cook guys are you out there are you with me or you on board with what I'm about to say i guess i should say it first it's like uh are you on board with me uh for what well for what i'm about to say well don't you have to say it first stupid oh sorry so here i go wow what's wrong with me um so every now and then you know a guy like me i bet there's a lot of guys out there you try you try to be a chef you try to cook you go you know what i've been going out for fast food. I've been doing this. I've been doing that. Damn it. I'm going to go to the store and I'm going to buy like the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, veal cutlets. I'm going to get the bread crumbs. I'm going to get the olive oil. I'm going to get the capers. I'm going to get the

chopped onions. I'm going to get the spices. I'm blah, blah, blah. And I'm going to cook myself a real meal, right? And you're kind of proud of yourself and you go get all the ingredients and it feels really weird because you're not used to doing it, but it's kind of fun, even though, you know, in the back of your head, if you had to do it every week, you jump off a cliff. But for now, it's okay because you're going to make a change. You're going to show the world and yourself that you can cook. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your

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And yeah, it's easy to do if you're frying an egg or making French toast. Okay, but when you try to go the least bit fancy, when you try to squeeze in the lemon, oil and you try to put in the shallots. You try to fry up the mushrooms and, oh, forget it. You try to make a glaze or a sauce. You know what you end up with? A great big steaming pile of crap, right? But because you made it and you put all that effort into it and it took you half a day,

you eat it? You eat it anyways, right, guys? and you're like, it's not that bad. I mean, something's a little off, but I don't know if I really, you know what, now that I think of it, I'm not really that hungry. God, what a shame. I made all this stuff.

And then you slowly, you kind of come out of denial, and you try to eat another bite. You're like, it's not so bad. I mean, they're all fresh ingredients, right? And your mouth is saying yes, but your brain is saying no. And finally you just go, what the hell? Who am I trying to kid? I just made a big steaming pile of crap scraping the garbage.

I don't know what I did. I'm going to Wendy's. Oh, don't waste that big steaming pile of crap. Oh, it's sad. It is sad. But we try, just so you ladies know. we try i guess it happens to the ladies too but somehow it just seems worse when a dude does it i don't know why

i guess because maybe it's it's more rare i don't know but uh it's weird and it's crazy but weird stuff happens in life right maybe one day i'll get it right but until then i always expect the unexpected I thought this was kind of cool. Every now and then this happens, but did you see late last week? I guess they found some kind of prehistoric shark swimming in the ocean,

some kind of giant weird prehistoric shark that's rarely, if ever, being seen by human eyes. And they got video footage of this thing, man. It even looks old. I mean, it just looked ragged and tired and old. And part of me was, like, excited to see it. It's like, wow. Look at that new thing, man.

It's another discovery made by the human race. But then at the same time, you've got to think, what's the shark's point of view, man? He comes up from the murky deaths, 70 million leagues below the sea. Comes up for the first time in 32 centuries to grab a little sun and have a seagull. And there's like an IMAX camera in his face

and a director and a producer floating around in Frogman suits and Jacques Cousteau's kid, Larry Cousteau or whatever his name is and underwater flashbulbs and boats overhead and propellers and holy God I don't know if you can roll a red carpet up out underwater

but that's that shark got everything but man roll out the red carpet here comes the medagalogathon or whatever its name was You know, whenever they find a new species, it can't just be like, oh, it's a fox. Oh, my God, we've discovered the Trigganaga Fligabagodong. How come it takes us so long to see them? Maybe they just know what's going up on planet Earth.

They know what we're doing up here. Let's see, global warming, melting the ice caps, toxic waste, nuclear war, Iraq, Rosie O'Donnell. I mean, I'm just going to stay down here. the blackest part of the ocean where nobody can see me. Watch out for sharks crossing the road, people, because you're bound to find a lot of them right here on the mysterious Harland Highway. Peace.

Ah, yes, sharks. You know where I'm going next. Don't forget to send us an email at save a shark at gmail.com. And we'll send you a letter that kind of explains it all in our efforts to stop the massacre of sharks in our oceans due to a process called shark finning. There's a great documentary called Shark Water. Check it out. Get involved. Do something good for the planet, for your fellow creatures. And speaking of species, odd species, this is a bit gloom and doomish, okay, but it's a weird, hard, cold reality.

of this world we live in? Do you know that according to statistics, I'm not pulling these out of my, but according to information I've read, 35 to 115 species go extinct every day on planet Earth. Now, I don't know if it's true. I mean, how do you track something like that? How do you monitor something like that?

And isn't that a hell of a lot every day? I mean, you're going to start running out of species after a while. Oh, hey, man, you want to go see those elephants? Wait a minute. Has anyone seen the elephants? Ah, they perished. Pardon me? They perished yesterday?

They're gone? Oh, darn it. I wanted to take a picture with my grandmother. Well, can we see a zebra? Those went about a week ago. Oh, well, a crocodile will do just fine. Yeah, uh, there's only one left, and it's in the hospital on a machine. Oh.

Yeah, we're losing 35 to 115 species a day. Sorry. What's your name? Oh, I guess you were next. But whether it's true or not, I do believe that we are probably losing a number of species a day. I don't know what the exact number is. I don't know how they could keep tabs on it.

It seems really high, but, you know, if you think about all the species on the planet, you're talking from, you know, microbiotic species to maybe plant species to bird species, to insect to, you know, just go through the whole list. And you go, hmm, maybe it is possible. But what's scary is it's sad. And what's scary is that you can bet your bottom dollar

that the majority of these species going every day is because of one species, us. And I've heard the theory thrown around that human beings, this is going to be hard to hear are a virus we are a virus on this planet like think of what does a virus do it let's say

you use your body as planet earth so let's say you get a virus a virus gets into your system it penetrates your system it slowly starts attacking all the living cells

in your system it starts to multiply, it starts to dominate, it starts to acquire all the real estate, it starts to choke off all that's healthy in your body, it slowly starts to shut down your vital organs, you get sick, and you die. So take a look at the humans, man. Look at us. Here we are, let's pretend that planet Earth is a circulatory system, okay? You get all your rivers and your tributaries and your estuaries and your lakes and your oceans and your skies and your forests.

And next time you fly over any part of the world, take a look down. It's rare you see a part of our planet that doesn't have a road winding through it or houses on it or they've cut down giant swashes of trees. Or there's boats on the lake. And you've got to ask yourself, man, are we that virus that's permeating throughout? Are we that virus that's slowly killing the vital organ? I know, man. This is getting dark.

This is getting dark and you almost don't want to think about it. You almost want to be like, shut up, Williams. I'm human, you jackass. And that's maybe where the dilemma is. It's like we as human beings just kind of, well, I'm here. What can I do about it? You know, there's too many of us. I can't stop it.

Whoopi-do, you know, once I'm gone, who cares? That's their problem down the road when there's nothing else living. It's a toughie. But most people would not sit down and reflect and look at the, magnitude of what I'm talking about. And most people would never acknowledge that humanity is a virus. Now, on its own, humanity isn't a virus just if you took a bunch of people and put them in a, you know, had them floating in space or on a big cruise ship.

It's like, hey, people. But transport all those people, those billions and billions of people onto paradise. and watch him start stomping around on it and crushing things and dumping stuff in the water and what does that leave you with? I know, you're like, oh, God, Williams, you're bringing me down, man. I know it's one of those hard realities, like, why even talk about it? Why even think about it?

Why even... Because we can't stop it, you know? There's no cure for here. humans, unless nature decides to really take over and wipe us out. And I guess I'm just one of those guys that think about a lot. Where is it all going? Where does it all come to a head? Because I think we as humans preoccupy ourselves.

We preoccupy ourselves with causes and with machinery and distractions and movies and jobs and families. and we conveniently don't think about the bigger picture. We don't think about where this road leads. It's interesting because if we do acknowledge it, we somehow have to probably look into creating our own extinction so that everything else could survive. I doubt we're going to do that. It's a toughie, man.

It's a weird one. It gets in your head. I'm probably messing up. your day I'm not trying to I'm just trying to open up the doors of stimulating thought and conversation and I'm not saying we should all be exterminated

nobody run and press the big red button okay nobody don't we don't want to see mushroom clouds because of this little conversation I'm having here I'm hoping here's where this part of the conversation gets optimistic

okay it's not all doom and gloom folks I'm hoping that as we progress as we keep moving along that we get over a certain hump and we as a human race figure out a way to transform our habits to create a more symbiotic relationship with our environment with our planet

I don't know what that means maybe we learn to float maybe we we somehow evolved to a point where we don't need to go to the bathroom. Maybe we don't need to eat anymore. Maybe we're just these floating living entities. Maybe we're flat like credit cards and we're just the same size,

but we can still do all the same things. I don't know. How can I know? You've got to get back to the future, Marty. It's interesting, man. It's just food for thought. I'm not trying to bum anyone out, but it's one of these topics

it just, you know, rarely gets talked about, I think. Because it's a toughie. It's hard to acknowledge that maybe we as a species, as a collective group, could be a scourge on the universe. Oh, I've dug a hole. Well, I'm interested in your thoughts on it. As I said, I do see light at the end of the tunnel. I'm hoping that we get to a bigger, better place.

where we learn how to deal with this and make it so that we are a healthy unit of living beings. But, you know, sometimes these thoughts get in your head. Why don't you let me know what you think? You can always call me 888, 52090. Or if you want to take a little more time and sit down and write about it, send me an email at harlornwilliams.com. debunk my

thoughts you can just write you're full of crap williams i turned on your podcast to have some giggles not to think about army getting for gris sake i was going to go to baskin robins and have some laughs listening to your podcast

and now i'm taking my family and putting them in the minivan and we're driving off a cliff thank you very much sir no don't go there it's all about the future Hopefully we get to that place I'm talking about. Let me know what you think. 888, 500, 20, 90.

And if this did bum me out and you need some laughs, well, you know what? Hey, I got some more upbeat news for you, okay? I will be this weekend in Tempe, Arizona, at the Improv. The 18th and the 19th. It's going to be a great weekend. It's one of my favorite comedy clubs. in the whole country.

Come on out and see the kid. Promise I won't talk about the human virus. Oh, how many losers. How many, not losers? How many listeners did I just lose? I hope you enjoy this type of talk because, you know, I love doing the funny, but I also like to probe deeper.

And, you know, we're all humans, and I like to discuss the human condition. So there you go. Let me get into some more announcements here. Here's one that's given back, all right? Here's some positive. Here's one where humans are doing good. I'm doing a big charity event, okay, for dogs and cats and animals and the Humane Society and all that.

I'm doing a big charity event. The 24th of February, that's a Thursday, that's next week, at a comedy club in Burbank, California called Flappers. It's a new comedy club And we're I'm going to be kind of leading the bill On a charity We're going to raise a ton of money For some of the critters

So you see that there's a little taste Of how you bring it back The humans cause damage But then it looks like You know We try to repair We try to fix We try to give back

And that's what we're going to do At the charity event stand-up comedy at Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank, California, went Thursday the 24th. And then the next two days, Friday and Saturday, baby, I will be doing my stand-up down at the Hollywood Improv in Melrose Boulevard, right here in Hollywood, California. So come on out and visit.

Make sure you pick up the show on Stitcher.com. So you can hear us on your cell phone. Check out Harlan Williams.com. We got lots of fun gifts and merch in the Harlanwilms.com store. And all I can say is I'm glad that you're here, that we've become a collective group. Hopefully all you listeners on the Harlan Highway,

let's not form a virus. And if we do, let's form a good virus. Let's infect the internet with the Harlan Highway. and get everyone listening. And who knows, maybe these little talks that I give you can illuminate everybody and we can work towards better tomorrow. All right.

Well, thank you for listening. Loved having you here. And what can I say except happy pineapple. And chicken chow me, baby. Thank you.