The Harland Highway - PODCAST 233

Episode Date: February 21, 2011

Old and fat security guards, YouTube and the YouTube game, weapons for sale, Iran gets the bomb. Polly wolly doodle all the day. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You used to say, live and let live. You know you did, you know you did, you know you did. But now you say podcast. Huh? I don't know. I don't know why I went there. I don't even know what that whole riff meant. Screw it.

Welcome to the Grand Illusion, or as I call it the Harland Highway. I am your hostess. I mean your host, sorry, Harland Williams. Thank you for joining. Make sure you tell your friends about this experience. Hopefully they get on board. Lots to talk about today. A lot of fun stuff, maybe a little serious stuff.

We'll mix it up. It's a grab bag. It's a grab bag, sir. Even. We're going to be talking about weapons for sale. Big weapons of mass destruction, how people are trying to sell them on the black market. market. We're going to talk about how rogue countries like Iran are attempting to build bombs and

when the hell will it ever be done. We're going to be exploring YouTube and a little game I like to play. The YouTube game I call it. We'll get into that. I'll tell you how it works, how you can have fun with it, how it can bring you and your family together. And then we're going to get into the world of security guards. They never make me feel safe. I only feel safe, Right here on the Harlan Highway! Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hi, I'm Jackie. Please, go away and leave me alone.

You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Keep it going. Love the show. You're hilarious. My blanket. My blue blanket. Give me my blue blanket.

Fasten your seat. You're riding down the Harlan Highway. It's the Harland Highway. Have you checked the children? Hey, welcome to the Harland Highway. How would you like to see a moose ran through a wall, a midget singing to a tree, and three girls in bikinis covered in asparagus doing hula hoops.

Impossible? No. YouTube. Yeah. Well, if you haven't been on it, you've been on it. And what I mean by that is, everything is on it. I mean, if you've been out from public, somebody's probably filmed you, and it's on YouTube. I think they should rename it to you should run and hide to.

I tell you, man, the minute you step out your front door, you're YouTube material. You're sitting out at a Starbucks and you think you're all alone, and you just throw out of bed and you just want a coffee and you're shoveling a bagel in your face and you take a quick look around and pick the old nose and stick it under the table and yeah you've been doing it for years right you scratch your squirrel food you give yourself a little butt pick nobody's the wiser right until all of a sudden you get emails from all your buddies hey man sigh on youtube shoveling in a bagel picking your nose scratching your squirrel food and having a butt pick hello people were wondering where big brother was it's youtube man everyone thought the government was gonna be big brother right oh the united states of america is watching you guess what people you're big brother we're all watching each other oh it's all silly to watch a dog chase a skateboard down the street but whatever What happens when that skateboard rolls to a stop at you and your slippers wearing your

wormy old track pants having a little butt pick and your hair looks like you just got rolled in an alley behind Dunkin' Donuts? Take a look around. Somebody's probably filming you right now. You're riding down the Harlan Highway. Say cheese. YouTube! Yeah, it's pretty amazing, man.

It just keeps building and building. I've got to wonder how many billions of film clips are on YouTube. I mean, seriously, I'm sure you've all at one point in time had to do reference or, you know, needed information on an obscure topic. You really can just type in just about anything. You know, I did a bit, I guess, maybe a week ago. and I was doing a bit about people eating hard-boiled eggs and you know how they cracked them

and they roll them on the table and they crack the shell and all that and how annoying it was and I was like, God, I want to put in a sound effect of somebody doing that of somebody like cracking eggshells, right? So I'm like, huh, I go on YouTube and I type in like somebody cracking hard-boiled eggshells or something like that and sure enough someone for whatever reason filmed somebody cracking eggshells on a hard-boiled egg and I got the sound effect and I put it in and used it in my bit

and I'm like what the hell like who really needed to see that why would you do that Why would you go to the trouble, get your camera, fire it up? Hey, man, are you about to roll that egg on the table and crack the shell? Yeah, why? Oh, I got to get that on film, man. What the hell? Oh, I may never see this again. I got a document that.

Oh, okay. Are you retarded? What? You know, it's just like bizarre stuff, but it's all there. And same thing with Google images. You ever need an image or you need to look at an image of something, you know? Like I need to see a picture of a lion riding a motorcycle. How about that?

Okay? I'm just going to type this in here. Hold on. Let me see. Lion riding motorcycle. Hang on, here we go. I'm going to hit return. And bingo.

Okay, so here we are. Let's see. The first, the very first image that I got, let me make this bigger. Okay, it's an old pitcher from like the 1940s, it looks like. It looks like it's at a fairground. Sure enough, there is a guy on a motorcycle, and a woman on, it looks like an old, like, car with a side car,

so it's half motorcycle, and a real live lion is riding in the side car with this woman. It's at an old fairground. Okay, but let's get more specific. Let me go back. So the second image is a cartoon drawing of a lion riding a motorcycle. The third image is a zebra riding a rice rocket, a Japanese motorcycle through the Serengetti and a lion is jumping towards it.

And then the fourth drawing is a painting of a lion wearing blue jeans and a denim jacket riding a motorcycle. I mean, it's just crazy. The most random things that you would never probably need, in your daily life, um, they got it. Let me, let me type in one more just to prove the point. Let's see.

How about, uh, I don't know, how about an upside down, um, ostrich. How about that? Up side down ostrich. There we go. And do we have it? Do we have it? Do we have an ups? Okay, we have a girl wearing a t-shirt with an upside-down ostrich.

A illustration of an upside-down ostrich. That is the second image, and then about ten images in, there is an ostrich, sure enough, standing upside down. So it's just incredible. like the fact that people take the time to do this stuff and it's YouTube it's whatever you want you know what I do sometimes just for fun and here's a game you can play

let me go to YouTube and try this out what I do is when I'm with friends we go to YouTube and they say one word and then I say another word and you put the words together and you see what happens so how about this I'm going to put together a word how about my first word is singing singing and then my next word will be how about um shower curtain it's like three

words isn't it show shower curtain let's see what we get singing shower curtain all right i'm not you oh god the second thing in here it says magical singing shower curtain let me see what what happens when I press play here. Okay, so there you go. I guess you get the gist of it. What it was, it was an image of a a shower curtain. Some guy filmed his little daughter

was singing, having a shower behind the shower curtain, but you'd never see the daughter. You'd just see this shower curtain with flowers and lily pads and frogs all over it. So the implication is that it's a magical singing shower curtain. He never shows his daughter once.

So he's trying to kind of say as if the shower curtain itself is singing. But the point being, how random is that like where in the universe can you type in ridiculous random words and there's something at the end of the rainbow

okay I'm going to try one more because this is kind of fun and I said the word rainbow how about I'll take the word pickle and rainbow how's that how about pickle

pickle rainbow let's see what we get on YouTube pickle rainbow let's see wow okay so listen to this i'm not kidding i typed in pickle rainbow just randomly and listen to this guy what opened up is a is a guy standing on stage giving a concert and listen to the introduction to his song this next song 100% guaranteed contain the word Kitten, Pickle, Rainbow, and Unicorn. Can't pass that up, Pete. That's gold.

Well, there you go. I'll let the Pickle Rainbow song play in the background here for a bit. I don't know how good it is. You know, it sounds a little rough, but the point is that I type in this random some ridiculous stuff on YouTube, and there it was. So there it is, the YouTube game. It's actually a fun thing to do on a date. Sit around the laptop, and you and your date pick different words.

And believe it or not, it's actually quite amusing. It's quite fun. It gets ridiculous, and you'll be amazed at the results you get here at the end of the ever-so-effervescent pickle rainbow. Stop in the name of the law. Freeze or I'll shoot. Joe Morgan, FBI. Hey, I'm going to go get an ice cream while you guys shoplift. Huh?

Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. Security guards? I hope there's no security guard listening because you might be a little pissed off, But I got to tell you, man, are the majority of security guards at malls and special events and airports and stuff like that? Has anyone else noticed that half the time it's like old men or really like fat guys are out of shape? And you realize the people like kind of looking out for you protecting everything are not the most fit people for the job. I mean, does anyone take security guards seriously?

they don't carry guns you could probably shoplift right in front of them hey you there put that back i saw you steal that yeah what are you going to do about it oh i'll be over there in just about an hour when i recharge my wheelchair battery you son of uh where are you going put that back no disrespect if you're a security guard i mean come on get it together man And for those of you that are in shape and can handle it, okay, come over here and take me down. But until then, I'm just doing whatever I want. You get back here, you shun of a bitch. You shun of a bitch.

Right, though, isn't it true? Isn't it a little maddening? In fact, I was at a meeting today. I went to a building, an office building, right? And I'm in the lobby, and they got these big, security doors, okay, and, you know, they buzzed me through, and I'm like, ooh, pretty intense security door. I guess they're prepared for anything, and they're sitting in the lobby.

No word of a lie was a big, fat, overweight, looked like a Latino woman could have been, uh, hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. All will be packaged and sent discreet. for free and fast. Don't wait, better sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item.

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Brazilian could have been definitely had like an ethnic flair. I can't be exactly sure. It doesn't matter what the ethnicity was, I guess. But just a big, I'm going to say it, because I'm calling a spade a spade. a big fat blob and I'm not talking chubby she was extremely overweight and she's got the big blue like security guard jacket on with the patches on the side that I don't know if anyone's ever read them but it probably says something like chubby or something on it you know I don't who reads them who takes it seriously and I'm looking at this lady and I'm like you know what

She probably lives at home. She's making probably not a great wage. She's probably got kids. She likes to eat, obviously. She probably has horrible hours. The odds of her ever having to do any security work is probably one in a trillion. But I look at her and I go, what the hell is this? You know, it's like, what if something did go down?

What if something did happen? Is that big, fat, out-of-shaped person really going to fly over a desk and tackle some guy who comes in with a gun? I just don't think so, man, and you see it everywhere. You see the big fat guy sitting in the chair, you see the fat girl, and I don't want to come off as sexist, okay? This is more to protect women than to demean women. But let's face it, ladies, you know, men, most men, 90% of men have more physical strength than 90% of women. Yes, there are some really strong women, there's athletic women, there's bodybuilder women, it's a small percentage.

If you threw a man and a woman of equal weight and equal size into a ring, the way they used to do in the gladiator days, I'm betting 75% of the time The man comes out victorious We're just created that way And then you get a man who's like Doing something bad He's got a gun He's on booze

His adrenaline's gone He's twice as strong And all of a sudden Chabella comes diving over the desk You know She's got a cupcake in one hand And a bag of pringles in the other And she's like

Could you wait till I've finished my snack before we go at it. And the reason I'm saying this, too, I actually saw one of those hidden video like camera shows the other day, and this was horrific, okay? This was in a courthouse somewhere. I can't remember where,

but a woman, okay, took a prisoner, a prisoner with a violent rap sheet, a very tall, muscular-looking black man who was probably about 6'5, Again, the security woman was a chubby, shorter black woman, well overweight, okay? Somehow she got the job. I actually heard of the thing. She requested the job because somehow she knew the guy because he'd been in the criminal system so long

that she'd actually forged a bit of a relationship with the guy just on a, hey, how are you basis? so here she goes she decides to she gets permission to take the captive down down to the gallows down to the holding cell there's a security camera just as she's about to put him in the cell this big dude turns shoves her through a wall shoves her into the other room out of sight of the cameras beats the living crap out of her okay she She almost died. I understand from what I heard on the show. She suffered permanent injuries to her head, to her brain. And you just watch this and you go, why?

Why would you send a fat, middle-aged woman to take a violent prisoner to his jail cell? Where does that make any sense at all? And so what I'm saying, I know these security cases, companies are probably like, well, we don't want to pay anyone. We can't afford to pay a guy who's actually, you know, trained his whole life in martial arts and has a black belt and actually deserves a good wage. We don't want to train someone who's a specialist in surveillance and a weapon specialist. But you know what?

That fat Latino housewife with the four kids, she'd be perfect to suit up and become a barrier between the public and any near-do-well. It's really ridiculous. It's kind of a joke, and that's why I'm ragging on it. And again, no disrespect to whoever does it. You're obviously trying to make a living, which I do respect. But, you know, come on. There's some things that just don't fit.

You know, you don't put a guy who, you know, can't swim as a lifeguard. You see where I'm going? You don't make a blind guy, a bus driver. So what I'm saying is you don't take a big fat out of shape person with no qualifications to be an enforcer. I'll leave it there. What do you think? 888, 52090.

Give me your thoughts. And if you do send any mean-spirited voicemails, trust me, I will send my security guard over to your house to have dessert. Hello! Pts! Hey, man. Hey, hey, you.

Yeah, you want to buy some uranium, man? Yeah, you want to buy some uranium? What kind you got, man? I got weapons-grade uranium, man. Yeah, I could use some weapons-grade. That other stuff's crap, man. Yeah, give me some weapons-grade uranium. You got it, man.

$20 million. You heard about this? The guys running around the world trying to sell uranium. Not just uranium, but weapons grade. I don't know. What kind of world are we living in where there's guys running around trying to sell uranium? What do they go into a nuclear reactor and scrape it out? Oh, give me that sludge.

I could get $20 million for that. Probably a tight market. isn't it? I mean, you get a figure for every 300 people you approach on the street, maybe one, two, three at the most are looking for weapons grade uranium. Pts, hey, man, you want uranium? What's up, dog? You want some uranium weapons grade, dog? No, man, I got to get to work.

No. No, thank you. No, no, thank you. Indian weapons grade, dog. Yeah, man, I'll take some of that crap. What's up, dog? Weapons grade, dog. I don't know.

Watch what you buy. Make sure it's the good stuff. Weapons grade. Yeah, and speaking of terror threats, okay, you can shut the Geiger counter off. Thank you. It's probably my nuclear underwear. Speaking of nuclear terror threats and weapons threats and all that, are you like me, are you getting a little sick of the news reports about Iran?

and how they're just three years away from making a bomb or five years away or one year away, it never gets to that point where they have a bomb. Like three years ago, they're saying, yep, three years from now, they're going to have a bomb. You know, and five years before that, they're like, in five years, they're going to have a bomb. And now they're still saying it.

Every year, it's the same amount of time. I don't want them to have a bomb, but now I almost do want them to have a bomb, just so they can start going, yep, we told you, Iran's got a bomb. The five-year window is up. Statue of limitations has expired. Iran's got a bomb. And here's what gets me about the whole Iran thing

and all these other countries that we're supposed to be so terrified of. You know, so Iran gets a bomb. Say Iran gets two bombs, three bombs. You know, whoopi do. You know? I mean, honestly, I just feel like the United States, at any second, at any point in time, any time they wanted, could fill the air and annihilate Iran. Okay? Does anyone really feel that threatened? I mean, yeah, it's not a good thing that they'll have a bomb or a well. But I feel like it's like if Hell's Angels were at a bar, okay,

and there's 100 Hells Angels with their leather vests, and they're really tough, and they're causing a ruckus, they're in a bar, and a little boy runs through the bar waving a stick around, and he's whacking the edge of the pool table, and he hits the wall. And all the bikers from the Hells Angels turn around and just go, look at that idiot. And kind of the theory being that at any second, the hell's angels could just stomp this kid out.

Like, you know what, kid, you're annoying me? We told you not to come in here. Stomp. Kid gets buried in the desert. No one knows whatever happened to him. Like, I just get tired of these newscasters building up. In a year, they're going to have a bomb. Oh, boy, should I build a bomb shelter?

You know, I hate to say it, but I don't even know that Iran could build a bomb. I don't have confidence in them even knowing how to shoot it. I mean, I hate to say, but that's a bit of an ass backwards country to me, man. I still think of it as primitive. I mean, just look at some of their political viewpoints. We must wipe Israel off the face of the planet. I mean, when you have points of view like that and political stances like that, you're a primate at that point.

man that is that is primitive neanderthal talk so when i hear that i don't have any confidence that they actually put the bomb together correctly or accurately i picture one of those things where they press the button it goes up about a hundred feet and then starts fizzling like a bad fireworks and it accidentally turns around and plummets right back into earth and blows up their own country goodbye iran I just don't feel the threat from those people. And even if it got here, okay, one bomb makes it here. Sure, you can level a city.

You could take out a million people, 100,000 people, 2 million people. You still got the rest of the country and all the military might of the United States. Goodbye, Iran. It was nice knowing you. Gone. Like, I don't know. I'm not trembling in my boots. I'm sorry.

It's almost like saying, you see that kid down the street, man? Who, little Billy, the five-year-old? Yeah, when he grows up, man, he's going to come down here and kick your ass. Yeah, but he's retarded. Well, I'm not that worried. Well, ugh.

You know, it's like, I don't know, man. Now, if China was to rev up the rhetoric and say, we're going to launch well, weapons toward you. There, I believe there is a situation. I'm not so scared of North Korea and Iran and all those little places. And you know what? I won't be surprised with all the rhetoric, all their threats, you know, all the things they've said about annihilating America and doing harm to America and wiping out Israel and all this just holy jihad crap. I won't. I won't. wouldn't be surprised, and I think it would be justified the day we find out they have a bomb,

how about we fill the air with stealth bombers and pretty much wipe out every military institution that they have ever constructed, including their nuclear facilities? I really can't see the United States or the rest of the world tolerating such a rogue country possessing such a lethal weapon. And at some point, you just got to cut your losses and go, who cares what the rest of the world thinks? This place is a threat. We're taking it out now.

Zapp. We told them not to build it. They flaunted their nose. They built it. Bang, gone. Not the whole country, just any facility that allows them to construct a weapon of mass destruction aimed at us. So there you go. That's my little.

rant um you want to buy some weapons grade uranium man no i'm okay well you seem pretty fired up about it man no i'm good i was just saying i can give it to you half price man i got it out of a nuclear reactor and uh ussr i used the baskin robin's ice cream scooper man no i'm good okay wouldn't want to be you when iran gets a bomb shut up oh well there you go interesting topic. You know, like I said, always let me know what you think. I don't claim to be a world leader, a world politician. I just share my point of view with you, my humble point of view,

as small as it may be, as exact as it may be, or as obscure and off the mark as it may be. I do share my opinion with you. You're free to do the same. You can call me 888, 52090, or you can drop me a letter at Harle Ellen Williams.com. I always love to hear from you, get your feedback. And speaking of the end, you know, the end coming around.

It's not the end of the world. It is the end of the podcast. Oh, boo-hoo, boo-hoo, boo-hoo, boo-hoo. But I do have a few announcements before we go. Oh, my goodness. Don't you forget, my friends, that this weekend you can catch me at the Hollywood Improv in Hollywood, California, on Melrose. I'll be there Friday and Saturday night, the 25th and the 26th.

And then on the Thursday night, the 24th, I will be doing an animal charity at Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank, California, down in the valley. And all the money and all the proceeds are going to go to help stray dogs, stray cats, help the Humane Society, all that kind of stuff. and you can do your part help saving animals by writing to us at Save a Shark at gmail.com we will send you a letter to send out to restaurants and harass them and try to get them to stop serving shark fin soup don't forget you can hit harloweems.wilums.com hit our web store

we got all kinds of fun gifts my books my t-shirts all that cool stuff videos movies all that stuff to keep you going through the long winter nights there. So that's it. I guess I'll see you on the other side of the pickle rainbow. And until next time, chicken chal maim, baby.

Where do you? Why in my house? Yeah, I guess it's fine. Where are you learn about that? Oh. I'm crazy.