The Harland Highway - PODCAST 235

Episode Date: February 25, 2011

A visit with my boss Mr. Featherstone, lottery winners, wireless stuff, Taxi's, Dr. Ascot, live satellite feed to Egypt. Blueberry face warts!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Bang, bang, boom, baby. You want to party with this? And when I say party with this, I mean party with this podcast. Yeah, the Harland Highway podcast. Welcome, everybody. I am your host with the most, Harlan Williams. Thanks for riding along today. Let's get right to it.

We are going to be, wow, this is cool. We have a guy live on the ground via satellite in Eden. We're going to be gone there later in the show to get a firsthand report of all the incredible, exciting activity transpiring in Egypt. We're going to be talking about taxis, how annoying taxis can be. I have a surprising visit with Dr. Ascot and my boss, Mr. Featherstone, today. Things are going to change around here. Hang around and see. We're going to talk about how great why.

Wireless is. Oh, don't we love wireless activity? We've got to talk about that. And something that irks me a little bit, lottery winners, man. Yeah, are you a lottery winner? Do you know lottery winners? Is it that easy to win a lottery? I don't know.

We're going to get into it because it might not be that easy. But I'll tell you what is easy listening to this podcast, The Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway Hi, I'm Jackie Wanna play Please go away and leave me alone You just made a wrong turn

On to the Harland Highway Man, keep it going Love the show You're hilarious My blanket, my blue blanket Give me my blue blanket Passing your seat bill You're riding down the Harlan Highway

It's the Harland Highway Have you checked the children Hey, it's Harlan Williams here And you are on the Harland Highway Wireless Don't you love wireless though Don't you love that you can just walk through the airport With your computer

Hold it in your hand and email people And be online without even looking up The rest of the world disappears You're just in your computer world. I thought of the wireless thing, man. Okay, dig it. Okay, I'm sitting in the middle of a field with a little piece of metal in my hand, my computer.

I'm talking with a guy in Australia. Or I'm watching a video on YouTube. I'm not plugged in anything. I'm just sitting in a field on a chair. Bird singing. Nothing around me. I mean, wow, that's cool, man. That is cool.

Wireless is cool. We take things for granted, like turning on light switches and our water. Most of us don't even know where that comes from or how we get it, but wireless? Makes me feel like a superhero, like an alien. I will now transmit to Africa. I will now watch a movie in the middle of the forest. I am superhuman. I am a robot.

I am wireless. Hear me roar. I love being wireless. Now, if only I could get debtless, girlfriendless, and zitless, I'd be perfect. You're riding down the Harland Highway. Ah, yes. I love it how things progress. Some things don't progress, though.

And unfortunately, it's my... therapy sessions with Dr. Ascot, it's Friday, and you know what? I'm taking a stand, and today I'm doing something different. I'm going to go upstairs and see my boss. It's time to change things up with me and Dr. Ascott. Okay, so here I am. I'm a little nervous. It's Friday.

I'm supposed to be going to see Dr. Ascott, which I do every Friday. I've been doing it for a year, and I'm just at the point where I personally feel I don't need to see him every week. So I'm up at my boss's office, Mr. Featherstone. And I'm waiting to see him, and I'm going to go in and ask him if I can cut it back to once every two weeks instead of every week. Hold on. Here he is. Hang on. I'm told to go in. Can I go in? Okay. I'm going in. Uh, hello, uh, Mr. Featherstone, sir. How are you? Have a seat, kid. Uh, thank you very much sir i take you're busy yeah well guy like you can probably take it anyway you can get it huh what does that mean sir you know what i mean you and your guy friends pardon me the guys

what do you what does that mean aha sir i came to ask you about my therapy sessions okay let's get into that then look as you know i do this mandated yeah mandate i bet sir what i'm not gay would you stop it okay what does that mean yeah okay look sir what i want to do is i i'm required to do these therapy sessions i've been doing them successfully for a whole year almost a little longer with dr ascot yeah that's the guy great guy that guy wonderful guy dr asker Well, I debate that a little. I bet you debate. Excuse me?

I bet you debate a lot under your sheets. Sir, what I'm trying to say is... Why don't you just say it? What I'm trying to... Who are you, by the way, again? Harlan Williams, sir. Who? Harland?

Holland? Harland. Halland. Sir... I do the Harland Highway. I'm the host of the podcast. Oh, you're that guy. Okay. They tell me you're funny. I've never really

heard about it. Well, I try to be funny, sir. Yeah, well, the Chinese tried to invent a rice bomb, but you didn't see that happening. What is it? What a rice bomb? What happened? Look at your history books. Sir, I don't think I... What about Dr. S. Scott? Okay. What I want to do is I feel like

I've done the curriculum. I've completely, You know, the required therapy sessions once every Friday. What I want to do is cut it back to, you know, if I could just do it once every two weeks instead of once every week. Hey, let me ask you something. Yes, sir. You ever fought on a Volkswagen? Excuse me?

You ever pulled down your pants and fought on a Volkswagen? Sir, I don't know why I would do that. Well, I don't know why the moon is blue. huh you gotta get wise with me what are you uh uh teddy turner all of a sudden i don't know the the moon is blue yeah sir if we could just stay how howellon williams is that it yes sir harland williams okay it's a funny name well it's just a name sir yeah well it's funny Maybe if you could be funny We don't have all these problems

We don't have all these problems, sir I just want to cut back on the therapy Well, let me look at my book Let me see you've been doing it Hang on here You've been doing it for every Friday For almost over a year You feel like you're making progress?

Yeah, I feel like I've made a lot of progress You feel like maybe you're not going to cause any commotion, you're not going to get me a lawsuit throwing at me when you say something stupid? I'm not going to, sir, I'm not that kind of a provocative person where I'm going to create a lawsuit situation for you. Let me ask you this then. Okay.

You ever fought on a Ferrari? What is the fart thing? I'm just asking. I haven't fart. I don't fart on cars. Yeah, well, you better, you should try it, huh? you fought on a cherry red Ferrari something I don't know how it smells like raspberry sir I tried it once that's how I know let's all right I'm gonna sign off on this thing

so you want to go you want to go once every two weeks to see Ascot yes sir that would be huge all right let's try it out I'm gonna I'm gonna do this it's Hagland Harlan Harland Williams, the Harland Highway. Are you yelling at me, Whippersnapp? No, I'm not. I thought I heard you raise your voice. Now, if you want to come into my office and be a whippersnap, sir, I'm not sure I know what a whippersnapp is. Oh, so now you're going to play Nancy Drew with me.

What do you mean, Nancy Drew? You're going to pretend whippersnaps a mystery, huh? Sir, I don't know what whippersnapp... Uh-huh. What does that mean? Uh-huh. You ever fart on a, uh, one of those, uh, those, uh, Priuses? No, sir, I don't fart.

Don't raise your voice with me. Sir, I'm just happy that you've signed off, uh, on the new arrangements with Dr. Ascot. And hang on, I got a call coming in. Hang on. You know what kid? I got to take this. What's your name again? Harland.

Haller. Yes, sir. All right. you get out of here i'll talk to ask god i think we're done okay yes sir and good luck with all you guys sir i'm not get out of here wow so that that went great i made it out alive barely i'm so so excited i can't wait to go tell ascot that i only have to see them once every other week this is huge let's get back to the studio

I got to break the news to that idiot ascot Man oh man did you hear about the old folks that won the big lottery They won 254 million dollars In I think like 254 is pretty much about

how many minutes they have left to live. I mean, God, bless them for winning, but God, you've got to be pissed. Yeah, I'd almost be mad if I won at that age. They were like 80, 80 years old and up. And you imagine slaving your ass off, your whole life? I mean, they live through the depression. They lived through two world wars. They lived through Vietnam.

I mean, the guy probably worked nine to five for, for 14. years, a general electric or something, and she probably, you know, raised nine kids and worked part-time as a nurse. I mean, that's the way things were done in those days. It's not like today where you can, you know, invent YouTube and two years later own half the planet. So these people spend a lifetime building up a little nest egg so they can go to Florida every winter and crisp their skin. Halow! And at the end of their run,

they win 254 million bucks. I'd almost... I'm not kidding. I would probably take it all and build a mound of money and light it. And just jump around it like a demented elf.

Just to show the rest of the world that you don't need it. Now, let's have that party. Oh, $254 million. I don't know if you're listening to the show, folks, but before you burn that money, send a little my way. I could use a new coat of paint, maybe some new shoes,

and oh, yeah, a Lamborghini and a yacht. It's got to be weird, too, to go from kind of living and squalor your whole life to suddenly having, like, unlimited cash. I mean, I haven't followed a lot of the results. Like, I haven't done a follow-through on any of these lottery winners, but you got to wonder if it's just a nightmare, if it's a disaster, right? If these people are like, they don't know how to handle the money,

and they have no concept of money, and they just blow it, and they, uh, you know, they just, uh, spend it willy-nilly, or they, well, it's a million dollars. Why wouldn't I give $200,000 to, uh, my cousin Ed? I mean, I've still got, uh, 800,000. What, what do you mean? Over half of it goes to taxes and what do you mean I have to pay this and that and my property tax and this and that? And all of a sudden I'm down to $60,000. thousand hey cousin ed i want that 200 grand back too late and you know the other thing they say

about money well you know just because you have money doesn't mean it's a skip in the park man having money brings its own problems and the problem with with acquiring money too is that you know if you if you acquire some money and you came by that money by winning it and you acquire it by using a skill or some kind of talent that you had to perpetuate the money, keep the money going. When the money runs out, your lifestyle runs out. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes.

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Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code. Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Because you didn't have the means to make that type of money before the lottery, so you're certainly not going to have the means to make that money after the lottery

unless you invested it very wisely. But I wonder if a lot of these guys, they win like, you know, 8 million bucks. Like, I'm rich. I'm set for life. They go and spend it. Four years later, it's gone. And they're like, I thought I was rich for life, man. What the hell? hell well i'll just go back to my old ways and i guess what are the my old job at home depot pays how much an hour so i i could clear what a year but how is that going to pay for my yacht and my summer home and my cottage and my helicopter and oh why did i ever win the lottery so i don't know man I hope any of you lottery winners out there have done wisely.

You know, we're smart about your money. And God bless you for winning, man. Now, let's see, I better get over and visit Ascot because I can't wait to drop this bombshell on them. I'm going to go meet them in the cafeteria here. and uh just walking down the hall here just down the hall and coming up on the cafeteria and oh i see him i see him sitting over there i'm going to go and sit down and hello dr ascot hello alland why are you in the cafeteria alland what you were planning to come to my studio were you

Exactly, Holland. To do a little therapy, were you, Doctor? Just like we always do, Holland, every Friday. Oh, well, isn't this weird and out of context that I'd catch you first in the cafeteria? Having a little coffee, are you, As God? Holland, I detect a bit of sarcasm in your voice. No, don't confuse sarcasm with pure joy. Oh, it's nice to see you full of joy.

Holland. You always seem so defeated whenever we get together, Holland. Yeah, that's exactly right. But the defeats on you today, As Scott. What are you talking about, Allent? Oh, I just had a little meeting with Mr. Featherstone upstairs. Turns out he agrees with me. We were doing the therapy long enough. We're only doing it every other Friday. Oh, and. No, don't Allend me.

Okay. It's starting to slip in my direction, As Scott. No more every Friday having to endure your BS. Holland. Harland. Holland. Harland. Holland. See, I can do it too.

How does it feel, As Scott? You don't have the reins on me now every Friday. And then it's just going to keep slipping and slip until I don't even need you anymore. Olin, gloating is a sign. Oh, no, no, no. Don't tell me gloating is a sign. We're not doing therapy. You can't analyze anything.

You can't break it down. You can't tell me what's what. Oh, no. Sorry. So I'm going to get out of here and, you know, we'll see you next week, As Scott. Olin, come back. See ya. Holland.

See you later. Holland. Up yours! Holland, I heard that. Up yours, I hope the whole friggin' studio hears it. Escott blows! Ohland. Perhaps all have to go another talk was Mr. Featherstow myself, Holland.

Oh, this coffee is delicious. It reminds me of melted magic puppy dog dreams. Oh, Hey, Harlem Williams here on the Harlan Highway. You like to call a cab to your house to get you to the airport or some other function. Not fun. Uh, you know, what a procedure that is. First of all, you got a phone.

then you gotta hope they show up on time and then you got to pray you don't have a cab that smells like a burrito stand and doesn't have gum and stains in the back then you got to pray your driver is under you know 900 years old and then you got to pray they know how to drive properly and then you got to pray they know how to get from point A to point B the route you like to take. Sometimes they're like, oh no, we're going to go around my way. I have, you know, I've been driving for years. Let's do this little ditty. You've never seen this route. You know, nine hours later, you've missed your plane and you're standing in Greenland in a field with a musk oxen charging at you. Yeah, I said Detroit National Airport, not Greenland. Yeah, but you know, that'll be $9 million, please.

Oh, no! And worst of all is the ones that talk. Oh, my God, it's like being at a gab fest. You got an early flight at like, you know, six in the morning. You're barely awake. You're laying in the back like you've just been shot. Your head rolling around against the back of the seat. Your eyes rolling in your head.

And this guy's like... And then when I was in Vietnam, I spent 900 years over there. and then I came home, and my family, you know, we split up with a little house in the Bronx, and my son went away to college, and I ended up buying another house, and my wife left me, and then we opened a me, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, it never ends. And you're just like, God, please roll this car off a bridge. Stop! So if you're rolling down the Harlan Highway, either take your own car or walk,

or if you want someone to talk to, grab a cab. And speaking of going to other destinations, traveling, transporting oneself, as promised last podcast, you all are well aware of the upheaval in the country of Egypt. The overthrow of the government. There's a lot of excitement in the air. There's new developments coming out every minute. Just an incredible time in history, not only for that country, but for the world. The ramifications could be immense.

It could, you know, be the beginning of changes in that whole region and possibly ripple effect into other regions. of the world. So we finally made contact with a gentleman in Egypt, an Egyptian man. Tanhut. His name is hard to pronounce. It's Tanhut oraynha. Tanhut oraina. I hope I'm getting that right. And he is on the ground in the middle of all the excitement. Let's go to him. We have satellite feed rate here. Tan Hoot, can you hear me? Yes, I've got to get a piece of bungee card.

Tan Hoot, can you hear me? No, the bungee card. I want to jump off the bridge and do the bungee. Tan Hoot, this is the Harlem Williams from the Harland Highway. Hello, I can hear you. I can hear you, please. Oh, good, there he is. You're right there in the middle of this historic occasion.

Tell us what is going on down there. That's a beautiful day the sun be shining. We had a little bit of dust storm early. The sun blowing around, but it's beautiful. Okay, so you have a beautiful day. Tell us from your vantage point what you can see. What are you seeing on the ground in Egypt? Well, I could see my house, and I can see the front lawn.

And hold on, there's a dog running down on sidewalk in front of the road. house. Okay, you can see your house, the front lawn. You say there's a dog running. You have the dog just run by the front yard of my house. Okay, tell us about the atmosphere there. Well, I just told you it's a wonderful sunny, sunny day. Tell us about the crowds. What are the crowds like? Is it insanity? Quiet today, my neighbor's sleeping in the house. Your neighbor's sleeping in? Sometimes she gets up early, but today's sleeping in the house. What about the throngs of people, the freedom fighters in the street?

What? The people, the millions of people, hundreds of thousands of people, the feeling of euphoria, No, very quiet today. My wife make a feta bread. What? What? Feta bread.

What the hell? Yes, I don't know why you're laughing, but my wife made the feet of bread. Okay, are you anywhere near this uprising at all? Well, I had a little movement earlier today, if that's what you mean by uprising. No, I don't mean did you have a move? I mean the social uprising. What is it? I said we're making defeat the bread.

Okay, where are you? I told you I'm in the front lawn of my house. Are you anywhere near downtown Cairo? No, I live in the suburbs. What are you talking about? Tan Hoot, we are looking to be... You were supposed to be in the middle of the action. What do you think I'm crazy going down there

without a lunatics whether you're under your okay get them off get him off with a punchicot get him off would you like to send you some frahuta bread wait a minute it just changed its name

you'd be changing quickly okay get them off the hell roger I told you to get a guy in the middle of the aggie got me some guy on a Sunday afternoon standing in his front lawn his wife's making fahula bread or whatever it is

good lord that was a bomb okay well sorry about that folks it was like a big buildup to the end of the show I thought we were going to be taking part in some history and we got some guy who's like standing in his yard idiot Roger I don't know why anyhow well that's the end of our show

maybe we can get someone down there some other time just don't understand all right well let's get to some announcements and uh if you're looking for a laugh this weekend you can catch me yours truly at the hollywood improv on melrose boulevard right here in holly weird california two nights only friday and saturday the 25th the 26th of February. Definitely come down and check me out. It is going to be a very good time. Don't forget to write us at Save a Shark at gmail.com to help us harass the restaurants that are serving shark fin soup and killing our sharks. We've had a lot of people writing. It's been amazing. It's more than I expected. I want to say thank you

to all of you that participate and you know, don't forget, we update the restaurant every two months we find a new restaurant to hit so feel free to hit us back and thank you, thank you, thank you.

Don't forget, you can check out harlandwilliams.com. You can write me letters. You can call me 888-52090 and check out the merch store at harlown williams.com. Buy some fun presents and gifts for you and your loved ones. So that's it for today. I'm sure you don't want some falhalla bread.

What, get this guy off. I've got some num-num bread from you. Please get him off, Roger. God. Sorry. Not really. Fah-lala bread. What the hell is it?

And the num-n-n-n-n-brad. What is numb-n-n-brad? What is numb-n-n-bram? Roger, hang up on this guy. I've got some yummy raisin toast. We don't want raisin toast. Hang up on the bread guy. Hey, you don't have to yell at me.

Unbelievable. It's your stupid show. So that's it. Thank you for riding down the Harlan Highway. Great to have you along. Please tell your friends, your family, living or dead. We don't care.

We like to make everyone laugh here on the highway. And I guess until next time, All I can really say is chicken chow maim, baby. You ever fought on a Volkswagen? Excuse me?