The Harland Highway - PODCAST 236

Episode Date: February 28, 2011

Viz Magazine, computer love, Celebrity races, the speed of a sneeze. Flap my greasy mud flaps!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, that's all right, Mama. That's all right for you. That's all right, Mama. Just any podcast will do, but that's all right. No, any podcast will not do. Sorry. Nice try. This is the Harlan Highway and nothing else.

But so there you go. Welcome, everybody. I'm Harlem Williams. Good to have you bored the highway rolling down at breakneck speed. Lots to cover today. We're going to be talking about computer love. How much are you in love with your computer and electronic devices?

I think it's starting to get weird out there. We're going to be talking about sneezes, something you don't usually talk about. Interesting scientific information about sneezing. we're going to the celebrity racetrack today lots of great celebrities running down the track I'm going to tell you about a really funny British magazine I'm going to be reading some excerpts from a British magazine that I think you'll get a kick out of

and lastly we're going to be getting into freedom and America and revolutions and all that stuff that got whipped up in the Middle East starting in Egypt it's going to get crazy, but it always does here on the Harlan Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hi, I'm Jackie want to play. Please go away and leave me alone.

You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Man, keep it going. Love the show. You're hilarious. My blanche and my blue blanket. You're riding down the Harlan Highway. It's the Holland Highway.

Have you checked the children? Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Charles Parsley, and welcome to another fabulous afternoon of celebrity racing here at the Holland Highway Celebrity Racetrack. Today we have director-actor Clint Eastwood in Gate 1. We have Janine Garofalo, comedian activist in Gate 3. We have Moe from the Three Stooges

and also Sean John Puffy P. Diddy in Gate 5. They're getting ready. There they go. There they go. The gates are open. The gates are up there running down the track. They are charging down the track. Puffy P. Diddy out in the lead.

Puffy P. Diddy tearing up the track as he goes down. And here comes Janine Garofalo. Janine Garoflo, stopping, slowing down. She pulls out a book. She pulls out a book. called Activism for Dummies. She pulls out a book, and it seems like she's having trouble

understanding topics and really knowing what she's saying. Clint Eastwood has pulled out a camera. He's shooting a film. Clint Eastwood is shooting another film as he flies down the track. He's filming Gene McAroffalo, looking confused,

and she reads activism for dummies. And here comes Mo. Moe from the Three Stoges running around in circles, but he's got his bearings. He's coming past Janine Garavlo. He slaps her in the front. face Cocoa Bonser and slides a saw across the top of her head. P. Diddy is slowing down now.

P. Diddy stops in front of the audience. It looks like he's posing. He's trying on different sets of sunglasses. He's got a pair of white pants on. He's got a white shirt. He's turning around. He's modeling. No one really knows what this man really does. He's just standing there and posing. And here comes Clint Eastwood. He's set up a dolly track. He's sliding down the track on his dolly camera he's rolling down the track Janine Garofalo looking confused and befuddled

she's starting to yell topics at the crowd she's starting to yell political topics and activist activity she doesn't know what she's talking about the crowd is booing her they're booing her from the three stooges

is kicking her in the buttocks he's kicking her and slapping her about the face oh he's just put two fingers up Janine Garoflo's nose and pulled her by the hair into the railing. Oh, Janine Garofalo is down, and P. Diddy is just lost in some kind of modeling trance as he twirls around in his white clothes. It looks like Clint he's put him Moe running down the track. It looks like here comes Moe. He's running, he's skipping, and it looks

like Clint Eastwood slides across the finish line on his Dolly track. And Janine Garofalo befuddled and laying in the mud, and P. Diddy actually standing on her back so he doesn't get his white wardrobe dirty in the mud. I'm Charles Parsley. Thank you for joining us at the Holland Highway Celebrity Races. First of all, love your podcast. This is Anthony Ferro in Auburn, California.

I've actually been recommending it to a lot of my friends. First question you had on the podcast I listened to recently was regarding Valentine's Day. Well, there's always the traditional flowers and candies or whatnot. I personally, when I was younger, liked to take my better half to a movie or something. Nice and quiet, way from the kids, too, yikes. Secondly, regarding the rainbow thing, I had a lot of friends when I was in my younger 20s, I'm straight myself, but at least from what I understand, it's kind of like a unity thing, you know, all the colors, if that makes any sense. But that's my two cents on that, and I'll probably be leaving a message later on. Always look on the light side of life.

Yeah, I love me, some British humor. I don't know about you folks, but I've always had a soft spot for the old British humor. and I want to expose you to a very funny British magazine. It's like a comic book. It's called Viz, V-I-Z, Viz magazine. I'm not sure if you can get it online. I don't know if there's like a Viz.com or anything like that. There probably is.

There seems to be a dot-com for everything. But I actually pick up this magazine at magazine stores that's selling. Oh, here it is, www.viz.com.com. Okay, that's a little complicated. But anyways, this magazine has been making me laugh for years, and it's British humor, and it's full of silly cartoons and silly letters, and there's this one character in the comic book named Roger Nellie, the man on the telly, and he's like,

a typical British news guy like our Brian Williams or Tom Broca or you know Katie Corrick and obviously he's a cartoon character and he has this one section in Viz that they do from time to time

and I want to share it with you because it's so absurd it's called Roger Nellie's profanisarius okay it's kind of like Thesarius but it's his profanities and what he does is he comes up with words new words that describe certain things now

some of these get pretty graphic and pretty blue so you might want to cover the kids ears i'm just reading from viz magazine uh let's give you an example here's here's the first one uh it's called a bot caps bought caps and here's the explanation plugs of shit roll worn in the aim to prevent skids on a hot day. I don't even understand it. But just in case you missed it, bot caps, plugs of shit roll worn in the anus to prevent skids on hot days. Does anyone understand it? I don't know.

Here's another one, bum beaver. Bum beaver, an arse where the cress has grown out of control. so arse means ass and I'm guessing crest means crack and I guess the hair is growing out of control Here's another one from Roger Nellie's profanusarius Change Rain Okay sounds innocent enough change rain A shower of coins which falls from the trouser pockets

When a gentleman is attempting to undress quietly and not wake his slumbering wife. All right, that one's a little more civil. Here's one, Calving. Calving. Having a difficult delivery on the toilet, attempting to pass an exceptionally troublesome shit where in extreme cases it may be necessary

to tie a rope around it and get someone to pull it out. Oh, God. Calving, or caffing, I guess, is how you'd say it. Oh, let's do a couple more and then get the hell out of here. This is getting nasty. Here's one, fish mitten's bark, an audible release of clam gas, a quief, a fanny fart. That's fish mitten's bark. Here's one, a flat Stanley, a sexual encounter with a very large lady.

Okay. Let's do one more. Here we go. One last one, and then we'll bail out of here. Gorilla's breakfast. A shit that smells good enough to turn around and eat again right out of the pan as guerrillas do in the wild on winter mornings. What? A gorilla's breakfast. You want to hear it again? A shit that smells good enough to turn around and eat again. right out of the pan as guerrillas do in the wild on winter mornings. Good Lord. Unbelievable. Well, I guess if you want to look up some of your own Roger Nelly profanissorious things,

I didn't find a website here as I was flipping through. It's profanisorius at viz.c.c.org. So check it out. Maybe I'll read some more of these later in the week. They are pretty crude, but at the same time, they're so silly that they make me laugh. I've got to do one more. Here's one. Toilet Duck.

An untimely and probably unwanted erection, which manifests while one is sitting on the toilet. Named after a well-known brand of toilet cleaner, which boasts of reaching under the rim. oh man we have got to do some more of these so we'll get into some of those as we keep going along so there you go let's seal it up and i hope you enjoyed some of that nutty british humor if life seems jolly rotten there's something you forgot and that's to laugh and smile and and dance and sing when you're feeling in the dumps be silly chumps just purse your lips and whistle That's the thing. Ain't always look on the bright side of love.

Always look on the right side of love. And I read something recently that said A lot of people are spending more time with their computers than with their lovers. Is that a little scary? I mean, isn't that the equivalent of maybe starting to go out with a robot? I mean, we don't spend more time with any other household appliance. You know, I don't sit around with my toaster and tell stories. You know what I mean?

I don't take the microwave out on the front yard and play Frisbee. I mean, what are people doing with their computers? Maybe that's what those Starbucks computer people are. You know, you know, you always see people. at Starbucks sitting there with their computers? I always thought they were writing. Turns out they're on a date, man. I like to listen in on that.

How's your chile latte? My chile latte is decent. How is your Frappuccino? Oh, it's excellent. Write me a letter, will you? I shall do that right away. I don't know, man.

It's kind of creepy. How could you spend more time with her computer than a nice, warm, lovable human body, man? Baby, will you come into the bedroom and make love to me right now? Oh, I'd like to, but, um, you know, I've got to, uh, touch the keypad on my apple. I'm sorry, baby. Look, we can maybe make love tomorrow when I'm going to let my computer sleep for a little while. Is that cool? Yeah.

I've got to do some Microsoft Officing right now, if you know what I mean. Hello. Ooh, creepy. Wait a minute. Oh, my God, I just really... I'm doing this show into a computer right now. My voice is going through a computer

and bouncing back to you, people. Oh, my God! I'm on a date. Oh, my God. I love you, computer. Oh, my God. You people are listening in on our private moment. How dare you?

Click. Okay, they're gone. It's just me and you, Apple. So, you want to do a little massage? Huh? What? We're still on? Oh, my God.

I got to go. Harlem Williams here on the naughty Harlan Highway. It's true, right? Come on. You know, I'm right. And now with the iPad, it's even crazier. And now with our phones being able to do so much, it is just... I have a sneaky feeling people are enjoying spending more time with their toys,

their iPads and their computers than they are with humans. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping.

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your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. It is weird when you walk the street now. Next time you go out, here's an experiment.

Next time you're in a mall or anywhere where there's a public gathering. If you're in the subway, if you're walking past an outdoor cafe, if you're looking at people sitting on a bench waiting for a bus, just take a look and count at how many people are sitting and looking. down into their phone or touching their phone or on their phone or playing a game. It's pretty freaky, man. It is. It's just getting a little creepy where we're at the kind of the early stages of the cell phone

iPad revolution and they're developing more and more things on these phones to distract us, to commandeer our time to make us spend time on our phones, on our iPads. And, you know, I used to think, oh, you know, Sony Walkmans and iPods and stuff, you know, people were tuning out society. And in a way they were, but when you think of it, all they did was really listen to music.

So what they were doing was kind of, you know, silencing society. They didn't want to hear anything. They just wanted to hear their music. But now it's beyond that with the phones and the iPads. It's a whole new level of socializing and interacting. It's like everyone wants to communicate vis-a-vis their toy, but they don't want to communicate with anyone in the real world.

It's like someone could sit down on a park bench and say, hey how you doing today and you could just be like uh excuse me man can't you see i'm busy uh talking to my phone oh sorry don't apologize to me apologize to my phone you heard its feelings um i think i'll just walk yeah you better you better i don't know it's getting it's getting crazier and crazier and uh i worry that people are getting more and more detached here's a question how many of you before you go to bed at night, you used to maybe read a book for 20 minutes, but now you lay in bed, you prop up the pillows, you turn on the little nightlight, and you play a game on your phone. Guilty! I do it. I play Scrabble. It's kind of like my go-to fall-asleep

thing. I used to read a book. You know, you get through like eight or nine pages, your eyes get real heavy, you fall asleep, right? Now it's like I play. I play. I play, you know, you get through eight or nine pages. Your eyes get real heavy. you fall asleep right now it's like i play solitaire i play scrabble i i'm doing stuff on my phone it's creepy it's creepy man and on that note hey if you have any thoughts about it call me 888 52090 would love to get your phone feedback on the phone so pick up your phone and um i hate to say it phone oh oh hang on a sec hang on before you phone uh oh oh oh oh oh oh choo oh oh hello that was like 200 miles an hour right there yeah did you know that that the human sneeze they've done some idiot decided to measure the force of a human

sneeze do today man you got any measuring instruments yeah why i don't want to measure the force of a human sneeze oh yeah i don't a witch hand. Hello! But isn't that weird that us humans can actually physically do something at 200 miles an hour?

Wow, that's speed, man. I'm sneezing as fast as a small plane. Hey, baby, I can sneeze faster than a Lamborghini. Hello, your place are mine. Hachoo! I've got allergies. And I'm ready to put on a show. Achoo! I don't know, man.

That's wild. 200 miles an hour. Next time you see a fly in your house, instead of swatting it, get down right in front of it like you're trying to say, Hello, hi, little fly, hey, little fly, and then, ah,-choo! And you just Hurricane Katrina, that little weasol,

splatter them into a wall, 200 miles an hour. Mewcus and scum and spray. Oh, yeah. Hurricane raid. Oh, that should be a superhero. Stop in the name of the law. Achoo! Thank you.

All right, I'm going to go get some Dristand nasal mist. Here on the Harland Highway. And speaking of moving at the speed of light, man, here's what's cool. You know, I'm going to touch on the whole situation in the Middle East. East, you know, with the, you know, the overthrow of the Egyptian government and now people are, you know, kind of protesting and marching in the streets of a lot of the neighboring countries and, you know, the smell of freedom is in the air. And, you know, it's just an interesting time in history.

It's great to see the upheaval and the chaos. And, you know, if there's one thing I've always felt in life is that, you know, you know, you know, if there's one thing I've always felt in life, is that you can never, never keep the human spirit down. You know, you hear these horror stories about, you know, P-O-Ws in World War II and in the Korean War and Vietnam and, you know, human beings that are just kept prisoner in the most adverse situations, torture and malnutrition and slavery,

and yet, you know, it's almost impossible sometimes to break the will of a human. And that's always been my belief. You know, I'm not a political scientist or anything like that, but I've always believed my whole life that, you know, any type of communist government or dictator government, it's just you can only last so long because the human spirit just craves that, freedom the human spirit needs to soar it we've been given so much creativity and intelligence and ingenuity that it's like it's like trying to keep uh you know it's like trying to keep a monkey

in a box and it smells bananas and it's getting out of that box man you know um yeah clearly i'm not a political sense uh today students we will uh study the monkey in the Box theory. Thank you. Where's everybody going? Hello. But anyways, it's great to see, and it's going to be an interesting time to see how deep it spreads, how far the flames get fanned, how each country is reacting. Some countries just kind of rolled over like Egypt and gave in, and other countries are probably going to kill and slaughter their own citizens. they've already started it. But you know what? I figure if enough people show up in the streets every day,

how long can you keep killing your own people till it's just redundant, you know? How long till it's just like, you know, the throngs of humans just storm the palace and storm the military and you can't fight it after a while, you know? So it's going to be interesting to see, but what I'm kind of doing in a roundabout way is I want to talk about how quickly the tide can turn, okay?

How one week there could be peace in Egypt and the same old, same old that's been going on for 30 years. And overnight, you know, in the span of 10 days, everything changes. The decades of government rule are gone. The freedoms in the air. the citizens demand their freedom. And I find it fascinating to see that, you know, the will of the people can initiate change and quickly.

And so here comes the big shocker. I wonder if that's something that will happen here in the United States. Interesting, right? Because we, you know, we all love our cheesecake factories and our apple bees and the multiplex and the go-car track and the mall and the car dealership. And, you know, we all do our little ritualistic things that kind of make life easy and we coast along.

But any night you turn on the TV, you hear about another senator screwing a 12-year-old prostitute, and you hear, you know, Charlie Rangel, the guy overseeing the ethics committee, is getting nailed for embezzling money, and income tax evasion, like, what the hell? Even our own presidents, you know, the whole Monica Lewinsky thing and Richard Nixon

and, you know, just the levels and the depth of the corruptness and the money and the deception and the, I don't know, just the whole disappointment of how government kind of behaves. And on our behalf, you know, we kind of vote. vote for these schmucks because what else do we have but when you pile all the incidents up all the government incident and all the all this stuff that we don't like that the government does don't you people somewhere in the back of your mind that doesn't it creep in where you just go hmm i really can't stand all the BS that goes on day to day up there they waste our time

and they waste our money, what if we here in America just rolled into the streets? Me and my neighbor and my friends and my high school buddy and, you know, started as 30, then it was 80, then it was 400, then it was like 10,000, then it was a million. It's funny to think that what happened in Egypt could happen here. It's not unthinkable. It's kind of scary actually to open the world.

that can of worms but you know aren't there days when you just get so disappointed in the same old same old that you just would do anything to see a change just to go in with a giant fire hose and blast the halls of Washington D.C. and the White House and the Capitol building and just clean it the hell out get rid of all the old politicians all the stigmas all the customs all the all the paybacks, all the kickbacks, all the BS. What would that be like if the people just pulled in Egypt on Washington, D.C., and demanded all the old crows that are sitting up there buzz off? All the guys that have been up there for 40, 50 years, just doing the same old thing. Yeah, look at me.

Now I'm a big radical. Oh, Williams the radical. A revolutionist. But you know what? That's how this stuff happens. I'm not trying to start a revolution, but I will say that I do get discontent with what I see. The old status quo.

And you think to yourself, how many more decades will it just keep going around and around and around in a circle with the corruptness and the BS. And you know what? The truth is, one day the citizens will pour into the streets. I don't know if it'll be tomorrow or it'll be in 50 years,

but this is America, man. I mean, look at the Tea Party thing. I don't know if you like it or don't like it, but that was kind of an uprising. That was kind of the people going, hey, enough of the traditional BS. Now, as far as a revolution, the Tea Party to me is like revolution.

and ultra, ultra, ultra, ultra, ultra light. You know, if it was like a soft drink, it would be almost like Pepsi Zero or Coke Zero. It's got a little bit of a bite, but at the same time it's still got the same kind of faces and big wigs. And even though people are all fired up and waving their flags, you can tell that they're really not willing to quite go so crazy that they're going to give up the cheesecake factory

and the movieplex for the weekend, right? But it'll be interesting to see if one day during our lifetime when the people just say, screw all of that, screw the system, screw the way we live, it's great, but we can do better.

We can do better. We demand more from the people we vote in. We want some scruples. We want some morals. We want someone to stand by their, word we don't want any backroom deals compromising their integrity be interesting to see man it can happen just like that that's what's so fascinating about it and one day it will and i'm not saying that in a bad way i mean it could happen hopefully in a good way a peaceful way and in a way in which

uh you know the united states of america is bettered It betters itself. But listen to me, ranting and raving. Suddenly I'm like Rush Limbaugh or, you know, I don't know who. Glenn Beck all of a sudden, I don't know. I'm just sharing my opinion. I think it's funny how the world is always shifting. And it'll be interesting to see which way we shift when the tides start to move us.

And on that provocative sentiment, that provocative kind of insight, I'll leave it in your court if you want to share any thoughts. 888, 52090 is the number. You can reach me at Harlan Williams at HarlanWilliams.com. and don't you dare forget to check out Harlow Williams.com. Check out our store. And don't forget to write to Save a Shark at gmail.com to help us stop the finning industry and the selling of shark fin soup.

And that's it, man. We've had a hell of a day. um despite that kind of heavy-handed uh ending there always look on the bright side of life and until next time chicken chow maine baby life's a piece of shit when you look at it life's a laugh and death's a junk it's true you'll see it's all a show keep them laughing as you go just remember that the last laugh is on you and always look on the right side of life. Always look on the right side of life.