The Harland Highway - PODCAST 234

Episode Date: February 23, 2011

Charity event, UFO's, taggers, nude sunbathing with Jenifer Aniston, shooting horses, freedom in Egypt. Suckle my Knuckle!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Born in the USA, I'm a hard rockin' daddy in the USA now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The Harland Highway was born in the USA. How about that? Welcome to the podcast. What a p-p-p-p-p-p-podcast we have today. We're going to be talking about UFOs. Has anybody out there seen a UFO?

I want to know if you have. We're going to be getting into taggers. You know, the guys that spray paint everything? Yeah, we're going to be talking about that. I'm going to be mentioning a charity event that I'm going to be doing. I hope you can attend. How about this? Would you believe it if I told you that I have sunbathe in the nude with Jennifer Aniston on many occasions?

Yeah, I know it's shocking, but I have, and I'm going to talk about it. Just for you, little insider Hollywood nonsense. We're going to be talking about horse racing. You know when a horse hurts itself, they shoot it? Is that a good thing? And then lastly, we're going to talk about Egypt, man. All the change, all the things going on, the revolution in Egypt. It's going to be amazing.

And you know, I know all about revolutions, That's what we do here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hi, I'm Jackie. You want to play. Please go away and leave me alone. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway.

Man, keep it going. Love the show. You're hilarious. My blanche. My blue blanket. Give me my blue blanket. Passing your seat. You're riding down the Harlan Highway.

It's the Harland Highway. Have you checked the children? Hey, you're listening to the Harlan Highway, and I'm Harlan Williams, and where are my taggers at? And I don't mean, you know, kids that say, You're it and run away, touch you and run away. You're at. I mean my tigers, the people that are defacing the architecture of every city across America.

Yeah, they've got to put their name up there in nine-foot-tall letters. Like, they can't just do like the rest of us and go to Staples. And for 99 cents, by a pack of those stickers that say, Hello, my name is! Or the brand-new stickers that have I've introduced called, Hello! My name is... Hello!

They got the need to tag, man. Like, some guy spent, you know, a billion dollars putting up a fancy building. Some kid with zits and baggy pants strolls up with a $3 can of fluorescent spray paint and totally destroys it. Why? The taggers should use something more. biodegradable so it doesn't you know doesn't cause so many problems the taxpayers are paying to clean this stuff up i mean why don't you tag with whipped cream man oh look at that man there's

my name and ready whip man get those ants over there hey you're eating my name man get over there it might work out good you know taggers could creep around and tag under bridges and back alleys and homeless people who kind of live there anyways could have something to eat. Homeless guy wakes up in the middle of the day. He's like, oh, man, I'm hungry, man. Where am I? What the hell?

Hey, look at that, a peanut buster parfe. Or is that a peanut buster Jose? Oh, that's good. Oh, that was the most delicious tag I've ever eaten. Hello! My name is Harlan Williams, and you're on the Harlan Highway. Hey, Mr. Williams. My name is John Cavell, and I hope you don't mind me reaching out to you.

But the reason I am calling is because I'm a volunteer with the Burbank Animal Shelter. And help me organize a stand-up comedy fundraiser called Lafters Tales Off at Flappers Comics Club in Burbank on Thursday, February 24th. The event is actually going to be emcee by KMBC's Fritz Coleman. And if you were wondering, hoping, crossing your fingers, rubbing our lucky reps be praying to insert God of reference here that you might be able to show up and perform. If you can, we would be extremely and eternally grateful. And if you want of mine giving a call back, again, this is in reference to a fundraiser

we're having the Burbank Animal Shelter on February 24th at 5 this time. Well, look at that. The Burbank Animal Shelter. And you know what? this gentleman reached out to me here at the Harland Highway and as fate would have it I'm a big fan of the critters

as you know I like me the dogs and the cats and all of God's beasts and critters so guess what I am headlining not only am I going to do a show for this organization I

went the whole nine yards and I'm going to headline the darn thing it's a cause that I like and I thought I'd play this message for you, just so if you are in the area, if you live in Burbank or you're rolling through Cali, is a great comedy club called Flappers in the valley up in Burbank, and as the caller said,

all the proceeds are going to a great cause to help the hounds. Release the hounds. So that's going to be a good time. Thank you for calling, and if you are around, please join us on Thursday night, the 24th of February at Flappers Comedy Club. And you know what's interesting? It's funny how it's not like it's a big fate thing, but I happen to pass by the Burbank Animal Shelter from time to time. and maybe once or twice a year because it's out in the valley

but there's a road that goes right by it and I always stop in. In fact, I stopped in about two weeks ago and I always go in and I love to see the dogs and I don't get a dog because I just don't have time for a dog in my life but I like to go in

and just for a moment give the little guys a little love It's tough because, you know, you don't know if they're going to get adopted. You don't know if something else is going to happen to them. But I figure if you can go in and send them a little energy and give them a little love and, you know, scratch them under the chin. It's something, right? So I always like to do that. And so here we go. Thursday night, the 24th.

Come on out to flapper. and I will make some money for the dogs. Hey, it's Harland Williams on the Harland Highway. The H. H. Harland Highway. Letters, man, UFOs, Unidentified Flying Object. Who's seen one, man? Anybody listening? And when I say anybody listening,

I hope this isn't going out to, like, outer space and there's like a bunch of guys going. We are listening. Talk to us. This is a signal to invade planet Earth. Harlem Highway is our signal to attack. No, no, I don't mean that. I just mean anyone listening ever see a UFO.

There's some people in Hawaii, I guess, this week, claim they saw a UFO. There's some funny lights in the sky. Why are they always, why the UFOs always just up in the sky? Don't they have landing gear, man? Hey, E.T. Lower your wheels, man. Come on down. Talk to us. Oh, my God. Look at the people down there. Look at how fat they are. I mean, they got to be enticed by something's got to make them want to land. Like a drive-thru? I mean, how many times can you look at Burger King and not want to land your spaceship?

Or if you're hovering over the Hollywood Hills and there's Jennifer Aniston, sunbathing in the nude? You got to come down for that, man. Not even a tractor beam would feel good at that distance. You got to have some hands on. You got to trap these guys. Someone throw a steak out in their yard or something. If you've got a kid with a big head or something, somehow your kid was a freak and born with a big head,

paint them green and put some Elton John sunglasses on them. Put them in the yard. Maybe they'll think it's one of theirs. Put a chain around his neck and nail them into the yard. and see if we can lure them in or hell maybe i'll just stand out there my leopard skin speedo hey guys welcome to planet earth hello here's a big uf hello here on the harland highway okay so i was going to continue ranting about UFOs and i realized as i was doing that bit that there's probably something far more interesting i that i'm

going to get into that might, you know, make some of you guys out there jealous and may make some of you go, oh, what a name dropper. But what the hell? I'm going to talk about. I mentioned, you know, nude sunbathing with Jennifer Aniston. And you know what? I'm not ashamed to boast about this. I did do nude sunbathing with Jennifer Aniston a couple of times. Yeah. And it was. And it was. It was sweet, and I'm not talking about her in a purve way. She is a sweet, wonderful girl. I love Jennifer, and she just has a beautiful body. I mean, you don't have to see her nude to know that.

But there was a time here in Hollywood when I was dating one of her best friends, and during that time in her life, her best friend was looking for a place. used to live and was having trouble finding a place. And so lo and behold, she stayed with her best friend, Jennifer Aniston. So here's me, Jack Tripper. It's like a three's company scenario. You know, I'm spending every night with my girlfriend. And so when I'm with my girlfriend, I'm up at Jennifer Aniston's house.

And so the three of us are hanging around all the time. We're going to dinner. We're going out. We're hanging. We're doing things. We're spending Christmas together. We're, you know, I'm there all the time. We're watching TV and movies and having dinners.

And so I got to know Jennifer quite well, and we became buddies. And, you know, once you break up with the girlfriend, though, you know, that kind of dissipates, right? It's like whenever you have a friend that's a friend of the girlfriend, two things happen. they're either like the friend is like well you you broke up with my girlfriend screw you you're an ass

you know because they always take the side of their girlfriend they don't they don't know you know the other side of the coin they just think guys are asses man what a prick I can't believe he broke up with you right so you have that turnout

or the other side of the coin is you end up going out with the girlfriend friend's best friend okay well obviously that one didn't happen i did not end up going out with jennifer and sadly when i broke up with her best friend you know it kind of severed our relationship and we bumped into each other here and there as friendly it was nice but you know the days of hanging around and nude sunbathing were gone um but i'm not kidding we used to lay in her backyard she had a beautiful house up in the Hollywood Hills, not too far from mine.

And, uh, you know, we'd go over and spend the Saturday afternoons laying nudie by the pool, man. Um, and you got to remember, this is, this is like 10 years ago, okay? I'm not talking, this was like, uh, pre her being married to Brad Pitt. So this was when Jennifer was, uh, I don't know, I guess she was in her late 20s. Oh, and it didn't end there, okay? This is where you guys are going to hate me, and the rest you're going to be,

I don't even believe them, man. But it's true. Not only did I skinny dip with her, a nude sunbathe with her, but it was also my girlfriend at the time, and that beautiful actress Maria Bello. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No?

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It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive. exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. So, you know, if you want to have some kind of a Hollywood fantasy, picture a private yard with a pool, Hollywood Hills, sunny day, Maria Bellow, my ex-girlfriend, Jennifer Aniston, And me, oh, God, I don't even know if I believe it anymore. It's too ridiculous.

Nude sunbathing and skinny dipping on several occasions. Sometimes life just works out and it's really good. And again, beautiful girls, beautiful women. I love them all. Beautiful bodies, not in a pervy way. just you know they're just lovely fit trim beautiful uh women and i i appreciated them on that level and that level only um and it was uh it was nice and uh jennifer is is such a you know i'm gonna add a little personal note here jennifer is such a nice person i i really got to to really like

her a lot she she's uh extremely funny and And just so likable and cute and beautiful. And I guess over all these years, since I knew her, you know, she's gone through all these men. It's been Brad Pitt and Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson. And I don't know who else, man, you know. And it just makes me sad because I got to see Jennifer as she is with the curtain down, you know. Because I was always around the house, I got to see her when she was just flop.

hopping around. I get to see her, you know, not trying to look pretty. I got to see, which, by the way, she looks pretty all the time, but I got to see her not being show busy. You know, when you're in someone's house with them, you just get to see the real them. And believe me, I was there all the time. This spanned over the course of like a year, two years almost. Like I said, we were like three's company and just a wonderful beautiful girl woman and uh i just i feel bad that she's never really uh found a guy that that that where everything's stuck because uh she's she's a girl that has a lot to offer and uh you know what hell if she's listening give me a call jenn let's go skinny dipping man i don't know i don't know can you do it can you can you go out

with a girl once you know all the other guys that she's been with I find that one a little hard in life maybe you guys can chime in and help me with this you can call me at 888-52090 are you the type of guy that's okay with going out with a girl if you know

four of your friends have been out with her or you know the guys that used to you know be with her and that means having sex and making love and sharing memories. Does that turn you off? I got to be honest, it doesn't do it for me. I do not want to be with a girl

that thought my buddy Ed, who likes to crush beer cans on his face, was a catch. And that suddenly somehow, you know, that caliber of guy is the same caliber of guy as I am. Now, I know that may sound snobby or whatever, but it's maybe a little conceited.

don't all guys want to feel special and like, well, there's nobody like me. I'm one of a kind. And, you know, that's not the case. It's people are people. You go out with people for all a myriad of reasons. But, you know, it's just hard to handle knowing that so-and-so was with so-and-so, and now you're going out with them, especially in Hollywood. I mean, God, you really want to go out with a girl who's, who, who, who, who,

dated Polly Shore for a year? Do you want to go out with a girl that dated Axel Rose for a year? Like, just what kind of damage and abuse and perversion went on there? Ugh. I don't know. But you know what? Jennifer, I'd make an exception if you're listening. God, come home to daddy.

But again, wonderful girl. And I thought I'd share that little story with you. Listening to the UFO bit, it struck a chord. And I thought, you know, I got to share with the listeners, my amazing skinny dipping with Jennifer Aniston's story. They might like that one. So there you go, man. Oh, three's company, I better change topics before Mr. Furley gets to the door.

Am I the only one around here who can do anything? right all right if you're wondering why i'm playing taps it's because somebody died did you hear about this race horse i guess he won the uh some kind of big race i don't i don't follow racing i think he won like the indie 500 or something he broke his leg they thought he was going to win the kentucky derby and four years old this guy this horse and breaks his leg they put him to sleep man they tried to rehabilitate them and they're like you know what it's not really taking what else do we got maybe let's see a prosthetic uh maybe we could put a pin in there uh wait a minute anybody have a rifle?

Imagine that. If you broke your leg in society, you were like hung up and shot? Poor horse, man. I mean, this guy was a champion. I'm sure that there was some horse lever, somewhere in the world, some little zit-faced girl on a farm in Montana

who has horse posters all over her wall and smells like manure and just lives for horses would have taken this horse rather than them shooting it. I don't know, man. That's pretty severe. You aren't horses, the glue

that keeps the fabric of our society together? Okay, that was cruel. That was cruel. I made a glue joke. So my humor's broken. Take me out and shoot me. Which is kidding. Yeah, it is sad.

I mean, it is so severe. They're such beautiful animals, right? And you'd think maybe just cut its leg off or something. But talk about your function in society is well-defined. It's like you were bred to race. You're going to run around. You're going to race. The second you can't race, you're going to get a sad.

I'm fascinated. Yeah, whatever. I mean, imagine if we were like that with our Olympians or our athletes. Hi, I'm Brett Favre, and this time it's for real, I'm retiring. Okay, maybe I won't. And speaking of retirement, You know, this might be a little after the fact, but I've just kind of been waiting for the dust to settle

before I talked about the whole Egypt thing. And that's an exciting moment. That's an exciting moment to see that the people of Egypt, primarily the youth of Egypt, rallied together and overthrew their own president, overthrew their own government in the name of democracy. uh it's quite fascinating to watch it's it's it's so uh courageous to see people stand up against uh a government like that and what's funny is at the end of the day you know when you think

of it the government is just made up of a handful of people really if you if you compare it to the masses of the you know the the millions and millions of people the government is is probably made up of like 500 people at the end of the day, 500 important people that matter that have position and power, right? But when you think of it, what's power? It's just, you're just telling them they have the power. The power is not like they hold a magic ray gun or magic crystals and they can turn you into a toad.

The power is just, it's all, it's all just kind of metaphysical, right? it's all just energy it's all just an agreement really um and to see the people start a movement and and overthrow the government it's just uh it's it's quite fascinating especially in a region of the world that's so steeped in in history and religion and custom um you know that that's what makes it even more improbable and uh Part of what's fascinating too is that they credit a lot of this movement towards democracy, this movement to overthrow the government to the social networks. They're talking about how this whole thing, the genesis of this thing, happened on Facebook,

and that it was incubated on the social networks. And that's quite amazing. You know, when you think about a kid named Mark Zuckenberg who was a little college kid in the United States and he was having girl problems and he was looking for a way to pick up chicks easier and he creates this thing called Facebook and, you know, three, four years later,

this thing's creeping into every corner of the planet and all of a sudden it helps revolutionize a country that's kind of stuck in a system for decades, if not centuries. It's pretty fascinating, man, and you've got to start to think of the ripple effect because you know there's discontent in Iran. You know that the youth of Iran during the last Iranian elections, a movement similar to this stuff, where people were riding in the streets and an uprising began and the military clamped down and people were shot and were dying and everyone kind of cowered back into their huts and their homes right but now you got a bet that they're going to see what happened in egypt and going oh man it is on are you kidding me Egypt did it let's just get everyone in the streets

So, you know, you really got a wonder. You got to wonder if this thing is going to ripple through. And then on the bigger world stage, how about China? You know, we all remember Tiananmen Square where a small group of people tried to shut down the military. But think of all the human beings in China, billions of human beings. Imagine if even half of them swarmed the streets. and they said no more no more of this communist

regime, no more of this communist rule no more of the you know the political fat cat sitting on the hill skimming the money it's just a fascinating thing and I felt that I had to comment

on it because it's intriguing it's what shapes the world man and when we live in a world where you can clearly see lines drawn in the sand, as in what happened with 9-11, you're looking at kind of, you know, I would say more primal,

more antiquated societies that can't seem to step out of the shadow of heavy-handed religion and custom, right? But to see the youth move and going, hey, we can hang on to our religion, but let's move forward. Let's join the rest of the world. Let's progress.

And that's exciting. But here's the scary part, too. You just have to hope and pray that they transition into a true democratic society. You've got to hope that the void doesn't get filled by corruption and people that would take the country in an even worse direction. You have to hope that, you know, radical groups don't step in and take over where the previous government left off. I mean, it would be ideal if a truly democratic, freedom-loving government took root there, and that society could start to function and move and breathe as a society. that we're kind of familiar with.

Not to say they should be Americanized, but just to know that there's a group of suppressed people that can now spread their wings and feel free to do what they please and expand as they please and, you know, chase the horizons that they've always dreamed of without persecution. So it's an exciting time,

and I think next show we're going to try and get someone on the ground in Egypt to cover this story. I mean, usually we don't have field reporters, but we're going to do a little research. We're going to kind of try and dig up someone we can put on the ground right there in the middle of Cairo and give us a firsthand account of what's happening on the streets with the people. it's an exciting invigorating time and at least it is to me I don't know a few people like what is, what?

Egypt, isn't that where the pointy buildings are? They're called pyramids. Yeah, but they're pointy. Come on. They're the pointy buildings, right? So there's so much more going on. We're going to follow it for you. Like I said, we'll get someone on the ground for the next podcast.

That'll be really exciting. And we'll keep watching the story. But for now, you are right here, firmly rooted on a road that is total freedom. Anything can happen. Anything goes.

Nobody holds us back. You're right here on the Harland Highway where, you know, we probably have pointy buildings somewhere on the side of the road, too. Yeah, you know what? I think of it. the Luxor Casino in Las Vegas.

Yep, we do have pointy buildings here in the United States. So there you go, ending the show on a little bit of a serious note, but I feel like it's an important time. It could be a catalyst in the history of the world. Let's hope it shapes up good. We'll have someone there reporting next show. So that's it for today in the ever-freedom-loving United States. States of America.

Um, that's it. And until next time, chicken, chow, Maine, baby. The springs are about to go. That's ridiculous. I fixed it myself just last week. See, it's fine. Well, I've got things to do. We are listening to talk to us.

This is a signal to invade planet Earth. Harlan Highway is our signal to attack. Thank you.