The Harland Highway - PODCAST 232

Episode Date: February 18, 2011

Wind power, Uranus, world record holders, Dr. Ascot, Canadian singing voices, cock fights. Lightly boiled light bulb coils!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Holy corn dogs, Batman. Yeah, that's right. I said, holy corn dogs. And why wouldn't I? With a podcast like this about to happen, you bet your holy corn dogs. Holy corn dogs. What a show!

Here we go. We're going to be talking about your cock. Where'd everyone go? Hold on. Yeah. Hang on. And towards the end of the show, we are going to be talking, big major talking about cock, okay? Hold on to your toenails because it's going to get intense.

We're going to get into world records, people who for some reason feel the need to hold a world record in something. We're also going to be talking about your anus. So, you know, if you thought talking about the cock was bad, way to we talk about, You're anus. We're going to be getting into windmills. It's Friday. Dr. Ascot is here. Speaking of anuses,

I can't stand the guy, but I have to do my weekly therapy session with him every Friday. He's here. Who knows what's going to happen this time. And then we're going to be talking about Canadian singing. Are you scratching your head? Everybody sings Canadian. I'll explain more as we get deep, dark,

into the Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway Hi, I'm Jackie want to play Please go away and leave me alone You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway Man, keep it going Love the show, you're hilarious

My Blanky, give me my little blanket Passing your seat there You're riding down the Harlan Highway It's the Harland Highway Have you checked the children Hello, Holland Hello, Dr. Ascot You sound of it under the weather

Arland Not under the weather, I just, I don't know I'm in a funk, I'm in a weird mood today, I guess That's not healthy, Holland Yeah, well what do you want me to do about? it describe what's going on inside alland i don't know i just feel a little off i feel a little you're possessed pardon me you possessed by satan what are you talking about alland you are possessed by the dark master lord be elzebub what are you talking about ascot allan it is clear to me from all the

symptoms you describe that you are clearly possessed by the Satan dark lord of the underworld what what symptoms i told you i was feeling a little off what is that ow what the hell did you just throw in my eyes ah it burns it burns allan it's holy water holy water what the is that vinegar you threw at me it's holy water yeah well it smells a hell of a lot like vinegar ow oh oh oh you just did it again Get the out, get the out, devil spawn, get the out. Stop it! The power of Christ compels you.

The power of Christ compels you. Stop doing lines from the exorcist. The power of Christ compels you, Holland. Ow! Stop throwing vinegar on me! Ow! Holland. Holland. What? I can barely see. Alland, I want you to cast the devil out of your soul.

I told you I'm feeling a little off. I had a late night. What the hell are you doing giving me an exorcism for? Holland, I want you to speak in tongues to me. I am no longer speaking to Alland. I am speaking to the devil himself. No, Ascot, it's still me. How about that?

Speak to me in tongues. Lucifer. I'm not Lucifer. Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh! Oh! Rating the eyes again! Oh! Oh! The power of Christ compels you. The power of Christ compels you. The power... Stop doing that!

Oh! Speak in tongues, devil. No! Speak to me, Satan. No! Satan come forth. Knock it off! Talk to me in tongues, so you will get the pink.

Oh, my God. Satan. All right, if this is what you want. The devil plays many tricks, Alan. All right, here you go. Excellent, darling. You realize I'm only feeling off because I ate a Taco Bell last night. I'm not possessed by that.

The power of Christ compels you. Ah! My eyes! Stop with the vinegar! Talking tongue, Satan. Are you quite finished? God! I think the exorcism is complete, Alland.

Get out of here! Maybe you should stab a crucifix into your vagina, Holland. Get out of here! Holland! Out! Let me see you spin your head around and float in mid-air, Holland. Get out! What a dildo!

that guy is. I hate to use that word, but what a dildo. God, possessed by a guy through vinegar in my eyes. Holy water. Dildo. Anyways, let's switch gears here. I keep seeing, you know the green movement and the alternative energy thing, right? You're all aware of it. Unless you live in a cave, which might not be a bad idea. That'd be fun. But you ever see these places, and I've passed through them, where there's giant, these huge, like, 100-foot-high windmills blowing, right? They try to harness the wind to great energy.

They harness the wind and they store it, and it supplies energy to the townsfolk or the city folk. And they're these huge towering propellers. And the blades of the propellers are like the size of an apartment building. I mean, they're just massive. And what they do is they kind of create fields of these things. They get tons of acreage. And they'll stick like, you know, 50, 60, 100 of them all in one spot.

If you go through a lot of the places in the desert, like I live right around the corner from Palm Springs out here in California, when you drive into Palm Springs, man, they are everywhere. So here's my quandary. What I'm worried about is if you get enough of these things twirling around and blowing, is there any danger of them like lifting

like the crust of the earth off? Right? Because they're all bolted to the earth's crust. If you get enough force, So if you get enough wind, could you get the helicopter effect? Like, they all just start ripping giant chunks of the earth up? Or is there enough wind, enough force created that the planet Earth starts actually moving through the galaxy as if we were like some kind of round helicopter?

Right? You just got so many damn propellers gone that the Earth has to. to move it can't fight the force anymore it becomes stronger than gravity oh hey jim did you notice uh that when we woke up this morning it got dark about an hour later yeah i did notice that is that weird to you or what yeah it's like uh it's like we're moving or something yeah and you know what's even weirder what Did I woke up beside you? You're my neighbor. What? But, uh, I don't know. I know it's bizarre. It's just a stupid thought, but who knows?

Maybe I'm right. Maybe I'm, I'm sending out the warning. Maybe I'm the Paul Revere here. The windmills are coming. The windmills are coming. Everybody glue themselves to the boardwalk. I don't know. It's just another one of my... wacky theories, okay? Don't blame me if one morning we wake up and we're hovering just off the shoulder of Uranus.

That never sounds good. Is there any way to say that planet where it ever sounds good? I think the only way it could ever work, I mean, no matter how you say it, it's awful. The only way it could ever work

is if you actually lived on the planet Uranus and you were a proctologist. Hey, man, what do you do? I'm a proctologist. Oh, really? Where? Uranus. Okay, makes sense. I get it. Two and two.

Right, all right. Yeah, my wife's the gynecologist. Guess where she lives? I don't want to know, man. I don't want to know. It's just, couldn't they have, of all the things to name things? Uranus? Like, you know, is anyone calling, is there a planet pussy?

Is there a planet Nutsack? Yes, I'd like to get a rocket ship to planet Ascrack, please. I'm sorry, sir, was sold out, but we do have room for a one seat, a window seat, to planet knobhole. Oh, I'll take that. My God. With all the words in the English language and all the... They could have made up a word. Yeah, see that green place up there floating in the sky?

That's planet Ushklaga, pluk, fluke, nari, schlavri. Right? I'd rather hear that than, yeah, see that thing floating up there? That's your anus. Pardon me? You heard me, that's your anus. psh, ow, what'd I do? Nobody talks about my anus like that.

Oh, boy. I'm just saying, all right, here we go. We got off on wind, and maybe I am possessed, okay? Maybe I am, that's why I'm talking about this crap. All right, I'm possessed. Maybe not by the devil, but maybe by a moron. I'm possessed by a moron. I start the show with a devil possession, and then I get into windmills lifting us off,

and what's going on? Let me get out of this. Let's go to this, and hopefully when I come back, I'll be back to normal. Yeah, right. Hey, this is Harlan Williams here on the Harlan Highway, and you're rolling along with me, Harlan Williams. You can check me out at Harland Williams.com, if you want to. to see what's going on in my little world.

Speaking of the world, world records, are there any world record holders listening to me? And I'm not talking about weightlifters or the fastest human being in the world. Or, you know, athletes. I'm talking about the idiots that decide they're going to walk. They want the world record for walking. So they just walk for 49 days and 48 nights.

Or they're like, I've got to. to have the record for eating the most hot dogs. I mean, I really, I really gotta have that. I mean, think of, think of how crazy the girls are going to go when they know I can stuff 300 hot dogs in my mouth in less than seven hours. Okay, there, brainiac. Start eating your wieners, dumb bell. I don't know, people do really dumb things.

Oh, I'm going to balance a beer keg on my face for nine days. I'll have the record for sure. Yeah, you'll also have a flat face, dumbass. It's just crazy. I've collected more coins than anyone. I've got 3,722 pennies. It took me my whole life, but I did it, and now I'm going to cash them in,

and I'll be able to buy a brand new canoe. Pogo stick jumping, unicycling, standing on one leg, eating pancakes, Balancing a chair on your head, dancing, walking, singing. Who cares? The only real world record that you matter is how long will you be willing to listen to the Harlan Highway? It's like that old Eagle song. You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.

And that, my friends, is a world record here on the Harlan Highway. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order, doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to

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And here's something that sounds like record, but it's record. I think they're spelled the same, right? R-E-C-O-R-D, record. Aren't they spelled the same? Am I wrong here? So when an artist is recording, a singing artist is recording, they say that all singers sing in Canadian. In other words, you know, Canadians don't really have any type of accent outside of the A's and the stories and stuff.

There's a little bit of an accent accent, but we're pretty flat, you know, in terms of accents. And if you notice, whenever bands sing, it always sounds like very plain, clean English. Like you never hear like a country twine, or you never hear someone speaking in English. It's rare. You don't really hear it. what do you do think anyone's singing in in uh in squash do you know what i mean like you you could uh hear your favorite band like let's say you too okay you know heavy irish accent and then you hear them sing and it's with or without you with oh without you you know it's just it sounds like flat playing old English. And in a way, I kind of miss it, because it's kind of, I like accents. I like,

I like, uh, the twang. I like the inflection of accents, especially British accents. I love a, I love me a good old English accent, right? I mean, come on then. I really like it. I mean, isn't Duran Duran English? And you've heard their songs, you know, um, save a prayer till the morning. after, right? Shouldn't it be more like, I saved a bread to the morning after. Her name was Rio and she's dancing on the sand.

The reflect, flat, flat, flat, flat, flat, flat, flat, flat, flat, you know what I'm talking about, man. So here's this pop tune that I found. And you know what? I don't even know who it is. I don't know the name of the band. I don't know the singer. I just stumbled on this cool rock tune that's kind of hip and edgy.

And it's this cool chick singing about how she's kind of got this lame-ass boyfriend. And it's kind of edgy and I like it. And it's one of those songs that grows on you. I wish I know who it was, but it was one of these freaky things where I just kind of picked up this song and I don't know the source. but what I do love about it is this chick's clearly English

and when she's singing you can hear a bloody English accent and there's something about it that I really like and so I'm going to play it for you and I wonder if you'll like it too it's kind of a cool song probably like three three and a half minutes long here and listen for that

that little bit of British influence right there and uh i hope you dig it i really do i really really oh you dig it okay here we go the unknown anonymous cool edgy song by a brett So stay at night, everything's fine, except you've got that look in your eye, when I'm telling a story and do find it boring, you're thinking of something to say, you'll go along with it, then drop it and humiliate me in front of our friends. then I'll use that voice that you find annoying and say something like, yeah, intelligent input, darling, why don't you just have another beer then? Then you'll call me a bitch

and everyone we're with will be embarrassed and I won't give a shit my fingertips are holding on to the bridge. cracks in our foundation and I know that I should let go but I can't and every time we fight I know it's not right

every time that you're upset and thus smile I know I should forget but I can't you said I must eat so many lemons because I am so bitter I said I'd rather be with your friends mate because they are much fitter Yes, it was childish and you got aggressive

And I must admit that I was a bit scared But it gives me thrills to wind you up My fingertips are holding on to the cracks in our foundation And I know that I should let go But I can't And every time we fight I know it's not right Every time that you're absent and thus smile

I know I should forget, but I can't. Your face is pasty, because you've gone and got so wasted. What a surprise! Don't want to look at your face, because it's making me sick. You've gone and got sick on my trainers. I only got these yesterday, oh my gosh, I cannot be bothered with this. Well, I'll leave you there till the morning. And I purposely won't turn the heating on

And dear God, I hope I'm not stuck with this one My finger tips are holding on to the cracks in all foundation And I know that I should let go, but I can't And every time we fight, I know it's not right Every time that you're upset and I smile I know I should forget, but I can't. And every time we fight, I know it's not right, every time that you're upset and the smile,

I know I should forget, but I can't. And every time we fight, I know it's not right, every time that you're upset and the smile, I know I should forget but I can't. Oh that's bloody lovely lovely right there. That's... That's smashing. That's bloody lovely lovely. That is smashing. That's bloody lovely. That is smashing. It's bloody written right there. Plotty love it. Love it, love it, darling.

Good for you. Good for you. I don't know. Did you see what I was talking about? I mean, there's moments when she sounds totally kind of American, but then you can hear the Brit sliding in, you know, and I like it. I like it, and I thought I'd share it with you. Now, if anybody knows who the hell that is, I seriously do not have a clue.

I actually found this CD, okay? I really did. I found this CD and had a mix of songs on it, and this was one of them, and I have no idea. So give me a call, 888, 500, 2090, and see if you can tell me who this is, and then maybe at the end of your informative message, slap a British accent on there,

and let's hear how you sound as a big, Bloody Brett, right? We'd like to hear how you sound is a bloody Brit. Now, to be certain that I have this straight, I'll re-capitulate. You know what's illegal in this country? Cockfighting. Yeah, I said it. Cockfighting is illegal.

Now, don't be thinking the wrong way. What I'm talking about here is two chickens or whatever they are. Male chickens, I think. I'm not a farmer, folks, but I think male chickens are called cocks. Okay? If you get caught cock fighting, I'm just digging it deeper here, aren't I? If you get caught cock fighting, you'll probably go to jail. They consider it cruelty to animals.

How many people out there consider their cock an animal? if you own a cock. I'm just talking about the people that own a cock. I mean, think about it, man. They take two cocks and throw them in a ring and make them attack each other. It's probably louder than a European gay porn movie. Two cocks just jumping around going nuts on each other. That didn't sound right either.

God, this is a hard topic to... Okay, I didn't mean to say... It's a, you know what, I'm just going to end it here. Just don't take your cocks out and let them fight. Tomorrow's topic, we're going to talk about donkeys or asses. We're going to talk about ass fights tomorrow. I'll see a Kentucky fried chicken, everybody, here on the Harland Highway. Or even worse, how about a cock fight on Uranus?

Didn't we go through that topic earlier? good lord good lord love a lemonade stand right well i think uh gosh we we should probably shut the doors on this podcast i mean where do you go from uranus and your cockfights you really don't go anywhere unless you really do want me to start talking about asses and by the way thank god if you are an ass here I go, I'm talking about asses. But what was God thinking? It's like every critter he made was like a cheetah, a unicorn, a butterfly, a peacock, a sparrow, a tiger, and you, you're going to, how about ass? Yeah, you, you're going to be ass.

It's like Uranus, like there's a million words. God could have came up with a million words. and this poor donkey gets called an ass. You at the end of the line. Who, me? Yeah, you, you're an ass. Oh, that's not very nice. Are you sure I can't be Uranus?

Hey, don't get smart with me. Oh, what about a cock? Can I be a cock? Just crazy, man. So, like I said, let's just close the door on this. Let's get, let's close the door on these bloody topics. It's getting a bit randy in here, mates. And as you know, at the end of the show, I like to make a few announcements here.

So bear with me. It's out for your benefit. Let me tell you where I am going to be this weekend, man. You can catch yours truly in Arizona at the Tempe Improv. It's a great club. I'm going to be there Friday and Saturday night, the 18th and the 19th. of February, the Tempe Improv. And then the following weekend, I will be right here in Hollywood, California,

at the Hollywood Improv. That'll be Friday the 25th and the 26th. Go to Improv.com to get your tickets. Reserve them because Arizona at Tempe usually sells out. Or you can go to Harlow Williams.com. Click on my stand-up link, and you'll find. all the information you need right there. Don't forget to use Stitcher.

Stitcher.com. You can download the Harland Highway onto your cell phone device for free. And don't forget to check out Harlan Williams.com. Check out our store. You can buy some fun merch. And don't forget, you can always write me at Harlan Williams.com or you can call me at 888, 500, 2090. Say whatever you need to say, and then get out.

And speaking of getting out, it's time for me to get out. It's time for you to get out. We've come to the end. So until next time, my fine friends, chicken, chow, Maine, baby. Because I am so bitter I said I'd rather be with your friends mate Because they are much fitter