The Harland Highway - PODCAST 237

Episode Date: March 2, 2011

Harland the law breaker, invitations to space aliens, filing for chapter 11, tazer guns, voice mails, Senior Feuntes, radio madness. Fold my paper face!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Who has seen the wind, neither you nor I. But when the trees bend down their heads, the wind goes rushing by. I don't know why I started with that. It has no meaning, no connection to anything, but welcome to my life. But no, forget about my life. Welcome to the Harlan Highway, man. How are you today, folks? Focolty, focalty, focalty, folks.

Great to have you here. We got a ton of stuff to cover today. You ever been tasered? We're going to get into that. We're going to get into invaders from outer space. Are they welcome here on Earth? Have we overextended our invitation, our welcome? We're going to get to some voicemails today.

We're going to talk about Chapter 11 in this economy. A lot of a lot of business. businesses are starting to go tits up, as they say. And I'm going to reference back to something I said earlier about the digital age and how it's affecting that. You're going to find out what kind of a lawbreaker I am. Oh, yeah, I've broken some laws, and you're going to hear about it.

We're going to get into something very annoying that happens when you listen to your favorite songs on the radio. And then even more annoying, Mike Gardner drops by, send your friend test right here on the Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway Hi, I'm Jackie want to play. Please go away and leave me alone.

You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Man, keep it going. Love the show. You're hilarious. My blanche and my blue blanket and give me my little right. Passing your seat there. You're riding down the Harlan Highway. It's the Holland Highway.

Have you checked the children? What a treat it is to have you along for the ride here today. Just a treat. And speaking of riding, I'm a felon. I don't know if everyone listening knew about my criminal past. And I don't know if I should be bringing it up or not. But yeah, I'm a felon. Okay, I'm a lawbreaker.

And let me tell you, you know, kind of the radical stuff I do that makes me such a criminal. Sometimes I don't wear my seatbelt, okay? It's against the law to not wear your seatbelt. And yeah, come and get me, coppers. I'm on the run, okay? I am on the run from the law. Sometimes I don't wear my seatbelt. And I'm not telling you people not to do it.

That's just the way daddy rules. Okay, player? And you might just think, oh, because I'm a carefree, wild playboy bachelor, good-looking hunk with a lot of money in his back pocket and a killer smile. You may think that's why I do it, huh? Uh-uh, player. The reason I do it is more for equalization, and here's what I mean. If I'm driving along and some jackass hits me and kills me, I don't want to be the only one that dies. You know what they say if you don't wear your seatbelt.

You'll fly right through your front window. You got to wear your seatbelt. You'll fly through the front window. Well, guess what? If some jackass in a 1973 gremlin smashes my fine set of wheels and I'm going to die because of his dumbass driving skills,

I want to fly through the front window. I want to fly through the front window and hit him in the back of the head or right in the face with my whole body and take him out as a fucking. final act of equaling the score, man. So yeah, I'm a criminal. But I got my reasons.

This is Harland Williams. So there. I'll see you in the clinker. Yeah, I just think it's fun because what do they always say, right, that the girls love a bad boy? So imagine if that's all you had to do, if that was the prerequisite of being a bad boy, any type of law breaking. just put you into that bad guy category, you know? Not wearing your seatbelt was just as bad as being a mafia kingpin or being a, you know, a member of the Hells Angels or something. As long as you had that rap sheet,

as long as you can legitimately say you broke a law. Yeah, you know what, baby? Why, you get over here and buy me a beer? Because I talk on my cell phone while I'm driving. And you know what that is? What? That's against the love, beaosh. Oh, let me buy you three beers.

Yeah, that's right. Step up, player. I don't know, man. Maybe in my dreams, right? Let me get to a topic that it was an I told you so kind of moment. And I can't take credit for being a genius or anything because I think we probably all saw this coming. but it's interesting, I kind of brought this up about a month ago

where I was talking about how bookstores were going to go the way of record stores and DVD stores and, you know, everything's going digital and guess what, a huge book chain, Borders Book Chain, recently filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. I don't think they're completely shutting down the whole chain, but a huge amount of their stores. I think over about one-third or 200 of their stores,

which, you know, is just a sign of the times. I mean, it probably means that the rest of them are probably going to crumble in behind. I mean, that's what happened with the Virgin Records stores and a lot of tower records and places like that. And a lot of it's being chalked up to the whole digital download thing. A lot of it's being attributed to, you know, People can get books cheaper at Walmart, but also the whole digital era, which is what I was talking about recently. And here we go, man.

We're turning into a world where you are going to need, you are going to need to have a computer or a tablet or a cell phone. we're slowly maybe not slowly quickly becoming a society where if you don't have that stuff you're going to get left behind if you don't have your electronic gizmos you're not going to be able to get a book or listen to music um that's the way things are going which kind of scares me a bit i'm not i'm not one of these people that's Like, oh, I've got to hold a book. I just, I love the feel of a book in my hands. Like, get over it. Who loves the feel of a book in their hand?

They're big, they're clunky, they're awkward, it's hard to turn the pages. I mean, these people that romanticize books, oh, I just, I love the feel of the texture of the book in my fingers while I'm sitting by the fireplace with a cup of hot cider and a mushroom omelet on my abdomen. Yeah, right. Just isn't it nicer to just sit there with an electronic iPad or a Kindle? And the letters are as big as you want them, and they're illuminated as much as you want them, and you just slide them down. There's no messy pages.

There's no turning. And best of all, there's no killing trees. There's no pulp and paper mills. There's no chemical byproducts into the environment. There's no stripping forests and cutting down a hundred-year-old timbers. Screw the romantic notion of a book. Okay? I wish newspapers would go the same way.

I think Fox has created the first daily newspaper called The Daily that's available for iPad users. And I couldn't be more excited. It's like, yeah, yeah, get everything in the little. digital box. Stop cutting down the trees and the forests. Have you seen the amount of newspaper and junk mail that comes to your mailbox every day? I mean, stack that up every day.

It probably, you know, circumnavigates the planet a couple of times over all the paper and trees and pollution that's created by the pulp paper industry. Can you imagine if we eliminated books and newspapers? All the extra squirrels we'd have? Think of all the bonus raccoons and moose we'd have because there's no books. There's no newspapers. Thanks to USA Today becoming digital,

we now have an overabundance of elk. Hunting season is open. So anyways, it's interesting to see. Here we go again. And what is this Chapter 11 thing? I know it's some kind of legal. It comes from a law book or something. Chapter 11 is the chapter where you get to file bankruptcy.

It just seems so weird. Chapter 11. You don't hear Chapter anything else. Like, where's the marriage chapter? Hey, man, where are you going? Oh, Chapter 29, getting married, you know. Oh, that chapter. Watch out.

skip over to that chapter 32. What's that one? That's the sexual intercourse chapter. Maybe you're right. What's with the chapter stuff, man? Isn't there actually a chain of books, stores called chapter? I wonder if they file for bankruptcy. They'll have to change their signs to chapters 11.

It'll actually be the new name of the bookstore for the five months it has left in existence. Chapters is now chapters 11. Oh, I'm funny today, aren't I? So anyways, get out there and get your books. Well, you still can, man. It is a shocking, shocking thing as more and more of our customary traditional items, household items, things that we're used to are all dropping,

by the wayside and fitting into a little square box. I tell you, it is shocking. Hey, man, you ever been tasered? It'd be cool if we had, like, tasers in our bodies. You know, kind of the way hornets and bees have stingers. Things get out of control. They sting you. That'd be great if we had them built in.

I don't know, maybe they were in our tongues or something. That'd be great for girls, right? You're making out with a dude and you're having a nice kiss out on lover's lookout and his hands start wandering. You know, they get down by your chest area and you just shove your tongue in his mouth and taser him. Yeah! Hey, baby, you want to go to second base? Let me just reach down in. Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Shut it off! Shut it off! Oh, yes. Or maybe when you shook hands with people, right? Kind of be like an overblown joy buzzer. People you don't like, huh? Hey, Dan, I'd like you to meet Harland. Hey, man, how you doing?

Yeah! What was that for, man? I hate your radio show, dude. Yeah? Well, whatever. That wasn't real good on the comeback there because I was in shock from being tasered. Yeah!

It's the Harland Highway. Send it shockwaves right through you. Yeah, tasers, just more electronics, more battery-powered electronics. I guess, you know, I was talking earlier about everything starting to be digital and living inside your computer. The question is, though,

and I guess I should, you know, you got to look at the other side of the coin. What happens when everything does become electronic? There are no more books, there are no papers, there are no magazines, that type of thing. Everything's just reliant on a wireless network or the grid or, you know, some kind of charge. And we've all seen it, man. You know, this stuff can get overloaded. There can be blackouts. There could be glitches.

God forbid, there's a war or something, and they knock us out. I mean, I guess that's the downside of all this stuff is everything would just be, you know, lost. You know, if you couldn't charge, if you couldn't plug in, we just kind of take it for granted that electricity and power just there. It's like the sky, the wind, the rain, the sun. Uh-uh, man. that's all part of our little fantasy world that we've built here on planet earth um so just food for thought you know i just thought i'd flip over the other side of the

coin and let you look under that side um and here's something interesting i got in a conversation with a buddy the other day speaking of technology and um you know more and more around the world people see UFOs and there's UFO sightings and all that. And over the decades, you know, humans have sent satellites out into space and sent radio signals out into space. And what we did is we, I think there was a satellite called the Voyager. And basically on the Voyager, they included like recordings of humans so you can hear their voice. They put maps.

They kind of detailed, you know, where the hotspots are geographically on our planet, you know, like the capital, Washington, and they did some diagrams of humans, you know, the female and the male anatomy and, you know, just all these things. And then, you know, they're constantly sending out radio messages, come to Earth, we want to make contact, but a little, you know, that type of crap. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order, doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50%

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Don't throw your back out. And I guess they're starting to change the policy on that now. I guess there's been a reversal. a reversal of how we send out messages to supposed other life forms in the galaxies. Whereas before it was like very welcoming and informative and please make contact with us. You know, almost like we were like a travel destination, right? Like we're the Hawaii of the galaxy. Come, visit us.

We will make you a nice pig on a spit. come and have a luau. We have bongo dancers, humans. And then I guess someone realized that, wait a minute, nature is a hostile place. You know, normally in nature, you're the prey or you're the predator. And, you know, if you're the bunny sitting out on the grass eating a carrot, you're probably going to be the lunch of a hawk or an eagle or an owl any second. And I guess the Powers of the Bee kind of thought, oh, wait a minute,

we're sending out all this friendly stuff. Odds are that when two living species meet, even if you look in the depths of the ocean, or you look under a microscope, microbes and cells, and there's often very aggressive behavior. You know, one life form will attack another immediately, or one life form will become violent, and eat it or consume it or try to dominate it and you see this in nature you see this with with lions and hyenas and tigers and all the predator and praying more mostly you see it in us human beings we have dominated every life form on the planet we either know what it is how it works how to kill it how to use it how to abuse it how to skin it how to eat it

it. Uh, we, we are, we are that, that aggressive life force. And so I guess someone with a few brains realized, hey, maybe, just maybe, when Lex Nord and Blingdock come from planet to be ding to blah blah, they might not want to have a barbecue and, uh, throw down some ribs. They might want to like massacre the planet and eat humans like breakfast cereal. so i don't know i guess it's it's kind of uh apropos that we do this but uh the same time you don't want to seem like uh you don't you don't want us to seem like the aggressors you know like what's the message they're sending out on voyager now you know uh do not come here screw off stay the hell off my lawn you bastards i don't know all i know is that

The Harland Highway is probably beaming out into space, and I couldn't be happier. A little Harland Highway must destroy planet Earth. We didn't mind that planet until we heard the Harland Highway must destroy. We'll destroy 2012. Hello. This thing on. Hello. Hey, hey, hey, Harlan Williams here on the Harlan Highway.

And let's listen to some messages that I got on my answering machine from all the friendly folks that have been calling in. Hello. What's up, Harlan? I just want to say thanks for coming to Colorado and livening it up with all these squares that say you're not funny and they don't get you. You're hilarious. So thanks, bro. Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. What are they saying?

You're not funny. Ow, that hurts, man. What else are they saying? They don't get you. Oh, man, that really hurts. I'm trying my best, man. I mean, who are these people? Squares.

Oh, see, well, that's why, man. I don't do my comedy for square people, man. That's like Wendy's hamburgers are square, you know? I do my comedy for round people. Yeah, round-shaped people with no hard edges. You're hilarious. Yeah, you like the way I did that whole round and square thing? Hilarious.

And then I said Wendy's hamburgers? Hilarious. Yeah, I guess I'm pretty good, right? You're hilarious. I mean, I'm one of these guys that can pretty much say anything, and it's... Hilarious. Exactly. Like, listen to this, okay?

I'll just say, like, a random thing, like, bacon sandwich. Hilarious. Um, tone ill. Clipper. Hilarious. Lightbulb. Hilarious. Family of Swedish tourists getting mauled to death by flesh-eating lions.

You're hilarious. See, you get me, dude. Thanks, dude. Thanks, bro. What a great call. So, all you square people out there listening, man, you better get around really fast. Or you're just going to miss out on all my amazing humor here on the Harland Highway. Hilarious.

And here's something that I think we all hate to miss out on, and it's maddening, and it happens to all of us, okay? You're rolling down the Harland Highway, or you're rolling down a side street, or you're rolling through the country, you're on some kind of road somewhere. In your vehicle, I don't know why they have to spell it so hard. It should be V-E-E-C-L-E-V-E-E-C-L-L-E vehicle. Instead, it's vehicle. You're in your vehicle, and you're listening to your favorite tune, right? You're jamming away, and you're just getting to the favorite part of your favorite song. It's like, oh, my God, I love this tune.

I've been waiting to hear this on the radio forever, and here comes my favorite part. And you get the stuff. Right? You get the static. Your song fades out just when you don't want it to. You're singing in the car. You're playing the air drums or you're playing the air guitar. You're pounding the dashboard. You're totally into it.

And your favorite moment where everything crescendos. What a soul crusher that is, man. Right? You drive underneath some power lines or something. You go in an underground garage, you pass under a bridge. Who knows what causes it? You go through a train tunnel. You're driving underwater.

I don't know. But, right, it's just, let's take a famous song. Let's take In the Air Tonight by Phil Collins, right? It's that great kind of groovy kind of mellow tune. You can kind of sing along, too. I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh, Lord. The reason why you keep this silence up, up, up, right? And you're singing along.

And here comes that drumbeat, that drum solo. You're playing air drums, here it comes. No, no, I've been waiting for that, the whole road trip. Why? Why? No. Well, I've been waiting for that drum solo, my whole road trip. Jesus Christ!

I was waiting for that stupid drum solo, my whole road trip. Anyhow, you get the point, man. Oh, damn it. Damn it, isn't that annoying? Oh, so I don't know if the solution is get the satellite thing or whatever. But if you're just going to stick to terrestrial radio, man, you're going to get boned every time with your favorite spot on the old static radio.

Hey-o! Hold on. There's someone at my door here. Hello. Oh, man. What's up? It's Senor Fuentes. Oh, man.

What are you doing here, man? I've been looking to be your gardener, man. It's like I've been trying for, like, months now to be a friend. You're a gardener, man. Yeah, I know you've been trying to be my gardener, and I'm not interested. Because you've been, you put a leaf blower in my face, you put garbage bags over my head, you crackled leaves in my eyes, you put twigs in my hair. Oh, come on, man, I'm just trying to do a good job, man.

I mean, I'm seeing you a Fuentes. Yeah, I know who you are, Fuentes, and it ain't happening. But I got somebody new, man. I got a new gardening implement, man. Oh, you got a new garden. What do you got? I got a shiny new shovel, man. Look at this shovel.

Okay, whoopie-do, you got a shovel. Let me show you how it works, man. I start digging a hole in the ground. Look at this, man. What are you doing? I'm digging a hole, man. Stop that. You're digging right into the floor.

Oh, look at this. Oh, man. Oh, this shovel works good, man. What are you doing? Get out of my floor. Oh, man. Look at it. Oh, look at this.

Oh, look at this. I'm going deeper and deeper, man. Look at this. Hey, can you hit me out there, man? What are you doing down there? Hey, man. Hey, can you achieve me? I can't see you anymore, man.

What are you doing, Fentes? That's in your Fentz. Oh, my God. I can't believe this idiot's digging a tunnel in the middle of my studio here. I'm going to go get security. Actually, wait a minute. No, no, I'm just going to let this idiot keep digging. I've been trying to get rid of this guy for a long time.

He's a nut. Senor Fuentes. And I'm just, it sounds like he dug his way all the way. I don't know where he is right now. I don't know where he is. Roger, do you know where he is? No. He's probably like all the way down in the capital.

He's probably in the boiler room. Just let him go. Let him go. Let him keep digging. Adios. To Senor Fuentes. Good riddance. Guys brought me nothing but problems and grief.

He always busts in here, unannounced. Screw him. Dig your way to China. Be a Mexican gardener in China, buddy. Have at it. Good luck. Well, he's gone, and I guess it looks like I'm gone. We are at the end of another incredible, juicy podcast, my friends.

It has been fun. It's been bloody fun it has. Check out my stand-up comedy schedule for the month of March. It looks like I'm going to be in Illinois. I don't have the club on the tip of my tongue right now. I'll have it coming up for you. But if you live over in Kentucky or in the Illinois area, it looks like March 17th, 18th, and 19th,

I'll be busting a move. If you want the name of the club, just go to harlomewilms.com. Check out my stand-up schedule. And then, ah, great club in Salt Lake City. I'm playing the 24th and the 25th in Salt Lake City. Check that out on my stand-up schedule. And don't forget my book.

The things you don't know you don't know is now available on the iPad. You can download it in the bookstore. It's like $10 cheaper than it if you order it at my web store here. So check it out. have a digital copy of the things you don't know, you don't know. Be sure to shoot us a letter at Save a Shark at gmail.com. We're trying to put a dent in the shark finning industry.

Do something positive today to help. Send us your email address at Save a Shark at gmail.com, and we will send you a cover letter that you can mail out to an offending restaurant that murders sharks so that they can make shark fin soup. Ridiculous. We're eradicating a species for no reason. Not happy about it. Let's all do something about it.

So there you go, man. Don't forget you can pick us up at stitcher.com if you want to listen to the Harland Highway on your cell phone device. And I just want to say, once again, thank you for motoring along. Be sure to tell all your. your friends about the highway experience, the more we get on here, the quicker we get into a traffic jam. We all get to sit still and contemplate life. So there you go. Don't let the static get in your

way. And until next time, chicken, chow main, baby.